Ladder to the Moon

This is an ideal way to escape all the thrillers that seem to occupy authonomy. It is a magical story that develops at its own pace and absorbs the reader into its imaginative world. A rich,well-crafted wonder that deserves to be published. It will stay on my shelf for a long time.

John

Very interesting, highly starred. I hope you realise how great your book is.

The cover was so intriguing and made me want to find out more. Animals speeking, dragons, and magic what more need I say. I find this a wonder book that many people will enjoy reading.

For me, this caught fire when Hob entered the scene. It had been ticking over nicely before that but at his entrance the story suddenly stepped up a gear and what had been casual interest became a desire to continue reading.

I have to say i stumbled on this story after the book cover vote.
I am glad i did.
Your vivid imagination and wonderfully descriptive writing style, is captivating in this world you created.
I will be back to read more, for i just started. And i have so many promised reads to do.
If the rest of this story is as colorful as the first two chapters this will be a read i will recommend to all.

JJ Marro
Magic of the Frogs

A talking horse, how refreshing!
I was taken with the strange creatures at the beginning of this wonderful magical tale. They came across vividly and almost human, except of course for the big shinning cat. I followed Terzin in the dark of the night and was rather happy the horse decided to talk to the lonesome girl.
I'm enjoyimg your story which is very well written and easy to follow.
Good work.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: An engaging start. An intriguing main character. Quirky, colorful secondary characters. Good world building. Clever wit. Sharp, evocative descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) I have no idea what an effreetlet is and when I did a Goggle search nothing came up but your book.
2) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'creaked loud enough to wake the dead' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) A talking horse. How clever.
2) 'H .. How long have you been able to talk?" When using ellipses ( ... ), always use three dots. Using less pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with just two dots. You don't want that. There are more cases where you have used only two dots to show hesitant speech.
3) "His death, on a distant battlefield." Girl said, bleakly. Comma after 'battlefield.' 'Girl said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).

I hope this critique will help you further polish these all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Chapter 1: very funny. good set up of the concept of the fairy tale.

break into shorter, smoother sentences. less -
Try reading it out loud. If you have to take a breath, put in a period.

briquette? not clear
opinion: less of Her discussing the rules when we do so again with the ebony skinned one
perhaps have Her say programmers aren't allowed after crash any more instead of demoness offering.

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

You have the gift of being able to bring the reader in easily. The humour and pace of the first chapter set up the story brilliantly and give it that jaunty dispatch. I will place it on my WL to be promoted tomorrow or the day after. Looking forward to reading some more.

Best of luck,

Hughie

A very nice light-hearted fantasy. The pace is a little slow, especially in the early chapters, and the narrative could use some tightening. The characters are believable, the dialogue realistic, and there are often some felicitously poetic descriptions. The text is reasonably well-edited (but make up your mind if you want "carthorse" or "cart-horse" - I vote for the latter so the reader doesn't try to slip a diphthong in there, as in "Carthusian").

I'll back this just as soon as one of the current inmates of my bookshelf is released for good behavior.

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

I was initially attracted by the cover and title, and then the pitch did its thing (and very well). I love a unique and intriguing premise… and that’s what it seems you have in Ladder to the Moon. I like the way you introduce the MCs, and the way you set up the story, revealing the underlying premise up front in the first chapter. The one gripe I have is the capitals, She, Her, He, His, even My is capitalized. “I’ll take her as My playing piece.” No…

Pronouns referring to deities do not need to be (and I feel, should not be) capitalized. When I encounter a capitalized pronoun my mind does a ‘stop and check for the beginning of a sentence’ thing. The only place I recall seeing pronouns capitalized in this manner (and I don’t believe it is correct there either) is the Bible. “The Princess hid a little smile…” Princess is a common noun here; it should not be capitalized. “The Princess (common noun) poured a glutinous liquid…” I was, one day, walking through the palace, and bumped into Princess (proper noun) Anne. Princess should be capitalized in this case.
Looking past that, I found the writing and the story enjoyable… though the shifting titles (in the first chapter) took a little getting used to.
The second chapter was easy… and a complete pleasure to read.
I skipped well ahead to chapter 14 and found the story still going strong… engrossing, well written paragraphs. One tiny nit though… “Only one story is hardly ever heard, though it sometimes falls from the lips…” This seems a wee bit awkward. Perhaps… “One story, however, is rarely heard, though it sometimes falls from the lips of half-drunk old men…”
I’m backing Ladder to the Moon because it is a well written, engaging story. The issues I pointed out are minor, and might not be issues for other readers.

Rodney
(The Father)

Gripping pitch.
Backed

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

backed http://saffinadesforges.wordpress.com

Very enjoyable.

Elizabeth Love
(Pouring the Cup)

Hi, I was browsing and came across this book. The pitch encouaged me to read on and, picking several chapters at random, I found it very well written.
A couple of tips about technique. Firstly I noticed you have a lot of exclamation marks. It's best to use them to convey loud noises, (eg, shouting), or surprise, rather than purely for emphasis.
Secondly you have a lot of 'embedded dialogue', ie, lines of characters' dialogue, each framed by prose. It has the effect of chopping up the conversation and creates a drag on story as the reader mentally changes gears between what is being said, and various visual clues, other details, and non-verbal signals. That's fine if that is your intention, but sometimes, as a reader, it's nice to have short sections of straight dialogue without any interruptions. It may be a consequence of having several characters talking at the same time, and it's certainly easier to have uninterrupted dialogue where there are only 2 characters talking, so maybe go through it and see if there are sections where you can limit the conversation to just 2 characters.
I see it's currently listed as incomplete and, due to the wealth of choice on the site, I have a policy of not backing works in progress, so I've placed it on my watchlist for now. If it is complete then it's best to add a line to your pitch or profile to that effect and give total wordcount, rounded up to the nearest 1000 words.
I'll check back to see if it's complete when I next have room on my bookshelf.
All the best,
NaomiM

Interesting idea for a novel. Not my usual fare but your target readers will absolutely love it. Brilliant. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

An enchanting tale well told, and well crafted. I like the way the 1st chapter ends on a hanger. Too many end flat.
Backed

This is an amusing fantasy. Quirky, colorful characters and vivid scenes. Sharp descriptions. Convincing dialogue that evokes the era. Hilarious wit. Robust storyline. Confident writing. A first rate read. Backed.

Absolutely brilliant. Richly imagined, intriguing, with instantly sympathetic heroine. It combines thriller, magic, humour and great characters, both good and bad. How come I have to wait till it's published to read the end? Very best wishes and thanks for a delightful read. To back? Easy Peasy Jaye Hill

Found this by chance, and am delighted with your rich, leisurely, colourful, amusing and magical tale. I see I'll have to settle for 16 chapters now, but this is one of the few I'd like to read to the very end. Just going to clear a space on my shelf, then I'll be BACKING you.

Ladder to the moon

I like the way you have draughted your characters. They are light and airy and suit the genre of the book. I particularly like Tierzin I though it was a sad tale but the lessons learned through her hardship stand her in good stead. The joyrney shae takes through her life and the characters she encounters make this an inticing read.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley- I hope you can take a moment to have a look

I just read the introduction and found your novel intriguing. Your characters are both metaphoric and well-drawn out flesh and blood. The story of the two pawns, a princess in pearls and an orphan girl in rags certainly has my fingers itching to turn the page. Wonderful description of the characters and surrounds, love the touch of humor.

Patricia
All Saints' Day

I enjoyed the first chapter, the idea is certainly different and the writing does not let it down. I don't usually go in for fantasy, or to be honest, very much for comedy - but I liked this and am happy to back it.

A complex plot that boils down to the gods playing with our lives. This is a fun read, well-written, and with very few errors, and those tiny.
Most enjoyable. Marj.

A rich tapestry is here, with abundant descriptive details producing both broad and subtle comedy. The bargaining and game-playing of good and evil beings, prefigured in the book of Job and other ancient literature, is entertainingly handled in this provocative and funny book.

Bill

Classic mythical premise given a nice update with clever wit. Nicely done. I didn't see any technical weaknesses in the part I read. Happy to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

Your mixture of imaginative and descriptive writing coupled with just the right touch of humour makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

What is done well in this first section is that you entirely represent another time and place, another world. We are immediately immersed and interested, because of your descriptions and mystical characters. However, I felt that the reading took a bit too much effort. Not because of your dense style or your broad word choice, both of which I appreciate, but because everything is simply over-described. The action, the story, the dialogue--all of it slowed at times by description, both of surroundings and of what the characters are doing and thinking between speaking. Once the dialogue begins, it actually loosens up a bit but the first few paragraphs especially are hard to get through. Also, watch your use of --, there's usually a better way, grammatically, to have an aside or a pause. But an interesting story and definitely an intriguing world for a fantasy novel.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I love the pitch, and the first chapter certainly doesn't dissappoint.
With rich, colourful language you paint a world of strange creatures (love the cat/man!), who are at the same time very earthy and real.
Backed with pleasure.
Karien - A Bird in a Pram

I like the mixture of grandeur and humour in the opening of this book. I feel like some of the paragraphs could do with some breaking up - I felt a bit overwhelmed reading parts - but it's very enjoyable all the same :-) Backed.

I thought that this was wildly imaginative and quite amusing in places, too. You write in a clear, easy to follow style, which is important in this genre and often lacking. Bravo.
Backed, of course,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Quite pleasantly surprised by your ability to write--not all that common in this genre. Well done.

Vince Czyz

Hello Jilly. I see you have had lots of critique. I think this is a great plot and you have a good way with descriptive words. I liked the strength of the characters and can see this doing well with its genre. Backed and best of luck with it! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Magical story that captures the essence of childhood and I can see kids everywhere settling down to read this. backed with pleasure.

Dear Jilly, I love your adventure & your heroine - she's cool. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Hi Jilly, Entrancing and full of bright detail that paints the scenes with Tierzin. And the goddess section with the funereal drawing room! I liked how these two are playing a game against each other with the the two young women. The rules also impel the story and I think will enhance the plot. Sometimes the prose seemed over-laden but I loved these descriptions and they heightened the sympathy for Tierzin. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is not a genre I read but having said that I found the pitch interesting. There seem to be lots of aspects going on to entice a reader. I am sure it will do well in its genre. Best of luck with it.

Sue

Lovely and magical!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

Backed
Splinker
B.D.S.T.

1. I'm not quite sure why the hers and she's are capitalized in your first chapter, or prologue, because no one is speaking that, it is only in the narrative (I may be wrong on this though?)

2. it seems to be a bit wordy and difficult to follow in some places, but we can get the idea and follow;

3. Not sure it classifies as a comedy?

1. The capitals are meant to be ironic. I've always disliked fantasy novels that use a lot of capitals - the Brave Hero goes on the Noble Quest to the Big City and that kind of thing - so I'm having a dig at that. It also suggests that Goddess and the Arch-Demoness aren't as all-powerful and important as they think they are.
2. I like wordy and slow-paced, and that's what I wanted for this book.
3. It gets funnier later, but it is British-style comedy and more like Monty Python than slapstick, so I do appreciate that it may not translate across all cultures.

Not big on Sci Fi, not really my genre, but here are a couple of things :)

1. I'm not quite sure why the hers and she's are capitalized in your first chapter, or prologue, because no one is speaking that, it is only in the narrative (I may be wrong on this though?)

2. it seems to be a bit wordy and difficult to follow in some places, but we can get the idea and follow;

3. Not sure it classifies as a comedy?

Other than those points, overall you have a great concept here. AgAin, this is not my genre so I'm not much help in that area and this is all personal opinion :) Added to my shelf for support!

Brittany
My Last Notes

This is a great Saturday afternoon read. Easy, smooth, fun, engaging, a chance to just relax.
I think this book is going to do well once it's published and I can easily see you with volumes of published work.
Best of luck,
Dawn De Remer

Dear Jilly,
I could never read fantasy. I hate to admit but Tolkein bored me to tears. I picked your book simply because I loved the title. Then your wonderful opening metaphor explaining our existence and fate caught my fancy. Then you gave us Tierzin. I'm going back and study how you developed her character because you did so with enviable perfection. Jilly, go with this. I really like (and I don't like fantasy) it. I would read on and I would buy this. I'm proud to shelve this, and oh your voice is clear and fresh, your words poetic. You deserve great success with Ladder to the Moon.
Caroline
Summer Rose

This is an ideal way to escape all the thrillers that seem to occupy authonomy. It is a magical story that develops at its own pace and absorbs the reader into its imaginative world. A rich,well-crafted wonder that deserves to be published. It will stay on my shelf for a long time.

John

I have to disagree with the previous reader - this did not come across as convoluted at all. I thought you paid great attention to setting up the details of your novel. You gave your reader a firm foundation, and a quick polish for technical and grammar problems would take this piece from very good to outstanding.

Backed
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

This was intriguing. It’s a little long winded and convoluted in parts, but sucked me in to read more than I had intended. The bitchy deities at the beginning made me chuckle.

I love the book title and cover. The pitch grabbed my attention. I read the first chapter and thought the content and voice was great. The writing needs some work, and I'd suggest you visit critiquecircle.com for some free advice on how to clean this up. Overall though, a great story. I'm happy to back this on my next shelf rotation.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix
(would love for you to return the read)

You obviously have a vivid imagination and have a real ability to tell a tale. This is not my usual genre, but I can certainly appreciate your talent and the element of comedy was pure genius - happily backed. Paula & Patrick - How Mean is My Valley?

You have a great talent, Jilly. This is so good I forgot to drink my tea!

John

Really enjoying this, Jilly. You have entranced me already with the rich description of Tierzin's world and I look forward to reading my chapter each day (all an old man like me can cope with on these infernal computer screens). Ladder To The Moon will stay on my shelf for a long time and deserves to be in print.