Double Murder

This is certainly a good read, it kept my interest right through. There are plenty of well though out twists and turns, each of which is completely believable. You also draw the Colin character in a neutral way which does not confuse the reader when he turns out to be murderous.

From my own efforts, I find that it is in the middle of the work that concentration wavers and then it is a matter of making the rewrites bite. I find it helps to read the script aloud, it's amazing what jumps off the page, especially in the sections you think you've got right. Hence, in Ch23, where your last line is 'Because I don't think..' I wonder if it would be more likely that the copper would ask: 'What is your name?'

One thing: in Ch5 you seem to have got him to Scotland before he gets there, in terms of the scenery! Also the M6 goes beyond Carlisle. Perhaps swapping the two names would sort it.

Your novel deserves to go far! Good luck with it!

Tony

This very good. I just read the first few chapter and was really impressed. This story really draws you in and is very well written. I was particularly impressed by how deft the description is and how well paced it is. I’ll be sure to read more of it soon.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A promising start. A likable main character. Deft description. Good sense of place. Plenty of tension. Nice pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) A gripping opening line.
2) ' ... and it worried him' is telling. Consider showing his worries so realistically the reader will experience them along with Colin. By doing this, you'll pulled the reader deeper into the scene.
3) Consider describing Colin's physical/emotional state early in the scene. Show us his initial physical tension going into the home, then show his tension heightening as the situation deteriorates. If you do this, you'll involve the reader much more in the specifics of the scene.
4) You use 'worry' words a lot in the opening scene.
5) 'By now, Colin was getting desperate' is telling. Consider showing the onset of his desperation and then show it develop as vividly as possible. Doing this will plunge the reader much deeper into the scene.
6) 'He felt a twinge of relief ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his relief so vividly the reader will experience it along with Colin. By doing this, the reader will be more engaged in the scene.
7) 'He braced himself with the tea, settling into his easy chair,' Substitute a period for the comma after 'chair.'
8) Jackson continued. Comma after 'continued.' 'Jackson continued' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know what you think?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Thrilling murder mystery.
I read up to chapter three and I was captivated by your story so far.
It really draws the reader in.
I like that there are only a few swearwords in your sentences.
Very well written and descriptive.
GREAT job!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. This book is going on my WL so I can finish it later!

I just started reading but had to drop this comment....I love the way you starte the story giving enough background to make me like all the characters involved so far without taking away from the tension building as Colin looks for his family. The 'shocker' was really good. I also write mysteries so I really like this story. I'm going to end this now and get to the rest of the 30 chapters. Is this available on amazon Kindle?
RSB

Hi Rey,

Many thanks for backing 'Double Murder' and for your encouraging comments. In answer to your question, yes, the book is available on Kindle.

I will look at your book as soon as time permits.

Ron

I just started reading but had to drop this comment....I love the way you starte the story giving enough background to make me like all the characters involved so far without taking away from the tension building as Colin looks for his family. The 'shocker' was really good. I also write mysteries so I really like this story. I'm going to end this now and get to the rest of the 30 chapters. Is this available on amazon Kindle?
RSB

Hi, I've read the first three chapters. I found I really want to know what's going to happen, but I found the pace slowed in the third chapter. When Colin first finds his wife I felt that it was glossed over too quickly. More description of the scene and how he felt when he found her would have added depth and believability to the scene, for me. I'm not sure if it is normal in the genre, but I feel like you've introduced a lot of characters and suspects quite early on and it can be a bit much to follow all this at once. It's still a great story and I will be reading more of it. :)

You capture Colin's almost obsessive nature very well. The devoted husband, the worrywort. Given the past history I did wonder how he could imagine they had just popped out that late in the evening and as such sitting in front of the TV and simply hoping seemed odd. There are bits of description you could lose in my opinion. As an example Reg's "newly installed" or "screen digital television" and the statement that he is the first to have it. 'Watched sports programs on Reg's Plasma' would have done it for me. The other stuff is incidental unless the fact Reg is the first in the street to have one is crucial to the plot. There are other instances where I feel you could chop away detail that will add pace to this MS. It can only be done with a steely resolve but it will improve things in my opinion which is that of an unpublished writer, so treat my comments with caution. Colin finds the body all of a sudden and I thought you could have spent a little more time in the discovery and the horror of it. The police don't pull their punches either. I had a laugh when the detective said he didn't mean to imply what he was obviously implying.
You err on the side of formal and fullsome explanation when writing, this may be how Colin thinks. 'The tea he was drinking combined with the coffee he'd drunk at Reg's house forced him to answer the call of nature." 'He needed a piss." Perhaps not your preferred style but it demonstrates where again things could be sped up a bit. I think everything that needs to be there is present from a plot perspective but it may need a bit of thinning out. I chop as much as 30% out of my chapters after I've written them, so I share this as someone who routinely overwrites.
Kind Regards
Norton

Hi Ron,

I started reading this tonight and enjoyed it. You give us time enough to care about the main character's plight, so it's a genuine shock when we see the dead body.

Starred for now...

Hope you get to check out The Devil's Fan Club.

Mark

An intriguing mystery. Colin's nightmare is developed well by the economical writing style. The no nonsense approach helps the pace flow with barely a wasted word. Two chapters in and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

I've read the first 5 chapters and still no clue. His partner having a fling with the wife , Ok.I guess i'll have to read on. Well written and intend to come back!
Red

An interesting pitch...I wonder what else he has to worry about? Read the first chapter. Hooked. Reading on.
J.Kinkade

Unputdownable, intriguing and definitely a six starred read. A nightmare in the making, the first chapter alone builds enough tension to move the pace forward - at lightening spead! Twists and turns which you would not expect make this an intricate plot. I would highly recommend this book. Very well done! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

I like how you immediately get down to business and introduce the murder. You set the story up as a great mystery. Nice job and would recommend.

Like your brief description. Sounds like a page turner. Backed and ready to read. If time, please check me out.
Dina of 33 or Halo of Damned

very nice ..... loved reading every page ............

bobby zepeda

Everything moves along at a decent pace. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted

Double Murder was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I have read, rated, and BACKED your work. Hope you have a chance to look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks.
Sue50

Hi Ron
I have just added your Double Murder on to my Watchlist. I'm not the fastest of readers, and I have to say I find reading from a screen difficult (give me a proper book any day). Anyway I will get around to it. In the meantime I hope that you might give my offerings a glance.
Best wishes
John

Drawn in by the pitch, excellent build up in chapter 1...I didn't expect her to be in the bath...and neither did Colin!
Love a good thriller and hope this does well, on my W/L Good luck.
Babs

Well, you have captivated me. That is, I have been held captive by your book all afternoon and all night. It is now midnight and I have just finished all thirty chapters. You manage to hold the tension and switch scenes smoothly. The dialogue is absolutely real. The characters are well drawn. The only thing that's missing is a scene in which Colin finds out his son is alive, and a little more of Paul's grief for his mother and regret for his father. It would have felt a little more complete if the two had been reunited even briefly. Nevertheless, I am backing and giving six stars. Kudos.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Trer

If you have any time at all, I would appreciate your taking a look at my book, however brief, and rating it as you see fit. Thanks.

Hi Ron,

I like your set-up and style of writing. You're spinning an engaging tale and I look forward to reading the rest. I'm backing you for the next few days because I feel your writing deserves the recognition.

One side note, in the second scene in chapter one you switch POVs between Colin and Jackson - it's subtle, but off-putting. Are we still with Colin? Then we shouldn't know about Jackson's partner. If we're in Jackson's head now we can't know Colin was going to argue against going to his brother's then decides against it.

Other than those little POV shifts, you've got a great piece going here!

Cheers,

Cheryl.
Job Hunted

Like the pitch, makes the reader wonder.
Liked what I read of your story. I found it suspenseful and intriguing.
Your book should do well. It has my backing.
Just one very small comment; the word "in" is missing, second paragraph chapter one. (She must have been a hurry)
All the best.

Good pitch. Got you on my watchlist. Good luck.

To me, this book hits all the right notes for a crime novel (have only read chpt 1 though). If the rest of the book is as good as the 1st chpt this is ready for publication - my sister would read this in about three nights (she is an avid crime fiction reader). Happily backed. All the best , Ceeds 'JOE'S NAN'

I found the style very matter of fact, and just as Colin would have thought. There is good conflict, driven by the police suspecting him of the crime. Descriptions are good throughout, although strangely no description of Dorothy. Was she dressed?

This book is easy to read and I'm sure it will do well. I'll back the book and ask that you take a look at mine.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Backed Double Murder. Good job building suspense in first chapter. When you have time we suggest proofing for spelling.
Examples:
1. socialise- should be spelled- socialize
2. teetotal should be spelled- teetotalers

Good luck.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Hi Ron, nice idea. I enjoy thrillers, and they tend to dominate my 'real' book shelves! I liked the pitch, which drew me in, and the story starts well. I would have liked a little more reaction to finding the body in the bath. Imagine that! I'm not sure how I would react but, as writers, that is what we have to do. But I enjoyed this, and will continue to read it with pleasure. I've backed it, and only ask that you take a little look at my effort 'The Sandman Cometh'. Cheers.
Glenn.

Doubl Murder sounds interesting. Added it to our watchlist.
CC Brown
Dark Side

I have read the first few chaps and enjoyed them. I was surprised that it took so long for your MC to find his wife's body but you did build up the suspense by doing this. When the police were interviewing the young burglar and held him against his solicitor's wishes it might be a good idea to include the fact that they were aware that this was limited to so many hours by law, just for authenticity. Backed, Anne

Okay, just doing what a thriller’s supposed to…grab the reader and hold him.
There’s tension from the get-go. Good job.
Narration’s a blend of “show” and “tell” and the dialogue sounds real…it moves the story.
When you intro Jackson you switch the POV, it’s ok (for you’ve got different sub-chapter) but I would like to “see” the guy (specially as I know from your pitch that he’s the MC).
Starting Ch 2 with the MC is what the doctor ordered…LOL Reader need to fall for the character and you deliver. As the plot thickens, I feel drawn in. Darren’s interrogation is a little mild…Jackson need to be a little more “bad ass.” Show how he brakes Darren, don’t just tell that he was almost in tears.
The opening of Ch 3 is a little sketchy and all “tell.” Bringing in the blue van now is a little late. Police should had long talked with the neighbors and found about it.
You do a good job on details so don’t miss something important or you lose credibility with reader.
Wife’s calling me, so I must run.
If you want me to, I could get back and check some more.
Based on what I read, and your voice, I’m backing it.
Dan
PS. Could you take a look at mine?

hi ron

a good read, I especially love mysteries :)

backed with pleasure. I thank you in advance to back my book and offer a bit of support

regards
P F Farraday

Double murder
This is an intriguing, well written story, the dialogue is good too
Backed
Eveleen
- Turning a new leaf
- Like a dot on the horizon

A gripping, mysterious thriller. Fast moving. Convincing characters. Crisp dialogue. Intense narrative. Lucid storyline. An arresting read. Backed.

This is a great story.There is the build up of tension then the discovery of the body. I can't wait to read more.

Intriguing and well written opening chapters. Happy to back your book.
Best wishes,
- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Hi Ron, I really enjoyed this novel, its a real page turner. I back the book. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

You have an excellent who-done-it here. You do a good job of setting the scene in the first chapter. One hopes the son survives, but statistics are against it. In Tom Jackson you have an good detective persona.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

To Ron Parker,

Characters good, plot good and it gave me an entertaining read. I have no problems BACKING 'Doube
Murder'

Frank James (The Contractor)

well written. l like your opening lines, they show you have great skill...on my watchlist...
readSEASONS...

Ron,
Nicely paced and well written, good amount of dialogue and language flow; the only thing I would suggest is working on the pitch and description; wanted to read this because of the mystery content and I think you are making a good mark on it.

Backed with pleasure!

Rome
Beyond the Shadows
Directives for Murder

Sorry, missed the p off potenital - still the meaning is still clear, I hope.

The story has good otenital but I found one or two nit-picks. For example, In the first line you stae that there is no sign of his wife and child, then, three paragraphs on he is still on his way home - or that's how it seems to read to me - I could be wrong, I often am! Also, the line, "Is Dorothy and Paul there with you?", might be read better as, "Are Dorothy and Paul there? There are a few similar things that could be tightened up with a good edit. That said, I really like the storyline and believe it has great potential. Good luck with it, and your other works. I intend to take a look at them when, or rather if, I get the time.

Need a better hook for the short pitch, but once they start reading they, like me won't be disapointed. Best of luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

First off, congratulations on completing this. The style certainly fits in well with the present genre trends, and thankfully isn't too dark or off-beat (unlike, say Alex Creed's Suffer The Children.) There are several areas where a revision would help tighten up the flow, but it's nothing a good sub-editor couldn't tweak (especially when shaping it with a little house style.) Have you thought about submitting it to Creme de la Crime? Their upper limit is 80,000 so a small dusting down would bring this into their word count with very little effort.

Backed and read with pleasure

Tis is a solid story well written and crafted. C W

Hi Ron
Fast flowing and action packed. This is a real winner. Detective stories have to be unique nowadays to stand out and this does. You start off by immediately raising the suspense levels and keeping the pace up all the way through. Backed happily.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Ron, I started to read just the first chapter but I got hooked and here I am at the last chapter. Paul is a brave little boy, This book deserves to be on the top of the HC's list. I like it! I would buy it ! I BACKED the book. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

I find this extremely well written and it is modern in its insight into the characters. This should do well and ought to attract an agent.
I noted one problem involving the change of POV.
In your text, the POV changes from that of Colin to that of Inspector Jackson in the middle of the paragraph starting 'One of them introduced himself'. That is not a clean handover. The preceding paragraph (ending 'other officers did so'), should be followed by a double line space or triple asterisks (as you use later for time shifts). and the opening sentence should be clearly in Jackson's voice; e.g., 'Inspector Jackson introduced himself and told Colin he would be taking charge of the case.' After that your text continues correctly in the POV of Jackson.
Apart from that nitpick, it's a tale I would want to read in its entirety.

Commented and backed!

I would welcome any comments or nitpicks on my piece, if you have the time. Naturally I would also appreciate a backing, but I'm twisting no arms for either.

Alan Donaghue – Action!

This is a good start to what promises to be a good whodunnit.

I do feel that there could be a bit more emotion in his finding of his wife's body.

Backed.

Cheers
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)