UPROOTED

Hiya,

I'm very sorry I don't have time to read this properly - I was intrigued by the short pitch, which describes 'Lakshmi' as a 'Muslim girl', which seemed unusual.

I was interested to see that Lakshmi's family is (presumably) both Muslim and Hindu, and that both she and her sister have Hindu names. From a first reading I get the impression that her mother is from North India (as she prays in Hindi and Urdu). However, I was surprised by the fact that her father identifies as Muslim despite his own father being an Indian Tamil, because the majority of upcountry Tamils (those brought from India by the British to work in the tea plantations) were Hindu.

I hope that the unusual origins of Lakshmi's family would be further explained if I read on - I'm curious to know what sort of research you needed to do for this chapter and how you decided on such a mixed ethnic/religious background for the main character.

You have touched on a serious topic in this first chapter and given a slight indication of Lakshmi's perspective on the civil war in Sri Lanka - I will be interested to see how much of an impact it has on Lakshmi's life in the US.

Regards,
elf_friend

David. liked your 'about me' comments!
This is a background topic which is and will be wrote about increasingly. I like you take on it. The clash of cultures is one we all encounter. Interesting and educational. BACKED.
appreciate any thoughts on my childrens' book ; Paperbat Adventures.
Jerry [paperbat]

To David J Gibson,

I found this a good read, and really don't have any trouble BACKING it.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Dear David
I cannot imagine how this book passed me by, but it did. Your book cover drew me this time and then your long pitch. Just like the read so far, very well crafted. Your characters and storyline have me on the edge, however I have not finished it yet and will carry on and comment later again
if you have already backed my book thank you so much, if not would you find the time, if not that is OK also
the VERY best of luck
Denise
The Letter

An engaging work and one that certainly must have been tough to write. The thought that needs to be placed in the relationships between credos has a tension of its own, I think.

You do well with the dialogue and the characters are something to behold; it certainly is not difficult to imagine them as real, living in the real world and struggling in just the way that you represent.

BACKED. Cheers.

Very engaging read. The first chapter especially was raw and emotional, immediately intriguing..

Donna
(The Many Adventures of Syd and Sparkle)

Hi David. I briefly looked into your work and I must admit your style is to my liking. Short, concise, phrases. And a very adequate lexicon, for the tale told. Are you by any chance a polyglot?. The only benign critical comment I will make, is regarding the length of your paragraphs. A tiny weeny bit short?. Effective indeed. But perhaps, just perhaps, much too much, the thing to do technically in today's literature? . I repeat, I liked your style . Backed.

This is a winner. Lakshmi is likable and fully fleshed out. Yout imagery is cinematic. Not only do I see people and places, I hear, smell, taste and touch them as well. You enrich your brilliant narrative with apt similies such as 'like a child's carousel lantern' and clever metaphors like 'pins of fear crawl up my arm.' Your dialogue is natural and deepens your story. Your pacing kept me riveted. This is engaging literary fiction, masterfully told. Backed.

Really gripping tale, and your use of first-person complements it perfectly. I didn't see any technical weaknesses in what I read, and I hope this does well for you here. Happy to back it.
Craig
The Job

When hindu, muslim christen and Jew are intergated together in one partcular place its no surprise they all find some common ground. When attractive foreigners and officals, who have experience organising visas, are thrown together, its no surprise they find common gound. Being a discrete or indiscrete picture of modern America post 9/11, subtly exploring the deeply rooted religious beliefs with the lure of the freedoms that exibit along the boulevards of strip joints. Uprooted is a marvellous transgression of not wanting to be seen, in a place where everything is seen.
Excellent story backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility.
In chapter seven: Mordechia wallpapered his hndskake with a portrait of andrew Johnson making the exchange with the Jeremy the doorman. ( Should it read wiith Jeremy the doorman)

This is vivid writing and anyone who reads will like it as long as they're not squeamish. The use of the present tense is tiring but it does work in this context. Reading this is very much like watching a good film. Backed.

Liked the pitch, and liked the first chapter. I have fread several first person books on here and published and i agree with the last comment, if the subject it good then it doesnt matter. This really is a good, engaging read. Backed - Clair

Love the multi-linguistic start and the sheer bravery in going for this subject matter. also impressed you figured out a way to show the cyrillic script. As for the comment preceding this one - in a well-written book, tense is immaterial - proof of this is that books are published in a variety of tenses - so no crisis, just stick with it. You're doing great!

Drop the present tense, many publishers will stop at the first verb and your work will end on the slush pile.
Don’t try to ‘pep’ your work with ‘fancy’ beginnings, drop the italics except when they are the first persons thoughts, - I pondered, “What if he sees me there?”.

Dialogue tags – Mother said, (comma) dialogue.
He stopped running. (full stop) “I can’t go on.”

Try to use “said” or “asked” or replied, nothing more, whisper is okay but – he moved his mouth close to her ear. “I have always loved you…” He isn’t going to shout is he? He raised is voice as the wind howled…

Now to your story.

Erase EVERYTHING BEFOREHAND and I mean EVERYTHING and start with the title, author name – and your very first sentence should begin (without a dream) something like this:

I lay in bed, listening to the sound of the dew-laden wind, carrying the scent from the mango groves as it rustled through the tea bushes. From far off…

Best of luck.

David - Terrific writing; you draw the reader right in and I can see it all in my mind and feel her fear. I hope this does well - it deserves to. Jayne

Dear David --

What struck us most in Uprooted -- aside from the strength of your narrative and largely excellent dialogue -- was your ability to create a shifting atmosphere that brought us into the story alongside your characters. In Chapter 1, it's Lakshmi's Sri Lanka; in two, it's the gritty NY streets & subway, then the stripclub. There's a cinematic quality to your descriptions, but they're deeper than 2D. You maintain this through all the chapters up on this site, and it kept us reading, drawn ever deeper into Lakshmi's transformation -- or corruption, depending on one's viewpoint.

The early chapters are nitpick free; the later chapters, especially 16, show signs of punctuation issues and missing words. Easy to fix, of course, and small glitches in an otherwise engrossing story. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hi David,

I was impressed with the change in style to differentiate between Lakshmi’s two worlds.

Chapter 1 read as though from ‘within another culture’ and I thought the taking and return of her father was described well.

I was a little daunted by the amount of Arabic at the beginning (and the semantic awkwardness of the translation) I liked seeing the Arabic script, but would have preferred only one or two lines.

I was surprised that Lakshmi’s father’s body ‘bounced’ when thrown from the stationary truck.
I was impressed with the way you revealed that he was alive.

I thought the change to ‘Western-style narrative’ for chapter two worked very well. Lots of good dialogue, interactions and descriptions.

I was a little surprised that Lakshmi wasn’t more shocked on her first visit to the club – I thought it was only really in that evening’s dream that she felt ‘soiled and unclean’ at the notion of exotic dancing.

I thought the report of the honour killing, her need to get away from the uncle and the possiblity of an arranged marriage all leading to her moving away and to the club environment was done very well.

Hi David,

Don`t have any particular critique, I think the other commentators have pretty much covered everything. So I`m just going to say that I found `Uprooted` absorbing, it`s a fast paced read packed with intense characters. Backed with absolute pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

Sorry,I don't read text written in the first tense.

David, Uprooted is a book that every American needs to read -- actually, that every Westerner needs to read. A fantastic tale that reveals the hope, heart and humanity of a bold young Muslim woman post 9/11, her inner religious struggle, and the harsh bigotry and ignorance of many.

I steamrolled through the first two chapters, absolutely captivated by the narration and dialogue. I can't wait to get more into how Lakshmi adapts to life in America, and copes with her new job on the pole.

You have created a character that is human first and Muslim second. A character we root for and who makes us question our often quick judgments.

(By the way, I am a Jew married to a beautiful Muslim woman of Indonesian descent, so I was particularly attracted to your tale)

I am backing the hell out of this book!

Best,

-g

Uprooted - I too do honest crit - it isn´t always popular - so sorry in advance
Ch 1 -
Cut - I dread giving speeches - its redundant.
Cut - on
Cut out all the italics. Trust your readers. WE get it from the context, and anything like this that reminds us were in a book - breaks the flow. Let the words do the work.
And every one must do a job - or its out.
willing...thoughts - is poor syntax. Reword.
Cut:
The familiar sound - cliched and unnecessary.
'On the road'´'flutter'
Í feeze...room'
etc, etc
then maybe edit the whole chapter this way and you end up with a tighter, more tense read.
Your thoughts on Charlie Marconi would be appreciate, and a backing IF deserved
best
simon

You are brave to take on the topic of a muslim girl's plight between choosing her family ideals and her independence. I read the first few chapters and Lakshmi is already at the club beginning her initiation into the world of exotic dancing. I have backed the book based on the writing and the fact that I plan to read the rest of the story. My only crits are that the word 'she' is used to begin a sentence too often. Sometimes used four or five times in the same paragraph. (I have the same tendency and have started to slowly break the habit.) And I feel her acceptance into the world of exotic dancing came a little to easily, even though it is explained that she wants to leave the uncle's home and she has some type of scurvy issue on her leg. I wanted more turmoil and angst over her need to choose a difficult lifestyle. I am hoping we explore this further in the book but if we are to believe in the authenticity of her roots then I want Lakshmi to battle with her motives before going through with such a huge decision. Right now we are walking through the scenes with her and seeing the story unfold but it's without explaining the internal emotion and conflict I need to validate her choices.
That said - you are an excellent writer and I know this will do well.
Best Regards Christine Elaine Black _ MAXIMUS

I found this to be a very powerful piece of writing with descriptive detail that makes the narrative very easy to access. The girl's plight is very typical for many women who end up in urban fleshpots all over the world...backed!
Stewart

It's a really good plot and one where we should be able to empathise easily with Lakshmi but somehow it fails to convince in the first chapter, and it fails to convince when Billy makes her the first work offer. It's just that you haven't managed to get into her head yet. I'm sure you can work on this so I've backed.
Rosalind
Good For Him
Making It

chapter 6: The juxtaposition of the quote from Ezekiel about cleansing sins, next to the actions of the two men is eerie! This is an extremely effective method of illustration.

Worse than our darkest dreams, Uprooted (chapter 1) brings the terror of (what seems like) a real life incident, on a plantation in Sri Lanka into our minds. This spellbinding account displays an abhorrent incident that changes a loving family forever.

Saw your Forum notes. Chapter 12 - Christian Quotes - Proverbs 1:31 "they will eat the fruit of thier ways and be filled with the fruit of thier schemes." or maybe even Proverms 2:18 "For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain their paths of life." There are other Proverbs that might be equally good for other chapters.

a well set book, obviously you have taken time an effort to write...on my watchlist...
su dan...read SEASONS...

David, couple of typos in chapter 1: door rattan door, repeat of door queue for cue
regards, Jim D

Thank you for backing UPROOTED but thank you more for the comments. By way of apology, the amount of correcting and editing, changing POV, tense, etc. has left little room for the writing you are craving but it will be addressed. It is a work in progress and i deeply and sincerely appreciate you pointing the weakness out. When we are both through with this site I hope to exhange completed books with people such as yourself who would enjoy the rest of the story....Now i sound like Paul Harvey....LOL.

I'm not sure that my comment will meet the qualifications you seem to want in a comment; however, I did closely read the first two chapters here. Obviously, nary a grammatical error in sight and it's accomplished, professional writing to be sure, possibly due to your team effort. I think the main issue I had was that in the first chapter, up until the paragraph beginning "Mother looks from one to the other," there was nothing unique about the characters or writing. Many of the phrases were ones that you hear over and over: curling into a ball, heavy footsteps, ghostly images, icy wind, hurried footsteps, my mind races, heart pounds...etc." It was like a Writing 101 assignment, I'm sorry to say. You have a couple of moments--"As we watch the night swallow the jeep" and the rustling of tea bushes (didn't even know tea grew in bushes)--ways of describing things that actually caught my attention. But it wasn't until "ibis feathers" that I actually went from auto pilot reading to feeling a nudge of something. I commend your efforts with editing, as this is a huge part of it, right? But I'd think a little about setting and description, and finding new ways to say something, ways that will make your prose stand out. Love the idea for the book and as I said, some solid writing here. Sorry that I don't have the time to read more, as some have done for you. Good luck.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I'm not sure that my comment will meet the qualifications you seem to want in a comment; however, I did closely read the first two chapters here. Obviously, nary a grammatical error in sight and it's accomplished, professional writing to be sure, possibly due to your team effort. I think the main issue I had was that in the first chapter, up until the paragraph beginning "Mother looks from one to the other," there was nothing unique about the characters or writing. Many of the phrases were ones that you hear over and over: curling into a ball, heavy footsteps, ghostly images, icy wind, hurried footsteps, my mind races, heart pounds...etc." It was like a Writing 101 assignment, I'm sorry to say. You have a couple of moments--"As we watch the night swallow the jeep" and the rustling of tea bushes (didn't even know tea grew in bushes)--ways of describing things that actually caught my attention. But it wasn't until "ibis feathers" that I actually went from auto pilot reading to feeling a nudge of something. I commend your efforts with editing, as this is a huge part of it, right? But I'd think a little about setting and description, and finding new ways to say something, ways that will make your prose stand out. Love the idea for the book and as I said, some solid writing here. Sorry that I don't have the time to read more, as some have done for you. Good luck.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Comments for Chapter 3:

Hi David. Here are some comments on your second chapter, still interesting and with huge potential, but with POV issues that bother me.
I think I saw a hint of these issues in the first chaper, but they moved to the forefront here.

>> Rati was getting the hang of the system, walking the floor, asking for dances and getting the customers in the private booths. Her only problem remained ... <<

Modern publishing rules (which in this case I strongly agree with) dictate that when you begin a chapter (or a new scene, for that matter) that you quickly situate the reader inside the POV character's head. Here, we had an entire first paragraph of observations, followed by four lines of dialog, before I knew whose head I was in. I didn't even know who was speaking. This left me floating, unanchored, unable to sink into the world of the story. Many or most readers dislike being left hanging loose like this, and agents/editors dislike it as well. You can fix this by something as simple as:

Tisha leaned against the wall and watched Ravi stride out to the dance floor, headed for a guy in a brown tweed coat.

This immediately lets the reader know who the POV character is, what she is seeing, and roughly what her location is.
Please believe me when I say that this is a vital writing habit to develop. I've seen many writing Web sites and articles in writing mags that stress the importance of quickly grounding the reader in the scene. In fact, a recent interview with an agent in Writer's Digest listed floating dialog at the start of a chapter as being in the top ten reasons why she would toss a submission without reading further.

MF'er should not be capitalized.

>> Jeremy was the wall of a man monitoring and maintaining proper conduct ... <<
This is the voice of the author stepping in with an explanation.

>> It was just such an occasion when he arrived. She had been there two months. <<
Again, this is the voice of the author delivering an information dump.

>> She did not know where in her memory she retrieved the name. <<
This is a severe head jump, very illegal in modern style. We've been in Tisha's head. If you want to head jump, you need to do a clean scene break.

>> Lakshmi led him upstairs and they sat in the VIP.—like two friends having coffee. <<

Okay, before you totally lose patience with me, I'll make this my last omniscience comment. But I have to once again say that the first half of this line is a fact stated by an outside observer, and the second half is a comment from the author. This sort of thing is very, very high on the list of style choices that virtually all agents emphasize will cause them to trash a submission. Narration by an omniscient author is one of the top deadly sins in modern publishing. If you don't believe me, check for yourself. Go to a bunch of agent sites and see what they list as their major loves and hates.


I read through the rest of the chapter. It was poignant. You've created a sympathetic character in a serious plight. You also have lots of potential in the form of her nationality and the strip club scene. Readers always want to learn new things as they read.

However, so much of this story is told in omniscient mode, with lots of head jumping and frequent narration by the author, that I believe it will be a miracle if an agent or publisher ever picks this up. You are very, very seriously going against some of the most important rules of modern fiction. That's too bad, because you have what could be a great novel here. You have the character and the plot, and your writing ability is solid. It's just that you are fighting the tide of modern publishing to an enormous degree. Most beginning authors let narration accidentally slip in every now and then, or occasionally do a head jump. But you do it throughout. This is going to cost you big-time when it comes to finding a publisher, which will be a tradjedy, because a novel this good deserves to be published and read.

Sandy

Hi David. I just enjoyed the first chapter of Uprooted. I should warn you that because I think you are a serious writer, I am being much more picky than usual.

Here are some thoughts:

The first sentence is lovely.

The second sentence has a typo (I FEET instead of I FEEL) and a comma splice (the mosquito net). The sad truth is that many or most agents and editors receive such a huge volume of submissions that they can afford to keep only those with flawless grammar. I'll bet that an agent who spots two such errors in the second sentence would throw this work in the trash without reading further. Life is cruel for beginning authors.

Your second sentence begins "Glancing toward the speech notes" and then the main body is "I try to go back to sleep." This is a common but serious error. When a sentence begins with a present participial phrase, the two verb forms (glancing and try) must, by definition, be simultaneous in time. They must NOT be sequential in time. But one would not glance toward notes while simultaneously trying to go to sleep. So this sentence does not make sense.
This structure should be reserved for truly simultaneous events:
"Clutching my books to my chest, I trudged onward."

You have a sentence fragment (no verb) that begins, "Then, from far off..." Did you intend for this to be a fragment? Perhaps, but the usual rule is to reserve fragments for high-tension situations.

I like the alternation between thoughts in italics and perceptions. It's an effective technique.

"Finding my slippers, I stand." may be the time order problem again, although I admit that she may have found her slippers as she stood. No big deal here.

"...the warning whispers" is another comma splice.
This is a very serious grammatical error, and I've seen it twice now, so I'll explain it.
A comma splice occurs when you join two complete sentences (noun+verb) with a comma but no conjunction.
Right: Jack filled the bucket with water, and Jill carried it up the hill.
Wrong: Jack filled the bucket with water, Jill carried it up the hill.

I love that she tries to scream but cannot hear her voice. Nice writing.

How can mother kiss the girl's forehead if there's a finger placed to her (mother's) lips?

"..they will find me, I will not..." is yet another comma splice. I won't comment again on this issue, but you really need to break this habit.

"...grips the sill; the other clenched..." is incorrect use of a semicolon. A semicolon connects two COMPLETE clauses (noun+verb).
Oops... Maybe I misjudged this. When I read it again, I realized that maybe you intend for CLENCHED to be a verb. If so, you are fine.
However, my first reading did not see it that way, so it's a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me.

"...metal slams on metal; their radios crackling..." sounds funny because metal does not have radios. Just my opinion.

"...resigned to her fate; dignified..." is definitely misuse of a semicolon.

"She coaxes a smile from him as she did from Uma and I." This should be "Uma and ME." because it's the object of the preposition FROM.

"His face distorted, twisted..." is a weird construction because the first half lacks a verb, but the second half has IS as a verb. I can't put a name to this error, but it sure is an error!

"Made an example of,..." is a badly dangling preposition.

"...my father owned this plantation..." is past tense amidst present tense. It should be OWNS to be consistent.

"These strangers forced me to leave my home..." confused me. She just gave a history of the plantation, which implies that she has been there since birth. They displaced her to there? I can't figure out what this means.
Oh... Several paragraphs later I see that what I've read so far is backstory. I think. But there was no scene break, so I didn't understand when I read it.

"I still awake.." should be AWAKEN.

"Lakshmi was no longer in Sri Lanka..." is a sudden intrusion of the voice of the author, as well as a sudden switch from present tense to past tense, which I found jarring. Do you really need to switch to narrative mode? And verb tense? I was enjoying her voice.

"... 87 north... 90 West" has inconsistent capitalization.

"...Her parents transported her..." is a disrupting time jump into backstory. I would prefer if you kept it chronological, showing us the transport when it occurs. Just my opinion.



SUMMARY THOUGHTS:

Okay, I hope you don't hate me for all these criticisms. If you were a run-of-the-mill writer, I would give you some bland platitudes (Great story, keep writing) and let it go at that. But you have a great story here, and you appear to be very serious about writing, so I have to be honest in my criticisms so as to help you improve this story.

This chapter was filled with grammar errors. I flagged the most egregious ones, but I left many unnoted. Agents and editors are flooded with submissions, so many that they can afford to look at only those with essentially perfect grammar. I have read and heard interviews with agents and editors who say that if they find even one serious grammar error in the first paragraph or two, they stop reading right there. They can't afford to deal with writers who don't know the basic rules of grammar. Even small electronic publishers, who have much lower overhead than traditional publishers, don't want to have to pay an editor to fix a million mistakes unless the story is outstanding. So my first suggestion is that you deal with these problems:
1) You had comma splices all over the place. I quit mentioning them after the first three or so.
2) You had numerous other comma errors, which I did not mention at all.
3) Sentence fragments are generally allowed in rare instances, primarily in the midst of heavy action to make the reader breathless along with the character. But you used them habitually, which diluted their power and eventually became tiresome.
4) You used semicolons several times, and I think that all but once you used them incorrectly.
5) Several times (I think I flagged just one of them) you began a sentence with a present participial phrase, but the sentence was sequential, not simultaneous.
6) You dangled prepositions several times. I think I flagged only one of them.

My other suggestion is that you reconsider the time order of this chapter. I realize that you want to use her childhood flashback as an opening hook, and it sure is a good one. But the time jumps near the end were jarring to me. First you moved forward in time to the present, having her with her new boyfriend. Then you jumped back into her history that came between the opening and the present. This much jumping about in time disrupted the flow for me. Maybe others will not be bothered by it, but I was.

If I were writing this, I would move steadily forward in time. I would began as you did, which was excellent. But then I would keep on that timeline, covering her flight from her home and her eventual move to the US. I think that this would be more effective. Again, this is just my own personal opinion. Others may disagree.

You have a powerful story here, so I am being super picky on it. Your main character is sympathetic, her plight is gut wrenching, and readers will want to see how she deals with her nightmarish history. I would love to see this tweaked to perfection, because it can go on to be a highly successful novel!

Sandy

I love the credits at the beginning. How thoughtful. I don't think anyone else has done this.

It's a terrible dilemma you open with. I think father's one sentence, though crucial, would not come in quite this way. For realism, tweak how it comes out, whether there's other agonised conversation which your MC hears leading up to the rationale for allowing capture. I can't edit. I'd have to read many more chapters, but everything you do to add drama and pathos will be work well done.

Keep going and the best of luck

Rosalind
Good For Him

I came back for another read as promised and I see that the standard never falters. This really deserves to do well. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Ryan, you did an amazing job and together with Libby, I think I can post chapter one in first person present tense. Nice work.

David - Thanks for the opportunity to swap chapters. Your comments have provided valuable insight and will make my book better. I only hope I was able to return the favor. Lakshmi is a compellign figure with an amazing story. All the best to you as you tell her story.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret

David - Thanks for the opportunity to swap chapters. Your comments have provided valuable insight and will make my book better. I only hope I was able to return the favor. Lakshmi is a compellign figure with an amazing story. All the best to you as you tell her story.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret

Hi,
I backed this a couple of days ago but got caught up in something and just now came back to post a comment.

Second graf could be even simpler. Proposal: " . . . raped throughout the countryside. Fleeing to foreign soil, her family scattered like flamingos chased by dogs."

Fourth graf: The tense changes in the compound sentence structure. The first three grafs are past tense, then you switch to the present. I noticed other readers have commented on the change in tense, also. If you want to change tenses, fine, but you still need smooth transitions. What do you mean, "It began with only two weeks to her seventeenth birthday . . ." ?

What began? The sentence structure implies the weeks before the birthday started something. Obviously, they didn't ; however, something happened DURING this time. What is "IT"?

IT is the beginning of the reasons for the migration. So you're in a flashback, and this would call for the past tense. I think the present tense works in a flashback when someone is under hypnosis, e.g., "Where are you now, David?" "I'm in a dark room, but there's a light in the crack under the door."

The present tense could be used in the first three paragraphs, instead, but that's entirely optional. And it does set the expectation that the tense will be in the present for contemporaneous action. I think the main thing is to be consistent about how you use tenses.

So instead of "It began" . . . just tell us what began.

On the next chapter, we get brief references to Ezekiel, Steve, and Kevin, and talk of a wedding. I think you're about 90 percent done in hooking us to find out how she collected these men, but they disappear abruptly as you flash back again. More work on transitions will help here. Otherwise, it looks like we're being overwhelmed with two many characters showing up all of a sudden.

Time for compliments: Your rich descriptions win the day, especially the passage when she encounters the rat. We truly empathize with why she felt so pressured to become an exotic dancer. This is very credible.

Thanks so much for the opportunity to experience this woman's life. All the best -- Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Sorry to jump in to detailed comments straightaway and sorry for the typos. Only so much editing I can do as I read and take notes over lunchtime.

I like the italicised points of view of the protagonist interspersed with the authorial text. But sometimes they don't work as well. For instance:
'... and disperse to foreign soil: scattered like flamingos chased by dogs.'
Somehow, this addition feels just that bit too self-conscious, as if the author was afraid of introducing own opinions. I would have been quite happy to see it blended with the text.

The first switch in tenses ('It began only two weeks...; a school assignment is...') somehow jolts the reader. Is that the intention? I'll see how that settles in, assuming you use the style again.
(Hmmm... At the end of the segment, we switch back to the past tense. I can see that this is when things calm down and the need for the present tense immediacy is past, but it just doesn't work for me. Present tense all the way through would work nicely, I think. That has the added bonus of delineating the line between the presnt and the flashback, which ironically makes the transition smoother, even though the past is being told in the presnt tense and vice versa.)

You can probably strengthen the prose if you avoid some obvious couplings, such as 'voices shouting', 'her voice whispering' (just 'shouting' or 'whispering' should do).

Fragmentary sentences work really well in the raid scene. I think you could get away with making more us of this technique. For instance:
'A whistle sounds with orders barked.'
could be just as well be
'A whistle. Barked orders.'
(Sorry! I think this is turning into 'How Huseyin would have re-written David's story.')

The present tense adds more of a sense of urgency, too (it was just the tense jolt that got me, earlier, not the use of the present tense).

You could also trim some of the repetitions. For instance, look at the paragraph that starts with 'Two long hours later,...' and cound the 'mother's.
(I like how you depict the mother's consolation tactics at this point, transferring the attention to how beautiful the girls are. Very true to form. And the contrast as Lakshmi shatters the diversion.)

The formula for this sort of writing is to go to town with the descriptions of the village, the house and all the other niggly, little details. The idea is to imbue it with some authenticity and ethnic air, of course. But this is getting really tired. It's also a subtle way of keeping the reader detached from the reality of the environment and the situations depicted (Of course, you don;t know what it's like to be there. It's all bit too exotic to you, isn't it, gentle reader. So, I'll just paint a word picture for you). I like your direct approach. It's there. It's a house. People are trapped, waiting for their tormentors. You know all this, reader, because it is not that far from you.

I also liked the fact that you didn't get hung up on the mechanics of her transfer to NY. Yes, there are tales to be told about these things, but no, they don't belong here. Nice one.


Chapter 2 opens with a repetion of six years and of the difficult trust.
I think you should trust us to remember that stuff.

I think you are introducing a lot of history and background at the beginning of this chapter. After the beautifully told but terrible scene in the previous chapter, this feels almost rushed -- as if you knew you had a lot to say, but wasn't really interested in saying it and got rid of it all in a few paragraphs. I don't know. Just feels rushed.
After that, the scene with the talent scout is nicely told. I think your strength is in describing scenes; I'd really do less of history and more of that. (I guess the comment about the mechanics of her transfer to NY apply here, too. You've avoided over-explaining once. You can do it again.)

Minor: I think you can keep muslin uncapitalised. Otherwise, it looks too much like Muslim misspelt.

Good contrast between her situation and people's assumptions about her.

Italics and contemplation belong to Lakshmi. When Irene steps into the italics territory, she ends up violating Lakshmi's sanctuary. Not good. I don't know how to incorporate her assessment of Lakshmi into the narrative, though, so I can see why you've done it. Still...

I think you spell out the implications of her situation (after the newspaper article) a bit too much. Comes over as not quite patronising but somehow not trusting me enough to work things out for myself.


Far too many people believe that stories like this are the province of people with names like mine. Some kind of post-colonial literary territoriality that's more implied than spoken.
I like it when people outside the perceived boundaries tell stories from the other side.
I think some will say that Lakshmi and her family are a little two dimensional because you haven't added enough of the expected ethnic background. I'd say that they should go and fill in the details themselves. Not every story has to set out the background of everything from scratch.
On the other hand, I did find some of Lakshmi's dilemmas a little too westernised. As she was reading through the article and reflecting on it afterwards and also looking at the Declaration of Independence, there was a sense of an almost western girl trapped in an Indian / Sri Lankan girl's life, which is odd because I didn't get that sense elsewhere. I think those reflectons need some work.

Plug away at it, David. I think you have a gem here -- somehow flawed for now, but I think you have the means to lift it up as you have done in plenty of places in the narrative.

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

I really like the juxtaposition of how Lakshmi was raised against what she becomes forced to do. You handle it gracefully, but manage to keep the punch and even, for a while, the hopelessness that accompanies such a change.
Your writing is fluid, grammar and spelling and fine, and overall, "Uprooted" is a very good and well-written story.

I like the idea of the hero being someone who is strong on the inside - Inner strength...

Literary excellence.

BACKED!

stevew
The Ultimate/The Authors Cut

I loved your book too. I ended up reading it cover to cover. LOL.

As promised. After reading this story from Dave, I just want to say that Uprooted is one of the best written romance novels I have read on Authonomy, and I do not even consider myself an avid fan of romance. In fact it is quite different from a typical romance, and like a good writer - not everything appears as it seems. A young foreign girl finds a new life of opportunity in America and It is filled with details of wonder, relationships, twists and turns that take your breath away. From the batlle zones of Sri Lanka to the hustle and bustle of New York City, Boston, Montreal, and the highways and dance rooms that connect them; The romantic descriptions and dance scenes in the lounges can make any man or woman melt; even the driving and traffic accident scenes are thrilling. Also well described are the thoughts, reflections and motivations of the main characters - often written in incredible details. Although I wondered about the MC Lakshmi's desperation to work at an exotic dance club for survival, her conflicts with her boyfriend and with her family far away who know nothing about her secret job, I must say the MC transcends her problems in a gracious way and it is different from what you might imagine would occur and surpasses it. A well-written romance story for sophisticated readers and was an enjoyment for me to read.
Not only do I hope the story makes it to the Desk, but that it would be recognized and published.
Kirk

A finely crafted, well paced and well written story with just the right amount of foreshadowing at the appropriate times. Your character development is solid, especially with Lakshmi as you explore her personnal turmoils and inner angst, and your use of imagery is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

I do not feel I have the literarry credentials to critize a book, but if an author is willing to bare his/her soul on this site and I read it and like it I will comment on what I think made the book work.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

As promised. After reading this story from Dave, I just want to say that Uprooted is one of the best written romance novels I have read on Authonomy, and I do not even consider myself an avid fan of romance. In fact it is quite different from a typical romance, and like a good writer - not everything appears as it seems. A young foreign girl finds a new life of opportunity in America and It is filled with details of wonder, relationships, twists and turns that take your breath away. From the batlle zones of Sri Lanka to the hustle and bustle of New York City, Boston, Montreal, and the highways and dance rooms that connect them; The romantic descriptions and dance scenes in the lounges can make any man or woman melt; even the driving and traffic accident scenes are thrilling. Also well described are the thoughts, reflections and motivations of the main characters - often written in incredible details. Although I wondered about the MC Lakshmi's desperation to work at an exotic dance club for survival, her conflicts with her boyfriend and with her family far away who know nothing about her secret job, I must say the MC transcends her problems in a gracious way and it is different from what you might imagine would occur and surpasses it. A well-written romance story for sophisticated readers and was an enjoyment for me to read.
Not only do I hope the story makes it to the Desk, but that it would be recognized and published.
Kirk

David ;: Thank you for taking the trouble to advise me on the Authonomy procedure. I think I have at last got my mind round it !

I have had a look at a few chapters of your book and must admit I am a little puzzled. You mention a multiplicity of editors, yet the text seems to lack what I would regard as an editor's touch. I have been an editor of one kind or another most of my life and am something of a purist when it comes to prose, which may be a fault. So I will not go into detail, but could offer one simple example : Riesling is certainly produced from grapes grown on the Rhine, but the Rhine is in Germany, not France and riesling is a quintessentially German wine. Perhaps this arises as a result of an embarras de richesse.

I visited Sri Lanka as a journalist many years ago and was overwhelmed by the beauty of the country and the gentleness of the people. Reading much later in the British press of the Tamil conflict I was greatly saddened. Your attempt to reduce the situation there to one introductory chapter does not do justice to a terrible conflict in a land that was responsible for Serendity. What happened was not so much terrorism as a revoluntionary war fought by Tamils many of them from India trying to establish an autonomous homeland against a peace-loving Buddhist government.

There are problems in the UK and Europe generally with the need to assimulate immigrants, particularly those with Moslem traditions. In chapter 2 I saw the possibility that you might be dealing with the difficulties encountered by a young female expatriate in such an environment and this is a theme to be welcomed. But I seemed to lose sight of this in the chapters I read and without reading the rest of the book I am unable to tell whether or not it is fulfilled. I refrain, therefore, from further comment, except to say that there is certainly scope for such a story and I hope you find a way to tell it.

Leslie Rocker, Adam's Apple

Hi David,

This has a very John Steinbeckish feel to it man... bad moon is gonna rise eventually. Very well written as far as I could tell. There were a few typos I think-- chp 2 there was-- grabb em --shouldn't be only one b?
And there was the bit with Trish going over the rules with Lakshmi near the end... the last item, shouldn't there be an "and?"
And when talking about animals... you used caps on Monkey. Monkey isn't a proper noun. Unless it's a monkey named Monkey.
Right above here... you're a Goddess... paid homage to. Is that to simply as a preposition or 'too?"
Anyway, little things. I'm still picking them out of my stuff too.
Interesting story, good narrative, and you have good dialogue too. That's important to me, the banter between the characters--does it sound real-- and yours does. Can't help but feel bad things gonna happen to Lakshmi.

Regards,
Keith

David, Very desciptive and well written, you had me tearing up in just the first chapter. Backed! With Love, John

[MY DEAR AUTHONOMY AUTHORS,
ESPECIALLY THOSE IDIOTS WHO BLIND BACK. IT IS COMMENTS SUCH AS THESE YOU SHOULD ALL BE SCOURING THE SITE FOR AND THEN GOING TO THAT PERSON'S BOOK, READING WITH EQUAL ENTHUSIASIM AND COMMENTING WITH THE SAME LEVEL OF CARE AND PERCEPTION. I IMPLORE YOU TO GO TO HER SITE. READ A CHAPTER OF HER BOOK. OFFER CRITICAL COMMNENT AND BEG AND PLEAD FOR HER TO READ YOUR STORY AND TELL YOU HOW TO IMPROVE IT. IF YOU DO NOT, YOU HAVE LOST AN OPPORTUNITY THAT 1,000 BLIND BACKINGS WOULD NEVER YIELD - YOU POOR LOST MISGUIDED SOULS. BY THE WAY...SHE NEVER BACKED MY BOOK AND I STILL OW HER A DEEP DEBT OF THANKS.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO COMMENT -- CARRY-ON!.] David J.Gibson (Foretuneight)
I think teaming up with other writers is a great idea. Each have a quality that can be applied to make the MS much cleaner when it comes to submitting. What you have now seems highly polished in many areas, but I'm just wondering if there's a mixture of styles going on here and I'd be a little careful.

I’ve made some notes as I read through the first chapter. I’ll be honest I had to read some things again as it got a little wordy in places, but here are my thoughts on the second read.

Do you think ... With cold hands joined, they find their mother... would sound better?

She gently sponged the evidence of her convictions away. The caking blood from the gashes on his face and body and felt the tears roll down her cheek.

These two sentences should be separated by a semi colon or a dash as the second sentence doesn’t make sense as a standalone. Also I think it should be cheek(s)?

This bit doesn’t seem right to me...

Six years later, thousands of miles away, she would still awake in cold sweats calling out for her father.
Forever wiping the mud from his face, cutting away his blood-soaked clothes after he struggled, arriving on the porch in pieces.

This is the problem I have with present tense stories. They are limiting and hard not to trip up over minor things.

For a start, if she is still in the present, it should read, in six years time. (shouldn’t it?) But how does she know what she will be doing in six years time? I mean for sure? Why six years? Maybe this will become clear in later chapters. But I think this needs addressing. It’s a stopper.
Maybe move this down to after she moved to New York, then it makes more sense.

Hope this helps.

Of course, they are just the opinion of one reader, please feel free to dismiss anything you don’t agree with. Everyone sees something differently. I may well be totally wrong.
Very poetic.

The writing is very crisp and clean. The story jumps right into the action, and you're already developing the MC. I like stories that give flashbacks and show how the characters have developed. Good luck

Sean

So far I have only read the first chapter, but I would encourage people to read this book. This chapter is haunting and terrifying, throwing the reader directly into an unfamiliar culture, where threat and danger lurks. I will certainly be back to read more. Ben