A Matter of Trust

I hate your font... needs to be larger and this more easily read. But your storyline is edgy and the time setting great. I shelved primarily because I appreciate the dialogue, which doesn't sound contrived in the slightest and is truly reminiscent of teenage girls talking love, life and boys. If you fix the font, I think you could get many more readers here. L.x

This sounds fantastic - love the late 80s setting as someone from there myself. As my MC's also on the verge opf womanhood I'm particularly interested to see where this one goes.

Yes, that's not a bad idea Rixi and I might use it. I am also reviewing Part 1 to possibly make it more of a major part instead of a brief introduction to the girls. I certainly found however that close friends at school were usually either very similar or very different. Of myself and two of my closest friends around this age, the main differences were one had a younger sister and one had an older brother, whereas I was an only child. If anything, I felt I made Vicky and Amanda too different.

Oh dear... I'm not offended by the gayness in this story. I'm not offended at all and I can assure you, no raw nerve was touched! I'm very sorry if I came across so. I was more, frustrated at the story and writing. I don't want to repeat myself but I don't think everyone reacts the same as I demonstrated in my earlier comment.

If you intend each chapter as a snapshot, perhaps title your chapters, saying how far we've gone ahead and what segment of their lives we're in.

Rixi, likewise, I am sorry if you feel offended by my writing as it seems to have touched a raw nerve to provoke this response. Obviously gay issues are something people feel strongly about, though it would be wrong to think that everyone has had the same experience of discovering their sexuality or coming out.
I do agree that part 1 sits a little uncomfortably as an introduction to the characters, but if you had carried on to parts 3 and 4, you would see that each part is intended as a snapshot into their lives. I do, however, appreciate that the book was not for you and thank you for taking the time to read it and to put across your views.
I won't go into all your points, but one I feel I must defend is that the girls find the decision easy. Without spoiling the book for others who will hopefully make up their own minds, it is a decision that they do not fully make at this point, since there are still doubts, especially once they reach university.

I've read the first two chapters.

I feel absolutely nothing for your characters. Vicky and Amanda aren't people to me, they don't feel real. They come across as cardboard cut outs with the author speaking from behind them. There is no depth or feeling put in to your characters and it's quite obvious they're saying what you want to say. If they were developed characters it would be easier for you to have them say what they need to rather than what you think they should. A character should run away with you, they should be a real person to you.

There's very little to believe in the first two chapters. You've rushed through it. The whole thing with Philip and his dad? Happened too quick. She's known about him for what, a week? She's in love? And tells Philip this straight away? Hardly. I trust you want young girls to identify with this story and I don't see how you can expect a normal 17 year old girl to read this and believe that someone like her would openly admit to telling a boy she's talked to for one day that she's in love with him and for him to say it back. It wouldn't happen. The attempted rape was also completely unbelievable. A, it happened in broad daylight with her best friend in tow. A rapist is an opportunistic criminal. He waits for their victim to be alone, vulnerable. He's far more likely to attack her when she's alone, walking in the dark. Less chance of him being caught. B, Where was the development? Where was the feeling? You just plonked it down on the page and expected me, the reader, to believe it. Quite frankly, I didn't. And so I didn't care that she was being attacked. Why should I? There's no character development, depth or feeling to make me appreciate or care about her and then her boyfriends dad tries it on in a populated park in the middle of the day.

In the second chapter, you move a year forward with no explanation why, you completely dismiss the attempted rape, which I assume was meant to be pivotal in the first chapter, as well as Philip whom she supposedly loved, it makes the first chapter completely pointless. Since there was no attempt to make me feel for your characters in chapter 1, I can read chapter 2 without it and be in exactly the same place.

You rush through the holiday in a desperate attempt to get to the admission of love (again love with no development, it happens far too quickly - you might say their friendship is the development but it isn't made to be believable. You simply tell us that they are best friends and we are meant to believe it) and the gratuitous sex acts. I'm not a prude, if sex is needed for the story to develop - all for it, but there was no need to describe their love-making. Again, it was pointless. It did nothing to the story.

Moving away from the lack of character and actual story, your style of writing is very rushed. You don't put much description in or attempt to insinuate feeling for your characters. You simply put facts down and tell us to believe them. You repeat yourself through character speech as well as through narrative. There isn't much here to encourage a reader to go past the first few paragraphs.

And the realisation of their sexuality? Completely unbelievable. I don't assume that I know how every single gay person feels when they begin to question but doubts are not resolved in a morning. Personally, it took me 6 years to come to terms with my sexuality but my girlfriend didn't need to - she was perfectly OK with it from day one. I know it varies but, you did no exploring, nothing that the countless other coming-out stories have to do in order to be considered for publishing. You didn't explore anything and this severely disappoints me.

I pushed through hoping to find something positive to comment on but when I reached the end of the second chapter I just couldn't be bothered any more. I know this sounds harsh and I apologise for that, I really wanted to find something positive to put down but I couldn't.

If I were you, I would seriously consider revising this. I would explore the characters, their feelings and put more focus on that. I'd develop the story so my readers genuinely feel for my characters. I'd try to make my dialogue more realistic and true to the individual characters (also making it slightly more obvious as to who it is that's speaking as you confuse Vicky and Amanda quite often).

Although these sorts of gay stories have been done to death, you can pull out a gem if you get the characters and the story just right. It would be more interesting to read a story about an already established gay couple, as they rarely get centre stage in any media, but you could develop this idea to something much better than you have here.

I am very sorry if I've offended you but, I had to say something after reading this.