Faeyte

Faeyte is fantasy written by a young adult for young adult readers, yet the prose comes across as written by someone more mature in chronological years. Adventure, a strong-willed princess, a perfect tone of fantasy that doesn't go over the top. Call it a mix of reality and myth, if you will. Both on my shelf and Today's Pick I Like for 2/19/10: http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2010/02/todays-pick-i-like-21910.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

What a wonderful imagination you have. I thought the prologue worked very well - hugely menacing and your first chapter is just a joy to read. Very fluid, accessible prose displaying a great sense of time and space. your world is highly magical and Melora is fully realised from the opening chapters. You also have a lovely turn of phrase (smiles mocked melora's hidden sadness!). great stuff. In short, this is perfectly crafted for your target audience and I am delighted to back it.
carl
The Time Hunters

I love the premise, the cover, the book name, your main characters name--basically, if i saw this in the bookstore I would pick it up. So I started to read. The prologue was wonderfully written. You set the mood for the book and give an idea of other-worldliness to your story. Scary to think that creature may be set free. you also left enough unanswered questions for the reader to keep reading: who captured the creature? what promise did he make? When will he be set free?

This was extremely easy to read. A pleasure to back.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Faeyte is a charming tale with all the elements of a great YA fantasy read: adventure, elves, wolves, a gutsy princess and a dashing young man. I'm looking forward to reading more.

HJ
The Pearl Edda

A grown-up fairy tale, rich in description,which should send YA wild. The cover alone could sell it. Very well done. Backed. Lynn

Very nice cover! I'll read some soon! Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Greetings!

I found your book from the World Builder Alliance link, so I hope you don't mind the read & comment. If you could give Winter Wolf a read and tell me what you think, that'd be super duper, although not necessary.

Prologue ::

Short, sweet, and to the point. This is the sort of prologue I don't mind, and I usually mind them. That said, this could use a little cleaning up. Tighter sentences. More impact. A little more variation in vocabulary where you can manage it. As a random example, "Its sensitive nose could distinguish her smell from the sweet scent of the meadow flowers." could become something like "The meadow flowers could not hide her scent from its sensitive nose." There are a few more instances like this where you could just use a little bit of tightening to make the impact even stronger.

Other than that, good set up on what may be to come. The Wall and this situation reminds me of Kristen Britain's The First Rider / The Green Rider books.

Chapter 1: Festival ::

Nice descriptions at the start of this chapter. However, one thing that did come to mind is why did the detour to these two cities take only a day? If he is making political stops, you're losing a lot more than a day. Is this a very small kingdom, that these two major locations are within a half of a day within each other? I think that you may need to reconsider the scale of your land here; if it is so close to their home turf, the King wouldn't feel the need to stop. He'd be visiting there frequently. And if it is so far off, he'd be wasting several days at each stop, rather than losing just a day. Just something that crossed my mind as I was reading.

There was a little more exposition than I necessarily like in the first chapter and precious little conflict, but you do a good job of setting up for the world. The suitor at the Fortress is an interesting touch, ties in well with the prologue, and leaves a good opening. Overall, good writing quality, though I think that like the prologue, your general writing could use a little tightening up.

Chapter 2: Journey

Interesting start to race introductions, though I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that your elves (so far) seem to meet up to the trope-type elves. The Tuan are an interesting touch.

Typo: "It's back luck to speculate," (back should be bad.)

Your general writing quality holds through, but while you're very talented with words, there wasn't really anything in the first two chapters -- or the prologue -- that demanded I turn the page. You have your characters in safe, happy parts of their life, although each one has some uncertainties to cope with. These uncertainties weren't really enough to make me go, "I must turn this page."

The promise is definitely there, and there is a lot to like about your writing style. I think if you work on your hook and your page to page cliffhangers, you'll really transform this into something really, really good.

I read through the end of Chapter 2 in one sitting, but it was at this point where ther ewas nothing to really, really hold me into these characters. I will back this for a bit, and I will be curious to see what you manage to do with this story.

Good luck!

Kelsey,

You have created a very imaginative and detailed world. This is good old fashioned fantasy. I enjoyed reading it very much. Your writing is strong and entertaining, as are your characters. I want to know more about them and the world they live in. I love the cover, and the short and long pitch are spot on. I have no trouble backing this work. Message me if you upload more.
Below are my critque notes by chapter. In some cases I included only my comments. In others, you will find a portion of your text (to help you locate it in the original) followed by my correction/suggestion in paranthesis.

Prologue/Ch 1: what is the wall? I was confused that the creature couldn't fly over it until I found out later that it was a dome. You may want to explain this better upfront.
Ch. 2: The story is to telling in beginning with all the description and setting. Need to know the character before the world. Need reader to feel connected to girl. She is in the carriage with her sister. I strongly suggest you describe the world and setting through a dialogue between them. This way the reader is shown, not told, about the world and gets to know the characters right off.
Police force is odd term for fantasy. Castle guard or city watch more fitting.
Scene with Jeroen is far more interesting than the prossession. Why not start the story here.
Sound of trumpets sounding (this is redundant)
Ch 3: don't use his or her when in the POC of a male just use him/he
Did you mean its bad luck?
Ch 4: are the twins 16 (as in ch2) or 18 (as in ch4)?
The storyteller telling the story of the Faeyte could use more embellishment to match the girls description of his story.
Ch 5: eager to reach its (the) source
Faeytes must have (a) great plan
Feel more connected to this mc than to twins. Need to develop them more.
Ch 6: knew father would sent (send) him off
Ch 7: though they (it) made her feel
Allayna found the closest authority figure she could find. (Double usage of found/find, try another word)
Ch 8: no one asks her about eavesdropping? A princess would have her own horse.
because he was an orphan (can you explain this, I found it confusing) Also, this story is long. Perhaps you could mix it up with Melora asking more questions.
They supposedly fought quarreled, They both sad in silence (these statements make no sense)
Another age reference for 16.
Ch 9: missing chapter title
convinced you of (delete of) otherwise
gave Allayna (a) bitter taste
blanketed (a/the) bright moon
Ch 10: no chapter title. Ending was confusing as it appears she was shot and saved by the same people.

I really enjoyed reading this. Good luck with it and keep me updated.

Ryan Holmes
Age of Resurgence

Plot: Good--showed an antagonist in the first chapter, and the protagonists and their goals were revealed in chapters two and three--right off the bat like they should be.

Characters: The twin sisters remind me of the sisters in Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility"--one being highly practical and the other a hopeless romantic and daydreamer. I don't know too much about your villain, but I know that he has a definite goal in mind and will stop at nothing to reach it. And then there's Torrin...I don't know too much about him yet, but I like him. I'm very interested to see what part he has to play in the story.

Storyworld: You're obviously a thinker. So far, your storyworld seems internally sound and consistent, which is essential for this genre. Also, you've thought through the political scheme of the time, and I noticed significant cultural differences between the people groups.

From what I've read so far, I applaud you. I only noticed a few typos/misspellings, which others have pointed out already. Keep up the good work! When you put more up I'll have more to say, but am VERY interested to see how this story turns.

Bek Mars--author of DarkStar

Interesting story, but it could be more, I cannot place my mind on it yet, but there is more here? :)

Hi Kelsey

I read the prologue and first two chapters. I think this is very solid writing. However, I have a few comments/criticisms I hope may help. Alternatively, if you think I'm on crack, please feel free to ignore me :)

- "unsuspecting small child" ... The word small is unnecessary, I think. And breaks the flow. You say she is almost lost in the grass a little later. That's enough.

- "teeth ached" ... If I was being pedantic I'd say you were ascribing emotions to something incapable of feeling them. That's a choice for you to make, but be aware that it will raise some reader's hackles or eyebrows. Also the idea of teeth aching just made me grin a little,

- "absently" ... again, a word that makes me pause. I know it has multiple meanings but I think it's been over used in the sense that you mean it and again you might want to think about re-thinking

- Names ... I know you have conceived of a whole world here, but as a reader I found myself a little lost and distracted by the steady stream of exotic names. At times it felt like you were saying "Hey! Reader! I've got all these names and I'm DAMN STRAIGHT gonna use them. And I will be asking questions later." At the start of chapter two, if you simply said "plains" and :mountains", it would make the detour through Reethwell and Oberane easier to swallow.

I guess what I'm really saying is that although you can write rich, descriptive prose, you don't always have to. And that sometimes if you slow the release of information to the reader you make it easier for her to continue reading.

I hope this helps.

Evie

This book reminds me of other fantasy books I have read in its style and pace. That's a good thing--it's not overly surprising to the reader. This is a story I could easily relax and read on a rainy afternoon.

-Judith B. Shields

Faeyte. Notes.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/16626/faeyte/read-book/?chapterid=168081#chapter

A High Fantasy that doesn't strive for effect with overblown language is always refreshing to read. The writing has a gentle ease and an elegiac quality that is quite distinctive, though the tone sometimes seems at variance with the characters and their situation, as if you aren't quite inhabiting them, but are observing them.

It is hard to be categorical with so few chapters here, but it seems that the plot has purpose and meaning.

Characterisation is light, but there is enough to give the imagination the kick-start it needs to flesh out the details. I think it is usually good to give the reader as much scope for their imagination as you can, whenever you can. The tricky bit is knowing what to let them loose on. I think you do pretty well on this score.

I will admit at the outset that this is not quite to my taste, but I can understand that people who like Guy Gavriel Kay and writers of his ilk may well find it exactly to theirs.

I had a quick look at some of the criticism from other people, to make sure that I don't harp on about the same things, and I noticed JayG's contribution. I have to say that I managed to read a few lines of his writing, before I ground to a halt . . . It wasn't the sort of thing that I would bother to essay a critique for, as I am not a masochist.

The prologue is short, and all the better for that (I have an aversion to prologues--my problem, not yours). It sets up a mystery and a threat and a feeling of suspense with economy.

Chapter 1.

The writing is clear and evocative, it flows well. The principal characters and some motivation are established by a combination of action and reminiscence, the pacing is leisurely and works with the 'feel' of the writing.

The twin's father, King Menlos, along with the members of the court, were . . . because of the commas, the subject here is the king, and despite the royal We, he is singular, so it should be 'was' expected, but this makes the sentence feel a little awkward, I would rephrase this if it were mine.

There was one inportant person, Melora noticed . . . We are in Melora's head, you don't need the Melora noticed here.

Allayna could out fence some of his best knights . . . I would hyphenate out-fence, as to all intents and purposes it is a compound word here--I may be wrong.

The interplay between the two sisters is nicely drawn, the milieu is established in the narrative, which is much more to my taste than a bald description. The relationships of the court to each other and to the people is limned with a few deft touches.

There are a lot of toponyms, I think some of them could be dropped, and a brief description of a river or the nature of the woods could be given instead, involving the senses of the reader in imagining the world.


Chapter 2

A nice change of scene, and nicely involving, with a clear goal and process, so the reader knows the framework for Torrin's anabasis.

The kind of animal the Tuan was often . . . This sentence didn't make sense at first reading, you may want to ask if other people feel the same.

I wasn't convinced by the use of the word telepathy to describe inter-species communication, awfully picky, I know . . .

To him it always had a feeling of mystery, like (as if?) the trees kept secrets.

Among the giant trees . . . I think this should be a new paragraph, and I think the next few sentences could be made a little clearer.

I thought the fortune teller could be a little more Sibyllic in demeanour and speech--more portentuous and less abrupt and straightforward, or maybe just more odd.

Mushrooms lasting eight years? A mushroom ring would grow over that time, but he would have been smaller--I don't know if that could be tied into a sign of the passage of time?

Chapter 3.

. . . served as a background of (to / for?) the stage.

She was a broader woman . . . this made me wonder, broader than what?

The tale of the faerie war could be summarised . . . Ancient history for the characters is also ancient history for the reader. If you have the character be bored, then the reader may catch the boredom, so if you have the ancient history in a 'different voice' from the one that Melora is bored with, as memory, or narration, you are less likely to lose the reader. 'She remembered being excited when she had first heard how . . .'

Chapter 4.

I couldn't understand how Torrin could follow a hawk at trudging pace.

. . . he set about to making a fire. You don't need the 'to' here.

. . . dry brush and leaves for kindle (kindling). His needs seem very similar to those of a human, as did his endurance earlier, could there be more of a difference here? Just a thought . . .

I thought appease was an odd word choice to use when feeding a fire, the more you feed it the more it wants, it doesn't get appeased.

Again, for my taste, I would like more involvement of the senses, a more vivid engagement with Torrin's environment.

Chapter 5.

. . . the clang of metal berating her ears--berating didn't quite seem the mot juste.

. . . and the king's head advisor . . . chief advisor???

. . . you knew father would sent (send) him off . . .

Fine portrayal of the differences between the sisters, and a well-realised depiction of the court.

Chapter 6.

Allayna longed for room to breath(e) . . .

. . . but he was the equivalent to (of) a brother to her.

Chapter 7.

Quite a while to wait for the event that really sparks it, but rather nicely done. I do think you need to think of each characters voice, though, as a lot of the speech seems similar, one to another.

They supposedly fought quarreled over her--fought quarreled?

Possibly more conflict between Colette and Melora? And Colette should be very concerned about her part in Melora's departure being known.

Chapter 8.

"And what would have convinced you (of?) otherwise?"

All that remains is to say thank you, and to assure you that I wouldn't have read all the chapters you posted if I didn't think the writing was worth reading.

Keep it up. Go Aggies.

I am still looking after this on my watchlist, just reading chapter 9. Any more to come?

Faeyte
Backed for it;s potential
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Your words are good, they are strong enough to paint the scene and create a good story. I like the easy style and smooth read. I think you have a good start. If I had to choose a part to change, It would be the repitition of strawberry blond. ...solemnly wound the curl her love had touched around her finger as he had done...something like that....

I will be back to read more....

Review: Faeyte

the first 2 chapters are flawless, engrossed immediately with style and format of dialog.

Chapter 2 you call it the kings police force... I bet you could be more creative than kings police force.

First paragraph chapter3-- groggily. It's a cumbersome word. Not a fan of it.

Stealthily . it takes away from the paragraph

Paragraph begins with.-- Eight years ago he had been exploring the Forrest.--- you use quietly twice in the same paragraph ..Stealthily . it takes away from the paragraph too.


In general words ending with ily --defeat most well written paragraphs.- not all but most. IMO

I enjoyed the fortune teller lady and Torrin sequence. It's great sub-plot and plot modifier.
The interaction with his father is well done

The seeking monster in the intro is well done. Though I'd like to see you expand it a little bit. You have such a way of making it dark and foreboding that it just needs a little more to take it from great to outstanding.

Melora and Jeroen are well thought out characters. I had no problem with there interaction and pace. The sentences with those two are well crafted. 'Are they from a past story. '

The chapter are short. How big is the whole novel?

If you're going to use italics to indicate inner thoughts. Try to make sure the indicator of thought is before the italics. IMO
IE she thought, blah blah blah blah, blah blah. instead of ending it with ,she thought.

Your descriptions is outstanding. I get great mental images of the places and locations the chapters go to and from.

Last part of chapter 3.. the storyteller is showing the readers the world history/ background. Give it some more juice. You can use some theatrics to modify the story teller so his voice does not come off as narration of world history

IMO the storyteller needs at least 100 more words. Even if he's not a MC. This is your opportunity to show the world off to the reader. The use of theatrics will mask the narrators voice of history's recount.

Added to WL. I'd like to see a lot more of this story. I see only 12k posted.

Andrew.
well done, you're ready to start querying

First chapter again a good read, but a couple of thoughts: You can lose some words again for eg. 'detour (on the journey to faeyte) and then '...direct route (to faeyte) - we know where they are going, and this is repetion and jarred.

One comment I had is that you have a great many names - of people, places and events here all in few paragraphs. We have to take on board names, social status, relationships etc etc all very quickly, and I think what I'd have liked a little more of was to be able to get to know the characters better - perhaps by them making observations that show their natures, rather than the writer telling me things and all these names of people I knew nothing about yet.

Having said that, it all sounded very exciting and densely populated, full of events and setting, so I'm not being negative, rather saying what took me out of this story that is so enjoyable.

Chapter 3 - straight into character with the elf waking up to his journey - great. I did wonder why he hadn't already packed since he knew this journey was coming and its vital to have the right supplies. You could have made the fact he hadn't part of showing us his character - and when his mother asks is he all packed, we'd know he wasn't really. You show the place he lives and his family and I felt that I knew him well as he set off. I'm really enjoying this read, and will carry on tomorrow as it's near bedtime here. Hope the comments are ok - I mention only what I, as a single reader noticed. It's a great story generally, which I'm enjoying.
Cariad
STONES.

Ok. Prologue - fast paced, tantalising, tense, full of hooks. A couple of comments from this reader:

beginning - 'small, unsuspecting girl..' sounds more powerful than 'unsuspecting small girl' (to me)
Love the flowers and the innocent activity contrasted with the nasty intentions of the beast. Like the question aised by 'unnatainable prey.'

I think when you describe the beast that - '.. razor sharp teeth ached to crush...' rather than '(The) razor sharp teeth (of the creature) we know its the creature)) is more immediate and menacing for losing the unneeded words. Also 'feast on the tender meat (of the child) - again, we know its the child and it weakens the image to say so.

When you mention the creature landing on a rock outside the wall, it confused me - I thought it couldn't get outside the wall to eat the child?

Love the hook - if it kept its promise - it has the oooh factor. What promise, to whom?

Great start.

Kelsey,
I relish your exquisite descriptions throughout Faeyte. It's such an imaginative story which takes the reader to a whole new dimension. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with enthusiasm.

Killer opening. You give us a hint of your descriptive power and the danger that lurks, unknown to the characters we meet in chapter one. Very nicely done.
~Zero, No Title Needed

Beautiful.... Beautiful fairytales. My favorite novels of all time, Kelsy Fayete is a mesmerizing piece, I love your synopsis, your book cover is hautingly beautiful, and I'd definitely buy it from a bookshop.
Wishing you best of luck
Sincerely
Helen
The Last Dream

Hi Kelsey, The contrast between the scene outside the wall and the festivities was a good lead-in. And the detail about the realm kept me reading as it makes a nice landscape while the girls are traveling. This has an interesting theme since, after the prologue, the father might be putting Jason into fatal danger. I was curious to find out how the twins would develop in knowing about their father’s schemes. An enticing beginning! Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I love the premise, the cover, the book name, your main characters name--basically, if i saw this in the bookstore I would pick it up. So I started to read. The prologue was wonderfully written. You set the mood for the book and give an idea of other-worldliness to your story. Scary to think that creature may be set free. you also left enough unanswered questions for the reader to keep reading: who captured the creature? what promise did he make? When will he be set free?

This was extremely easy to read. A pleasure to back.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

There's a very creepy beginning to this one. Maybe you use 'the creature' too often? I really like the story and didn't spot any grammatical glitches or typos in what I read. And I am very pleased to see you know the difference between it's and its ... I'm not a YA, but will certainly read more.

What a wonderful imagination you have. I thought the prologue worked very well - hugely menacing and your first chapter is just a joy to read. Very fluid, accessible prose displaying a great sense of time and space. your world is highly magical and Melora is fully realised from the opening chapters. You also have a lovely turn of phrase (smiles mocked melora's hidden sadness!). great stuff. In short, this is perfectly crafted for your target audience and I am delighted to back it.
carl
The Time Hunters

A very powerful beginning constrating well with the colour and charm of the first chapter. some very good descriptive passages building a rich picture of a world view.
Torrin and the fortune teller drew the reader on to a plot that promises to be full of excitment.

Kelsey, your prologue was powerful enough to sweep me into the first chapter. Good job overall. I can't fault anything in these two sections.

Pleased to support your book.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a good story. I thought from your pitch, this was going to be a gentle story. So your first chapter really snapped up my head. Overall, you've created a good fantasy world here and obviously know it well because you're able to describe it in detail. Giving us details is good because that is what makes it sound authentic. And makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Kelsey, I love that your story has fiction & fantasy which is a good mix. :) It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

I love YA and I loved this. I left off on chapter 4 and you've done a great job here.

Good read!

Lockjaw

What a compelling story of adventure and sacrifice. Love the cover. Backed
NAC

“It” is very mysterious, and redundant. And since a paragraph or two later you allude that it is a creature with bat-like wings I don’t think it’s identity needs to be so secretive.

I’m not sure if this is breaking a grammar rule or not, but you change tenses in the same paragraph. EX: They had left the high, stone walls that surrounded the Graenor and the castle.... ( Past Perfect) EX: Melora dismounted her tan mare and approached the mare—(Simple Past )

“You know (it’s) better (that) he’s gone.”

The back story isn’t really integrated smoothly or evenly. (There’s a bunch of it in chapter 2.) The scene transitions in chapter 4 aren’t very smooth either.

The characters internal conflicts could be expanded on more since I had a hard time sympathizing with the characters.

You did a great job establishing the setting and employing vivid language, strong verbs, and the five senses in your prose.

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

A book I see many young women enjoying (and definitely a book I would add to my collection). You open with beautiful imagery, although excessive use of the pronoun "it" weakens the opening chapter just a bit. In chapter 3, the paragraph with "would sent" needs some work to correct a few errors and some awkward wording. Try to avoid using passive tense (was/had, etc.). Every other note I have is a reading note that you answered (King M knows Mel overheard about Jeroen, etc.).

Backed.

JLux
Finding Letta

This is thoroughly well done. You have a wonderful voice that's perfect for your YA audience. Congratulations! Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Wow! What a powerful visual your prologue induces. Wonderful imagery.

Not usually a fan of fantasy, but this was well done. I'm also not a Pro-Prologuer, but yours was terrific.
backed
Genevieve

Oh, wonderful! The prologue sent chills down my spine. Gracefully written, I can see every scene as if I'm standing in it. Well done.

Oooh. Sold! I love fantasy stories! This is very good. Everyone seem to pop right out of the book, well done. I look forward to reading some more of this.

Hey Kelsey,
Thought I'd check out your book because there's not very much YA out there. I'm glad I did.
I really liked your storyteller at the end of chapter one. It didn't feel too heavy for backstory and it left me curious enough to read on.
I think my only nitpick was 'the tenderness of his kiss". It's just such a cliche and overused. But that's just my opinion.
Good luck with this,
shelved.

Dear Kelsey Mitsdraffer,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your first page brought a mephistophelean smile to my face. Something evil stalking a girl on the highlands: What could be better? I’m glad to hear the king will let one of his daughters rule. So a wall traps people inside the kingdom? If this is a big deal you may want to mention it in your pitch. You meant, “she snuck a peek”, not “peak”. An interesting idea, that the Faeries would annihilate themselves and use their magic to create the Walls for peace, but that now might be entrapping. Again, if this is significant, I’d suggest putting it in your pitch. In my fallible opinion, a few more spicy details would make your pitch even more enchanting.

I can tell you enjoy writing, and I urge you to continue. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Creepy beginning that makes it an enticing read and forces the reader to delve further into your terriffic story.

Well done.

Happily shelved

Melxx
Impeding Justice

I usually avoid YA books because reading them involves trying to put myself in the mind of someone of your target age and I don’t know how well I can do that. What drew me to Fayete was the opening piece where the monster’s point of view is used so effectively. The evil one, salivating over its innocent prey is a great way to give a fresh look at the tired medieval-like-kingdom-and-magic them that has been done so many times over.

Good luck with it


A.P. Constantin
The Crystal Butterfly Club

Overall: This work contains minor flaws, but it’s fundamentally very good stuff. It is far too modest a goal to just shoot for feedback. The author should shoot for publication with this. I read and commented on Chapters One and Two.

Missed compound adjectives: razor-sharp, lower-order, out-fence

The author needs a little work on comma placement.

----Conan the Grammarian

I’m going to give a stream-of-consciousness review as I go through this. As much like a reader as possible.

Chapter 1.

From the description, “it” is presumably a dragon, since this is a fantasy. Unless “it” is NOT a dragon, I don’t see any purpose in hiding what “it” actually is.

The situation with “the Wall” is thoroughly confusing. What does this Wall surround? The entire country? The mountaintop? The dragon is trapped inside a Wall on a mountaintop? My first thought was the dragon was INSIDE the mountain somehow. A description of where the Wall is and what it surrounds is really needed.

Other than those minor faults, this is just about perfect.

Chapter 2

First para: Not completely clear Melora is riding in the carriage.

Second para:
“could calm Melora, however.” “however” is wordy and weakens the sentence. Suggest removing “however.”
“He rode” Suggest “The king rode”
“Melora, however” Second occurrence of word “however” in same paragraph. Suggest removing “however.”

Third para
“a display of power instead of goodwill” VERY impressive. The author displays a knowledge of politics and power beyond her years.
“In short” Suggest removing “in short.”Note how story doesn’t change.

Fourth para

Suggest an addition for perfect clarity.
“There was one important person, Melora noticed, absent from the procession. Jeroen, son of the head of her father’s police force, was not to be seen.” Something like this to make it more clear.

“Joreon HAD GROWN up in the castle with Allayna and Melora” Since the act of Joreon growing up began and ended in the distant past, past perfect is required. “but they HAD ENDED up”, “and HAD TRAINED them,” “HAD not only LEARNED”,”but HAD EXCELLED”,”HAD PICKED up”
Third appearance of word “however.”

Fifth para:
“Melora HAD FOUND herself”
Fourth appearance of word “however.”
“HAD COME the week before.”

Sixth para
It is NOT clear what the Wall’s position is. “The Wall stood between them and the ocean.” At first, I thought the Wall extended into the ocean, perpendicular to the beach.

Since the Wall is a very important element in this story, there needs to be an explicit description fairly soon of just what it is and what it covers. The reader is also likely to wonder just WHY the Wall is there and who put it there, but that can come later.

Hmm, we also need some indication of how old Melora, Allayna, and Jeroen are. Late teens? Early twenties?

Seventh para – Ninth para
Fine.

Tenth para
All this information would be much better put in dialogue. Also, there’s a definite lack of emotion. Her love is being sent away to war, and there’s basically no reaction on her part. Yes, you say “look of horror,” but it needs to be emphasized in dialogue.

“Oh, Joreon!” she cried, putting her wrist to her brow and swooning into his arms. “The Fortress! No, please, my love, not the Fortress! Every week the kingdom resounds with the most terrible tales of the monsters to be found there!”

(Yes, I’m being facetious. This does not fit Melora’s character. One thing crystal-clear about Melora is how fundamentally tough and smart she is.)

On the other hand, I could easily be completely full of it on this one. The audience for this is teen-age girls, and they could relate to this and see emotion in it in a way a grumpy old white guy doesn’t.

Eleventh para – Fourteenth para
Fine. Boy, you handled the flashback perfectly.

Fifteenth para – Sixteenth para
“Allayna glanced at her sister.” POV shift within a scene. This and the next six sentences are from Allayna’s POV. This is a real big no-no. Up until now, IMO, an editor was still reading. But with this particular mistake, he just put this aside with a regretful sigh.

Seventeenth para
“Melora simply gave---“ POV shift, back into Melora’s head.

Eighteenth para.
Fine. Great last sentence.

End Scene I, on to Scene II

Nineteenth para
It works, but you could also slip the Ranaleen stuff into dialogue, and it would go down easier.

Twentieth para
Fine.

Twenty-first para
“It was said” Passive voice. Here it implies doubt such a thing could actually happen, and I don’t think that’s what you want it to mean.

Twenty-second para
Fine. Great last sentence.

End Scene II, on to Scene III

Twenty-third para
I might insert “the storyteller said” in there somewhere, in the interests of clarity. Okay, we are about to be filled in on just what kind of land this place is.

Twenty-fourth para
“however” raises its ugly head again.

Twenty-fifth para.
Yee-ouchies, yet another “however,” in the very next sentence.
“One of these fairies, Avonaco, was known to be---“ The addition of “Avonaco” connects this sentence to the next sentence.

Twenty-sixth para
Avonaco MASSACRED his own race? He committed GENOCIDE? And this guy is a HERO? How many did he kill? Fifty, sixty, a hundred thousand? Ain’t gonna happen. IMO, an editor’s gonna give you a choice. Change this, or no sale. This kind of thing does NOT belong in a high-fantasy book aimed at teen-age girls.

Twenty-seventh para
Fine.

Twenty-eight para
The last three sentences constitute a POV shift, from third person limited to omniscient.


My $0.02. As always, I speak with the calm confidence of someone who has never sold a word.

The cover is wonderful and those succinct pitches work very well. The idea of a Princess able to hold her own with the boys will go down very well with YA girls in particular and there's a great blend of adventure, fantasy and intrigue here. The end of chapter three when Melora puts on her darkest clothing, picks up her bow and arrows and sets off into the night to find and warn Jeroen is very well written and a great hook demanding the reader keeps on turning the pages.
Well written, well constructed and well judged, this goes on my shelf.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Just so that you know, I have my own way of commenting. Instead of reading through and then commenting at the end I am making notes as I go along just as if I was looking at a book in a shop or a library. I only ever comment as a reader anyway, and this seems to work quite well and apart from anything else, it is fun. Hope you are happy with that.

If this is a return read, I will comment on grammar etc., but only in an effort to be helpful and I trust that you will accept these comments in the same spirit as they are given.

Love your cover and your pitches work well

Great start – very gripping and intriguing

The writing is very proficient and the scenes are set well. I like the MC she had spirit and feistiness. The only thing I do wonder about up to now is that the “daughters being treated as boys and excelling at the arts of combat may be a bit of a cliché. The rest of the premise is far from a cliché though I am enthralled by the existence of the “Wall”. We already have the tendrils of a romance which is lovely and I think very appealing to your target audience.

The pace is good and this seems to me to be a very well crafted piece of work. I will back this and will watch with interest as I am sure it will rise up the ranks. Good luck with it – Diane

Faeyte is fantasy written by a young adult for young adult readers, yet the prose comes across as written by someone more mature in chronological years. Adventure, a strong-willed princess, a perfect tone of fantasy that doesn't go over the top. Call it a mix of reality and myth, if you will. Both on my shelf and Today's Pick I Like for 2/19/10: http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2010/02/todays-pick-i-like-21910.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Kelsy

It hovered and watched in agony .......mmm....expectant desire, or forceful yearning,,,,,,popped into my head instead of agony....

Rising above the distant Ulon Mountains in the East, the rosy sunlight gave the plains a soft glow. Shimmering waves of grass crashed upon the gravel road........(this conjures fabulous imagery).....Loved it.

I saw no need for the word 'however' if fact I became concious of overseeing it, and to be honest, it irritated....

Not even the peaceful atmosphere could calm Melora, (however.)
Melora,( however,) wished her father was not so political
Her most memorable ride with him, (however), came the week before she left for Faeyte.
This storyteller, (however), had of way of dramatizing the tale.......typo.......had (a) way of dramatizing

This is a well crafted balance of myth and reality....I enjoyed the read.

Shelved.

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

At my age I thought I had got beyond fantasy, fairies and beasts, but this was a rollicking good read. Perhaps the only weakness I found was the character development. I know this is a fantasy tale, but try not to make me imagine what the characters look like early on in the story. What did Jaerad and Melora look like? More details please. But I definitely Back this story. Very tight writing and good storytelling from one so young. Keep it up. You will be a great writer in years to come.

Kelsey,
You have a real gem of a tale here. Your writing itself, is outstanding. I am very, very impressed with you. I think the premise, structure and scope of your novel are all excellent. I would humbly suggest (as I'm no expert, am only a reader!) that you spread out your information a bit more so as not to distract from the excitement of the story.
Truly though. Great work. I am very happy to back this and I wish you the best of luck.
Tracy
The Guardians

I LOVE this. And I rarely say that about anything I read on this site.

Shelved!

OK, I heard good things about this so I came expecting to be stunned. I love fantasy too, so bonus.

The prose itself is fantastic. Well done.

The opening? Meh. OK, boring. It’s a lot of explaining before anything happens. And I personally don’t count an emotional parting between people I’m not emotionally invested in yet as “something happening”.

The first chapter ends with a whimper. Nothing page turning there.

I’m torn. I want to like this. The actual prose is flawless. But it moves so quickly, so much explanation interspersed with, quick snippets of action without giving me enough of the character or mood to draw me into that emotion. I wanted to ache with her when Jeroen’s death was announced but I just couldn’t feel it.

It’s a good start. Work on fleshing out the scenes. Build up the mood, the atmosphere, the emotion so that we’re there with them and feel what they feel and are dying to know what happens to them. You could go very far with talent like this.

Best of luck to you.

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

Fantastic. My kind of story. I was surprised to see how young you are. This is a beautiful story you have here. You should do well. Your cover is stunning. Beautiful. Your descriptions are well done, too. Backed with pleasure.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight