MetalMagic: Talisman

Derek, your prologue and first chapter read well. Good mix of narrative and true-to-life dialogue.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I like the world you have painted for us Derek. The prologue was great and your descriptions first class. The first line was an eye-catcher...made me sit up and tyake notice, and you didn't disappoint after that. Very enjoyable. Backed with pleasure.

George Fripley
(Wurzel of Clutton)

Derek

Brilliant.......

I think sometimes the word 'seemed' gives a passive voice to what you mean to say, eg...:-

her emerald eyes seemed to bore at Ravien......her emerald eye bore at Ravien
Ordren seemed tense.....Ordren was tense.......
It seemed to build with each passing step......It did build with each passing step.....

You may not agree, but I thought I'd share........Cant find anything wrong to point out, so not much of a comment to leave......Your writing is very descriptive and pictorial......I need that when reading fantasy because I have an analytical mind which needs to be led by the writer into the centre of the plot...

Best wishes, and good luck with this...

Shelved....

Derek

Brilliant.......

I think sometimes the word 'seemed' gives a passive voice to what you mean to say, eg...:-

her emerald eyes seemed to bore at Ravien......her emerald eye bore at Ravien
Ordren seemed tense.....Ordren was tense.......
It seemed to build with each passing step......It did build with each passing step.....

You may not agree, but I thought I'd share........Cant find anything wrong to point out, so not much of a comment to leave......Your writing is very descriptive and pictorial......I need that when reading fantasy because I have an analytical mind which needs to be led by the writer into the centre of the plot...

Best wishes, and good luck with this...

Shelved....

Magic metal sounds cool, but I think Jaren's power sounds more awesome. Who will teach him, though, before it's too late. The dream whisperings were leading him to is, but would he gain the knowledge in time? This is a good blending of magic and otherworldliness with the average life of teenagers. I like the bantering between Jaren, Morgaine, and his friend Iselle. I want to read more when I get a little time. For now, you are shelved with pleasure. Good luck with this.

Read alot of books on this site so far, or at least parts of them, and this one easly has one of the best flows. Its just a plesure to read. I read some sentencaes out loud and they sounded like some bearded dude with a pipe wrote them in some ancient tome lol, a fantastic story with belivable coversations to boot.

Hi - this is not my usual kind of read but I know good writing when I see it, so Backed! Best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

METAL MAGIC: I stumbled across this and your pitch caught my interest, and so here I am! YA is not usually my genre of choice, but I can say with certainty that this is the sort of fiction I would have loved, back when I was in my teens. Engaging characters, intriguing magic, good pacing, natural-sounding dialogue, and a mysterious villainess - it's all here. I can find no fault with your writing or your imagination, and the unfolding of events in your story pulls me along at a fine, spanking pace.

Thus, I've only a couple quibbles, if I may share them. One, I do think your prologue could use a good pruning. Compared to the rest of your writing, it feels far too ponderous. Too many adjectives, too much description. You do such a splendid job with the decimation of the palace, I know you can write with punch. So, take this for what it's worth, but I did think the prologue felt somewhat overdone. :-)

Also, while the names of your characters are all realistic and easy to keep separated, I found myself wondering if they all belonged to the same "nationality." Jaren, Morgaine, Aldrain and Ordren all feel as if they "belong" to the same nation. Yet names like Mr. Asahm and Andraste have an Asian feel. Meanwhile Jens Haldannon and Sonja feel Nordic, and Pacek sounds Slavic. If your country is meant to be multi-cultural, perhaps you'd consider dropping hints that the various characters are of other ethnic origins?

Those are but minor nits, however, and of course you are free to take or leave my remarks. :-) I think this is a marvelously engaging story people with sympathetic and believable characters. Your writing is polished and professional, and while I'd recommend this to teenaged Fantasy buffs in a heartbeat, I've enjoyed it as an adult, too. Backed, and I wish you the very best of luck. :)
Cheers ~

G. M. Atwater
Nobody's Knight

Excellent cover and this is a well-written fantasy novel geared toward the YA audience, though from what I've read, my opinion is that it will capture the attention of adults and middle-graders as well. What a popular genre to be writing for, and fantasy is always a winner. This is so picturesque that I can see it doing well as a film also, an enticing prospect for further down the line.

Your pitch is well written - it introduces Jaren (the main character) and his desire to find his magic within the mystical metanduil. Couple of suggestions... I don't believe "magic-metal" needs the hypen, rather it should be two separate words. Also, I would recommend you putting a double space in your long paragraph, sectioning the pitch into two paragraphs at "The journey thrusts..."

The prologue does an effective job of giving the historical setup, detailing the magic of metanduil and the power it wields. I have to say though, I didn't feel the story really took off until I got into chapter one and met Jaren. That is where you are going to hook your readers. Jaren is a typical young boy with curiosity and the desire to be more than he is, to have the power of magic. He's jealous of his sister, Morgaine, who possesses this power, and the kids who read this will sympathize with his longing to become special too.

I didn't see any typos, but I did find some areas where spacing was an issue - either there were too many spaces between words, or not enough in between sentences. It may be an upload issue, and if so, disregard. If it's not, you may want to edit for spacing. Overall, I can see a great deal of potential here. You're obviously a skilled story teller, and this is just the kind of novel the YA audience is seeking out at this time. Backed with pleasure.
Jared
Mummy's Boy

Hi,

I have backed you book because I found it eminently readable
and have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

What a pitch!!! What a story!!! This whole body of work is solid, entertaining, and suspenseful.

Happily backed!
Joyce

Cracking pace and very well written - lovely piece.

Backed

Kev

The pitch for this book drew me in, with its promise of magic and excitement. Your writing held me and kept me reading. You have created an enchanting world, and your characters are vivid and interesting. Your style for the opening scene is poetic, suited to fantasy, a pleasure to read. Then you move from the mythical to the real, and you produce instead a style suited to normal people, with straightforward sentence structure, excellent, natural dialogue, and fast moving narrative. The Prince who goes hunting deer with bow and arrows, the huge bodyguard, the brother who offers to carry out jobs on the farm in order to gain privacy and search for his sister's talisman; all these transport us to another world than our modern technological desert. They are part of the magical world you have created for our enjoyment. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Derek,

I knew from the moment I read the title, "MetalMagic" that this was going to be something fresh. I was not disappointed. (No nits beyond thouse already mentioned.) You are on my shelf.
If you get a chance would yo mind checking out my book, "The Wild, Wild Quest"? Much appreciated.

Best of luck,
J. A. Johnson
(The Wild, Wild Quest)
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=13246

Great start. Keep it up. Would love to read more.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Read and picked this over on Inkpop, welcome to Authonomy. I'm happy to back this here too.
Good luck.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Derek,

MetalMage: Talisman - Given the prologue, there is magic buried in a deep vulcano and we don't know yet how this all hangs toghether. I like the way the relationships are established, between Jaren asnd Isell, Jaren and Morgaine, Aldrain and Orden who watch a whole palace disappear, which leaves a mystery. And now the summoners are drawn to find the one they seek, and Morgaine and Jaren have to face a jealous group of youths, you leave the reader hanging. Cheeky. Well you can guess, having walked along with your characters, your story works. Backed with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirror)

This is my kind of book (as you would discover if you took a look!) but where I have crystal as the medium you have metal. You establish your characters quickly and the wonder of the magic. There is threat too, very important. Do read this aloud, that way the flow will show. Trim for any extra adjectives etc that add little to the story. Be aware of overdoing speech tags eg a thunderous voice would boom, do you need both? Just a few thoughts, Jim D Serpent's Blood

Derek,

Like you, I've been writing for ten years. Your novel is a solid, well-written work, and I'm happy to back it.

Rodney

I'll back your book. I went looking in our genre for a fantasy writer and there you were. I love that this story is about magic. It's a many-faceted subject and you have made it seem real. The prologue was excellent and so exciting. Great action and suspense. I almost wanted you to go on with that and give me more of a backstory about what happened before that dramatic ending.

I read your blog and some of your musings on the state of things in today's world. Mores the reason for us, as writers of fantasy, to pursue the worlds where magic abounds.

I will continue to read the other chapters you have laid out here. In return, I hope you will take a look at my book, "A King in Time". I am sure you might enjoy it since it has a healthy dose of magic running through it.

Best of luck with MetalMagic.

Mary Enck

You have certainly set the stage for an intriguing YA fantasy novel. The prologue draws the reader in with its building up to the explosion. Then, chapter one, introduces Jaren and the magic-metal with the teaser that Morgaine could cause trouble for him. Excellent. Smooth. Polished. Backed. (And welcome to Authonomy).

HJ
The Pearl Edda