It Goes On Forever

This chapter depicts the 'politics' played in specific positions in the society. This 'politics' played is not peculiar to the universities alone. It is in all facets of the society. I notice an error which i think could be a typographical error. It is " Eweji" She yelled as soon as she arrived. It also depicts how good jobs are got through influencial and important people in the society. It mirrors the lifestyle of men while searching for the right choice of a lady for a life partner.

The third chapter is quite interesting. I would like to correct some errors here. It is wrong to write ... he could just about to drive himself to the General Hospital. It is ... he could drive himself to the General Hospital. It is also wrong to write "No, thanks, I don't want any just now. It should be "No, thanks, I don't want any now or for now.

The first chapter of this book paints vividly African culture at its best. It also depicts the african belief in child birth through local midwifery. It shows romance which is disrupted through the appearance of a rich man. The language is simple and easy to understand. The choice of words is very easy to comprehend. Children will find it easy and interesting to read. The adult readers will not be left out in this regard.
Daddy, thumps up for this great job!!!!

Keep it up!!!!!!!

Bravo!!!!!!

Gabriel,
I love the simplistic lifestyle of your characters introduced in the beginning. As someone accustomed to modern-day conveniences, I enjoy reading stories which take me to a place I don't necessarily want to visit myself, but like learning what it would be like to live a different type of lifestyle from reading a story with a setting I'm unfamiliar with from my own experiences. When Kunle enters the picture, it appears that the main drama of this story with ensue as he tries to come between Eweji and Ronke using his money to try to pull Ronke away from Eweji. It Goes on Forever has a plot which would interest someone wanting to read a romance with a dramatic storyline and has much appeal to the young adult market the story is intended for, but like all such books there will be older readers who will also find pleasure in reading this story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Gabriel, I finally got back to your book. It is such a sweet love story. I am shelving it. Blessings to you.
Marjorie Wilhelmsen
Exact Places

I scanned your book briefly and put it on my watchlist. I want to read it when I have more time. I love to read about Africa. Take a look at "Exact Places" if you can. Blessings to you. Marjorie W. Exact Places

This feels fresh. I wanted to get into the first chapter. Perhaps it, and others , are too long, though. Make things a little snappier? The name change as soon as we start bodes well for details of transformations?

Hi Gabriel,

You are a talented storyteller, beautifully describing your characters and their lives in West Africa. Eweji is a great character; intelligent, kind, resourceful, and hardworking.

Eweji and Ronke's relationship is uplifting, then heartbreaking. The poem he wrote to her was raw and beautiful. I like how you made the poem title and the book title identical, tying the entire book together.

I loved seeing Eweji and Laide's relationship develop during the book as well and I'm glad they had a happy, fulfilling life together. Well done!

Deb

First thank you for backing When Bluebirds Fly. I read bits of your book, wanted to read more but am short on time. I like the feel, subject matter of your book, but would like a little more physical description on the characters. Loved the ending. You write well, maybe make the book longer? JoAnn

I find this very interesting being a Yoruba girl! Thanks for backing my book.

Ch 1
I like your voice. I wish I could write like that and I should because I was born in the UK and lived in Nigeria. But more than a decade in the US has changed that, somewhat.
I think that should be pipe-borne water. Heart bits would be heart beat.
I love the part about the road-side mechanic and the acr parts. That was hilarious. I felt so sorry for the students who could not get anyone to act for them. I hope Eweji does something.

I'll be back...

Stella-Grace Taylor
ANONYMOUS GIFT GIVER

Hi your pitch is great inviting. Soon, I will read and revert back with honest comment.

I read your pitch and thought I would stop by to see what the story is about. A world opened to me like one that I didn't understand before. I could see the people walking along the streets where this and how the Mama helped the people in the community. Eweji is someone who you could relate to although he is many miles away.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Eweji is so likeable. Chapter two is amazing in the way it brings out his fine character, the news report, the uprising at the school. Nice closing line for the chapter, too. I look forward to reading more.
Cheers!
JBC

Unusual setting and always enjoyable to be immersed in a different culture with the ease of a few words. Loved the food tasting issue as it all opened.

Well, I think chapter one has loads of charm. Perhaps you could consider tweaking the last setnence so that it creates more of a hook. I enjoyed the rhythm of your narrative. I liked your characters. I'll pop backt o read more and will rate then.
Best,
John B Campbell

Gabriel,
Have read the first Chapter and it just didn't grab me. Your writing style came across as if i was reading a shopping list rather than being involved with the characters and what is happening to them. If all the chapters are this length i would say shorten them and give it some more gusto and life to intrigue the reader to go on and find out what is going to happen.
:)
Diane

You're wonderful, Gabriel, to again, back my "Bible Verse Songs" :) - it has to remain on your shelf over 24 hours to count, okay? :) I have also gold-******-rated your, "It Goes On Forever" book. :) Love, Susie :)

Gabriel,
First, allow me to thank you for backing my manuscript "When Pride Was Not an Option!" Of course it made me curious about you. I decided to read the first chapter of yours, then found myself wanting to read on. I am working quite hard to finish my final edit but your characters and what was happening with them made me want to read more.. If I had one critique it would be that I wanted to know more about what was happening around the characters. You mentioned being around the time of Hitler. That could be a whole chapter of how people had to live then. That time, what life was like, more on how people needed to do things just to exist. I am very interested in life in different cultures, having seen a drastically different one myself, and how different things can be. Paint me a picture!
I have watchlisted you. When I finish with mine I "will" come back and read it in its entirety and will comment more. But, in the meantime my friend, I think you have much more book in you. Very sincerely David

Lovely pictures in your story, Gabriel. I loved how you set the time and got the reader to have empathy for Eweji. I got the sense of the times and the place and the community. I think maybe you should just tidy up the format a little as it looks patchy in places where there are big gaps in the paragraphs. Also a few punctuation issues. In one place in mid chapter 1 you have a question mark and a full stop. But loved the content and will keep you on my watch list and give a good rating. Well done. Lindsey J.

I really like this story and have put it on my bookshelf.

This is a lovely story and very well written. I really enjoyed the first chapter and think you have a great concept here. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz) p.s. Backed!

Ah, I love this story! I love the title too. I think this has so much promise in my favourite genre- I love literary fiction that is full of emotion, focusing on relationships. You have more to aspire to in this type of novel than I have in my current book, but I believe you can achieve that.
You will have to do more work, though. May I suggest you have a look at one of my fav books of all time- The God of Small Things by Arandhati Roy. Note how she brings that simple story alive with the characters, imagery and voice! I think you can achieve that here.
I've chosen just one paragraph to help with wording but you will need to make similar changes throughout in addition to sprucing it up as I said above.
In the paragraph that describes how Eweji feels when he hears Ronke's voice:
"Her nasal tinge voice was still ringing in Eweji's ear long after she was gone.." just a suggestion for changing!!!
And I think you should take out, 'he'd become sensitized to that voice" and end simply with "she was such a beautiful girl."
Try not to use words like 'obviously' and 'apparently'.
I hope these are helpful to you.
I'm backing this and it stays for a while on my shelf because it is such a brilliant story and just needs some work as I've said, and you've got a real winner here!!!

I really enjoyed what I have read so far of your work. You reminded me of Alexander McCall Smith...took me to an area of the world outside my knowledge and made it real and interesting. I see others have mentioned the need to have it edited for grammar and so forth...that can easily be done. But the imagination of your work is your own and the character of Eweji is real and likelable. Keep going with this as it will end up a real winner. Lorri

Thanks for backing my book! I added your book to my watchlist and hope to read it soon :)

Hi Gabriel,

Some feedback - not sure if I owed you a read or not, but anyway...
Interesting setting for this coming of age / YA romance. A few suggestions for areas to look at to improve on this which i hope will be helpful. think carefully about the dialogue - in places it was rather stilted - particularly Eweji's speech, which doesn't seem appropriate in tone for a youth - too formal. (See his 'congratulations, Ronke,' speech.)
Beware also of author led commentary on the action - eg 'Terrible words to come from any person in such a circumstance.' Throughout we are being 'told' what is happening / has happened, rather than living it through the eyes of a character. - Showing everything from Eweji's perspective would help here.
And in general I'd suggest a 'pruning' of whole text - removing cliches / stock phrases etc - eg 'at this particular time' and trimming uneccessary words. This would tighten the whole thing up and increase impact. (I did it for my mss and ended up cutting out c 5,000 words - all in ones and twos!

Thanks for giving me the chance to read this. Good luck,
Margaret

There are of course issues with grammar and punctuation but I don't want to dwell on that...only to say, that you will do your book a great service to have someone look it over and edit in this capacity...cleaning up the format and grammar. Aside from that, this is wonderful. Does what any great work of fiction should do...immediately transported me to another time and place. I believed your characters and I thought the dialogue was realistic and entertaining. Also, you have a natural talent for the rhythms of language (despite your missteps with its proper form :-)), and I felt that this flowed with just the right details here, just the right scene there. And this has a folkloric feel to it, as though by the end of your tale, we will have learned something useful and universal, something about humanity. Really enjoyed this and would strongly encourage you to keep working on it!

---Mary

Hey Gotiko,

I read the first chapter and I should say there’s nothing to criticize, except some commas missing here and there in the direct speech. The script seems fine and flawless. But what is more important, the story itself is engrossing and beckoning me to follow into the next chapters.

Uncle Duro’s hysterical words “I wish this boy would die …” were horrible, and of course I was happy the boy survived. The re-christening is also important to the story. Actually I believe that the choice of the name affects our whole lives, and the wrong choice may, if not ruin, at least make a person’s life worse.

Gabriel, good luck with “It Goes On Forever”. I’m with your story and star-rating it copiously.

Ivan
The Beholder

Concise and uncluttered prose! I love the fresh, unpretentious characters, and adore anything set in dramatic Africa. I think you've got a great thing going on and I going to watchlist - for postition as soon as I can for my bookshelf. Run a grammar check for those little typos and missing punctuations. This book is certainly worth the effort, and a copy editor could easily whip this into shape for salable fiction.

The new Principal and his philosophy was presented well. The storyline flows smoothly and the setting of time is accomplished in a subtle manner part way into Ch1. Backed. Chuck

Thank you for backing my book, much appreciated. I have placed yours on my watchlist so that I can read it. Agaian many thanks Kathryn The Whispering wind

Thank you for backing my book, much appreciated. I have placed yours on my watchlist so that I can read it. Agaian many thanks Kathryn The Whispering wind

Hi Gotiko,

This is a very good story you paint the picture of poverty in small African village so good. I'm not going to comment on grammar and punctuation. Thos things are easily fixed in final edits. There are a few things that I can point to you agents and editors don't like. One is (a biggy) show vs. tell. For instance the entire para starting with: The entire community . . . " is telling. It is you all knowing author that is telling this to us reader and it reads as information dump. Meaning, it's not woven into your story, it's just there. Another thing is overuse of adverbs. They are considered weak verbs and you should keep their usage to a bare minimum if not avoid them all together. Then watch out for passive language, if you can construct your sentences without was, were, did, didn't, had been . . .
Finally, your word count is way below industry standard for this type of literature. If you check submission guidlines of many if not all publishing houses 42K is a short story but the genre suggest this should be at or around 100K. It could be your sperse writing style which is nothig wrong with it but it won't fly with the publishers. You may want to consider fleshing the story out. Add another POV, dig deeper, get into their head, have fun with it, let your mind soar, you'll see your book will come alive. I backed it on the strengh of premise.

Best,
Zrinka

I don't normally read children's fiction, but your book opens with enormous charm and a feeling of authenticity and I can imagine it appealing both to children and adults. Your direct, simple voice works very well.

Jim

Yes, I like this style, simple, flowing to the point without clutter, describing a life I can only imagine through such writing.
My only criticism would be that I feel the chapters are too long.
Otherwise, well done!

China
'Paxarillion'

This is so simple and yet it is rendered beautifully - you are a talented writer and I so enjoy a book that comes across as new and fresh as this does. Backed for a few days.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Gabriel,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The style is in the European tradition: that is Europeans tell, Americans show.
It is also a moment by moment narrative, that is each moment is a dangling act that requires the next to move on.....

.....and that you deliver.

There is also something that is very African in the story telling; the language is very concrete which provides plenty of mind images for the reader not only to read but to project in his mind.

The telling is fast. And what is better, placed in distinct scenery.

There is little phisophying or sociologising, a pronounced disease among certain African writers.
Instead, you get down to the business of a novelist:

.....that is, to tell a story.

Some of my favorites:

"I wish this boy....."
It has all the concreteness of somebody that confronts life without illusions of any kind

"The cloudy sky spelled...."

"Deceptively unagreesively...."
this paragraph is your personal best; instead of telling us about his soccer style, you unfolded as you wrote it.
For:
if you describe the readers reads it, if you unfold, the reader feels it.
Thus the difference.

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

You have a wonderful ability to unfold certain scenes rather than just tell them:

Why not do that more?

Specifically, to unfold the psychological map of your main characters
How?
By using body language
i.e. "What does this lover boy have that I don't" Eweji murmured in his dejection
instead of labeling the emotion (i.e. 'dejection') unfold it
i.e. "Eweji, murmured, his arms raised, his pommels protuding ever so, making his eyes go carousel like"
That way, the reader will feel rather than read his dejection.

I also would slice the chapters shorter. You have plenty of scene cuts in your chapters so there more than couple of opportunities here and there to make the chapters shorter, thereby giving the reader a natural pause.

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, this is very touching...this is wonderful. Happy to back you.

david

I've read a bit itno your story and like it very much. It's easy to read. Beautiful imagery. Needs just a bit of editing - I can't wait to read the rest. :) I think your story is unique.
Concetta

Your setting of the story is really good. I would advise a little polishing, as there are awkward sentences and missing commas in places--and commas in places they don't need to be. But the idea of the story is really good. I like how you set it up, and when. Very interesting. I did find myself wanting a bit more interaction between Ronda (I think that was her name) and Eweji. I love his name, by the way. Keep up with the good work.
If you have any spare time, could you possibly take a look at my book Alexis? Any comments would be appreciated!

--Shieldmaiden

Hi Gabriel!

I liked the setting of the first chapter, where you mention the dust raised by lorries passing through the village. The time of this is also clear because you mention Hitler’s war.

In the conversation about High School between Eweji and Ronke, it is unclear who is speaking which line of dialogue. Keep Eweji’s thoughts out of Ronke’s dialogue paragraphs and it will become clear.

I think you need to somehow work Mama’s theological stance into the story. She prays to the gods, and yet has her children/grandchildren christened and sends them to a Catholic school. Show the reader, who is probably unfamiliar with your country, Mama’s internal conflict/confusion between her ancestral gods and Christian faith.

Your narrative is of a high standard in terms of grammar and description. The setting is excellent. Also, you make good use of dialogue to explain how the story is developing. You introduce some interesting conflict within the first chapter, with love lost he wants to regain and the students’ disgruntlement.

The weaknesses come from a tendency to tell rather than show, and irrelevant characters. However, the irrelevant characters may be an attempt to introduce a distinctly African style of storytelling into your novel, such as using the two apprentice tailors to narrate the beginning of your story.

Let me explain a little better.

Show/Tell

To show a story is to describe what is happening to the characters as it happened, eg.

Mama approached Tunde’s bed and examined him. He was sweating and shaking. She placed her hand on his forehead and frowned. What medicine should she try this time? She’d already tried X and Y, but to no avail. Today she’d try Z and see if that helped.

Uncle Duro walked into the hut and glanced at Tunde. “Why doesn’t he hurry up and die, save us the agony of watching his slow death?”

In the above example, everything is described at the specific time it happens, rather than reported as an event floating in ‘anytime.’ In your writing you describe events that could have happened anytime rather than as they happen.

Irrelevant Characters

You begin the story by introducing two tailors, but then they play no part in the interesting story of how Tunde became Eweji that followed. Why bother introducing them if they’re not needed until later? This is the beginning of a novel in which you will introduce the reader to many people. You have the whole book to introduce them and should concentrate on just a few in the first chapter to aid clarity.

I hope these thoughts help you with your revisions.

All the best,
Chris :-)

I knew I had spotted some Oliver Twist-ish elements in this book... had to go back and check your profile to confirm that. Not that your writing is a mirror of Dickens's, but I can see some similarities--in a good way. Third Person Omniscient...

Now for the critique of chapter 1. Your prose is flawless, so far as I've read. You haven't made any grammatical errors, and I like your word choice. At some points in the story, I felt like you were telling rather than showing. But I can't quite call it that, because you kept my interest, and really, the no telling rule isn't written in stone, but more of a guideline--I've seen many successful authors, including legends such as Charles Dickens, tell rather than show, in a good way. For the most part, you've done that. Though I do feel that there are certain moments throughout the prose where you might have stepped too far into telling. But I can't be sure. I'll have to read more to get a better idea of how I feel about this story.

Story-wise: Your setting, western Africa, intrigues me. I've never read a story that takes place there, and you obviously know a good deal about the culture and customs there--at first I wondered if you had just done a great deal of research, then I read your bio and saw that you had lived in Nigeria. As far as the characters go, they're interesting enough, but I wonder if you'd hook readers more via characters if you threw in some accents, maybe gave the readers some examples of the dialect/jargon of the area. The names are certainly ones you don't read/hear every day, and because of that I can't help but wonder how these people might speak in person, how they'd pronounce the words. It could be very bad of me to suggest you change the dialogue--I've read plenty about the dangers of giving characters accents. But I think it would spice up your story even more, maybe make it feel even more authentic.

I'll continue to read more and will critique to the best of my ability as I go. Best of luck.

MP.

I think you have evoked very well the culture in which your two main characters lived as children. I particularly liked the descrition of the healing and the grandmother's delight at her child's recovery. I don't know if humour was intended but I laughed at the impatient Uncle when Tunde was 'dying' too slowly!
There are some errors in punctuation but CarolinaAl has covered them so I won't repeat.
You have a disticnctive voice and a way with words that is different and interesting to the reader.
I had a slight problem with Chapter 1. It is far too long and there are time switches in it. It could easily be made into two or three chapters.
Having said that I am glad to back it and will keep an eye on this book.
Keep writing and good luck.
Fontaine,
Legacy

Hi Gabriel, I must confess to being prejudiced here as I lived in West Africa for nine years and the mere mention of fried plantain had me drooling! Your story is very sweet and you tell it with a distinctive narrative voice. The dialogue is natural (although CarolinaAl has made some good points about the layout of dialogue)and the characters are distinctive and likeable. The whole piece is permeated with authentic African life, Mama Fatosin's best wrapper, for example, kept in her wooden box.
If I have a reservation it is that perhaps it should start with a slightly stronger moment than the two lads talking about Tunde's ill health. A slightly more dramatic moment would be when Mama Fatosin fears that her treatment is not gong to work. Get the readers to root for Tunde's recovery! As he does, then we have a real vested interest in him from the start (rather than someone telling us he suffers from ill health) and lots of the information given in the first page can be woven into the following text. Just a thought and I can see the advantages of the structure you have chosen so don't mind me!. I take the point in the comment below that there are patches reminiscent of Things Fall Apart, although hopefully this will not finish so badly! All in all a very enjoyable read, especially for an old Africa hand. Jaye

It Goes On Forever is a really beautiful book written about young people living in a small town in West Africa. Author Gabriel Otiko masterfully describes Awuli and its people and the main characters of Eweji and Ronke. To say that this book was captivating would be an understatement. It’s dripping in West African culture that is as interesting as the story itself. I am reminded of Things Fall Apart when reading It Goes On Forever, which those of you who are familiar with that classic tale, will know is no small compliment. Otiko has penned a perfect tale that will easily garner large scale appeal and respect when printed. HarperCollins would be wise to grab this one up before anyone else does.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Loved this. It is one I would like to curl up with of an afternoon or evening. The dialogue is clear driving the plot forwardand the prose faultless. The words flow absorbing the reader into the story.
Will Eweje find Ronke again, or is she lost to the Director for ever for ever. I must come back to read more.
Highly recommended ,

Rated 6 stars.

Best wishes,
Katy.xx
Phobic Dawn.

I came back again to rate the book under the new 'Star-system' This is a truly evocative account of Africa which I recognise from my travels. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An original account written in a believable style. A sympathetic main character. A touching love story. Distinctive voice.

Specific comments on chapter 1:
1) ' ..., both apprentice tailors in their early twenties sat under a fig tree ...' Comma after 'twenties.'
2) "He's at it again" Duro said. Comma after 'again.' When a dialogue tag (Duro said) follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it is a question). There are many more cases of this type of punctuation problem in your first chapter and probably throughout your manuscript. You must correct all of these occurances to give your manuscript a polished, professional appearance.
3) "I can tell when a woman is pregnant, even when the pregnancy is only two weeks old" Put a period at the end of this dialogue sentence. When there is no dialogue tag (he said, she said, etc) following dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period (unless it is a question or exclamation). There are many more cases of this type of problem.
4) "Welcome back my child" Comma after 'back.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, put a period at the end of this dialogue sentence.
5) "My own Eweji" The old woman remarked. Comma after 'Eweji' and 'The' should be lowercase. When a dialogue tag (the old woman remarked) follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it is a person's name). There are more cases of this type of problem.
6) ' ... after primary school he became a member o the foundation class of Saint Francis College ...' 'O' should be 'of.'
7) ' ... gave him the nickname of "Dangerous Leaf" Put period after 'Leaf.' There are more cases of missing periods at the end of narrative sentences.
8) I like how you introduce and develop the love story.
9) ' ... and Eweji now found himself doing the running.. Remove one of the periods at the end of this sentence.
10) ' ... and then waited and waited and waited ..... When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots.
11) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you polish this all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Thank you for supporting "Savannah Passion." I hope "Savannah Passion" can be returned to your shelf and stay on your shelf until it reaches the editor's desk. Have a fine day.

I really like your story and the characters you introduce. I know just a little about Africa and its history, and I find your setting and the outlook of Eweji very interesting. I particularly liked the part about the students and their food. However, it seems to me you have a lot of different stories going on here, and you might need to think a bit more about how you string them together. While each of them was fascinating in turn, they did not seem to connect very well. Long periods of time were passed over between one part and the next, and then you focussed in again on an immediate present. Don't be discouraged by this comment. You clearly have a gift for storytelling, and with a bit more thought and polishing, you could turn this into a really lovely book. Good luck with it.
Colet

I was happy to be in Africa. To see things I would never otherwise have seen. To see a way of life--a whole other mindset on what it is to live.

The details of the community: the herbalist, the thatch roof, the healing--the community's reaction to it--all profound to me.

I'd like to hear it read. As I discern a different cadence to the voice, an accent I'd like to be able to attach to the story.

The plot was somewhat secondary to me, as I was content just to see a part of the world, a people, I don't know.

The illness I suspect will have further meaning as the story progresses.

I can tell you that appreciated being transported. I think readers like that.

This is an interesting story which takes me into another culture and time. The writing is a bit jerky in places but with another read through I am sure you could make the necessary changes. The pitch encouraged me to read it. I can hear your voice as I read. Anna

This is an interesting story which takes me into another culture and time. The writing is a bit jerky in places but with another read through I am sure you could make the necessary changes. The pitch encouraged me to read it. I can hear your voice as I read. Anna