HellHound

I'm surprised this isn't flying up the ranks. Fantasy is not my favoured read but I must say, written like this what to resist?
In the world of vampires, werewolves, demons, Diablo and all things a bit weird, this is one of the best I've read. The writting is razor sharp as is the mind behind it.
I fell at the first hurdle! Not sure as I started reading quite what was going on with sunglasses and contact lenses, the line came from nowhere, 'not bright red ones like mine.' Subtle but smart and I didn't see it coming!
Nothing else to say really except first-class writing makes this a 'must' read story. Backed with admiration. Margaret.

JB, I read the opening chapters yesterday, and backed your book. I've now read all you've posted as I wanted to see if the rest came up to the standard of chapter one, that'll be a 'yes' then. I love the cover, and the title. Add in excellent pitches and a wonderful opening chapter and it's obvious there's quite some book here. No nitpicks, no errors, this is simply fabulous. I read a lot of books on this site - this is exceptional. Backed with admiration.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Hellhound:

JB,

This is a riveting piece of writing. A very engaging, natural style, with flawless syntax and rhythm. Written straight from the heart, this is something I would read all the way, and maybe will one day, when it is published. Good luck.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

I enjoyed this

I enjoyed this

This is a good read

Hi JB,

This is a good, original, action-packed story.

You do, however have a number of tense slips. In the first chapter for example you have fit which should be fitted and work which should be worked. Also, on at least two occassions, you spell accommodation as accommodations.

Some of your characters are introduced too sudenly and in chapter two you have a number of missing speech marks.

It's a story that's worth spending time on to correct these issues, though.

Ron

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, you provide us a gritty story with an intelligent plot and fascinating characters. Rich imagery. Polished writing. Backed.

The chapters seem to fly along very nicely. You draw the reader in with your wild imagination and shocking action scene.
I really enjoyed this and I have to agree with Margaret that this should be soaring up the charts more.
I wish you every success, Sana x

Ok, I am about half way down your first paragraph and my first impression so far is that you are writing in the wrong voice. The structure of your narrative is along the lines of a third person narrative, but you are trying to tell your story in first person, and I am not sure it is working because your narrative seems forced. So that is the first ting you may want to look at before you go to much further in your editing process. Also, this is science fiction, not literary fiction—you need to structure the narrative in such away as to start out with something that catches the reader’s attention and makes the immediate want to read on. Start out with the half breeds in the middle of something devious, or some bit of intrigue. Starting out with a discussion of glasses vs. contacts and baby sitting is not as compelling as you an editor of science fiction will demand of you. Start out with some large action or event that give, or alludes to some, element of the story line around which the rest of the narrative will center. Start with the action, and then once the reader is hooked and involved you can weave the other details in later.


Your premise is very interesting. The idea of half breeds is great, and I think original. I don’t think I have heard of a book about half breeds, except in the Adam Sandler movie, so this is a rather fresh idea. You are going to have to work out your prose style though to make it work.



Ok, partway down on the second chapter I am becoming convinced you have some real issues that need to be resolved in your voice and style. This is very passive throughout, and you need more action,(you need something compelling to happen) this retrospective perspective is not working in your favor. You are basically narrating the whole story in first person, passively, with very little direct action taking place. Tell your story in such a way as to allow the reader to “see” the action “as” it is taking place. Do not simply tell you reader what has already happened (past tense). You linger far too long in exposition and character development, and there is not enough attention to the structure of the narrative.

By the end of the second chapter their should be some sort of definitive plot development--but there is none. Remember, in any first book your publisher is going to limit your word count. You will only have so many words; do not spend them all on details that do not move you plot forward. Throw in a few details of charter development here and there, but do so “in” the direct action, and tack them onto the dialogue. If you use your narration exclusively on character development, and a mass tedious details, then you narrative is going to bog down, and the story will never find its legs. I think you need to rework this. First off, determine what voice you want to use (third or first) and then commit to that in the structure of how you tell the story. Then decide what explosive narrative elements you want to start the story with, and build from there. Choose something that will grab the reader, and shake a few brain cells loose. Baby sitting and laborious exposition is not making this a compelling enough read for a science fiction book, but I do see potential for this book in your overall premise. I hope this is helpful or at least give you something t think about.

blueboy

Ok, I am about half way down your first paragraph and my first impression so far is that you are writing in the wrong voice. The structure of your narrative is along the lines of a third person narrative, but you are trying to tell your story in first person, and I am not sure it is working because your narrative seems forced. So that is the first ting you may want to look at before you go to much further in your editing process. Also, this is science fiction, not literary fiction—you need to structure the narrative in such away as to start out with something that catches the reader’s attention and makes the immediate want to read on. Start out with the half breeds in the middle of something devious, or some bit of intrigue. Starting out with a discussion of glasses vs. contacts and baby sitting is not as compelling as you an editor of science fiction will demand of you. Start out with some large action or event that give, or alludes to some, element of the story line around which the rest of the narrative will center. Start with the action, and then once the reader is hooked and involved you can weave the other details in later.


Your premise is very interesting. The idea of half breeds is great, and I think original. I don’t think I have heard of a book about half breeds, except in the Adam Sandler movie, so this is a rather fresh idea. You are going to have to work out your prose style though to make it work.



Ok, partway down on the second chapter I am becoming convinced you have some real issues that need to be resolved in your voice and style. This is very passive throughout, and you need more action,(you need something compelling to happen) this retrospective perspective is not working in your favor. You are basically narrating the whole story in first person, passively, with very little direct action taking place. Tell your story in such a way as to allow the reader to “see” the action “as” it is taking place. Do not simply tell you reader what has already happened (past tense). You linger far too long in exposition and character development, and there is not enough attention to the structure of the narrative.

By the end of the second chapter their should be some sort of definitive plot development--but there is none. Remember, in any first book your publisher is going to limit your word count. You will only have so many words; do not spend them all on details that do not move you plot forward. Throw in a few details of charter development here and there, but do so “in” the direct action, and tack them onto the dialogue. If you use your narration exclusively on character development, and a mass tedious details, then you narrative is going to bog down, and the story will never find its legs. I think you need to rework this. First off, determine what voice you want to use (third or first) and then commit to that in the structure of how you tell the story. Then decide what explosive narrative elements you want to start the story with, and build from there. Choose something that will grab the reader, and shake a few brain cells loose. Baby sitting and laborious exposition is not making this a compelling enough read for a science fiction book, but I do see potential for this book in your overall premise. I hope this is helpful or at least give you something t think about.

blueboy

This is really, truly, great.

I don't say that very often, so don't think this is another 'omg!' comment. The characters are superb - finely described, with their own colourful quirks and backgrounds; the voice is tight, controlled, well-held, even though you leap right into the story; and the story? Wow. The story. Original, but derived from so much people already know, subtle twists on the stereotypes.

This is definitely backed. Well done, JB - get this to the desk, people!

Esme C
'The Summoner'

I just love this! Fast, exciting and with great characters and it really deserves to be higher up on the lists, Definitely backed.

K
Nick Keen's Guide to Ghost Cleaning

Hi JB

Oh my god, this is so cool! Why isn't this higher up the ranks? Are you not chasing the rankings? You should be because it is your duty to get this up to the Ed's Desk and out into the wider world. I honestly didn't think I was going to like it, but I couldn't stop reading. You know exactly what to leave in and what to put in and when to put it in, and you somehow manage to make us care about Hellhound and his little sister without saying a sentimental word about it. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Red eyes, hm? That's only the start of it ... 'No other babysitter can compete with that', too right. And just as well given what happens later, 'I was crouched on the pillow long before I even knew why I was awake'. Neat escape, but the pursuers are the very devil to shake off. And it looks like that might be who shows up, along with another Hellhound. Angela and Cuuks, it turns out, who are part of an odd bunch of dudes. Cuuks is blessed with an equally odd sense of humour, 'No more buying drinks, mate'. There follows an enlightening and amusing account of the various supernatural breeds and half-breeds, and then the mystery of what Marie might be ... a hook and a half.

An excellent new angle on supernatural fantasy, mirroring the complexity of the hordes of angels and demons, but in this case minor and major misfits and spawns. Jacob is an unusual MC, being the 'supporter' rather than the 'star' in his role protecting the young and uncategorized Marie. The writing is both skilled and polished, and the imagination, awesome ... backed.

Possible nits: 'It hadn't work[ed], but they'd tried'. 'I like Marie. She's fun and it's not often that I get to have fun' this use of present tense tells us that Marie survives into the 'now' which takes away some of the tension ... 'I liked Marie. She was fun and it wasn't often that I got to have fun'. Watch out for switching to present tense in a few other places too. 'started losing focus ... They started'.

Good premise and plenty of action, Characters are defined. backed it.

Chp 19.

Interesting way they got out there.

The big fight between Beelzebub and Jacob could be fleshed out more I think.

His mom is there! That was a surprise! But why didn’t he talk then? Surely that’s enough to get him speaking?


Chp 20.

That’s why medics make the scariest assassinas—Oooo you’re right there. Hadn’t thought of that before.


Chp 21.


Lucifer is… big.

The demon smelled like hed jumped in a vat of rotten eggs---ew.

Then taken a shower in distilled sulphur----ew ew

He shifted to Lucifer’s form just to confuse them—he probably didn’t confuse Lucifer. And if Lucifer really is wailing away on him, would Jacob be able to unlease Greed on the misfits?

A scene showing the father getting shooting lessons would have been interesting and fun. I can see him blowing away a target for the first time and exclaiming “Jesus!” or something of the like.

He slapped me out the air… and piled drove me into the ground—this is GOOD.
But all too short.


I liked the way you did the scale and the measuring of Marie’s life’s decisions. That was cool.

It was a good ending, but like I keep mentioning before, I felt it could be stronger. More emotional. Better fleshed out. I thought you really ripped through a lot of situations and dialogue that could really have shined. I think you certainly have the ability to develop these areas more, enough to really have 3 full books rather than the novellas here. So, my thoughts remain that all of this could be MORE. I think you definitely could do it. As always JB, these are just my thoughts and I have been wrong before, so take them as such.
See what other folks think, and go from there,

Regards,
Keith

Hi,

I really enjoyed reading your book. You have a super plot, great characters and a strong narration voice. I wouldn't usually read a book quite like this, and I personally struggle with first person stories but I thought it was great all the same! Once I started reading it I was hooked.

One little nit-pick - You wrote 'Three darts were beside him and he was pulling out a forth from his shoulder as I rushed in.' But it should be ‘Three darts were beside him and he was pulling out a fourth from his shoulder as I rushed in.' Just the wrong spelling for fourth.

Also you have said a couple of times 'I later learned...' Perhaps you could add the information into the story later. It might make it flow more. A couple of sentences are a bit choppy and interrupted so they might need tiding up.

Overall this is a great story with heaps of potential and I can’t wait to read more. :-) Backed with pleasure!

Joyanna
The Prince and The Sorcerer

Chp 18.

I yanked the chain out of the wall—not quite as I read further on to find that the chain is still in there. So he tried to yank it. I thought he actually broke the chain at first. I was surprised to see that CIUP even bothered to chain him up, but then I read on and saw the sensor thingy. That was cool.

It was at that spot God forgot—nice.

Holy Ghost and Vile Darkness—good names.

Lots of throat tearing in this. Again, I see much more that could be here, depending on how nasty you want to get. Legs and arms broken or torn out. Backs being cracked in two over knees. Guys being hooked by their jawbones and thrown into walls… that kind of stuff.

And they used the spider again—but only one. I’d think they use them on all of them if they had too. Or at least had them on hand if something happened.

It’ll be interesting to see how they break out this time.

This chapter like all the others—was written well. I didn’t spot anything out of place with the exception of the few comments above.

Wow!

JB, this is very very SHARP! Great story -- superb writing!

There is a very deep mind behind these pages, and huge caring heart. This is one of the best fantasy stories on this site - my highest complements!

Backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Dear JB
I started reading your book some time ago and have finished it. Great read and well crafted. Your book cover is just amazing how did it? the long pitch was what grabbed me to read your book in the first place and I am so glad I crossed over to this genre to find talent because I found it and some more. BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
backed for sure
Denise
The Letter
Oh and if you could comment on my word and back it great if not that is OK also

Chp 17.

He didn’t manage to get a single complete word passed (not past?)

There’d been two other times before that (omit “that”—replace with “where”)

Bee stings—is this one word?

The nearby buildings were growing snipers like the first thaw grows bluebells---niiiiiiice.

I’ also really good at ignoring pain… most people are—he still thinks of himself as a person?

The spider---very effective. I was waiting to see if CIUP was going to come up with something new to try and contain Jacob. Up till this point, they seemed ineffectual.

There could even be a CIUP POV with some of the players there, wondering what it will take to stop/contain this guy.

I was reminded somewhat of the T-800 being blasted by cop-fire in the final hour of T2. Even though we know he can’t be hurt, when bullets are taking off pieces of his face we wonder just how MUCH he can take. And there is the characterization of the t-800—him trying to learn what it means to be human and all that—that make it effective and work. You have a scene (s) here that could be every bit as powerful….but instead, when he gets in trouble, there’s a pop, and Jacob coolly explains that he can also do this, by the way. There’s no sense of… limits.

Beelzebub’s back!

And Jacob does go down. I was surprised.

What a brilliant story!!!
Every now and then you find a story that really captures the imagination, and boy have you captured mine!
Hound is a stunning character and the part about David and Mary being killed took this to another level. You have a stunning book here!

Chp 16.

I wasn’t impressed by their daily throughput. What’s a throughput? :)

Should “Running of the Bulls” be in quotations or italics here? I’m not sure myself…

My eyes burning with tears—not sure if this is because of he’s a half demon, but I don’t think natural tears burn.

Then got up this morning as bright as ( a) bulb….

Well, I had no intension (intention) of dying…

One of the half demons they’d rescued from CIUP’s grasp (no “s”)

A group of peacocks to peruse them with dignified glares---nice description

It also had (comma), recently added by yours truly, an immense…

But (omit “but”—and) partly because I have a reputation to maintain…

I went up the outside, feeling much myself by the time I got there—is something missing?

Sarah was clearly nervous about the game, fearing to see Marie fall, so ( she) stayed just behind me, just in case.

Pressed her against the nearest wall and kiss(ed) her.

But it’s like fancy perfume to m hungry heart—this was a little strange to me. He’s immune, but she was getting to him anyway?

Plenty of practice and lots of treats—this was good. I smiled.

Hmmm nice that they finally get together here at the end.

Again there was a feeling of being rushed here in sections while I still like the overall premise, characters, and setting. As always, just one guy’s opinion.

chp 15

What was he going to do to me, I was already dead.---well… this is Satan….unless he can’t beat the guy into pieces right there.

I do like these jaunts into hell and the powers that are deciding over what to do with Jacob.

Nice description of Mike’s duties.

Chp.14

Again, we are quickly led from an outdoor party to an infiltration and rescue attempt.
I still feel you could do so much more here.

She fought back, naturally, but there were two of, my demon was strong… something’s missing.

I had my sister back. I had… two spawns---this part was great!

They’re always the ones handing out free T-shirt(s)

You know how some cultures have legends about how the hills and valleys were made…
Again, this whole fight could have been expanded upon.

I broke toes with Imp, then tore out fistful of meat…. Fistfuls? Or … tore out a fistful.
This was pretty good by the way.


I told the pain to go take a long walk off a short pier and focussed—focused (unless you dictionary is different from mine).

Well, the death scene didn't really do anything for me. It was stated as is, and that's how it came across. I think you could do better. You show flashes of real talent, but then you are back into a really quick narrative.

Again, this is all one person's opinion.

Chp13.

I had gone in gun (s?) blazing…

By that expression of intense frustration, I’d said (say?)…

By this time, I’m wondering if not having jacob speak is still effective, since he did in the last book.

I wanted (too), damn I wanted to, but I would never…

I was having trouble focus (one s) ing on…

I’ve lived with Creech for nearly (insert number) years now”

Chp12.

Making me feel like I was wearing too much sunscreen---this was good!

Cuuks toss(ed) me a donut…

Lazily, not worried about the presences… you might want to say who it is—It’s father joe right?

Nice—your description of Sarah here and her dialogue capture a piousness that is disturbing. Well done.

“Hold on just a moment 00000 please” formatting problem.

I finally understood how the demon Angela had slain with white light had felt…. Something’s not right there---or is it me?

Interesting battle here. I think it could be a little stronger if you flesh it out just a little more.

Chp11.

He’s like some kind of reptilian mountain cat… this was a little clunky, I thought. You might consider rewriting it.

He could be a hair dresser---that was funny!

If I mentioned it earlier, I’ll do so again, this is very clean writing—not many typos or the like.

Creech and his broken legs---ew. That would be SO not nice.

We came up with some distraction(s?)

I took off my coat and shoes—this is a smart move if he gets the time to retrieve them.

Hey back up (I don’t think this is a compound word)
She was dressed in (a) hospital shirt….

Oooooo Major demons!

ARGH!! I was hoping for a fight!!!

Chp 10.

Althought I was officially barred from Creech and his loonies---this carries over from the first book, and I never really got the impression that they were loonies. I never really got he impression that they were misguided, either, and only faintly felt that they were even dangerous—if at all. Again, this is something that I think you should revisit and flesh out more.

Nice way you did that intruding thought there. Starting with “Michael. Me and Michael…”

Keywords and pass codes—all of which probably would have been changed anyway, since they escaped. You probably note this later, or they discover it, but it’s no very smart on Natasha’s part to think this.

I am getting a sense of attraction between the two, so that’s an interesting sub-ploy you potentially have there.

…as Tolkein (‘s?) elves is wrong.

…except for his modern spike(d?) haircut.

Nice ending to this chapter.

Chp 9.


As always, just one guy’s opinion…

The second book in the series. We are still with Jacob here?

And he’s learned to shift into other things as well now? Not just the Hound form? Cuuks can do this too then?

Uh-oh—father joseph chasing the little one—I cringed.

So he knows!

At this point I must say, as far as I’m concerned, I haven’t seen too many mistakes or typos.

They killed two people a couple of weeks back? Obviously they weren’t innocent then…or it wasn’t them…

Option 1 was possible—should be one—I think all numbers under a hundred are supposed to be spelled out---but don’t hold me to that.
Nice ending to the chapter. I wonder what you have in store…

Chp. 6

Nothing nastier than a minor demon(’s) spawn…

Angela held Creech down and handed him a few guns from the… I think , for me anyway, reading about the jail break all leading up to the confrontation with Mr. B, with greater description, would be wonderful thing. The build-up would be great. Right now, it’s moving along quickly without any real build up unless… again, unless this is boring in Jacob’s mind and the real interesting stuff is coming. I’m starting to think this is more like a script.

That’s not to say this isn’t interesting… it’s just that you could be robbing yourself of more…something even epic.

But, like I said, I’m just one guy, so take everything I note as just that.


Chp 7.

Or even Indian bronze—nice description here.

Jacob speaks!

The angel lay into Satan, both barrels blazing---you might want to add something to indicate that they are only talking and not actually shooting.

I’m a Hell of a lot more than a (H)ellhound—wondering if it should be capitalized or not.

Now, this is what I’m talking about!! Dialogue! Banter! Nice intermission here.

Chp 8.

I shifted to the only big demon I knew: Beelzebub---hmmm I missed something earlier. I thought he could only go into Hellhound form.

The action in this chapter is better.

The whole stupidity of Hell versus (H)eaven.

Well, like I said earlier. This felt… rushed. You mentioned you wanted this to be light, and in its present form it certainly is. Just to summarize, I think you have a lot pf potential here, but I feel you might consider fleshing it out more, so it doesn’t read so much like an outline for a bigger piece of work. There were some big action scenes and even some dramatic moments that were only touched on. Anyway, see what other folks think first before you make any changes.
I’m wondering what you’ll do with the next one—which I’ll get to shortly.
Have a good one...

Chp 5

Gladiator games????? I LIKE!

It only took one misfit to start the whole cascade. ---I don’t understand.

I think you are passing up on some great moments of characterization here, as well as action scenes. If you don’t want to go the action route, that’s fine. But with the interaction with the imp and then later with the major demon misfit, there could be gold here to be mined with these minor characters; Then again… it’s just me thinking out loud. I’ll be better to comment on this once all is read.

Torture was better than being dead? Really?

He left me in a heap---again, you could elaborate here. Make the reader go… holey shite!

It was agony, but I’ve had worse….? This sounds worse than the baptism scene.

And he gives in…. ooooo this is getting interesting now…

Chp 4.


As always, just one guy’s opinion…


But otherwise there was no sign---you might consider changing this to something like—ordinary looking, non descript, something , as I thought that “was no sign (of ….something)” was missing something.

If you look closely---the doors are okay but would the heavily armed men be seen anyway? And no lookouts outside (street bums, police officers) ? Security cameras? Guys on the roof?
Or maybe you have them in later?


We went up the outsides---nice

I shifted to Hound—I think I noticed (and maybe even mentioned) hound in earlier chps not being capitalized.

“Damn you , no”… just a thought—dialogue is okay but in some places a little stiff like just after this. But if you’re comfortable with it, then that’s fine.

“You want me to slaughter…”--- this sounds better

A rogue shifted misfit (s?) running after foolishly-dressed business women…

Canines a saber tooth would be proud of--- Ew. That was good.

I think your action scenes could be a little stronger (if you want a heavy action tale). You’ve constructed this MC that is essentially tank and cuts through most mundanes like a knife through butter, including the very ones that should be prepared to deal with his sort. The brevity of your fight scenes is kinda flat because of this. I understand that this guy is strong, perhaps even bored, and in a way, your writing is better than other first person narratives where the narrator goes into huge lengthy descriptions. Hound is not concerned with these guys so he wastes no time in describing what he does in acton mode. Maybe it’s just me. But I would like to see one or two scenes where you go into greater detail, a blow by blow account, rather than simply—he tore them apart.

Ooooh they tricked him. Bastards. MUST. Die!!

I won’t go into details...---but I would like it very much if you did. Especially here when you introduce a major demon--you could really have fun with this now that you've established that Jacob is a bad ass---but there are OTHER bad asses out there, and even give your readers a sense of dread/fear/hopelessness with a sprinkle of determination where Jacob simply does.not. give.up.
And gets his ass kicked anyway.
Think terminator 2 and the T-800 taking on the T1000.

Chp3.

He hasn’t spoken in a decade—not even to Marie? II can understand the reasoning for not deciding to speak, but then you remove any sort of interesting dialogue that might come up between the misfits—unless he starts speaking later.

He burned his hand on another cross but not his own… that’s interesting.


I went three houses down, snuck through the garden, and started hopping fences—in human or hound form? Maybe I missed something.

A chair that had been tuckered it (in)…

…with wings over where Dave and Mary’s shoulders and fire---is this okay?


Who had been able to be kind to me--- a little wordy I think—you could omit “able to be”

“Real parent in there?” I don’t understand. Is something missing?

Rather than explaing what happens, why not actually let it happen? For example—the workers at the construction site. Put in the dialogue and generate some emotion regarding the verbal abouse.

Your action scene could had been stronger I felt. Although, perhaps it’s Jacob‘s way and he doesn’t care to describe it? It’s boring to him because of the inevitable outcome?

And they’d not be (been) subtle about it.

The other bunch of demonic mongrels---nice!

Beelzebubn? The big B himself? Interesting.

And that’s chp 3. Again, only one person’s opinion.

Later then

This is terrific, I don't know how I've missed this before. Sylvia.

Chp2.

As always, just my opinions…


Hound has stayed… I know what you mean here, but it comes across as a little, I dunno, like there’s something else in the cage with him. So Hound refers to Hound form as a separate entity? Sorta like a person refereeing to themselves in the third person all the time? Even though, Jacob still retains all thoughts while still in hound form?

His teeth (were) more crooked…

But otherwise (he was) pretty much identical…

Cuuks has developed—shouldn’t it be had developed?

Cuuks Sounds like one of my neighbors!

I’ve still never tried to use handles in Hound form—I think this is better than referring to Hound as a separate entity all the time. Again, just me, and you should see what others think about it.

These people already knew I was the Hound.—Not (a) Hound? Since Cuuks is a hound too?

Far more interested in another woman: Marie—another person, maybe. Or just I was far more interested in where Marie was.

Ohh now I see the sheep and how it ties in to the first chapter.

Mischievous green eyes

Or try to hit me (period)

So (I ) wasn’t offended

A rhipo or a hino---funny :)

Sounds more like a Chihuahua when he laughs—that WOULD be creepy

I did like the summary bit. Well thought out.

Tear part their reputation (s?) and their lives

She even got me baptized and I have the scars to prove it—That was cool. Would be freaky too.

You can guess what the victims were doing.---ew.

They stole hundreds? So this is pretty wide spread?

David and Mary were dead—nice punch here.

Nice people did not kill their spouses and then themselves—so one of them killed the other and then offed his/herself? So what happened? They seemed stable enough? Or there is more to follow?

This is fairly fast moving and interesting. A lot of questions I want to ask but I imagine things will be explained a little later.

Your dialogue is fine at this point—I’ve only read a little thus far, but it’s very important. Waiting for further examples. Tone is still relatively light I feel… so what audience are you going for? My first thought was R with Hound guy ripping out a person’s throat—I’m wondering if there will be repercussions because of that?

All shall be revealed…

On to chp 3!!

Hi JB,

Thanks again for your comments. Here are my thoughts on your work---again just one guy okay, and when it comes to grammar, I’m not the best (I’ve been reminded of that here).

Chp 1

First person narrative is always a difficult one for me. I stya way from it, because I know I could never do it well. I’ve seen work on this site (an in class) that made me shake my head. But….this line…. “The rest of the time, I just worry people,” made me smile.

Bright red ones. You own a ferret?

The Adams’ had fostered her–is an apostrophe needed here?

The Adams’ had just accepted that which had made the difference---you mean…the extra effort needed to be made to make the guy feel he was part of the family?

Does not play well with others—smiled again.

I got a squealed “Jacob!” (no comma) then a bear hug…

David fertility problems—well done.

David and Mary guide(d) Marie in that choice with those two words.

She fell sleep against me—on me, perhaps?

TWENTY MEN!! =:0

I shifted. I don’t know if it would have made a difference… I’m thinking it would have?
If his senses are better in Hound form, wouldn’t the strength be there too?

They could match it but they couldn’t gain---but in this case, they couldn’t match it…?

I ripped a man’s throat out before he could life his rifle---good fast imagery here.

I killed things before (no need of the list) but not a person.

I was still standing when a new commotion started up below.

Another shape…. with wings? Oooooo interesting.


Interesting first chapter JB. You have my attention. I’ll read more tomorrow. Points are all listed above, so do with them what you will.

Regards,
Keith

I like the line,'I don't dream,I have nightmares' You write well. The whole thing has a surreal quality about it, as if it ought to be read when one's drunk, or under the influence of some drug or other. It isn't the sort of thing I would normally read, but there is quality in it., so I'm happy to back it.

I loved the way this opened. It shows the MC'S strangness straight away and there were nice touches of wry humour: No other babysitter can really compete with that.

Nitpicks. These are minor and easily rectified.
The Adams just accept that (fact) and (that'd) made the difference. This is a little clunky, suggest maybe: The Adams just accepted that, which had made the difference.

(They'd) their own dreams shattered... again a little clunky, perhaps: Despite their own dreams being shattered...

...before the man got the (answering)... as above, perhaps replaced bracketed word with: instructions.

Apart from the nitpicks, this is a tight and focused piece of writing. The narrator's voice is clear and the characterisation excellent. The very best of luck with this. Backed.

I loved the way this chapter opened. It shows the MC'S

This isn't my sort of thing at all but it's very well done. Backed.

Wow!

'not my fault; doesn't mean I was guilty'
That made me smile =]
I love the voice of the narrator - it really gives it a unique edge. It makes it easy to read and get into.
Good luck with your writing.

A superb mix of supernatural that takes everything you ever thought of and ramps it up. I adore crossovers and have fallen in love with this. a blast.

Although this isn't the type of fantasy I read, this is well written, and I'll give you a back on this. Regarding my own work, (I think you said the same thing about Cloud Drops!!) You might prefer my novel, Strange Change. Have you checked it out? It is also about a boy that can change, but quite differently than what you're getting into here!

This is not my genre however I found this book to be all that the pitch gave clue to. The story line is gripping and tight, so well crafted. The colors you use for your characters are vivid, the set magnificent. This book has to reach the top five and it is
BACKED by me. I would appreciate you reading some of my book and commenting. Different genre but that is the beauty of this site.
BEST of luck
Denise

I really liked this. There a re still a few typos to be ironed out, but it reads well, flows and has a consistent and dry tone which I admire. I'm happy to back this.

Your highly descriptive writing style coupled with your use of the first person narrative makes your finely constructed fantasy a pleasure to read. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi

Really enjoyed all the chapters you`ve posted, you deserve to be ranked much higher, don`t have any particular critique to offer, I thought it was a really good read.

Good luck

I'm surprised this isn't flying up the ranks. Fantasy is not my favoured read but I must say, written like this what to resist?
In the world of vampires, werewolves, demons, Diablo and all things a bit weird, this is one of the best I've read. The writting is razor sharp as is the mind behind it.
I fell at the first hurdle! Not sure as I started reading quite what was going on with sunglasses and contact lenses, the line came from nowhere, 'not bright red ones like mine.' Subtle but smart and I didn't see it coming!
Nothing else to say really except first-class writing makes this a 'must' read story. Backed with admiration. Margaret.

This is a good story. You have a good character in your narrator - it was a long way into the story, tho, before I caught his name. Doesn't really matter but I lock onto a characer better when I know that down front. Even without a name, he was likable and unique: a half-demon baby sitter. Your writing style is good for this type of story. It's clear and engaging and keeps pushing the story forward. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).