A Bore No More

A nice twist which leads into a strong story. Your writing is clear and the characterisation strong.

This is the kind of writing that keeps people's attention. Very well done!

H Leigh Cornwell
(Blood Descent)

Haha... this is funny. I was reading the sex scene and thinking that it was too utterly perfect - and then..ha! Very cute book. My full approval. GREAT job!

Jocelyn
From the blog it looks like fantasy should be added! Read chapter 6 and would recommend others do so also to see the quality of your work shine through. Very good visualisation and writing. Well done and backed. Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Oh, this has got to be one of the best opening chapters on Authonomy. Starts with the perfect love scenario--the fantasy lover and ends with a mentally unstable German shepherd waking up your protagonist to reality.

Original and shelved.

Patricia

Dear Jocelyn,
I thought Trevor's good luck was too good to be true! Well written - it would make a good movie scene!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Jocelyn

When I started reading your first chapter I was thinking the action was well described but the dialogue wasn't entirely believable. Then of course it was revealed to be an extract from the book supposedly being written by your main character, which I hadn't anticipated.

Your story certainly gets off to a good start, helped by that unexpected twist, and I'll read some more later.

Jim H

Wonderfully crooked beginning that gives rise to a very well structured piece of writing.

BACKED

When I first noticed your book I thought it was one of those Georgian romance novels involving a rakish lord and a woman of ill-repute. Wow, I am glad I took the time to read it and find out this book should not be judged by its cover or title. Great stuff Jocelyn! It will be interesting to see what happens to Trevor & Tracey now they are intimately involved. BACKED Christine Elaine Black MAXIMUS

The story begins nicely and kept me reading. It develops into a twisted, convulted plot that is utterly outrageous. I loved it. The characters are fully rounded, the hero laden with flaws too numerous to mention. I can hardly wait for you to finish the story so I can sate my curiosity. Great read.
Eric (Bookster) Wilder - Prairie Sunset

Hi Jocelyn,

A very interesting story with bizarre twists that kept me on my toes. An exciting read that I gladly back.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

It's eye catching and I enjoy it. Backed. Just occasionally you could simplify your language. Make it easy for people to empathise with him. rosalind Good for Him

Ah ha...what a twist! You drag the reader in and then twist the story, gaining their attention even more! I love your opening - the perfectness of it all flows with ease and it's relaxing to read something that's so care-free and happy. To begin with anyway...

BACKED 100%
Aimee

Well done, this is a very interesting romatic story. a book that can be read when one wants to unwind.
Good job.

Lydia
What A Life!

Joss, This is well written, descriptive and the opening was both clever and sensual. I read all 7 chapters.What a great storyline and your MC"S both have a wonderful voice and an innocence about them. Your other characters add to the story and round it out.

Love the plot, which you think will be simple, and then it takes its twists and turns filled with intrigue. Great pace, clear writing, making this an easy read. You have action, passion, friendship,love.good guys bad guys and everything inbetween can anyone spell WINNER ...Backed for sure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Jocelyn, enjoyable start - thought it would be a dream and I am assuming some of the cliches like "using the sexiest voice known to man" is a reflection on the factory worker as writer. Your premise is catching and I will read further. Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

A very romantic story. Well done
Backed

Lydia
What A life!

Chapter 5

I have no idea what you mean by ‘he had European appearance.”
‘His reaction was not favourable to regret’ - not sure what this means.

Well written with good dialogue and plenty of action. Happy to back

Anthony
Aqua Omega

I think I'm losing my mind lately... this is the second book I'm reading tonight that I feel like I read before. Maybe I backed without comment, but just in case I gave it another spin on my shelf and I'm leaving a comment now.

You write your steamy scenes with emotion. It's romantic and tasteful. A bit sad the opening scene wasn't really happening. Definitely made me want to go wake my husband up LOL

and laughing that it is something he is writing. Maybe put it in italics. It's funny how you "call out" the whole opening with a dream scene thing. Trevor is an interesting Character. I wouldn't mind reading more about him. Well done with this!

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I have a couple of reservations about the first chapter - I guess it's intended to pretty tongue in cheek and supposed to show that this Paul guy can't really write but is living vicariously through his novel. I mean, it's a substitute for a real ife? However, the danger is that it looks like you can't really write. As a sex scene I find it over the top (which is presumably intended) but , not knowing your work the reader can't be sure.
I don't know what the solution is except start somewhere else, but the last line works well so I see the predicament.
I'm not yet convinced. I'm putting it on my watchlist and interested to see how you approach the next draft.
upper legs = thighs??
our tongues fervently played off the others - this sentence doesn't really seem quite right.
Good luck with it,
Alison

a very enjoyable read, backed with pleasure

alison

I thought the first three chapters were very entertaining. First the mushy love scene, then this poor lonely writer waking up to his boring life. You don't see people hitch hiking in big American cities anymore (unless the are smelly hobos) but if you get past the fact that this boring guy threw caution to the wind, it's a really fun story. I also like that the reader thinks Tracey is of the lowest moral character (between her being a prostitute and having such a 'specialty'). Then to find out her virtue is intact, one ponders this technicality and thinks, well, she's right.

Fun and original,
Christa

An interesting pitch and I like your writing style. Glad to back you. Sorry I don't have time to write a longer comment.

Cheers
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

the writing's good and flows well. the sexual fantasy felt a little feminine, firstly because of the attention he pays to clothing, and secondly just by its kissy-kissy nature. I can't speak for all men obviously, but that didn't feel like a man's fantasy. A matter of opinion though.

a volvo station wagon with orange flames and chrome exhausts sounded a very odd combination. Volvos are very boxy, unflashy cars, generally speaking, so I'm not sure how to visualise it. seemed quite odd.

I didn't understand why the car passing honked at them. They're parked at the side of the road and he's on the safe side. Didn't make sense to me.

Trevor mention of how he could do with a little excitement and the vendetta comment both seemed out of place. What reason has he for thinking something's up? He may have reason for thinking this but without you giving the reader some indication of why, it feels too conveniently spot on.

I think the writing is of a high quality and it reads well, good flow and pace. But the way he gets in the car and is instantly part of the group didn't feel convincing. I did like the tone of it though.

best of luck with it.

Love it, I wish you the best of luck. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Good opening, the dream, the dog's interruption, some reflections on his life and the status of his novel. Found the pitch and the premise quite enticing and it's all written very well.
John O'Brien - Other Face

This is a tricky one. I almost stopped reading and would have if I hadn't already known there would be a twist. The dialogue seemed very of f to me, which works when it is your character writing, but it is a trust you have not yet earned with the reader, to take them there. Hope that makes sense. It works in movies, because this sort of twist is very common, but I would suggest working a bit more on the balance between your skill as a writer and your character's. Also, it is very similar to the dreaded "dream sequence" that is a sure fire way to get a rejection from an agent. I liked it though, apart from the dialogue.

Hi Jocelyn,

I like the opening chapter/dream sequence. It's suitably visual/cinematic, and leads nicely into the reality of your MC's life. There's a crispness to your writing that I enjoyed and at its best in your dialogue and character interactions. Your MC is perfect, easy to sympathise with... a real everyman.

Well done!
Victoria
'Daisy Dragonfly.'

Hi Jocelyn,

Even though I've only had time to read the first two chapters, there is no disputing that you know how to write and how to hook a reader. However, starting a story with a dream sequence is not regarded as a good thing in publishing as it can be constued as cheating the reader. That said, it is one of the best pieces I've read so you do need to keep it in somewhere.

Most writers have a 'favourite' word which they tend to overuse and reading this I'd say yours is the word 'blonde. It appears a few times in the first chapter and again a couple of times in the second.

The paragraph where the mc first meets the others in the car and is introduced to them feel a little contrived in that they are introduced by their ful names. When meeting like this for what is only meant to be a short period people would only give their first names.

All these things can easily put right and you have the makings of a good story here. Good luck with it.

Ron

Dog gone it Jocelyn. I only wanted to read a few chapters and then leave a comment. Now, here I am reading chapter five and already wishing that you had uploaded the entire manuscript.

Excellent intrigue. I'm not sure opening with the dream isn't too cliche for today's market, but that's a minor detail. I'm not sure that you couldn't just drop that chapter entirely, and maybe backwork it into the story elsewhere.

Great read, and backed with much pleasure. Now back to reading the rest of what you have posted.

tyler (Almost Straight)

I really really like this!! Backed with pleasure :) GOOD LUCK!

Fantastic! You TOTALLY sucked me in. How could I not read that whole section ... up to Woof! Hilarious. You write beautifully, with gorgeous, very accessible descriptions. And I'm curious about what's to come - great pitch.
Thank Fortuneight for her Cdn forum thread - otherwise I might never have found your book!
backed
Genevieve

What a brilliant pitch - full of mystery and intrigue. Your prose doesn't disappoint either. Infact, it felt like a David Lynch film. What impressed me most was your lyrical and rich descriptions of even the most minor details. Very impressive writing. I read three chapters and couldn;t find anything to nitpick. So, I shall just offer my congratulations. I hope this is published.
Carl
The Time hunters

HI Jocelyn

An intriguing tale. I think your sex scene in chapter 7 is very well written and you have set the story up so it can go in many different ways. Occasionaly I get confused when 2 people speak in the same paragraph. I have enjoyed what I have read so far.

Good Luck
John

I loved the openning. Sensual, sexy and dream like and it was. Strong writing that keeps the reader' rivited and interested and a great story to boot. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is well written and captivating. The pace is perfect and certainly kept my attention - you had me fooled - it seemed so real at the beginning. I loved the jolt to reality with the dog barking - this is a stroke of pure genius - congratulations on a fantastic submission. Best wishes, Paula & Patrick - How Mean is My Valley?

I enjoyed reading what little I read but it was gravely interesting. Backed because i enjoyed it.

Woof - what a way to awake! but what a great writer to keep every reader awake and reading well past the woof. This work is top of the line. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Hi, Jocelyn,

Returning your read, as promised. I'm intrigued by Dwayne's drug, and will back this for the potential of the plot, but I must admit it's not really my "cup of tea". The erotic scenes are too out-of-context for my taste - we don't know anything about either character in the dream sequence, so there's no emotional interest. The second seems unrealistic - a whore who's held onto her virginity for so long is a big ask on my suspension of disbelief for a start, but the fact that she seduces Trevor so quickly diminishes her. Good luck anyway.

Rachel

A Bore no More

Doesn’t it always happen, your almost here and…you miss your lift!
I think your call to adventure in this is brilliant and I think you capture it so well.
I think you have built a great group of characters here and those little hints…. Great writing –Good luck

What's not to like about this story. I would be glad to be in Trevor's position with these very interesting women. Backed

Great writing! You really had me going there for a moment. I briefly scrolled up to ensure I was reading the right book (so many wonderful books, so little time). Then I'm surprised or relieved, not quite sure now. "Trevor? Woof?" That was priceless. Trevor remains true to form when he examines the inside of the car and still gets in. Yes, we ask, what are you doing? This is engaging and a must read.

The story has potentional your descrptions are sensous, your Trevor Sims comes across a being real. Still the writer needs to get to grips with sentence structure. This is easilly achieved with having your computer read it to you. Listen to the rythmn.
An example is in the opening paragraph it has two subjects that are not linked by narrative. You start with a tingle, a nerve sensation, and end with a discussion about an aural sensation. That is not good because I had to jump back to make sure we started with a tingle.
Of course in dream anything is possible.

This was highly entertaining. You begin with the dream that sets the scene up for what's to follow. I laughed out at "Trevor? Woof!" Intriguing premise, Trevor is very interesting in spite of the un-interesting life he has led. There is sense of foreboding from the start that hooks the reader. I'm happy to back this.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

I enjoyed reading all of this, It was free flowing and he characters were real. the idea original and individual. Would make a cult movie because its quirky.

Hello Jocelyn, Christ, this is so good. Poor, boring, ordinary Trevor (a proper boring name) hits the heights of fulfilling some of his fantasies we already got a taste of in the opening pages only to be brought crashing back to reality by the neighbour's dog and another day shift at the factory.

Then, an ordinary occurrence like hitching a ride home propels our hero into a different world of violence, menace and sex beyond his wildest dreams - and he is the hero who gets the girl in Chapter 7. I thought she might have offered him the back door first but no, he got the golden prize instead.

Dwayne is a great villain and, obviously, the story is going to move on to how our heroes exact revenge on Tracey's behalf. Trevor's life will never be the same again. Mission accomplished! BACKED Chris1

There is a quirky voice to this. Not sure what it is. I like Trevor. He is real. And he has a interesting side to him.
And though I did like Trevor, I felt the writing did need some work. I think the dream beginning is a cliche but you handled yours with humor and though I usually balk at dream starts like this, I think yours was funny. Which held my interst. And the sexy scenes were good, so that helped.

Here are a few things that I noted about the writing.

There is some over writing: light cool breeze...yes well, a breeze is always light... you could make this cool breeze.

The word 'and'. Boy to you like to use it! I found many instances where it could be cut out, if you look to clear up some of the ands you can increase the fluidity of your writing.
Examples:
slowly working my way: working my way indicated slowly to me...drop the adverb.
My hands went to her face; her arms went to the back of my head.
She laid down flat on the blanket, closing her eyes as I...

Do you see what I mean?

THe other thing I wanted to touch upon is the personal pronoun starts. I found there were too many. I think you could weed some of them out. Personal pronoun starts tend to make a piece jerky and jarring. I think you have talent with writing and if you focused on adjusting some of the personal starts you would have a higher flying piece.

Last, be on the look out for adverbs. I noticed a bunch hanging around that weren't really necessary.

Chapter two really made me smile. I have a dear friend who was just telling me about how his carpool guy forgets him. And he has been carpooling with him for two years and the other day he called him by the wrong name. Priceless. From then on I thought of Trevor as my friend, which is why I found him so endearing.

I think with some work your story could really fly.
Good Luck!
T.L Tyson-The Reign Of Billie Blackwater

Dear Jocelyn, Since I already backed your book, I'll put you on my watchlist. Maybe that will help to advance your book. I noticed you listed O.T. Nelson. :) I got the Nelson's Bible for Christmas at a used bookstore for $8.95. I love my Parallel Bible the best. :)
Thanks for backing my books. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Jocelyn, Your book makes me want to keep reading to see what's going to happen next. Well done. :)
Thanks for your comment on my Tell Me True Love Stories Thank you for backing it. I am happy to back your book. :) Would back my edited version, too: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not Thanks, Susie :)

Joss, nice writing. pulls us into your MC's head immediately.
on my shelf!
i could send only accolades, but have a VERY tiny critical thought that may strike a chord.
these days "guys like trevor" are often older, maybe 35ish?

best, andy

Jocelyn - Hello!

Thank you for making contact and backing my book. You are very well read judging by your selection: it's William Golding - a typo there. I like your pitch. When I get a moment I will come back to you. At present, I am Commenting on the books I Shelve. I see you book _ A Bore No More - is climbing and nicely placed on the Weekly ratiings. Don't hesitate to contact me when a Nudge towards the Editor's Desk is required.

Best Regards. Tony Brady SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE

Yes, I guessed right from the beginning this was a dream sequence and to be honest I’m not all that into erotica, but I enjoyed the two chapters I read. When you edit you might like to tighten this up a little; I don’t go for the NO adverbs bit, but maybe a few less would be more effective sometimes. Minor nitpick … it’s not German Shepard for the dog. I suspect the MC is a bit of a fool and will regret his actions, but this sucks the reader in. Good luck with it, and I see you have already received some useful comments.

Very funny opening chapter - poor Trevor! I enjoyed reading this. The initial concept reminded me of The 40-Year-OId Virgin, a film I love. I think you have a good enough idea here to add more detail early on about Trevor's life and past, as it jumps into the action quite quickly (please forgive me if I'm talking rubbish) 2 other small suggestions: not sure you need to say "off of" - I'd just put "off". Also I thought Trevor's naivety was a tiny bit over-played sometimes, in particular the way he says "a bar for men who like men" rather than "gay bar - I couldn't believe he'd be that coy - though I could believe he'd be terrified to go there! Yes...poor Trevor! Still, I just read chapter 7 so at least he's happy - for now!
Best wishes
Kittykat ~ My House Eats People

Very well-written beginning. Had me chuckling.

I've got your on my book shelf and will read your story
Ellen Jensen
One Mother's Tale: Family Life with a Drug Addict