Bait

Right from the first paragraph my interest was aroused. By the end of the second paragraph I knew exactly what the book is about: how had she got into this mess, and how was she going to get out. By the end of the 3rd para, I knew the quality of writing wasn't going to allow me a single page when I could say, 'that's a convenient place, I'll settle down and go to sleep now'.

I was stunned subsequently to read from your profile that this is first-time writing: this is assured, professional - and plain damned good. Three-dimensional characters, intriguing international plot, slick dialogue, and very clever writing. Possibly the best book on this site - and substantially better than most thrillers in the bookshops.

Don't bother messing around with ratings here, get this round to an agent pronto.

Backed (for what it's worth!)
Chris

Well for a first time write I have to say I am seriously impressed. This is solidly written and gripping. It had elements of Bourne in its intelligent detail. I breezed through the chapters, you have the flow just right. What I like is you have a female lead who is not from the chick-lit drawer and she is believable in what she does. They says guys won't read female leads, i think that's just nonsense. I'd happily read this too conclusion.
Backed,
David
Bailey of the Saints

This is an exciting, gripping story with a great plot. Your idea is very original, and Rebecca is a girl we get to know quickly and like. Smart, feisty, brave, she is a convincing, believable character, and her abilities on the computer make her particularly interesting. It's good to have a girl who's clever at this sort of thing, because it's usually been a boy. Rebecca and her friends are very realistic, made more so by your skillful dialogue, and Tom is an interesting character, easy to like. The shot which sends him backwards into a cafe is a great hook, and we read on, hoping he's okay. Jack is another good character, either of these men would make a great hero. Your style is clear, fluent, fast moving. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Dear LJ/Soap,
I could barely stop reading. Bait is that good. Your voice, your phrasing, the basics are good. However, what really harpooned me were the characters. I immediately fell head over heels in love with both Rebecca and Tom, they are the kind of characters I love, scrappy and competent, confident but self-effacing. Anyway, LJ/Soap, you have a winner here. This is just the book I’d take to the beach or on the train. I suspect, too, Bait is one of those I would hate to have end. Best of luck. I’m backing and will buy when published.
Caroline/KC Hart
Summer Rose

Hi. I'm enjoying reading "Bait." I noticed one small mistake in chapter 2. She asks Tom How do you know I lost her job? Should be How do you know I lost my job?

I have dipped only briefly into Bait but I can already see that this is a very well written spy thriller. Crisply written, fast moving, with few wasted words. Will look forward to rading the full story one day. Well done!

Best wishes Philip John (Dead Reckoning/The Ambassador's Last Post)

This totally pulled me in. Right from the opening paragraphs it picked me up and sped me along. Great pacing and interesting story line.

Athena (The Raven and the Wolf)

Bait, the kind of book to get lost in, filled with intrigue and hooks. I like how you begin with the wool coat in July, and I also like the 'touches' you insert....indigo shadows, ancient hinges, amber rust, ruby sheen, cold bunch of keys...I could go on! Those touches add to the overall flavour- I'd love to read this to the end.

Impressive.

And backed.

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Fast paced, well described and suspenseful

Sort of serves Rebecca right, getting involved in all this. If you don't want to get burned, you'd best stay out of the kitchen, and she stirred the pot, computer-wise, once too often as a diversion.

The first sentence should read: "when her brother, at age twelve, cut his leg on a nail..."

In chapter one, paragraphs 4 and 5 both start with "so". I suggest you lose the first one.

In chapter 18, you mention "extremely nice luncheons" and "extremely nice articles of 'work' clothing". Rebecca is becoming too familiar with good things to be still describing them in this generic way.

Espionage is not a genre that I read a great deal, but the book seems well written so I'll gladly shelf it and let others judge.

Wendy Bertsch
(Once More...From The Beginning)

LJ, I like the mix of narrative and dialogue in your first chapter. Smooth read.

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hullo LJ. it is always spooky to find out that someone has been watching you work. Guess that is why the security of our government offices is so tight. very good read, good charecters (female who can defend herself). Please take a look at my book. Thanks


Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

I like this book because of the writing style - and the idea that a computer geek is a woman. The scope of where her travels take her makes for interesting reading. Good job. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Well written and shelved. The first chapter provokes an insatiable curiosity and compels to read on. I wondered about the location – given the olive trees, probably on the Riviera.

I was a bit surprised by the manners of the people involved. I may be old-fashioned, but in a bar setting, I’d refuse to join a man who asked for me. That’s what prostitutes do. If he wants to talk to me, let him come over. Later, the girls introduce themselves and the men don’t reciprocate. I’ve not been to a bar for years and if this is a normal behaviour, I’m glad not to be a part of that crowd anymore.

Good luck with this,

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Bait sounds interesting, I look forward to reading the whole thing.

Yup, this is good tight writing. It's not a genre I read much of so can't offer much in the way of clever crit - but the story rattles along and you have a great set-up. Clean, crisp, very nicely done and I'm happy to back.

I am enjoying this so far...good story, I like the character of Rebecca and her struggles to understand the wrld she has entered. Backed,.

George Fripley (Wurzel of Clutton)

LJ
You have a great talent fordesciptive writing! I loved the first few chapters of this. Great characters and great plot.
Backed
DP Walker
Five Dares

Absolutely brilliant.... and a first time writer like myself!
Wonderful prose, cracking plot.
A winner.
Alison Butler (The Hanging of Margaret Dickson)

Hiya Soap, not to push a pun, but this is clean writing and compelling to boot.
on my shelf!
i like how you immerse us in the MC's world at the outset and keep us there via her interior thoughts in italics.
no macro comments: the storyline is perfectly clear.
in the interests of providing some - possibly - useful critique, i have a micro thought: maybe prune a few adjectives to increase pace at the start. of course, i'm not one to talk - ;) - i load up on description out of the gate.
anyway, e.g., i like your 2nd sentence but could it be a bit shorter?
in 3rd sentence, does reader need to know the pavement is pink?
just picky and VERY MINOR ideas.
all in all, nice one.
best, andy

Wow... your descriptive detail is so good I was there with her... you have a natural talent! I wish you the very best of luck with this. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

Good strong pitches (any advise on how to do this would be gladly received)

Very good start nice use of visual description, wish you would have brought auditory description I before the buzzer and the low hum, for me it would have increased the urgency (however this is my preferred style, not everyone’s). Strong pacy storyline, well-written – Very Good


Famlavan – Museum of Old Beliefs

Absolutely love the cover and the writing is superb! I can easily see this as a book and then a movie. You have a gift for dialogue which is so important in today's writing! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

I've had this on my shelf since it appeared on the site, and I've had to take it down now to promote some other books. It's one of the best reads I've come across here.
Frank

Your opening hooked me. Rebecca is likable ... and believable. Your secondary characters come across as real and unique. Lively dialogue. Vivid descriptions. I love that you use smell, sound and touch as well as sight in your descriptions. Slick narrative. Engaging storyline. Pacing held my interest. An original, well-crafted story. Backed.

BAIT:

LJ,

This is an exciting, fast moving thriller, with a likeable, believable main character. Well written.

A riveting read.

Backed, with pleasure.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Opens with a bang. Well written and reads as fast as Rebecca runs.

Backed,
Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

Quite an imaginative story. The pitch is drawing as well. Good luck. BD Nelson Abigail's Cries

Quite an imaginative story. The pitch is drawing as well. Good luck. BD Nelson Abigail's Cries

I really liked this one. I think you have a real talent for writing and it is easy to follow, yet kept me intrigued. Good job and let me know when it's published.

My kind of book, gripping and fast paced from the get go; this has well developed characters, strong use of dialogue and a plot that compells. I'd buy it at the book shop. I'm happy to give it a spin on my shelf. I'll come back for more later.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Hi LJ,
Thanks for giving me the chance to read this. I found the first few chapters to be very enjoyable. Your writing style is smooth and fast paced, I never felt bogged down by too much backstory or description.

The first chapter had enough suspense to spark my curiosity. I wanted to know what happened. Such a good mystery.

Good luck with this. Shelved.

I am presently reading "The girl with the dragon tatoo". I think that you have written a book with a MC equal to that one--that is a major accomplishment. She is tough, accomplished, gritty, but just a bit naive. That is a wonderful look into humanity.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Your write like a professional. I love how Rebecca is physically and mentally tough, but vulnerable because she has no idea what she's getting into. Chapter 3 has some great tension and a gripping ending. This has all the elements of a store-ready thriller.

Well done and backed.

Brian

backed.

shah

Looking very good.

backed.

Lorrii

LJ
Gosh so much packed into loaded chapter one......

You mentioned 2 street names, but unless I missed it, you didn't tell us which city we were in ?

Rebecca is a sleek powerful character I like her.

..I stumbled a bit on the 'she said in French' 'he spoke English bit'
I dont know if I'd bother with it, English is her first language, her contact expects her to be speaking her mother tongue.....

Il y a toujours des fleurs en printemps," he said, and smiled. It seemed incongruous; corny even, coming from this tall, well-built man, but at least she knew he was her contact. ..........(there are always flowers in springtime,............. but its not corny if the reader doesn't understand it).........

The water running over her body 'seemed' the most amazing sensation,....delete 'seemed' The water running over her body was the most amazing sensation.........(dont you just feel the water running over you without the word 'seemed').......I counted 'seemed' x 6 in chapter one....d'you need them? i think not !

OK love the premise, am sure you'll do well.....Great read, best of luck with it...

Shelved..

Right from the first paragraph my interest was aroused. By the end of the second paragraph I knew exactly what the book is about: how had she got into this mess, and how was she going to get out. By the end of the 3rd para, I knew the quality of writing wasn't going to allow me a single page when I could say, 'that's a convenient place, I'll settle down and go to sleep now'.

I was stunned subsequently to read from your profile that this is first-time writing: this is assured, professional - and plain damned good. Three-dimensional characters, intriguing international plot, slick dialogue, and very clever writing. Possibly the best book on this site - and substantially better than most thrillers in the bookshops.

Don't bother messing around with ratings here, get this round to an agent pronto.

Backed (for what it's worth!)
Chris

Plenty of action and well written. Characters and dialogue both engaging and authentic. Nothing I can add that would improve this.
Happy to shelve
Best wishes
SUe

Hi LJ really good beginning, straight into the action which I like. I felt on the edge of my seat through the read. I like the fact that Rebecca doesn't seem to really know what she is doing either and Jacks strong male influence relaxes her a little. I can't seem to shake mt dodgy feeling about jack though, for some reason i don't trust him! On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

very detailed and very well told, with a good pace.

Andy Wood

A winning combination, Rebecca's kickboxing, attitude, and computing savoir-faire. The action really kicks off in Ch 3, which is where, if it was me, I would be inclined to start the story. It lets you know you're on a one-track action-packed ride. The scene with Tom and the hitmen was particularly gripping, the detail and tension lending it that essential Bourne/Bond-like quality that will propel this to where it needs to go. When you keep it lean, this is very good indeed. Well done, and good luck

Bait is a classic thriller with an intriguing pitch that promises fast moving international action and drama. The bloodstained shirt in the first paragraph of C1already lives up to the promise, and by the time I reached the drive-by shooting in C3 I was completely hooked. It's good to find a fellow thriller-writer in top form, and I'll be very happy to back this.

Well written with strong charcters and diolouge that keep the pages turning. C W Shelved.

Loved the opening chapter to this and will come back for more. Backed. Hope you get an opportunity to read The Brotherhood.

Brian - The Brotherhood

Well for a first time write I have to say I am seriously impressed. This is solidly written and gripping. It had elements of Bourne in its intelligent detail. I breezed through the chapters, you have the flow just right. What I like is you have a female lead who is not from the chick-lit drawer and she is believable in what she does. They says guys won't read female leads, i think that's just nonsense. I'd happily read this too conclusion.
Backed,
David
Bailey of the Saints

This is excellent stuff. I've read the first couple of chapters - your writing really drew me into your story. I wish you every success with this. Backed, Sana

I love a strong female protagonist. This one gets my vote. Backed.

Hi L J, Very capable writing, tight and yet it conveys visual at the observant times. Rebecca’s job end with the telling about the corpulent man was funny. And Tom showing up during the night out, her phone being tapped, and it’s believable, all because of her computer skills. This reads so smoothly and that enhances it’s credibility. A young woman being dragged into international intrigue – it comes from her, someone not used to that. Good storytelling and a pleasure to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

L.J.

I absolutely love the way Rebecca is written. We need more Lara Croft and Rebecca's in the thriller genre. The research it took to craft this novel shines in the writing and the pace is superb.

Backed with the best of luck,

Candace Bowen Early (A Knight of Silence)

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

You writing is polished and your style and voice perfect for the genre... you should go well with this as your story is original.

Great title

Jo xx

Spoilt

I was most impressed with your dialogue and descriptions
Your opening strikes a mighty blow—intense
I found the plot interesting and characters compelling
There is a rhythm in the writing that adds good pace to the storyline
Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

This is a good read, uncluttered by overdescriptive prose, though I like the description of 'Indigo shadows,' and I like the internal dialogue. The main character comes across as vulnerable in her situation but strong and clever. I live in the Rhone! There were just a couple of nitpics which have been pointed also to me before, which is the use of adverbs like ridiculously and heavily, I have been told and it works for me that deleting them or rephrasing the sentence with out them tightens up the read and quickens the pace. Also in the beginning the man refers to his parents as 'mum' and 'dad' which I think is what a young person might say, rather than a fully grown man. I hope you do well.
Happily backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

Those who know me know how good a book is when I say: 'Thrilling'.
Backed!
A look at mine would be appreciated.
Frank, Sicilian Shadows