Demon Leech

The premise is catchy and I'm interested so I'll keep reading.

To be honest, some of the writing seemed clunky to me. It didn't flow from paragraph to paragraph and it was a little offputting. I don't know if it is intentional because of the perspective of the experiment or not, but it was distracting.

With all that being said, I'll be adding you to my watchlist and I'll keep reading.

BA, your Chapter One is rather enjoyable. The opening has a definite sense of urgency to it. I lke your first-person, narrative voice.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

thank you!

BA, your Chapter One is rather enjoyable. The opening has a definite sense of urgency to it. I lke your first-person, narrative voice.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Sorry. I could not get into this book. Not my genre. Lisa

Good start that begs the reader to keep ging with its multiude of mysteries. Why is the man being held as an experiment? Waht powers? Is he a hero or a criminal? What monsters are there that made him destroy a school and who is the mysterious Wilson? Good imagery, you feel the character's confusion and the coldness of the scientists, who may or may not be evil but are bound by rule and regulations. Nicely done

thank you very much! Good comments are always great! ^_^

Good start that begs the reader to keep ging with its multiude of mysteries. Why is the man being held as an experiment? Waht powers? Is he a hero or a criminal? What monsters are there that made him destroy a school and who is the mysterious Wilson? Good imagery, you feel the character's confusion and the coldness of the scientists, who may or may not be evil but are bound by rule and regulations. Nicely done

This is an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. Good demon leeches. I've added it to my bookshelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

You shouldn't use dialogue as your short pitch. That long pitch also needs to be lengthened. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator, trust me, spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

It has classic undertones of Frankenstein or Jeckyl and Hyde with the protagonist as victim of science. There's a formality to the prose too which evokes this era, and humanity. Definitely my sort of sci-fi. Backed. Lynn

Thank you very much! I do hope that this story will continue to interest you.

A really intriguing read, you'll have to forgive me for not offering any pointers as I'm well out of my comfort zone here. But I can see that the writing is solid and you have conjured up a very believable world.

Happily shelved

Good luck with it.

Melxx

thank you ver much!

It has classic undertones of Frankenstein or Jeckyl and Hyde with the protagonist as victim of science. There's a formality to the prose too which evokes this era, and humanity. Definitely my sort of sci-fi. Backed. Lynn

A really intriguing read, you'll have to forgive me for not offering any pointers as I'm well out of my comfort zone here. But I can see that the writing is solid and you have conjured up a very believable world.

Happily shelved

Good luck with it.

Melxx

Hi B.A.,

This is an excellent story with a well-planned plot. Your sentence structure is good, and the story pace moves along just fine. A fine typos, but nothing serious enough as to hurt the story or the way you present it to the reader. Overall, this is a good story presented by a good storyteller. I'm happy to back your work. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Thank you very much!!!

Hi B.A.,

This is an excellent story with a well-planned plot. Your sentence structure is good, and the story pace moves along just fine. A fine typos, but nothing serious enough as to hurt the story or the way you present it to the reader. Overall, this is a good story presented by a good storyteller. I'm happy to back your work. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

This is excellent writing and a unique premise! The idea of an apprentice of the arts of darkness is so intriguing - I think there is a market here for Young Adults as well. In your long pitch - re-read your first sentence I think you meant to say Michael Scott reveals... The pesky pitches are so important and we tend to write them quickly so we can upload our very polished novel we have worked so painstakedly on but unfortunately I have learned the hard way that the writers here have little patience for mistake sin the first impression. Good luck - you are a talenetd writer as evidenced by your story proper! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thank you very much! I am please to hear a nicely thought out review. What is this pitch you talk about? hehe, I'm kinda new at working with original writing, so please forgive me if it's a nieve question.

This is excellent writing and a unique premise! The idea of an apprentice of the arts of darkness is so intriguing - I think there is a market here for Young Adults as well. In your long pitch - re-read your first sentence I think you meant to say Michael Scott reveals... The pesky pitches are so important and we tend to write them quickly so we can upload our very polished novel we have worked so painstakedly on but unfortunately I have learned the hard way that the writers here have little patience for mistake sin the first impression. Good luck - you are a talenetd writer as evidenced by your story proper! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Cool story. On my shelf.
this is fascinating and well thought out.
I did see typos, or sometimes an extra word.
Al the best.......mikegilli The Free

Dear BA Umana,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m definitely the sort to appreciate a good demon leech. Trapping the protagonist in a test tube is a good way to build sympathy, and to drive this home, I’d depict more of his sensations as well as his feelings of helplessness. I like how they refer to him as a “specimen” and later as “subject” and “experiment”. When they go on to say he destroyed a school and at a certain time, you’re inserting background too directly into dialog and too obviously for the reader’s benefit. You need to slow down and better conceptualize a conversation between these two scientists. You can and should depict this information through conversation, but think of how these men would digest it. Would they fixate over the black flame, thinking over its thermodynamic properties? He probably wouldn’t ask how long ago the incident happened, but, if, for instance, the area hadn’t yet been sufficiently decontaminated, that might be something to interest a scientist. I’m happy to say that the protagonist’s following feelings of guilt are appropriate, as are the discussion of neurons and scans. A demonic Wilson frees him, and I’m pleased to say the rest of the dialog here went well.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more marketable by making Michael a woman. Women are more sympathetic.

Urban fantasy is a hot genre right now, and this is a fine project and worth pursuing. Backed, and best wishes.

Thank you very much for the analisis you have just given me. This is definatly helping me along, and a great critisism of your work is always extremely helpful.

I will take into consideration what you have just told me, and will work around making the first chapter a little more 'digestable' by the reader.

Once again, i thank you for your dedication. ^_^

Dear BA Umana,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m definitely the sort to appreciate a good demon leech. Trapping the protagonist in a test tube is a good way to build sympathy, and to drive this home, I’d depict more of his sensations as well as his feelings of helplessness. I like how they refer to him as a “specimen” and later as “subject” and “experiment”. When they go on to say he destroyed a school and at a certain time, you’re inserting background too directly into dialog and too obviously for the reader’s benefit. You need to slow down and better conceptualize a conversation between these two scientists. You can and should depict this information through conversation, but think of how these men would digest it. Would they fixate over the black flame, thinking over its thermodynamic properties? He probably wouldn’t ask how long ago the incident happened, but, if, for instance, the area hadn’t yet been sufficiently decontaminated, that might be something to interest a scientist. I’m happy to say that the protagonist’s following feelings of guilt are appropriate, as are the discussion of neurons and scans. A demonic Wilson frees him, and I’m pleased to say the rest of the dialog here went well.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more marketable by making Michael a woman. Women are more sympathetic.

Urban fantasy is a hot genre right now, and this is a fine project and worth pursuing. Backed, and best wishes.