The Blue-Bike Murder

I love the camaraderie and banter between the boys. It gives the death scene so much more depth- we imagine how the other boy might feel, guilt? And the tension is thick- what exactly happened? Backed.

To Ron Parker (The Blue Bike Murder),

This is a real thriler and I'm BACKING it with pleasure.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Always room on the shelf for a well-constructed detective story. :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

The blue bike murder
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

I like murder mysteries. Adding to my watchlist.

Anne
Closeted Courage

Unsettling start where you're not sure who killed theboy. Was it the man on the bike or the old man with the dog or the stepfather. The boys interaction feels real and your writing is solid, carrying the reader into the story. There is definitely an uncertain atmosphere where you are just waiting for something ominous. The pitch sells the story without spoiling it and your cover is stunning. backed with pleasure.

Read briefly through the first four chapters and then danced around to check your writing style and ability which is professional, skilled and talented.


There is a definite feel of a Chandler or Amis here and that is enough to give your my admiration if your writing.

Kudos on the work
Good luck.
Cheers.
Oh, and BACKED.

Dear Ron,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on.

Further reading and comment depend on time and commitment.

Happy everything and take it easy.

MM

Hi Ron
This is a great thriller and is a smooth read. The dialogue is good and the narrative is sharply visual. The only thing I'd change would be the pitch. I don't think you sell the book as well as you could with it. I'd write it as if you were sending the pitch to publishers and I'm sure you'd attract more readers to what is potentially a great book.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Really great cover art! It is very eyecatching. I also think your pitch is good, but I would leave out the last sentence telling people not to read the book. A person who doesn't want to read about child abuse has already gotten the picture. But in any case, that is a small detail. I like your writing style and the theme of the book is terrifying but compelling. Great job! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

HI Ron, A real Thriller, I kept turning the pages. I like the book and I BACK it! Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

A well written tale, seeing as how its about such a sad subject. Poor Brian! You give us an eagerness to see his step-dad caught and sent to jail. With your writing its very easy to sink into the story. Strong and steady pace, you write with confidence. And you intrigue. Great for a mystery. Thanks for the read and good luck!

A stunning thriller I feel Imay have to come back for more to find out how Jake fairs with his concience - will he tell what the stepfater was up to?

Mrs O - Amelia

Enjoyed sampling the first few pages. Fresh and nicely done - certainly draws you nto the story. Will try (time as ever on here is short) to add some more considered thoughts shortly.

Clive
Cincinnati Dancing Pig

I have almost burnt the dinner, this is fantastic and I'm going to move it back to my W/L as Its such a compulsive read. I cant find anything wrong at all in fact its all right very very right. but I noticed a change of font and text at the end of chapter two. Fantastic Fantastic Fantastic BACKED

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Dear Ron, I just discovered that you have 3 books. I've backed the other 2 & am now backing this one. :) All 3 are good because you have nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue. I am commenting/backing this one, too. :)
Love, Susie Please back my 2. Thanks, Susie :)

I read the pitches to all three of the books you have posted, and chose this one. I write about child abuse as well. The way I see it...it's a story that needs to be told. Even today with everyone well educated on the subject, it's still something that happens in "other" families. That said...Great job on your story and I will back it.
BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries

This is a disturbing subject but you shoudn't shy away from it. it may help someone speak out and that is always a good thing. I liked the narrative and where the man spoke to the kids in the park you could feel the tension. Backed

Your pitch drew me into reading the story. A very good premise and knowledgeable writing. The psychological aspects of the story add an element that makes this a winner.

Backed.

Loretta Stacey
Forever & Never

WOW - I started reading this last night and was compelled to finish it this morning! EXCELLENT writing - so well crafted and perfectly paced - I think you have a winner here not only would I buy this but I would recommended it to my friends! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Ron,
Read and backed Double Murder and thought I would take a peek at The Blue-Bike Murder.
I found it equally well written and deserving of a turn on my bookshelf.

Ray

Neither pitch worked for me. There is good writing here but I would not read the inside because of those pitches. Revise and let me know. I will SHELVE you for now. I can use your comments on my latter chapters when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Real down-to-earth settings, excellent dialogue, can almost hear the northern accents. Great thriller. backed. lynn

Good premise and expertly crafted!
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

Backed because I've had a most enjoyable time reading your book - loved the suspense and such.

Ron
Read first couple of chapters and 23 and 24. Still, it is a startling, well-written piece of work. Not easy to read in some parts as warned, but a worthy read none the less. Backed. Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

I love a mystery and this one is very intriguing. Good descriptions and solid details. Backed.

I must admit, I skipped through a few chapters. A very intriguing story, and it seems so true to life. Thank you for the bravery of writing this Ron, it should be compuslary reading for all. I will say no more, it is written very well, clear and easy to read. Good Luck. Backed.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And also, Muddledydo.

Your title really made me want to read the book so I read through the first few chapters. It's a compelling story and although unfortunate, is one that shouldn't be swept under the rug. Good writing that flows easily and well done characters. Backed.
Krystiana
Surviving the Earthquake

Dear Ron Parker,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I like the juxtaposition between Jake’s summer-vacation joy and Brian’s somberness, hinting immediately at something the matter. Then the stranger comes on the blue bicycle, and I wonder if he’s the true danger. Brian reels my disgust back to his stepfather. You don’t overdo these emotional scenes, which is to your credit. The dialog comes off well, and I think with a little polish it could shine even more so. I’m looking at the line, “You’d batter me if I told anyone, I know that. But I still think you should.” In my fallible opinion, the first sentence sounds like it’s more for the readers benefit; if both boys already know it, would they really say it? Perhaps, since they’re boys, but I would encourage you to find a line that implies just that while saying something that also reveals character and or mood. Or, perhaps you don’t even need that sentence. Most of your dialog hits the mark, and I especially like how the same man with the dog finds the boy dead. You’ve created multiple hooks here. I don’t know which boy, and I’m already wondering if it’s the stranger or stepfather who killed him.

Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Great opening! Shelved.

Dan- Eunice Stubbins.

Bloomin' heck. That was a stunning first chapter, kind of guessed what was going to happen at the end of it, but that's down to me having a cynical mind!.

Thrilling read that I intend to continue reading.

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)

Ron,

Great opening chapter. The boys seem real, the stranger provides an obvious avenue for investigation, and the discussion of Brian's step-dad's activities are sensitively handled--and of course provide another avenue for investigation.

Chapter two is equally well done. My only observation is that the last paragraph appeared to be in a different font to the rest.

There's another incident of this in chapter three.

Okay, I've read three chapters and this is a well constructed crime procedural; easy to read. My only observation is that perhaps things are going a little too easy for DI Jackson, thus far.

Happy to give this a spin on the shelf.

How would the doctor know he'd been sexually assaulted (and for some time) if the child was fully dressed when found? They wouldn't undress the body at the crime scene. Also, where are the SOCOs? (or CSI's or FSI's, depending on where you are.)

Hi Sheryl.

Many thanks for backing 'Blue-Bike' and for your comments.

From your remarks I take it you are not British. In Britain, you don't get an agent unless you're already published! You submit direct to a publisher.

As to your comments about the hyphen in the title, 'Blue-Bike Murder' is not the same as 'Blue Bike Murder'!

I agree about the adverbs and as I will be reviewing this book shortly, I will take your comments on board. Thanks again.

Ron

The Blue-Bike Murder...

I'll be picky, if that's all right. First--why the hyphen between blue and bike in your title?

I like this story--but I think you could eliminate the adverbs (agents don't like them, Anne Perry and JK Rowling notwithstanding.) Afraid I don't have much time to comment more, but a good book for finding the picky things that might be keeping this story from gaining a wider audience (good story, BTW) is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. Worth buying, but definitely worth reading--usually available in any decent library, but you might have to go on a waiting list.

Backed, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
P.S. Thanks for your encouraging comments about mine. Read Knock'n on Wood, too.

The secret is quick in coming out and I can only suppose that it is somewhat inconsequential to the story. But the chapter moves quickly and ends with the proverbial (if not, expected) THUD. I think I'll shelve it for a continued read.

Hi Foxy,
Thanks for your comment and for backing my book. Things might not be quite as clear cut as they seem.

I'll return the favour as soon as I can but I'm afraid I'm very busy just at the moment.

Ron

The secret is quick in coming out and I can only suppose that it is somewhat inconsequential to the story. But the chapter moves quickly and ends with the proverbial (if not, expected) THUD. I think I'll shelve it for a continued read.

This book begins well and really zips right along. I'm definitely adding it to my watch list!

Malcolm

Thanks, Malcolm,

Ron

This book begins well and really zips right along. I'm definitely adding it to my watch list!

Malcolm

Hi DS,

Thanks for your comment. This book is, in fact, already published but I will take your remarks into account if there is ever a new edition.

Ron

Ron, I'm a big fan of mysteries and thrillers, so I was drawn to your blurb. You have a good premise, and the first chapter is nicely written. My sole criticism stems from what I feel is over-telling and over-writing. For example, the following sentence felt over-written to me, "His friend, face pale despite a warm sun shining..." I would take out the parenthetical expression and work it in somewhere else. The reason for my suggestion is because the sentence is at the beginning of the story, and it tends to detract from the story. Also, I felt that the exchange between the boys about "Dad" and "Step-dad" could have been eliminated. This feels, whether it is or not, to be dialogue written just for the purpose of inserting information. Maybe you can work in that Brian's real dad is dead and he doesn't like his step-dad somewhere else. If it really needs to be introduced that early in the story, I would suggest just telling the reader in a short narrative. That might keep the reader from wondering why the boys are reciting things that they both already know.

In any event, this is just one person's opinion. I'll keep reading and let you know of any other suggestions as I go along. Regards, D.S.

About that push-bike in the incident room: From what I understand, evidence is usually kept in a separate space to avoid contamination of the evidence. I can't imagine a bike of any kind being bagged, so having it in the room hinders the investigation by not following evidence protocol.

hi mate :)

thanks for getting back to me. i wasn't meaning to have a go at you personally, i think it's a great story and i like where you are going with it, i was just pointing out things you might have to change although i guess a lot of it is a matter of personal taste

take care :)

xxxxx

Hi yaasehshalom,

Thanks for continuing to read the story and for your comments. As regards, Mark's 'change' of personality, it's what's called uniting in the face of a common enemy - not an uncommon occurance.

As to getting across how awful the situation is, you might be right. I have spent much of my career working with abused kids, so perhaps I'm just acclimatised to it, so to speak.

The school initiation ceremony isn't a major part of the story and serves only to get certain characters 'on stage'.

I'm sorry you don't like the ending and I agree it could be stronger, but any changes will have to wait for a new edition as this book is already available in paperback as it stands.

Thanks again for your comments.

Ron

Hi Stijn,

Thanks for continuning to read the story.

Actually, chapter six does introduce new characters, as well as developing Jake's character.

Ron

I have to say that I found some things a bit implausible. For example, Mark's sudden change in personality and the fact that Jake starts to trust him. For a start Jake doesn't know him very well, so there isn't the co-dependency (for want of a better word) you often find in abuse cases. I find it implausible that the relationship would alter in that way and that this kid would undergo such a drastic change. I have similar issues in my story so I'm not having a go at you. I just thought I would point this out.


You say something along the lines of "Mark regretted what he had made Jake do" - regretted?? surely you could find something a bit stronger? he pimped a twelve year old kid out to someone he barely knew ...

I think the main problem is that you are writing about this stuff but you don't get across how awful it is, by the use of the language.

Also the bits with Karen - the initiation ceremony is never gone into in depth, and my feeling here is tdhat you missed quiote a good opportunity.

I didn't like the ending because I got the feeling that you were just trying to wrap everything up neatly which spoiled it for me somewhat. I'm not trying to criticise you because i like where you are going with it but I do think there are a few problems which you may have to change.

Take care.

I think chapter 6 is the weakest so far. While police officers would obviously have lots of briefings, this one didn't move the story forward. You could just simply have the police show up at the youth club to talk with the suspects. The briefing scene tells nothing I didn't already know.

hi yaasehshalom,

Thanks for the further comments.

You're right that a fourteen-year-old wouldn't normally associate with a 12-year-old, but Brian and Jake have known each other for a long time. Additionally, Brian prefers the company of younger boys as he himself is not that mature for his age, that will be explained later in the story.
I hadn't noticed the reptition you found. Thanks for pointing it out.

I'm glad you find the story enjoyable.

Ron