Book Jacket

 

rank 5459
word count 20624
date submitted 28.01.2010
date updated 30.01.2010
genres: Fiction, Romance, Young Adult
classification: moderate
incomplete

Broken Mirror

Angel - Leigh Jones

Will Trish end up broken or will she strive forward even after finding out her whole life is a lie.

 

Trish was a normal teenager with an annoying over protective older brother and a mother that didn't quite understand her. Throw in a guy that she can't have, a best friend with problems of her own, her fathers marriage to a girl a few years older than her, playboy Zeph and you have a receipe for disaster. And to top it all off - after everything else - she finds out her entire life is a lie. How do you manage to keep going when everything is falling apart.

 
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tags

broken, family, high school, lost, teenager

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6 comments

 

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Prologue

Trish's breath came out in short bursts as she slammed her fist against the dorm room door. It shuttered in response, but didn't open. For ten minutes she'd been trying to unlock the door, and it refused to yield to her authority. What’s a girl to do but take out her extreme frustration on the poor unsuspecting piece of wood.

"Stupid lock! Why won't you open! Come on, this has gotta be what? The thirtieth time! Come on!" People passed her, giving her odd looks as she muttered to herself. How did things change so quickly? She had been in high spirits that morning. Now she wished that she'd had the foresight to roll over, block the world out with her covers, and go back to sleep.

Trish suddenly slumped forward against the door, deflated and defeated."Why did it have to happen to me?" she asked herself. The forlorn tone of her voice caused people to pause in their steps, but no one but no one stopped. Her blood started to boil and she slammed her palm into the cherry blockade. It was borderline criminal to have the only door in this expensive school that wouldn't open.

Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, she threw her arms up in the air and screamed at the top of her lungs, "What did I do that was so wrong?"

Spinning around, her eyes shot silver daggers at anyone who dared to stare at her during her tirade. People in the hall shrank quickly into their dorm rooms, hoping to avoid a confrontation. The sound of slamming doors and locks latching swirled down the hallway like a ghost whistling a gloomy tune. Studiously oblivious, she thrust the key into the lock once more, turned it, and jiggled it a little.

"Finally," she breathed as the door swung open. Bending down, she grabbed her books and strolled inside, wishing she could throw the stupid things away.

"What is that smell?" she growled as she thrust her leg out to kick the door closed behind her. She tossed her books on top of her desk, beside the neatly compiled pens and papers; a rush of stale air blowing some of the latter onto the floor.

Leaning over, she attempted to yank the window open, but it wouldn't budge. "Shit!" she yelled, stomping her feet. "Why doesn't anything work in this dump of a room?"

She knew she was being melodramatic and she hated the fact that she was doing exactly what she despised in others. A flash of anger roared through her veins like a tidal wave. Her hand instinctively stretched out, grabbing the first object she saw. Without a second thought, she wrenched her eyes shut and hurled her mom's favourite vase at the mirror with all her strength.

An eerie cracking noise echoed around the room, growing louder by the second. She covered her ears to block out the sound, but she still could hear it through the gaps in her fingers. She had the urge to run, but her legs refused to budge. She was immobilized as broken pieces of porcelain and mirror showered on her like a rain forest downpour.

The silence after the storm was deafening. Her rapid breathing was the only sound filling the room as she stood there with her eyes closed; avoiding the wreckage she had inflicted.

Open your eyes Trish!

No, I won't I don't want to see my pathetic image. I'm ugly! And I won't look!

Things change Trish.

I don't want things to change! I want everything to be like it was before.

I don't want to be here. I want to go back.

It took a few minutes before she finally gained the courage to open her eyes. She briefly noted that the ugly, gold-painted vase looked better in pieces than it had ever looked sitting on the coffee table. Sighing, she sank down amongst the fragments, bleak thoughts floating to the surface of her mind.

My entire life is a lie. I'm exactly like this mirror, fragmented and broken.

I'm broken.

....

 

Chapters

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minx2minx wrote 644 days ago

Hi Angel - Leigh...started reading and got to chapter four. I've read your comments and can only say...this works for me. I like the way it's writen as I just need to know what happens next...and then what happens after that. I'm going to read the rest after my shift tomorrow (unfortunately working 0800-2200) so will be a late read. In the mean time...you are backed with pleasure. Lizzie Scott :-)

Bradley Wind wrote 814 days ago

Angel,
Let me know if I can help out with a cover for your book.
http://authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=24987
Pitches: Short=good. Long=could use a bit of bulking up. and possibly cut into a few short punchy paragraphs.
Text: I think you prologue works for its length...and I'm on the fence about prologue use but you might give this a read...

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html

Sometimes the use of dreams in books can get on my nerves but I liked yours.
I can see the YA audience really enjoying this. I think you might consider taking another look at your first chapter and see where some thinning might be done...it felt long...especially for YA books. but I believe you have solid writing skills and definitely something worth refining here!
Best of luck to you!
-=Bradley

T.L Tyson wrote 843 days ago

I think this would appeal to the YA crowd and I am backing it for that reason.
I think this does need work but you do a wonderful job in drawing Trish. There is some repeatition with the plot and words used within the narrative but I think an edit will clear these up. I think the premise is engaging enough to pull the reader along. I am really not a fan of dream sequences but I did think yours furthered your story.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Pia wrote 843 days ago

Angel,

Broken Mirror - re: Trish's confusion and fear, I'd try an experiment. Write the prologue and the dream sequences from inside the actual experience of the character, in first person, and see what happens. I found the description stretches the melodrama to a point where it distances me from Trish's pain, which I'm sure is not what you intend. Later on the narrating voice works, when the brother comes on the scene. Just a thought. The premise has much potential. Keep at it. Beginnings are every writer's huge challenge. Wishing you well.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Raymond Nickford wrote 845 days ago

Having read the opening two chapters of Broken Mirror Trish grew on me as a sympathetic character, 'She knew she was being melodramatic and she hated the fact that she was doing exactly what she despised in others' and she held back on troubling Matt with her 'bad dreams'.
I wanted to read on, always with one question at the back of my mind which was, indeed, the question you pose in your short pitch: 'Will Trish end up broken or will she strive forward even after finding out her whole life is a lie?
You manage to maintain the tension of the first chapter even within the dream that you produce in the second chapter and this, together with an ear for real conversation in your dialogue kept me engaged. Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Mairi Graham wrote 845 days ago

Trish is convincingly written and her life and its regular complications well presented. She holds our interest while the little glimpses into her dream world and some secret about her life intimated in the prologue gather force and make it all more compelling. There are a few problems with word choice - you use the word stroll more than once, for instance, and it isn’t a good choice. To stroll is to walk at a relaxed or leisurely pace. Not what’s going on here. You might take the time to consider such things when you go back and edit. The broken mirror metaphor works very well in the prologue but seems out of place in the long pitch. Something more personal or concrete would be better. It's trish and her life we're interested in, not some metaphor about Trish's life. Good luck with this. I've put it on my shelf.

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