Consequences Unforeseen

A very enjoyable read indeed. I loved all the things you wrote in the book! Excellent read, I can't wait to read more later on this week! Highly starred!
Thanks,
Scott
The Chimera Factor

Enjoyable read, full of colour and prose.
Dramatic and strong, pithy narrative, well-written dialogue.
The dialogue is very believable, just like the characters.
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done

Err...I didn't understand how someone could have 338 comments, 83 watchlists and only 7 backers. The 12 months submitted is why the large numbers, I guess.
So I had to read this. I'm a 'physical' reader, I see a movie when I read. This book is well-written, many questions open up at the beginning and entice the reader, this is all you need to get the ball rolling. However, I had a problem. I just couldn't get the 'physical' images out of my mind, and the further I went in, the more I found.
The 1st line started me off ..."He held his gaze steady...(it was a bit wobbly so he grabbed his 'gaze' between two silver spoons and tried to keep them from moving around too much...) You see? That's the problem I had...and it went on like that in my head, it was getting good, in a parody kinda way. I'm just crazy, I know, though I feel the 'physicality' could be manipulated in such a way. Attack them, change them.
Other than my craziness, I really liked what I read. :-)
DJC

A really good story. I've read a couple of chapters and admire your talent for good characterization.
All in all I can't really find fault with your writing.
It's an interesting story, from what I've read and I'm sure it will only get better.
Just one point I'll make. There is no need for quotation marks around thoughts. You only need these for direct speech.
All the best and good luck.

I read the first three chapters and I like the story you are telling. The love between Lynda and Bill is touching and deeply meaningful. The characters are well portrayed. I was suspicious but didn't know for sure it was Lynda's funeral until chapter 3. Perhaps that's how you meant it.
I wonder what really killed Lynda and how all these past events are going to effect Bill in the future chapters. Well done!
Honestly, this is a good read!
Good luck!
Highly starred and watchlisted for now...Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Consequences Unforeseen

Only my opinions of course so just take what you agree with. I’m no good at pitches.

Short pitch: I did have a problem here as soon as I read the long pitch – this short one focuses on a woman but then below it you start to talk about some male killer. Doesn’t make sense. The reader thinks: ‘which is it?’ Focus on the main story line.

Long pitch: same remarks apply but also, to be honest, I just wasn’t sure what the story was going to be about: a woman? A boy growing up? An assassin with a conscience? Why not name him? I think you need to re-jig this. Also I personally am not a fan of the blatant advert type lines, e.g.’transports him and you’.

C1: I found no howlers in this opening chapter. The flow and pace are good and easy enough to follow. So, he’s the killer with a heart.

C2: I’m very unsure about this verbal trick. The aim is not to fool or outrage the reader, which is what your first para here does, especially as you give her age first and trigger shock in the reader. I don’t think that’s what you want is it?
She tells him it’s the Germans but he still asks her ‘who? I think this needs re-reading.

OK a plausible opening, at least psychologically, as far as the motivations of Bill are concerned. I was left wondering though, you have set up a story here but then tell all this thriller type stuff only to leave the reader with no expectation of what’s to come. Maybe that needs some sort of clue leading on to the subsequent story.

It is hard to follow a story that jumps around in time but you seem to pull it off well.

I've read this book before, several months ago. Either it's improved, or I'd just forgotten. A very good book. Happy to reback.
Marj.

Very powerful writing with real emotional content. The first few chapters really drew me in. I found your characters brilliant, with real depth and I really felt their emotional drive. Bill is a very complex and interesting character and I am sure a lot more will be revealed about him through the story. I love the irony of an assassin who feels no emotion for killing having to deal with the emotion of a friends death. I really enjoyed what I read so far and think this will be a very exciting thriller with all the right emotions in all the right places.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Nicely written and well worth my backing. I hope to read more soon. Colin

The prologue is a good story setter and nicely provides a credible reason for the next chapter's flashback. The contrast between the implied black mournfulness of the funeral and the hot bright sun of the boat works nicely. There's some good dialogue here too.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

I found the opening and the second chapter evocative and very effective in bringing Bill into the minds of the readers. In the funeral scene I felt the clash of his hearbreak with his strength, and this dynamic did much to introduce me to Bill. He became human immediately, and this is vital for a reader. Your pacing is measured and unhurried, and this, too, is right for a book of this nature. Joe is also an exceptional character and he provides a different kind of stability to the story. The broken Lynda is also a touching character. I feel you've accomplished much in two chapters in that I feel I know these people in a deeper way than I know most characters in the beginning of a book. This makes me interested and I want to continue. This is promising work.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

I had time to read the first 3 chapters, and enjoyed the story. Bill is a particularly strong character. By giving his background, with Lynda's attack and his close connection to her, you have developed his character nicely. And what he did to the Germans, which was justified, gives the reader an understanding on how he fell into becoming an assassin.

The start with the funeral works well. It's good that you didn't mention any names in the first chapter (other than Bill's), not giving away who had died. If you did it may have affected my opinion on Lynda, because before the attack she was a vibrant character, full of life. It was clever introducing the Germans in the beach scene, because so often an author will just do something out of the blue, not giving any background to things. When they do this it ruins the plot, but your plot is strong.

Your dialogue was also strong. Joe's dialogue was the best--very authentic. I liked this especially: "yer arse is too close to the ground." Joe's reasoning as to why Bill wouldn't be good at soccer.

A strong start. Best wishes, Marita.

This is highly evocative writing, bringing ancient and modern together in a way that to me represents a significant challenge met and mastered. Shelved without hesitation.

Bill

Hi Doug, I like the somber tone you set the stage with. It's both introspective and foreshadowing. You've drawn an intriguing character with Bil Douglas. You've certainly established him as a multi -dimensional dude! Shelved and I look forward to reading more. Early on, one sentence jumped out at me and was rather clunky...."Over the years he had lost many people to death..." Maybe you could just say, Over the years he has lost many friends, or something like that. Either way, well done! JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Dear Doug Brownlie,

What I learned while reading your book has much to do with how you focus in on details of not just objects but also of ideas. I think that your ability to concentrate in your head will take you very far; and with your thoughts well-secure and pleasant, perhaps that kind of lively isolation is just right for what you seek by writing your tale. Thanks for sharing it with us to dig up.

Have a Nice Evening,

Billy McBride

'Only his eyes betrayed his grief'. this line is lovely. So often we have an outwardly calm appearance, but the eyes never lie. Good contrast between his seemingly brutal and carefree character (as suggested by his job) and the vulnerability and pain exposed by his own reflection. Just one thing, I THINK 'Gods' should be 'gods' as I THINK only the one God is given a capital G.
Best wishes
Karen

Thanks Hannah,

Some 68% of people who have purchased the book - at www.100yearsoldier.com are female, and the age range is wuite diverse as well.

Never intended it to be a boys book - simply a story about reality in thelife of and development and training of an assassin

Yhanks for the backing and support, much appreciated.

.

Doug, as I already stated emotional writing, good characterization and interesting plot. I have some difficulties understanding the time line and I think you could do with a bit more description of setting than only the start of the chapters hinting at place and time. It's really a boy's book I think. I would not use both the first and last name of the MC after the reader knows who he is, but that is a choice you perhaps made deliberately. Some chapters are really short and some a lot longer. Also deliberately? Well done and I wish you good luck with Consequences Unseen. Starred (already) and on my shelf soon. Hannah

Doug, as I already stated emotional writing, good characterization and interesting plot. I have some difficulties understanding the time line and I think you could do with a bit more description of setting than only the start of the chapters hinting at place and time. It's really a boy's book I think. I would not use both the first and last name of the MC after the reader knows who he is, but that is a choice you perhaps made deliberately. Some chapters are really short and some a lot longer. Also deliberately? Well done and I wish you good luck with Consequences Unseen. Starred (already) and on my shelf soon. Hannah

For any one else reading this, I thoughtt it worth pointing out that font size is 100% variable at the start of each chapter, There is a sliding bar which allows for the setting of font size to suit all eye types. :-)

Douglas, very emotional writing. I'd love to read more put this font is really too small for my old eyes. Can you upload it in a bigger version? Starred already and will back when place on shelf. Hannah

Douglas, very emotional writing. I'd love to read more put this font is really too small for my old eyes. Can you upload it in a bigger version? Starred already and will back when place on shelf. Hannah

CONSEQUENCES UNFORESEEN
I liked the introduction. To the point and told us a lot about the story.
You give us good characterisations, especially in the first few chapters where you show good human relationships.
there is an unique approach with the killing (I like assassins!) and your narration draws us further into the story - a great hook. This definately made me want to continue reading.
Doug, this is excellent. I feel sure I have read parts of this before but I'm not convinced I ever made a comment. You have all the fine things thst make up an good book; excellent characters, descriptions, narration and the ability to hold an audience. Well done. You're on my WL and I've awarded high stars.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. The main character shines and has depth. The narrative is insightful. The setting could be better described. The pacing is good.

Specific comments on chapter 1:
1) Based on the all important first two paragraphs, I'm not sure where Bill is as the scene opens. Is he in a bathroom looking in a mirror? His bathroom? A gas station bathroom? Is he in a car, and the eyes he sees are in his imagination? It's critical to set each scene before the action/narrative starts. It grounds the reader and puts them into the scene. Also, again based on the first two paragraphs, whose eyes are they? His? Hers? Her father's?
2) ' ... and sent many more to meet their Gods' hooked me.
3) Describing eyes as 'pools of obsidian' is cliche. Can you think of a fresh way to say the same thing?
4) 'It slowly transformed into the face of his 15 year old self.' Spell out all numbers 1-99.
5) 'Been to Hell and back' is cliche.
6) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. Thank you for backing "Savannah Passion." I hope "Savannah Passion" will remain on your shelf until it reaches the editor's desk.

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Read and starred. I've also written elsewhere about how dreadful impulses seed and grow so of course I enjoyed this (even if your shelf suggests you won't enjoy my book). A good read, well done. Lara
Good for Him

Okay, Doug, I've read the first two and the last chapters of 'Consequences' and really enjoyed them. To be honest, being a woman, the first two far more - because of the human relationships. You write in an honest, fluid style which is indeed very 'moreish' and the MS is for the most part clean and free of typos - always a good sign. The typeface was a little hard to read - try Ariel or Times Roman 12? - and you could do well to take out ALL exclamation marks from the last chapter (distracting). Otherwise, very promising indeed. Why is this literate, absorbing story not MUCH higher up the rankings? Will we ever know...

Andi Rinke
Ginger the Gangster Cat

You are totally fantastic, Doug! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) I'm ****** 'ing your book & re-backing it because of the new authonomy system :) - could you please ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom my heart. :)

Doug,
I have read two chapters,and plan to read more. Your intriguing pitch led me to your book. You write very well indeed. Your story is extremely compelling and you plant hooks at intervals which draws in the reader. Normally, I wouldn't agree with any kind of killing, but it isn't that. It is how you write it that matters. And it certainly isn't a gratuitous murder. Anyway I will read on.

Well done. I will back it. I will put it on my watchlist to start and put it on my shelf as soon as I can ... due to the new system.

I would be grateful if you take a look at God of the Cocoa and let me know what you think.

Best wishes
Marilyn

This is an interesting story, told under an original POV, with the emotions of a killer and what drives him. Somewhere, I am not sure that killing achieves anything to soothe what happened to Lynda, or any kind of grief, but the book's unique approach definitely makes it worth backing. I liked of course the location, and the boat. Please be careful of spelling French names correctly: Cote d'Azur (lose the 'e'), Ste.Marguerite (only one t) and St.Honorat (no 'e' at the end). But these are just details in an otherwise compelling story.

Yes, the Black Douglas - a name to conjure with and one from my time living in Ayrshire, I am familiar. very evocative to begin with a glimpse of the personality of a killer. Quite as effective and chilling as a shocking incident would be. Thanks for drawing my attention to your work Backed Anna

I've added your novel to my watchlist and plan to read very shortly. All the best.

Very intriguing opening. At first, I saw him staring into the face of another, so some of the writing felt like a change of POV since he wouldn't see the tears in his eyes. The reveal of the mirror later in the chapter was a nice "aha" moment. I particularly liked the way you set up his grandmother, and her words to him. Very powerful. Great way to set up his family legacy of assassins without "telling" the reader about it. Nice job of keeping the reader a bit off kilter, planting plenty of questions, and leading us to the fifteen year old boy... I imagine we will now learn about the girl and his fifteen year old self. I'm intrigued. Thanks for seeking me out.

okay, sorry for the last comment. :P

I read more and I really enjoyed it. Overall I think you're gonna get a star!

:-)

You should have read the short pitch. It tells you exactly what to expect - lol That's what short pitches are for :-)

read the next two chapters and all will become even clearer.

I've only read your first chapter. I must say I was expecting the "thriller" part to start the book, but understand that maybe the writer wanted to do some character work on the MC first. So saying, I do think it a little unusual to start a thriller so quietly. Perhaps this is the writer's aim - to build up the tension and work to a climactic ending.

Best of luck with your work. Q

I've only read your first chapter. I must say I was expecting the "thriller" part to start the book, but understand that maybe the writer wanted to do some character work on the MC first. So saying, I do think it a little unusual to start a thriller so quietly. Perhaps this is the writer's aim - to build up the tension and work to a climactic ending.

Best of luck with your work. Q

This story shows the origins of an assassin and to see that killers also have a heart and need someone to love - until that love is taken away, then they really do become killers, or destroy themselves in the process.
Good writing. Backed.
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

What a powerful read! I was drawn in from the very second I started reading and I couldn't stop. Your characters are well written and my heart went out to both Lynda, after the rape, and Bill because he was clearly emotionally hurt by her pain!
Your descriptive tone is beautiful and your pace really pulls the reader along, drawing them into the pages of the book. You have so much talent and I can see you going very far. Best of luck.
Roxanne

Short and a thriller.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Consequenses Unforeseen.
Doug.
It is very easy to read chapter after chapter of your book as the style and pace is seductive. I enjoy books which start with a character 'looking back'. By ch.3 you have already covered several years of their developing relationship, but have still been able to carry the reader along with the growing characterisations of them, which from experience I know that several big proffesionals fail to do well.
One nitpic; [which must have been pointed out already],............
In ch.2 unless I have mis-read it, you appear to have missed out the object of the sentence; ''Over the early weeks noticed ......'' , should it be something like ''Over the early weeks [he] noticed .....'' ?
Any way. I thoroughly enjoyed it. BACKED.

Jerry [paperbat]

From an intriguing beginning to a full-of-bliss second chapter that ends in violent crime... riveting! Of course I'm backing this page-turner!

Dramatic and engaging. Well written.

One thing I wasn't sure about - in chapter 2 you say "... he was a huge Celtic supporter. He too seldom missed one of the boys' games..."

I assume you mean the boys - Bill and Jim - but as Celtic are nicknamed the BHOYS this read rather more awkwardly to me than it may have done to a non-footie fan!

Backed!

Robin

Dear Doug

Ive read three chapters and have greatly enjoyed them. Bit spooky that we both end our first chapters in such different 'genres' with so similar a scene ( my chapter 3 is my first chapter). Somebody has already pointed out the shatter/shattering and emotional/ emotional repetition in your pitch. I am repeating the concern. This is important and you have to change it. The bob dylan and black douglas references are great and your writing is convincing and clever. Loved the cheeky start to chapter 2.but in some of your writing you use too many adjectives. I didnt like relatively freezing/unblinking and confident/surprised,perplexed and somewhat angered/deathdealing, assassin. A lot of your writing is very arresting, with emotional impact. In the examples I have given ' less is more'. I would cut back on the adjectives. An intriguing book. These are my initial thoughts only. Happy to back you and wish you well.

regards

Brian

This has a classical novel feel to it - like the language was very carefully planned out, with lots of attention to detail. There's a good rhythm to the read because of this, but the contractions seem out of place as a result, and I think it would even better without them. Nice work!

Hi Doug, your pitch is right when you say this is a thriller with emotion.
It certainly is and will be suited to many readers.
It has a good voice to it and nice characters all the things that make for a good read.
I like good description myself and your book is not short of that either.
Great stuff and I certainly back it. SHELVED.

Thanks for backing my 1st book. Would be very pleased if you would take a look at my 2nd book which follows on. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - COSMOS 501.

kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

I came back and read up to the sixth chapter. At first I thought that you'd skipped the middle and posted the end when I read chapter three. That chapter is written beauitfully and would be a perfect ending! I read on and I'm a little lost. I mean I really have no idea where this is going, which I think is a good thing. I'm intrigued and I want to read more when I get the chance. Is the manuscript complete? I don't want to hit a block.

Lacey

I remember this now! I read it some time ago and backed it then. After reading it again, I figured a second backing couldn't hurt, so consider it backed :)

A rollicking good read. Well paced and, I think, perfect for your intended audience. Happily backed
Mal

very prmising, and you certainly know how to describe emotions. I like the reference to the Black Douglas. This is good and I'm happy to back it.

hi, thanks for backing my book. Your book sounds really good and intersting - and after reading the synopsis, i had to start reading it. i must say the first chapter is very good and i shall have to read the rest when i get a chance.
thanks again, abi

Dear Doug --

Thank you for bringing us over to read Consequences Unforeseen (we like the title by the way -- it stuck with us). Your first chapter starts off a bit slow and felt a little bit self-conscious, but the pace and narrative pick up in chapter two and move along nicely. Bill Douglas is an interesting fellow, able to cry at the funeral but able to summon the courage to kill as well -- we love a multi-faceted man! :) Our suggestion at this point: consider folding the opening chapter into chapter 2 and trimming some lines, such as "It was but a fleeting thought" that felt a little overwritten. You do an excellent job of holding our attention however-- this man is singing at a funeral and we want to know why and for whom -- and once the story starts to move, it continues to entertain and keep us guessing. Backed with pleasure. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hey - I'm just pleased to have provided some laughter along the way.....:)