A King in Time

A King in Time tells a really good story that seems perfectly situated for the young adult market. While the legend of King Arthur (and Merlin and the rest of them from the original story) has been told and re-told many times, including putting the characters into modern day settings, this tale is unique in the way that it mergers the future and past.

The tale begins with a mystery, as all YA books should start with either a mystery to be solved or an action sequence to be resolved. It flows well from that point forward, our initial questions enough to keep us reading through some of the less exciting chapters. Given that this is aimed at YA, you might consider pushing the pace just a little bit more and eliminating or severely paring down some of the chapters. Young readers tend to have shorter attention spans than adults and doing so might help to keep a younger audience enthralled.

The dialog is particularly good, especially as it mixes a great number of people from various social classes and time zones. But each character is appropriate based on who they are and where they are from. My one slight nitpick would be that Arthur Wales would probably speak a bit more casual than he does here. Given that the current Prince William and Harry are extremely casual speakers (proper but without pretense) I can only imagine that the royal family would continue this trend into the future.

Author Mary Enck and David Gutscher do a masterful job of description no matter what time we happen to be experiencing. All five senses are included in all cases, drawing us right down to modern day London street level or back to the days of yore. It’s all very seamless and believable, which isn’t an easy thing to do given the fantastical nature of the tale.

While I think the YA market would certainly embrace A King in Time, I suspect that adults would as well. It’s got all the positives to make it work as an adult fantasy tale, and so becomes the rarest of books that young people and their parents could both enjoy. I predict that A King in Time will have much success when published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Mary,
I followed the sedate, stately pace of your book as it progressed inexorably to the point where the Arthur of modern times met up with his namesake King Arthur of Britannia. It was a brilliant treatise around one of the great "what-ifs" ever. Your characterizations are thorough, your prose easy to comprehend and dialogue uncluttered. Thank you for this majestic piece written for the pleasure of the masses.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is a great read, I almost marathoned this book in one go since it kept me mesmerised and the plot compelled me to read on.
What can I say; a great story, good characters (I love the air of royalty and dignity that flows with them), well-timed suspense and fine dialogues.

thank you for putting it up here so I had the chance to read it.
Backed

This is a professional piece of writing, clearly written by somebody who takes the work seriously.

With your story, you've managed to put a new and interesting spin on the Arthurian legends, and have given it a fresh lease of life in the process. We are treated to a seamless melding of legend, time travel and contemporary fiction.

I'm more than happy to back this book, and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

This is a fascinating take on Arthurian lore. You weave a complex tale of the past with the modern, where new characters turn out to be old ones under familiar names. For example, there is more to "John" than meets the eye, in terms of power and purpose. The time travel element make for interesting reading, especially since some of the characters like John possess knowledge from both time periods. At its heart, this novel revolves around an epic battle of good versus evil--and the evil is not always apparent at first. This is a very complex story that unfolds slowly, and is not for the reader expecting fighting scenes every other page. However, for those who are patient , the reward is an enthralling tale, full of intrigue, mystery and new insight into an old legend. Well done.

What a fantastic story. I love your description an your dialogue is smooth and natural. You have a great talent for pulling the reader into the story. Definite high stars for this one. Thanks for the read.

The pitch is interesting and drawing.
The first chapter is interesting though it does seem slow. It doesn't pull the reader too much to read on. Yet I liek the descriptions of the land and him.


Bria Heart <3

Very good story! Amazing detail you put in the story. I can't wait to read more later on when I get the time!
Highly Starred.
Thanks,
Scott Trimas
The Chimera Factor

Thank you, Scott. Happy to hear you enjoyed what you were able to read thus far. I sincerely hope you can find time to experience more.

Very good story! Amazing detail you put in the story. I can't wait to read more later on when I get the time!
Highly Starred.
Thanks,
Scott Trimas
The Chimera Factor

Hi, I spotted your forum thread sbout whether Fantasy has a chance of Authonomy and came to take a look. The answer to your question is Yes, however the mss still needs to fit the genre you're writing in. Yours is the YA Fantasy genre. The wordcount for this genre is closer to 60K, so a +100K manuscript is already at a disadvantage. The agent/publisher will be looking at slow pacing, which this novel does suffer from. It's best to check that each scene justifies it's place in the novel - is it simply there to introduce a character and the fantasy setting - in which case it's only doing half its job - or does it actually drive the plot forward?
It's not clear from the pitch what the main plot thread is in this novel. Focus on Prince Arthur, rather than his family & friends or the plot device that transports them back in time. And avoid rhetorical questions in a pitch. The pitcch fails to do its job properly - why would Britannia need King Arthur to return? What role do the dragons play? Who is the chief antagonist?
You've also picked a very difficult - ie, popular - story line for your novel. Agents/publishers see hundreds, if not thousands, of novels about Merlin and King Arthur every year. The bar is set very high.
The YA genre is aimed at a young teen (13-16) readership, and the main selling point for YA mss is the teen main protagonist's 'voice', so you really need to stick to a teen main character's pov. Adult povs are to be avoided at all costs.
All the best with it,
Naomi

Hello Naomi,

Thank you for the time you spent to write your comments. However, based on what you have to say, it does not seem to me that you have read the entire story. Unless it is extremely bad right out of the gate, I do not believe it is possible to critique a novel without reading all of it. Some of the answers to your observations lie in the story itself. As for the pitch, I agree it can always stand more tweeking.

I appreciate receiving opinions from one who is so knowledgeable.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Hi, I spotted your forum thread sbout whether Fantasy has a chance of Authonomy and came to take a look. The answer to your question is Yes, however the mss still needs to fit the genre you're writing in. Yours is the YA Fantasy genre. The wordcount for this genre is closer to 60K, so a +100K manuscript is already at a disadvantage. The agent/publisher will be looking at slow pacing, which this novel does suffer from. It's best to check that each scene justifies it's place in the novel - is it simply there to introduce a character and the fantasy setting - in which case it's only doing half its job - or does it actually drive the plot forward?
It's not clear from the pitch what the main plot thread is in this novel. Focus on Prince Arthur, rather than his family & friends or the plot device that transports them back in time. And avoid rhetorical questions in a pitch. The pitcch fails to do its job properly - why would Britannia need King Arthur to return? What role do the dragons play? Who is the chief antagonist?
You've also picked a very difficult - ie, popular - story line for your novel. Agents/publishers see hundreds, if not thousands, of novels about Merlin and King Arthur every year. The bar is set very high.
The YA genre is aimed at a young teen (13-16) readership, and the main selling point for YA mss is the teen main protagonist's 'voice', so you really need to stick to a teen main character's pov. Adult povs are to be avoided at all costs.
All the best with it,
Naomi

Wow, was really impressed with this! It's well-written and a very interesting premise. I am confused on one point though, you refer to the "knights of the Roundtable after the Roman invasion." Surely you mean Roman occupation? Because the Romans invaded England in the first century BC, they left in the fourth century CE and King Arthur's (supposedly mythical) reign was around the fifth/sixth century. There's a huge bridge of time between the Romans invading and the Romans leaving. So surely you should put "occupation" instead, or maybe something along the lines of "the Knights of the Roundtable in the dark age after the Romans left Britain." That's just a minor quibble, though.

I've rated this 5 stars based on what I've read, and added to my WL. Hope you enjoy "Tamria", and let me know what you think!

James

A sincere thank you to you, James for taking the time to look at my story. You made a very helpful comment that I will attend to straightaway. So pleased you caught that issue and I thank you so much for your assistance.

I hope you can find time to read more to both enjoy it and let me know if you see any other issues that should be addressed.

I am just beginning your Tamria now and will be in touch as soon as I can read enough of it to give you comments.

Wow, was really impressed with this! It's well-written and a very interesting premise. I am confused on one point though, you refer to the "knights of the Roundtable after the Roman invasion." Surely you mean Roman occupation? Because the Romans invaded England in the first century BC, they left in the fourth century CE and King Arthur's (supposedly mythical) reign was around the fifth/sixth century. There's a huge bridge of time between the Romans invading and the Romans leaving. So surely you should put "occupation" instead, or maybe something along the lines of "the Knights of the Roundtable in the dark age after the Romans left Britain." That's just a minor quibble, though.

I've rated this 5 stars based on what I've read, and added to my WL. Hope you enjoy "Tamria", and let me know what you think!

James

A King in Time tells a really good story that seems perfectly situated for the young adult market. While the legend of King Arthur (and Merlin and the rest of them from the original story) has been told and re-told many times, including putting the characters into modern day settings, this tale is unique in the way that it mergers the future and past.

The tale begins with a mystery, as all YA books should start with either a mystery to be solved or an action sequence to be resolved. It flows well from that point forward, our initial questions enough to keep us reading through some of the less exciting chapters. Given that this is aimed at YA, you might consider pushing the pace just a little bit more and eliminating or severely paring down some of the chapters. Young readers tend to have shorter attention spans than adults and doing so might help to keep a younger audience enthralled.

The dialog is particularly good, especially as it mixes a great number of people from various social classes and time zones. But each character is appropriate based on who they are and where they are from. My one slight nitpick would be that Arthur Wales would probably speak a bit more casual than he does here. Given that the current Prince William and Harry are extremely casual speakers (proper but without pretense) I can only imagine that the royal family would continue this trend into the future.

Author Mary Enck and David Gutscher do a masterful job of description no matter what time we happen to be experiencing. All five senses are included in all cases, drawing us right down to modern day London street level or back to the days of yore. It’s all very seamless and believable, which isn’t an easy thing to do given the fantastical nature of the tale.

While I think the YA market would certainly embrace A King in Time, I suspect that adults would as well. It’s got all the positives to make it work as an adult fantasy tale, and so becomes the rarest of books that young people and their parents could both enjoy. I predict that A King in Time will have much success when published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven [ENDQUOTE

Hello John:

To simply say thank you for your kind review of my book, would not be enough to tell you how much I appreciate your comments with respect to the dialogue of the royal characters, as well as the rest of your remarks. I have gotten a comment several times concerning how a young man would speak, and so it means it is something I must really take a look at. Perhaps it springs from my old fashioned attitudes and my love of history.

In the early chapters of this story, David was trading chapters with me and this continued to chapter 20. After that, being in the military, he was posted to Europe with his family. He didn't feel he would have the time to continue and agreed I could keep going and finish the book. His initial enthusiasim gave me the inspiration to undertake a story that had been with me since I was old enough to read. King Arthur and his Knights of The Table Round have always been my favorite. I only wished for a happier ending. The tragedy of the original left me in tears more than once. So, I took the reins for my own amusement and told the story to my own satisfaction.

I appreciate your view of the overall work and coming from one with your qualifications, I certainly feel honored.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

A King in Time tells a really good story that seems perfectly situated for the young adult market. While the legend of King Arthur (and Merlin and the rest of them from the original story) has been told and re-told many times, including putting the characters into modern day settings, this tale is unique in the way that it mergers the future and past.

The tale begins with a mystery, as all YA books should start with either a mystery to be solved or an action sequence to be resolved. It flows well from that point forward, our initial questions enough to keep us reading through some of the less exciting chapters. Given that this is aimed at YA, you might consider pushing the pace just a little bit more and eliminating or severely paring down some of the chapters. Young readers tend to have shorter attention spans than adults and doing so might help to keep a younger audience enthralled.

The dialog is particularly good, especially as it mixes a great number of people from various social classes and time zones. But each character is appropriate based on who they are and where they are from. My one slight nitpick would be that Arthur Wales would probably speak a bit more casual than he does here. Given that the current Prince William and Harry are extremely casual speakers (proper but without pretense) I can only imagine that the royal family would continue this trend into the future.

Author Mary Enck and David Gutscher do a masterful job of description no matter what time we happen to be experiencing. All five senses are included in all cases, drawing us right down to modern day London street level or back to the days of yore. It’s all very seamless and believable, which isn’t an easy thing to do given the fantastical nature of the tale.

While I think the YA market would certainly embrace A King in Time, I suspect that adults would as well. It’s got all the positives to make it work as an adult fantasy tale, and so becomes the rarest of books that young people and their parents could both enjoy. I predict that A King in Time will have much success when published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hi Mary,
I've at last got round to looking at this. Sorry it's been so long! What a difficult job you've given yourself, writing dialogue for the English upper class, the English servant class, and ancient English for the character I guess is Merlyn.
It seems to me that you sometimes have Arthur talking too much like a Medieval character (Come sit with me and take a short rest. The air grows damp and chill and I would talk with you further). By the way he would be called Arthur Windsor, not Arthur of Windsor.
The other big problem (for me anyway, but I'm probably just being pedantic, or Irish) is squaring said Windsor, whose family name was Saxe-Coburg-Gotha until 1917, with the Celtic Arthur. I haven't got far enough yet to find out.

I'd go easy on the Irish connection - Eire is not a British problem at all, it hasn't been part of Great Btitain for 90 years now, and by 2100 there will quite possibly be a united Ireland.

Stylistically, I think you should opt for a more natural way of speaking for all your characters. Often it sounds stilted. I know they are aristos but I think (never having met one!) that the language they use is the same as everybody else's, it's just the accent that changes.

Good luck with this one, I admire you for tackling such a difficult idea.
Jane

Mary,
this is a "For Women only!" review:
I read 6 chapters of this tonight. First off, let me say that this is very well written. I didn't find any grammatical or stylistic mistakes. (in my limited knowledge). The story is interesting. At this point, I wonder if Arthur is the "once and future king" and what part John plays in the story. I wonder about the old man, who seems part angelic being, part man. Who is he and what purpose is he serving? I like the seemingly innocence of the nurse, Margo.
An inspired idea for a story!
Good Luck with this!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Thank you very much, Georgia for the review. I am so pleased to know you enjoyed what you read of A King in Time. Hopefully, you will be interested enough or have the time to read on. I promise all your questions will be answered.

Sincerely,,
Mary Enck

Mary,
this is a "For Women only!" review:
I read 6 chapters of this tonight. First off, let me say that this is very well written. I didn't find any grammatical or stylistic mistakes. (in my limited knowledge). The story is interesting. At this point, I wonder if Arthur is the "once and future king" and what part John plays in the story. I wonder about the old man, who seems part angelic being, part man. Who is he and what purpose is he serving? I like the seemingly innocence of the nurse, Margo.
An inspired idea for a story!
Good Luck with this!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Hi Mary, This was recommended to me by Borkadd. I only had time for chapter 1 tonight but I found the writing very clear and focused with a good opening and the dialogue, I thought, was wonderful, with lots going on beneath the surface. Wish I had room on my shelf but it's chock-a-block at the moment, so I've sprinkled some stars for now. Hope that helps.

All the very best,

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

a BHCG review.

What I like the most about 'A King In Time' is your ability to show the draw of attunement. Whether it's the glow of recognition borne on the remnants of forgotten memories, or the nagging feelings of déjà vu that come with premonition. You chose the bailiwick of Arthurian legend well, since for most of us, it is eerily familiar. Us writers find it irresistible to spill the beans when portraying characters in their ignorance which is crucial to this time-scramble, and with this you've done an admirable job...

Except in the first chapter! In everything else I read of this manuscript things were great, with a nice amount of subtlety. I don't know why, but the dawning of realisations Arthur experiences in that one spot were overstated by the time they'd become obvious. This sentence was too leading: "There was no explanation of what just happened." I wanted to guess what had happened along with Arthur instead.

I caught a few americanisms that I'll pass on in a note (but on the whole, well done). Besides that, this is a delightful read, with an intricate weave of back-to-front interactions I'd expect from any fiction dealing with time travel.

– Bea. B.

This is a BHCG review

Hi - time to view this again. I comment as a read so forgive me if its a bit disjointed.

Opening para - gets you right there and gives a clear picture.

Second para - this is less clear. I didn't understand what you meant in the sentence that begins "since the Romans..." Also, watch out for the use of "just". Could I suggest "exactly" or even leave it out completely.

Not sure about the frown "sitting". Good clear description of Arthur and skillfully done. The sentence that begins "except for....." this doesn't work for me at all. The birdsong isn't occasional - perhaps "odd" or "singular" and I don't get "silent beauty". Sorry.

Do ancient stones "come". I think perhaps "arrived" or even "were there" would be better.

Again, clear description of the old man, so good. Not sure about the use of "for". This seems out of kilter with the voice you've been using so far.

"Startled, Arthur quickly regained his composure". This sentence doesn't work. The fact that he was startled then so suddenly recovered has no impact. I would suggest re-wording with something like "At first Arthur was startled but then he steadied himself and replied"

The dialogue between Arthur and the old man seems a bit jarring. I'm not sure what to suggest here other than I doesn't seem very realistic. I haven't read further but from your pitch I'm guessing that there are centuries between these two people? If so, it would be a good and interesting device to give them very different ways of speaking.

"thoughts of possible danger" what thoughts of possible danger?

The bit about the story seems a bit unecessary here. Why does Arthur suddenly start telling it?

The bit about the bodyguards seems a bit random. We had no idea he was supposed to be with his body guards so it's a bit odd for them to be introduced in this way. Is there a better way of doing it?

I like the concept that the old man seems to know him. Can you emphasise this more? You say things like "the old one seemed to think he knew him" but I don't see enough of the old man's emotions.

I think I'd like to know what the "obligations, conversations and meetings" actually were. There's no drama here - just narrative. Perhpas a scene to "show" this rather than "telling" it would be good? Especially to demonstrate his frustration with the established ways.

"He vowed......" this para seems out of place. Has something been cut from it because to me it makes no sense. Sorry. In particular the media proclaiming "the return of Arthur". Erm.... I just don't get it.

Good start to London 2100 - skillful scene setting.

Cromwell's language seems odd. Has he come from a previous time?

The idea that he wants to unite Great Britain is good. I'm not sure about the Irish question, though. Currently Ireland is pretty settled. If you want to make it that it all kicks off again, I think some reference to that is needed. Maybe something along the lines of "despite the best efforts at the end of the twentieth century the Irish were as unsettled and angry as ever". Also, I think some reference to the north and south of Ireland is needed. Southern Ireland is and has been for a good while settled. It's Northern Ireland that has the Troubles.

Chapter 1 ends very abruptly. I actually went on into chapter 2 to see if you'd cut it off at the wrong place.

"serenaded his toothbrush".... ummm... what?

I like the character of John and his interaction with Margo. His language is peculiar though. "I'll get to them as soon as I'm able". No, "I'll get to them as soon as I can" - or do we discover that he IS from a previous time? If he is, would he be able to read English in the magazines? And would he not be bemused by the photos?



OK... that's as far as I got.

The way in which you describe your characters is good and skillful. You're also good at scene setting. Plot-wise, this intrigues me a little, but not enough to read further. To be fair, that might simply be that it's not my genre. However, I do feel that you need to look again at the first chapter. At no point did I feel you'd got into your stride. Chapter 2 is better and John comes across better than Arthur to me. Chapter 1 is rather bitty and has too much "telling" rather than "showing". Also, have a think about the use of language as it seems rather contrived in Chapter 1.

Hope that helps and feel free to take or leave all this as you will

:-)

Hello, Mary
This is a BHCG review

Dialogue: Your dialogue was natural and flowed well. As Kenneth pointed out, your character's lines are "uncluttered" by unnecessary or unrealistic dialogue tags, yet it is still clear to your reader which character is speaking. Nice job.

Plot: You've chosen a subject that has fascinated the world for centuries. We discussed King Arthur in one of my literature classes, and one of the legends of Arthur is that he will once again return and rule England. In a way, perhaps you are playing off on that legend.

Originality: Rather than rehashing the Arthur stories, you appear to be discussing a namesake of Arthur who wishes to rebuild Camelot in 2100. You've done something different with a popular legend.

Pacing: You began your story with a conversation that helped to reveal necessary information, but also propelled the story forward. You immediately tried to peak your reader's interest.

Description: Your description was beautiful, but did not clutter the text or slow your pacing.

Thank you for posting your work. If you have a chance, please check out my novel, Leave Me Asking. Best of luck with your writing.
Jonie

This is a BHCG review

Umm... I'm not sure if I've missed something here, but isn't this very similar to "A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court" by Mark Twain?

Sorry to be so blunt, but it seems somewhat plagiaristic.

Hi Terri:

Indeed, I believe you have missed something concerning my novel. I'm not sure how much you have read of A King in Time or if you are basing your comments on the long pitch for the book. However, this is in no way the same as the story written by Mark Twain. In no instance will you find his words copied in my book, with one exception and that is duly placed in quotes and noted. Those words came from another writing of Mark Twain and not from the novel you referenced in your critique.

My character is a Prince of Wales in the year 2100 and has nothing to do with Conneticut. The time travel that this story is based on happens to take the characters of the future into the past with the Court of King Arthur as the setting for the ensuing adventures of those from our future.

In addition, there are dragons in this novel and a lot of the story is about them. I suggest you read on to see what I am saying refutes your charges that I would plagarise the work of someone so admired as Mark Twain or Samuel Clemens, who by the way published his story in 1989 and it is now in the Public Domain. The story of King Arthur and his knights of the round table has been written by many, using their own spin on the story. That cannot or has never been suggested as to be plagarism of a story that has endured for centuries.

Thank you for commenting. I am sure there was no brutality intended in your critique. I would instead, like to hear what you thought of the story and my writing.

Mary Enck

This is a BHCG review

Umm... I'm not sure if I've missed something here, but isn't this very similar to "A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court" by Mark Twain?

Sorry to be so blunt, but it seems somewhat plagiaristic.

A BHCG Review. Please feel free to ignore anything I say. I’m not a professional writer, just an avid reader.

Pitches: I was thrown by the final sentence of your LP. I know what you were trying to say, but I think there must be an easier way to say it.

It’s taking me a while to get into the flow - things like “A frown sat on Arthur’s brow”. I like what you’re trying to do but it’s taking a bit of time for me to get interested in this Arthur. Possibly because you’re writing in what I think of as “historical style/literary language” yet we’re in 2100. An Arthur of 2100 would have a very different “voice” to your authorial voice which is telling the story.

You have a few issues with your punctuation. E.g. “He groaned and sat up taking in deep breaths of air” should have a comma after “up”. Also, “He waited while the older man came nearer and not recognizing him, he said”. I would put a comma after the “and”. You should always have a comma before someone’s name. e.g. Arthur’s aide, Cromwell. Otherwise it reads as though Arthur has something called an “Aide Cromwell”. You also need a comma after somone’s name e.g. “she sat in satisfaction in the rooms of her son, Arthur as she waited for him”. You must put in the second comma otherwise it doesn’t make sense.

At this point (London - 2100), I’m confused why everyone is talking in medieval language. Like I said earlier, I’d appreciate a more modern feel to this time period, to make it distinct from when he does go back in time. John speaks in slightly more modern terms to start with but your language, as the narrator, is strictly “historical”, with lots of adverbs and passive sentence structure. I also noticed a lot of “nice” and “nicely” as description. Generic and lazy writing (that sounds harsh, but those are the exact words a professional editor would use).

I read as far as the end of chapter 4, and it’s clear that you’ve spent most of your time with Chapter 1. The following chapters are full of confusing sentences and have more punctuation errors. I’m having to work too hard to understand the sentences to feel intrigued. You throw in little hints of puzzlement but they’re not enough for me, I’m afraid. I love historical fiction (Bernard Cornwell and Diana Gabaldon are two of my favourite authors), but I’m really struggling with this. A real shame as I think the story has great potential. 4 stars.

Thank you for your comments.

Just a note to you: Even though British Royalty tend to be more formal in their speech than the working class, this is a story about time travel. That may give you a clue as to why the style of language is not what you think it should be in the future year 2100. This is also why I always try to read an entire novel before I comment because not everything can be given away in the first chapter.

I believe grammar can be handled by an editor. That is what they are for and I would not wish to put any of them out of work by becoming a perfect writer.

I appreciate the time you took to look at my story. To me, the story is everything.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

A BHCG Review. Please feel free to ignore anything I say. I’m not a professional writer, just an avid reader.

Pitches: I was thrown by the final sentence of your LP. I know what you were trying to say, but I think there must be an easier way to say it.

It’s taking me a while to get into the flow - things like “A frown sat on Arthur’s brow”. I like what you’re trying to do but it’s taking a bit of time for me to get interested in this Arthur. Possibly because you’re writing in what I think of as “historical style/literary language” yet we’re in 2100. An Arthur of 2100 would have a very different “voice” to your authorial voice which is telling the story.

You have a few issues with your punctuation. E.g. “He groaned and sat up taking in deep breaths of air” should have a comma after “up”. Also, “He waited while the older man came nearer and not recognizing him, he said”. I would put a comma after the “and”. You should always have a comma before someone’s name. e.g. Arthur’s aide, Cromwell. Otherwise it reads as though Arthur has something called an “Aide Cromwell”. You also need a comma after somone’s name e.g. “she sat in satisfaction in the rooms of her son, Arthur as she waited for him”. You must put in the second comma otherwise it doesn’t make sense.

At this point (London - 2100), I’m confused why everyone is talking in medieval language. Like I said earlier, I’d appreciate a more modern feel to this time period, to make it distinct from when he does go back in time. John speaks in slightly more modern terms to start with but your language, as the narrator, is strictly “historical”, with lots of adverbs and passive sentence structure. I also noticed a lot of “nice” and “nicely” as description. Generic and lazy writing (that sounds harsh, but those are the exact words a professional editor would use).

I read as far as the end of chapter 4, and it’s clear that you’ve spent most of your time with Chapter 1. The following chapters are full of confusing sentences and have more punctuation errors. I’m having to work too hard to understand the sentences to feel intrigued. You throw in little hints of puzzlement but they’re not enough for me, I’m afraid. I love historical fiction (Bernard Cornwell and Diana Gabaldon are two of my favourite authors), but I’m really struggling with this. A real shame as I think the story has great potential. 4 stars.

A KING IN TIME

a BHCG review

TITLE: Doesn't make me question it...feels solid.

SHORT PITCH: I think you might want to shift it to 2200. TIme travel won't be around in 2100. Other than that I think it okay. The "he may have to change the past" feels a little limp though...possibly more specifics would enhance?

LONG PITCH: Oh...I see...its not technology that allows him to head back. Not an issue then heh. "...who live in these pages" doesn't work for me (sorry!) should probably just cut it. Otherwise...pretty good!

TEXT:

Part of me is hoping as I read the start that this isn't a book ala Dallas where its all a dream or a figment related to his bumping his head...feels like a set up for that...but possibly not!

"it was then a voice penetrated his thoughts" feels awkward. might rephrase.

good...I think the fans of Arthur will enjoy this retelling of sorts. The old man mystery, a question of whether he'll be able to reunite the land, a struggle with his position, etc...all good.

I think the opening was slightly ...murky...might spend a little more time clarifying where he is, a greater sense of scene and what's going on with the weather before dashing him down... maybe?

chapter 2 didn't bring many questions up...meaning I had no real issues...although I felt like his recalling of the past in such solid/feeling detail about Margo a little hard to believe...especially when he doesn't recognize rugby at all.

chapter 3 the old many mystery is brought up and a new hospital John mystery man as well. I'm sort of interested but wish there was more to dazzle/hook me to it.

Best of luck with this Mary!

Wonderful piece of writing. Right from the start the reader is hooked in the the air of mystery surrounding the first characters introduced. The end of each chapter pulls you toward the next so that you easily find yourself reading chapter after chapter. The characters are interesting and well thought out. I found that as I discovered more about each character in every new chapter, I wanted to know more. Great story storyline and plot as well. Although there have been many stories written about King Arthur, Cameolot and English royalty, your story is fresh, interesting and well thougth out. Well done and keep up the good work!

Solomon
Sons of God Daughters of Men

A BHCG review.

Plot - You have a nice opening with some v ivid descriptions that really drew me in. The story flows well easily drawing the reader along. I like how you describe the mist rolling in and then the cloaked figure appearing. It really adds to the mystery of what's going on.

Pacing - I felt you had just enough backstory to let us know what was happening.

Characters - Your characters are very believable. Arthur is very easy to like and his reactions sound honest.

Voice - I think the voice you use works well with this story.

Style - The style works well. Your story was easy to follow and as I stated eariler your descriptions are quite vivid and beautiful.

Sentence Level - I didn't find any grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, or unneeded phrases. Your wiriting seems clean and well edited.

Dialogue - You have some nice dialogue that flows well and sounds natural. You reveal some of the backstory through the dialogue, which works really well.

Originality - There are a lot of Aruthur stories on the market, but I found yours to be very original.

Publishability - Over all I would say this story is very clean, well edited, and entertaining with likable characters. I think this has good publishing potential.

Hi Mary,

Finally getting a chance to check your story out. I love the premise in the pitch, but I think as a pitch, it needs scrubbing (as most do on Authonomy). It’s confusing. If this is Arthur of old, why does it take place in the 2100?

Chapter 1

Can breaths be “laced” with fragrance? I’m not seeing the visual. Mixed? Meshed? Might be better words
“man made conveyances” should be a hyphen between man and made

A frown sat on his brow? Kind of confusing imagery. A frown is something the mouth does, not the brow. I think you mean his brow furrowed.

Other than a few confusing word choices in the imagery, there really isn’t much wrong with this. Very clean, polished writing and you have a smooth flow to your words. Easy-to-read in that it’s packaged well, which is a good thing.

High stars for this and I’ll recommend it to folks when I can. Good stuff.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Thank you so much, Phil for the feedback. Comments from writers I respect mean a great deal to me. You are one of those.

In this story, Arthur, Prince of Wales was named after the great King Arthur. I was careful to note it is set in the year 2100 in the beginning, and he is not the original Arthur in that incarnation. He meets up with him soon enough but centuries in the past. This is a novel about time travel.

According to Wikipedia.com here is the definition I used for frown. "A frown (also known as a scowl) is a facial expression in which the eyebrows are brought together, and the forehead is wrinkled." I usually check out words there when I want to be accurate.

I often write in the way I speak. So laced with a fragrance is, in my mind, akin to lacing a drink with a potion. Will consider an alternate though.

I am so pleased you found my story to your liking. Thank you for the compliments.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Hi Mary,

Finally getting a chance to check your story out. I love the premise in the pitch, but I think as a pitch, it needs scrubbing (as most do on Authonomy). It’s confusing. If this is Arthur of old, why does it take place in the 2100?

Chapter 1

Can breaths be “laced” with fragrance? I’m not seeing the visual. Mixed? Meshed? Might be better words
“man made conveyances” should be a hyphen between man and made

A frown sat on his brow? Kind of confusing imagery. A frown is something the mouth does, not the brow. I think you mean his brow furrowed.

Other than a few confusing word choices in the imagery, there really isn’t much wrong with this. Very clean, polished writing and you have a smooth flow to your words. Easy-to-read in that it’s packaged well, which is a good thing.

High stars for this and I’ll recommend it to folks when I can. Good stuff.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

BHCG Review

Short Pitch – Good. I like this. King Arthur with a twist.

Long Pitch – This is a little vague I think “along with a host of others who are part of his life.” “They have also been caught in the portal with him” – what portal? Confused. Maybe say something about the portal in the first line and then you won’t need this line at all. For ex.: “ Arthur, Prince of Wales is sent back to the 5th century via a portal…” or something like that. I’m also unsure about this “who live in these pages” – it doesn’t make a lot of sense and seems a little trite. I liked your last line but felt that it could have been more impactful – the word “inevitable” isn’t quite exciting enough. You want to pack the end of this pitch with a punch – and that word just doesn’t do it for me. Having said that, I am interested by your concept and idea and that will have me reading on. I’d like to see how you’ve pulled this off.

Plot – I like your opening a lot – but your first sentence jarred me. The juxtaposition of embracing/dissolved didn’t work for me – to have to verbs like that so close to one another – I found it a bit confusing. One or the other perhaps, but not both. Not sure about this sentence either “it was free of rumbling vibrations from man made conveyances” – I’m really not sure what you are talking about here. “A frown sat on Arthur’s brow” – can frowns sit? Jarred by this too. “the lesser one where he stood” – what lesser one? Confused. “It was then (that) a voice penetrated his thoughts” ?? I find the juxtaposition of the modern and ancient here a little bit strange. I liked the way you ended the first chapter though. It was unexpected.

Chapter two – not sure about “serenaded his toothbrush” but the writing here is much better – more active, more alive, more interesting. I am instantly drawn in – in a way that I was not in the first chapter.

Pacing – I can’t figure out if Arthur (in this very first section) is in the present or the past. I feel like I need a bit more backstory already. Perhaps the second section of chapter 1 needs to come first?

Characters/Characterization – in the first section of chapter one Arthur seems a bit flat to me – he is a much more interesting character in the second section of chapter one – he comes alive there. John and Margo are much more engaging and interesting characters than Arthur so far.

Point of View/Voice - the voice of John in the second chapter is alive and fresh. Arthur kind of bored me in the first chapter.

Style – Again, the style of the first chapter did not work as well for me as the style in the second chapter.

Sentence level – see above – but in general – the work has phrases here and there that jarred and confused me. Most of the writing was clear and concise and interesting however.

Dialogue – so far, believable

Originality – I think this is a neat new take on the age-old King Arthur story

Publishability – I think this needs a good deal more work before it can be published. (But that is, of course, just my opinion). The concept is great, the execution needs work.

Rena (Bunderful) – Master of the Miracles

Hello Rena,

Thank you for the time you took to read some of my novel and write your comments. I honestly feel I would like to address some of your confusion as you have stated in your review of A King in Time. This is rather a Brutal Honesty Critique of your review.

I believe there are some people who do not understand either Fantasy or Science Fiction. People and events are often not what they seem in the beginning. Vague might be merely mystery. I will always maintain that a reader cannot get a clear picture of a book until they have read all of it. This is especially true of the genre I write in.

As for the various places where you didn't agree with my use of words or their placement, I will say that this novel has been edited twice by outside editors and none of this came up. Perhaps, consider some of what you suggest is merely my style of writing as it differs from your own. Therefore, I want to try to clear up some things for you.

e.g. Portals are doors for moving from one place to another. In Science Fiction, they are well understood and appear often. Mine was triggered by a solar eclipse.

Perhaps you missed it but I placed dates and locations at the beginning of those first few chapters to make it clear where the story begins in the future year 2100. Later in the novel when the characters slip through a time portal I believe I reflected their confusion about where they were. You would discover along with them that they are in the past.

". . . Who live in these pages." I would like to hope that my writing brings characters alive and thus they live in the pages.

"Inevitable packs no punch for you." Consider it is an event that is sure to happen and unavoidable. With time travel, this danger is just that. Any suggestions for an alternative?

You were not sure what this means: " . . . rumbling vibrations from man made conveyances." Big old trucks built by men that rumble and vibrate the landscape when they pass.

I am pleased that you at least liked my story. It is unfortunate that some of my writing did not appeal to your sense of the way things are expressed. There is supposed to be a certain element of mystery and lack of explanation of why things happen as they do in Fantasy and Sci-Fi. I feel I fulfill that within the guidelines of those mentors I have studied with both at university and at the many writing conferences I have attended. So, my dear, if you are confused at various places perhaps it is just because you are not accustomed to reading in this genre.

I certainly did not feel qualified to critique content of your novel as I am not of your faith or not at all religious. Nevertheless, I did appreciate your style of writing. Just because one has an education does not always indicate they have an understanding of everything in the known Universe. I have a Masters Degree in Creative Writing from the University of California in Los Angeles. That is one of the best schools for that subject in America. I still make errors.

I do appreciate your effort to speak honestly just as I try to do myself. Thank you again.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

BHCG Review

Short Pitch – Good. I like this. King Arthur with a twist.

Long Pitch – This is a little vague I think “along with a host of others who are part of his life.” “They have also been caught in the portal with him” – what portal? Confused. Maybe say something about the portal in the first line and then you won’t need this line at all. For ex.: “ Arthur, Prince of Wales is sent back to the 5th century via a portal…” or something like that. I’m also unsure about this “who live in these pages” – it doesn’t make a lot of sense and seems a little trite. I liked your last line but felt that it could have been more impactful – the word “inevitable” isn’t quite exciting enough. You want to pack the end of this pitch with a punch – and that word just doesn’t do it for me. Having said that, I am interested by your concept and idea and that will have me reading on. I’d like to see how you’ve pulled this off.

Plot – I like your opening a lot – but your first sentence jarred me. The juxtaposition of embracing/dissolved didn’t work for me – to have to verbs like that so close to one another – I found it a bit confusing. One or the other perhaps, but not both. Not sure about this sentence either “it was free of rumbling vibrations from man made conveyances” – I’m really not sure what you are talking about here. “A frown sat on Arthur’s brow” – can frowns sit? Jarred by this too. “the lesser one where he stood” – what lesser one? Confused. “It was then (that) a voice penetrated his thoughts” ?? I find the juxtaposition of the modern and ancient here a little bit strange. I liked the way you ended the first chapter though. It was unexpected.

Chapter two – not sure about “serenaded his toothbrush” but the writing here is much better – more active, more alive, more interesting. I am instantly drawn in – in a way that I was not in the first chapter.

Pacing – I can’t figure out if Arthur (in this very first section) is in the present or the past. I feel like I need a bit more backstory already. Perhaps the second section of chapter 1 needs to come first?

Characters/Characterization – in the first section of chapter one Arthur seems a bit flat to me – he is a much more interesting character in the second section of chapter one – he comes alive there. John and Margo are much more engaging and interesting characters than Arthur so far.

Point of View/Voice - the voice of John in the second chapter is alive and fresh. Arthur kind of bored me in the first chapter.

Style – Again, the style of the first chapter did not work as well for me as the style in the second chapter.

Sentence level – see above – but in general – the work has phrases here and there that jarred and confused me. Most of the writing was clear and concise and interesting however.

Dialogue – so far, believable

Originality – I think this is a neat new take on the age-old King Arthur story

Publishability – I think this needs a good deal more work before it can be published. (But that is, of course, just my opinion). The concept is great, the execution needs work.

Rena (Bunderful) – Master of the Miracles

BHCG review

I always start my reviews with the caveat that I am far from a professional and I and so-so writer. Take or leave these comments as they are just my opinion. Also, I am not going to follow the BHCG template I just pick out things that pop out to me.

First, I will say that it is a good book I read through Chapter 4 and it kept me interested. I will probably read more when I get time. You are really great at painting a picture with words. I can't find much wrong with what I have read so far. My bailiwick is not grammar so I don't usually point things out unless there is a glaring error.

I would recommend that you look over your long pitch, it doesn't do your book justice. For instance the second sentence is a little confusing. Who is "their Aide"? The second sentence seems to run on long. You could say Arthur and a host of other indivduals have found themselves in the 5th century (you could write it better). I don't think it is important in the long pitch to list everyone who is transported to hte 5th century, the important part to convey that Arthur is transported.

In second paragraph of the LP you say "when the future kings settle into a new way of life" that is confusing too. Do you mean the older and younger Arthur? Again try not to paraphrase the story too much in the LP (I need to work on that too) but just have some hooks to get people to read.

In the first chapter the first bit when Arthur runs into the old man doesn't really get me into reading the story and the mystery. I think it really picks up in chapter 2.

Instead of listing the year over and over I think you could use context clues in the writing for the reader to get the idea that they are in the future versus the past. Like if Arthur is in the 5th Century he probably wouldn't using a computer or cell phones.

That is all I have. I hope I wasn't too BH. I really think it is a good story just need to hook people in a little more so that they can see how good it is too.

Thank you so much, Paige. I honestly appreciate your comments. I will certainly consider all that you have said and try to be as objective as I possibly can with making changes. I agree with some of the suggestions straight away. Now it is complete I can begin trying to make the story better.

I am grateful for the time you spent. I am sorry you didn't get a chance to get into the past along with that host of characters. Perhaps if you do get there at some point, you will see where the first four chapters were going.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

BHCG review

I always start my reviews with the caveat that I am far from a professional and I and so-so writer. Take or leave these comments as they are just my opinion. Also, I am not going to follow the BHCG template I just pick out things that pop out to me.

First, I will say that it is a good book I read through Chapter 4 and it kept me interested. I will probably read more when I get time. You are really great at painting a picture with words. I can't find much wrong with what I have read so far. My bailiwick is not grammar so I don't usually point things out unless there is a glaring error.

I would recommend that you look over your long pitch, it doesn't do your book justice. For instance the second sentence is a little confusing. Who is "their Aide"? The second sentence seems to run on long. You could say Arthur and a host of other indivduals have found themselves in the 5th century (you could write it better). I don't think it is important in the long pitch to list everyone who is transported to hte 5th century, the important part to convey that Arthur is transported.

In second paragraph of the LP you say "when the future kings settle into a new way of life" that is confusing too. Do you mean the older and younger Arthur? Again try not to paraphrase the story too much in the LP (I need to work on that too) but just have some hooks to get people to read.

In the first chapter the first bit when Arthur runs into the old man doesn't really get me into reading the story and the mystery. I think it really picks up in chapter 2.

Instead of listing the year over and over I think you could use context clues in the writing for the reader to get the idea that they are in the future versus the past. Like if Arthur is in the 5th Century he probably wouldn't using a computer or cell phones.

That is all I have. I hope I wasn't too BH. I really think it is a good story just need to hook people in a little more so that they can see how good it is too.

Hi Mary, this is a BHCG review :-)
I like your cover.
Short pitch feels like you’ve tried to cram too much into it so merely summarised.
Merlyn in the long pitch – I could be totally wrong but I’ve always seen it spelt Merlin?
Not so sure about the landscape ‘embracing’ Arthur. Maybe ‘surrounding’ would be better?
To be honest (which I guess is the point here!) the first chapter didn’t really get going for me until the dialogue section. This is where I started getting interested.

Arthur put aside thoughts of possible danger; and he continued to speak in a casual relaxed way. – This sentence doesn’t need the semi colon (in fact I don’t think it’s even been used correctly? Maybe ask the grammar hag), To me it was like a brick wall in the middle of a sentence. I would write it simply as ‘Arthur put aside thoughts of possible danger and continued to speak in a casual, relaxed way.’

The language of the 2100 Arthur seems to be that of a centuries old Arthur. I haven’t read too far in yet but at this stage from the pitch I’m wondering if it wouldn’t have been a better contrast to use more modern speech in the modern times to highlight the eventual change when he goes back in time. For example I was caught up in the language you (and Arthur use) so when the phone rang I had to remember we were actually in the future not the past as the language read to me.

She calls him John, then Sir. I think you should just be consistent and stick with John.

Good chapter length.

End of Chapter two builds great suspense and mystery. Leaves the reader wanting more.

Chapter three and four– great. Definitely for me the story gets better as it goes along, so I think your chapter one needs to be developed further. The start is just not strong enough for me, compared to what follows.

I didn’t see any typos at all. Great editing! A few grammar issues for me. This sentence – But, before she could go on, he began pacing and speaking of someone, he had met the day before in the countryside by the stone circle. – For me, lose the comma after someone. It stops the sentence where it shouldn’t.

As far as publishing, there’s always a market for this kind of thing I believe. My mother for example likes anything about the olden times. Just needs some editing and a little fine tuning.

Good luck with this,
Tammy

Thank you, Tammy for the time you spent reviewing my story. I like your observation on the short pitch and have changed it to read thus:

It's 2100. A solar eclipse throws England's Prince Arthur back to the 5th Century where he discovers he may have to change the past.

How's that? Better?

Pleased you like my cover created by Bradley Wind.

By the way, Merlin is the popular version of the spelling of his name, however, in Welsh Country, where the story takes place, "Myrddin Emrys" is the way it is. I took liberties with his name because of that more authentic version. I am not the first writer to do this. For example: The Book of Merlyn by T. H. White.

I have never been to New Zealand but have always longed to go there since seeing The Lord of The Rings. The landscapes must be magnificent.

I grew up in the United States, raised by my grandparents who were from London, England. Therefore, I learned to speak as they did. Since they had been connected to the Royals, their speech reflected the vernacular of their associations. Apparently, mine still does. I have no defense for that.

A King in Time is set in the future at the beginning and later whilst in the past, who is to say what either era could produce in the realm of mannerisms. It is fiction after all and not meant to be reality.

We all have time constraints and I am working on another novel at the present. However, I really hope you might find time to read further into the pages where my characters interact with the past. I agree with your mother, those settings contain more entertainment. I would love to hear what she has to say of my work.

Thank you once again for the comments on the punctuation you found that should be corrected. I have had this book edited twice and yet they still pop up.

You have my gratitude for your insight into things that are so easy to miss for a writer. I shall surely read what you have posted here and I am sure I will enjoy your story line from what your pitch suggests.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Hi Mary, this is a BHCG review :-)
I like your cover.
Short pitch feels like you’ve tried to cram too much into it so merely summarised.
Merlyn in the long pitch – I could be totally wrong but I’ve always seen it spelt Merlin?
Not so sure about the landscape ‘embracing’ Arthur. Maybe ‘surrounding’ would be better?
To be honest (which I guess is the point here!) the first chapter didn’t really get going for me until the dialogue section. This is where I started getting interested.

Arthur put aside thoughts of possible danger; and he continued to speak in a casual relaxed way. – This sentence doesn’t need the semi colon (in fact I don’t think it’s even been used correctly? Maybe ask the grammar hag), To me it was like a brick wall in the middle of a sentence. I would write it simply as ‘Arthur put aside thoughts of possible danger and continued to speak in a casual, relaxed way.’

The language of the 2100 Arthur seems to be that of a centuries old Arthur. I haven’t read too far in yet but at this stage from the pitch I’m wondering if it wouldn’t have been a better contrast to use more modern speech in the modern times to highlight the eventual change when he goes back in time. For example I was caught up in the language you (and Arthur use) so when the phone rang I had to remember we were actually in the future not the past as the language read to me.

She calls him John, then Sir. I think you should just be consistent and stick with John.

Good chapter length.

End of Chapter two builds great suspense and mystery. Leaves the reader wanting more.

Chapter three and four– great. Definitely for me the story gets better as it goes along, so I think your chapter one needs to be developed further. The start is just not strong enough for me, compared to what follows.

I didn’t see any typos at all. Great editing! A few grammar issues for me. This sentence – But, before she could go on, he began pacing and speaking of someone, he had met the day before in the countryside by the stone circle. – For me, lose the comma after someone. It stops the sentence where it shouldn’t.

As far as publishing, there’s always a market for this kind of thing I believe. My mother for example likes anything about the olden times. Just needs some editing and a little fine tuning.

Good luck with this,
Tammy

Mary, these comments arrive with a sheepish apology. You were one of the first members of the BHCG to review my work, and I’ve owed you this review for too long. Not only that, your comments were spot on – you said I needed to show more. At first I scoffed but then I read it with that on my mind and guess what? You were right!!

As you know, I am accompanied on reviews by my English-teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. She’s incorrigible.

I read the first four chapters but if I had the time I’d read more!

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I like how you create a sense of place right away. Something I need to work on.

I like how my two questions at the end of chapter one are these: will he meet a girl? and why are we switching time frames? Those are the right questions to have at this point.

I definitely appreciate the sense of mystery at the end of the second chapter. I am getting mighty curious!

The start of chapter four is an example of why writing is superior to film. I wasn’t entirely sure which London he was visiting until he mentioned the lifts and the beige pantsuit.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
I think it’s just right, but I enjoy lots of mystery at first. I’m paying attention to how you play it out because I’ve gotten so much feedback that I give too much backstory without solving the mystery!!

Characters/Characterization
‘Perhaps he should be more careful about eluding his bodyguards…” very helpfut bit of info about him.

I do wonder a bit about our Arthur at the end of chapter 1, but I am OK with getting to know him better in a later chapter.

Dissing the Queen? My dad wouldn’t like that. He won a world war just for her (=:

Point of View/Voice
Omniscient, which is exactly right for this type of story, with its multiple threads.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
You write in a sort of courtly manner that suits the plot and characters as well as your two time frames. I think YA readers, as well as adults who enjoy fantasy, will appreciate it.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
In the first sentence, the phrase “forced his head into contact with” seems weak to The Hag.

The first sentence is so beautifully written…..except for the “forced his head into contact with.” How hard did he hit the stone? Fewer words could convey more precise meaning, important in the first sentence. “…the wind threw (nice strong verb) him to the ground and buffeted his head….” Or use smashed or smacked or slammed or whatever.

Now that I’ve finished the first three paragraphs, I wonder if it would be worth it to recast that first sentence to make the wind the subject of the sentence? This is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.

Dialogue
All appropriate to the story.

Originality
Very original.

Publishability
I think so. But what do I know? I believe there’s enough interest in the whole Arthurian legend that anything about him would sell. This story, however, is also quite good!

Hey, Mary. :-)

Once you said ‘Why, you are Arthur, of course. King of England!’ there was a huge pivot in your story toward the heart of my interests. I feel that’s when the story came alive to me. I loved it. After I read that, I was like ‘Yes, yes, yes’ a hundred times over. And to back it up with an equally great line is the following when Arthur said he wasn’t yet. Just loved it. A GREAT counter. And from that point on I was loving the story of Arther and the writing that came with it. It‘s funny how a certain thing can change your outlook on a piece. I almost felt like the chapter should have started right there. Glad it was short because all the chapter that I read today were long and drawn out and very boring. You kept my interest until the end. 6 stars. Future backing.
“Mother, Can we speak . . .” lowercase ‘c’

What an interesting idea for a story. You hooked me with your opening when it says, "What the Devil was that?" Now, I'm wondering the same...I had to break away from the first Chapter when I saw you have 60 Chapters posted. I'm afraid I'd be reading all day! Anyways, loved the pitch. It helped set the scene as well. I hope you get the chance to take a look at Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Any feedback is appreciated! Best of luck with your book!

Ashley

Thank you for the comments, Ashley.

So pleased you liked what I began with. I wish you had time to read more as I would love to hear what you think. Your reading list favorites coincides close with books I love as well. So, I imagine we are of like minds in some ways. I will indeed read your Maddy Hatfield and The Magic Locket. It looks like my kind of story.

Thank you again.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

What an interesting idea for a story. You hooked me with your opening when it says, "What the Devil was that?" Now, I'm wondering the same...I had to break away from the first Chapter when I saw you have 60 Chapters posted. I'm afraid I'd be reading all day! Anyways, loved the pitch. It helped set the scene as well. I hope you get the chance to take a look at Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Any feedback is appreciated! Best of luck with your book!

Ashley

This is my BHCG review with the only purpose to be useful after reading three chapters.

PLOT/PACING
I found the story flowed well and I did not get stuck at any point. I felt the introduction of characters in the first three chapters was very good, particularly with the third chapter indicating that connection between John and the Queen.
I did find confusing that John states he has not seen but one person for a week, and then we know there are plans to move him to supported lodgings. Do they really leave mental health patients with contact with only one person when they are preparing them for reinsertion?

CHARACTERS
I missed some more specific flavour into the characters. In regards to Arthur and the Queen, I felt too much was said about them as a general backstory as oppose to us being able to really appreciate their daily lives. For instance, in the first chapter we read that Arthur 'disliked the constant play of protocol and ceremony'. And references to that appear a couple of times in the chapter. I felt it would have been more insightful to really see how this protocol affects thier life. I do not know if I'm explaining myself clearly, and I apologise if I don't. What I'm trying to say is that, after reading the introduction to these characters, I don't feel I'm getting any insight as to what being royal might mean, and I think I should if the story is to have meaning and really attract me.
Likewise, I really liked the sentences from the old man in his meeting with Arthur in the first chapter, yet I was unable to really believe the whole encounter, I could not see Arthur's reactions as coming from a prince.

Point of view/Voice
I felt it needs a stronger voice. I don't know how to explain it except that I felt it bland. There are great themes at work here from a subject that has been written about and twisted already many times, so when picking a new Arthur novel it has to be clear from the beginning which new angle we ar being offered.
I have one question in regards to the year 2100. What does it add to the story? I did not feel it added anything. I think if a year is to be specified, then it should be used somehow. If not, then I think it would be better to not specify the date and leave up to the reader to play with it.

Sentence level
I found some commas were misplaced, but I am not always right with my grammar comments, so I think better not to say something that could actually be wrong.
In regards to sentences, I found them right. Nice mixture of short and longer, action and description.

Dialogue
I already mentioned the old man's words that I really liked. They brought flavour and a call upon a mistery. Good words.
I found good misture of prose and dialogue.

Originality
Refer to Voice

Publishability
I like Arthur and I like adventure. No editor experience so I wouldn't guess what an editor would say.
As an Arthur fan I would not complain about another book on the subject, but I'd like more work on it to make it more unique and not just another book on Arthur theme.

I hope this has been useful and, whatever it not, I hope you forget it soon.
Best of luck and lots of inspiration!!!

Hello Ana.

Thank you very much for your comments on my story. I truly feel you did not get what you expected and I am not suprised if you only read three chapters. This novel is complex and there are several characters who take the stage, in turn, to interact with the plot. Should you read further, you will discover why I made the initial setting in the year 2100. After all, how do any of us really know how people would speak, or what their motivations in the future would be unless I deliver that information within my writing. Nevertheless, this is a work of Fantasy Fiction and not to be construed as reality. If you read on you will experience magic, wizards, shape shifters and dragons.

Granted there is a different feel to the beginning. I intended that to be a contrast with what is to come so that one would understand the young prince and what his reactions become. He is not the original King Arthur but rather that illustrious legend provides a setting and background for the story.

If I could pursuade you to read on, I believe you will find the answers to your determinations and might revise your assumptions. I hope so. Whatever a writers intent, the perceptions of the reader from such writing is what matters.

Again, I think you kindly for taking the time to review A King in Time.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

This is my BHCG review with the only purpose to be useful after reading three chapters.

PLOT/PACING
I found the story flowed well and I did not get stuck at any point. I felt the introduction of characters in the first three chapters was very good, particularly with the third chapter indicating that connection between John and the Queen.
I did find confusing that John states he has not seen but one person for a week, and then we know there are plans to move him to supported lodgings. Do they really leave mental health patients with contact with only one person when they are preparing them for reinsertion?

CHARACTERS
I missed some more specific flavour into the characters. In regards to Arthur and the Queen, I felt too much was said about them as a general backstory as oppose to us being able to really appreciate their daily lives. For instance, in the first chapter we read that Arthur 'disliked the constant play of protocol and ceremony'. And references to that appear a couple of times in the chapter. I felt it would have been more insightful to really see how this protocol affects thier life. I do not know if I'm explaining myself clearly, and I apologise if I don't. What I'm trying to say is that, after reading the introduction to these characters, I don't feel I'm getting any insight as to what being royal might mean, and I think I should if the story is to have meaning and really attract me.
Likewise, I really liked the sentences from the old man in his meeting with Arthur in the first chapter, yet I was unable to really believe the whole encounter, I could not see Arthur's reactions as coming from a prince.

Point of view/Voice
I felt it needs a stronger voice. I don't know how to explain it except that I felt it bland. There are great themes at work here from a subject that has been written about and twisted already many times, so when picking a new Arthur novel it has to be clear from the beginning which new angle we ar being offered.
I have one question in regards to the year 2100. What does it add to the story? I did not feel it added anything. I think if a year is to be specified, then it should be used somehow. If not, then I think it would be better to not specify the date and leave up to the reader to play with it.

Sentence level
I found some commas were misplaced, but I am not always right with my grammar comments, so I think better not to say something that could actually be wrong.
In regards to sentences, I found them right. Nice mixture of short and longer, action and description.

Dialogue
I already mentioned the old man's words that I really liked. They brought flavour and a call upon a mistery. Good words.
I found good misture of prose and dialogue.

Originality
Refer to Voice

Publishability
I like Arthur and I like adventure. No editor experience so I wouldn't guess what an editor would say.
As an Arthur fan I would not complain about another book on the subject, but I'd like more work on it to make it more unique and not just another book on Arthur theme.

I hope this has been useful and, whatever it not, I hope you forget it soon.
Best of luck and lots of inspiration!!!

BHCG. Review. What an unusal plot. Two king Arthur's in different times.
I could only manage a couple of chapters. History's not my strong point?
The story is well told.
The character's are relatable.
You got my imagination going. (All mental patients, who profess to be an historical figure, have maybe moved through time!)
You have a good contrast between narration and dialogue.
As I'm Irish, I hope the troubles will not still be an issue in 2100. Why do you need to mention that anyway, it dosen't seem to fit well into the story.
The pace is slow, but still commanding. Though I much prefer a faster paced book.
All in all, this could shape up to be a very fine book.
I wish I had your imagination.
Best of luck.

A BHCG review

Please take my comments as constructive feedback.
Comments written as I read.

Picture: One of the best covers I have seen on this site
Title: Fitting
Tagline: Doesn’t scan well.
Description: Not sure about the “who live in these pages” line.
The final two sentences might work better as a tagline.


C1
Straight into the story. No messing. Well done.
I occasionally lost sight of who was the subject of a sentence or who was talking.
Some of the dialogue is a little exposition heavy e.g. “Since the early days…”
Have confidence in what you have already written, don’t reiterate or over explain, e.g. “as if acquainted…” The reader already gets that.
Watch your tenses e.g.”…the way others HAD found acceptable for centuries.”
I assume there has been a passage of time since the meeting at the stones? Arthur is to be crowned that day? Might need clarified.
The ‘Troubles’ are hopefully a thing of the past now, let alone 2100.

C2
Check your punctuation. Especially comma’s. e.g. “Now Margo, he did remember.” I don’t think you need the comma here.
“Alternatively, was it a water closet?” This made me re-read. Would ‘or’ instead of “Alternatively” work better?
Tenses are a real problem in this chapter.
“…grasp just exactly, what.” This needs a question mark.
The use of “the Bobbies” is odd, especially when John later questions what rugby is.

C3
Tenses again.
“..regale…” jarring, seems anachronistic.
The sudden shift into Arthur talking about the man in the stone ring felt like impatience on your part or a mood swing on behalf of the prince.
Apart from the neat revelation that the Queen knows about John and the introduction to her relationship with Arthur this chapter seems to lack a purpose.

Overall
Revisiting Arthurian legend is always going to be tricky, but a fresh angle can bring rewards. This did remind me a lot of a comic book I read called ‘Camelot3000’ but I think there’s enough divergence to work. It’s a brave choice to involve a line derived from the current royal family but not a drawback by any means.
If you can weed out the, at times, very formal dialogue, rogue comma’s and annoying tense issues then this should be a rewarding read. Pace is good, the level of mystery is involving and the characters, maybe a little perfect, are strong enough.
I would suggest caution however with cultural references. While it’s laudable that Arthur would have an interest in Ireland, he’s clearly out of touch with the reality that we live in today.


All the best

I love this. It is a brilliant idea beautifully put together. Your imagination soars, your writing flows with ease and your characters leap from the page.
.Arthurian lore will ever fascinate, and mixing periods in this way gives it a new, novel twist that just has to be published.
When A King In Time makes the major bookshops I will be first in line to buy it.

Anna Rossi (A Man Assured of Honour)

A BHCG Critique

Plot- Judging from the pitch the overall plot seems like a doozy. And from the chapters that I read it seems as though you move along at a nice pace, with all thought and action mapped out in advance.

Pacing- It seems to flow out a nice even keel. Events happen, but they aren't thrown at the reader suddenly or too rapidly.

Point of View- I like it... too often it seems that people use first person, so it was refreshing to get something different for a change.

Style- It felt to me that while there was nothing wrong with the information within the story, the sentences could be tightened up immensely to make it a more enjoyable reading experience. One thing I did notice is that you seem to use an excessive amount of commas (as does just about everyone else that I've read on this site). There were instance were the commas unnecessarily split the sentence up, which I found to be jarring after a short while of reading.

Overall I found this story not quite up my alley, but it is written well... it could just be sharpened a little bit more. I hope you found this critique helpful. Hope everything turns out well in the future with this piece for you!

Brad

Plot-
I have only read up to chapter 8, so in terms of plot I cannot say much. Even so, I'm already thoroughly intrigued with what's happening and I think you set a nice opening to lead into the mysterious occurs in the countryside. I am most intrigued by the John Doe, and I like that you make an early connection between him and the queen.

Pacing –
Pacing is pretty spot on, I really like that things are moving so quickly. One thing I'd change about your first few chapters, however, is chapter 6. This seems like one big example of telling instead of showing. We are told what's happening from John's perspective, without much detail on the things that are important. It's short enough that it doesn't try the reader's patience too thoroughly, but I feel that you could probably cut the whole thing out entirely. It would be better, in my opinion, to take the most vital details of that chapter and mention them in Elizabeth's perspective instead, perhaps at the point where she mentions John to Tony and Arthur.

Characters/Characterization-
Of all the characters I like John the most the Elizabeth the least. You present Elizabeth as being /too/ perfect, she is beautiful and flawless to the point of aggravation. Her smiles and her royal attitude come off to me as arrogant. Also, I can understand that she is a beautiful woman, but how old is she? If Arthur is her full grown son than she's probably got some wrinkles and she more likely than not has to dye gray streaks out of her hair. Arthur also falls into the category of being 'too perfect'. He's handsome and all the girls love him, and his mother is beautiful and all the men love her. Their lack of apparent character flaw, at this point in the book, does not garner much sympathy from the reader. Also, you probably want to be very /very/ careful about how you portray Elizabeth's relationship with her son. The fact that Arthur is reluctant to marry unless he finds a woman as good as his mother borders on creepy. Scenes where he places a hand on her small waist hold a touch of romance where there should be none. If Arthur grew up so enamored with his mother then I would imagine him to appear more spoiled and seem less independent. I would rather you show that Arthur adores his mother than say that he does. Elizabeth's constant acknowledgment of his loyalty and deep love for her are also somewhat unsettling. Whether or not you mean for their relationship to appear this way doesn't entirely matter, because I think you run a strong risk of having readers interpret it as such.

Point of View/Voice
Nothing's wrong here, I enjoy John's point of view the most but that's just a personal preference. I would just caution you about switching point of views so frequently in the same chapter. When you do this you tend to repeat details of scenes that have already been read from a different point of view and it can be distracting.

Style –
I like your style and I think you have some very strong prose in there! The details are very nice and inserted in the text in a way that doesn't drag on. Keep up the good work, you've definitely got a talent for imagery.

Sentence level –
Same as above, pretty perfecto!

Dialogue
Okay, the dialogue was something that really bugged me throughout. The speech of the royal family especially is very stilted and farrrr too formal in situations where they have no cause to be (ie, when they're alone with each other). I noticed that there was some passive tense that just makes the dialogue sound unnatural, one example is from ch. 8: ""These are questions that I mean to have an answer for." Again, not smooth and too formal. Given that you are 89 years in the future, I think the merit and use of formal speaking would be less relevant than it is today (given the present prominence of colloquial speech in our society today). I think you need to listen to throw in some colloquial English phrases to make them sound less robotic. This stiff sort of speech also makes them sound pretentious (which, obviously, they have a right to be), but because of this they are far less likeable for it. Read your dialogue out loud, try to make it sound natural and remember that they're not going to talk the same when they're making a speech to the whole country as they are over an intimate family breakfast.

Originality
So far so good, I'd have to read more to really get a feel for it but it looks like you've got a unique, interesting spin on the King Arthur story.

Overall, I think you've got a really good piece here. I'll probably read some more of it when I have the time. Something that I don't think I mentioned enough is that your plot, even the 8 chapters that I read, has fantastic pacing and really grabs the attention of the reader. The manuscript needs some polishing, but at the core of a book is a good story, and I think you've got that down.

Hi Mary,

A King in Time breathes new life into Arthurian literature. I like how you interweave the future and the past, connecting the timeline into a realistic story. Your writing is very clear, enabling the reader to follow the transitions from different locations and times without difficulty.

I'm a fan of alternate realities, so your adventure into "what if" surrounding King Arthur and the monarchy of the future is just the type of book I would purchase and read. Well done!

Many stars are headed your way and I will back your book as shelf space allows.

Good luck!

Deb

Thank you sincerely for your compliments, Samuel.

First let me say that this is indeed a work of Fantasy Fiction as you would see if you read on. Here be dragons, magic and other elements that cause this story to reside in that category. Secondly, the young Prince Arthur, from the year 2100, is not intended to be descended from King Arthur of the Fifth Century. Personally, I believe the High King, Arthur Pendragon, was probably either a Roman General or perhaps a feudal leader of men who wished to unite local lesser kings in order to suppress the invasion of the Saxons.

I further believe there is a grain of truth in all legends. I admire the honor with which King Arthur was said to reign over those who followed his lead. To me, honor is a most admirable quality.

In order to prevent giving you a spoiler of this story, I will say the answer as to the identity of the Prince Arthur I have created is indeed revealed in later chapters.

I would very much enjoy learning more of Excalibur. Any information you would share with me would be greatly appreciated

To me, the legend lives on and will continue to fulfill the legacy of the Once and Future King just as it has done all these centuries. As you are aware, there are many stories about this legend that have survived since those times. One would hope that our writing today should have such staying power.

There's massive potential to this concept and the prose is elegant, to say the least.

I have one observation though, just one, based on being a major Arthurian Legend buff myself.... The mythic Arthur is no relation to the English Royal Family; the Windsors are German, the line of the native English (e.g. Cetlic) kings died out with Caswollen ap Beli and the third invasion by Julius Caesar. So I'm curious whether we're talking a spiritual reincarnation of the Once & Future King, or a literal continuation of the bloodline.

If you're interested, I can trace the ownership of Excalibur from Caswollen all the way back to Lug Lamfada. But only if you're interested =)

There's massive potential to this concept and the prose is elegant, to say the least.

I have one observation though, just one, based on being a major Arthurian Legend buff myself.... The mythic Arthur is no relation to the English Royal Family; the Windsors are German, the line of the native English (e.g. Cetlic) kings died out with Caswollen ap Beli and the third invasion by Julius Caesar. So I'm curious whether we're talking a spiritual reincarnation of the Once & Future King, or a literal continuation of the bloodline.

If you're interested, I can trace the ownership of Excalibur from Caswollen all the way back to Lug Lamfada. But only if you're interested =)

Thank you Sarah. I do appreciate your comments. Just as a note, I usually take out all the unnecessary places where "had" shows up if it is not needed to make the sentence correct.

Prince Arthur's speech patterns are indeed archaic and rather formal. He speaks with the air of royalty and of his heritage, plus he would have been taught to show respect for the elderly. I feel it would be out of character for him to be flippant or too casual. That will become more understandable should you read further into the story. It is fiction and therefore I think as authors, we have a license to create a world, characters and a storyline that plays with reality. This is especially true in the Fantasy genre.

I read the first chapter of your book and it seems you are on to a good adventure for your main character. I think you have to be careful to make at least one of those teen aged girls into someone the reader can like and care about so as to want to know what happens to her. It's a fine line and sometimes characters in that age group are so self-involved they are a bit hard to relate to. It seems to me you have got a good handle on how to make that work.

Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

I've only read half of chapter 1 so far, but two things jumped out at me. Firstly: There was no explanation to what just happened. (The phrasing is just rather unfamiliar, and it pulled me out of the story. "There was no explanation for what had just happened" would work better in my opinion, but I guess it's a matter of preference.)

Secondly: "Come sit with me and take a short rest. The air grows damp and chill but I would like to speak with you further." (This dialogue just seems very archaic to me. I know he's a prince, but he's also a young man and this is set in the future so I'd have expected the royal family to be even more modernized than they are today. Having said that, for all I know people in the future might have returned to former ways of speaking.)

Anyway, look forward to continuing with this story! On my watch list for now. My book also has an Arthurian theme by the way.

S Carter

http://www.authonomy.com/books/34595/domus-inter/

I've only read half of chapter 1 so far, but two things jumped out at me. Firstly: There was no explanation to what just happened. (The phrasing is just rather unfamiliar, and it pulled me out of the story. "There was no explanation for what had just happened" would work better in my opinion, but I guess it's a matter of preference.)

Secondly: "Come sit with me and take a short rest. The air grows damp and chill but I would like to speak with you further." (This dialogue just seems very archaic to me. I know he's a prince, but he's also a young man and this is set in the future so I'd have expected the royal family to be even more modernized than they are today. Having said that, for all I know people in the future might have returned to former ways of speaking.)

Anyway, look forward to continuing with this story! On my watch list for now. My book also has an Arthurian theme by the way.

S Carter

http://www.authonomy.com/books/34595/domus-inter/

Oh Mary, I am hooked.
I must admit to being a follower of the legend that is Arthur, I have consumed countless books, poems, have visited sites, standing stones and listened to the songs.
Now I have begun this story too and despite its modern premise, or maybe because of it, I feel the legend within it come to life.

To write a story that can link past history with modern times with future possibilities is no mean feat and I feel you do this admirably.

I have read four chapters thus far and want to read on, am compelled to read on. This deserves to go far.

Yes, there are a few places, forgive me I forget where as the story drew me on and in, that the language does not quite flow as it should. Where words that should chase each other across the page seem stilted and unsure, but I know this will improve upon editing.

I really like this tale. Before I started it I wondered if there was room for yet another King Arthur story. When it is written as competently as this, the answer is a resounding yes!

Starred and waiting for a spot on my desk. I will return to comment further when I have read more.

Millie C
Crown of Thorns