DEUS EX KARMA

I just re-read the first three chapters and was enthralled once again in this world and intriguing characters! I very rarely have the interest to re-read any work of fiction, so when I say that, trust that it means something! And, I could not stop reading and glad that I didn't. For in Chapter 4, I was introduced to Rao! I have fallen in love with him and this culture already. I'm ready to go on an adventure, to battle, to love, to know...where is everyone headed in this world? I care about the characters, and their outcomes. Your writing is evocative and flowing. I'm no critic, nor a writer, but I am an avid reader and I know what pulls me in and what takes me on a journey. Deus Ex Karma, thus far, is an adventure I can't wait to continue on...and I can't wait for Danato to appear again either! I totally back this, Moses. Write on...you have a beautiful, profound and poetic voice that moves.

With fantasy we are asking the reader to suspend belief for a few hundred pages. It's quite a feat,and not one undertaken lightly if you are to pull it off and make your fantasy world believable. With Deus Ex Karma you have succeeded beautifully. The writing is alomost lyrical at times and the dialogue just sufficiently off from normal to make us feel we are somewhere else in the universe. This is a great read and I wish you well. I'm backing this.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horror/Thriller

You show great imagination in this world, and the pantheon of gods, which you have created. Your characters come across as very real, each one individual. Lucia is particularly believable and is someone we can relate to. The dreams she has are chilling, gripping, frightening. The dream about the child Gian is very moving, as Lucia realises that in dreaming about his death, she has seen something that will actually happen. You write well, using a style which is appropriate to the period and setting of your imaginary world, more formal than would be usual. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I'm a big lover of Ancient Greece, and for that reason alone I found myself strangely attracted to this book - given the pitch, of course. Unlike many other attempts to illustrate a beautiful ancient world, you've managed to keep it aired and clean. Yet it has poetry and strong visuals, I like your tendency towards costumes and, as a costume and set designer (I'm like an HC multifunctional amongst my people), I applaud your descriptions. It has emotion, it carries that ounce of rage in its action to keep me tied to the screen until I'm finished with it and... guess what, there are only five chapters. Dammit. Anyway, this is me finding my words to comment and thank you for sharing this with the rest of us, I'm sure that Homer would be thrilled to read this. Congratulations on a very fine piece of fiction literature, it's truly beautiful. Hugs, J.

Just finished reading the first four chapters and I'm hooked! I'm a fantasy fan and this is by far the best novel I've read. It's very different from anything I have ever read before!!!!

I like the idea of spiritual warriors where spirituality is accepted as part of life. Loved the build-up in the first three chapters and the character outline. Lucia's troubled mind, Caio's tranquility and Vieri's conflicted mind come across very strongly. I was hooked right from the first chapter and very hungry by the time i got to the end of chapter three. Chapter four is a sudden twist in the tale. It's very different from the first three chapters and gives us insight into a very different opponent, culture and structure. Fascinating!

With fantasy, I tend to keep more of an open mind than normal as the parameters are completely different and you have to go wherever the author takes you. I was delighted to flow right along with the structure of this novel.

This is an amazing story line and I recommend putting this on your bookshelf. I would love to see this published so we can all read the full story! I hope that happens very soon!

kiran

Very good human drama on an epic scale,

The Black God's War is a work of extraordinary imagination. It has an enthralling plot and lush descriptions.

Dear Moses, I'm not a huge fan of fantasy novels, but I found your pitch and in particular your style of writing quite innovative. There is an elegance to your pros which make the flow of reading easy and smooth, and the story is also quite unique.
I'm backing this because it deserves it and so much more.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Hi Moses,

I saw your comment on Evergreen and noticed your book was a homage to Homer. I read the beginning of your story and though I don't appreciate the subject matter I do like your writing. I've written a story that is a homage to John Milton's Paradise lost. I thought you might give it a glance. Good luck with your writing.

Rand

Hi Moses,

I saw your comment on Evergreen and noticed your book was a homage to Homer. I read the beginning of your story and though I don't appreciate the subject matter I do like your writing. I've written a story that is a homage to John Milton's Paradise lost. I thought you might give it a glance. Good luck with your writing.

Rand

Imaginative and well written. One of the worthy fantasies on this site. Backing.
Lara
Good For Him

Hi Moses,
I know you only want constructive reviews but you haven't made it easy. Damn you and your fine writing :)
It's rare a story slows my reading down to a level where I need to take everything in, and yours did this. I loved the way the sister was cast aside from her father in that one jarring moment. I was surprised that she wasn't more upset that her father didn't 'truly' love her. I also would have preferred a little more foreshadowing of the reason why we need this Haissem, it is touched upon lightly. And the other tiny thing and this is purely down to taste, the sweet face of the mum, felt like it was the narrator's opinion and not a description. Ignore as you wish. Thanks for an entertaining read.

My only negative comment is that I had trouble in keeping up with all of the diverse characters you introduce within the first two chapters. Other than that your use of short paragrapgs keeps the pace flowing nicely and your character development of Lucia and Caio is excellent. Your use of imagery is well done and your descriptive writing style makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans:
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Fantasy often leaves me cold as much of it is written with 'flowery' descriptions and even poetic verse! This isn't any of those, it's fanciful but done with preciseness and honesty. The characters and scenes are easily visualised by the clarity of telling. Nice work, much potential.

Loved it and I wish you the best of luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

I just read the first four chapters. Congratulations, this is good! I remember the small excerpt you had showed me months ago, and this is far better. Keep working on it, you're on the right path to an epic story.

And expect me to come and read the rest. :)

Moses, I've read what you have here. An impressive start. I like the way you presented the "higher powers" on the two sides of the conflict differently. Not just following different gods of the same pantheon, but fundamentally different understandings of the how the world works. And, as you say, with sympathetic viewpoints on both sides. I would like very much to see how you follow through with this. Thanks for this taste of things to come. Jim

Hello, I read the first 4 chapters of your book and really enjoyed it. I can see some things that could be tweaked, but I think your story is well planned. What resources do you have locally? Are you part of a writers' group or anything like this?

Ellen

With words you have painted a picture and easily transported your reader to the world you have created - well done. Your use of imagery and foreshadowing is superb and I especially like your use of short paragraphs. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Wow! This is amazing writing and has the potential to be the next big hollywood script! Brilliantly written compulsive and original!

Wow! This is amazing writing and has the potential to be the next big hollywood script! Brilliantly written compulsive and original!

This is without doubt one of the most shatteringly original pieces on Authonomy. What the hell is a 'cramos rob'? Seriously, this is an unquestionably brilliant and unique piece of fantasy writing - the likes of which I have never read before. Backed for its storytellying genius, its uniqueness and its sheer flair.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Excellent opening chapter which entices me to continue. Descriptive and imagiative. Great style - backed with pleasure
andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

Dear Moses, I love science fiction fantasy - anything can happen - & does. :) Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Dear Author,

These are some excerpts that I like …

“ His cramos rob was so dirty. It must have been grabbed by nearly everyone who approach him…”
“..hawklike eyes set in gentle face”.. ......
“ Ciao kissed Ilario fingers on his left hand”.
“Maybe afterward I’ll have time to heal the world”
“You traumatise an innocent girl, and want acceptance. Perhaps it’s forgiveness you are after”

***********
The content of this book is wholesome, and beautiful. A classical writing style, sprinkled with the fragrance of monasteristic flavour permeating all the story.

Meek, Gentle, Placid, Devine, Subtle, Crystal-twinkling… A graceful soul that is unaffected by the coarse of modern life-style. Thank you for being you.

Greenfallenleaf from France

Hi Moses,

This isn't the kind of story I would normally read, but I did find this interesting and well written.

One thing I would suggest. There is obviously a long time gap between chapters one and two, but this isn't made clear at the begining of chapter 2. You can overcome this either by using dates as sub headings of the chapters or, better if possible, add a paragraph at the begining of chapter 2 explaining the transition.

Ron

Excellent job setting up this world and everyone´s roles in chapter one. And keeping the action moving. A compelling and readable book. I would drop the last sentence in the first chapter if I were writing this. But I´m not!
Best to you, Susan

Well written first chapter. What ever you changed seems to have worked. I like the action part a little better than the first sentence about the chamber. I would have swapped para 2 with 1. But that's just an opinion. Well done.

backed

Hi Moses,

Sorry for the delay...I've been on and off for a while but here I finally am.

I read your first three chapters a while ago and backed your book but didn't have time to comment. In the mean time I see that you've made some chapter updates. I really like the revisions and there's nothing that I can fault you on. I like your voice, your use of language and the epic "feel" to the setting of the story. I remember before, your opening chapter was very descriptive with little dialogue but I'm very pleased to see the positive touch ups that you've made to an already fascinating and very well written piece of work. You have a larger than life character in Caio and where other authors would tend to over-embellish on such a character's divine and powerful nature, you still manage to make him humble and accessible to us and we can relate to him - a balancing act nicely done. I like the brief insight you give us into Caio and Ilario's friendship in the second chapter. Lucia is my favourite and I connected with her right from the start. I can't wait to see how things work out for Caio, but especially for her.
One minor nitpick relates to Jurg in the bit where "he knocked a praying soldier to the ground and ran past him." Seeing as he is partially lame, perhaps it would be more natural if he hobbled by apace or similiar? Just a thought.

All in all a very good piece of work and with the final edit, I have no doubt that it will be worthy of a salute from Homer.

All the best,
Brenda

This story is an ambitious undertaking: to create interesting characters from an alternative world as well as include a sprinkling of ancient Greek mythology (and like it or not, war for questionable motives makes this a very modern world as well). Your writing style is good for this type of story; you're able to describe what is happening in enough words that a reader recognizes what this world is like, yet not so many, the pace slows down. Makes this a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Moses! I have just read the first two chapters of your book and I will be backing it when I finish my comments. You are a talented writer, for sure. Your story idea is compelling. The development of your characters, in these two chapters, is right on the money. I think I would encourage you to include a bit more description of locales and characters, and try to remember to show, rather than tell. Add emotion at every turn, too, as it will be the emotions that glue your reader to your characters and have them rooting for or hating each one. I have made a few comments, per chapter, but note that I’m no expert. However, many authors have told me I’m pretty good at this. Let’s see what you think…..
CHAPTER ONE: I would find another word for ‘tatooed’, as it sounds so harsh. Shouldn’t the word ‘the’ be inserted before ‘temples of the ten gods…’? I think I would delete the words ‘still’ and ‘especially’, leaving the reference at ‘The cloth was sacred on this holiest of days.’ which I think carries more story tension. I would delete ‘more nightly’ from ‘many more nightly visits’, again, for tension.
CHAPTER TWO: I would delete ‘dissolving’ from ‘dissolving sun’. Or replace with ‘fading’ or ‘burning’ or ‘unforgiving’. ‘but only if enough sands were left in the heaven’s hourglass’. Very nice line. Except I would delete ‘but only’. I would change ‘thick forearms’ to ‘strong forearms’ which just sounds more natural. Perhaps change ‘captivatingly bright’ to ‘captivating and bright’ to eliminate the pesky adverb. Also, tell your readers what it was about Caio’s face that made him seem so beautiful. His piercing eyes, his full red lips, his straight nose? Show us what made him seem so charming, rather than just telling us he was. I’m not sure why you use ‘this Caio’ sometimes, rather than simply ‘Caio’. ‘between him and the thousands’ I would change ‘him’ to ‘Caio’ since you start the sentence with ‘Ilario’, thus eliminating confusion as to who the ‘him’ refers to. Is Caio kissing the fingers of his own hands or of Ilario’s? Whose hands are being raised into the air? I assume it is Caio’s hands that are raised but consider re-writing this scene for clarity? The same thing applies to the paragraph that begins ‘During the moment of silence…’ where there are too many ‘he’s and ‘him’s to be sure who is doing what. When the man rushes forward in his attack on Caio, there is no mention of his lame leg which is mentioned early on. Perhaps say that his lameness seemed to have disappeared or in some other way acknowledge the injury. ‘stood just one level below Ilario and himself’… this reference doesn’t make sense to me. Re-visit it and possible re-write, again, for clarity.
Well, that’s all I have time for now. I’m thinking that this chapter is a bit long. Perhaps end it when the confrontation and blessing is done, moving the next bit to a new chapter. I also feel I need to caution you as to your many uses of ‘-ly’ words such as ‘blissfully’, ‘especially’, ‘perfectly’, ‘positively’ and lots and lots more. In almost every case (an exception is dialogue), a sentence becomes stronger and carries more story tension when these pesky adverbs are deleted. Try it and I think you will see what I mean. All in all, your story, thus far, is very good. With just a bit of honest editing, this compelling tale will be just the type of story many publishers would love to snap up! Good Luck and I’m backing this right now….

This isn't the kind of story I would normally pick up, but it is captivating. My only suggestion would be to pick up the pace a little. Other than that, I think you have a good story here. I am happy to back it, and wish you the best.
Judy Adams
The Existence Game

The richness of your language is the first thing that hits me as a reader. You use a stunning vocabulary with great skill to paint the picture and set the scene. That is underpinned by a brilliant premise and a truly interested story.

Backed with pleasure,
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules were made to be broken." - Relic

Hi Moses, This is a good rad and moves along at a quick pace. Your characters are believable and the dialogue convincing.

A great homage to epic poetry. Keep it up.

Damien.

This is so far off my usual reading radar but I have to admit you had me. There is something special about your prose compared to other efforts in this sort of genre. I can't put my finger on it but it's like you didn't strong-arm me into believing in your fantasy - you just told me about it and left me to believe all by myself. yes, it's the subtlety of your telling that's different. Now that's clever!! So very well done and backed with pleasure. Gabe.

Moses, this is really good. It's the sort of book I enjoy. Character driven but with more than a hint of mysticism.
Anyway, you certainly know how to grab attention with your opening. The atmosphere you create is powerful and charged.
Just one dialogue tag jarred,
"Danato killed her!" she yelled. I think this would read better if you changed it to 'the girl yelled." And also why is the girl shouting this when the mother isn't dead yet?
Otherwise great job. I will return to read more when I get time. Best wishes, Karen. (backed)
"

Interesting! I felt compelled to read much more than I intended to; I like this book quite a bit. I don't have any real suggestions, but thought I'd leave word so you'd know how great the book is! Good job and good luck!

Hi Moses,

I've read the first three chapters and I really like what I've read thusfar. I will go back and read the remaining three chapters after commenting. This is a good story and I have faith that it will do well on the ED once it gets there, that I'm sure is only a matter of time my friend. Your characters are vivid and full of vibrance, and I'm happy to have backed this work. Good Luck.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Couple of petty things first:
"She would never feel so loved by her father again"
this reads like the opposite of what you mean. It sounds like you're saying she felt very loved and wouldn't feels so loved again, but i think you mean she knew her Father's love would go elsewhere from now on. Sorry if that's as clear as mud.

Also having over hundred soldiers form circle is a very, very big circle. Feels like too large a number, although maybe I'm seeing it wrong in how they're positioned. And you start by saying they're all vigilant and hawk-eyed, then suddenly they've got their eyes close and looking the wrong way which felt a bit convenient.

That said the first chapter was solid. You start with an emotional conflict with the girl facing the loss of her father's love. Resonmated well, and is true of siblings even when the son isn't the messiah. The God turning up also good stuff.

The second chapter had a lot of people thinking through their world-view and I think most of it was unnecessary. i'd rather be told what they are doing and saying and work out the rest for myself. Every time you go into a character's head to go over their reasons and opinions it feels like info being provided by the writer for the reader. Exposition, while necessary, is clunky when delivered like that. And it's also not so great with the 'Remember when we were kids...' approach.

Having the sick guy approach wasa good way to introduce Caio and hi sabilities, but all that build up for such a simple resolution was a bit unsatisfying. I would hope the disease he had plays a part later in the story, that would make sense. Once they got inside and started reminiscing and filling each other in on what they already knew, the pace really fell off and the exposition got clunky again. It's well written and relevant to their situation, but it would work better, imo, if they weren't sitting around. If Caio has a tendency to hesitate before the killer blow have a scene that demonstrates it. The guy breaking through the ranks would seem an ideal opportunity. For example, if the sick guy came up and asked for help and the goddess said no (for whatever reason) and the guy got angry and atttacked caio with a sword, and Caio defended himself, disarmed the guy, but didn't kill him but the guy had a dagger and went for the kill and blondie had to step in (this is off the top of my head so a little shit) then blondie has the opportunity to warn Caio he can't afford to hesitate on the battlefield.

What I'm saying is that it should be a little less matey, a little less smooth sailing, imo. Just because they're friends doesn't mean they can't have conflict between them.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Hope something said was of use to you.

regards
mood

This sounds complicated and right up my alley. I really enjoy your writing style and the theme you're working with. I'll keep this on my list for books to read. :D Backed with pleasure.

Dear Moses,
This is an example of science fiction written with literary flair. Although I'd read the first chapter previously, and enjoyed it, the latter version hooked me and as I got deeper into the story, I found it easy and enjoyable to read your entire upload. I do hope you add more. Your minimal style with short, crisp paragraphs and dialogue is ideal for today's reader. But the theme of the book is what captured me the most - the offspring suffering for the parent and seeking not only resolution, but a form of atonement. Chapter 1 broke my heart and I was immediately vested in Lucia and this attachment made reading imperative. You capitalize on the mysterious here, and the reader experiences it from the character's viewpoint - this is excellent. The introduction of Rao made this story even more irresistible. I truly believe this book will be published. You're a talented writer, but more importantly, your work is mystical and probing - far above most Sci Fi I have read.
Backed,
Lizzi
(Central Park Sentinel)

I thought this new Ch 1 was a major improvement. I have to use my memory to compare it to the previous version but I think the major improvements are that you have introduced action and dialogue rather than description and explanation. Much more powerful and much more interesting. I didn't back this before but am happy to do so now. Paddy

Hello Moses, Have read the first three chapters and would have liked to have read more. This is a truly lovely story, beautifully written and described. Have no hesitation in backing this. SHELVED with pleasure.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm

Loved the allusions to Greek myth - eternal archetypal themes! Jane Bain ('Life Script')

Hello Moses, what a remarkable story. I used to love the stories of Greek mythology and this has taken me back to those kind of tales. I felt so sorry for Lucia on the birth of her brother on the opening page. The new baby raised above her father's head for all to behold while she was pushed away knowing that she would never again be first in her father's eyes. What a bastard! But she appears to have a mystical gift of seeing Danata and seeing do his wicked things so if I were her dad, I'd pay her a bit more attention because she probably comes in handy later in the story.
I also enjoyed the second chapter where Jurg is making his way to the end of his pilgrimage - I thought it was going to be an assassination attempt but no. So you really built the tension well there and introduced a good intriguing character in Caio.
I'm afraid that's all I read but on that basis alone, I'm sticking you on my shelf. Chris1

Hi,

Well written and a great story. This is backed with pleasure.

JED
Green Olives

I like that it starts off with a bit of mystery. Why was the mother murdered? Needs further editing though. Keep it up.

Moses has carried off this very difficult (in my mind) genre. Now, I've always loved these great sweeping mythological tales and loved all the old Greek and ROman movies such as Jason and the Golden Fleece etc. Then along came the modern versions, Troy, 300 etc... which for one reason left me really cold. The reason being that in spite of cool effects and settings, the dialogue was clunky. Not so in this. You carry it off my man, and you make it believable. Your characters aren't orating they are speaking. Good on ya.

I started reading this on my morning commute and had to keep reading during my lunch break. I'd started it before and hadn't gotten very far. I think your new first chapter works much better as an introduction to the world. It's immediately easy to sympathize with Lucia. In fact, all the people you introduce (except maybe the king) are very appealing, including those on the other side of the war. I'm very curious to see how it all plays out.

The only thing that bothered me: is Lucia's hair actually vermilion? It could be, of course, but it's a pretty specific color and not one that hair usually is. It bothers me when red hair gets described that way because it's not. But I'm not sure whether it bothers other people or whether that's just me.

This is an excellent opening scene. It achieved what an opening is suppose to do, made me want to read on! Your writing is flawless as far as I can see, but I must admit that I stopped looking for flaws and just enjoyed the unfolding story. This is very high quality fantasy that is a pleasure to back.

Great writing Moses! I loved the Iliad, and love this homage to Homer. Backed!

Adventure, history, mythology--I love it! Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

I am enthralled by the magic of the premise. I know that you want a critique to make your book better, but alas, I am unworthy to do so. I love the way that you have made each character spring to life and your description of the environments brought me on a mental journey...as if was being transported through time and space to an ancient mid east culture. That is powerful writing. One question though...in chap 1 you mentioned that the balcony was several hundred feet above the worshipers...where was the balcony? on a high hill or was it that the worshipers were in a very low valley? I am trying to mentally picture that scene. This is good stuff though.

The story you have created is both magical and impressive. Your writing does every line justice and it flows beautifully. This is a complex work written with great clarity and with well defined characters that you vivdly bring to life.
The chapters you have posted wet the appetite for an inspirational tale yet to come. A classic story well delivered. It has been a pleasure to read this. Backed. Margaret.