We All Fall Down

Anna, I was attracted to your book because I'm fascinated by the First War, and I wasn't disappointed. In your short prologue and first chapter, you have created an almost unbearably poignant atmosphere, that takes us directly, without any hesitation, into the shattering contrast that the war made to people's lives.

Because of its subject matter, the quality of your writing, and the character of Robert as an everyman, your book has an epic quality that is seldom seen these days. Please forgive what is bound to sound like a patronising remark but I am astounded that someone so young and at this long distance in time from the events you describe, is able to write about it so well, so authentically and so convincingly.

The war found authentic voices for the bitterness and betrayal of its young men in narratives such as R C Sherrif''s Journey's End and Erich Maria Remarque's All Quiet on The Western Front. It's as though it has taken until now for someone of a new generation to give an authentic voice to the crippling emotional damage the war did to men's ability to love.

Backed and double backed.

Anna,

Brilliant. This is faultless. You are technically one of the best writers I've ever come across on Authonomy. I have a deeply personal interest in WWI-- both Grandfathers served, and one received his "Blighty" wound at the battle of Vimy Ridge; a battle in which Canada truly came into its own as a Nation. A blood-soaked birth to be sure.

That family history is all but lost, as neither much discussed the horrors of the trenches. There is one Canadian former soldier left and he saw no combat. I think that as 2014 approaches novels such as yours are all the more vital "lest we forget".

Robert is one of the finest characters I've read here-- he is real. He is broken. Food doesn't even make sense any more, never mind love or the niceties of Edwardian England. Your sense of the period is immaculate. I am thrilled to come across this in a sea of books that seem to want to be movies. This allows us to immerse ourselves in a world and read a slow unfolding rather than rush us straight into an unending barrage of explosive action.

I am glad to have stumbled across this and I shelve you with highest honours and a sincere wish that this finds a home with a good publisher. It deserves to be seen.

Ruth/Base Spirits

Anna, welcome. What can I possibly say? This is superb writing. Yes it is. However superb is an adjective that doesn't touch the powerful, gut-wrenching, painful journey I have just taken with your words. Robert is so real, sad, afraid and lost...No man returning from any war ever returns fully. The innocence of pre-war is blown away never able to be recaptured. Lost--lost, caught in a limbo of old memories that just don't fit anymore.

This is an amazing, beautiful and richly crafted book. I will recommend this wholeheartedly to anyone that is willing to leave today behind and take Robert's journey with him.

BRAVO.
Backed with absolute pleasure.
Suzannah Burke

Strong writing and a powerful storyline. On my WL.

You've obviously got a talent for setting the mood and developing characters. There's a real sense of pain and longing here that sets the tone. Although I believe much of the descriptive is incredibly well done (original), it might, in some places, be on the verge of being "descriptive overload". Beauty of that is though ... it's usually easier to take out rather than having to add. Not sure why, but having the playground descriptive in Chapter 1 directly after the introduction seems a little too convenient for me (contrived?). I know I'd love to see it ... because it's just a great analogy for how things have changed ... maybe later in the book? Probably just me - so feel free to ignore :) Very good work!

Anna, we need to talk. We have the same cover illustration.

Every thing in this feels so congruent; the time, place and characters are so aligned. Thought the metaphor around spring and November was very well done
You portrayal of Robert is superb. This is a strong yet very poignant story! – Good luck!

Anna,

Hugely impressed by your wonderfully well-written opening chapter. There's such elegance and poignancy to your words here - 'indolent amber glow', "Smoky purple clouds, like bruises on the slate grey skin of the sky.' Moreover, you seem to have that uncanny knack of putting the right word in the right place for maximum effectiveness in any given sentence. More than happy to give you a run on my shelf.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

Great contrast of the children swinging lazily in the summertime to a gloomy playground on a grey day. The writing is fluid, and Robert is easy to sympathise with from the start. The only tiny comment- in the very first sentence, "sun" and "summertime" was a bit repetitive. You could end the sentence with "its indolent amber glow". Backed.

Anna, I was attracted to your book because I'm fascinated by the First War, and I wasn't disappointed. In your short prologue and first chapter, you have created an almost unbearably poignant atmosphere, that takes us directly, without any hesitation, into the shattering contrast that the war made to people's lives.

Because of its subject matter, the quality of your writing, and the character of Robert as an everyman, your book has an epic quality that is seldom seen these days. Please forgive what is bound to sound like a patronising remark but I am astounded that someone so young and at this long distance in time from the events you describe, is able to write about it so well, so authentically and so convincingly.

The war found authentic voices for the bitterness and betrayal of its young men in narratives such as R C Sherrif''s Journey's End and Erich Maria Remarque's All Quiet on The Western Front. It's as though it has taken until now for someone of a new generation to give an authentic voice to the crippling emotional damage the war did to men's ability to love.

Backed and double backed.

This is a good story. It takes place in 1915 but it's relevant to returning veterans today. For that reason, I think you'll find a wide audience for this. Robert is a sympathetic character. The amount of research you must have done to write this shines through. Makes it a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Anna, your chapter one reads smoothly. Good job. My nit is with the very first line. "Lazily" and "indolent" imply the same thing, so you should drop one of the words.

Happy to back the potential of this story.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is such a huge undertaking and you have wonderfully pulled it off So well done you have a real gift for dialogue and your prose is polished! BACKED
Liz
The Cheech Room

Anna, You have exceptional talent. To tell thisstory with such honest feeling is magnificent. I cannot
find all the necessary words to praise the book. Your prose and description flowsperfectly and keeps the reader hooked. Iam sure it is a winner and I am backing it with true sincerety.
David (Flawless Murder)

Very arresting jacket/cover! And the pitch a big draw! Certainly a book I'd buy. My only criticism would be a tendency to over embellish.

i enjoyed this very much once i got into the story. based on the first chapter i have no problem supporting your manuscript and wish you luck. My book is The Age of Rhinestone and I would appreciate any feedback on chapters 3, 19 or 20 . Also willing to offer feedback to any one who wants it. thanks and I look forward to reader more from you soon. take care

Backed February 6.

Jesse - Savant

Your narrative is pure gold. This is an example of excellent writing coupled with a great story. Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Your description is very vivid: "at the base of the slide a grey, murky puddle had collected and was filled with rotting leaves." This goes on throughout your writing. It really evokes the time period since it reads like a novel from the 19th or early 20th centuries. I love the feeling of not being able to leave "this one reminder of how his life had used to be." As an ex-pat of almost 30 years, I feel that way when I go back to my country and visits places and people with which I was very intimate. You writing leaves with a similar sense, that [my] "old life was unreachable for [me] now - nothing but a memory. And what use was a memory?" When I get some time I want to come back and find out. Shelved for now.

Backed with a big B. Very tight and convincing writing. It pulls no punches.
Best wishes, Barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

This is very lyrical. I especially liked the "indolent amber glow." Really good use of metaphor.

One suggestion I might make is that you have many sentences in the passive voice. If you switched most of these to active voice, the writing will be more powerful and immediate.

Backed,
Kevin Clark
(Will of God)

Lovely lovely writing and a story of importance as all our past history of wars must be remembered.
You are one of those writers who don't just describe their MC but get inside them as you have with Robert. His horror becomes our horror, his grief ours too.
Your deft way with words and the power of your description are to be admired. I comment only as a reader and I found this is a fine story to be read and savoured. Shelved with pleasure. Margaret.

This was an epic read. I have no idea what else to say other than the fact that I absolutely loved what I read, you are an amazing writer and Robert was such a great character. All in all wonderful!

Missy

You write engagingly, lyrically in parts, with a good balance between dialogue and prose passages. You portray eloquently and palpably the emotionally gap between the returning soldier and those he left behind. I did wonder why he is home on leave in 1917, but then I remembered reading Sebastian Barry's 'A Long Long Way' and that the young Irish soldier in that returned to Dublin once or twice on leave.

Personally, I become impatient with prologues because I don't like beginning twice over, and I only became really engaged with your narrative from November 1917. Your description of the playground speaks volumes in itself, and for me, renders the previous section unnecessary. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it.

Good luck with this.

Julia. 9Revolution, I Love You)

Gosh!

This is so good, I don't know what to say. Sorry.

Backed.

Hi Anna,

Great read, backed without hesitation. Just a few rambling thoughts. The selection of a title and book jacket are the first tools an author has to entice a reader to pick up his/her book. In this you excelled.

TITLE - We All Fall Down - A perfect choice

BOOK JACKET PHOTO - the inclusion of a single, red poppy, (the symbol of fallen soldiers and immortalized in the poem In Flanders Fields) on a dull, gray background was perfect.

I must be truthful, time only permits my reading and commenting on the first chapter.

It’s clear you have a special gift. Your descriptive style, i.e. boots crunched among the fiery red carpet of autumn leaves, immediately paints a picture in reader’s minds.

Now, my nit pics:

Should the word war be capitalized? Korean War? Yes. But, this whole beastly War? I’m not sure. My first instinct is no.

“The door, painted blue and warped by the rain,” seems understated. Upon reading this what struck me was despited being protected by paint, one, single rain warped the door. Maybe something like, “The door, in desperate need of a fresh coat of blue paint and warped by autumn’s rains, creaked.” I’m sure with your ability you’ll come up with something better.

A sentence or two to explain how the family came to lose the manor would be helpful. It was too abrupt. Something as drastic as its loss should be explained. I also wondered what the mother was doing with a pair of long, leather gardening gloves tucked in her apron while she was indoors.

Be careful with the descriptive narrative. While beautiful and capable of drawing the reader in, its overuse can quickly become too flowery and slow the pace. You haven’t reach that point, but be aware of it.

I think you did go a bit too far on Robert’s not wanting to abandon his comrades on the front, especially the incident involving his father’s death. Was his relations with his parents that bad he didn’t want to attend? His guilt didn’t ring true.

Two years on the line is not realistic. Units would routinely be rotated, refitted and given leave.

Last paragraph. Great ending. It leaves the reader wanting more.

Ray

Stunning.
This is really good writing - evocative and touching.

Backed without a second thought.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hi Anna
Stopped by as I felt the need for something 'literary'. Hope you may take a look at mine - though the subject is very different, if time allows.
You tell your story with great feeling and have some lovely descriptions - I particularly like 'Lemon light of the morning' and it's very poignant when the old girlfriend turns away. Your cover is gorgeous too and it's good to see something historical on here - first one I've seen I think dealing with WW1. I'm happy to back you but hope you don't mind a few suggestions should you get round to revising your MS.
I think my main suggestion is that you should cut down on adverbs - this is a constant cry from writing teachers so hope I'm not being tto much of a bore. The thing is that they can often be left out to equally great effect. As it is I counted 12 in your prologue! Not that I usallly count (!) but they started to jump out at me. I suppose it's partly fashion, but might be enough to put off an editor or agent. Also found the descriptors in 'harsh grey needles of rain' unnecessary.' Needles of rain says it all. If your book is 155000 you can probably afford to do some judicious editing. Also be aware that you are treading an emotive subject but one that is well trodden. you might need to inject some plot complication to drive your story onwards and get some action going. Iadmit this is something I find hard to do but describing a situation is not enough - the reader wants things to happen. Apologise if I'm just impatient in this case.
Best o fluck with your writng which is clearly something you love, and with this book.
AliB
The Water's Edge
S

Hi Anna, This is painted in such a telling atmosphere. The way that Robert sees things belies his disillusionment and the nightmare memories - especially effective when he looks at nature and its destruction or use. Also effective is Rosaline's attitude and conversation. I begin to wonder is it Robert or is it her? It seems very realistic that he has little to say and simply soaks in the war's effect on his home. I'm curious as to how Rosline sees him, as he is. Very absorbing. You've captured so many emotions here that can't be expressed. Easily shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

You have a subject here which is bound to be of great general interest, taking as you do the setting of the First World War, so poignant and important to so many. I myself am always drawn to books with this setting, and you have evoked it marvellously. Your opening scenes with the light-hearted youngsters playing in the park which still holds so many memories of their childhood, as the bright May sun shines on them; and then moving, symbolically, to the miserable November in 1917, when Robert returns after more than three years of war, are moving and full of emotion. Your descriptions, such as the contrast of Robert's mother's new home, where everything seems unchanged since he left to experience such a different life, are beautifully detailed and effective . Robert's thoughts about God and his meeting with Rosaline take us deeper again into the changes there have been. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Anna:

I am in awe that you could could write Robert's character as well as you have. You captured a tortured soul to perfection. For someone who did not experience what he did , to write about it with such fluidity and grace astounds me.

Beautifully written, beautiful story, backed with pleasure.

Candace Bowen Early ( A Knight of Silence)

Anna,
I've just came acros your wonerfull book, and for one so young,you are a very creative writer, you book is well polished. Declined to come home for his fathers death, I could go on quoting parts of your book that hit home. All I can say, is this is ready to be published and with any luck, an agent will spot. I's a pleasure to back this book
John Foxley Manor

Lady Caverley directed me to your book, partly because of the subject. I am a military historian with a specialist interest in the First World War (although my book on autho is fiction and unconnected with warfare).

The psychological damage done to young men during war, the First World War in particular, is a popular theme for novelists. You juxtapose quite well an experience of combat (not described) with the alien world of civilian life in England. Soldiers do, indeed, have a close affinity with those who have shared their experiences of fighting and that bond is quite different from any other. The closest similarity is that between people who have shared a traumatic experience (such as the survivors of the terrorist bombs on the London Underground). However, it is a misconception that fighting on the Western Front was worse than anything before or since or that trench warfare only occurred in the First World War and no other. The experience of combat on men is complex and does not effect everyone in the same way. Some do not feel that war is hell but are exhilarated by it. On the whole, I think you handle this aspect of the book quite well but I also think you tend a little towards overstating your case.

The Humphries are caricatures and unlike real people. I cannot imagine that anyone would be as crass and stupid as you paint the Humphries. While some of those at home might not have fully understood what was happening in France, they had a better idea than demonstrated by the Humphries, especially by 1917. To me, they are unbelievable.

As far as leave is concerned, it is unlikely that he would not have had home leave by 1917 and he would certainly have had leave in France. Having survived two years of fighting, he would have been promoted to at least Captain and quite possibly to Major. In some cases, very young officers became lieutenant-colonels. He would not have served continuously for two years. His battalion would have rested out of the line on several occasions. It would have served on different sectors of the Front. As an officer, he would have been sent on numerous courses from about mid-1915 onwards when training became more systemised with the establishment of Training Schools in France and in England. Such training would have covered a wide range of subjects from leadership to bombing and firing the Lewis gun, many of them teaching tactics by officers and NCOs who had served at the Front (a stint in a training school was one way of giving men a break from front-line service). Tactics and training were constantly changing during the war.

I think you ought to name his battalion and mention on which sectors he served and in which battles he fought – he will have been involved in at least one major battle.

Phosgene does, indeed, have a distinctive smell, that of 'rotting hay' so the scent of flowers is not likely to remind him of it.

I think you have the basis of a good novel here but certain aspects need some revision. You write convincingly although you have a tendency to come close to cliché sometimes (eg the Humphries). On the whole, my comments as a historian aside, I like the way you write. I’ll give you a spot on my shelf.

Liked it! Backed it!
A look at mine would be appreciated.
Frank, Sicilian Shadows.

Oh this is simply wonderful... This is one of the most polished and emotive, descriptive books I have read on this site.

I am awe struck, this should be published, why isn't it published?

I am without words.

Jo xx

Spoilt

This is simply beautiful. The characters were very much alive and heartbreakingly human. One of the best peices I have read on Authonomy. You are immensely talented and I look forward to the day that I can say I read this book before it was a best seller.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a romance set in WWII, so I'm putting you on my WL.

SCDwinnell, "Nobody Liked to Say"

I shall back this. It is written well with some good descriptions. Everything is here.

Anna.
This beatiful writing puts me in mind of the novels of R.M.Delderfield, set in the same post WW1 era. The returning soldier at a loss for how to pick up the pieces, finding nothing the same as he remembered. It is one of the tragedies of all wars, but now we call it PTSD and recognize it.

I'm really glad I came across this book, becuase I trawl through so many others only to find disappointment. Occasionally though I discover a gem such as "We All Fall Down" and it becomes worthwhile again.

As I said, beautifully written, and as far as I've read it most certainly ticks all my boxes: it deserves to go far.

Backed. Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horror/literary

There is always a sadness and a poignancy related to the First World War, and you capture that perfectly. Whilst WW2 is dominated by thoughts of good versus evil. WW1 is seen as a futile war, one which reaps pain and sadness on all the soldiers who fought it. Rather like another writer on here, who also wrote an excellent WW1 story, you paint images with your words and do not just tell a story. Your use of colours to explore the feelings within your novel is exemplary.
Backed without question.
David
Bailey of the Saints.

Anna, you've achieved something very poignant in the reunion of Robert and his mother. There's a plangent tone throughout which befits the book. Your evocation of the time is impressive. It deserves to do well. backed. Lynn

Anna,

Brilliant. This is faultless. You are technically one of the best writers I've ever come across on Authonomy. I have a deeply personal interest in WWI-- both Grandfathers served, and one received his "Blighty" wound at the battle of Vimy Ridge; a battle in which Canada truly came into its own as a Nation. A blood-soaked birth to be sure.

That family history is all but lost, as neither much discussed the horrors of the trenches. There is one Canadian former soldier left and he saw no combat. I think that as 2014 approaches novels such as yours are all the more vital "lest we forget".

Robert is one of the finest characters I've read here-- he is real. He is broken. Food doesn't even make sense any more, never mind love or the niceties of Edwardian England. Your sense of the period is immaculate. I am thrilled to come across this in a sea of books that seem to want to be movies. This allows us to immerse ourselves in a world and read a slow unfolding rather than rush us straight into an unending barrage of explosive action.

I am glad to have stumbled across this and I shelve you with highest honours and a sincere wish that this finds a home with a good publisher. It deserves to be seen.

Ruth/Base Spirits

Anna

It’s great to see what I would call a “slow burner” on this site. The writing is thoughtful and breathes quietly but still manages to creep beneath your skin.

If I could make any comment, it would be to tone down the description in your narrative. On occasions you “over-describe” certain passages. If I use the opening two paragraphs as an example
“scattered haphazardly”, “Turning sleepily”, “smiled bashfully”, “ruffled her skirts lazily”. They can weaken your description and detract from the story.

Other than this however, I think you’ve got the makings of a real heart-breaker here. Robert’s mixed feelings at returning from war are dealt with very sensitively.

Good luck on the site. Shelved.

Mike

Ps if you get chance I would appreciate any suggestions you might have for my own book, Calloway Blood.

Hullo Anna. A very interesting read. Since I am from the States, I have no knowlege of the war that Robert has experienced. But, war is war with all of its sadness, frustration, and unforgetfulness. This appears true for Robert and his vague memories. Very good. You have been shelved and backed. Please consider my book as well. Thank you in advance.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

A powerful book capturing the emotions in a beautiful and symbolic way. Robert is a very well built character and the consequences of war illustrated within. The cover is brilliant and eye catching as well as moving. With a few tweaks this should climb the rankings to the top.

Backed,

Lisa

A Fine Line

How wonderfully you have portrayed Robert returning home. This is very good writing. I have only read the first chapter but intend to read more. I can so picture the scene - the mother in reduced cicumstances, Roberts thoughts wandering between his childhood, the war and the present. I have definitely backed your book. This deserves to do well. I wish you every success.
Jennifer Powick
The Shrawley Rabbit if you have time for a look.

Hi Anna,

You have written your story well and in a style that allows the reader to feel what Robert feels and to almost experience the horrors that he has seen. You have uniquely revealed the change in his character and his expectations in the first chapter without telling it. Very well done. Backed.

When you have a chance, would you please review my book, Mudslide? Thank you.
Ronnie (author of Mudslide)

Anna, very fine writing - each sentence flows, each emotion so well depicted. Robert's comparison of the peaceful village and the horrors of war are so well done, along with his inability or refusal to talk about it - that in his own mind he is somehow above the poor civilians - and then comes Rosaline! A great first chapter - and kudos to you for your research on the war. Backed with pleasure and will return for more soon. CW (To Save the Sun)

Hi Anna, this is really brilliant writing. Robert is a tortured soul, he is annoyed by the smallest of things such as his mother busying around him trying to do things for her returned son. I really get the feeling that he sees himself now as an alien in this place he grew up in, his awkwardness and sense of isolation really comes across on the page. His interactions with his mother feel staged which is excellent as I'm sure they felt that way to him and the dialogue is really believable. He comes to life a little when he sees Rosaline and I was hoping for a good response from her but this is true to life and her reaction is excellent. This is a really good character study of a returning soldier and it is on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Anna
You conjure great imagery, but if I'm honest sometimes I couldn't find the story for the words..... translucent daubs of white cloud is very pictorial , so is foam scattered across a turbulent sea.....(but I dont need both)

of the seat, (that had been) created for a child younger than himself..........
vis a vis.
of the seat, created for a child younger than himself....

The roundabout is turning 'sleepily' which implies 'slowly' but the girls hair 'whipped' her face....this was conflictive.....

lazily, haphazardly, sleepily, casually, bashfully, dazzlingly......Mmmm....Let me do a bit of thinking on my own....
Sometimes less said means more...

She had opened the door.........She opened the door......you very rarely need .....'had' before an - ed verb....

I felt more grounded in the dialogue, much more....!

I think you have a wonderful piece here, but I think you could be a little economic on the adjective front.... (my esteemed unpublished view only)....

I enjoyed the read and am happy to support..

Shelved with good wishes.......

So beautifully written Anna. You set the scene really well and capture the emotion of your MC very well.
A good title, and interesting pitch, though I agree with Foretunight, the pitch needs a little tweeking, but still, it caught my eye and made me want to read more.

All the very best Anna.
Backed with pleasure!
Manolya- 'Love in No-Man's Land'

I started to read this thinking I would skip through and see what it was about. I read every word and thoroughly enjoyed it. There are a couple of gliches but the phrasing is womderful and some of the passages exceptional.

You are gifted. The mother, his introspection, his helplessness listening in church, the girl. There is a little hammering in the same spot but i forgive you because i do it too. The description of war is also subtle and powerful in i'ts subtelty. I am going to mark this and back it. Please read a chapter or two of mine and give me your thoughts - i will certainly respect them.

ps. Thank you for not writing a fantasy about goblins and vampires. Do some work on your pitch; i will help if you need it. I enjoy that.

What a beautiful blend of detail and dialogue. I love historical fiction and this reads like a classic. You are so lovingly attentive to detail - in your characters and the setting. A good start. Would love to read more.
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)