La Cienega Just Smiled

This story is gorgeous and I love how hooked I am after just one chapter. The title is great and the mood is perfect - not many authors are capable of capturing a mood so effectively in the first chapter.

Wish I could give you bonus points for the title, by the way. :)

Backed, of course.

Courtney

Sixth grade is about 12 years old here in the states.

Nice story, with hook in every chapter as it unfolds. Good characters in a believable situation. Should find wide readership in your market. Only suggestion for improvement - noticed while reading ch6 that the language seems a touch formal, if that's the right word, notably in Scott's commentary, his thoughts. Perhaps more contractions eg 'I'd' rather than 'I had' and so on.

I love the sentiments of the old blind woman in your pitch. I am going to use that one as often as I can. This is a delightful story, and a peep into the mind of teens of today. You have captured the essence of your characters exceedingly well, and I am happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Brilliant work.
Backed
Helen
The Last Dream

Hi Leslie,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

How did I miss this?? What a great story for young adults. You certainly have your finger on the pulse of how teens relate these days! Reyna is such a great character. Well done so far! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Charming opening, and the kind of easy tension of the relationship matures for the second chapter. There are times when you go to first-person that "I" really dominates. If you can write around that, the narrative will be first-rate. I think your characters and story come together to offer more appeal than the typical romance. Happy to back it.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Want to read the rest. Not fair. i have never been to a resturant to be served a fabulous apetizr and then be told the chef gone home, no main course. Please post some more;

Wow! This is SOoooooooGooood for YA. Clever and insightful. Wonderful read.

backed with pleasure

This is beautiful writing. That's what struck me from the first instance. You use a simple style, modulating it carefully as you proceed and your characters mature, and it's stunningly effective. I would buy this in a second and read it in one sitting. Your dialogue is believable and your characters painfully real.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Backed
Splinker
B.D.S.T.

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

I have you added to my watchlist to read and I will give comments as I go...I have a SC based book as well...and was a former teacher (now homeschool momma) so feel your stress nearing the end of the school year...good luck on your writing. Jen, Bridges

I have you added to my watchlist to read and I will give comments as I go...I have a SC based book as well...and was a former teacher (now homeschool momma) so feel your stress nearing the end of the school year...good luck on your writing. Jen, Bridges

I really like your writing style. It is easy on the eyes and I can just enjy it. I really want to tuck in to bed with this book and read.. its that kind of book.
well done
backed

Abi Dare
The Small Print

Interesting how you tie your story into real world events. I can feel the emotion you desire in the first chapter. Backed with pleasure!

Thanks so much for the read!

Interesting how you tie your story into real world events. I can feel the emotion you desire in the first chapter. Backed with pleasure!

Ms DuBois, good job on those first two chapters. Good mix of narrative and dialogue. Nothing to nitpick there.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I like the way you tied this story into a real event. Gives it a sense of immediacy and really happening. I live near a street La Cienega. I'll have to explore why it has that name (I doubt it has anything to do with a smile). In the meantime, this is a good read. I'm going to read some more. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Thanks for your story, Denise. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Please back my TWO books.Thanks, Susie :)

Who is Denise?

Thanks for your story, Denise. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Please back my TWO books.Thanks, Susie :)

Beatifully written story. The opening chapter sets the stage perfectly. Reyna is a very engaging character, so is Scott. And La Cienega's smile -- what a concept, what a title.

awwww!! how charming!

Lisa~
Brewer House

I read the first chapter, your writing is very smooth and believable, characters are so real. SHELVED

BD nelson
Abigail's Cries
Scorned

Did I ever tell you how good a writer you are?

A natural gift for narative, though I would have preferred to stay in 2002 you take us forward six years and manage to convey all the space inbetween in a few words and gestures. Great narative trick, starting with the pain and that desire to win. It conveys so much of Scott's character. Reyna's enduring love, we know Scott's an idiot. And then the pushy mother.

Great stuff and shelved - why did I miss this when you put it up? That's my only question.

Leslie, whilst reading your opening chapters I concluded that you really know the difference between show and tell, your character descriptions are fantastic! On top of that the plots great and it’s easy to read. You have a great book. Backed.

George (The Touch of God)

I like your characters. Very believeable from the very start. The beginning of the grabs the attention too. Just be wary of including sentences that are a little too long. Otherwise this is great. Backed. Colin

After reading your manuscript, I remembered what I loved about reading
This is a very interesting manuscript. It is well written and speaks to a variety of readers
You have a flair for connecting your readers with your characters. This is no small feat.
It feels real and not forced. You should be very proud.
This is undeniably suspenseful
Once I started reading, I could not put it down
I wish you the best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I am really enjoying reading your story. Your characters are very well defined. The beginning is interesting and invites the reader to want to read more! May you have much success in publishing and your work becoming a movie! I'll be looking for both! Backed!!!
Marie DuGar Bell
'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Leslie,
There is something very special in your book.I got completely hooked and read all the nine chapters, although it is not my normal type of book to read. I like the story very much and I think you write very well. It is a pleasure for me to put your book on my shelf.
Good luck
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

I've read your first two chapters. This is very compelling - I'd be happy to read on. Scott's mysterious injury and his remarkable stoicism are, of course, brilliant hooks. But what we're really interested is Reyna. Your charming first chapter binds that relationship into the heart of the story. If it weren't for the pitch, however, I would be at present very confused about 'La Cienega', which is dropped into the first chapter without any explanation. I'm torn between thinking that the first chapter is a good beginning because it sets out the most important relationship in the book, and thinking that you ought to have the scene between Ryena and La Cienega which you describe in the pitch as the first chapter, or a prologue. Something to think about, perhaps - although possibly I'm being a little too picky. A bit of mystery shouldn't do any harm, I suppose!

Happy to back this,

Alexandra

Thanks for the commnts. Very good points. That's a good idea to make the prologue about Reyna and La Cienega.

Hi, I have read 5 chapters and I love this story. I love your writing voice as well, but you DO have a POV issue. You go from Scott narrating to a third person unnamed narrator between chapters 4 and 5. This is VERY correctable and I feel that correcting it is critical to getting this book where it belongs: on the editor's desk.
Loving regards, Callaghan Grant (The Shouting Tree)

The POV shifts from omniscient 3rd in the prologue, to first person Scott to third person Reyna.

Hi, I have read 5 chapters and I love this story. I love your writing voice as well, but you DO have a POV issue. You go from Scott narrating to a third person unnamed narrator between chapters 4 and 5. This is VERY correctable and I feel that correcting it is critical to getting this book where it belongs: on the editor's desk.
Loving regards, Callaghan Grant (The Shouting Tree)

Yeah, the first chapter really does capitivate. Read it a while back but was too busy to comment propery and wanted to wait until I had more time. This is really great writing so far and the story pitch really drew me in. I am on to chapter 2.

Hello Super woman. Your book flows effortlessly, Leslie. Not my preferred genre, but it is easy to imagine many others appreciating the good writing here. Shelved, Scott.

Wonderful start and with a bit of tweaking I think it will be a great Y/A romance.

Loved your title. Reyna is a great character.

Missed compound adjectives: “sixth-graders (noun)

The author needs to work on comma placement.

-----Conan the Grammarian

“I dare you to kiss me,” Reyna said as they sat on the merry-go-round, sharing their lunch. Scott actually preferred to eat meat, but because Reyna ate vegetarian, so would he.

The POV is shaky. VERY shaky. It’s not clear whether it’s omniscient POV, Scott’s POV, or Reyna’s POV. From long experience, I would recommend new authors NOT write in omniscient POV. It’s harder than it looks. I would recommend getting inside a character’s head and STAYING there.

First Rule of Limited POV: Your POV character’s name is mentioned FIRST when the novel starts.

Second Rule of Limited POV: Establish your POV at the start of your novel just as hard as you can. At the beginning “Scott actually preferred to eat meat” could be either Scott’s POV or omniscient. Once you have firmly established POV, a single sentence like “Scott actually preferred to eat meat” can work just fine.

Here is that paragraph from Reyna’s POV.

“I dare you to kiss me,” Reyna said as she and Scott sat on the merry-go-round, sharing her strictly vegetarian lunch. She watched Scott munch on his carrot sticks and try to look satisfied. She knew Scott actually preferred meat.

(“they” is incorrect because the antecedents for “they” have not been established. “they” can’t be used until the reader knows who “they” is referring to. That is not the case here.)

Note the word “Reyna” is only used once. Your second use of the word “Reyna” made me think this might be omniscient. People don’t think of themselves in the third person.

“to eat” was removed under the minimum-words rule. The sentence was the same without it.

Here is that paragraph from Scott’s POV.


Scott sat on the merry-go-around with Reyna, trying to look satisfied as he munched on carrot sticks. He liked meat lots better, he thought, feeling carrots crumble in his mouth.

“I dare you to kiss me,” Reyna said.


Hmm, you keep swapping POV throughout this entire scene. This is a big no-no. You can shift POV from scene-to-scene, but not WITHIN a scene.

“you can practice on me,” LOL. Reyna is a little minx, isn’t she.


My $0.02. As always, I speak with the calm confidence of someone who has never sold a word.

Leslie:

I absolutely love the premise of La Cienega Just Smiled.

In my opinion, the title does not do justice to this fine story. It's a bit of a mouthful and if I were scanning a bookshelf, I would pass it by. I can honestly say, it would be my loss.

Backed with the best of luck,

Candace Bowen Early (A Knight of Silence)

Thanks for the read!

Leslie:

I absolutely love the premise of La Cienega Just Smiled.

In my opinion, the title does not do justice to this fine story. It's a bit of a mouthful and if I were scanning a bookshelf, I would pass it by. I can honestly say, it would be my loss.

Backed with the best of luck,

Candace Bowen Early (A Knight of Silence)

You've captured your characters well. The description of of his pain in the second chapter is well done--not too maudlin, not underdone. Backed.

Great catch, thanks!

This is confident, involving and fluid writing. I wouldn't ordinarily have looked at it based purely on the title, but the opening chapter had me hooked.

Tiny nitpick from Ch4; it's "Your last six girlfriends have all been blondes" rather than you're :)
Oh, and I love that we all assume Sam Kincaid is a guy until you reveal otherwise. Nice touch.

This is confident, involving and fluid writing. I wouldn't ordinarily have looked at it based purely on the title, but the opening chapter had me hooked.

Tiny nitpick from Ch4; it's "Your last six girlfriends have all been blondes" rather than you're :)
Oh, and I love that we all assume Sam Kincaid is a guy until you reveal otherwise. Nice touch.

Beautifully written. empathetic characters and you actually have me reading about an athlete.

Patricia

Well, for a start Wanna-be, from reading your profile, I would say that far from being a 'wanna-be' you're a down-right 'doing it all, already' kind of woman! Makes me feel tired just reading it.. On to your book, well you have a great talent and it is really well-written with great intelligence. I do wonder though, rather like with my own book, where this fits - if it has a natural ready-made readership with it being YA with a male protagonist (do they read much, young men? - you would know better than I, as a teacher). This is a problem I have come up against with trying to sell my book and I wonder if you would face the same problem. This is far from a criticism, it's more a problem with the 'genre-fitting' mentality of publishers, because you have a wonderful book here told with a strong voice and I enjoyed it very much. Tania, This Last Summer

Reyna comes acoss as smart, assertive and likable. Scott comes across as more uncertain and more socially tenative than Reyna, yet he too is likable, Your descriptions are cinematic ... and more. I can feel Scott's shoulder pain and his panic. You fill your story with real dialogue. Unique voices. Crissp, clever conversations. Your tight narrative fleshes out your characters exquisitely. I love your use of language. Similies such as 'like a pig caught between a wolf and a slaughter house' add much depth to your writing. Your pacing held my attention. This is a touching, fresh YA romance. Backed.

I loved your opening scene. I was hooked from the beginning and wanted to know what happened next.
Happily backed,
Tracy
The Guardians

Okay, love this! A YA read with a male MC is refreshing, and this one delivers. Excellent! (In answer to Scott's question, I will say that the Norse gods are good looking...at least in my book. :)). Looking forward to watching this one!

HJ
The Pearl Edda

LOL! Thanks!

Okay, love this! A YA read with a male MC is refreshing, and this one delivers. Excellent! (In answer to Scott's question, I will say that the Norse gods are good looking...at least in my book. :)). Looking forward to watching this one!

HJ
The Pearl Edda

Reyna's spontaneity is natural and engaging in her approach to Scott while Scott, somewhat bemused, is equally likeable in his own way as he fantasises, instead,about Amanda. Clearly, we are already in the domain of romance with which your YA target readership would surely identify.
Memories of Amanda's village in Puerto Rico, the land romantic in itself, are specially charged with romance for Scott. But when Reyna perseveres, positive on the kissing front, and Scott can only do what a red blooded male can do with hormones in turmoil, we wonder whether the deeper affection for Amanda will slip out of his hands in exchange for the fleeting moment's titillation with Reyna.
With disablement on the horizon for the poor Scott, I want to read on to see what pathos this brings into the relationship between Scott and the elusive Amanda. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This is such a lovely opening and premise. Thank you for backing Bait and bringing me consquently to this!

I like this. Backed, Dave