Daughter of Ellah

William, this was a good read but I think it could still do with a little work. Some of the opening description seemed a little lacklustre and I think it could do with being a bit more visual. Their was also the repetition of 'air' in around the same area.
It's a great storyline though, and I'll keep an eye on it.

Dagura
'Rising Seas'

William,

This is powerfu, it drops us to suspenseful treat, I'm a sci-fi/thriller fan, and I do appreciate a good read like this. Your descriptive pace is quite interesting and worthy of note. A good piece, wish you the best.

In ch 1 we see the fall into the rubble from Foley's POV, in ch 2 from Ellah's. The sense of panic and danger is excellently evoked along with the closeness between them. Neither can communicate in the other's language yet both in the different chapters seem ready to sacrifice themselves for the other.
It's beautifully written, with mystery and other-worldiness, yet the 'human' feeling, or at least emotion we understand runs strongly throughout. Backed. lynn

Hi William, The situation in the rubble makes it clear that these two have strange qualities to each other. Well-described and Foley’s inability to speak arouses the interest. The synopsis caught me with the outer space arrangements while this collision bodes of a challenging encounter. Good rendering of character and scenario. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I am not a great Sci-Fi fan but you have started this in such an earthly way that I will be happy to read on and accept the revelations to come. Very well done, I will read more as time permits. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Well i am a big scifi fan and i just love this. the idea is simple but brilliant and explores the theme that all things in the universe are connected on levels we just aren't aware of. The whole idea of the interconnected species and fish out of water mixed with ordinary people thrown into something they had never imagined possible is excellent. All round cracking story.

I'm not a big science fiction fan but this is very well written and I can see it doing well commercially. You hooked me in right away - I love your storytelling. I only wish I could master 'show don't tell' so well!

Backed!

Karen
The Kid: A True Story of Cocaine, Corruption, Deceit and Betrayal

Wonderful imagination, yes there are some places to clean up and polish but overall an entertaining read.
Nice to see you back in the green.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

He could tell from the drag marks on the floor and blood on the floor that his friend was injured.--- I think this was a little wordy, if not obvious.
She gasped at the sight of it, but did not recoil from the sight of his hurt.--again, a little unnecessary.

The paragraph that starts with--"his eyes fluttered open" was really well done. That little scene of intimacy jumped out at me.

I think you have an interesting setup here--aliens being pursued by other aliens, being stranded on earth, covert govt. forces knowing this and subsequently investigating, and the pursed alien in the hands of a earth man... all the while forces from earth and alien converging on the fugitives.

It'll be interesting to see where you go with it.

Chp4.

You'll need to go over this again as there were some sentences that were confusing. "It" referring to the symbiote or parasite was a little confusing as well. Probably just me.
The bions are cool!
"The skin he possessed...." check this sentence.
About two to three times (faster)
If you feel you're lives are in danger...

You're going to have to do more weeding on this one.
Going to chp 5 now. Feels like some action is going to cut loose.

Daughter of Ellah
William Watson

Delightful exercise in science fiction. Very inventive plot. The cave-in scene was excellent and your characterisation skills are good. Well written and happy to have backed this. Best wishes in finding a publisher.

Chp3
When I read the part about him seeing things once and remembering them, I instantly thought of "The Taskmaster" (I think that was his name) and his power of photogenic reflexes (I think that's what they called it). Regardless ,it's a very cool concept.

When Foley chose to move--I think you might have to rewrite that. It was a little disconcerting.

You're going to have to go over this again. I saw a few weeds in here that need pulling.
"It's visor" for example. It frustrating I know. I still get them, even after what I thought was a massive editing.

Did you see my post on editing? In the thread you started? You might want to consider that...
He grabbed a wire--you mean cable? For some reason--this is just me--I was thinking of copper wire, and the image of an incident in university where this drunk guy yanked on a length fine telephone wire with his bare hand--the wire sliced through the meat of his hand to the bone.

I thought your action sequences were a little slow. I'm wondering if there's any way to shorten this. This is where individual style comes into play, and taking into consideration the ability of Foley, I'm wondering if this is the best way. I always have this problem with fights. A lot of authors get right into minute detail about feelings, thoughts,or intentions right in the thick of things while a lot of stuff is going on around them. So much so it bogs the action down as if drenched in molasses. In a real fight, how often does it really happen? Of course, this is an argument I make for reality vs. fiction (and entertainment) because I feel reality is boring. I like the cinematic action sequences that "kinda" could be realistic or they are almost realistic.
Ever read SM Sterling? He did the series "Island in the Sea of Time" and I enjoyed it a lot. His action sequences were borderline awful tho. I remember in one sequence, it was obvious that he studied some form of martial art and he wanted to impart this through his character in a sword fight.She knew how to fight and he wanted to describe it. Fine. But he went through ALL the emotions, the why she did the cut this way instead of that way, the angle, the breathing, the shifting of the feet, the posture, the focusing of energy, to the point where the buildup was lost on me and all I wanted was for the character to just MAKE the cut already. And that an editor LET him do it was something to this day makes me go...."that was a shit call!"

I felt this was borderline. Not quite there. But again, with Foley's ability, he could break down a second so that he could experience and describe exactly what was going on. Again, I'm just one voice--and I thought "Lord of the RIngs" could have been 500 pages shorter.

And your thoughts, I noticed are in italics and in quotations. I think I would drop the italics. Again, just a suggestion. And the numbers were in here again. Spell them out--especially at the beginning of a sentence.

I have to go now, but I'll return later with chp4.

Keith

very grave danger. I don't think you need "very" in there. Grave is as bad as it gets.
When I read her moving around and pulling on beams I immediately thought Foley thinking of something like..."Not THAT one bitch!!" (...that's what I would think anyway :)
6 inches--I think there's a rule about numbers and spelling them out if they are under a hundred? Over that and it's ok to write otherwise. (Or is it a thousand...?)
Ahema means everything--Should it be "meant" everything?
You need to edit this a little more--I've stopped looking and trying to type the exact examples because I lose my place in the narrative and it was getting annoying. But in the end there you switch up your tenses when describing the Pazha Maha.

She was going to fold space to his place of safety in his mind. Maybe "the place of safety in his mind"

And she mated/joined with this guy? Did I miss something? Just like that? No choice in the matter? Under a done of rubble and "you're the one for me!" Wow. Will all will be revealed in the next chapter ...

For the most part, I think this is well written.
On to 3.

CHP1.
Some broken pieces of furniture, and wiring,--do you need that first comma?
Atlas was a titan? Not a god?
Other than that, your opening was fine. There wasn't much in the way of character physical description, except for her fine features, smelling of lilacs (that was good by the way, how he was distracted) but I suspect it was because it's dark, and they are under rubble. Good description of being under a dome there.

Think the book cover is great and then I got into the book and it’s fantastic!
For me some science fiction can be a little too much out of this world – NOT THIS!! This feels very grounded, realistic and very, very engaging because of its pace. I have really enjoyed this – Good luck

I like how you open with action and danger. And it's a good mystery where I'm wondering why the alien wants to save Foley in one place, but she tried to hurt him when they first met. This would be a great graphic novel.

Don’t lead a sentence with a numeral. Spell the number out. And small numbers (four stories) should be spelled out.

When Foley gets into the duel with the alien in chapter 3, I feel that he should show more internal fear. Since he normally has no risk during a battle, knowing that he is vulnerable and could get really hurt should be cause for some worried thoughts. I could also use some thoughts about what Renata means to him. Why would it upset him if she dies? Saying that he “felt fear” isn’t enough description. What was he thinking? What would he miss about life?

Also remember during the fight to describe the physical pain he's feeling. You do a great job of this in the opening chapter. Saying a blow landed doesn't mean anything unless the character "sells" it.

Capitalize: “(T)hey had no choice but to move to the left…”

Capitalize: “(H)e needed a higher wire…”

This is good stuff. It's the kind of scifi story that's fun. I'll back it.

Brian

Wow, your cover really caught my eye and I just had to take a look! The pitch was intriguing - it could be refined to be a little more precise perhaps, but I had the same problem fitting everything I wanted to say in my pitch! (it's difficult to be concise, one of my major flaws!) This is not usually my taste in literature, but I found it interesting. Some rough patches in your writing but nothing en edit wouldn't fix! I love that you started out with action, that is always a sure way to draw the reader in. Awesome job! Backed for potential :)

Ithica, Daughter of Ellah, escapes capture by teleporting to Earth where she meets a man of destiny.

The Daughtes of Ellah are the living conduits to the vast ancient knowledge of the member worlds of the Vaelor. To ensure peace and stability throughout the galaxy, the Daughters are mated with the sons of the member worlds bound to the protection and expansion of Ellah. All members share in the archived wisdom.

The ancient enemies of the Vaelor return determined to destroy Ellah. Ithica, Daughter of Ellah, escapes capture by teleporting to Earth. She ends up in the arms of Foley Street Weston, a man of singular talents and special destiny.

Bound together by the fail-safe in her genetic code, Ithica and Weston must unravel the mystery of their meeting before Earth and Ellah are destroyed in the galactic conflict.

This is a suggestion. Keep it simple. Name the ancient enemy. Don't hint at secrets. State your premise and main characters boldly. This is your first contact with publishers and agents.

Unique, engaging, gripping! I was already a fan after reading your pitch. One point, there are some places where you may need to punctuate your dialogues. Otherwise this is a story that could well be a hollywood blockbuster one day. Imaginiative fiction with a touch of reality. All the best with this. Shelved.
- Milan
(Flicker)

I love realistic science fiction/thrillers, and this has got to be one of the best I've read for an age. It was gripping, fast-paced and interesting right from the start. You make great use of descriptions and dialogue, and it makes for a stunning read. I second the previous comment about punctuating the dialogue, but that technical glitch aside, this is very promising.

Backed with pleasure!
Abixxx

This is excellent. You drop us right into a suspenseful situation and carry through with it. A suggestion to polish this up is to look at dialogue punctuation/capitlization. Hopefully this link will help:

http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14

Backed.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

There's real tension in this start and both your characters are well portrayed (I'll take note!) I also really like the 'seven minutes earlier' idea, immediately making our ears prick up at what will follow. I'd have a look at how many paragraphs start with He or She in these first 3 chapters, and maybe reword some for variety. Anyway, good stuff, Will.

a great sci-fi story, sure to do well...
su dan ..read SEASONS...

This is not my usual thing, but with this, I have made an acception. What a great peice of writing you have done here.

Backed with great pleasure

Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

Read chapter 1 to 3, then 37 to end. I don't say this very often but, I would buy this. The cover is great, the pitch intriguing and then it's straight into the story. You quickly establish your characters and the space sections are very convincing. Prose is well written and accessible, dialogue appropriate. Perhaps the closest I can compare is with Joan D Vinge and I love her books. Excellent. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

This is a very fluid, accessible piece of prose that literally brims with imagination. There is also an epic quality that I thoroughly appreciated. It would make a great film. This is just perfect for your target audience.
Congratulations and backed with pleasure
Carl
The Time hunters

This is an imaginative story. You've obviously put a lot of thought into creating this fantasy world because you know it so well down to fine details. On top of that, you've added good characters. Both Ithica and Foley are likable; the kind of character a reader wants to follow to see how all of this plays out. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

William, your first chapter was strong enough to push me into the second. This is a smooth, entertaining read.

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

An interesting blend of genres here, with some interesting plot details concerning genes.
I read the first couple of chapters and found it readable and sufficently intrigueing to make me want to go on.
Backed

William, I like the effective cover and a line from your pitch, ' Bound together by ancient failsafes in her genetic code' was intriguing enough on its own to persuade me to read your book. A blend of Romance and SF has so much promise and as a writer in a different genre I'm in awe of your imagination and ability to keep a plot such as this in your head as you write.
Looking at this as a reader and not an Editor, I found it easy to read, very involving from the start and I'd happily read more. I can see areas where you could tighten up the narrative, but I see you've already carried out an edit and obviously have the capacity to develop the book further. I'm pleased to back this.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy

Hi Will, I've read two chapters and have enjoyed it, although Scifi iand romance aren't my chosen genres.
You have a good style, setting the tension (literally) in the opening chapter with the collapsing beam.
Here, I think you may have meant to write
'gasping for relief from', rather than 'gasping from relief'

You describe the rubble as mated. Do you mean matted? Can rubble be mated or matted?
I'm not sure if you need the sentence
'It was a spacesuit, that was obvious', as you indicate he knows it is a spacesuit in the previous sentence.
A reasonable hook at the end of the chapter but we are left unsure as to why he has stumbled forward -- did the beam hold or collapse. Or some other reason?

In chapter two we start to get to some of the background nitty-gritty.
The paragraph beginning Para - duaghter of Ellah is very repetative --'daughter or daughters' (6), Ellah (5), Vaelor (3)

6 inches --six inches

I had to stop there, but I hope this is a little useful to you. BACKED!
Best wishes and good luck , Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

In chapter

Good opening and very fast paced book. Good characters in Foley and ithica. Quite a tense read. backed with pleasure
Hatts

Dear William, I love your intrigue, making me wonder what's going to happen next. It would be an easier & faster read if the paragraphs were half as long. I'm backing your book. :)
Thank you for all of your feedback on, "He Loves Me, He Love Me Not.." My unedited version is now on my site. I do hope you will give me feedback on "Tell Me True Love Stories" and BACK both of my books.
Thanks, Susie :)

Ok. The Changes are complete. I think the first chapter is pretty much the same, but there were some continuity changes in the second and third chapters as well as some major revisions in chapter 4 on. All in all, I think the changes work towards bringing all the major characters together, once I went back and fixed a plot oversight that caused me no end of headaches. Enjoy everyone!

Thanks for your story, William. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Please back my TWO books.Thanks, Susie :)

Stay tuned everyone. I have a major rewrite underway and I would prefer not to have anyone read or back it until the new version is up. If you're interested in reading it later, just put it on your watch list. I'll be done by this weekend, surely.

The opening of this is great, fast paced and drew me in. After that I found it a little heavy, but this may be just me as I find science fiction the hardest genre to read, but I think you have a good premise within the genre.
For me the reason it feels heavy is that at time there is little dialogue and we are given a lot of information in one go. The opening of chp 3 is an example, there are 9 long paragraphs of 3rd person naration without any dialogue. It maybe worth looking at some long sections and see what can be delivered as dialouge to bring your obviously well though out charcters life more. (Reading it aloud can help this.)
I have backed this as you has obviously spent a lot of time working out your world and your plot.
Cat
Judas Kiss

Wonderfully written with terrific mounting tension, especially during the cave-in. Congrats. Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

Dear William Watson,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My first sentence contains three words, but yours beats mine, clocking with a mere two. Well matched, sir. You have a tension-filled beginning, with the guy having to hold up a beam of a cave-in, straining like Atlas. On top of the possibility for instant death, he has something of a speech impediment, building sympathy. Ah, I see you thought of the Atlas comparison as well. I appreciate that his mental prowess in other regions choked out his ability to speak. In this chapter your resolve their immediate danger, but their long-term escape is by no means sure. The reader still has reason to fear for them and desire to keep reading.

I sense some confusion over dialog attributions. “Yadda yadda,” she said is the correct format.

I can tell you enjoy writing and urge you to continue. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Really dramatic opening and your premise appears to be solid.

Nicely written and hence easily backed.

Good luck with it.

Melxx
would love to hear your thoughts on Impeding Justice, no.47 in the charts. A crime/thriller with a spunky female MC, thanks ,Melxx

A well written and solid piece of writing which deserves to do well. Backed!

Backed February 15.

Jesse - Savant

Not really my genre, but it is well written. Backed. Colin

Great potential. As noted before, it needs a bit of proofreading, but don't we all. It's on my bookshelf. Jim

My goodness, what a great hook at the beginning there! Especially relevant in view of the recent Haitian earthquake. Well written prose--the author is almost invisible. Backed.

William,
I am caught. I am really, really enjoying this. I love everything about it. I noticed a few typos, etc... and have noted a couple below.
chapter two 'piece' should be 'peace'
chapter three, p2. 'be observing' should be 'by observing'
ch2 p4 'at in different' should be 'in different'
There were more, but this was my quick note.
Very happy to back this. I love it!
Tracy
The Guardians

Hi William, An intriguing premise. After the action of the opening, this is settling into an interesting storyline. You are developing the characters well and there is a palatable chemistry there. Try reading this out loud when editing to streamline. Best of luck and I have backed this. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

You have a creative unusual style and your narrative is your strong point.

Although sci-fi wouldn't be my first choice of genre, I like romance so this along with your pitch had me reading.

Immediately I was drawn in my your writing and I discovered quickly I would keep reading. The beginning gives us insight into the characters offered slowly allowing us to want to find out what is happening and who they are.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Very unique and creative. I definitely enjoyed what I read. Backed!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight