West of Laredo

Your writing is hard hitting, authoritative and gripping. I've read up to chapter 21 but run out of time and will come back later. Its life in the jungle of vice and corruption where unsung heroes do there best to make a difference when all the odds are against them succeeding. For that reason, I guess, your story concentrates on the action and the intrigue. I think one or two of the characters, especially Lee Penny, deserve a bit of filing out. Lee is blonde, attractive and in her early twenties (I think) who has dog named J.O. But the quality of writing is second to none in other respects. You skilfully capture the readers attention from the start, the tension constantly building with the impending war between the Zetas and Tacos. I could feel the heat and taste the dust of Nuevo Laredo. Your book is one of the best I've read on the site. Briliant and will definately buy your book when it hits the stores. Backed 150 percent!
Laurence,
The Cross of Goa

I found myself so engrossed in the story, not so much for the story itself but for the lifestyle that I imagine exists for someone like Lee.
Your attention to detail is fabulous and truly appreciated. This is the kind of story where a reader as myself could feel completely lost, but I feel in safe hands with you and trust you won't assume I know anything.
Wonderful!
Backed,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Tom, re you plea for honesty, you have to allow for the fact that you've written a great story in a professional style. But I'm going to look for some areas where you might just improve it. First though, the positives, 'Lee thinks Tweety is a Mexican god', made me smile. Your main characters, Trey and Lee, come across as solid, intelligent individuals, and the setting of the diplomatic services is so counter-intuitive that it reeks of expertise. This is a gripping story with hooks at the end of each chapter so far, and the writing is crisp and clear. So, it definitely gets my backing, and I would buy it.

Feel free to use or ignore any of the following suggestions:

I'm not sure the final paragraph of chapter 1 really adds anything essential, and actually distracts from the more impressive next-to-last paragraph.

'Every Saturday, Lee comes downstairs...' this sentence has problems ... it's too tangled ... is she wearing the tiles on her feet and carrying three different objects in two hands?

I'd cut back on that first bit of Spanish ... just have the first line then modify 'Penny starts explaining that she is indeed up earlier than usual'. Anyone who can't speak Spanish skips that bit anyway. As well to find a way of dealing with the Spanish elsewhere such as '"Yes," he confirmed in Spanish'.

Is "Boys Town" and "Disneyland" the same place? If so, you only need to say so the once, then just use one name.

'better to her then [than] Perrier'.

'She decides to let it go' begins a series of sentences all starting 'She'.

Consider limiting the points-of-view to just the main protagonists. I found it disconcerting to be suddenly and briefly in the mind of the gardener and then the prisoner.

Hope that helps.

Tom, this is a stunner. The premise is excellent, the location is one that we can see clearly through your writing.

The pacing is fast, the detail clearly coming from an insider or someone that has done a huge amount of research.

Either way...this has a stark ring of truth connected to it. Which makes it even more chilling.

I have placed this on my Watch list and it will be backed and on my shelf later today, OZ time.

Bravo.
Suzannah Burke.

This is a gripping story. Pleasingly visual. Crisp dialogue. Vivid characters. Realistic emotional friction. Riveting pacing. Relentless tension. Well thought out, intriguing storyline. Spellbinding writing. A highly enjoyable read. Backed.

No time to read the complete book right now but from the first few chapters I can see that you tell a good story and tell it well. You might be amused by The Ambassador's last Post, which is more like the foreign service I knew.

Best wishes Philip John

This story in an interesting glimpse into the world at the border. I think what makes it good reading is your knowledge of the situation there.
Some of the writing may need some improvement (sentence structure, format and those other boring details). Also in the begining you switch back and forth calling the main character Penny or Lee or both. That can be kind of distracting.
I don't know if it's different in Mexico, but here in Panama 'here' is 'aqui' (accent over the 'i' but can't do that on here) not 'acqui.' Just an FYI
With some revision I think you'll do great. Best of luck to you!

Backed,
Christa W.
The Vulning of the Pelican

Brilliant stuff, fast paced but still meaty! Maggie P.

I like the smooth, professional style of your writing and I'd like to emulate that somehow in Leaving Goshen. and the people doing your critiques are long ones. That's what I'd like to have for my book.

Good clean prose, interesting subject matter presented convincingly.

The line: That kind of tit for tat is not allowed
felt unnecessary, sort of stating the obvious. I would cut it or rephrase it to sound like his voice, i.e. even though it's obvioius, the way he says it speaks to his attitude. If his attitude happens to be straighttalking say it how it is, the problem is there's no way to differentiate that from mindlessly repetitive in this particualr context. Depends on his character, but did jump out at me a bit.

"You must have been in the Ops Center when they spun up the anti-terror response team." Lee says.
should be:
"You must have been in the OPs Center when they spun up the anti-terror response team," Lee says.
a comma not a period should separate the dialogue from the tag.

Jose laughed/ Lee headed...
Present tense is fine but it needs to be consistent. The above lines switched to past tense. You need to watch out for that.

Overall it's a good piece, interesting and readable. Best of luck with it. Happy to back.

regards
mood

Tom,
I think the setting for your novel is timely, hence interesting. And I like it that the officer is a woman involved in some very unsavory diplomatic snafus. I'm not crazy about your writing style which I found, at times, difficult to follow, usually because you tend to jump around a bit (Chapt. 2) and don't always provide sufficient context within which to understand Lee's position or the organization that she works for. But the fact that the novel is based on a horrific event you were actually involved in lends gravitas to it. So, that trumps my own personal preferences for style.
Backed.
Denise

I do like the writing here--one of the best styles I've read so far on Authonomy. Backed!

read the first chapter and enjoyed it alot, well done
backed

alison

Caramba! Has visto a Mejico pero no a los sitios amables!

Con mucho gusto! Callaghan

OK OK. When I fix it, I'll tone down the Spanish. Every word is made clear in the English that follows, but that is not explicit and it should be. What else? Oh yea, Thanks! Great comments and very helpful. With so many readers with such great comments, I feel like I've reached a few people with this book. You can't ask for more.

Solid writing to go along with this page-turner of a story. Love the description of Marker in jail.
If I had more time, I´d read all...
Susan
Flirting in Spanish

This has to be backed. I always like an easy read, which is also gripping. Also love any strory that centers around immigration/ foriegn office and the like.
A few comments though: The spanish is a bit much and I had to skip it, tone it down a bit perhaps or maybe insert some English into the sentence.

Cheers
Abi

backed with pleasure

alison

West of Laredo:

Love the quick pace of your good, confident writing, which just needs the slightest tweaking here and there; however, it kept me glued to the screen through the first and second chapters.

I like both Trey and Lee, and wish I had time to read more.

Will add this to my shelf.

Cáit :o)

Hi Tom,

The openning chapter sets up the rest of your book perfectly - I especially like the almost stacatto style of writing. Your character development is excellent with just the right amount of foreshadowing in the openning chapters. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is highly polished, reminding me of John Grisham. Pretty scary stuff and when I read this genre I always feel ovewhelmed by the amount I don't know and could never write about. I'd have to read on in a good light with friendly voices outside!

Good Wishes

Lara (Good for Him)

What can I say? I kept on clicking on the next chapter arrow and that has not happened for a while. Too often, and not just on authonomy. the writing gets in the way of the story and my interest vanishes. The story is important, but no more so than the writing. You have scored on both for me. I wish you success...
Happily backed.

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

West of Laredo

I think your opening creates a fantastic bed of intrigue, so right for this type of novel.
I think the internal voice starts a good slightly cynical/sinister feel (and I’m not one normally for first person), and then you shift.
This has a feel of authenticity and pulls the reader along so well. I like the return of the inner voice it really adds something to this. – Good luck

Your writing is hard hitting, authoritative and gripping. I've read up to chapter 21 but run out of time and will come back later. Its life in the jungle of vice and corruption where unsung heroes do there best to make a difference when all the odds are against them succeeding. For that reason, I guess, your story concentrates on the action and the intrigue. I think one or two of the characters, especially Lee Penny, deserve a bit of filing out. Lee is blonde, attractive and in her early twenties (I think) who has dog named J.O. But the quality of writing is second to none in other respects. You skilfully capture the readers attention from the start, the tension constantly building with the impending war between the Zetas and Tacos. I could feel the heat and taste the dust of Nuevo Laredo. Your book is one of the best I've read on the site. Briliant and will definately buy your book when it hits the stores. Backed 150 percent!
Laurence,
The Cross of Goa

Andale guero! Another book on Mexico - enjoyed the first few chapters and hope to read more soon. I too am writing about Mexico in Down Mexico Way

Hi
You weave a great story. Just a couple of things... A couple turn around to watch Lee walk away... Which couple? How does Lee know this? Who's POV are we in here anyway. E.g. This is like a gun that is loaded. The reader waits for the gun to go off some time soon. If it's not significant, then I think the couple can go. It's near the closing of the chapter and for that reason, it tends to stick in the reader's mind as if it's signifiant.
Otherwise no problems. Great writing. Tight prose. It's a story I would love to read to the end if I only had time. I will try to come back and do that.
Shelved.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
Cheers Olga / Lurking in the Shadows.

This is a very interesting story, well written and with enough mystery to keep the pages turning.

I have never come across a novel about a foreign service before and the detail of their set up is fascinating.

I think this should definitely find a publisher.

Cheers
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

I found myself so engrossed in the story, not so much for the story itself but for the lifestyle that I imagine exists for someone like Lee.
Your attention to detail is fabulous and truly appreciated. This is the kind of story where a reader as myself could feel completely lost, but I feel in safe hands with you and trust you won't assume I know anything.
Wonderful!
Backed,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

This is so authentic, it's what I call a real 'grown up' novel. You know your places, your people and all the ugly beaurocracy and corrupt details that go with them.
My one problem with it, is that each POV is too short. I like to get comfy with a character before they're snatched away and replaced by a new one.
Apart from that, pretty much flawless.
Shalini x

How long are your chapters as an average? About 200 words? Isn't that a little short, maybe by a factor of 10? Maybe it's the fashion these days, but it's not a fashion I like very much. Aside from that, you write well, you explain any of the Spanish that needs to be explained, and you appear to have a good story. I wish you luck with it. Marj.

Tom, thanks for writing West of Laredo. I was into ch 11 before I knew it, since I live in Texas of course it was of interest. I did not know if what I read was fictional or real.. but the realness spoke through. Backed.

Hello Tom,

I saw at once that I'd met an author who knows what he's talking about. After reading your first chapter, I skipped around to see if you're consistent, and you are. Later I'll return and read "West of Laredo" from start to finish, it's that good.

Many thanks for backing "The Doctor of Summitville."

Best of luck, Bill

Very good, no criticsm. This the sort of book I read by choice. Real scenarios, believable characters and English that one can read,
The story rolls on, going somewhere.
I have put it on my book shelf and will read it from cover to cover.

Issues between Mexico and the US are obviously not every day news over here in the UK, so I'm not in a position to comment on the day to day state of things you touch on here, but of course I'm away that there are the usual border problems, plus the added troubles that can come from such a long and open border.
I found it all fascinating, the work that Penny does, the way the whole consulate business os set up and the people and cases she encounters.
The drug side of things is down right terrifying.
This is very readable with plenty of hooks to grab the reader and pull them along. I could have done with less Spanish, I hate it when stuff is being discussed, even if its unimportant, when I don't understand what is begin said, but apart from that and a bit of editing, I think this is good.

I like the thought behind the writing as the story has an insider's feel to it. It reads well, the pace is taut, and for the genre, the writing is perfect. I, as a reader, was intrigued to read on and on.
However, there are minor issues with inconsistent tenses and small typos, the first one in the 1st para itself. I believe you meant 'bit' instead of 'beat.'
Enjoyed the writing though and best of luck with it.

You set the pace well and your work seems finely placed with just the right measure of words to get across your point without being wordy. What an interesting world you must have seen. This is a good profession for that; plenty of fodder for books. What I read shows a great start that held my attention strong. Good luck. Backed.
Jenny

I was just in Laredo two weeks ago for a buddy's wedding. I grew up in south Texas and I have seen the changes through the years. It now seems like an armed camp, not the quaint little backwater it use to be. Now I don't even go near that place. SHELVED for the insight you give the readers and those pitches did sell me.

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

You're right, it does need work! I hope to get to it this summer and will take all the comments into account. I would rather a brilliant co-writer take over, clean it up, make everything make sense and then send it off to an agent who sells it at top dollar to a great publisher who then spins it off as a movie starring, well I forget her name, but you get the point...

Tom, I find your premise intriguing and the opening chapter did, indeed, encourage me to read on. In chapter 2, I became confused by too many descriptions that didn't quite meld; i.e., the gardeners, Lee's juggling act with three objects, her bare feet on the floor, etc. At the paragraph in Spanish, I lost interest, sorry to say.

Chapter 1 sets up the story, then chapter 2 MUST have something urgent to keep the reader interested in Lee's fate. Backstory and early morning coffee and the lazy beginning to a day just don't carry the plot forward at this point. Sly80 noted the "head hopping" from one POV to another. Try to put yourself into one character's head and work a chapter from there before changing POV.

This story has good potential, but needs some work.

Cherry, Great comments. I owe you. And perhaps I can repay with this news if you don't know already. Zachary Mason has a novel out called "The Lost Books of the Odyssey." Your book feels like a campanion to the Odyssey, one that is true to the story and just expands on it. Mason's book is more of an alternate universe. There is a chapter that begins with Odysseus lamenting that he is coward... hard to believe, but I'm old school.

Great comments. You're a wonderful editor and I'll incorporate your fixes if and when I get around to working on this. Since its number 826 I'm in no rush!

All the best to you. You have a winner!

Cheers, Tom

Tom, just finished reading your "West of Laredo." I enjoyed it very much.
First, I liked the title. Being British and having never travelled to Texas or Mexico, or anywhere near there, I have very little knowledge of the area. I suspect there'a fair few of us Brits in similar situation. But I know the song "Streets of Laredo"! I know that sounds ignorant, but there it is, and "Laredo" helps me know where the book is set.
Your style is neat and fast moving; it keeps up the tension and the underlying threat of something violent about to happen..very readable. Also, your chapters are short and tend to end on a note of suspense, which of course, makes the reader want to read on.
Clearly you know your stuff about the diplomatic service, which having read your profile, I knew you would. And it all helps the story feel authentic.
i loved the character of Lee Penny. Perhaps she was a little too capable, given she was on her first posting, but I accept she must be good to be there in the first place, so it's probably in keeping. Anyway, she was someone I cared about and was permanently worried about her. Trey was great too, but I wasn't so worried about him. I cared about the young girl, Fatima and felt that perhaps her horrible death was reported too casually , but they're professionals, so maybe that's how they'd deal with it.
So just a few MINOR points, if only so I think I've written something useful for you!
1. I liked the Spanish, it gave your story a sense of place. But I couldn't understand it. (sorry! if selling to a Brit market as well as US one, we don't speak as much Spanish as you do...it tends to be French or German) So perhaps more of a clue what it means?!
2.I liked your dialogue, it's well written and feels natural. But I don't think your punctuation is always correct. Eg in Chapter 15, you write: "No." Lee says." I think it should be "No," Lee says. I noticed you've done that a few times.
3. This may just be me, but when you wrote about the boxer at the door, in Chapter 21, at first I thought you meant a boxer, as in a fighter, not a dog. Of course, I soon realised, but it confused me for a moment!

Sorry Tom, there was a blip on my PC and I sent you that comment twice, when I hadn't quite finished!
Just to coclude. I liked the book very much. I hope you get it published because I'm sure it would sell well. Good luck,
Cherry G. "Sister: One Woman's Journey Through the Trojan War"

Tom, just finished reading your "West of Laredo." I enjoyed it very much.
First, I liked the title. Being British and having never travelled to Texas or Mexico, or anywhere near there, I have very little knowledge of the area. I suspect there'a fair few of us Brits in similar situation. But I know the song "Streets of Laredo"! I know that sounds ignorant, but there it is, and "Laredo" helps me know where the book is set.
Your style is neat and fast moving; it keeps up the tension and the underlying threat of something violent about to happen..very readable. Also, your chapters are short and tend to end on a note of suspense, which of course, makes the reader want to read on.
Clearly you know your stuff about the diplomatic service, which having read your profile, I knew you would. And it all helps the story feel authentic.
i loved the character of Lee Penny. Perhaps she was a little too capable, given she was on her first posting, but I accept she must be good to be there in the first place, so it's probably in keeping. Anyway, she was someone I cared about and was permanently worried about her. Trey was great too, but I wasn't so worried about him. I cared about the young girl, Fatima and felt that perhaps her horrible death was reported too casually , but they're professionals, so maybe that's how they'd deal with it.
So just a few MINOR points, if only so I think I've written something useful for you!
1. I liked the Spanish, it gave your story a sense of place. But I couldn't understand it. (sorry! if selling to a Brit market as well as US one, we don't speak as much Spanish as you do...it tends to be French or German) So perhaps more of a clue what it means?!
2.I liked your dialogue, it's well written and feels natural. But I don't think your punctuation is always correct. Eg in Chapter 15, you write: "No." Lee says." I think it should be "No," Lee says. I noticed you've done that a few times.
3. This may just be me, but when you wrote about the boxer at the door, in Chapter 21, at first I thought you meant a boxer, as in a fighter, not a dog. Of course, I soon realised, but it confused me for a moment!

Tom, just finished reading your "West of Laredo." I enjoyed it very much.
First, I liked the title. Being British and having never travelled to Texas or Mexico, or anywhere near there, I have very little knowledge of the area. I suspect there'a fair few of us Brits in similar situation. But I know the song "Streets of Laredo"! I know that sounds ignorant, but there it is, and "Laredo" helps me know where the book is set.
Your style is neat and fast moving; it keeps up the tension and the underlying threat of something violent about to happen..very readable. Also, your chapters are short and tend to end on a note of suspense, which of course, makes the reader want to read on.
Clearly you know your stuff about the diplomatic service, which having read your profile, I knew you would. And it all helps the story feel authentic.
i loved the character of Lee Penny. Perhaps she was a little too capable, given she was on her first posting, but I accept she must be good to be there in the first place, so it's probably in keeping. Anyway, she was someone I cared about and was permanently worried about her. Trey was great too, but I wasn't so worried about him. I cared about the young girl, Fatima and felt that perhaps her horrible death was reported too casually , but they're professionals, so maybe that's how they'd deal with it.
So just a few MINOR points, if only so I think I've written something useful for you!
1. I liked the Spanish, it gave your story a sense of place. But I couldn't understand it. (sorry! if selling to a Brit market as well as US one, we don't speak as much Spanish as you do...it tends to be French or German) So perhaps more of a clue what it means?!
2.I liked your dialogue, it's well written and feels natural. But I don't think your punctuation is always correct. Eg in Chapter 15, you write: "No." Lee says." I think it should be "No," Lee says. I noticed you've done that a few times.
3. This may just be me, but when you wrote about the boxer at the door, in Chapter 21, at first I thought you meant a boxer, as in a fighter, not a dog. Of course, I soon realised, but it confused me for a moment!

Mary, Thanks a lot. On the Spanish, I translate it or provide all of the meaning in the English that follows. But you are right, it's left a lot of people wondering if they "got it." I used it in the beginning chapters to establish a tone, then dropped it, but once I get around to incorporating all the great comments I'll have to rethink and do what's best for the readers. A King in Time captured my interest, and I hope to have time to provide fuller comments. Till then, good luck and thanks! Tom

Hi Tom:

Thank you very much for backing my book, A King in Time. I always try to look at the work of those who decide they like mine well enough to back it here. That took me to "West of Loredo". While reading this I got a sense of an underlying feeling of danger, something about to pop, or blow up with devastating damage to your character. There's an aura of suspense and it's scary all right. Great job of making me shiver in me boots.

Well that's what it's all about. If you can cause the reader to feel some kind of emotion from what you have written, then you are on the right track.

I don't speak Spanish. So, when you used that in some paragraphs, I didn't know what you were saying and it kinda stopped me and made me wonder what I was missing. In today's America, I guess nearly everyone does need to know how to speak Spanish. I personally feel that if people come to live here, they should learn our language. Some do and you still can't understand a word they are saying. I noticed you explained briefly in one place what was said. That helped. I am not sure what this means for anyone other than myself. Just my take on it.

This story gave me a glimpse into a world I know nothing about. Certainly a provacative one and frightening.

Very crisp style of writing. I liked it a lot.

Mary Enck

Hi Tom:

Thank you very much for backing my book, A King in Time. I always try to look at the work of those who decide they like mine well enough to back it here. That took me to "West of Loredo". While reading this I got a sense of an underlying feeling of danger, something about to pop, or blow up with devastating damage to your character. There's an aura of suspense and it's scary all right. Great job of making me shiver in me boots.

Well that's what it's all about. If you can cause the reader to feel some kind of emotion from what you have written, then you are on the right track.

I don't speak Spanish. So, when you used that in some paragraphs, I didn't know what you were saying and it kinda stopped me and made me wonder what I was missing. In today's America, I guess nearly everyone does need to know how to speak Spanish. I personally feel that if people come to live here, they should learn our language. Some do and you still can't understand a word they are saying. I noticed you explained briefly in one place what was said. That helped. I am not sure what this means for anyone other than myself. Just my take on it.

This story gave me a glimpse into a world I know nothing about. Certainly a provacative one and frightening.

Very crisp style of writing. I liked it a lot.

Mary Enck

You have a great style to your writing- very easy to read along to. Teamed with your interesting pitch, this looks very appealing.

Backed.
~Andrea, MARIPOSA

This is a fascinating story, well written! Best of luck with it. Backed. regards, jedward (Knut)

Tom, re you plea for honesty, you have to allow for the fact that you've written a great story in a professional style. But I'm going to look for some areas where you might just improve it. First though, the positives, 'Lee thinks Tweety is a Mexican god', made me smile. Your main characters, Trey and Lee, come across as solid, intelligent individuals, and the setting of the diplomatic services is so counter-intuitive that it reeks of expertise. This is a gripping story with hooks at the end of each chapter so far, and the writing is crisp and clear. So, it definitely gets my backing, and I would buy it.

Feel free to use or ignore any of the following suggestions:

I'm not sure the final paragraph of chapter 1 really adds anything essential, and actually distracts from the more impressive next-to-last paragraph.

'Every Saturday, Lee comes downstairs...' this sentence has problems ... it's too tangled ... is she wearing the tiles on her feet and carrying three different objects in two hands?

I'd cut back on that first bit of Spanish ... just have the first line then modify 'Penny starts explaining that she is indeed up earlier than usual'. Anyone who can't speak Spanish skips that bit anyway. As well to find a way of dealing with the Spanish elsewhere such as '"Yes," he confirmed in Spanish'.

Is "Boys Town" and "Disneyland" the same place? If so, you only need to say so the once, then just use one name.

'better to her then [than] Perrier'.

'She decides to let it go' begins a series of sentences all starting 'She'.

Consider limiting the points-of-view to just the main protagonists. I found it disconcerting to be suddenly and briefly in the mind of the gardener and then the prisoner.

Hope that helps.

Tom, your first two chapters read smoothly. Good job. Nothing to nitpick in these two sections.

Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a little bit weird. In the Authonomy world, I get a lot of great comments--"stunning, gripping," all that. In the real world, I get "hey, keep your day job... don't write anymore... your sentences are boring and your words look funny." So somebody out there give me a wake up call. Show me the Authonomy world is the real world. Tell me what you REALLY think....

I read 1 and 14 and found the use of the first person present gave the writing an immediacy and pace which makes it very readable. I did notice repetition in the first para of ch 14 - volunteer x2. Maybe change the second to: puts himself forward.
Anyway, good stuff. Backed.
Cheers,
Simon

Hi Tom, this is really fine writing. Starting with an interview was a great idea.and the tension mounts without us knowing very much and thus urging us on to read more. Totally convincing, as I expected. Backed -- you've a winner here.
Best wishes, Barry
(Little krisna and the Bihar Boys)

You seem to know your stuff and write about it in a very gripping way. Backed.
Regards,
Al

Hullo Tom. great narration sort of style. a make or break situation. Very good. Already shelved and backed. Please take a look at my book. Thanks in advance


Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421