Eternal Darkness

I've read the first chapter so far and it seems appealing. You have the tone of a teenager spot on. I like it and can't wait to see how it turns out once you edit the rest of the story! I'm putting you on my watchlist. Please check out my story "Hybrid Love", it's a vampire/werewolf romance fantasy. Hopefully, you'll like it.

Is this YA (saw you mention it on another author's page) It reads adult, but older end of YA would love this. Great atmosphere and suspense - there's a lot going on that's hinted at - Madeleine for one, the strange place she's gone to live and the laughter when she's welcomed to her new home. Writing is good, dialogue works. Shall enjoy finishing the read, watchlisted while I do it.
Cariad.

I enjoyed the four chapters I read, it reminded me of a gentler True Blood in a way. YA readers will love it.

I think you should flesh out the part where Scarlet meets Sam, describe Sam more, the diner where she tries to get a drink, the man behind the bar etc. It's potentially a very good scene, but I'd like to know where it is - I presume in the US - but which state?

On my shelf and good luck with your book :)

Berni
Renegades

This is a great, fun read! And I'm SO glad someone FINALLY realized the donation solution. I do like also that relations are tough but thank goodness someone thought of blood donations.

Anyways, great opening, especially with the dad. That was terribly sad but very evoking. I do have to point out though that you switch tenses sometimes, from present to past, and even though you're describing something, I still find it a bit annoying (this is my personal preference so feel free to ignore it if you wish). And I do wish you'd have a little more meat in the story, as in, describe a little more, especially introducing Sam and Madeleine. It would be nice. :)

Anyways, very interesting! Backed and star rated for now! I'll be back to read more. :)

Dear J.F.Johns,

Thanks for giving me more interest in vampires. Now what am I going to do? I haven't written about them, at least in this life, but I know that they must be around or else people wouldn't be writing about them. I see nothing wrong with your fun. The vampires don't have as much fun probably as myself, the reader. Thank you.
Thank you for your interest in my books too!

Billy McBride

How is the writing coming along for Eternal Darkness? I have read all that you have posted and was hoping to read more on where things go with Eric and/or Andrew.
Amy J
A RISING MOON

the first four chapters were good. i liked scarlet and the steady build of the story.

i highly recommend that you edit the comma mistakes in the story. you are missing the commas at the end of dialogue; i.e. 'she's so lucky' lu said . . . should read 'she's so lucky(,)' lu said . . .; the other consistent mistake i saw was where a direct address in dialogue wasn't set off. hypothetical example -- "don't do that sam," she said. should read "don't do that(,) sam," she said. a general rule to follow is talking TO a person comma, talking ABOUT someone no comma.

other than the comma mistakes, this is a great story so far.

me

Very accessible prose and a very strong character in Scarlet highlight this great addition to the genre. I liked your use of first person very much and wish you all the best with this.
Carl
The Time HUnters

Very interesting twist with the party and Andrew sticking up for Scarlet. It seems as if Andrew is hinding some kind of secret himself. I wish there was more interaction between them at the party before the fight interrupted them. I'm also waiting for Eric to make a move on her.
Will keep on my watchlist to see what ahppens next, but are enjoying it so far.
Amy J

Your dialog seems authentic to its age group, and the writing seems directed at a YA market. I hope this does well for you; happy to back it.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Fair Critters

Chapter 1: I’d cut ‘The day’ from the second paragraph. It’s implied by the first sentence.

Might consider taking out some of the scene setting about the town and dripping this in, little by little, later on?

I like the ‘voice.’ It seems fitting for a seventeen year old girl.

Repetition: ‘for centuries’. I’d cut the first because it jars with the thought about the Victorian windows.

African American girl’s description is too obvious. We know she is black, her description only confirms this. Either cut the physical description altogether (preferred option) or tell us what is unique about her.

Not sure about a sneer reaching across the room.

I like your last line.

Chapter 2

‘I always thought vampires sucked….’ Might be better to say ‘being a vampire sucked…’

The narration telling of how your MC kills her father works well.

My overall feeling is that you need to get straight in with some kind of scene much earlier on; something that establishes the MC’s conflict. You could start with the killing of her father. This would make a dramatic opening and make more sense chronologically.

Your got a good voice and an interesting MC, keep refining this.

I hope there is more to come as I have read all 9 chapters and can't wait to see what happens next.
Amy J

I'm perusing pitches and openings today. Your pitch has a lot of promise. This sounds like a story I would enjoy. Your punctuation needs work. You had some great lines in here. The pace is perfect for your target audience. With a little elbow grease and some polish this could be a good book for those looking for something after "Twilight". Backed :)
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

Sounds like an intense story filled with ups and downs. Backed
NAC

Hey JF first off let me say that I think the premise of this story is very good and different from that of other Vamp novels, and I love your character interaction. It is written well. I have not read your comments so if I am repeating something that someone else has already said forgive me. However I think your writing could be stronger outside of your character's speech. Doing some minor sentence restructering could take this from a good book to an amazing one. In writing remember this, everything has a purpose...everything names places ect. ask yourself what is the purpose for every word I write? I will use your first page for an ex. What is the purpose of listing all of the other towns around Sunset Valley...is it to inform the reader that there will be a mass amount of feeding for the Vampires because many people live in the surronding towns? If so tell us. If not omit it. Leaving extra info in makes the story lag and allows the reader to get off track. Also if it does serve a purpose but in Chapter 7 mention it there, cut and paste it bc most likely we will have forgotten that you mentioned it in the beginning. Also the over abundance use of I. Here is the tricky part using a first person narritive and believe me it has only recently been a wake up call for me but once pointed out I changed. I was told to write as if I was showing not telling the story. that is ambiguous I know. lets take two of your paragraphs in the first page once more. The one that starts with "My mother died when I was eight.... and the paragraph "That life left me when I was around fifteen.... I like these two bc you have used age here as a reference but they are completely different wording. Can you guess which one is telling and which one is showing?? Well your are prob right...the second is showing the reader, see the word usage. Here is a trick I learned take all of your sentences with I and try to restructure them using me instead....ahhh that is hard you say, but it can be done in many of them. You have used me in the second sentence. you can even remove the word "me" and it still makes sense. You could have just as easliy said I left that life when I was fifteen, but look at the difference in the structure...It is amazing I am there with her watching her life leave from her....not being told about it;) Using has its place, just not over and over again. Take time out to revise, try not to repeat the same words or phrases too much from paragraph to paragraph...The day ...and The day...are redundant. from paragraph one to the Second. Just switch it up usuing all of the same words. Arriving at sunset valley was probably the coldest day... And doing that draws the reader in. Good luck with this Leah;)

I last time I told a young lady that her punctuation was absent and that using a different font to emphasis a word was not condoned by trained editors, I was told that was bullshit. So heaven forbid that I attempt to tell anybody they do not have it right.
Your plot is unique in Vampire genre. That is a good starting place. From there I imagine you want somebody to read it, like it and publish it. There is long way to go. Readers use things like commas and closure of quotation marks so they understand what is being said.
Fix the punctuation and you will have made a good start.
All the very best. This is a popular genre and you have a shot at success.

Dear J.F, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up. Could you please take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :)
Love, Susie :)

Dear J.F., I love science fiction. :) In my 2 books you will see that I have lupus - I'm so weak that I feel like a vampire has sucked all of my blood out of me. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

The story comes at the vampire theme from an angle that seems refreshing and creative. To have a vampire roaming the earth feeling rejected and unloved is unlike some of the recent shows, movies, and books. Further, it’s a female protagonist.

It sounds like she’s had a horrific life, between beatings and deaths. To think she became immortal by a nurse’s bite is another unique twist.

There’s lots of potential for this story, but a little elbow grease would change it from another vampire story to a novel on the shelf. First, writing in first person is difficult. It’s easy to get inside the protagonist’s head and stay there. Try taking two chapters in this book and writing it in third person. Use a narrator that gets inside of her head, but focuses on the action as if narrating a sporting event. Make it immediate so we’re standing on the set with these characters as they create the movie. There’s a strong storyline going. Keep refining it.

Enjoy your Authonomy experience ~ Toby

This is an interesting pitch with a new slant on the Vampire theme. It's been discovered that Vampire blood can cure humans. So a law has been passed, whereby Vampires donate blood, and humans do so too, and they can exchange it. But there are still the Slaughterers, out to kill all Vampires regardless. Scarlet's experience with her father when she first becomes a Vampire, through the nurse Wendy, is horrifying. Then comes the attack in the car park, and the meeting with the strange, yellow-eyed boy. This is exciting and intriguing. Scarlet is an interesting character, and one we can sympathise with. Sam is a very likable guy, kind and helpful. You have an interesting and individual cast of characters, and a fast moving plot which works well. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Very interesting. I love what seems to be a love triangle starting between Scarlet, Eric and Andrew. Can't wait to see what happens at the party.

Amy J
Remember the Night & A Rising Moon: The Promise

Hi J.F.

Please allow me to help you with the pitch:

First, I think you could come up with a more solid hook. Something that really grabs the reader. Sorry, bu this one seems kind of cheesy.

As for the long pitch, here are some edits:

Scarlet Lock, a seventeen-year-old who has been a vampire since 1963, wishes to be everything but immortal. Sunset Valley seems like a nice, quiet town to settle down in, but neither vampires or humans are going to let her "live". Scarlet will have to fight to keep being as human as possible while being criticized for being what she most hates (you use the word "being" in this sentence three times). And to make it even worse, she will have to choose who her dead heart belongs to, the vampire or the human boy who is about to turn into her worst enemy.

Add one more paragraph here to give us a glimpse of what is happening. Why is this boy about to become her worst enemy? Tease us with just a bit more info...

Hope this helps.
You're on my shelf!
Andrea, Face the Music

Great premise and interesting storyline! It could use a bit of an edit, but I am happy to support this for potential!

Brittany
My Last Notes

An interesting storyline, but a little rambling, I thought. Maybe needs some work. And there's a technical issue, that dialogue should be separated from the 'he said' part, with a comma. eg. He said, "Jump." Or "Jump," he said. Note the comma. Good luck with your book. It is always an achievement to write a book, even if it takes five books before there is commercial success. Marj.

Hello,
This is not my genre at all but I will back a back that is not my genre if it stands out. Your cover is awesome but my suggestion would be to liven up your story. Maike it more interesting. Give me a reason to want to read on. Hope this helps. Waitlisted for now but I will read more later. Lisa

Hello,
This is not my genre at all but I will back a back that is not my genre if it stands out. Your cover is awesome but my suggestion would be to liven up your story. Maike it more interesting. Give me a reason to want to read on. Hope this helps. Waitlisted for now but I will read more later. Lisa

Hello,
This is not my genre at all but I will back a back that is not my genre if it stands out. Your cover is awesome but my suggestion would be to liven up your story. Maike it more interesting. Give me a reason to want to read on. Hope this helps. Waitlisted for now but I will read more later. Lisa

Hello,
This is not my genre at all but I will back a back that is not my genre if it stands out. Your cover is awesome but my suggestion would be to liven up your story. Maike it more interesting. Give me a reason to want to read on. Hope this helps. Waitlisted for now but I will read more later. Lisa

ok, you have the beginnings of an inbteresting story here. i have not read enough to comment on plot structure, but yiou have all the elements a strong narrative. I would move quicker and try ton weave some plot structure in your expostion on the front end. the character development is good, but it needs a little more plot woven in(just a suggestion.) i still think this would flow better in third person, but that a style issue and better left up to you. judging from the pitch outline, this is definately a story that could be made into a movie someday. I look forward to your feedback for The AGe of Rhinestone. cheers, and goodluci with your manuscript my friend

Anything new coming for Scarlet? Would love to see more.

Amy J
Remember the Night & A Rising Moon:The Promise

I'm intrigued by this is a big way. Love Vampy stuff, but sometimes find everything a bit samey. This was not the case when reading Eternal Darkness. You introduce your location well and I feel like I'm getting to know your characters already! Well done and backed :)

When I read the first few chapters the imagine of the story came through clearly. My daughter would enjoy reading this as well. This should do well when it get's publshed. Backed with pleasure

Eternal Darkness

This has some bite (sorry)
This is an interesting take on Vampires; the first person narrative helps engage with Scarlet (just be aware of the over use of I) You have a good story here that has come from a highly imaginative mind, I sense something special developing here – Good luck

I"m not the best critiquer (see can't even spell that!) but I can tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed this book! There are so many vamp stories and everyone has made them unique somehow, that's what always keeps it interesting! You've got a strong heroine ahd I like and am involved in eought to want to keep reading. I think fans of the genre will love this and your strong writing will pull in some who are not fans. Well done though.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

What an imaginative Story! Good characters, good setting, good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

While it needs some editing, this shows potential.

I noticed when you end a segment of dialogue, you don't include any punctuation, e.g. 'Bite me' Sam whispered . . . should be 'Bite me,' Sam whispered - comma inside the quote marks (or full stop, question mark, etc., accordingly).

Also, when someone is being addressed by a character in dialogue, their name should be separated from the rest of the sentence with commas, e.g. 'Madeleine please be nice with the girl.' should be 'Madeleine, please be nice with the girl.' If the name was to come mid-sentence, it would be written like this: 'I told you, Madeleine, please be nice with the girl.' So this is the format for handling the names of characters who are being "spoken to". Now, if Madeleine was being "spoken about" to someone else, you wouldn't use commas, e.g. 'I told Madeleine to be nice to the girl.' Hope this is clear?

Anyway, I like your idea and you write quite well, so I will happily back this :) And if you have some time, please stop by to read Requiem :)

M J
Requiem

Love vampire tales with a twist. Good imagery, smooth dialogue, good construction. Vampire blood would be an effective tool for normal humans. The greatest medical breakthrough ever and a good reason for vampires to hide in the darkness. like this a lot.

This is the first ORIGINAL vampire story I've read in a long time. Why hasn't somebody thought of this twist before? I love it. Very engaging and easy to read. I'm happy to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

this is stunning and simply amazing. why isn't it published i wonder. should be

one little error
he ran not he run (referring to the father in chap 2

backed

JF, your first chapter is very well-written. Smooth read. Nothing to nitpick.

Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Eternal Darkness is a vampire tale with a twist - humans are hunting them for their blood rather than the more conventional vice-versa.The first person narrative by Scarlet flows well, and I enjoyed the way you work in her backstory, including the killing of her father, unobtrusively. Overall an enjoyable read. Backed.

This story is based on a very interesting concept giving the reader a fresh perspective on a cult classic. I like what you have done here and look forward to reading more.

H Leigh Cornwell
(Blood Descent)

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

Hi JF,
I like this - very 'cool' and fresh - shelved.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

JF-

Read through Eternal Darkness: a few comments:
1. You've got a great start to a story here. There is a lot of potential to work with in terms of vampires being "out of the coffin," so to speak. I'd like to see more information woven in about when/how vampires came out, the overall mood of society now that this new, somewhat threatening group has emerged. You touch on it (with the kids at school gawking at Scarlett) but I think you can use that to further set the stage. Also, you don't quite explain the allure of Sam for Scarlett - what is she looking for? Does he arrive to save her? How does he even know about her? There's a back story to be developed that will give these characters some context, for the reader and for the story to build on.
2. Your character development is good. I think readers gain a strong sense of who Scarlett is, That Sam has become a father-figure of sorts, that Cassie is open, that Andrew is scared (of his father, of vampires, of making his own decisions??).
3. Your story could benefit from a really good edit. There are some typos, some sentences that are not very precise/clear, and some places where further description/explanation would benefit the story.
4. Your dialogue is very good, however I think it could be sharpened a bit to help move the story along and improve the pacing.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and have backed it. Again, there is some really good stuff here, great potential that I think you can build upon. You obviously have talent, I think your story just needs to be polished so it can shine brighter!

~Laura

Backed.

Lorrii

Positives: Good narrative voice, good dialogue, nice short sentences.
Negatives: Could do with some more specific scene-setting... describe where the action is happening.
Overall: Well suited to a teen audience. You need to get it to 55k words.
Shelved
Frank

Handed this to my Twilight-loving (late) teen and she gave it the thumbs up! Likes the name of your MC too. Jim D Serpent's Blood

There is a nice flow to your writing and you can certainly spin a good yarn.

Great work

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)