Our Fathers

Marissa,
I read everything you posted.
This is a very effective romance-cum-detective story. It has the gritty, mysterious atmosphere of a 19th century British detective story combined with the manneristic victorian romance. You show the two extremes very well. I think this is very successful and a fun read. I give this high stars, and it is certainly worthy of a spin on my shelf at a future shuffle.
Hook an plot: I found the start of this full of good, mysterious ambiance. It made me very curious. You very effectively bring out the discomfort that Scarlet feels at being in this part of town and the deep curiosity of wanting to find out the truth behind her father's demise. I think that the juxtaposition alone was effective, and made me want to read on. I did have a bit of a hard time understanding why now, of all times, she became interested, but you cover this issue effectively. After this, plot develops around the two stories of Scarlet refusing a husband and the two looking for clues as to their fathers' demise. The first story is rather classic and unsurprising, but fits the paradigm well. The second one is what makes the read interesting. I did find their searches in the apartment a bit frustrating for their lack of conclusiveness. The few clues that they find are so frustratingly unhelpful that I wound up a bit unnerved myself. Although I realise that this is partially the point, I think that you could do with giving us a bit more satisfaction from time to time. For instance, I was not sure what the point was with the mattress. Did she bring it back in just to use in a later romantic scene? What about the book he was holding, whose spine he hid?
Character Development- I think Scarlet is developed very well, because we get the chance to see her in so many settings. She is a very well rounded character. Colby is rather more sketchy. You may want him that way, but his heavy drinking makes a bit of a shield of his real character. I found the mother and the maid particularly well painted, while the suitors seemed almost caricatures. This is not surprising, however- I find that it is often the case in romance that this happens to the male characters.
Ambiance- I think this is very good in most of the book, but in chapter five it gets a bit skim, especially at the end, when she shows up at the police station and sees Colby, without any description being given to how she entered the building or what the cell looked like.
So, I think that this is going in a good direction. The changes I see necessary are relatively small, and are mostly in ambience and description at the end of the section, and a few more clues in the middle. The romantic tension between Colby and Scarlet, an union which is clearly forbidden, is well done.
Here are some notes as I read.
1
Nice development of Scarlet. Corset is a nice touch.
Ch 2
Shone directly through window.
The missing.
Breathing deep
Deeply
Colby is good
How did he get back in if it's booby trapped?
3
Henry Casandra.
5
She pulled the book of the shelf.
Should be off
For steeping near her
Recommend description of jail cell as she comes to get him.

Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Hi Marissa,
I’m here for our read swap. Below are my comments/findings. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth. Feel free to disregard what you don’t agree with.
I would parse out the first sentence of your long pitch. It gets a little winded, which is counterproductive for the goal of a pitch.
You’ve already used the adjective “dusty” in the short pitch. Consider something else.
Otherwise, great pitches!
Chapter One
Great opening-line hook!
Just a small, nitpicky thing that you can totally ignore if you don’t agree, but I wonder if that second sentence would read better as “It was her own fault, which she reminded herself of with every step.”
“to guide her feet” I’d drop feet. The address is guiding her and she’s guiding her feet.
Is “airy” the word you mean? It means nonchalant. She sounds like she ought to be frantic. Maybe I’m misreading the character, but I thought I’d note it.
“Unfortunately, they neglected to pass her by in peace.” You’ve already alluded to this by calling it the jostling river of pedestrians. For better characterization, delete this line and jump right into “Elbows, hips and baskets knocked against Miss Black.” (end sentence there. “Without a word of apology does not work, as elbows and hips can’t apologize. Plus, it’s implied that it’s rude. The apology is an unnecessary semantic in getting your point across)
Delete “around her” Its’ wordy.
“They were focused on their own paths, which is precisely what Scarlet desired.” She desired their paths?
“They followed her” First, you can drop “her.” Second, you haven’t established that she’s left, only that she looked away, so they can’t be following her yet. Maybe they’re just approaching, or maybe she begins to walk away and then they follow.
This is a great start to the story. I love the subtle accents in the dialogue. Some may not be a fan of that approach, but I think you pull it off well. The dialogue is good at carrying the story, too. I also really like your narrative voice. I’m already drawn into the MC simply by your voice.
My biggest suggestion is to watch the wordiness. While the writing is clean and polished and the storytelling is solid, you sometimes over explain things or add words that are unnecessary. For instance, Miss Black’s reaction to her surroundings as well as how the crowd of men peers at her is enough to tell me that she’s out of place there. Yet, you then tell the reader in different ways that she’s out of place (“odd sight of a formally dressed woman walking on her own”—formally dressed calls for a hyphen, btw). This kind of thing isn’t necessary. You’ve already painted such a vivid picture.
Great stuff. Highly starred. I can see this doing well here.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Your descriptions in this book are very vivid to the reader.
All that I read flowed really well.
It is a bit weird that your book has bold letters in places.
Otherwise things are done well.
I like the cover.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please, when you have time, take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Our Fathers.
Marissa Priest.

Hi Marissa,
I have read and backed your book before, a long time ago.
I'm pleased that I came across it again.
It's been edited quite a lot now and is much sharper and better for it.
You are an acomplished writer I must say. Great stuff, well done.
Pleased to 'star rate' your book.

Kind regards,

Neville The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

Dear Marissa

I have read the first three chapters of "Our Fathers" and have enjoyed the sense of place that you convey here. Your characters are well observed and the details of their lives are engaging.

It might help readers on Authonomy if you would consider uploading your story in an easier font, a sans serif font, like Tahoma or Ariel, which has fewer corners and edges to crowd the space.

Though your allusions to "Gone With The Wind" are endearing, I have to admit that I find the combination of names, Scarlett Black and Redd a little too unlikely to be convincing. Perhaps Lettice, Edith or Elizabeth...

I am a little confused by the social placing of the story. If the household without a father is able to afford a butler, mother would probably be scandalised, unlikely to allow her daughter to wander around unescorted. Scarlett would be in disgrace. Similarly, it is unlikely that mamma would ever yell up the stairs to summon the help. She would either send another maid or ring a bell.

If the household was financially down on its luck, as seems likely given the absence of a father, there would probably be no butler, though the household might be able to afford a maid and a cook, and Scarlet would be likely to have more freedom, both to make visits alone, and to boss her mother around. The social restrictions that money would in all likelihood pay for, would be loosened.

A small point - when Scarlet and Colby are out walking, it is most unlikely that she would have to slow down to allow him to keep pace. Probably the other way round! Her corsets and skirts make walking much slower.

Also, give your MS a good combing for repetition and if in doubt about a phrase, you can probably leave it out. Reading aloud will help you decide.

I am glad I found your book today. You have a convincing, even amusing style which you have worked hard on. Your MS is clean, well presented and articulate. I wish you all the best.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

To start out, I am loving your story and I want to help you as much as I can. It may take a few posts or comments so stay with me. In the first paragraph I noticed your first three sentences use the verb "was." Action verbs are a good tool to use for suspenseful, mysterious and dramatic moments. It also helps paint a brighter picture in the reader's mind. The first two sentences are good (just make the comma between "fault" and "she" into a semicolon). The reason why I am focusing hard on the opening lines is because this is the time when you must grab the reader's attention. Continuing...The third sentence might sound more vivid if you replaced "was" with an action verb. "She continued walking..." for example. The next sentence begins with "She." I point this out because using the same word to start following sentences can sound strange or look unprofessional (in my personal opinion). Sometimes it helps to reinstate the person's name, such as "Scarlet Black" though I do not think in this case it is necessary to change it (just for future reference). My last comment is about the city you are in. You speak of a city, then a street name. Where am I? Still a very good start. I am enjoying it.

The sentence talking about the passerby's neglection feels odd to me. I think it can be reworded differently.

"flat against a shop window"; "leaving her abandoned in the crowd." (no "s" I believe) The following sentence may sound better with the words arranged as so... "Swatting away the drooping elongated feathers from her hat, she tried to read her directions though the smeared numbers and words could not guide her." ------just a suggestion.

Love the following paragraph. It shows so much emotion, personality and description of Scarlet's world. Though I do notice you have used the word "passing" a lot up to the fifth paragraph.

One might want to change the order of the first and second sentence of paragraph four.

"That, however, was an impossibility." Comma after "that"
"Crumpling up the paper and shoving it into her coat pocket, she hoped answers would be found at one hundred and seven Checker Street." You use the verb "returned" and it sounded off to me. Sentence could use rewording.

I think I will stop there for now and return later on. I hope my suggestions help. I love the dialogue, sounds real and inviting, and the writing is superb. High stars and I hope to help more in the future.

Read through chapter three.
Your story idea is great! Both the MC Scarlet and her new friend, Colby have things to overcome in different areas. These plot points, combined with all the other twists and turns a mystery includes, make for a great read.
One thing I'd advise.
Some of your sentences read a little awkward. I felt like you wrote "Scarlet" way too many times and it took away from the rhythm of the words. Many of your sentences begin in the same way, causing a disjointed feeling in the narrative.
I'd advise you to read it aloud, maybe to a trusted friend, and think about the cadence and rhythm of the story. The sentences need to be varied, not all the same.
I've already recommended this to someone in the forum! I like the playfulness with the words, "black" and "red." Scarlet is determined, defying her mother, society, but keeping true to the love she has in her heart for her father. She has something to teach Colby.
Good luck with this!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I love your descriptive voice. Even tho I've never been to Bath, or of course lived in that era, I could see it clearly. Great job! I like the tone, and the atmosphere. You know how to use a descriptive verb or noun so that you only have to use your adjectives/adverbs sparingly. Your writing flows easily for the reader.

Great job so far! I'm putting you in myWL, and giving you high stars!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I really enjoyed what I read here so far. There is definitely an air of Sherlock Holmes going on here - in a very good way - the voice and style reminds me very much of his work.

My only criticism, because the writing was consistently good and grammatically sound, is that I was unsure about the time period of the novel until about the 5th or 6th chapter when she mentions her boots and attire. Perhaps a simple date at the top of the page would help clarify that?

Like I said, really good stuff here. I'd definitely read on.

All the best,

Rena

Hello Marissa,

I’ve just read the first chapter and have jotted down a few thoughts, mainly based on Victorian novels I’ve read, I’m no expert myself. I’ve just finished a Wilkie Collins and I’m still immersed in Victoriana!

I liked the description of the dirty streets, the noise and the mud, and you evoke very well the dilema of a young woman out on the streets on her own. I did wonder though if Scarlett, who is from a relatively comfortable background would not have taken a cab to cross Bath, especially if she was going to the slummy areas. I’m not sure ‘ladies’ did much walking around on their own.
Also, if Mr Redd is a scruffy poverty-stricken character he wouldn’t be living in a house by himself but sharing a squalid tenement.
I found Scarlett’s return home slightly confusing, her relationship with her mother was odd, and even more so with the maid. Usually maids were pretty invisible and Patty is rather familiar with the young mistress. I suspect a mystery here, as if Patty is not just an ordinary servant. I also put animals in my stories and liked the touch of Johnny the cat, but I found that he distracted me from what Patty was doing. I’m convinced she’s up to something, with Scarlett’s connivance I suspect.
I don’t read modern thrillers (I have trouble with plots – stupidity no doubt) but I love Victorian thrillers, hence the Wilkie Collins. I’ll carry on with this and keep you up to date with my thoughts.
Have a great New Year
Jane

Marissa,

I'm here for our readswap!! I am engrossed already! I had to stop myself from reading all 5 chapters. I've finished chapter one and so far, I'm really intrigued by Scarlet and her family. I like the idea of an almost Sherlock Holmes story between Mr. Black and Mr. Redd. So far, I dont really have a good idea of who Scarlet is, but that doesn't bother me since it is the first chapter. I wonder about her dynamic with Pattie and why she thinks her father hated her cat, Johnny.

I think you have set up a good first chapter that sets the tone and mood of the whole story very well while alos creating enough suspense to hook the reader! I know I definitely want to read more!

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Hi Marissa

I don't know how this got on my watchlist, but here it is. Perhaps it's because I was born in Bath. Anyway, my notes I write as I go, so some questions may be answered a bit later in the text, but I think it's still good to know what the reader will be thinking as they go:

Going home is an 'impossibility'? I think 'wasn't an option' (arguably a cliche) or something along those lines might be better, unless you literally mean it's impossible because it's a pile of rubble now or something!

'she returned to moving towards the answers...' - this is a little bit awkward

The paragraph 'She strode with as much purpose [...] until she reached Checker Street.' seems to repeat itself a few times. As far as I can tell, it doesn't actually do so, but it does seem like it somehow.

'The mumbers one hundred and seven' - are you saying '100 and 7' or '107'... I think I'd call the latter 'number', singular.

'oncoming traffic of horse(-)drawn carriages...' - I'd say either 'traffic' or 'horse-drawn carriages', not both.

If she is that nervous about what she's about to find, would she really stop to inspect her dress?

'He(,) however, already guessed...'

'...these people for even a second, that is...until recently' - I think a semi-colon or fullstop would work better than a comma.

She locked the door; how did Pattie walk in?

'why we HAD to wear so much'?

I'd like a hot bath now :(

I like Scarlett, although the way she acted with the cat was quite a departure from how she is portrayed up until that point. It is well written, seemingly in keeping with the time, but without annoying, hard to fathom terms and overly complicated writing that often comes with such a date. There's not much else I can say, but I think it will do well. I like the premise a lot, and I may come back to read more at some point. I'll back it :)

I think sci fi probably isn't your kind of genre, but I'd appreciate a comment on my own book, too, if you have a chance. Thanks :)

Marissa,

I read through chapter three and right away I was impressed with the determined voice of Scarlet, the “sense- around” descriptions, and your obvious expert knowledge of 19th century living. Your story moves along seamlessly. The only place that made me stutter a bit was the end of the first chapter. I thought maybe too much attention was given to the cat and bath. I wanted to continue with the plot. I love Colby’s character and am looking forward to him warming to the idea of helping Scarlet and maybe even finding some healing for his sad soul.

I really like all the secret compartments and hidden stashes… That’s what good dreams and stories are made of----and of course, the possibility of romance.

By the end of chapter three I felt thoroughly committed to reading the entire book. You did a great job hooking me. There were just a few easy fixes you might want to make:

In the second chapter with the paragraph starting, “We are going to have to clean and organize this place.” I believe “feel” should be “fell.”

The in the next paragraph, the sentence that states, “Muttering, Colby pulled out (of) a stack of papers he was sitting on” is a little awkward.

In the third chapter paragraph beginning, “It’s unwise for a lady such as myself…” I think the “has” should be “had” - It was obvious Colby has (had) no desire to accompany… and then the last sentence in that paragraph is not quite right.

And the paragraph beginning, “Brandy, ” Mrs. Black replied.” In the next sentence “Scarlet stopped at (and) stared down at her mother…”

Farther down “Most of her youth was spend (spent) locked away.” Actually that whole sentence is not quite right.

“Well I’m not like every woman,” she retorted. She has (had) the strongest urge…”

All in all, I believe Our Father’s is a promising start to an intriguing novel. Highly starred. I’ll be back to read the final two chapters and to comment again soon.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Dear Marissa,

Your writing has the feel of a period film. I loved it. Your passion for the genre is quite evident and you seem to have researched well in trying to recreate the England of 1880s. Well done. Your descriptions are atmospheric, drawing me instantly into the busy but strangely bleak streets of Bath. I was able to SEE through Scarlet’s eyes. The authentic dialogue was an added boon.

As the story progressed, I kept feeling that I was reading one of Sir Arthur’s immortal creations (I’m a huge fan of the gaunt faced, pipe smoking bohemian, btw.) Maybe, it was the reference to Baker Street or the name ‘Scarlet’ (?), I don’t know really, but I found myself warming up to the story.

By the end of chapter 1, I got the distinct impression that this has all the makings of an ‘unputdownable’ mystery novel, although you’ve not categorised it as such. I’ll keep coming back to it to see where it’s headed. My rating for now: 6 stars (Definitely!)

Please allow me a few nitpicks.
- Try not to repeat the character names too often
- A few of the sentences are a tad too long and wordy. You can easily break them into two without losing the voice and intensity
- You can try naming a few of the magazines in Colby’s room, to throw some more light on his character which is otherwise quite well developed
- You’ve devoted a lot of text to the part where Scarlet returns home, confronts her mother and finally ends up in the bath. It’s all very well written, once again showcasing your thorough research into the customs of that period. It also says a few things about Scarlet. But I have just one concern. Being the opening chapter, it’s better if you end it on a different note, something less routine and ordinary.

So that’s it for now. Hope you find my views useful. Happy writing.

Best regards,
AGC

Interesting idea and great details. You create a suspense throughout and it draws the readers in. I will definitely recommend this to a few people. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Interesting. A little compelling.
Your characters are dynamic and feel real to the readers.
Your setting is great.
The writing style is both simple and extraordinary. Clearly well-written and has had some time spent on it.
The dialogue is interesting and the reader's feel as if they are in the scene.
Overall, I like what I have seen and will be back for more. It is a great start for a decent book, and is captivating.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi Marissa,
Sorry it's taken me a while to get around to reading, but my WL is very long.
I've read the first two chapters and can see that you're a solid writer who knows how to describe a scene well as I was sucked into the 19th century very quickly.
The premise is good and the narrative has great promise. From the way you've written these 2 chapters, it looks as though your plot will thicken as time goes on, each chapter raising a new mystery. I like that.
However, I felt like the begining of the book needed a bit of...suspence. Maybe an opening chapter allowing the reader to witness Redd and Blacks death, really bringing them into the story.
I think that crime/mystery fans will love this tale - the grime of 19th century England brings and great sense of dark mystery.
I wish you the best of luck.
Jake
To Rise an

I really like this, and think the whole set up is orignal. I am looking forward to reading more. One small thing - there are a few anachronisms which do grate a bit and would be worth checking throguh. For example 'sorry ass', which is both modern and American; and 'conflicted'; and a couple of others. I don't mean to be pedantic, and it would be crazy to try to be too exact, but little things like that do have an effect. I really hope you don't mind my mentioning them.

The comedy is great and the general sense of good humour lovely; yet the puzzle is looking intriguing. I will read through more carefully over the next few days. When will you be putting more up?

I really like this, and think the whole set up is orignal. I am looking forward to reading more. One small thing - there are a few anachronisms which do grate a bit and would be worth checking throguh. For example 'sorry ass', which is both modern and American; and 'conflicted'; and a couple of others. I don't mean to be pedantic, and it would be crazy to try to be too exact, but little things like that do have an effect. I really hope you don't mind my mentioning them.

The comedy is great and the general sense of good humour lovely; yet the puzzle is looking intriguing. I will read through more carefully over the next few days. When will you be putting more up?

I read three chaps and I was thrilled with what I read. Such a story of its own! I love the characters, the setting, the voice and tone of the story...it's lovely. I did find a few errors, like "waist" when you meant "wrist". And I found some of the cat sequences a bit drawn on, but all of it is quaint and winning. I love it! You have shaped out this world for us well and fully. And Scarlet--I love her character. And Colby. So interesting! I have to say one of his defining impressions is when he in shock ask if she was one of his mistresses. Ha! It was so funny and humor always wins with me. I did think that in the beginning, when she blows the feather out of her face, the beginning of the sentence wasn't necessary. We know she wants to see clearly, we can judge from her actions alone. But again, beautiful story with tremendous potential. You make sure this hits the shelves. And you tell me when it does! I'll back when I have the room, and I'm giving six stars.
I wish you the best of luck!

--Shieldmaiden

I've always enjoyed this time period so naturally, I enjoyed reading the first chapter. As many people have already pointed out, it has a Sherlock Holmes type of feel which is very fun. One thing you have is very well defined characters. I'm allergic to cats and reading about Johnny I almost sneezed as if I was in the room with him.

The only critique I is more about formatting than story. Might be a good idea to put your dialogue on its own separate line and then continue on with description just because it helps shrink up your paragraphs and I can visually see how much dialogue is in the chapter, as opposed to it being camouflaged within the description like it is now.

Other than that your beginning and ending were strong in hooking me in and I look forward to reading more later. I wish you luck on getting to the Editors Desk. I think they'd really enjoy this one.

Hi Marissa,

I’m finally getting the opportunity to check out your novel. So sorry it’s taken me this long.

Love the pitches, though they do get a bit wordy in parts. Might consider condensing to just the hooks, shedding unnecessary back story when appropriate.

I read the first couple chapters. I love the premise and the storyline. The characters are well-done, too. You have a mind for description and you’re on the right track, but I think some scrubs are in order to smooth out the unnecessary words and wordiness in sentences. For instance:
--“she reminded herself of” cut “of”
--“She remained astray from her path” is sort of already assumed by the rest of that paragraph.
--“When she glanced down at the paper, she squinted” Just “She squinted at the paper.” Would suffice

Also, I’m not fond of that last line in the first paragraph. It’s not clear. I think you mean that the only thing she knows is that she’s disoriented, but that doesn’t really tell us much of what’s going on, and it’s unnecessarily word. You can just say that she’s disoriented.

Good stuff! High stars for sure. Good luck with this.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Some very nice work, I like the characters, and despite me not being particularly a fan of the period, I couldn't stop reading and was wishing for more at the end.

When I can post it on my bookshelf it's going up.

This is a delightful start to your historical mystery novel. The period detail is spot on and the atmosphere just right. The only thing is I was surprised she had 'train' on a day dress (perhaps 'hem' might be more appropriate and I Felt that she repeated herself a bit with the vendor - asking his twice about Chester Street. I also felt that Colby's immediate reference to sex was far too modern for a Victorian novel. It might have been better to have just had him ask if she was from 'The Hog's Head' and leave the implication dangling, although I suspect that she does not look a bit like a whore. Anyway, well done. Highly starred and backed.
Susanna
'The Missing Heiress'

Hi,
I've not much to add to what's below, though I'll just mention that if you're talking about 'trousers' you probably want to refer to 'braces' not 'suspenders' (which in British English hold up stockings!)

It's a good read.

Thanks for backing A Priest's Tale ;)

Lindsay

I've read the opening chapter of your novel and see that you've made a good effort creating a sense of the time period. There is much period detail and also some nice touches for the other senses besides sight. You might think a bit about sounds- rattle of passing carriages. But overall a nice job. The premise is interesting, a male and female team to make a kind of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Very good and appealing. Though the personalities are definitely different. I do like that you made Redd a bit eccentric and dissheveled and the sense of primness that I get from her that underlies her assertive nature makes a good foil for him. You have the backstory unfold over a few scenes which is good. You don't want to dump it in all at once. I'm wondering why it's taken her ten years to get this far and can only assume she wasn't old enough before to do much.

There are a few things I thought to suggest to you for your consideration. I am a bit concerned at the title Red and Black. The French novel, The Red and the Black by Stendahl is iconic and from roughly the same time period and examines class snobbery, etc. This might do your own novel a disservice in since it's not a parody or pastishe of it agents, etc. might be put off. You might just consider re-titling it. Titles should have something concrete but also a unique selling point of the novel. Maybe something like The Detective Legacy - A Scarlett and Colby Mystery. Only a suggestion, I just wouldn't want it to be dismissed out of hand.

You also might consider looking a bit closer at your opening section where there is some repetition and awkward phrasing. Later on it really flows well and the story pace is good. In the second paragraph where she's trying to make out the address you have many sentences for that action that could be tightened up into one or two and improve the pace. Something like "With an airy sigh she stepped out from the river of pedestrians and leaned against the wall to re-examine the paper containing the address. She gave a brief swat to the hat feather that obscured her view but the address was still unreadable." I didn't use blurred because you already used it in the opening paragraph.

Further down there is another area you might look at again when she has the wind whipping around. You talk about the wind for several sentences and really a brief mention will do. "The winter wind whipped at her cloak and hat, loosening the pins in her hair. You've established the time period and the wind in one sentence. No need to over do it with the bustle, etc. You can bustle her up for a later time if you want.

Another element I thought I would mention is to do with class and fashion. You have Colby wondering if she was some whore with child. Now this would work if he were joking with her (and it would work well so you could establish her primness). He would never in reality mistake her for a whore because they would dress entirely differently than she would. So all it would mean is to delete the relief on his face and replace it with a twinkle and later a laugh, or something.

Later on you do mention that she searched the room when she's home, presumably looking for the cat. Instead of saying "she searched the room." Show it by saying she lifted the skirt of the sofa cover, looked behind chairs. That gives much more action and is less vague and we can get the idea she's looking for a cat and not searching desks and behind cushions for bottles (I thought maybe ma was an alcoholic for a moment) or letters or whatever.

This is a really good idea though with strong characters. I've enjoyed what I read so far and hope to read on soon. Kristin

Marissa,

I read 3 of the posted chapters and I have now a good image of what your wrting and your plot is about.

I think you have the ability to describe a scene following it closely from the POV of your characters. This had a very positive impact on me when the scene was about Scarlet and Colby (awesome names, the noir atmosphere is right there). They make an interesting couple, and I couldn't help my smirking all the time -as Colby couldn't help his too, hahahaha.

They are both solid and fully fleshed and enjoyed every moment reading about them.

This was not the case with the scenes in Scarlet's home, however. The first one -the second half of chapter 1- is a scene where you seem to be trying to offer me insight on Scarlet's father and her life in general introducing characters that are used in other chapters as well. I would suggest to consider shortening the whole scene. Keep the facts as they are (most of all Johnny...he is a fine addition) but -and it's the first time I'm saying this- I felt it would be better if you *told* me about it all instead of *showing*? It felt a bit long for the information offered.

I'm a plot driven reader (and writer) and I like things to-the-point. Your story has it's plot introduced in the first chapter, whic made me feel at ease. That is the only reason I am commenting on the second half of the 1st chapter. If that makes sense to you that's fine, if not discard it...

The second chapter went by in a flash. Again enjoyable, the right amount of description and that awkward chemistry between your lead characters. I have nothing to say here, and hope that it will go on like this...

The third chapter started with the scene on the road, which -again- I enjoyed smirking all along. But then I entered Scarlet's home again and things slowed down again. I felt I wanted to stop, despite the fact that an arranged marriage was mentioned - a prolific idea. Again, however, I wish you had chosen the way of telling everything till the dialogue...

I can see you are a gifted writer as your imaging flows like the pictures on the big screen and your atmosphere bore the feeling of a classic noir film. I would have enjoyed a faster pace, but that's just me. :)

You deserve the 6stars, only to prove to you that if it wasn't for that pace of yours, I would have read it all and asked for more.

Yannis

OKAY THOUGHTS IN CAPITALS...
    Miss Scarlet Black was lost. It was her own fault though, a fact she was fully aware of. SHAKY LINE...I RESUME THE OWN FAULT IS HER POINT OF VIEW SO THE FULLY AWARE CLAUSE JUST APPEARS A TAD REDUNDANT. She was walking through the network of tight streets with only a blurry address written on a wrinkled scrap of paper. She left her house guaranteed to get lost at some point in this unfamiliar territory.
OKAY YOU'VE ESTABLISHED THE SITUATION WELL BUT THE “WAS WALKING” FOLLOWED BY “SHE LEFT” CREATES A CONFUSION OF TENSES. ALL IN ALL A WEE BIT OF A MESS BUT NOT ENOUGH TO STOP ME GOING ON.
    “Baker Street? No. Decker Avenue? No, that is not it either,” she spoke softly to herself while peering at the streets surrounding her. TOO MUCH EXPLANATION...HOW ABOUT TELLING US WHAT SHE SEES INSTEAD OF THE FACT THAT SHE SEES IT? With an airy sigh, NO!!! I HATE SIGHING Scarlet stopped walking so she could look at the paper a second time. She stepped back to remove herself from the river of pedestrians while flattening the folded paper out with a finger. One of the feathers from her hat flopped down so she swatted it away in order to read clearly. The smeared numbers and words, now fresh in her eyes, still could not guide her in the right direction. More than anything else, she needed directions through the gray city of Bath. BATH? I THOUGHT BAKER STREET WAS...OH NEVER MIND. THE SENTENCE BEGINNING “THE SMEARED NUMBERS” SEEMS ILL DEVISED.
    “Excuse me, but do you know where I could find one hundred and seven Chester Street?” Scarlet turned to a passing street vendor. After refusing to buy any of the little man’s wares, she attempted to show him the bit of paper in her gloved hand. “Can you please point me in the direction of Chester Street?” she asked him once more. Only after intensely looking over her neatly dressed form did he speak. She felt uncomfortable under his beady eyes, but did not budge.
OKAY I CAN SEE YOU ARE GOING FOR THAT 19TH CENTURY THING BUT I THINK ANY SELF RESPECTING DICKENS OR WILKIE COLLINS WOULD HAVE GOT IN A BIT MORE THAN “LITTLE” AND “BEADY EYES”...I WANT A NOSE WITH RIPE SPOT, A MOTHEATEN SCARF AND MAYBE A SINGLE TOOTH IN A COLLAPSED MOUTH. OR SOMETHING.
    “There ain’t any Chester ‘round here. If ya looking for Checker Street, that’s one more over,” he answered in a gruff voice. With Scarlet not providing him any business, he hurried away to pursue those with money smoldering in their pockets. SMOLDERING? AMERICAN SPELLING, I NOTE. 'M NOT CONVINCE MONEY SMOLDERING IN THE POCKET IS SUFFICIENTLY THE CENTURY BEFORE LAST..ALMOST AN ANACHRONISM?
    “Thank you,” Scarlet called out before he vanished behind the flocks of people. When she glanced down at the paper, she squinted. Indeed, the address very well could be Checker Street, instead of Chester. She could barely recall writing it down. At the time her mind was filled with more distracting thoughts; they danced around in her head to remind her tauntingly of her search. Looking up at the cloudy sky, she pondered what to do now. The vender probably knew this area of the city much better, so Scarlet decided to trust his directions. There were not many other options left that did not include turning around and heading home. That however, was an impossibility. Crumpling up the paper and shoving it in her coat pocket, she returned to moving towards the answers at one hundred and seven Checker Street.
OKAY I VERY MUCH WANT TO LIKE THIS AS YOU BACKED MY BOOK AND IT IS MY SORT OF SUBJECT MATTER AND THERE IS A LOT TO LIKE ABOUT THE GUSTO YOU APPROACH IT WITH. BUT I THINK WE SHOULD EITHER GET ON WITH IT OR INVEST IT WITH SOME MENACE. AT THE MOMENT WE ARE MOVING TOO SLOWLY.
She strode with purpose I'VE READ SUCH A LINE SOMEWHERE RECENTLY ON AUTHONOMY. MAYBE SHE COULD STRIDE WITHOUT PURPOSE (I'M NOT SURE HOW), BUT MAYBE SHE COULD STRIDE WITH AS MUCH PURPOSE AS SHE MUSTER, TO GIVE US THAT HINT THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE BEING LOST, BUT SHE WILL BE DAMNED IF SHE WILL SHOW IT , moving swiftly despite the bulk of her light blue dress A BIT MORE EVOCATIVE COLOUR AND MAYBE SOME PERIOD DETAIL? . As she moved, the HER? bustle swished back and forth and her black boots clacked sharply on the cold [hard CUT?] street. Strong winter winds forcefully pushed at her as they whipped around the street corners. [She felt it pressing THEY PRESSED] against her black hat, and SHE was thankful for the pins securing it against her tightly curled hair. With each step, she pushed against the wind. While Scarlet felt propelled by the sounds of her venture, they barely stood out against the resounding din of the street. Everything around her was brisk and sharp, from the calls of old friends meeting each other to the angry shouts of intersecting cabbies. Scarlet was not accustomed to such a ruckus, but still rapidly moved herself through it. Stepping around shallow puddles from last night’s storm, Scarlet did not let her momentum falter. Even when the other pedestrians bustled INTERESTING ECHO OF THE BUSTLE SHE IS WEARING. RISKY DISTRACTION THOUGH past and knocked into her without a word of apology, she kept walking until she reached Checker Street. 
After gazing up THIS IS A STRANGE CLAUSE, LIKE A SUMMARY OF JUST ONE ACTION. AFTER GAZING AT SEVERAL, PERHAPS, OR SHE GAZED UP AT ONE at the row of lofty brick houses, she turned right. She could see the numbers one hundred and seven across the street. Scarlet darted towards her destination. Avoiding the oncoming traffic of horse drawn carriages and slime of the streets involved a great deal of maneuvering, yet only a few drops of dark rainwater hit Scarlet’s blue dress. With one hand, she held up as much of the train as she could and held down her black hat with the other. Once she arrived at the doorstep, she stopped to inspect the damage. The tiny dark marks stood out against the rich pink trim of her dress, but Scarlet knew they could be removed with the care of her maid that night. She dismissed the worry and smoothed out the fabric around her waist. All her thoughts now centered on what lay behind the door in front of her. Her heart beat against her ribcage, [eager for her great discovery to unleash its benefits. EH?]
I'VE GOT A FEELING YOU SHOULD SKIP HER BEING LOST UNLESS SHE CAN DO SOMETHING TO SHOW HER CHARACTER TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. THE STORY BEGINS WITH AN ARRIAVAL, WHY PREVARICATE?
    Retrieving the slip of paper for the last time, Scarlet shifted her eyes between the crumpled thing clenched in her gloved hand and the gold numbered plate to make sure they matched. She had indeed found the place. Giving her curled head a little shake WAS THE LITTLE SHAKE SIMULTANEOUS WITH ALL FOUR KNOCKS? OR DID SHE IN FACT GIVE HER HEAD A SHAKE AND THEN SMITE THE DOOR? , Scarlet knocked on the door four times. Then, taking a step backwards, she waited. To her extreme displeasure, nothing happened. Licking her lips, she knocked again, a tad [bit CUT] stronger this time. The silence inside the house continued. Now pursing her lips, AFTER LICKING THEM Scarlet began knocking BANGING? THUMPING? RAPPING? viciously. Finally, there was a crash from inside, a series of low thumps, and then the door opened.
    “What do you want?” a raggedy man AH! I LIKE RAGGEDY MEN asked her as he peered around [his front THE] door. Scarlet was silent with distress as she took in his disheveled appearance. The moment the door opened, her nose was flooded with an array of foul odors, dominated by the stink of sweat and alcohol. That alone created a desire to leave at once, yet it was just the first of his visible flaws to come to her attention. The man’s dirty blond hair was a tangled mess, with some locks sticking straight up and others matted against his head. Suspenders hung down from his waistband. His eyes were bloodshot with great bags underneath them. From that and the wrinkles all over his trousers and half-unbuttoned shirt, Scarlet assumed she woke her host from his afternoon nap. The stern frown confirmed it. “Have we met?” he asked her with a yawn. 
    “You see, it’s rather complicated. I’m-” Scarlet began her introduction, but was interrupted by the man stumbling forward with a shocked expression.
    “Are you from the Hog’s Head? Did I sleep with you?” he asked her with wide eyes. Taken aback, Scarlet had half a mind to slap him and leave at once.
    “Heavens no! I would never-”
    “Thank the lord. Thought you were another girl coming to tell me you were pregnant and I’m the father,” he laughed hoarsely, but his face showed immense relief. Still, Scarlet was stunned and could find no response for the man. She could not get over hearing him say “another”. Seeming to ignore this continued silence on her part, the man stepped aside. “Come in,” he spoke slowly, eyeing Scarlet for a second time. Giving him a short nod, Scarlet quickly stepped inside. Following behind her, the man quickly patted down his mangy hair in order to appear presentable for her. It was not helping him very much. His clothes were still half undone, and he didn’t appear to notice. She stopped in the front hall, waiting for him to introduce himself and offer to take her coat. The latter would have been difficult as Scarlet saw the there was no place to hang it. His were allowed to fall in a pile on the floor. It was uncomfortable, but Scarlet kept her coat on. Instead of speaking, he motioned with his other hand to show Scarlet the path into the main room. She timidly walked forward, her head filling with implausible fears that the ramshackled interior would collapse from the echo of her footsteps.
OKAY. START CUTTING ADVERBS (TIMIDLY WALKED? CAN WE FIND A BETTER VERB?) AND LOOK AGAIN AT THE INFO DUMP THAT FOLLOWS. THIS IS AND INTERESTING HEROINE AND HERO AND AN INTERESTING SETTING AND SITUATION...MAYBE YOU NEED TO DO SOME PLOTTING AND COME UP WITH WAYS THE MEETING COULD BE MORE DRAMATIC, THEY COULD BE THROWN TOGETHER AND FORCED TO WORK TOGETHER. MUCH OF THE WRITING SEEMS CLUMSY TO ME.
BUT...I THINK YOU WILL GET THERE. THERE'S A SORT OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THE CHARACTERS AND THE SUBJECT THAT COMMUNICATES ITSELF. KEEP GOING.

I would prefer to think that Scarlet Black name has come from Stendhal – the first realist after decades of gothic romance. With her co-MC, ‘Le Rouge et le Noir’ have significant literary precedents to go with their Victorian detective fathers of the potline. Interesting to see if the authors admiration of Collins (the Moonstone was the first detective novel, its Sergeant Cuff, the first literary detective) and Conan Doyle is reflected in the style.
As you start, Scarlet’s detective abilities don’t seem great – she has difficulty finding the house she is looking for. I think you could quicken the opening pace of the tale. Some editing would get her to the door of 107 Checker Street more quickly. When the door opens the story takes off. Your descriptions of people are top class, the mystery as to why this ‘proper’ young lady is visiting this raggedy man is enough in itself to propel us forward. I was surprised when he announced he was the other MC. Perhaps you should give us a hint by slipping in that he is youthful as well as raggedy as he opens the door.
The premise is evolving and it is very strong. These two are quite opposite in character as well as name and I guess their fathers were too. The dialogue between the pair could be improved by cutting slightly. No need for ‘strongly’ and ‘instantly’ and many other of the words ending in ‘y’ as they converse together. I would also be careful to let us know exactly what we need to know to keep us hooked and following the plot. Don’t overburden the reader with information.
The sequence with Colby is intriguing. These are two characters I could root for in their forthcoming adventure. As soon as Scarlet gets home the pace slows. Pattie, Mrs Black and Johnny the cat are all well drawn but there is too much detail here. It is as if we need to know every movement Scarlet makes and we surely don’t. You are excellent at setting a scene describing her outfit etc. The whole thing is very authentic and still would be if you cut some of it.Will read on.

You have a gem here,. liked the first chapter, but some minor editing would greatly benefit this. In few instances you mixed the tenses. You're writing in the past tense, right? So when it is something that happened in the past for Scarlet you should use past perfect. For instance your second last sentence begining with "Her father brought him home one day..." S/B Her father had brought him home one day, then had refused to acknowledge the cat. Oh, try not to use but then together, you can use then perceeded with comma, because you should use and then, however if you put comma in front and is implied. Also, you may want to search your ms for all could see, feel, and so on. These are telling. Replace with she saw, heard and so on. This will quicken the pace. The biggie here is too much back story right at the start, You may want to revisit this. The rule is no back story for the first three chapters, but I think that would be hard to acheive, without at least a thought from your character on how he or she got here. Anyways, good luck in your edits and journey to ED. Best.

This is a great story.
I loved the small mention of Baker street because it added a great old fashioned detective feel, and put me in mind of Sherlock Holmes and all the other wonderful books from this era.
Another thing that stood out was the name 'Scarlet' Black. I wondered if you got her name from Cluedo - another who dunnit.(Miss Scarlet)
But it seems to me that you have your story all worked out, and as far as detective stories go this one has my undivided attention.
Well written, with excellent dialogue and strong characters.
6 stars
Junetee(Four Corners)

I like how you start off with Miss Scarlet Black lost. It builds tension right away and sets the ton, great character development and a chance for us readers to interact with what she does or what happens.

The idea that the name could be Checker instead of Chester is just the things I like. It’s the small ideas that writers come up with that get me involved in the story. This seemed VERY probable and real. It seems like something simple and easy to come up with but really it’s not and writers struggle with putting things/mistakes/or whatever into their story.

It’s hard to critique this. Your writing works. It plants a clear image in my head without blurring it with too much description and it flows nicely. A good example of a great image is when Mr Redd came closer to look at the black cord around her wrist. Again, seems simple, but most writers don’t go into detailed action that helps know where people are and what they are doing.

I just can’t get how I am so intrigued by the beginning that has a woman searching all over the streets for this place. If I had read that this is about a girl lost and couldn’t find her way, I wouldn’t have read it. But it’s beacuse of how she stands out and the writing is written so well that I enjoyed it. I felt like I was lost with her. In my head, I was telling myself go that way, no go this way . . .

Something that usually I don’t like is when people judge other’s by their appearances and demeanor. Just like Scarlet did with the raggedy man. But it’s true and it’s real. And because of that it made Scarlet more real and likeable.

By the way, you are REALLY funny. That little interaction between her and Colby Redd with two ‘d’s.

What a sad ending to the chap. Did you really have to end it like that? :) So sad. Now I think I might just have to go lay in bed and mope and think of sad things. well, 6 stars for sure. I LOVED it. Maybe split the chap in two chaps but it’s good as is. Just wanted to mention it. Definitely coming back when I finish catching up on my reading.

Our Fathers--A Black and Redd Mystery

Title: a small point but one I noticed, your title says black and red yet your pitches immediately say red and black. I would keep it straight. Most advertising works by simple repetition so I would match it up for max impact.

Short pitch: can you include the adjective ‘detective..’ without making it too long.

Long pitch: It rambles about. Pitches should not be discursive. For e.g. the stuff about finding the lost key is just the start of a story but the pitch is about selling that story to a reader. So, you can just go straight to R & B (heh heh) deciding. Similarly the pitch is not the place to start examining motivations and so on, leave that to the story itself. The second paragraph exemplifies this; all that stuff about wrinkled papers blah blah, you don’t need it. Short, sharp, effective is the formula. And you don’t think ‘scarlet black’ is over doing the colour matching thing do you? And, other than the cover, there is nothing quickly evident that gives the historical time frame of the piece.

C1: The story starts out well and I found I was interested enough to want to know what was going on and what she had found and would find next. My feeling though is that this needs editing (again). You have a tendency to over-specify things and provide too many detailed but, ultimately, irrelevant details. This is reflected in your language. Don’t worry this is an easily fixed problem. It really only needs the editor’s knife rather than the challenge of re-writing. For e.g.: ‘Without waiting Scarlet darted…’ you really don’t need the ‘without waiting..’ do you? The rest of the sentence stands perfectly well alone, you save words, you tighten up expression. And again: ‘a tad bit stronger’ the word ‘bit’ is redundant there.

Overall a story that draws the reader in. Clues, hints and a couple of interesting characters that one is prepared to follow on the adventures promised.

Your writing is raw and real. I love the description of the crumpled paper with the address she can't red. Scarlet is shaping up to be a great character too. She has a distinct voice for her age group. Loved it. 5 stars and on my watch list. Hope you get a chance to check out Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket!

Best,

Ashley

Marissa -

Our Fathers - The darker worlds beneath the islands of Victorian social scenes, is where Scarlet's curiousity stirs up some disturbing truths. The writing is compelling. This promises to be an intriguing mystery, The stage set. I started reading, I knew, I knew, ha, ha, remember I loved this, and welcomed you here over a year ago. Back now to refresh my comment and give this great story its due stars for now :) Pia

This is excellent. Other than a few typos, the writing was polished and professional. I love the storyline. Are you going to load any more chapters here? I really REALLY want to read the rest.

Brilliant story and wonderful writing. I enjoyed it. Best wishes

Cheers,

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Dear Marissa,

It was just a quick read but I liked what I saw. There were a couple of sequence transitions that seemed a little jerky but then I hadn't yet had time to adjust to your writing style. I'm sure I will as I go on. Thanks for introducing your book and yourself to me. It was pleasant meeting both.
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark & Troll Tales

Interesting story. The writing feels polished, but I think it's a little overwritten. This slows the pace.

eg1 "with a light sigh" A sigh is light, so you don't need the qualifier.
eg2 "he utterly vanished" similar problem. How can somebody partially vanish?
eg3 "she walked with a purposeful gait" in this sort of instance, I think a stronger verb would do the job more clearly. My suggestion would be something like "she strode"

On the whole, I think you've done a good job with your book. I just think it would be so much better with the overwritten bits smoothed out. I'm happy to give your book a good rating. I just think it needs a bit of work.

Best of luck with it. :)

Pete

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created most memorable main characters in Scarlet and Colby. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I can't imagine how I have missed this before. Its just the sort of story I love to read. Backed with pleasure, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Our Fathers--A Black and Redd Mystery
Marissa Priest

I like the theme which drives this - the quest for truth. Unusual storyline and an interesting read, well written in my opinion. Happy to have backed this.

Hi Marissa, Colby and Scarlet are very interesting characters. You have describe them well. I like your bookand I BACK IT! Harold Alvin (ICON)Wesley I hope you have an opportunity to look at mine and comment. Thanks

This is a book I would love to curl up with on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I love the name Scarlett Black, and wish you well for this is a very enjoyable read.

Jacqui
Once Upon a Blue Moon

I think the relationship between the characters is good and they spark off each other well.

I thought the opening with her walking through the streets was a bit on the long side considering the ground you covered. Her losing her hat would have been more meaningful if th ehat had some specific relevance to her or to the story.

I'm not too sure about when this is set but I would imagine some time ago but the way Colby spoke about sleeping with women felt unconvincing.

When she says Red and he says no, Redd, how can he tell how she's spelling it from how she says it? In any case, since she knows her father worked with this guy's father wouldn't she know how his name was spelled?

When they get into the office I felt liek something more intresting should have happened, maybe set off a trap or found some surprise. After building it uo having her just clean up a messy room (even though stuff will probably turn up) felt a bit of an anti-climax.

Overall you have an interesting set up but I found the pace a bit slow and the opening a bit uneventful. I do think it has potential though. Backed.

i like the writing in this first chapter- the dialogue unfolds the story.
I would take the word 'either' out of the first line and it makes it more effective.
Well done.
a zoomer

this is a brilliant farcical story which I read with sheer joy. I simply love the setting, the characters and the plot. Really well done and I shall come back to this for more to read. You should proof read chapter one in the first half as there are a few typos and a sentence the wrong way around. If you can't find them, give me a nudge and I will point them out.

Backed
Bagpuss

Our Fathers

There are a number of thing that impressed me about this book, however I think it was your style and how you structured your sensory descriptions that made this a good read for me. I think your characterisation is good, I could (in my head) hear the different voices of Colby and Scarlet. This is a very enjoyable book.

Marissa, I enjoyed your first chapter. Your dialogue is also quite natural, as compared to that of other writers on this site. Good job overall.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Enjoyable to read this, backed. Hope you'll look at mine.