The Pashtun Fixer

Paul,
You're good at creating atmosphere, and being accurate with good dialogue. Most readers expect novels like this to have a major dramatic event in the opening chapter, which yours is missing.
David

Paul,
Since you wrote about Afghanistan you might be interested in mine. Here's the description ...

America needs a hero in Afghanistan. At the beginning of the war our mission was so clear-cut. And that’s how it remains in this “emergency relief thriller.”

When terrorist forces abduct his Tajik fiancée and elderly American colleague along the Afghanistan/Tajikistan border on 9/11, Derek Szymanski faces Islamic terrorists, heroin smugglers, corrupt Russian soldiers, worthless CIA agents, and Iranian spies in a perilous effort to rescue them. On this dangerous adventure, Derek, an ex-Notre Dame football star, witnesses and experiences an assortment of terrible cruelties that culminate in his own kidnapping and beating.

Meanwhile, terrorists are using bodies of released hostages to import dirty bomb materiel to America. Osama bin Laden stated he wants to acquire cesium-137 powder, a byproduct from the Soviet Union's first nuclear plant which still operates in Tajikistan, for the world's first suicide dirty bomb. But is al-Qaeda involved in these kidnappings? Or another terrorist group? Can they be stopped in time?

THE RIVER PANJ explores the worlds and work of two vastly different societies: emergency relief teams who sacrifice their peace of mind and sometimes their lives to offer assistance to the citizens of the war-ravaged regions, and the murderous terrorists who operate among them.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/28760/the-river-panj/

Thanks,
David Raterman

Good pitch, grabbing story line.
The first few chapters better be spotless or agent will turn it down.
First paragraph: use commas after room and kids.
Good narration, doing the “showing.”
You deliver a good blend of ‘show” and “tell” and the dialogues is right for the genre.
There are some long narration paragraphs…maybe some internal dialogue would help in better developing your character and move the story at a brisker pace.
Only had time to read up to 7. I think you’ve got a good story and you tell it well.
The voice is real enough and fits the genre.
If I find the time I will return for more.
Backing it for now.
Good luck.
Dan
PS. Could you pls look at mine? Comment/backing will be appreciated.

Dear Paul


I would like to commend you on the skill you have and the imagination and the talent in writing this work of art
of yours. I wish I had half of your talent. Where does one get such original work like this, such a gift. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Dear Paul, I love that you put me right there in your story to feel what your characters were feeling. :) Even though the weren't doing right, I still felt sad for them. ;( That means you did a good write, drawing the emotions out. :) You pitch was so excellent so I was prepared for the read & suspense, even intrigue to the end. :) Tight dialogue & paragraphs made for a smooth read. :) I'm backing your book :) - hope you'll take am moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Paul, nice one, mate.
Backed for its reality as well as its fiction.
All the best,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

The Pashtun Fixer.

Simpson to Adie, Afghanistan, the Pashtuns, the US Army and journalists are attention grabbing ingredients that make for a topical novel. The illusion and reality of Pashtun tradition is as finely juxtaposed as that of North India in MM Kaye’s “Zemindar”.

Background, décor and locale are convincingly drawn by the authoritative narration and rich, yet efficient prose.

Hovering or lurking, anguish and cynicism remain in focus.

The characters are authentic, and their development well managed in the two chapters.

Superb one-liners like “there will be a lot of news soon … one big rifle association” reveal a pithy insight and good penmanship.

Some things you could take a look at: punctuation; typos like woman and women; nething etc.

Backed, and look forward to more.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

Paul, your work reads smoothly. Well written.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Dear Paul A Johnson,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The protagonist’s rejection by the singer builds sympathy. “Allah cannot see you in Dubai” is an eye-opening and entirely believable justification. Using punchy sentences that flow, you describe Matt’s pathetic night out. You go at a good clip here, and I sense you describe only as much as he remembers, drawing me into the narrative. I also wish to see Matt come to something better than this. I believe a word is missing in “How much had given her?” The flack jackets and untraceable cash and bullet holes in buildings all ramp up the tension. I grinned at the choice of “the chicken or the meat”. I’m also curious why Matt was suspended. Captain Tewksbury has character depth with his “no-no’s”.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your pitches even more exciting. Your current short pitch is too general for me to connect with emotionally. Instead, try something like your line “reporter Matt Allison has one last chance to save his career with an assignment covering the war in Afghanistan's violent Kandahar province”. In your long pitch, you can create paragraphs by doing a hard return, hitting the space key, and doing another hard return. I lost focus after the sentence “how much of it is real?” If the latter information is key, integrate it with the earlier tension. The cliffhanger should come last.

Pitch aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed, and best wishes.

Bloody brilliant! My only niggle is that you need to cut down the posted chapters as to not overwhelm the reader. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my latter chapters when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You have done your homework on this one. I'd drop the copyright notice in the front. We are all copyrighted and displaying it like that is not done. I like this story you have going for you, and I'll gladly back it. Dave

Paul,
Your cover is good, but you might consider using a light gray or white font on the cover to make it a bit easier to see.
Pitches: Short=looks good, and sounds very timely. long=you might consider chopping this into several punchy short paragraphs instead of one big one...easier to read that way. other than that it sounds promising.
Text: Gah, you need to break this into the paragraphs, save as individual documents and upload as appropriate chapters...reading like that with all the scrolling is somewhat difficult...don't want to annoy those agents trying to read this :)
Had to go look at your profile because this is a great thriller and wondered if you'd actually had experience over there...then took a look at your links and made me wonder even more...looks like you may have been if you filmed any of that Slang TV stuff...and wonder if we'd been in any film fests together....although my work, when showing, tended to be shown in more...underground festivals. i.e. Microcinefest (Balt.), etc.
Best of luck with your book!!
-=Bradley

Hi Paul

I was intrigued by your pitch, and I was not left disappointed. Your writing style is very good, keeping it fasted paced, with the plot thickening.

Shelved
Helena
A Load of Rubbish

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

The Pashtun Fixer is a classic thriller - fast moving, plenty of action, complex plot and strong characters. This is a fine piece of writing for the genre, and I enjoyed the way you weave the threads together against a spectacular background of Kandahar which I know little about and found fascinating. Your other world of military culture and Afghan chicanery is vividly painted too, and in the end I had to tear myself away. Great to see another good thriller on the site - I'll back this with great pleasure.

Pul, I like your style. My kind of read. Full of foreign intrigue with a vivid sense of place. All the small details you sprinkle in makes this particularly interesting. I'd shorten the longer paragraphs so as not to dissuade today's short attention spans from reading. Very good. Backed.
Thomas J Winton
"Beyond Nostalgia"

I immediately liked the presence of this with it's full characters that have their high's and low's balanced out with expertise in the field. Didn't get to read quite all of it, and it's not even my kind of book, but, damn, I think it moves well and has the depth needed to succeed.

all the best, glad to back
Fate's Chastening

Terrific story. Excellent thriller technique. I enjoyed it all.
Seems like you've really been there and understood a lot.
I was pleasantly surprised to find a real good book, expecting some
CIA funded nonsense.
Lots of luck with it..........Mikell The Free