Behind Closed Eyes

The new dress that Carles presents to Cass is described as "exquisite", and this is how I would describe your writing. I actually really dislike this genre (not sure why), but here I have to make a huge exception. The dialogue is flawless to me, and puts me right there in the early 20th century. Backed with pleasure - good luck. Colin

What an intriguing beginning, worthy of the great Jane Austen herself. It's not often one comes across such tight writing to introduce a story. The character of Cass, her situation and her future struggles..presumably the theme of the story...are all laid out in great style. Backed.

Hi Emma, A swirling story that is like a non-romance at the outset and then Cass’relationship with her brother concludes with romance about childhood. That was interesting and especially since her brother’s trying to marry her off has evinced emotions that are well-depicted. The ball and setting feel vivid and the emotions are poignant if not expressed. A good start and a different frame-of-mind for this heroine. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Nineteen???! Wha....? This is STUNNING. I'm breathless. This is so like what I try to do, but Regency rather than Victorian. You are addressing some dark issues, and through such, you make this book relevant. You show how human nature doesn't change all that much, however we may change our fashions and outward manners of behaviour. I want to read more of this. It's going on my shelf and it's going to stay there for a while.

A well thought out Regency Romance. Empathetic, well drawn characters. Vivid period settings. Authentic dialogue that evokes the era. Tense, tight narrative. Remarkable writing. An absorbing read. Backed.

Goodness, Emma, what a whirlwind of a story. I really admire your perseverance and skill in writing an entire novel at the age of 19, and my comments are made only to help you turn this from a breathless, rather purple, teenage romance into something more polished and mature.
My main point is that no writer, whether young or old, should use any word without a full understanding of its meaning. I'm absolutely baffled by your use of "glutinous" in so many different, but all bizarre, contexts. Other people have commented on Cass's glutinous curls: you use it again with "each second becoming a glutinous drop" and "Oliver (lifted) his son from his glutinous prison." At least the word conveys some meaning in the second and third examples, though other words would startle your readers less; but for the hair, I can't imagine at all what word you really had in mind.
You also use the word "viscous" in odd ways, although I can't say they're 100% wrong; they certainly made me pause and think, "What can she really mean?"
A few other random examples of wrongly used words:
Loose is NOT the same as lose. "Her body brindled" - I'm sure you mean "bridled", showing she's taken offence; brindled means marked with coloured patches, like dogs or horses. "Adorning" a gown: no, you put a gown on, or don a gown, while the gown itself may or may not be adorned with lace or frills. "She hushed and cooed as she smothered his hair" - I hope you mean "smoothed". "He reared his horse" - no, he made his horse rear. "... slithers and shards of cornflower blue" - you mean slivers; slither is a verb meaning to move like a snake. "... unable to stop grinning as she tried to pierce her lips" - "purse", I expect.
Two particular sentences leaped out at me as being desperately over-written and therefore comical rather than impressive: "A slight flicker twinged his nostril as he exuded his presence." WHAT? And the other: "She knelt down, running her finger through the water, drawing wild circles into the sanitary blank." WHAT?
Finally, maybe you could find an alternative expression to "spread eagled" - I only read 5 random chapters, but it appeared half a dozen times. And the normal spelling of the story-telling princess is "Sheherezade" or "Sheherazade".
As I say, I don't mean to dismiss your work; I just want you (and not only you, I should stress) to think carefully about the words they use.They are your raw material, and you mustn't abuse them. Several people have told you this is a polished and elegant piece of work. It certainly has that potential; but it needs a lot of work first. I'm BACKING you anyway on the strength of the energy, passion and imagination you've shown.



.

Hi Emma

A few small things:

Useful tip that I got from a professional reader: avoid adverbs - agents look on them as "telling, not showing"
"found herself at one of these times" - I don't think you can find yourself "at a time". Perhaps it might be better to say "found that this was one of those times"
"hair should seek" - I don't think you can say that hair seeks anything - since it is inanimate, it cannot do anything expressing volition. Perhaps "hair should display"?
Etiquette or fashion - I do not think "superior" is the right word as it has a suggestion of morality. Perhaps something like "could not decide which took precedence"?
"glutinous dark brown hair" - I don't think glutinous is the right word here, as it means "like glue in texture; sticky" - which I hope her hair is not!
"beheld a slight curl" - I don't think you can see that her hair beheld anything - hair cannot behold or see anything. Perhaps "showed a slight curl"?
"just below where the jaw met the spine" - I don't think the jaw actually does meet the spine. The jaw is attached to the skull. It is the skull that is attached to the spine.
spelling: "fashion was to loose" should be "lose", not "loose"

That's only a few lines, but I guess in summary, I feel you need to go through your work much more carefully, examining each word and seeing if it really is the right word for what you mean.

I do like the world you have conjured up and the relationships between the characters is well drawn. I am interested in Cassandra, her views and her dilemmas. I would recommend that you work on your prose to ensure that the other strengths of your writing come through more clearly. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

On my WL waiting for a proper look, but glancing through I noticed a couple of things:

"II thought we were just looking; trying before we brought..." should be "..we bought...", and I would suggest that in the lines that follow, it would flow better if "however" was the start of a new short sentence.

Will try to look in ore detail soon. What little I have looked at I liked. Regards, Nathan

Your characters are full of life, vibrant, alive and mostly interesting, this is literary fiction at its best. So happy to back this.
Now a humbled writer
Best of luck
Helen
The Last Dream

Virtually flawless! Loved it. Just needs slicing into more manageable chapters. Backed by Brammers, The Kingdom Within.

A courtly view, social commentary ala Jane Austen or Edith Wharton. Nice writing, some editing down will help the flow a bit. Quite good! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

this is really enjoyable, well written and holds the readers interest, well done, backed

alison

This book should not be moving backwards. It seems to be suffering from only one unfortunate flaw: It contains no vampires nor wizards nor aliens nor shape-shifting beings of any kind. Evidently, such characters are needed to continue the rapid climb up the Authonomy ladder.

No matter. I've backed you. I'm here to fight for literary fiction!

Best of luck,

Greg
Notes on an Orange Burial (a tragicomedy)

You write with a depth of emotion, and I found your characters empathetic. Nicely done; happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

You have created a wonderful character in Cass. Your use of imagery is excellent, the dialogue is crisp and realistic and with your highly descriptive writing style all makes your finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Excellent period voice, shelved with enthusiasm, will read more.

I read the whole book. I enjoyed it very much. You have a wonderful story with compelling characters. The only parts that did not ring true for me was the complete reversal of attitude in the two main antagonists, James and Charles.
James comes across as hard, flinty, calculating and domineering. He rapes the woman he is intending to marry (doesn't make sense, why not just push the wedding date forward or find a doxy for a night) and then when he loses her respect he tries to improve his dancing skills to impress her?? He taunts Cass constantly yet by the end of the book we are to believe he loves her and will jump in the lake rather than stand by and watch Cass love another. She convinces James rather quickly and easily that he will find someone else and so he gives up his suicidal thoughts.
She fancies his brother who is his double in looks but not in character. Thomas seems to give her a warning on her birthday which fizzles away and comes to nothing. What was that all about? Did he know James would assault her. The sister of James (Louise) hisses dire warnings near the end of the book that fizzle to nothing once again. Cass is raped in September, slammed into a tree and miscarries a child (Christmas), loses her best (male) friend (buried on Dec 4), yet by New Year's she is mooning over Thomas, all the while entertaining James,et al over the holidays as though nothing is wrong.
Then we have Charles who physically abuses her for months, perhaps years. He is also domineering and chauvanistic. Yet he has a complete change too, professing that he missed their departed mother and was angry because Cass was leaving to be married soon. But he is the one forcing her to marry James. Cass hides the abuse suffered at the hand of Charles. They ride out together and she senses he has something to say but are interrupted by Daniel's demise. Then unexpectedly Charles is now loving and caring (for a brief moment I wondered if he engineered Daniel's death), and Cass is happy that her best friend Aria is falling for Charles. Really?? Another quick turnaround of character. By the end of the book they are one big happy family. Too neat and tidy! She is seventeen and has been a victim of physical and mental abuse, raped, miscarried and lost a good friend all in three months... The ending is a little too convenient and leaves the reader wondering why the story did not quite ring true. All in all with a few changes it makes for a fascinating look into the lives of people in a bygone era. I believe you could easily have this published which is why I spent so much time reading and recommending the changes.
Best wishes, Christine Elaine Black - MAXIMUS

For one so young, you write with a passion of someone much more experienced in life, perhaps a past life influences you! Well done, you have a lifetime of writing ahead, I hope you continue to enjoy it so that we can as well. Good luck. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Emma, I think this is beautiful descripitve writing, not only because of the way you describe things visually but emotionally as well. We feel Cass's trapped emotion, her suffocation as it were. Having no one to rescue her from her brothers plans for her. There is an immediate connection to them both, which draws us into this journey straight on.

At times we can feel the bond between them, and then this dark side of her brother that you have cleverly weaved in gives this story intrigue as well. It is clear you have done alot of research and it has paid off. I think you have the makings of a very special piece. Backed with pleasure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

A nice quandary at the start. Ominous that she had such wounds. You set the scene well for the imperious males of doubtful worth and the romantic leanings of the party. I'm not sure she would 'suddenly realise' that she hadn't danced with Peter when he was the one she was attracted to! i would expect that this would have been her uppermost thought. Backed and enjoyed.

Rosalind
Good for Him.

ah i love reading this, i shall back you and also read again very soon.

Green H * through green's eyes

There is a lovely eloquent rhythm and easy to follow flow to your writing. I too can’t believe you’re only nineteen.

There is a typo when Cass leaves her room for the ball ‘laughter.’

I can see that you have taken care to consider the thoughts and feelings of the other characters and that helps the story evolve naturally. And of course it helps us (the readers) to get to know the personality of all the main characters.

However with this genre I have had it pointed out to me many times just how easy it is to jolt the reader and in doing so lose them. Therefore, for the sake of smoothness and continuity it’s probably best to stick with one POV. So whenever Cass is in the scene you should not be telling us what Charles or anyone else is thinking; only as they appear to Cass.

Rather than writing ‘Charles was bored/angry/tired’ you could try ‘it looked to Cass as if Charles was…’ or synonyms ‘Charles was apparently’ ‘he seemed like’ etc.

But even at this young age you are already a very accomplished writer and I’m sure you will be published and then go on to great things. BACKED.

Abigail Parish. Out In The Open.

This was amazing! the elegant and beautiful details, historical details woven through out, amazing three-dimensional characters, and a lot of emotion. The relationship between Cass and Charles kept me glued to the page, always wanting to learn and understand more. You have a powerful story on your hands. A pleasure to back.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

This is clearly brilliant. It's obvious that you've done a great deal of research and you've brought the era to life to perfection. You use dialogue very skillfully to bring the characters to life. I can't believe you're only nineteen. Shelved.

Carol

Seemingly the work of a very experienced writer. There can be no boundaries for a talent like this. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

I enjoyed reading the occasional regency romance. What Jane Austen fan doesn't. There is a lot to skip over. Yours is not one of those stories. It pulled me in right from the start. It has a sense of integrity and realism. Instead of feeling quaint, your pitch and your opening chapter give promise of complex characters dealing with layers of conflict. I look forward to reading more.

Backed with pleasure,

Athena

The Raven and the Wolf

Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books. Your work reminded much of that wonderful tale. I was only able to read the first chapter but what I read was excellently laid out and worthy of backing.
Jenny

Cassandra Dingham, what a great name for a character. Your use of dialogue is captivating and brings the characters to life. Are you truly so young? How i envy you. You have talent and have the bonus of years ahead in which to hone your skills (although they are already formidable). backed with great pleasure. I will read the whole novel over the next few weeks and it will be a pleasure to finish it. (If you know what i mean!)
Raven Scott (Love is a colour too).

This is an interesting piece of work, and a compelling premise. I think it will do well. I have not read enough to comment on plot structure, but based on the pitch and the first chapter I will back you. Please read some of my book, The Age of Rhinestone, when you have time and let me know what you think. Feedback is always appreciated. Take care and goodluck with your manuscript.

blueboy

This is a lovely story. You seem to have a direct line to the early nineteenth century with your knowledge of customs, mannerisms and dialogue. Your characters are fully rounded and your prose is impeccable. I found nothing to nitpick. Lovely stuff
Carl
The Time Hunters

This promises much. You have captured the Regency era, and that's not easy to do. You've got a good style and you make a good story. I couldn't find a single quibble in the selection I read (1 & 8). Keep going we need another Jane Austen.

You must have done so much reaearch and worked very hard to get your writing style just right. It is difficult to pull it off, but somehow this really does feel like Georgian/Victorian times and you capture it exactly.
Your MC is lively but weighed down by what is expected, like almost every other young woman in the era, and her brother's relationship with her adds to the problem.
THe preparation for the ball and then the ball itself is well done and your use of religion and musical entertainments feel so appropriate for the age,
You've created something special here and I'm sure there's a big market out there for this sort of novel, especially when it's been so well researched.
Will BACK tomorrow.
Cherry G. Sister: One Woman's Journey through the Trojan War"

This is a story that takes a reader to a different time and place - and does it well. The amount of time you must have spent researching this time period shines through. Makes everything seem authentic. Liked this a lot. I'm adding it to my book shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

For one so young, you write really well Emma. You depict the era vividly. Well done! Mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Behind Closed Eyes

Your style of writing for this type of novel is perfect, it’s immense.
The storyline is captivating and fluent and move the characters perfectly. For me it would be enhanced slightly by a little more descriptive sound in the narrative, however this is very, very well written. – Good luck

This is beautifully written. You have reserched the period well and dont let the sense of time and place slip for a moment. I love anything written in this era. The imaginary is excellent as is the dialouge. I think you're on a winner with this one . Mrs O

Emma, I love your cover art, it is a brilliant choice, and I enjoyed your interesting writing style. You have a very strong opening; your descriptive writing is exciting and it was very easy to be caught up and drawn into the story I thought your strength is in your MC, which is well developed, displaying insecurities, hopes, and dreams.

Great storytelling

Best wishes

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

The book is historical fiction in its finest hour, touching upon some dark moments, vivid descriptions, well-flowing dialogue, and a style of writing which makes Behind Closed Eyes a true page turner. On my shelf and Today's Pick I Like for 3/26/10: http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2010/03/todays-pick-i-like-32610.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

There are some minor vocabulary glitches that you should rectify, since they appear near you opening: --- you describe her hair as 'glutinous' perhaps shining or glowing might be better; 'beheld a slight curl' better - held a slight curl; her brother 'drooled with confidence' perhaps oozed or dripped confidence;
Not a genre I read, so I am not competent to comment further, but certainly you have captured something of the atmosphere of the beginning of the 19th Century in a country house among the 'gentry', with a superficial gloss of civilisation, embodied in fine clothes and manners, over raw emotions and plain nastiness.
phil 'Eland Dances'

You have managed to portray the stifling nature of the time and the scoiety as well as make cassie an endearing MC. She reminds me of the Rose, in the titanic movie, but in a good way. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Nineteen???! Wha....? This is STUNNING. I'm breathless. This is so like what I try to do, but Regency rather than Victorian. You are addressing some dark issues, and through such, you make this book relevant. You show how human nature doesn't change all that much, however we may change our fashions and outward manners of behaviour. I want to read more of this. It's going on my shelf and it's going to stay there for a while.

On my w/l for a backing. Please let me know if you want specific comments.

I didn't use to read historical fiction, but I'm into it now and I really enjoyed this. Early on you have 'fashion was to loose this battle' (lose?) but apart from that I can't fault it. Backed.
Cheers,
Simon

Beautifully written and polished! Bless you for uploading the entire book because i can return to this gem later! BACKED with pleasure for now!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thanks for your story, Emma. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. Thanks, Susie :)

You took me back to the Regency period with ease, I felt the genteel elegance that went with the time as I read some of your chapters.
This is writing that is perfect for that era and with it comes a fascinating story. My chosen genre is historical fiction and you haven't disappointed.
I do have some concerns regarding vocabulary but I'll send them to you in a message. Backed. Margaret.

Behind Closed Eyes
Emma Everest

Emma,
I found the storyline through your pitches very interesting. The writing has a lot of potential and I loved the descriptive, very vivid style. Cassandra Dingham is not in a unigue position for her times, every role in her life pre-determined and painstakingly observed - how she must feel with her brother wanting to marry her off! This theme is quite an engaging one - in any time or place. Should one conform or rebel? I think there is much food for thought in this piece and I look forward to reading more as time permits. Best wishes for success.
Zan

Wwell written and smooth, but could use some spice.
Good luck with it

Having read the first chapter, I like the style of writing very much. Although in the first para, I would have used 'those' instead of 'these' I feel you can get way with it because I feel you are using lines from that time in history. I think it will all work well and I look forward to watching it climb in the site. I am backing it and hope you will lookat mine, Three Stayed Home, a WW2 adventure and love story of another generation to yours. Se what you think of it and perhaps back it. Regards, JohnJ

i don't know what it is about your style of writing which held my attention. I normally run a mile from historical fiction unless it's some big event related like a war. I run a mile from anything bronte or austin. And I suffered being forced to read Jane Eyre in High School. Yet I am a big lover of history. So whatever you did, you did well enough to keep me reading. I don't know if you added pics or they are chapters but i get blue question marks on your uploads like something didnt work. Also you might try trimming your chapter length? It seems a little long.
Other than that delighted to back you.
Best,
David
Bailey of the Saints

i don't know what it is about your style of writing which held my attention. I normally run a mile from historical fiction unless it's some big event related like a war. I run a mile from anything bronte or austin. And I suffered being forced to read Jane Eyre in High School. Yet I am a big lover of history. So whatever you did, you did well enough to keep me reading. I don't know if you added pics or they are chapters but i get blue question marks on your uploads like something didnt work. Also you might try trimming your chapter length? It seems a little long.
Other than that delighted to back you.
Best,
David
Bailey of the Saints

Really enjoyed this, historical fiction has to really grab me and this did. The writing, the dialogue and the description were all in top form. Good luck with this!

Missy

Wonderful... thoroughly enjoyed. I wish you the best of luck with your book. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'