Zero Conformity

ZERO CONFORMITY: A well named novel! I am no expert on sci-fi, because I rarely read it as a genre, but if all of was a well written as this one I might be tempted to become a fan.
The opening chpater was so taut I could feel the tension twanging like my guitar string when it's overtuned. great bit of writing.
As the chpaters followed I was very impressed with both, the story line and the use of dialogue. Both were crisp and fast, they were also very believable. It is a pity there is so little on the site ... I might still be reading!

backed and i hope any other sci-fi I come across amtches this standard.

Rev Raven Scott (love is a colour too)

This is not only an intriguing opening chapter, but it is surprisingly realistic and very believable for sci fi because your writing makes it so. You breathe life into this opening scene and I can't wait to read more. Backed with pleasure and the promise to return,
Marissa
By Flame's Light
(Thank you for backing mine!)

Zero Conformity

I love this story. Your scenes are very well laid out and vivid. Characters are feisty, just like younguns are supposed to be. Sometimes it gets a little amusing how Catilin and James are always challenging every little thing. They certainly do know how to provoke each other.

The elemental detail is fascinating and even believable. It falls together nicely within the context of sci fi. I am really enjoying reading it. I hope you post more at some point and let me know when you do.

Thank you for backing my book, A King in Time. I truly appreciate that. I am backing yours in anticipation of more.

Mary Enck

It is nice to read a fantasy book where you can tell the writer put a lot of time into developing the story. Some sci-fi/fantasy work leaves you guessing about who is who and what is going on but this one is easy to follow while being very complex and well written. Good read.

Ila - very intense opening, and quite mysterious. I find myself being pulled in, wondering who this girl is, what's happening to her and why. Couldn't help but dive into chapter 2.

Best of luck with this.
Steve
'Epiphany' and 'At the Narrow End of Time'

I have read all the chapters you included and I like what I have read so far. I have backed and rated. Are you planning on adding more chapters?

Hi ILA,

My brain is mush, so I don’t recall if I’m here on a return read or if we agreed to do a read swap. Either way, I’m here and am finding your story very intriguing!

Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

I like your short pitch, and I don’t say that often. It’s simple, clean and a definite hook.

You say “series” twice in two sentences. Kind of sounds redundant.

That first paragraph is a synopsis. Give me a hook. We don’t need all this detail for the pitch.
That first sentence (really first two sentences) need to be broken up a bit, I think. It kind of runs on.
Should be a comma before and after “Catlin”

Again, I love the premise, but the pitch needs a scrub. Whittle it down to the hooks and be careful not to clutter it with too much back story. You want to get them to read. You do not want to tell them what happens or develop the plot here.

Prologue

Why is the whole thing in italics? I immediately think this is in her head (which is the reason you might use italics here). Is it a dream? Are they necessary?

That first line is exceptional. Great lead-in hook.

“pierced calf muscle” Huh? Kind of awkward. Do they have rings in them, or are they pierced by the bindings? Needs clarity.

Needs to be a comma after “complex” to avoid confusion

“had been useless to her” drop the “to her” unless…are they useful to someone else?

“You know what, I can do.” First, this is two sentences. Second, it doesn’t make sense to me. I can do what? Or…I think what you mean is…”you know what I can do?” No comma and it needs a question if this is what you mean to say.

“What would you then do?” should be “What would you do then?” IMO

There are other examples of awkward lines that make certain parts a bit tedious. That said, the set up and storytelling are excellent. I think a few scrubs would help a lot and really bring out the flavor of this prologue that you’ve so wonderfully established.

Chapter one

“well travelled” needs to have a hyphen

“against the bare skin of her arms” why not condense to “against her bare arms”

Should be a comma after “for a moment”

“which made it” change to “that made it” for flow

“A part of her wondered” why not just “she wondered…”

Needs to be a comma after “In the last two years” Mind the subordinate clauses

Like the prologue, I think this chapter could be scrubbed, which isn’t a huge deal. Most of us are in that boat. The prologue is a much better “hook” than this, but I think that’s OK. I like that this differs dramatically in tone. While the prologue is more fantastical with suspense built in, which are good qualities for a hook, this chapter is almost intentionally ordinary in how you get into the mind of the MC. I think that’s actually good, because you quickly establish her as an ordinary person. That’s important, because in all (most) good fantasies, the extraordinary happen to ordinary folk. That’s what makes it so intriguing. This is a great set up for that.

I’m not surprised to see this book doing so well so quickly, and wish you the best of luck with it!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Zero Conformity

Short Pitch: This works fine, although I wondered if it might be possible to stick something in suggesting the adventure content of the thing.

Long Pitch: I must say that I find pitches extremely difficult myself. My feeling about this one is that it is too much like a prologue. Since you have one of those wouldn’t it be better to put this explanation somewhere in there and use the pitch solely for selling the idea to potential readers? One little worry: the name ‘Catilin’ is awfully close to Caitlin.

Use of language. One of the things that I have learnt is that application of the idea that ‘less is more’ is really quite easy. Look, for example, at your first paragraph and the sentence: ‘A noise from…’ Try deleting the first use of ‘her’ – you’ll find it makes no difference to the meaning but tightens the expression up. There are, in fact, ten occurrences of that pronoun in just this first paragraph. I find, once you ‘see’ this kind of thing you can easily edit through and quickly sharpen up the text. The fifth paragraph provides another easy example. Delete the word ‘down’ and notice that it is directly implied in the rest of the meaning – making it a redundant word.

Author intrusion: this can be OK, at least I think so. Others disagree. But I think it is important not to allow it in the first parts of a work. Here you need to firmly establish the voice of the piece and of the characters, so your own (narrative) intrudes. Here’s one subtle example: ‘In the last two years Catilin had moved around a lot.’ This is said ‘outside’ the context of the scene that you are establishing and so it reminds the reader that there is an outside view and throws them out of the story. Do you see what I mean?

You start to build a good picture in chapter one of a frightened young woman with significant ‘powers’. I did wonder though, given that she is no wimp, why she didn’t just run from the place she was in once she realised there was a problem signalled by the noise. If she yelled and ran wouldn’t the others just follow her?

You handle the change of POV very well in chapter two – I didn’t notice any jarring details. It’s a thing many cannot carry off and you do it easily.

- Zero Conformity -

(the preface and chapters one and two)

It's quite difficult for me to comment on science fiction or young adult as I don't possess the skills required to write in these genres myself. On top of that, I am a novice as a writer so any and all remarks here may be taken with a pinch of salt.

I very much enjoyed the preface, although this should probably be called a 'prologue'. A preface is a non-fiction introduction written by the author or a short essay type piece written by someone else to introduce the work.

In any case, the opener is full of tension, action, mystery and betrayal. An excellent hook into the story.

In chapter one, I enjoyed the mix of the day to day, humdrum problems of the girl, suddenly counterbalanced and mixed in with more fantastical, sci-fi elements.

Chapter two was a nice switch to James's POV and brought in a bit of sexual tension/chemistry between the lead protagonists. More interest in the plot for the reader there.

I have some nitpicky-type comments. As I mentioned above, I'm a novice so I make no claim to being right about these things.

- in the opener, I think the following sentence would be more readable if a comma were added after 'comlplex'.

'From the moment she'd entered the complex her powers had been useless to her.'

- In chapter one, I noticed a lot of different verbs were used as dialogue tags. There is probably some debate on this but I always have the feeling when reading dialogue that I am distracted if too many evocative verbs are used because I have to stop and imagine the characters doing all of these things. This can also make the pictures of them in my mind seem melodramatic and over the top. For example, in chapter one we hear that the characters pout, scold, and groan in quick succession. Then one of them gawks. These actions, particularly the physical actions, leave a strong imprint but distracted me from the conversation. Personally, I find it more readable when they author either doesn't stray from 'he said' 'she said' or, even better, manages to omit dialogue tags altogether by making who is speaking and how they are speaking clear from context. For example, in the sentence:

'Don't do that,' she scolded.....

....'she scolded' is unnecessary as the way the character speaks is clear from the abrupt content of the dialogue.

As I say, these are just my opinions.

Definitely good writing in there though and I'm certain Zero Conformity will appeal to fans of the genre.

All the best with it,

Ross

Preface

Great intro. I love when books start out with the unknown. Who is this girl? And she has powers? But they don't work. And someone, I'm assuming bad, is chasing her. She has chains on so she is escaping from someone or someplace.

Two-Tone? Nice.

What an intriguing story so far. You have me curious of what the story is about and, still, why she is running.

Great story and well written. Had to back it.
All the best
Kirk

zero conformity.....
you indeed provide a fast face story. well written... great job...
rated 5 stars.... just give me two or three this to back this...
yours,
sergev

I love how you've dropped us right into conflict with the preface. There's a clear tension that I felt right away as she tried to escape. There are also a lot of unanswered questions established in this opening chapter. Nice job building intrigue.

The writing is tight and polished. Your sentences flow smoothly together. You're definitely a talented writer.

You've created a fascinating character with Catilin. Her inability to settle has me curious, and you drop your reader right into her mind, almost like you're writing first person, yet your not. Very effectively written third person. I like how you introduce her abilities; it's good characterization.

Well done dialogue between James and Catilin. You develop their relationship well, while moving their dialogue along steadily with realistic, fast-paced responses. Thank you for avoiding tags when they're unnecessary. It definitely made the conversation feel real.

Excellent hook at the end of the first chapter; it had me turning right to the next even though my wife is hollering about it being dinner time.

I like that you've decided to write from both perspectives. In my opinion, this helps make the novel even more marketable, appealing to male and female readers.

Suggestions: There's some telling in here (i.e. Her pace was agonisingly slow.) that would be stronger if you showed it. It would bring your reader into the story better. Really watch out for "was" and "were" as they are the two most obvious signs of it. In fact, this was the only real issue I came across. Your writing is so strong otherwise. You're a gifted enough writer to avoid this.

Typos: Should be: "well-traveled." Any time you have two words serving as one adjective, you need to hyphenate them. Other than that, you did a great job editing this! It was nice to sit back and enjoy the read.

This is an outstanding start, and I look forward to seeing how you tie the preface to the rest of the novel! Highly rated and recommended!

Dear Ila,
It takes great creative imagination to produce a successful SF novel. Being a lover of the genre, i feel this could be a very exciting story, even though i only read to chapter three.
The preface was a bit confusing for me. I understood Two-Tone to be the woman in chains, but then the Hateling is introduced and although there isn't much communication coming from him/it, i wondered if that was Two-Tone. Jack's Character is very real and he kept me reading.
Tiny Typo: Third paragraph of chapter one I believe you mean, "neither one brought (bought)Catilin's lame story."
Best of luck with this.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

I read your preface and first two chapters.

General comments: An interesting start. A dynamic, quirky main character. Vivid descriptions. I'm there. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the preface:
1) Your second sentence hooked me. Consider starting with it.
2) 'It was easier said than done' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) 'I'm very disappointed in you Two-Tone.' Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and don't offset their name or title with commas.
4) 'How can anything about this me make me perfect?' Delete the first 'me.'

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Not now Cat,' James groaned. Comma after 'now.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or tile with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem
2) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page with that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Don't say what on Earth James.' Comma after 'Earth.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) Hyphenate 'off white.'
3) Another excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fine day.

Al

lLA, What a rivitating, fast paced,imaginative, but believable storyline. I love it. Your characters are strong, relatable, inviting, and well rounded. Their natural dialogue pulls you in and you feel like you're a part of the adventure. You build tension extremely well, and I could see this being a box office smash, with lots of followers, like those of Star Trek.

I could not put this down once the story got rolling.. now for the things that I feel would really polish this up.

Firstly, you need to give some clarity as to the different human's that exist, and a key to explain the powers of each just so the reader doesn't have to go back and reread. For the typo's, have someone read out loud for you so you can hear what is typed because you will read it the way you wrote it..helps me other than that I think this can be a tremendous success...Great imagery, fantastic concept and likabble, believable characters well done Backed Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Ian,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The narrative is one of moment by moment description which for the YA narrative is about right

The first chapter works as a hook.

The jewel in your style is the urgency you build. That is, the ability to use dialogue and description to build up tension. This is done primarily by the use of concrete language and dialogue with colloquialisms that compress it.
well done.

Some of my favorites

"staggered walk"

"You shouldn't pout...you are not good at it"

"the first thing about her kind "

"slinked her way"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"It was unbearable"
"and rational thought"
Don't name the emotions, instead use body language to describe them
why?
Because if you name them what flashes in the reader's mind is the word
If you use body language to describe the readers feels it
(i.e. he started breathing in lapses, bump...bump, every breathing accelerating her pulse...bump...bump)

There is a fair amount of double telling
"Without warning, she found herself crashing"
if she is crashing, obviously it happened without warning. Right?

"Catlin sighted...."
In one sole paragraph you name Catlin 3 time.
One would suffice

Hope it helps

Overall, wonderful

david

Intriguing, compelling and very well-written. Great characters that are three-dimensional and interesting. Very easy to read.

Carol
The Lorestone.

ILA,

I just read the prologue and the first chapter of ZERO CONFORMITY. The prologue is fairly well written even though I didn't really know what was going on. I assume I wasn't supposed to know what was going on and that it will all become clear later in the book.

The first chapter, however, is not nearly as well written. There are several grammar and style issues:

In the first paragraph of Chapter 1, you write, "A part of her wonder if it . . ." Make it "wondered". In that same sentence, you have a shift in verb tense (i.e., "keeping" should be "that kept"). Indeed, you use a lot of past perfect tense combined with present sense impressions, so it's a little odd. The sentence that reads, "There was something about the California sunshine which made it easy for her . . ." could be changed to "Something about the California sunshine made it easy for her . . . " Don't you think that's less clunky? And the last sentence of the first paragraph does something funky with the POV after you've narrated the first several sentences from Caitlin's perspective. You write, "It felt strange to think she'd been here for six already." It felt strange to who? Why not something more straightforward like, "Caitlin thought it was strange . . . " or "Caitlin couldn't believe . . ."

Likewise, in the third paragraph, you write, "Across the street from Caitlin was a group of preteen boys" but you could write, "A group of preteen boys stood across the street." It seems to me that you need to go back through your text and strive to write your sentences in a crisper, more immediate manner. To that end, strive to avoid using passive voice (e.g., "was pushed"; "was overtaken").

Flowery, descriptive prose is fine, but you don't have any here. Rather, you have cumbersome sentences (like the one I quoted above) that contain extra words for no reason. You write, "It was clear to Caitlin they wanted boasting rights." but the story is all told from Caitlin's perspective, so it adds nothing to write "It was clear to Caitlin." In other words, if you just wrote, "They wanted boasting rights" we would know that fact is clear to Caitlin because the third person narrator is telling the story from Caitlin's point of view. Also, delete "A feeling of" so the sentence states only "static began to prickle through her hair." Similarly, delete "Caitlin knew" so the sentence states only "She had just over sixty seconds . . . ."

What is a "sweeping glance"? That seems like a contradiction. Regardless, cut that sentence down: "She glanced in both directions and allowed . . . ."

How does a person laugh in quiet amusement? That seems like an odd phrase. Do you mean she laughed to herself? "The yelp of pain she received from the boy was more than satisfactory" is another example of your tendency to write unnecessarily convoluted sentences. How about, "The boy's yelp satisfied her"? Lose, "To Catilin's knowledge"

I just realized this character's name is Catilin, not Caitlin. That's also pretty weird when Caitlin is a common name. But it's your book.

Why does she "glance towards" her friend? Doesn't this girl look at anything? Passive voice again in the sentence, "On James's feet were his trademark midnight blue trainers." It should be "James wore his trademark midnight blue trainers."

You write, "She lifted her eyes to meet with his brown ones and tried hard to ignore the serious look on his oriental face." First, oriental isn't exactly p.c. (at least where I live), so you may want to go with Asian. Better yet, work the fact that James is Asian subtly into the text rather than bashing your reader over the head with it. Should your reader assume that every other character in the book (like Catilin and the boys across the street) are all white because you haven't told us otherwise? Second, you're writing your clunky sentences again. Try this: "She met his brown eyes." (the first part of the sentence is too wordy and the last part of the sentence adds nothing in light of the very next sentence that tells us James was always serious).

I'll stop now. You might have a good story here, but the writing is not strong enough for me to want to read further. You need to spend a lot of time studying the elements of style. No matter how original your plot may be, you won't attract an audience if you can't execute.

Good luck,

Rob

I read some more and came back to rate you under the new star-system (Quite appropriate for your book eh?) Still enjoying this book. well done. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

aWESOME!~ I'm so backing you!

"The Earth's Knob"

Alan J. Cedeno

Hi Ila,

There are a afew typos and tense slips in this story and it takes all the first chapter before it gets going but once it does, it becomes quite exceiting, though I'm afraid it isn't for me.

Your preface contains a large block of text in italics. This is not easy on the eye and it isn't necessary, especially as you have it as a seperate chapter.

You need to sort out those typos, but good luck with it.

Ron

Your sentences drip with prose and I love that! This is not typically my genre, but your talent is unmistakable. You drew me in with your oh-so-interesting narrative. With a less skilled writer, narrative can be dry. Yours is far from it.

Backed by me with pleasure!
Cori
"Princess"

Very intriguing, with great characters and a well thought out plot. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Intriguing first chapters. Well-animated charaters and visuals.

I noticed a few typos and misplaced commas (i.e. "You know what, I can do" would read more easily without a comma. "You know what I can do" and maybe even italicizing the word of most emphasis, whether that word is "know" or "I".) Be sure to edit carefully.

Elizabeth Love
(Pouring the Cup)

This is a return backing to thank you for supporting my book during my illness. I am recovering slowly and the prognosis is very, very good for me. Good luck with your writing. If you would like a full comment mail me reminding me of this backing in a few weeks time. love Mary

I share your passion for fantasy and you have a great voice! I've already become lost in your world and let me say it is captivating!! (Interesting choice of spelling for one of your mc's --Catilin -- my first name is Caitlin, I keep thinking its misspelled:) Definitely unique story and great choice of names. Your world is well-rounded as well. Nicely structured.

Great job here and gladly backed!

CSAndersen

Your brilliant, dynamic science fiction story grabbed me and kept me riveted. Credible characters. Crisp dialogue. Effective world building. Vital writing. Backed.

Hi. Apologies but I am not sure if my comments and backing got through to you y'day, as another reader said my comment did not get through; So I am re-mailing it and re-Backing you, just in case.
Your book prolong and title are interesting enough to pull in a reader to give it a second longer look. I read the first few chapters and it starts off with a good 'hook', which is then explained. All I would suggest in my humble view is that as the initial premise of the un-synced multi-universe, you must get the reader to fully accept / understand the possiblity of this. Not scientifically, but on a personal and theoretical level. Then the reader can get fully into the story. But I loved the ideas. Backed it with honisty.

Appreciate any comments, backing or trashing of my childrens' book. [Jerry - paperbat]

You have inter-woven some neat SiFi ideas and theories into a enjoyable story. Be careful, however, that you don't complicate it too much; esp if you plan several stories - you need to leave other ''area' to explore later. But enjoyed it. Thanks.
Appreciate any thoughts / backing of my childrens book - Paperbat adventures.
[Jerry - paperbat]

Hi ILA

Great beginning - like a horrible nightmare, when you're running away, then you think you're safe, then the source of your safety turns against you... very accomplished writing. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Loved the preface and opening chapter. I would have liked to get a bit more of a feel for the world of James and Kisara before they were whisked away; couldn't quite decide how different (if at all) it was from our Earth. Maybe give a cultural reference via a media broadcast or something. Armed with a better understanding of James and Kisara I would have been better equipped to understand their reaction to being abducted and finding out Catilin was not from their reality.
Overall nice pace and good dialogue. I'm definitely hungry for more.
Thanks for letting us have a read.
Mark
(Verity)

Dear Ila
great book cover , thought so the first time around and still think its great. Your long pitch was the very thing that grabbed me and ...I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Well written, and nice charater development, and very creative

Backed

Scorselo

Full of imagination, interesting Prologue that got me interested in the first two chapters, lots of character building and it is obvious from your character building will have very different roles in the story(not carbon copies, but interesting people moving the story along). I didn't spot any errors in the prologue and stopped looking in Chapt 2 but there are a few things to look at in Chap 1.
Chapter 1
Wonder – 'wondered'
Six 'months'?
Every day spent with them begged for another – non-sensible sentence
She stood – 'stopped'?
There are a few more but I didn't want to bug you, nothing that can not be fixed with the old fine tooth comb, best wishes - Hapless

Great pitch. I enjoyed what I read so far. Excited to read more. Best of Luck
Backed!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

You have a good balance between telling the story and letting your characters tell us through talking to each other. I also liked the way you started the tale with the prologue, it really does grab the reader, and make them want to find out how it fits into the rest of the story. Backed.

For a sci-fi writer you have a much developed sense of the narrator and a cleverly turned style to your language. The opening chapter sets a scene of excitement, tension and edge of the seat reading to come.

backed.

I think this was very well done! I loved the way you describe things and i think you have hit your target well for YA. There are a few errors in grammar, one being the sentence in ch 1 starting "Look, can you for once just trust me, instead of....?" Its a question, they are asking, can you trust me even if they add the other stuff....The other thing is on the last sentence of ch 1. You need to not put a period after him and just put a comma. The But is still part of the prior sentence so you can not capitalize 'but' and continue that sentence as "That would be what I'm trying to get us away from," she hissed at him, "but that plan's not good now..." (Traditionally this would need to be combine without the 'she hissed at him' there and add that in after 'now', but it is up to you on that matter :-)
Great job!
Sofia

I love the title. There are some good concepts in the pitch. I read part of the first chapter but found the technical aspects rough.

Such an excellent start - pierced calf muscles - ouch! As others have said, its taut, straight into the action and very compelling. Watchlisting you as I'm out shortly, and will back you as soon as I can dust off a space for you on my shelf.

The names you choose are very good, too - giving us the feel, somehow, of their personalities as well, and I haven't heard 'hateling' before. Jack's comment - 'I'm trying to make you perfect; is hideous. Does he mean it? Is he twisted and taunting her? I am commenting right here at chapter one, but can't wait to find out the answers to the questions you cleverly raise.

Dear Ila Golden,

Zero Confromity is a scary one, isn't it? I'm sure young people will love all the ET sci-fi stuff. Hateling is a great name. Gotta watch those guys named Jack.

By the way, what does LOL mean?

Backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

I have shivers reading this! My kind of story - and perhaps, dare I say - most people's kind of story :)
Enchanting, engaging - intelligent and fun.

Backed with pleasure.
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

I have shivers reading this! My kind of story - and perhaps, dare I say - most people's kind of story :)
Enchanting, engaging - intelligent and fun.

Backed with pleasure.
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Ila, this is an amazing pitch, promising a great and original story. I love the title Zero Conformity, as I love science fiction novels about time and space.
Have backed it with pleasure and will return with further comments once I have read further.
Helen
The Last Dream

A deserved backing
Helen
The Last Dream

Mmmm, a fascinating science fiction type story. which was most enjoyable to read. Backed.

Zeo Conformity. Hi ILA, what a geat start to a novel. I loved your active style which drew me straight in. I could feel the tension and the conflict. I wish you every success in your writing carreeer. You have obvious talent and will do well. Keep at it! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

You've got an excellent writing style. After the excitement of the prologue chapter one disappoints (at least at the start as it feels rather mundane in contrast).
I think there's a debate about the usefulness of prologues. Yours is good, but I think it's too disjointed to go into chapter one which isn't so dramatic at all.
I read a lot of novels on Authonomy that have prologues. But not in the bookstores. I wonder if that's telling us something.
Melanie Kendry The Boy Time Forgot

Backed. Impressive first chapter so detailed and not a word wasted. I will definately be reading more. backed.

dan

I’ve enjoyed reading this work. If you’re into sci-fi fantasy then it is easy to follow. One tiny point, 65,000 is to short. Maybe padding out the first chapter which will help comments of other crits not understanding and adding to others will be good for the work anyway. Try to get to 95,000
Keith - Unit T

Hi ILA

Well, I don't usually read this kind of material but I stumbled upon this via your pitch. I like the way you write and I know that this work will run up the charts. I shall be reading more over the next few days but I want to back this now.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to take a little peek inside The Russian Hat

Sincerley

Brendan

ZERO CONFORMITY 6/8/2010

The prologue is exciting, but I was a bit lost to understand what was happening and where they were. Perhaps a bit of explanation thrown in for the reader's benefit might help.

Chapter 1 -- You mention Catiln's dark thoughts. What are they?

There seems to be a lot of narrative that tells us about the scenes, but not much action. Much of this could be eliminated and condensed without compromising the story. For example, when Catilin is waiting to meet her friends at the business park, this could be shortened to:

She waited at the edge of a new business park, still mostly vacant, pine trees lining the street in the boring uniform spacing. Not a pleasant place to meet friends, but she had insisted she wanted to explore it, in spite of their doubts. She wasn't ready to confess her real reason for avoiding the city.

Much of the dialogue seems too trivial and adds little to the story.

During the abduction, I'm confused. It reads as though Kisara and James are familiar with Catilin's situation, since there is little surprise about the fact that they are on an alien ship. I would think that would be a bit alarming, but they treat their predicament so casually. Maybe I'm a little slow, but I need some help here, to understand who these folks are and what this is all about. I've read nothing, so far, that gives me a clue as to where they're from, what their purpose is, what they are, or what the story is about. The black market is mentioned, clandestine dealings, laws, etc., but how do they all fit together?

As I read into Chapter 6, I begin to get some idea of what is going on. A heads-up at the beginning of the story would have been nice. I read sci-fi at times, and the good ones try to orient the reader at the front end so they can follow the story.

As I read farther, the story get much more interesting. I think you've done well with it and all of pieces seem credible, even to a science nerd, like me. I just wish I had been able to learn the rules at the beginning.

It will be interesting to see how this turns out. Good luck.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

ZERO CONFORMITY 6/8/2010

The prologue is exciting, but I was a bit lost to understand what was happening and where they were. Perhaps a bit of explanation thrown in for the reader's benefit might help.

Chapter 1 -- You mention Catiln's dark thoughts. What are they?

There seems to be a lot of narrative that tells us about the scenes, but not much action. Much of this could be eliminated and condensed without compromising the story. For example, when Catilin is waiting to meet her friends at the business park, this could be shortened to:

She waited at the edge of a new business park, still mostly vacant, pine trees lining the street in the boring uniform spacing. Not a pleasant place to meet friends, but she had insisted she wanted to explore it, in spite of their doubts. She wasn't ready to confess her real reason for avoiding the city.

Much of the dialogue seems too trivial and adds little to the story.

During the abduction, I'm confused. It reads as though Kisara and James are familiar with Catilin's situation, since there is little surprise about the fact that they are on an alien ship. I would think that would be a bit alarming, but they treat their predicament so casually. Maybe I'm a little slow, but I need some help here, to understand who these folks are and what this is all about. I've read nothing, so far, that gives me a clue as to where they're from, what their purpose is, what they are, or what the story is about. The black market is mentioned, clandestine dealings, laws, etc., but how do they all fit together?

As I read into Chapter 6, I begin to get some idea of what is going on. A heads-up at the beginning of the story would have been nice. I read sci-fi at times, and the good ones try to orient the reader at the front end so they can follow the story.

As I read farther, the story get much more interesting. I think you've done well with it and all of pieces seem credible, even to a science nerd, like me. I just wish I had been able to learn the rules at the beginning.

It will be interesting to see how this turns out. Good luck.

Marc - Where's The Ivy