Maelstrom

Wow, what an ending! Scary, gritty, in fact, positively nail-biting. Is Jenny dead or not? A thrilling thriller with all the pathos necessary to make your MC redeemable. Happy to have spent the time reading this. Jim D Serpent's Blood

Hi Chris brilliant opening, had me hooked from the very beginning. Who is the girl he is searching for and why is she missing, who are his captives, why did they beat him up and warn him off instead of killing him. Its a really strong opening and if I had this book to hand I don't believe I'd be able to leave it down. You also write the scottish accent really well, felt as if i was reading with a lilt. On my shelf without a doubt. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Was drawn immediately to this by your pitch...and of course the fast boat. Love thrillers and loved this, particularly the dry humour and Glasgow dialect in chapter 1. As a relative newcomer I was additionally pleased to see that this is to be published...well done...and yes I would buy it. By comparison I have a long way to go, but that's the beauty of this site, where we can benefit from the experience of other's. All the best with this.
Babs

On the basis of these chapters this should prove to be a thoroughly good read, one of those settle down with a glass and keep the pages turning sort of thrillers. Your characters have their own realism and the relationships between them are keenly drawn. I think you've got the balance between show and tell spot on. Overall a very professional piece, I'd have bought this in my local bookstore if it was on the shelves.
Backed and I'll watch it rise.
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Chris,
Maelstrom has an intricate and enthralling plot. I love the chapter headings indicating the exact dates when they take place as I've done the same thing in Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed.

You have written a very interesting action/adventure storyline. Your dialogue is realistic, the pace of the story flows well and you build the tension nicely. Your character development of Jack is excellent and all of this coupled with your descriptive writing makes your crime thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Tension filled opening chapter, with great Scottish dialogue and a strong narrative. You've set thescene well for the rest of your book with the missing Jenny and a beating, which was probably due to his search for her. Well done. You've answered enough questions and raised enough to keep the reader plugging on, which I will certainly do. Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hi Lichen,

I'm unable to offer any profound literary insights on a book that's well-written and highly enjoyable. So I'm going to share with you how I experienced what I've read of your book, which is to the point where he decides on his silver-bullet plan. So this is purely personal and possibly of little value to you.

I was attracted to Maelstrom partly because I use the metaphor of a maelstrom in my own book, and partly because I'd spent three years in a huge council estate on the edge of Glasgow followed by three years on the leafy west coast of Scotland.

But once I started reading that amazing opening chapter, I laughed out loud, not least because of all the colourful memories flooding back. But I also made a pleasing discovery about myself. I'm able to recall and and enjoy recalling what it was like to be male. Everything about Glasgow's fatalistic maleness is in that opening chapter. You write maleness very well, so well that I could feel every subtle twist in Jack's predicaments when his wife confronts him about his absence, when his wife's absence confronts him in Hong Kong and when his own presence confronts him on the trip back to London.

The all-pervasive "how do I solve this problem?" together with it's never crossing his mind to think of what his wife and children have been experiencing. Of course he's going to solve it all. One single all-purpose solution is all it's going to take. Something to be proud of, really. That was a bit creepy to read. That's how I was. That's how my own head worked when I was a man. I'd actually forgotten that. Leaving aside how I now feel about how I used to be, I felt strengthened by being able to be taken on a journey back to maleness and to simply enjoy the experience for what it was, without feeling my womanhood in any way threatened. Maybe that's blasé to others who've become female in middle age, but to me it was new. Thank you.

I look forward to reading the rest of Maelstrom. As I've said in my message, I've backed it.

Anjuli

You left things up in the air. The book is worth reading to the end. I enjoyed reading the first 7 chapters.

This is a good story. Jack is a likable and sympathetic character because he's so far in over his head. Your action scenes are well written. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Chris
This has grit embedded in it - it's that down and dirty. An absolute classic in the making. The line about which ached more body or soul, I thought was just great. Really superb opening chapter - you really transported me to a place I didn't want to be. What followed was a real throw back to the hard boiled lit days and no less impressive. Backed!
Hope you're tip top,
JG Reynolds (Head, Heart & Trousers).

A very exciting and powerful opening chapter, I could hear the Scots voices loud and clear. Reading on I could feel the thriller building up, layer upon layer.
This is a very good bit of writing.

Powerful, dark and gritty, this is an excellent beginning to what promises to be an excellent thriller. Great work!
Backed.
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules were made to be broken." - Relic

Chris, your first chapter was powerful enough to sweep me into the second. Good true-to-life dialogue. Good job overall.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

You write very well. The sentences are short and strong and while at first I had a problem with how chapter 1 began, I forgot about it pretty quickly as I wanted to know more about the trouble he was looking to get into. Not sure about some of the imagery, e.g., "Tongues of fire crept up his back..." but they're minor changes.

Get away from flowery description, keep up with the colloquialisms--but tighten them up and do it a bit more subtly, and you're onto something that's fun to read and strong and, while I'm loathe to use the word (because it has a sort of lean to it that isn't what I condone), masculine.

Cully

Jack is a likable character. Your descriptions are vivid. For example, your description of Jack's abduction. I can smell, hear and feel it as well as see it. Marvelous. You salt your nimble narrative with well-focused metaphors such as 'put the shit in the incense,' superb similies like 'I feel like the hotel manager here,' and great phasing like 'the beer had uncurled his soul.' Brilliant writing. Your realistic dialogue is engaging and propels your story forward. Your pacing kept me riveted.

Nits:
1) 'They lifted up as though he weighed ...' should be 'they lifted him up as though he weighed.'
2) 'She tipped her head on one said as she considered it' should be 'She tipped her head on one side as she considered it.'

This is a gripping thriller, masterfully crafted. Backed.

Maelstrom:

You immediately make the reader want to read on to know what it is the narrator is seeking, and you keep us glued to the screen from beginning to end of this first chapter, telling us a little at a time. Of course, now that you’ve got us hooked we can’t but go to chapter two.

Needless to say, writing is very good, like the rest of us, just needs a bit of an edit and when you do, it will turn this very good book into an even better one. Just a couple of things below for you to consider when you do revise. I’m no pro so it’s okay if you don’t agree with them. ;)

Began to make/made…and he began to lose orientation/and he became disoriented? …began speaking/spoke.

Keep an eye on some passive passages, such as here: He felt his wrists grabbed from behind… At first, I thought he was standing with his hands behind his back. Consider, Someone behind him grabbed his wrists and forced his arms back, or something like that?

Some form of ligature was slipped over his wrists…passive/The man slipped a ligature over his wrists…His ankles were grabbed and stuffed… passive/He grabbed his ankles and stuffed…

…might get seasick/might get carsick?

…a train (somewhere) nearby…

Love the Scottish setting. Some people may not understand the accent, but I’m not one of them. ;)

All the best, and will pop this onto my shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

A cracking good story here. Read all you have downloaded! Just brillian
Barbara

HI Chris
I liked the way you switch around from past to present to create the tension without confusion. I also thought using the local dialect was a good touch. May confuse some, but other books have got away with it. A great thriller with lots of pace and tension.
Backed
DP Walker
Five Dares

Great opening - the concern of the barman is infectious.
'overpowered by the pungent aroma of his own fear' - great!
Having only read this far, I know you can write and that this will be on my shelf.
'As a gesture it was great. As a course of action it was futile' - nice humour
'Not a stern talking-to, then' - more nice humour
need the occasional comma in some longer sentences. eg. ...and uncurled slowly, thunderbolts...
Great hook at the end. Who could fail to sit up and thing 'What's this got to do with Hong Kong?'
ch 2:
in ch 1 we have no idea who Jack really is, or was, and it's a real surprise to find he has a high-powered job.
nice brief intro to his family life too
the temperature dropped ten degrees - great line
Sarah apologising really warmed me to her
Another good hook with the 'well ahead of schedule' line.
This is classic, top quality thriller writing. Really enjoyable. Backed.
Cheers,
Simon

This is so frigging good! WOW I started reading and couldn't stop! My only complaint is I want more ! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

great ending and style.

God Bless,
Chipper Newman

Maelstrom delivers from the opening sentence to the end of chapter 7 in this suspense filled crime thriller. We’ll have to wait for the rest when this gets published. In the meantime, I enjoyed the well-defined MC, Jack Ross, the excellent pace and descriptive elements, especially the settings in the Far East. Glasgow we all associate with rain and cold – well, I’m told it does get depressing at times. Overall, high marks for character development, clever advancement of the plot and, as mentioned, strong imagery. Excellent stuff.

Richard
(Hard Target)

Hi Chris, I liked the backstory. Jack in the chapters I read comes off as a regular guy, unused to the thugs. The surveillance boat increases the excitement here. I was startled that Jack would crash into the maelstrom, risking his life and his son's. Maybe they would know how to save themselves or is it suicide? It's written with heightening intent after the hijackers destroyed the radio. Jack's character is so desperate that the story goes to a whole new stratum, it seems. Gripping! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Lichen Burn,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a realistic portrayal of a silenced gun, and the tension amps up quickly. Coluzzi’s just-doing-my-job expression makes this all the more chilling. The protagonist is under control of the same mobsters who have his daughter. In the next scene, I see he has even more to worry about, with the Royal Marines tracking him. Meanwhile, some cops are trying to save the daughter, but they’re fearful for her and themselves. Great cliffhanger. Great handling of suspense and tension.

I think you have a good pitch. In my fallible opinion, you could make it even better. I don’t think you need “In a race against time” or “but at what cost to himself?” Instead, use “will his wife ever forgive him?” as the cliffhanger and imply his danger with the bullets whizzing into speed boats. Also, I’d make his situation with the drug smugglers more clear, like you have it in your synopsis: He suspects some of his cargo is narcotics, but when he wants out of the deal the drug sellers kidnap his daughter. I appreciate how you refrain from cluttering your pitch with names.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Excellent from my reading so far and i found yoyr style very descriptive and seems to flow from one paragraph into the next. The sort of book in my opinion that you say to yourself, Ok just one more page and then you find you have read the lot and its only one hour before daybreak - anyway I've beacked this and good luck - andy

This starts off with a high level of excitement and action, with the Glasgow events, then reverts to a reasonable level again, but becomes more of the story of a family setting up an interesting new life in Scotland for several chapters. Probably, for the market this seems aimed for, you should try to sustain the thrill-quota, dropping to pause for breath only for short interludes. Of course, the charters are drug smuggling, and so on, but the extremely well written section up to that revelation could be shortened.
Personal opinion of an unpublished writer.
phil 'Eland Dances'

Didn't think the way the characters speak would be for me the most important thing in a thriller, but it is in this case. Abvsolutely brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Good atmosphere from the beginning. I think your dialogue is excellent. I’ve lived in Glasgow and you’ve really captured the accent.
Plenty of action from the outset with a good degree of sensual description to give a real sense of time and place.
Nits:
Paragraph starting ‘Jack was exhausted…’. Only because this is so near the beginning, you might consider revising this. There are a lot of rhetorical questions all alluding to more or less the same thing. You could use this opportunity to drop in a hint of the MC’s predicament.
‘least unsuccessful lights’ I know what you are saying but the double negative is a little sticky, although I do appreciate the wryness of the comment.

‘His brain swam in an unaccustomed porridge of violence.’ This is a great line.

I backed this a few days ago. Nicely done.

Interesting how this builds with slow hints: the man asking questions, being told to move on, people angry, kidnapped, 'same place as Jenny' ... making the reader think and speculate ... who is Jenny? Has she been kidnapped? Superb action scene when he gets a beating ... ghastly realism ... he obviously had made someone angry. 'Not altogether, no', nice to see his humour has survived. Hm, so do we have to go to Hong Kong to find the answers? 'A slow blink of his lizard eyes', neat phrase. In fact there are loads of these, 'His mental calendar showed a blank and his face reflected it'. Very convincing scene with Sarah.

This is excellent writing, Chris, and an absorbing, stylish thriller about a man's life slowly unravelling. I spotted a few suggestions for edits mostly in the earlier part of the extract (see below). But bar a bit of polishing, I think Maelstrom deserves to be successful ... backed.

Possible nits: Paragraph 3 starting 'Jack was exhausted' is a bit repetitive ... you could tighten it. 'least unsuccessful' do you mean 'more successful'? 'Eventually the vehicle slowed ... The vehicle [car] rocked'. Is there some reason for not showing the curious onlookers, i.e. are they male or female, young or old? 'I'll go down to the Board Room' if you make that 'I'll go down there', you'll avoid repeating Board 3 times.

The writing could be a bit more active in places, e.g. 'his attackers slipped some form of ligature over his wrists and lifted him as though he weighed no more than a sack of potatoes, and tipped him head-first into the open car boot. They grabbed his ankles, stuffing his feet neatly in after him'.

Hi Chris, great storyline, urgent prose with some perfect in-your-face descriptions, like "porridge of violence"
on my shelf.
I know you want picky comments so i read with a VERY picky eye. ;)
here's some micro edits that may make sense.
"He felt like going just as the man said, giving up and going home." - maybe avoid using "going" twice? - "He felt like doing just as the man said ..."
Maybe avoid "just" twice in close succession: "... relax and just go with the flow. For all he knew he was just ..."
"... same place as Jenny" - his daughter? reader could guess from the blurb, but maybe tell us who she is?
all in all, nice one.
best, andy

Compelling and well-crafted

'Two figures unglued themselves from the darkness" I like this story. Being from Scotland myself, and having studied in Glasgow, I was able to identify with your descriptive scenes and with the dialogue. I will come back to this. Many people who had read 'Trainspotting' asked me to translate some of the dialogue. When you write in the Scottish brogue, you might tend to lose some readers, but who cares!! Good luck.

Hi Chris, I liked your description and your use of metaphors

The third paragraph seemed a little confusing as Jack's inner dialogue tried to decide whether to leave the bar or not. You might want to tighten that up. "This is it Jack..." this paragraph here didn't feel right. I understand what your trying do, but I would consider revising...maybe if you'd used "I won't instead of will not" if would've rung true.

Over all I really liked this chapter. You've got a knack for withing this genre. I'd definitely read this.

Backed
Dwayne

What it says on the tin – your short pitch – spot on


This has been changed since I last read this, it’s very good

Maelstrom:

Chris,

The opening scene evokes the way life in the East End of Glasgow can be hard and unforgiving as Jack has to leave the bar for the harshness and cold of the street.
Ther abduction rings raw and true and when Jack gets to the stage where he thinks 'how dare they do this to me' I utterly share his indignationand anger, which is, as described, infectious.
The mystery of his destination brings a sinister hook to a story already charged with a sense of jeopardy for Jack.
As you conclude Chapter 1, there is no concession to cosiness as even Jack's helpers lean over him with the 'acrid tang of cigarettes, cheap perfume and sweaty armpits' - the meticulous selection of detail delivering a highly realistic and compelling sense of immediacy and leaving just the gentlest hint of the sinister connection to come from Hong Kong. You were determined to grab the reader and your devotion to detail has done so. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Throw both pitches into the forums and have people help you out with it. I am SHELVING in advance. I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is really good you are an excellent writer. You start your book off with the most powerful scene and any reader would find it gripping. You have some amazing lines – “His brain swam in an unaccustomed to a porridge of violence” Then we have poor Jack what a roller coaster life he has. A disaster going on in Beijing and it looks like his marriage isn’t going to last too long either. You have built up good tension and strong plots from the get go. It would be so easy to read on and get totally immersed in your book – You have a winner here.



Sue Mackender

Knowing Liam Riley

Hi Chris,

BACKED! Good crisp writing, although being American I had a bit of trouble with the Glaswegian dialect.
Best of luck.

Ray

This opens well, with tension and an immediate sense of place. Jack is knackered but driven. What's he looking for?

A whore. And suddenly he's got trouble. We are moving fast! That's the way I like it.

In the boot of the car. Now he's gonna get it.

"A dirty wee bugger and a nice clean shirt." You've got the voices perfectly and there's a grim humour here.

"They came fast, hard, shockingly." There's something wrong with that sentence. That final adverb. Rethink?

Then some gentle help up.

Then flashback. That dreaded device. But I think you've done more than enough to keep the reader.

I'm going to disappoint you by saying I don't think I can help much here. This is first class. Hard boiled but up to the minute, the dialect sounds spot on.

If I wasn't involved in a ridiculous read-a-thon as I try to get to the ED's desk I would certainly read more, just for pleasure. And when I get there (or give up) I might just come back and see what happens next.

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky" (desperate for readers in the race now!)

Wow this is just great! I have only read the opening but had to comment before I go back to read more. I can see lots is posted so I will be adding this to my list of 'ones to read' and will be coming back to this one.

Just fab!

Jo xx

Spoilt

The pitch seems sound, and the ideas workable.

It didn't take me long to see that this wasn't at all badly written. I like the Scottish dialect, but it was easy for me to read because I've lived there. Writing this sort of accent, you have to be both thorough in your choice of spellings, and consistent; it will still put some people off, though.

I'd like the prose to be a little more declarative; this is a thriller, so I'd prefer not to see too many multi-clausal or passive sentences, and try to cut placeholders like then, now, here, there etc. I wanted this to be just a little more hard-boiled in the delivery. I thought the beating scene was pretty well on the nose, though.

Backed,

Adelie High (Naming Names)

Grabs the readers attention right from the first line. What an exciting build up and so well written. This has all the making of a great thriller and it is a pleasure to back it. Great dialogue makes it a clear winner.

Loved the Glaswegian dialect, it really worked in for your story.
There is no doubt you are a good writer, you do a great job in opening the scenes, but I wonder if you need to say all of your MC's emotions, and which you can show through his actions? I'd like to watch the characters as well.
His brain swam in an unaccustomed porridge of violence - this is a great line, and this sort of overwriting is really suited to your story. I enjoyed what I read, you've got a good story here. Overall I only have one crit and that is your tendency to tell us what Jack thinks and feels and likes - rather than showing us and allowing the reader to interpret.
I hope is that's helpful.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

I read chapters 14 & 15. Nice tight writing. Good characterizations. Nice dialogue.

Totally works. Shame I don't the time to read more. Well, I'll pick it up when it's in stores.


Mark R. Trost
"Post Marked."

Great! East end of Glasgow. Someone thrown in the boot of a car - hey, have you been reading The Unfaithful Seven? - Snazzy, Glasgow dialogue and nicely visualised.

Now, reflecting what people told me when I came up with a first draft - and thanks to Stephen King for this too - remove as many of the "ly" words as you can. They clutter up the writing, and the writing should describe the situation better than all these pesky adverbs (and generally yours does I think).

I'm happy to give it a leg up the charts for a bit.

Wow, what an ending! Scary, gritty, in fact, positively nail-biting. Is Jenny dead or not? A thrilling thriller with all the pathos necessary to make your MC redeemable. Happy to have spent the time reading this. Jim D Serpent's Blood

Chris,
Cover: did you do it? really good!
Pitches: Short = Not convinced of the last line but the rest is good. Long=heheh, reads like something I'd enjoy...very good.
Text: Excellent rough start...gritty and tasty, like a poorly prepped clam that I still enjoyed! heh. bad description for this good work maybe heh.Man, I'm diggin the descriptions...really great work.
And I want to know how he got there and how he was getting out...
Best of luck with this!!
-=Bradley

Finally got here- sorry for the huge delay. I don't read masses of crime or thrillers so probably not the best for crit here. Ouch, a visceral first chapter and I liked the strong sense of place and the realistic dialogue. Watch out for cliches - I noticed a few (piercing eyes like daggers, impossible heels, siren call, black hole spring to mind). Never heard the phrase 'shit in the incense' before and love it!
It's a strong opening and I like the way it hints at what's happened without dumping backstory on us. Then back in time and a nice contrast with the neat orderly office (but oh, yawn yawn, elegant legs and so on...sorry, bit of feminism raising its head but again, it's cliched).
And then off again....
This cracks along with a good pace. Yup, it needs a bit of editing but from what I can see, it's pretty strong for its genre. I think you need to rework your pitch though as it comes across as very light. And from what I've read this isn't a particularly frothy book! Black humour, yes.... but I'd go for tighter, tenser pitches..
Happy to back you with it and huge good luck.
Jane
(no return read required!)

I found the first chapter powerful and gripping and made me want to turn over the page to find out what happened - so I will. The descriptions give us enough info without crowding us and the dialogue is realistic. I like the seediness of it all.
Backed
Christina

Chris, I was surprised how self-deprecating you were when you told me my book was not your cup of tea! You seemed to infer that I would not therefore appreciate yours. This is not the perfect book and would be strengthened by a full edit but it has many qualities. The book has real potential as a winning story. I have not read copious amounts but dipped in broadly. It is well paced, with convincing dialogue and good characterisation. it feels realistic and keeps the reader engaged. Nice effort.

Alexander *The Wisdom Tree and the Dormouse*

backed. For me this seems perfect weekend reading.
Exciting, surprising, original and down to earth..
All the best with it.No nits............Mikell The Free