Iceman

...you sounded like...why would I do that? = seems unnecessary
At times the narrative becomes too expositional, like an excerpt from a Nat Geo publication
The sory moves along at a fair old pace but the discerning reader will be put off by consistent errors in punctuation and syntax...the text would benefit hugely from astute editing and result in an excellent read...good luck with it
Stewart

Thanks Francine....john

Hi Caelin,

Back for a second read. Excellent stuff, well written with hardly a flaw. I'd add a comma at the beginning:
Hands outstretched//, comma here //
The reader understands all the stumbling and grasping for reality when woken from sleep. Well done.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Hi Caelin,

Back for a second read. Excellent stuff, well written with hardly a flaw. I'd add a comma at the beginning:
Hands outstretched//, comma here //
The reader understands all the stumbling and grasping for reality when woken from sleep. Well done.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Sorry for the delay in replying but I haven’t been on the site in a very long time, anyway a belated thanks for the comments and backing

Hi Samantha. Sorry for the delay but the last year has been too busy for me to get back on the site. Back then I had a lot of comments about the ending of what I think of as the first book so to rectify this the last few chapters were added pretty much as they were written, and probably did have too many errors. Anyway I’ve shortened the story, or in reality lengthened it into a second book so hopefully the gist of the first will not be so confusing, or with so many errors. Thanks for the comments

Hi Stewart sorry for the delay but I haven’t been on the site in quite a while. Thanks for the comments, noted, and yes it could do with professional editing but to be honest there are many thousands of authors out there in the big world so my chances of ever becoming a best seller are around the same as my story becoming reality. So what’s one to do? me ….. Write for fun, and in the hope others will enjoy; finish ASAP and get on with another story before time writes my own final chapter

I thought I'd try to be helpful and have a look at chapter 16 since it's new. This plot is way too complex for me to have started in the middle, but it does have my interest. It's not a plot I've seen too much of.

You'll need a light edit though to fit up some verb tenses and missing or confused words in this chapter :P

I thought Chapter one full of tension and realism. In my opinion it is well written, with only minor flaws, which are easily corrected. I would have liked more of Gareth's reactions when the plane gets into difficulties. Other than that, it's fantastic. Backed with pleasure.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Great idea for a book. The first chapter lays everything out very clearly. One of my worst nightmares, by the way! Backed.

A good idea, but a VERY long first chapter. Maybe split up into two or something? Maybe just me. If you make sure you edit and check punctuation to the best of your ability (as we all need to do) it's an excellent idea for a story. Watchlisting to read on.
Polly
STONES.

A terribly long first chapter, you could divide it into two or maybe three parts.

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 44 days ago with very good advice, did you take it?

You still need to correct your punctuation, it makes reading your story, which sounds intriguing, a little awkward and slows the pace.

As regards the openeing, why did it take you so long to get to the point?

I use adjectives, and adverbs, but only when they are necessary. -STILL "MOSTLY" ASLEEP - left me wondering if you were half-asleep when you wrote that.

The best way to learn about punctuation is to read a well constructed book. J K Rowlings books are always proof read for punctuation, read one of them.

A way to spot your punctuation mistakes, (never place one before "as") is to read and have you story read aloud.

There are people who will take advice and there are people who won't.

There are people who better their writing skills by taking advice, and there are others who...

...can't understand why their work is always rejected.

John. A well paced strong story line with believable characters and dialogue.
You have a passion for writing that is evident and I wish you every success
Jane

This is brillioant book. I know that it will make it. I have only read a little, but I shall indeed, be returning.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek inside The Russian Hat. I could do with a lift.

warm wishes

Brendan

Chapter 1 is a combination of a lot of dialog and then a lot of somewhat technical description. Your writing is very good - why not break it up and vary it a bit? Otherwise really nice - this is a unique theme. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

The gift of a double edged sword, a fantastic chance to take a trip of a lifetime and fly across the south pole,
and then end up frozen solid for years, after the plane your in, crashes with the fuselage intact. An amazing piece of flying from captain Hill, very factual and realistic, the undercarriage iced up, and balance of the aircraft is all wrong, what a rip roaring adventure.

The gift of a double edged sword, immersion into supercooled water enables some of the passengers to survive the crash and get revived later, years later. This story is truly spellbinding, especially when plane crash survior Gareth is told of the new world order, contact with aliens has been achieved, but humans have all been injected with Nanonits, that mean absolute obediance to the visitors.

Do stories get much better than Iceman, can the double edged sword get any sharper. When Gareth and others are given the mission of freeing their fellow humans from their bondage.
Excellent story backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Hi Daniel. I don’t know if its just me but I see a lot of books in the bookstores that are written to a formulae and churned out in re-hashes over and over, while its not meant to be a criticism I see this as entertainment and not story telling, to me a story is something very personal, something that comes from inside, and something that’s not necessarily going to be to everyone’s taste. Bearing that in mind it was very pleasing to read you’re comments and know that my imagination is not alone, john

Hi John. After reading half of Iceman yesterday, I backed it.Today I have just finished reading the rest and what can I say? This is a fantastic story... it's original and gripping in every way. I loved it and can't wait to find out what happens next!
With my Editor's hat on...................There are quite a lot of errors - spelling, grammatical, etc. And so I would suggest you take some time to really read though the text and edit as necessary. For example, you consistently spell 'loose' instead of 'lose'.
Your spelling of Julie occasionally becomes Julia.
'Were' and 'your' instead of we're and you're.
And within some of the longer narrative sections, I did get lost as to who was saying what.
But ultimately, I think you've got an awesome story here and I can easily see you becoming a bestseller!
Best of luck.
Suzy (Raven)

Hi Suzy. Thanks for your very nice to read, and constructive comments. To have feed back such as you have given is the very reason why I first uploaded onto Athonomy, and why I continue. I have friends who are perfectionists and will begin a project and work constantly at the detail. Alas this is not me, creation is my passion and while I do, do several drafts, my eye is on the story. Obviously not recommended, but at my age I have so many things to write and so little time. In the end I write for fun and as a legacy, it is my hope that my grandchildren will take the stories to perfection. Of course all this is irrelevant to the now, and you have pointed out things that I find very helpful and as I have mentioned such errors are the reason I uploaded to Autonomy. While mostly what you have pointed out are obvious mistakes, and these have already been corrected on the original, it may take me a little longer to sort out the your and you’re, and the were and we’re. I grew up understanding there was a subtle difference between each so I cant get the auto replace to do something I have to look at. While I do I’ll see if I can make the speech sections plainer. I thank you again for you comments, john

Having now read through this, there are times when it seems to fall into the data dump problem - the story goes so far along, then there is a slight bump in the road as things are explained, or detail added - rather than gently mixing the two together so that the reader gathers information in pieces, while enjoying the story. It's something which happens to all writers now and again. Also I feel the excitement and pacing becomes a little blunted with the length of some paragraphs. Shorter paragraphs may help to convey a sense of urgency or danger, are easily digested by the reader, and drag the reader more into the piece.

As mentioned below, it reads very much as a first draft, and will obviously have to go through a revision and tidy up process, but the important thing is that it's complete and finished. The storyline is strong, accessible and coherent - though maybe think about re-chaptering some of it to help break up the timeline and change the way the characters are moved from one scene to another.

Read and backed.

Hi John
Thanks for the comments and I’ll see what I can do with the chapter length and the data.
You’re right I should get and do some editing, and I will, eventually, but I have two other projects on the go, besides continuing Iceman, and to be honest I write for fun, and re-writing can be a bit boring. Of course if I thought there really was a chance of being a best selling author I would make time right now, but the realist in me says there is a plethora of excellent writers on Authonomy and from what I have seen very few of those get signed up, so I guess writing will probably just stay a fun thing to do, to pass time, and when my imagination fails me I really, really will get into editing

...you sounded like...why would I do that? = seems unnecessary
At times the narrative becomes too expositional, like an excerpt from a Nat Geo publication
The sory moves along at a fair old pace but the discerning reader will be put off by consistent errors in punctuation and syntax...the text would benefit hugely from astute editing and result in an excellent read...good luck with it
Stewart

thanks, john

Hi John. After reading half of Iceman yesterday, I backed it.Today I have just finished reading the rest and what can I say? This is a fantastic story... it's original and gripping in every way. I loved it and can't wait to find out what happens next!
With my Editor's hat on...................There are quite a lot of errors - spelling, grammatical, etc. And so I would suggest you take some time to really read though the text and edit as necessary. For example, you consistently spell 'loose' instead of 'lose'.
Your spelling of Julie occasionally becomes Julia.
'Were' and 'your' instead of we're and you're.
And within some of the longer narrative sections, I did get lost as to who was saying what.
But ultimately, I think you've got an awesome story here and I can easily see you becoming a bestseller!
Best of luck.
Suzy (Raven)

The gift of a double edged sword, a fantastic chance to take a trip of a lifetime and fly across the south pole,
and then end up frozen solid for years, after the plane your in, crashes with the fuselage intact. An amazing piece of flying from captain Hill, very factual and realistic, the undercarriage iced up, and balance of the aircraft is all wrong, what a rip roaring adventure.

The gift of a double edged sword, immersion into supercooled water enables some of the passengers to survive the crash and get revived later, years later. This story is truly spellbinding, especially when plane crash survior Gareth is told of the new world order, contact with aliens has been achieved, but humans have all been injected with Nanonits, that mean absolute obediance to the visitors.

Do stories get much better than Iceman, can the double edged sword get any sharper. When Gareth and others are given the mission of freeing their fellow humans from their bondage.
Excellent story backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Having now read through this, there are times when it seems to fall into the data dump problem - the story goes so far along, then there is a slight bump in the road as things are explained, or detail added - rather than gently mixing the two together so that the reader gathers information in pieces, while enjoying the story. It's something which happens to all writers now and again. Also I feel the excitement and pacing becomes a little blunted with the length of some paragraphs. Shorter paragraphs may help to convey a sense of urgency or danger, are easily digested by the reader, and drag the reader more into the piece.

As mentioned below, it reads very much as a first draft, and will obviously have to go through a revision and tidy up process, but the important thing is that it's complete and finished. The storyline is strong, accessible and coherent - though maybe think about re-chaptering some of it to help break up the timeline and change the way the characters are moved from one scene to another.

Read and backed.

Dear John --

This is a great story, well-told with characters (especially Gareth) that drive the narrative. Others have commented on the grammar/punctuation issues; you know what needs doing. But the tale is a good one that we're happy to back. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hi Deluhi, thanks for the comments and backing. I must get around to tiding up the text. While English is my native tongue its not the subject I excelled at school in. Thanks again, john

Dear John --

This is a great story, well-told with characters (especially Gareth) that drive the narrative. Others have commented on the grammar/punctuation issues; you know what needs doing. But the tale is a good one that we're happy to back. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Fantastic pitch which makes you want to read more. Very well written.
Good luck.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me.

Hi dawn, Thanks for the comments, much appreciated, john

Fantastic pitch which makes you want to read more. Very well written.
Good luck.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me.

...you sounded like...why would I do that? = seems unnecessary
At times the narrative becomes too expositional, like an excerpt from a Nat Geo publication
The sory moves along at a fair old pace but the discerning reader will be put off by consistent errors in punctuation and syntax...the text would benefit hugely from astute editing and result in an excellent read...good luck with it
Stewart

Hi John,

This is one of those stories I wish I had time to read more of. As it happens I could only read the first couple of chapter, but what action packed chapters they were!

I did find one minor error in chapter one: you have a line 'I rather you have it' where you either need to change I to I'd, or insert a 'would'. Otherwise excellent writing.

Ron

Hi Ron, well spotted, thanks for the welcome comments and thanks for the backing, john

Hi John,

This is one of those stories I wish I had time to read more of. As it happens I could only read the first couple of chapter, but what action packed chapters they were!

I did find one minor error in chapter one: you have a line 'I rather you have it' where you either need to change I to I'd, or insert a 'would'. Otherwise excellent writing.

Ron

Some people don't know how important fuel management and moving that weight around can be. I like the crisp dialogue leading into the work. Exciting read. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures & Literary Agent Blues) I also like the significant number of books listed because I appreciate the work involved in writing them. Good luck. Chuck

Hi Chuck. Thanks for your comments. I occasionally get criticized with being a little on the technical side, but like most people I usually don’t give a thought to what’s happening up front when I board a plane, train or bus, and in truth I could have missed everything out and just had the plane crash. If I had I would do disservice to the skill of all those people who carry us around.
Actually I have a few more books not on site, but I thought it may seem I was more concerned with quantity that quality, Thanks again for your comments, john

Some people don't know how important fuel management and moving that weight around can be. I like the crisp dialogue leading into the work. Exciting read. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures & Literary Agent Blues) I also like the significant number of books listed because I appreciate the work involved in writing them. Good luck. Chuck

Hi John,
This is a fascinating idea, totally unique and very interesting. I think that is enough to warrant a backing, but you also manage to write with considerable skill - Shelved.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Hi James, I’ve had a long day at work and to arrive back and read your message brightened my whole evening, thanks, john

Hi John,
This is a fascinating idea, totally unique and very interesting. I think that is enough to warrant a backing, but you also manage to write with considerable skill - Shelved.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Hi there, having read your first chapter and then finding myself unable to stop reading, I have to say that you have a great premise here and I am intrigued as to how it is going to pan out. Very descriptive writing and you have that spark that I one day hope to find myself.

Congrats on a great piece of work.

Regards

David ('Kingdom Rise' & 'Beyond - Volume One')

Hi David, I’m flattered by your comments, I thank you and hope the story lives up to your expectations, john

Hi there, having read your first chapter and then finding myself unable to stop reading, I have to say that you have a great premise here and I am intrigued as to how it is going to pan out. Very descriptive writing and you have that spark that I one day hope to find myself.

Congrats on a great piece of work.

Regards

David ('Kingdom Rise' & 'Beyond - Volume One')

Hi John, you certainly have a talent when it comes to describing events. I could feel the terror as the plane was forced to crash land in hostile conditions.Your description of the plight of the passengers is first class. I will get back to further readings.
I have noticed your other book "Subterranean" which focuses on a the village of Houghton-On-The-Hill which is about 20 miles from where I live, this will be interesting being so close by and I look forward to reading it.
Before then, it comes to mind as to why you picked this location, but can see that you have been there. Any way I shall be reading it a.s.p.

Kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

Hi Neville, thanks for the welcome comments on Iceman, I hope I haven’t put you off flyingJ
It was interesting to hear that you live so close to Houghton. It’s a small world.
As for Subterranean the book it’ due for a re-write after I upload the first part of Iceman two.
Yes I know Houghton, I used to have a drinking buddy from there in the early 60s, that was long after Bushby hall had been demolished. The last time I was there was in 95 but couldn’t locate the site again, john

Hi John, you certainly have a talent when it comes to describing events. I could feel the terror as the plane was forced to crash land in hostile conditions.Your description of the plight of the passengers is first class. I will get back to further readings.
I have noticed your other book "Subterranean" which focuses on a the village of Houghton-On-The-Hill which is about 20 miles from where I live, this will be interesting being so close by and I look forward to reading it.
Before then, it comes to mind as to why you picked this location, but can see that you have been there. Any way I shall be reading it a.s.p.

Kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

Iceman opens in a very exciting and dramatic fashion with the realistically detailed plane crash. The tension mounts as the pilot brings the plane into land on the ice field and the undercarraige is frozen in place. The wheels exploding and the rims ploughing furrows in the ice, the terrified passengers, the panic; it's all very easy to visualise and feel. With the opening and the pitch this promises to be a hell of a ride.
There may be the occasional apostrophe missing but nothing to serious. The 1st chap is rather long and might benefit from being split in two, say after the engines go on fire which would make a nice hook into the next chap and give the reader the chance to draw breath.

John O'Brien - Other Face

Have backed it on the Pitch, but I intend to read it as its the sort of story that I like and looks very good.
SHELVED.

Regards,
Neville (The Secrets Of The forest) Thanks for your backing.

Thanks Neville, I hope the story lives up to the pitch for you, if it does I will be uploading the first chapters of book two, Iceman-Vengeance in the next few days, john

Have backed it on the Pitch, but I intend to read it as its the sort of story that I like and looks very good.
SHELVED.

Regards,
Neville (The Secrets Of The forest) Thanks for your backing.

Hi
This is great. Your characters are well rounded and your story unfolds well.

I would say there was a little too much...'Well, yes...no, I don't know' going on early in the chapter. Too much like real dialogue rather than realistic dialogue.
Also I thought the first chapter would benefit with a little editing out in para 'Probably the greatest part of Gareth's.....'. I've read 4 chapters. I was fascinated to keep on reading as each chapter revealed another mystery.
Shelved.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
Cheers Olga

I have to say that I didn't expect this to be so good when I saw how many books you have posted. I thought it would be hastily done but it isn't at all. Your writing is clean and easy to read, and the story itself flows well and got me involved right away. I especially like the use of italics and something of an aside to describe the events that Gareth isn't aware of - things that will bring about his death. It's very gripping. Happily backed.

Hi D.L. Thanks for the backing and comments. Actually I never gave quality a thought, but I have begun to think maybe I should retire a few, at least for a while, thanks again for your very welcome comments, john

I have to say that I didn't expect this to be so good when I saw how many books you have posted. I thought it would be hastily done but it isn't at all. Your writing is clean and easy to read, and the story itself flows well and got me involved right away. I especially like the use of italics and something of an aside to describe the events that Gareth isn't aware of - things that will bring about his death. It's very gripping. Happily backed.

Backed.

Hi Lindsay, thanks for backing Iceman, reciprocated, john

Backed.

A real page turner. Nice nice
backed

Thank you yasmin, john

A real page turner. Nice nice
backed

What a nail-biter! I wish I was able to read more, time doesn't allow. I can only imagine how this unfolds.

Very well-written and descriptive and worthy of my backing

Good Luck
Denise

Thanks for the wonderful comments Denise, john

What a nail-biter! I wish I was able to read more, time doesn't allow. I can only imagine how this unfolds.

Very well-written and descriptive and worthy of my backing

Good Luck
Denise

Time travel of sorts to the intriguing backdrop of subjugation by aliens - quite an interesting world you set. Enjoyable!

Good luck,
John Wickey
Future's End

Thanks John, john

John,
You have a good premise here. Unfortunately you do yourself a disservice with your grammar and punctuation. The grammatical errors take away from the story.
Agents and editors today want to do minimal work, and you have a good deal of editing to do.
A few suggestions: Limit the number of semi-colons. When commas won’t do, use separate sentences. Limit (to be) and its derivatives, try to eliminate or reduce the use of (almost, already, down), and other words you tend to favour.
Study a book geared towards aspiring writers and extract what is most important to you. The storyline and technical aspects of writing are intertwined. Unfortunately for us, the former is so much easier.
That said, writing is difficult, though critiquing is worse. I hope I’ve brought at least minimal value to your next revision.
James Barrett,
Family Lies
Mother of Pearl

Hi James your comments are much appreciated and taken to mind for the next revision. I have written before that I firmly believe Authonomies greatest strength is in the cooperation and feedback we receive, and it gives me a terrific boost to know that others enjoy the worlds I take them to. For this I am extremely grateful and I will strive and continue to improve this and the other stories I have written.
That said we all have different aspirations and realities, and like many people my age I have come to terms with the person I am. That person is as a storyteller and not an author. Of course that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be wonderful to get onto the HC desk, and from there to being published, having the book made into a movie, earning oodles of royalties, and having a piece of eye candy on my arm, but there I am again into fantasy. Publishing isn’t fantasy, its reality, and publishers run a business where unknowns are a big risk to the bottom line. The cold hard truth is that while Iceman may one day get a star, it will fade. Personally I am not disheartened at the prospect as my ultimate goal is beyond the HC desk. But it leaves the problem of what do I do, spend every minute working on making Iceman absolutely and untouchably perfect, or get the story written. Once I have six copies printed off to pass down to my grandchildren, I can move on to finish Iceman two, then book seven of my Return series, more of the 143 day diary from my overland days, and expand and continue a couple of others that wait in rough form.
Thanks again for your comments, they are valued, appreciated, and I will do what I can with the next draft, but I’m sixty-five, time is running out and I have much to complete.
Famous author I wont be, and maybe there wont be faded photos of an old guy with a cute chick on his arm, but maybe my grandchildren will remember me as a prolific and hopefully good storyteller.
john