Absence Fallacy

Hi Colin

I found this to be well written, and consistent too. I read the first two chapters and then skipped ahead to 11 (as those chapters tend not to be read). This is one that I would read all of, it was nicely written and follows a similar vein to my own.

The only thing I would say, is that at time, Terry came across as being much older than he was. Whether this was your style of writing or the dialogue, I'm not sure. There were just times when I thought, really? They're only in their early twenties?

Otherwise, Terry is a nice MC. Very likeable, typical nice bloke. John, I loved. His personality complimented Terry's very well, and the introduction to him was well written - I'm thinking of the farting on the sofa :-/

A couple of errors in terms of the technical aspects. Some typos - thinking letch and vein, which should have been lech and vain. Also some misplaced commas. But apart from this, it was a nice read which I think would appeal to both male and female readers.

Well done with this!

Silva

HI Colin, Absence Fallacy looks awesome,, love the chapter titles... Reading on now. :)
You have a unique style, very different. And I love the blurb - sex sells!! Good concept. In the first part, I'd like to get a better handle on his age... I love his honesty with himself, and I like what he wants... it's something we can all relate to!! Thank you for sharing. :)
Monicque.
The Multiple Choice. If you get a chance, would you rate my work? I have rated yours highly. :)

Very enjoyable this, draws you in with its descriptive narrative and Terry's inner dialogue. It could do with some editing though as it does drag a little in places. Aside from that, top draw!
Best of British and all that.
Love the cover too, most alluring.

I just read this again. Hmmm I don't know if I've grown a bit older and wiser since last time I read your book or if you've edited it substantially since I last saw it.

Either way, i enjoy your writing rather a lot now. I found the easy, conversational writiing style warming and readable. It drew me into your story this time.

To rectify some of my former crit, I'm giving this 6 stars. I think you really do deserve the high rating for what is obviously a labour of love for you. ;)

Good luck. I really do hope you manage to get this published. :)

Best wishes,

Pete

Hello Colin. Sorry for the delay. Here goes...

Paragraph 1 - punctuation: insert comma after "constraints."

Paragraph 2 - punctuation again: Use comma between "relaxed" and "post-meal"; also between "drink" and "a girl."

This is just a general comment and I won't dwell on it because I know language in he UK is used differently than in the USA. I see you using a lot of narrative in your first chapter. That's okay, but if you do that I suggest using a lot more active voice to make sure you don't lose readers, especially in the first few paragraphs. I have a thing about the word "had" in particular. In many cases it adds nothing to a sentence except to create a stutter in the reading. It can usually be left out all together. - Just my thought.

Don't know what number draft this is, definitely needs editing for over/under use of punctuation. Commas are starts and stops in a paragraph. If they're put in the wrong places they make the read very choppy and that takes the reader out of the story because he's concentration on word flow.

Typo: You say, "I swallowed painfully though what now felt like..." Should be, "I swallowed painfully through..."

"Perhaps I should become a monk." Great line appropriately placed.

When you write thoughts, they should be in italics to differentiate them from standard narrative and to alert the reader to shift gears.

The long narrative after leaving the bar, coupled with a lot of unnecessary description of superfluous things slows the action considerably more than necessary. I understand you're trying to convey boredom, but don't bore the reader.

Well, this first chapter certainly brings back memories of an earlier time. This is a well constructed and well depicted snapshot of a situation most men go through at some time in their lives - before they find themselves. Especially the fear of approaching a pretty girl. I had no idea how common that was. Sad, but true. The dialogue and events are well thought out. Needs a little tightening up in the narrative and some technical matters but all in all, a good start.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Hi Colin,
Started reading through your piece. I like the premise of the story, but the writing feels a bit stilted and choppy. I think if you were to edit it so if flows better you would have a wonderful novel.
Best of luck!
Emily

Colin,
Thank you for the invitation look at your book. Your story reads like a memoir, a fond remembrance of good times. My era too and my wife had a Mini, though Heralds were getting hard to find even in the early 80's. Terry's story is emerging slowly in CH1. I think you could have homed in on his character in the attempted chat-up and the comedy potential there could have established him as a loveable tragi-comic character. As it is I am not convinced he isn't simply wallpaper, though I'll admit it is early days. Turn him into a a real drip perhaps? His flatmate certainly has the potential to be a bit of a lair and I enjoy a good fart joke, but in this chapter it happens exactly as you would expect it to, it is a literal retelling of a bloke farting. I think if you have to explain an acronym (SBD) the acronym is not well enough known to be used. It stops the flow of your narrative. Some writers put a note at the bottom of the page for anything they think may need an explanation. It allows them to keep the story moving along. Shades of Men Behaving Badly here.
Norton

I've read to Chapter 4. It's good, and it held my attention, but I think that the style is a little too neutral for me. By this, I mean that the first person perspective could be an opportunity to use a unique voice, constantly reminding the reader of Terry's character (Like Holden Caulfield in 'Catcher in the Rye', or Susie Salmon in 'The Lovely Bones'). Nevertheless, I was interested by your pitch, and the story so far is absorbing. I'll read more when I can.

Kingsley Amis lives... One can't help but sympathise with the plight of poor Terry. The only way the story could be improved that I can think of would be to describe the effect of emotions more rather than name the emotions he's experiencing. Other than that, a top read. And intend to back as soon as I can free up some shelf space.

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Hi,

I see you have many comments. I suspect mine won't make a lot of difference, but I shall try to be as sincere and candid as I can,

I found the style a little stilted. I felt it was almost like reading a report, or a newspaper article. You go through the motions, and relay events, but in a fashion which is a little too clinical for me.

I dare say some robust editing might do the trick. Also, I've never been overly fond of a narrative written in the first person. I find it too constricting, and from a writer's perpective, suddenly options are reduced.

I wish you every success,

Kenny Hill

Poor Terry―you’ve got to feel for him. Plucking up courage to hit on a stranger has to be the hardest thing imaginable. And he wants a girlfriend so badly or at least for now . . . a good rogering. I loved the rendering of “By the light of the silvery moon” – it had me on the floor. I guess it was the spelling of nah nah nah nah because you see, you can really hear it. And thanks to you, I now have this on my mind. I don’t know what to think of John, the farter, except that if he came round to my house and dropped one that bad, I think I’d toss him as far as I could throw him. Chapter 3 hots up with some totty and we are immediately fascinated with Diane Trafford. Is she the right sort? But with John around, how much attention will Terry get? Bingo – he scored! Highest ratings for a highly entertaining read. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Normally I don't read this type of thing, but lately somehow contemporary fiction seems to find me. I found it that it flowed well as I read. Writing style is easy to read and that's always nice to have. I understand what is going on in the story. I see the characters and their mundane problems, which in some cases if not often, is very relatable. that is what makes it good I think. It is what draws the reader in and presents it in a whole new light. I like that it's from the male view. I can get a sense of what goes on in the male's mind and that helps when I develop my male center characters. That sense if insecurity is normal and that is okay to show.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

I read four chapters before I realised it and found myself chuckling and smiling every step of the way. An intimate look at the eighties, although I was only seven when they began I finished them in style!
Your writing style is very easy to read and your descriptions paint a vivid picture of what life was like then, although I probably remember it more from Sam's point of view than Terry's.
An interesting slant, being from the male perspective, something there is too little of in the Chick Lit genre!
Nicely done.
Zil xxx

This is not my normal read but I it was well written and I found it flowed well.

I found it strange to read this type of book from a male perspective I thought they were all female. I may be getting the wrong feelings on this but on the first few chapters I've read they seem in the chick lit genre, I may need to read more to expand on the story.

I like the way you set out the situations and you produced vivid descriptions.

Good luck,

Red

I;ve certainly enjoyed what I've read, and I look forward to reading on. The story has themes and situations that we can all relate to and has a nice easy going pull to it; something compelling, and that's good. The descriptions are vivid, the pace good and the plot compelling. Highly rated.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

This is a well written book. Your characters are believable as is your story. It is easy to read at a steady pace.
Best of luck.

Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

Dear Colin,

This is the second time I have read your interesting novel. I like how you space things and events out. Very proportional. I also enjoy the sense of freedom with which your characters have. They seem to have created themselves. I think that there are many antithetical works here of a more philosophical nature, but as a poet I am against all philosophy, and I think that all philosophers are damned. Thanks for the story again.

Have a nice evening,

Billy McBride

Hi Colin,

Good read so far, but I would take a look at the third paragraph of your main pitch; not sure 'previously planned' is relevant. Just a little tightening up as the pitch is your key selling point.

The opening chapters show promise, although I would look to reduce the lengthy sentences and perhaps give your MC a little more oomph.

I love the period and whilst I as only a teenager growing up in the 80's I can very much relate to the background you have created. A good potential read and definitely worthy of a longer spin on my shelf.

Chris

Hi Colin,

Good read so far, but I would take a look at the third paragraph of your main pitch; not sure 'previously planned' is relevant. Just a little tightening up as the pitch is your key selling point.

The opening chapters show promise, although I would look to reduce the lengthy sentences and perhaps give your MC a little more oomph.

I love the period and whilst I as only a teenager growing up in the 80's I can very much relate to the background you have created. A good potential read and definitely worthy of a longer spin on my shelf.

Chris

Hi Colin -
I spent so much time reading this morning I'm running out of time to comment! So, just some quick things:
- I agree with the writer below: careful not to make your character sound too boring...because the reader will be convinced
- I can feel for the character though, and like the voice. I just want to see some hints of a brighter future right at the start to convince me to stick with it: perhaps a glint of something exciting or even some self-depracating humour? I usually go with the latter :)
- You're missing a few commas in places and it makes the sentences read a little oddly. i.e. the one I can see now: In the view of the warmth....should have a comma after evening. In my humble opinion.
- You obviously have a good story that you've put a look of work into, but Chapter 1 just lacks that excitement that may make the reader want to keep going. Your pitch is quite saucy and coy - so where's the sauce? I think by moving around some paragraphs even from the third chapter into the first will add some oomph.

Again, this is just in my humble opinion. Thanks for letting me read.

Hi Colin,
Thanks for your offer to swap reads with real feedback attached. You were my first offer since joining yesterday, excuse the phrase, so, here I am. Actually thats' not exactly true.....my very first offer yesterday was from some spammer called 'zimmer' or something or other who wont leave me alone. All he's getting from me is the big ignore.

Right, I got this far in your story.......

I am not a professional critic, simply a reader.

I like your style of writing. You never seem to over use large words. The words you use are in keeping with the main character, who appears to me to be a simple fellow but with a restrained intelligence. And I understand that probably makes no sense at all but I know what I mean. Maybe it's called prose? Forgive me, I'm new to this writing lark.

You have humour and it comes across.....SBD had me laughing. Other little gems too.

You describe things well. I live in Northampton. I was also in my twenties in the 80's. You had me there in the flat looking down at the river, and at what the dog was barking at. I would have been listening to Michael Jackons' Thriller and not the Eagles, but I was there, right there in your first two chapters. It's the best compliment I can think up to give you.

Maybe, just maybe I found things going a little too slow for me so far. I know you're building the main character and everything, just be nice if he was chased by a dog and bitten in his left leg or something in the first couple of chapters, just to give me that little 'oomph' I need as a reader.

Anyway, this has been my first ever 'review' of a story, so don't listen to me what ever you do Colin !!!

I'll return tomorrow eve to read another couple of chapters, just like I would a normal book.

Take care,

Daniel.

The first few paragraphs of an initial chapter have one vital function: to hook the reader.

Now, the danger with describing a character's somewhat dull existence in such detail is that the dullness is conveyed to the reader. It seems you have used a great many words to tell us your MC is a bit of a loser, with the result of burying the one scene that shows us this fact in a humorous and sympathy-engaging way. I refer of course to the fantasising over the girl in the bar, who is then claimed by the hunky boyfriend who nuzzles into her hair.

I'm not one for following writing 'rules', but a sound piece of advice is: start the story where the story starts. The obvious place is the scene mentioned above, hedged round with a bit of blokeish banter between the confident John and unconfident Terry, followed shortly after by Diane's appearance on the scene. All the rest of Ch.2 can either be cut, or -- relevant portions, only -- dropped in along the way of the storyline. You don't need stuff like the cheese and biscuits / telly / dream paras at the end of Ch.3 -- it's simply padding. And padding bores.

Have confidence in your ability to tell a tale, and let your storyline shine through, cleanly.

Hi Colin,

I'm here to offer my thoughts on your book. I tend to try and offer constructive crit, so please don't be offended by any suggestions. They will be meant well. + you can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong. :)

1 I think you sometimes need more commas. eg between "state" and "I noted" and between "drink" and "a girl". I think some of your sentences are a bit long, and could do with the breathing space. :)

2 I also think some of your paragraphs are a bit too long and form intimidating blocks of text. Is there any way you could break some of them up?

3 I found it a bit odd that said her clothing was farily nondescript and then went on to describe it.

OK I genrally offer detailed comments and pull out examples, but as I read on I get the feeling the things I'd normally pick out might have been written by you in a certain way to evoke a feeling you want. So I'll stop with the little examples. and move onto more general stuff.

I have 1 big problem. The 1st chapter felt quite slow and didn't really interest me because nothing really happened. I'm sorry, but I can't think of a nicer way to say that. I wouldn't read on for that reason. I'd want to know something about the story/conflict early in the book.

I do hope I'm in the minority, though, and that you find an agent who loves this story. :)

Best of luck with it,

Pete

‘Absence Fallacy’ is a first-rate story imbued with startling wit. Terry, John, Miss Broadhurst, Diane … all these characters seem so real. Amazing!!! ‘SBD’? There was a ‘flat-quake’ when I found out what it stands for. But perhaps it’s a little too soon to use it in the first chapter – some feminine readers may not get it.
This book is definitely a page-turner. My congratulations and good luck with it!!! Six stars!!!
… I crave for more.

Ivan.

P.S.1. Nice cover! Catching the eye. One of the best I’ve seen on this site.
P.S.2. I sort of have a Miss Broadhurst myself, an intolerably irksome old maid. If I dare make a slightest noise she’s torturing me, not a drop of mercy for my soul.

Colin:

I really like the whimsical-ness of this story. Having been to England only once, I can really feel the formality and underlying humor of the Brits. Here are some of my suggestions from a newbie. I would move the 4th paragraph in chapter 2 (which is your first chapter) to the opening scene. It will thrust the reader right into his emotions. (nervous, sweaty and anxious) Then follow it by showing us where he is and why he's nervous and the other details of his life. In Chapter 3 (which is chapter 2) you summarized the conversation with Diane. Instead I would use actual dialogue so we can feel Diane and Terri's emotions. (Is she annoyed, interested, anxious, regretful, excited) Include common gestures and nervous habits that most people do while talking. In addition I feel that the writing is good but you have too many boring details. I wanted to hurry and find out why he's so horrible with woman and I got lost in his meandering in the apartment etc. Also some of your paragraphs are too long. I like your writing style and the British influence with your non-traditional words (flat, landlady etc). Best Wishes to you.
TWhit

I see some references to pace or lack of. I'm not sure it matters quite as much with this genre but perhaps you might think of perhaps breaking solid chunks of narrative down into smaller sections, easier on the reader's eye and a little less daunting. 'As I re-entered the flat' is one example.
What is very positive is the story line, your well crafted characters and your eye for detail. Cosmetic work is pretty straightforward to achieve, having a solid story, isn't and that's where you score.
Nice, clean writing and an enjoyable read makes this worth sprinkling stardust and shelving. Margaret.

Colin,

I found your writing to be smooth and enjoyable. I noticed no obvious errors that would throw me out of the story.

I found myself anxious for Terry as he approached the girl at the bar only to be thwarted by the arrival of the boyfriend. He is a very sympathetic character and quite likable.

Your first chapter is entitled “Bored” and one must be careful not to bore the reader. From the incident at the bar to the arrival of the John, nothing much happens that cannot be explained is smaller bits through out the story.

The first chapter must contain a hook that will encourage the reader to continue. Your story certainly has that, but it gets a little lost in some extra details. If it does not advance the story it is not needed. If it slows the story down, it is not needed. Walt Disney use to say that he would draw a straight line through his plot. Anything that curved away from that he deleted for the sake of pace.

I feel that you have a good story. That is, above all else, the most important thing. Others may debate prose etc, but it is the story that is king. You have a good story, likable characters and an interesting setting. Those are all good things.

All the best,

Sharon Van Orman

Hi,

I have read the first chapter and feel that you have an economical and easy to read style of writing. I got a nice picture of your characters. I just wish that the pace was a little faster. If the character becomes too down throughout the first chapter, the reader may may stop caring. I had this problem with my first chapter, so have re-written it a few times to pick up the pace. Sorry to be critical, these are just a few personal oppinions, I am no expert.

Bec. (Find Mark).

Hello,
Okay I read the first three chapters as you asked. I like your main character. I enjoy the way you write. But a few things held me back from being able to rave about your book. Your pace is much to slow because it gets bogged down with the mc telling the reader how bored he is. I like the scene in the bar where he wants to approach the girl, but can't. I hardly got through the rest.

Is the explanation about driving to/parking at the Oak pub needed? Will the story progress without it?

A writer friend told me once to never write a scene where a character does not have conflict of some sort from out side influence. Conflict with ones self doesn't work.

In chapter three, there's a paragraph where the mc's friend is talking, then you say, I laughed, then you pickup with the friends dialogue again. If a character is talking, and you insert a tag or action (this is called a beat) between his dialogue, the beat must always be that of the person who is speaking. Don't interrupt separated dialogue with another characters tag or action.

Any where the story reads like it's spinning it's wheels, or repeating information, delete. Quick short sentences will speed up pace.

I hope these few suggestions will help. All in all, you are certainly on your way. Best wishes.
Janell (tomewriter)

Woops! I was happily 'hearing' a rich Yorkshire accent until 20 miles from Gloucester was mentioned - then I realised that this flow and interflow of words was well enough written for me to 'hear' it in any dialect I wanted. That means it is successful! This is really enjoyable stuff and beneath the light surface banter there is a universal fear of making an idiot of oneself. - And doesn't it always happen. If you don't have a date it is always the local nuisance who turns up to keep you company.

You have a lovely way with words and after a couple of chapters I am hooked - for all that I am the wrong age and gender! I wish you well with the book which I have starred and will shelve soon..

Margaret Woodward

I like your ability to show Terry's insecurity and fear of meeting women. I've only gotten through the first 3 chapters so far. I will pick this up again and give you more feedback. I like the humor you convey with his friendships. Please let me know what you think of (mine), "Just Out of Sight".
Thank you for sharing your writing,
Bandof1 (Craig)

Thanks for the reading swap. I started reading your Youth Verite and I thought I will comment on it before I forget.

First I should tell you I am a very biased reader, a reason why you might wana consult a third opinion. Having been myself a late bloomer and an un-apologetical nerd in school, this types of stories always enchant me.

What clearly works here is the voice: we are going to be using Terry's mind as a driving vehicle throughout the novel, so it has to work

and it does, wonderfully.

Next, at the center of this story is Terry's emotional map, so your ability to show rather than tell his "neurasthenia" is key

Some examples:

The internal dialogue
The way he goes obsessively detailing the look of the love interest
The he...hi...hos.....he utters.
The nervous politeness
The over thinking
The self corrections

All of this works....and it works well

What I haven't seen yet Colin (and this is the brain researcher talking now) the the repetitive thinking:

for ex:

"I was looking at her...thinking stop looking at her...kept looking at her, thinking...why are you looking at her? could help but Alas, keep looking at her! ohh please somebody stop me from...what else...looking at her!"

you might wana add repetitive thinking to your tool kit.

Then there is the language: delightful

some of my favorites:

"glands moving into full swing..."

"because my brain told me...."

"yeap but gasping for a pint"

"dark blue. no light blue"

the only minor/minorest/minormost point I would make: why not more of this delicacies

By chapter 5 there is a noticeable decline in the verbal pirotecnics

This is treat, Colin, I am giving 6 stars, and forgive me if I dont't place you on my back list right away, but I believe in keeping authors there for the long haul

I hope this helps

david

Ok, I was wrong, this is definitely something I'd read after having read the first chapter. :)
The narrative voice is great, it's so normal and sympathetic, I kind of heard Stephen Fry whispering in my ear reading it, even Ms Broadhurst sounded like him impersonating an old lady. I don't know where that came from, but I think Stephen Fry is never a bad omen when it comes to writing.

I just flicked through the comment beneath me, to some extend it's true what he sais, but sometimes normal, everyday live is what someone needs to skip out of their own lives for a bit and relax. I think your story can achieve this, and that's why I'd buy it.

Good luck and take care
Bianca

Dear Colin, I read your first chapter with interest. If you had not mentioned that it was a fiction, i would have taken it as non-fiction. What I mean is as a fiction, you have a choice to make your book as exciting, as moving, as interesting as you can, but no, unfortunately, you have imagined an ordinary character, doing some ordinay, everyday, very common, and very usual things, such as wanting to talk to a girl but he can't, he watches TV, ITV, BBC1, BBC2, switches from one channel to another, he gets bored there, we get bored here. And then John comes, what new does he bring to the story, the laday living in the neighbourhood, what does she give us? Nothing. Believe me, even in our real lives, there are so many exciting and new, new things that can attract our attentions. If you sit on the balcony of your house for an hour and look around, you would laugh at someone doing a silly thing, you would be scared of some children playing football on the street, you would get sad to see an old lady having trouble to cross the road, you will see a few young people causing trouble, etc. Ok, this is my first impression, and I said it. I am not an expert, I am not even good in Engish. I say what I think and I hope it helps. Thank you so much Colin. Shah

Hello Colin,
I was immediately bonded to Terry and that's because of your casual and candid narrative voice. I loved the opening - his hesitation, his musings (which we all do and seldom admit), I feel that despite the fact that he blew it at the restaurant and clearly has confidence issues with women, there's something big in store for this man, and that makes me want to keep finding out more. Your characters are so authentic they burst alive in my head. Nice quirky cast, with much contrast. John is a riot (literally). The first chapter is crisp and moves well, and I can't wait to continue. High stars and I'm happy to have this on my shelf.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

A very intriguing book and one that I am delighted to back and have on my shelf. Good luck. Starred this with many *****
Rene

ABSENCE FALLACY
This is a remarkable book, and I am delighted to be able to back this once again. I won't wrtite any more as I commented on this about 4 weeks ago. Good luck and awarded more stars!
Fiath
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Colin, I've read Chap. 2 and quite enjoyed it. I know you aren't looking for typos, but I just have to ask for a comma in the first sentence after "constraints." At first I read that word and connected it to "taking" and then realized I was wrong. (Promise, no more nit-picks....)

Maybe I missed the information, but I was unsure about whether John is a friend or brother. I skimmed through the chap. a second time to no avail. Please let me know if I missed it.

The best for last is what I loved:
--The sentence: "My heart ... thump along like someone running on hard sand." (chuckle)
--"Perhaps I should become a monk." (captures the character's angst)
--"evenly displaced teeth" (what a paradoxical hoot)
--comparing John's position in the chair to "the back end of grasshopper" (how imaginative)

When I can I'll read on. For now, based upon your writing ability, esp. for the creativity and humor, I've backed the book. Plus, I think the pacing is appropriate for the book, which is more about developing the narrator/character than plot.

Just read chapter 1.

I enjoyed your descriptions and thought that you threw conversation in there well. It was a nice story. I did just want to point out that the pacing was a little slow for me. Even though the title of the chapter is "Bored" it would be nice to throw in some humor or some twist in the story that wakes you up.

It is written very well, I was just looking for comic relief of some sort.

I've just read some more.. when can I buy it? I love it!!! Recomend it!!!

Oh my God! Is this book about me? I'm reading, thinking, this has happened to me ( 1st chapter). I too would worry about locking my car in fear that it would be used in a Ram Raid. And why does ones throat tighten when cornered by attraction to a young lady?
In chapter 1, I think you'll find 'you caught the girls eye', rather than the girl catching yours, or at least that's how I read it.
Great start and I will be reading the rest asap.
You'll find that we have a writing style that is very close and suggest you take five minutes to scan through TUNNEL VISION, which is also based in the 80's and may ring a few bells.
5* backed Colin, well done and good luck.

A very relaxing read and really enjoyable once it got going. But for me, this didn’t happen until about halfway through chapter 2. In fact, I wasn’t sure whether chapter 1 is really necessary and wonder whether chapter 2 might be a better starting place; the banter between Terry and John could fill us in on Terry’s lack-of-love story. Here and there I found a little too much back-story slowing things down more than necessary. Also, I think there’s an arithmetical error in the first chapter. The girl in the pub looked “in her early twenties, which would mean she was only a few years younger than me”. Then, when John turns up at the flat he’s described as “only twenty three years old, only one year older than me”. So that makes Terry 22 – but how can the girl be in her early twenties and yet a few years younger than him? Something doesn’t add up here. All in all, this is a nice, pleasant story with a neat ending.

Hi Colin,
I've read the first two chapters and like what I've read. I was a bit jarred by him calling his parents 'mother and father' I'm thinking when it's first person POV that 'mum and dad' might be the first thoughts in our head. Terry does come across as a 'lad' and not the posh sort.

Other possible nits is the use of things like 'I could not' rather than I couldn't. When we talk or think to ourselves we tend to use this kind of short cut rather than spell it all out.

Other than those fairly irrelevant nits - this is good. I like it.

Intriguing and compelling read. I enjoyed this second view better than the first time. Backed.
Laurence Winchester,
The Cross of Goa

The voice is great. I like the formality of language in the description of a pub scene. In my view, a huge opportuinty exists to use ITALICS for the thoughts of the first person narration. "Go on up to her. Start a conversation and see what happens. You've nothing to lose." This approach can apply in many places. "How could I overcome the frustrating...." The italics will add another dimension to the storyline. A bit of (I call it paragraph creep) begins at "On returning to the table with Diane's wine...(by that I mean the paragraph is too long). I understand why this work is high in the ratings. It is really good. The first scene with the girl at the bar is wonderful. I am going to back this work if I can. I remember backing it long ago because of the first scene. Good luck. Chuck

Hi Colin,
I thought Terry was a little wet behind the ears and lacking in personality for a male main character. He could easily do with growing a pair of balls. Just my opinion. I did find myself feeling a bit sorry for him, I suppose, then in the next breath I wanted to give him a good kick up the a**e. I would have preferred Terry to have had a lot more confidence and sex appeal. I was gob-smacked when I discovered he was only in his twenties. He didn't seem to come over as a young person, more as if he were middle-aged, having some kind of a mid-life crisis . The pace needs to move quicker. The narration is good, even if a little too laid back on times, dialogue was natural. Maybe if you just inject a little more conflict into the opening chapters, you might make Terry stand out as a more exciting individual .
To change things slightly wouldn't take a lot of hard work and the story could turn into something extra-special. Good luck, Colin. Your book will remain on my shelf for at least another week or two. Kat

Hi C,
Sorry to take so long. I am thrashing around in this place still.

I read Sudam's common below but think differently. You story drips romance and sexual frusration. I understant Tel perfectly. Many of us stadard issue English blokes share his desire for and fear of the unattainable beauty. We basically have no clue what we are about when it comes to romance, but this does not mean we are not romantic. Maybe things are a bit different now for metrosexual man who's had loads of mags and books dedicated to his salvation. But in the time you are talking about we were on our own. I think your story has great nostalgic value and it certainly triggered memories for me. If anything I was even less determined than El Tel.
The word gentle is a fitting description of your story. In this age of concentrated this and that, this makes it stand out. There is arguable a great want of gentleness in all things.
But there is a porblem. Your writing style is a bit too wordy and slows things up. My suspicion is that there is a really good 65-75K story within your 105k. For example 'A number of emotions flashed through me as a result of these event.' is slow and long. You just need to edit it I think. 'Come on Terry. Best foot forward.'
Now for the stuff I liked. 'High cheek bones' o yes! We are all worshipers in the church of HCs. Not that we ever get so...ahem. I winced a bit at 'under-arms began to perspire'. This will absolutely turn off 100 percent of women. BUT ... it is also witty and often true, as is the diziness, another turn off as women demand we be confident in out approach work. BUT ... if you intend to tilt the book towards humour, a liquid oxter might score a point or two. I liked the Deidre graphs, esp 'evenly displaced teeth.' That dab made me think, hmmm, yes, promising. You captured 'The frustrating listlessness of a Sunday afternoon?' really well. They were grim. Now things are different. There is clearly a lot of interest in matter retro as evidenced by Life on Mars. More worrying though is that the romantically thwarted lad was done really successfully with Men Behaving Badly. '...any sex at all would be an improvement.' cld be a line from MBB. Having said that, you won me with the Radio Times and Tel's patience ... 'I considered changing channels after an hour.' I like him. I really like 'I envied his sense of purpose.' Miss Broadhurst is captured well. There is always a Miss B around to put a dampener on things. John is likeable too. '...the back end of a grasshopper' is a witty and novel image. As for the beans and SBDs... OK let's have a good laugh. On this basis, the river armpits are fine. And most of your audience know what SBDstands for. Another really fine line is 'An expression of concentrated expectation came over his features...' The Triumph Herald is another fine retro touch. In the following Ch you had me craving the ancient art of the lock in. Now late night drinking holds no great mystery as it is no longer special. Also the notion of there being a local bobby out and about at 1 am is a joke. He wld be trying to meet his arrest quota or scraping drunks off the pavement. Gentle euphemisms like 'Just a few regulars having a chat.' are slipping from English life as everything speeds up and becomes more aggrssive. Your analysis of 'the sort of girl whom I both wanted and disliked.' is bang on. The notion of The Good Letch Guide is a classic English piss take of all the strains and stressed of looking but never getting. Great stuff. ... as is the comic notion of 'dropping imaginary items onthe the floor behind you...'
So there is a lot of good stuff to enjoy in your story, for readers of a certain age perhaps, at least initially. But I do think you need to let the story breathe, open it up a bit, knock out some of those words.
All the best
Ron

Hello Colin!

I just found your book and am looking forward to reading it. Please take a look at "Losing Hazel" when you have a chance. I'm new at this and can use all the support I can get! I'll be back in touch when I finish yours. Thanks, Lynn

Vivid descriptions, dialogue is nicely done, technical aspects for the most part are great, though I did notice a sentence fragment or two (aside from the internal dialogue, where it makes sense) where you might want to put a comma instead of a period. Not exactly an Earth-shattering issue in a well-written manuscript. Good luck.

A most enjoyable read.

I'm still confused with the significance of the detailed description of every toilet that the main character visited. I was expecting some revelation by the end of the book but no.

Liam.
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