I Loved You - You Lied

Dear AEW,

I've now read 12 chapters, and, to be honest, this is much much better than I expected it to be. As you requested some time back, I took off my punctuation police badge and just read it for plot and flow and sense. It all makes sense to me. I wanted to read all the way through, but I really haven't got the time. In fact, I'd say the whole narrative up to where I've read it was very coherent and gripping. It's the sort of book that I could devour at one sitting or in one flight.

I don't know if that's enough feedback for you and if it helps at all. You know it needs an edit; you've said that. You've been worried about the underlying structure, and I'm telling you it's more than sound; it's very good. I'm putting you on my rotating bookshelf for a little while. I like surprises, and this is one book that has surprised me. Thank you and good luck.

R

Hi AE

I've just read the first three chapters and all I can say about this is that I don't feel inclined to stop!! It's easy to read, it's punchy, it's moving and I want to know what happens next. Definitely a page turner. I'll be back to read more when I can

James

Interesting how a verbatim Yarn can get ones attention. There are loads of hooks and strings leading the reader to turn the page. You appear to have an understanding of the environment.
A good editor and a proof read will probably get an agents attention.

It is as good/bad as Dan Brown

Good luck

Well I say. You certainly know how to grab the reader's attetnion. I should be working, but I decided to read the first chapter. I have had to force myself to stop after the third.

Yes, you are right that it needs something of an edit to cope with grammar/spelling etc, and maybe to smooth out a sentence or two. But you have definitely managed to create excitement. A real page turner.

I think the sensible thing would be for me to back this book once your present edit has been completed. At that stage I would hope that we could do more of a push to get others to read it.

Charles

Alan - this is so well crafted and written! I am at chapetr 4 and I am so compelled to read on but had to stop and say I would buy this book in a heartbeat! Paced to perfection you have a real gift for strong characterizations! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hello alan, this is a really good thriller and I've been drawn into it. You just have to keep reading - got to ch.6 because of pressures of time, alas. I've got nothing to quibble about this. Typos/punctuation don't worry too much, just keep reading through and re-editing - Christ, we all make mistakes, but it doesn't take the shine off the most important aspects: the story and the writing. It's really intriguing and the characters are authentic, the dialogue and hard-boiled wit are pure gold. Will come back and read this when I've got time. BACKED. Could you take a look at mine? Chris1

A fast moving book with an interesting plot. Zeke is a great character, eccentric, amusing to listen to. His first entrance, to the tent where the body was found, is very effective, marking him out at once as someone who says what he thinks and is clever as well as independent. 'To me and anybody else with the IQ of half a box of rocks it would mean this guy wears a size 91/2 or smaller shoe.' Lovely! Matthew is a very sympathetic character, likable and easy to relate to, and since we see the action from his point of view, this brings us all the closer to him. The underlying depth of the plot, as promised in the pitch,looks as if it will produce a really gripping thriller. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Ok. What happens if you scrap the whole opening chapter and start with the line "Agent Pender? I'm Sheriff Cox"?

We know what the FBI are and we know how these things work. If there is anything vital in that opening, work it in later.

I think "side kick" is one word, unless you getting a sly one in on your sibling when your Mum's watching the road. Also if you put "Matthew simply pointed to Zeke's grave" on the same line as somebody else's speech, it looks like he said it.

We start with the funeral. The grieving widow. retires to the bar. An ex serves them drinks. We go into flashback.

Now where I really want to be is with a nervous rookie starting the first day of a job. But I don't get any sense of that. I think you need to find somewhere new to start this. get some tension cranked up. The funeral was a bit too downbeat.

Let me look at your pitch.

This is a great read, non-stop excitement and action. Your description is exact, and your writing is elegant and concise, free of verbiage. One tip - Give the characters' full name (including surname) when you first mention him/her. Shelved.
Frank

I have read some of the comments about your title and I just wanted to let you know that I was just exploring a bit and ran across the title which made me want to read the pitch which made me dive into the book. Just letting you know that the title is (in my opinion only) intriguing.

I Love You - You Lied

Hi Alan,

Interesting beginning, emotional link with characters established early, very high octane language, you do the macho dialogue well, they do talk like that. The diversion of the presidential jet sets us off for a quick fire start. I think in terms of pacy, effective starts you have got this one right. I wonder if your chapters could be even shorter, James Patterson short as we zip about this rapid-fire beginning. There is much to admire here, but the unputdownable glue on the covers style you have adopted is probably the key skill you exhibit here and one that will work well for this genre. I agree with some of the other comments people have made about the title, you might want to look at that, we might need darker, edgier, more broody. Also, work on your pitch, it should be one or two line short sentences, broken up by white space and it should tell us the story from the main characters point of view. In a thriller finding out who loved is probably not our main motivation, we want to know if the bad guy gets caught, or, as you tease interestingly, who the bad guy is, intriguing stuff, looking forward to reading more when I have time. If you have the time to take a peek at my book it would be so helpful

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Just finished and let me just say - WOW! The ending was a perfect fit. I love the way you showed every important event in a different character's point of view. Good stuff! Shelved with pleasure. You are an amazing writer who deserves an amazing publisher to showcase this INCREDIBLE piece of work.

I am so mad that I have to go back into work and can't sit here and finish reading. Great start. Grabbed me right away and I love Zeke's character. The writing is flawless except a typo or two.

Yes, definitely movie material! Great pace, lots of twists and action. Shelved.

Fantastic pace, and great action... one for Harrison Ford I think! So it's a shame that the very first sentence doesn't quite make sense. Maybe you might revisit it? Give this story the excellence it deserves!

Andrew

This is well written crime and suspense. Which I really like. Good dialogue, good idea in that the killer is dying already. Will they won't they catch him in time to add to the suspense. Good characterisation and narrative flow.
Nothing on the down side at all that I could find.
Should be published.
But I'll back it instead.
Flicka

Alan, I'm so pleased to be reading another crime fiction book. I was beginning to think we were a dying breed.
I like your cover and your short pitch worked well for me. I've come back to your long pitch after reading your opening chapters as I think you need to work on it. The pitch is crucial - get it right and a potential reader will be hooked. Your single block of text would benefit from being split up; even though it's a short paragraph it will be easier to read as two shorter sections. Punctuation is not one of your strengths, not unusual, but you do need to get it right in the pitch as it could be enough to prevent a reader from starting your book. You need a full stop, not a comma, after "So the game begins.' Add a comma after, "Matthew," making it, "Matthew, aided by his long time mentor,"
The section beginning, "Can you fall in love with a villain..." needs a question mark, I'd suggest after "root for him," and start a fresh sentence with, "This is one story..." and, finally, you need a full stop at the end, after "bad guy."

Hope that wasn't too daunting. As for the book, I really enjoyed it. I stopped looking at punctuation and concentrated on the story and it is here that your talent comes out. You have the ability to write believable dialogue, essential in this genre to maintain the pace of the action. There;s a good story here, only the small details of punctuation and grammar need work. Once into the story, these small errors don't detract from the book at all - just get the pitch sorted as that is a critical area. Small point, entirely personal so only my opinion, I wasn't keen on the title. Ignore that, only my personal opinion as I say.
On my shelf for a spell on the basis of being such a good story.
Jared

Ensign Smith turned into the parking lot, stopped his sedan abruptly and reached to open his door. The Admiral jumped out of his car and strode toward the main entrance. Two men in suits and sunglasses walked past him without any form of acknowledgement, greeted Pender but ignored Smith.

The use of commas would greatly ease the use of ands and buts.

Don't worry, you can tare my work apart.

The funeral of a friend tells us a bit about Matthew but this tells us more and sets up the story nicely:

“He had waited nine years for this assignment... Today was his first day of guarding POTUS; THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Agent Matthew Pender was riding on Air Force One, where twenty feet away the President was at a table... Little did Pender know that twenty-eight years ago, when he'd left his small hometown in Michigan to join the Air Force, his future goal in life would be to take a bullet for someone.”

And then this change of assignment:

““This is Agent Pender; I spoke with your Governor about him a few hours ago.” Scars looked at Pender as the president continued. “I hope my sudden flight detour is not for nothing, work with Pender and make sure that maniac is caught before he strikes again.””

With this as the backdrop:

““Well Pender, here’s what we got so far, some nut case killed a guy down at the dog track in Orange Park. He left us specific instructions not to talk to the press. He even told us how to find you, which was not too easy. This guy said we have to get you on the 6:00 pm news so he would know that you’re here. If there’s any deviation from his instructions he said he’ll kill again. This time it would be at random, and it would be someone innocent.”

It does not behove me to give anything more away because the essence of this well written thriller is to see how it unfolds a la Frederick Forsyth. This is an absorbing read that will be welcomed by all lovers of this genre. Shelved.

I Loved - You Lied has an interesting storyline and in the main is well written. My problem was that the first part of the opening chapter read to me like a long cliche, with the hero's funeral, his buddy stepping up to the plate, the man-to-man talk in the bar...and so on. I very nearly didn't get past all that. Then the 'proper' book started! "He had waited nine years for this assignment." Now I'm interested, and the story draws me in from there very well indeed. Why not drop the first part of the chapter completely and start there? In the hope that you will, I'm giving you a turn on my shelf.

Nice. The concept of a dying serial killer is particularly interesting, because there's the chance that the killer may die before they're caught, which means that no answers could be found. I swear I've read this before, though.
Backed.

Hi Alan!

I'm almost certain I have backed this before, but can't seem to find my note, so I'm popping you back up on my shelf - just in case it didn't take the first time. Just wanted to let you know I like your work!!!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Alan,
You have some great writing here and a super plot. Okay let's play a game, I kill nine people or you find me, kinda like hide and seek, huh? From an editor's view I couldn't find anything wrong just a few typos. There's a missing quote on: This is bull shit Cox" and toward the end of 2 you have Mrs. Zeke then Mrs. Zekes. Anyway this is an intriguing story and a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hey,
You're a master of dialogue. We have similar styles, in that we both use dialogue to draw emotions from the reader, rather than using lengthy descriptions of the character's past, you just use the dialogue to relay it, and it works well. I was just glancing over the pitch, but i couldn't help giving this a read. You hooked me in and wouldn't let me go with your excellent writing.
I will shelve this and return for another read soon. Backed.

Regards,

Mark H

I was drawn in by your pitch and find your writing style flowed well into an interesting story.

My only nitpick and this was advice I received, a thriller should have a punchy beginning, something to draw the reader in, a thriller part of the story. To be honest although your beginning is well written it didn't pull me in. After advice from a fellow Authonomy I changed my crime scene or more compelling scene to the front and then went back to begin the story. This is only my opinion and as I said advice I was given but I have found since changing my chapters around my feedback has improved.

Shelved for an interesting story which I would pick up and read.

Jo xx

Spoilt

first and foremost your pitch, both long and short, and your title are great. they drew me in and made me take a look at your first couple of chapters.
I liked what I read but do have some things to mention. First I think you should add in some speech tags letting the reader know who is speaking as I found that distracting. I also think some of your dialogue seems forced, for example you use names a lot when you speak and when people direct their words at someone very rarely do they use their name unless they are trying to get their attention. Instead of saying "That's a long story tanner." You could just say, "That's a long story." We should already know who he is addressing by what you have wrote.
Backed. T.L Tyson-seeking Eleanor

Alan,

As requested taking another look at this since your re-write.

Okay I can immediately see improvement. Having said that I'm going to give some comments on the opening passages, which are where an agent or editor's attention has to be grabbed. These are simply observations, take them or leave them as you see fit:

--In you opening sentence I'd omit behind them (we don't who they are yet) and go with 'a' bugler rather than 'the' bugler, again as the person as not been introduced;
--in dialogue I'd be wary of using names too much, people rarely actually do this, especially when talking to people they know well;
--I' also look at omiting as many words from dialogue as you can, real conversation has a habbit of being more economical than grammatical (e.g. Where you have 'Mary, if there's anything I can do just call me . . . I'd be inclined to try something like, 'If there's anything I can do, just call . . .);
--couple of places you have tags or beats before dialogue, I always think these work better after the dialogue or embedded in it: The first of these I notice is in the para begining, 'She managed a smile', I'd recut this:

"If you want to honour him, take that side kcik of yours to a bar." She managed a smile. "Tell him what a good man John was, how he influenced people. Continue his work."

--second secen starts with a 'she' referring to someone not yet reference, you might consider replacing this with the bar maid, or something similar;
--the flash back action is good an you have a good ending.

Okay, so that seems like lots of nits I'm sure, but I can see a hell of a lot improvement in this, and you have a strong premise that is supported by much improved writing.

I'm giving this a spin on my shelf this time.

Hello Alan,


Congratulations for crafting such a compelling and well-polished story. You did a great job making it insightful and engaging. The characters are fabulous and the plot is breath taking.

This is an accomplished writing and a compelling read.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

We start in a funeral and there are some curious things that make me want to read on and know more. I like what I've read and I'm putting you on my shelf. Best of luck. KJ

This is nice, AE. You have a nice start. If I were writing this, I'd cut out stuff/dialogue that's not needed to move the story forward. Just leave in what's necessary for the plot. Otherwise, it's a great story and I'm backing you on my shelf. -- Dave (Visions)

Dear Alan, I’ve also backed your book after reading only the pitch. I’m sure I’d buy it if I found it in an airport bookshop: reading your highly compelling story would make even a long plane journey seem much shorter. Best of luck with it. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Dear AEW,

Sorry it's taken me such a long time to get round to this, after I had promised I'd do it in a couple of days. I've been working on a new book (and working hard at my day-time job), and time just flew away.

If I remember correctly, the version I read first started with Pender being assigned to AIr Force One. The funeral passage is new. I hope I'm right.

I know you like comments on plot rather than stuff that needs to be edited, so I'll just focus on questions I asked myself. Does the funeral scene reduce the tension in the rest of the plot? Or is it a red herring? Zeke is such an integral part of the book that I can't quite make sense of him being dead at the beginning. I hope I'm not barking up the wrong tree here. And the reason I make these points is that the tension in the plot is what makes this books stand out, despite the editing that still needs to be done.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Best regards, as always, and apologies for the lateness of these comments.

R

This is a riveting read and I overcame the internal winces to keep going despite the grammar errors. That in itself is an achievement. I've never been published, but I've always been told that the least amount of editing a publisher needs to do, the better. So that's the advice I'd offer. Backed of course.

I love this. Suspensfull and grim. Very suspensful and well written. backed

An intelligent thriller with an anti-hero conundrum and easy read visuals.

This is is masterful, visual, compelling.
A real page turner that isn't amateurish nor does anyhting distract from the narrative trajectory. The prose is good and flows well and the use of dialogue professional.
Really enjoyed this.
Will shelf it and come back.
Excellent writing, plot and pace.
Fred

I Loved You - You Lied is a good story, Alan. You open well with nice snappy dialogue and there's good writing throughout. One small point, try to get rid of the distracting space between each paragraph. Delighted to return your backing and I wish you well. Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Shelved! :)

~Traci

The up side: great fast moving work....down side: personally the title does absolutely nothing for me.....a bit Mills and Boon around the edges.
IMO better than Dan Brown. Shelved

Alan,

Here's my review of your opening:

As I was reading a noticed a lot of spelling ("that's too much women for you..." should be "that's too much woman for you..."), punctuation errors ("Taps, the tears streamed down..." should be "Taps. The tears streamed down."), and grammatical errors ("I do my best Mary..." should probably be "I'll do my best Mary..." and "I take care of the bill..." should probably be "I'll take care of the bill...").

If you don't do this already... I highly recommend reading your book aloud. It makes catching these types of errors much easier. If you stumble over a phrase as you read, then your reader probably will, too.

You used Matt, Matthew, and Pender to reference Matthew Pender... I'd suggest sticking with just Matthew or Matt. Why? Because when you say "Tanner was amazed how Pender..." you make the reader wonder who Pender is... and jolt them out of the story for a moment as they try to figure out not only who Tanner is but also who Pender is. Note: It's fine to refer to Matt as Pender inside dialogue... this is because some people will call him Matt, Matthew, Pender, or Agent Pender. This is believeable, but inside the narrative it's wise to stick to one voice.

Overall, the dialogues between characters were fine and I liked the humor you included as well, but the story lacked tension for me. Perhaps this was because I kept getting knocked out of the story by your grammarical errors. I do see a lot of pomise with your pitch and a part of me would like you to get the story going a bit faster. Your story might pick up after the first few pages, but agents, editors, and readers don't give a book more than 3 pages to grab their attention... most of the time it is less than that. I'm not suggesting you change where you begin (though you might)... I'm just saying that you need to make every line in your story pull its wait by either raising story questions, tension, characterization, etc.

Best Wishes,
Joseph

Hi Alan,

Ooh intriguing pitch. Certainly made me want to read the book.

I think the opening paragraph could be a little tighter; seems to be some punctuation errors. Nonetheless it grabbed my attention and made me want to read on.

Tanner stood behind him and remained quite (quiet) waiting…

Tanner was amazed how Pender… This sentence seems unnecessary since Pender asks how he knew he was behind him. It’s a repetition.

Wasn’t expecting a thriller from the title. So far, after reading two chapters I find this to be an engaging read. It needs some tightening, especially with the punctuation and grammar, but what you have is a promising story that shines. Great characterisation and dialogue.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Alan
Great title and good synopsis.
Some nitpicks for you:
* In speech when using a name: at the start, follow it with a comma; at the end, precede it with a comma. e.g. "Mary[,] if there's anything..." and "...long story[,] Tanner." Some times you do this, but not always.
* In a few places you have commas beofre speech where it's usual to have colons. e.g. Turning back to Pender[:]
* Tanner was amazed how Pender knew he was behind him - delete this because you say it with speech in the next line (which is much better)
Overall I like your characters and the dialogue is fairly natural. The end to chapter 2 is good because the reader is set up to find out what Peder is about to say. However chapter 1's could be stronger. make us want to turn the page.
Good luck. On my shelf.
Chris (I Dare You)

This has everything it needs. I thought Zekes sending the rude driver to barrows was funnier than hell. I am shelving this. do let me know when you upload more.

Hi Alan,

What I'm getting here is a good thriller involving a SS agent and his mentor and a killer who has an odd habit of taking "souveniers", to put it mildly. I don't think I want to see where he lives!

First of all--and you've heard this before--it needs a good edit for punctuation and sentence structure. Not having that done is rather distracting to the reader. i.e. there instead of they're, too instead of to, misplaced commas and quotation marks. In ch1, at the funeral, there were a few people talking but it was difficult to know who was who. It would help to add some physical descriptions, maybe mention relationships, but especially speech tags. In normal conversation, people don't constantly mention each other's names--use Matthew said, or Mary said, but avoid the adverbs.

Your first paragraph could be cleaner be dividing some sentences that are now joined by commas. For example, it might read better like this: High on the lush, green hill behind them, the bugler played Taps while tears streamed down Matthew Pender's face. The leader of the honor guard approached Mary and held out the flag that had draped her husband's casket. Weeping almost uncontrollably, she extended her hands and accepted it. The Captain stood at attention, then took one step back and saluted her before doing an about face and rejoining his detail.

Thought should not be in quotations marks. Either italisize that or use nothing at all.

The killer took his "johnson"? Eeuueewww! (But that's a good hook!)

I like Zeke! What a guy! He really knows how to take command of a situation!

Maybe rethink your title too--I was expecting chic-lit!

I think you have the bones for a really good crime thriller here but it's need for an edit is holding it back. Read it aloud to catch where commas and periods should go and how to make dialogue sound more natural. I really do believe your plot is worth the time to fix the grammatical errors. Hope that helps. Good luck. ~Barb

Dear Alan,
On the long pitch: Suggest you breaking it up into digestible paragraphs (short, with white space between). Heaven forbid you not catch a reader's eye because of a simple formatting issue! Also, the last sentence has a few grammatical errors; it's a run after the words "… even root for him." Remember what they say about those first impressions!
Even though this sounds schoolmarm-ish, check your punctuation and grammar sooner than later. You never know who might be trawling the site for the next suspense thriller. Do whatever it takes—do a favor for a friend who majored in English, hire an editor, join a writer's critique group – but it does need a thorough edit.
Nose-picking diplomats? To my eyes, a bit gross. There's probably another insult that might work better, actually insult their intelligence more.
The chapter 1 ending could be snazzier. Force us to turn that page and see what happens next. I see other chapters have picked up the pace, the story heating up.
Secret service agents who are willing to take a bullet for POTUS are always dramatic fodder. This is an intriguing story with plenty of twists and turns. Shelved.

Alan,

You have a breack-neck story here, it starts moving from page one and never slows down. Ludlum like thriller material, with mystery and a bewildering cast of characters.

The problem is, as others said, there are a lot of typos and grammatical errors. So much so that I stumbled, over and over again. Only a plot as fast as yours could survive this at all, but you really do need to very carefuly edit this.

I'd love to have another look, if you do some editting, there's a story here I want to read, but the moment distractions in the presentation keep breaking my attention.

Good luck with this.

You hooked me with your pitch and I think the storyline is moving along at a nice pace. Noticed spots where I thought punctuation and grammer could use some work, but enjoyed the story. Happy to give it a turn on my shelf.

Heidi
Turning Red

I like the well developed characters in this piece, especially the quirks like...Cox and his spit cup. This is a good start to an exciting thriller. I managed to read 5 chapters before my kids started bugging me for breakfast. I comment as I go, so sometimes I get specific. But keep in mind these are just all MHOs.

I'd rather read for content than nick pick, but sometimes errors throw readers off. This could use a really good once over for errors, like how he (influence) people. should be (influenced)....when (were) in DC (we're) spell check will not catch these errors. I'm dyslexic and I have a hard time with this sort of thing, so I've trained my brain to seek and destroy. But for your sake...be careful..an agent or editor will toss a MS just because it has a few errors in page one, no matter how great the story.

oh...just wondering, if you are going for ethnic...influence vs influenced...there are better ways to do this.

Openings are really important. Removing some extra words and a few structure changes can make all the difference. High on a lush green hill the bugler played taps as tears streamed down Mathews face. The leader of the honor guard handed Mary the flag that had draped over Ziek's casket. Weeping almost uncontrollably, Mary extended her hands...

I also got the feeling the chaplain was the first to speak. Then realized it was Mathew. You need to say who.

(I'll)do my best....

you can break up some dialog sentences...."and how he influenced people. Do that and..."

I liked that little insecure moment with the sunglasses, and loading the gun.,

Thoughts should go in italics.

Tension starts to build toward the end of chapter 2. Honestly, I would have liked to have seen this earlier. It seems this is where you started getting your groove on.

Yea! is cheerleader speak...yeah..means yes.

"She couldn't help but smile"....This threw me off. Then I realized the clerk was a woman. You might want to say the pretty or something clerk, so the reader can immediately identify the clerk's gender.

Hate to nag but...more words that need to be combined...barmaids...girlfriends..

I don't think a cop would leave a gun in a hotel room even in a lock box, could get stolen.

Well gotta go. I enjoyed reading this and will shelve for a bit for content. Keep going over with a fine toothed comb and this will be great!

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot

Alan,

Moves along nicely, this one. The pitch is enough to get my juices flowing, but you continue with the action and live up to every promise. Good work. Backed.

Best of luck,

--JackR

Hi Alan,

I love stuff like this! It's fab ;o) - I've read up to chapter four - but I will carry one reading as you have me hooked!

Great start on Air Force one (I'm thinking how great that will look when it's a film!!) - Like the relationship betwee Zeke and Pender.... but as I'm reading it, one thing from your pitch stays in my mind.... who is really the bad guy?

Shelved with pleasure!

Love Bev,
Thicker Than Water

Hiya!

I like your plot very much, it is intriguing and entertaining. I love the opening with the president and i can really feel Pender's discomfort. I like when he says how could he know he'd be taking a bullet for someone, i think it conveys the scene well.
Your prose flows and is easy to read. The dialogue natural and the characterisation is very strong. I enjoyed this very much.

Few comments:
This sentence didn't read right for some reason, 'the sound of the engines was keeping him awake.' perhaps, the sounds of the engines were keeping him awake? Or something, i feel were would be better than was.

"Good, they were there." - why is this speech, who is he talking too? This read to me like internal thoughts rather than out loud speech.

I think you use names a bit too often, something i am guilty of in my own writing and am trying to par down on during my current edit. Sometimes he would fit better.

You head hop, something i don't have a problem with but others can so just be aware of it! But i think it works very well, i like to know all the characters' feelings.

Sorry for the nitpicks, i just want to help you polish this so it is as good as it can be because you have a great plot and i am sure this will be very popular!

On my shelf, all the best of luck!

Valentina xx

Just read this and will shelf it as soon as I've finished this comment. I can't find any problems with it, save for the little edits here and there that every piece of work needs. The only thing that put me off was the short pitch. I almost didn't read this because of the exclamation marks, but I'd read good things and seen your book on shelves so I ignored them- but others might not be able to. I suggest getting rid of all but one, two at the most, exclamation marks.

I wish I had time to read the rest, because you've grabbed me as a reader. And, as a writer, you've grabbed me so much that I didn't see a single nit, which doesn't mean there aren't any, just that I was more interested in the story than in the writing. Good job!

I especially liked the way you introduce the 'unsophisticated' cop with the toothpick, and then say nothing more about him...this is good writing because less is so often more.

Shelved, of course (within an hour; have to find room on my shelf)

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)