Mute

This is really vivid, good stuff! I'm enjoying it so far, and I can see why it is getting published. I do see some areas I would edit, if it were me. I'm going to add your book to my Really Worth Reading thread.

'...shook his head in short spurts.' I've never associated the words 'shook his head' with 'spurts'

'He abruptly stood back up. He took a few deep breaths.' The two beginning 'He' in a row makes this jarring, so maybe just 'He abruptly stood back up and took a few deep breaths.'

'...absent of any funeral parlor magic.' Awkward, so I would probably do something like, '...without any funeral...'

The 'serial killers work in a pattern' part seemed out of place. What makes him suddenly consider serial killers here? The Mexican drug cartel stuff seemed a more reasonable guess.

'Those looked like murders three...' seems to be it would be 'These looked like...'

Stretch marks on lower back? Maybe this can be true...I've only ever seen stretch marks on bellies. Plus stretch marks can come from someone losing a lot of weight, like a buddy of mine did.

'Those tracks didn't go far' I would use 'The tracks didn't go far' or even just 'They didn't go far', since you used 'tracks' in the previous sentence.

The paragraph that begins, 'Hearing a rustling...' uses Kane's name too many times. Act;ually, I'd check the 'Kane' use throughout and scale it back a bit because I'm seeing it all over now that I'm looking for it.

How does he know for sure she is an illegal immigrant, or is this your way of showing he makes such assumptions? There are a ton of Mexicans in the US legally.

Hope this helps a little!
Ted

Brian,
My in-laws live in the Orlando area used to have a beach place in Indian River so I happen to know the area you're describing. In addition, I have a very good friend has a child with selective mutism. Small world, huh?

Overall I'm impressed with Mute's pacing and you're great at using language to describe events and settings. One thing I noticed is that you use first names for some characters and last names for others. I know that using last names is a journalism convention, but it's odd in fiction.

In my opinion, you may want to read your dialogue aloud, though, because some of it is stilted (i.e., She's endured more pain today than most people have in a lifetime). With such colorful characters to begin with, it could push them over the edge to characterture.

Below are some specific nits that, as a reader, took me out of the flow of reading when I encountered them:
• Why does Kane think it's not OK to go deer hunting while the family is in church but it's OK to go fishing? Not sure what the distinction is. Perhaps you just don't need that reference?
• Watcher's hair should be "A" shock, not "THE" shock unless you're referring to someone's hair in particular.
• Just my opinion, but it's really creepy that Kane is speculating whether a corpse's ass would be hot while she would have been alive. Creepy enough that I might not keep reading.
• Why wouldn't Kane have called 911 or his buddy upon finding the bodies? Even if he fancied himself a tough guy, rules about disturbing crime scenes are pretty well known
• Women can get stretch marks from a lot of things besides childbirth so not sure the reasoning works.
• What was he basing his estimation on for how long the shoe had been out. Did it look clean? Had it rained recently but the shoe was dry?
• Grief had shell shocked the poor girl would be better as "The poor girl was shell shocked by grief" (active vs. passive voice)
• "snatched their heads off" sounds like the heads were removed quickly/carelessly, which doesn't appear to be the case. New verb needed? Sliced? Took?
• Moni and her special training could be simplified to Moni's special training.
• You have Moni reflecting on how Sneed needs to show some respect for her twice. You only need it once. And since she helps him before he does it, you may want to eliminate "he better swallow his racial pride before asking for her help"
• How does Moni know that the girl had a perfect home that had sheltered her from every bit of pain before they know the first thing about the family?
• How would a strong self-image help someone hide tears? Perhaps a strong sense of survival or a self-image as a survivor?
• Would Snell really scream at Moni about getting the girl to talk while the traumatized girl is in her arms? That doesn't seem realistic no matter how badly he needs information....If he does say, it you may want to indicate that he says it to Moni's ear or really quietly so that the girl won't hear.
• I found the description of the social worker's chest as double-Ds to be offensive. That language is fine if it's from a character who is supposed to be coarse, but shouldn't be part of the descriptive narrative.
• Does a juvenile judge have to sign off on Sneed TALKING to the child or TESTIFYING. It says the latter and that seems like he's jumped the gun as bit.
• "bringing to much controversial pub" doesn't make sense. Maybe it's a typo for publicity?
• In the 6th para of Chapter 4, "in wooden blocks McKinley's" you're missing the period between sentences.
• Fax machines aren't used too widely any more. Your younger readers may not be familiar enough with the image to get the reference.
• Dr. talks about putting Mariella in a specialized facility, yet Moni's head goes right to foster homes. I assumed McKinley was talking about an inpatient facility based on her condition and word choice. If that's not the case, then you may want to amend your description of the environment she needs.
• At the end of the first section of Chapter 4, I'm confused over where Mariella is placed. Moni thinks that she doesn't offer a good home and the psychologist says that Moni can see her daily under his care. However then Tanya says that she can stay with Moni in protective custody? Chain of events isn't clear to me here.
• you have Gomez' but nothing after the apostrophe when discussing the corpses in the second part of Chapter 4
• Her friend would have "bawled" tears not "balled"
Take them or leave them. Either way, I hope you find some of the helpful.
Best,
Melissa

Very impressively written. One could argue Skillings and Sneed are a bit stereotypical rednecks character wise. But it's seen so subtly that it doesn't hinder what is a solidly pace story with great, unique characters. I love the fragile strength that you've brought out with Moni as well as the little girl in the middle of all this. One of the few handful of books I've read on this site that I could see possibly adapted into a film someday. 5 stars

Hi Brian,
I am puzzled as to why you call the 1st part of your book 'prologue' when it leads straight into Ch 1. I found the language used difficult but that is probably because I am a Brit. But I enjoyed your gritty style of writing - fluffy writing for a thriller doesn't do it for me! So high stars. Rob

Hi Brian

As well as reading the actual books here on Authonomy I also like to read the comments and herein lies the problem; there's so much praise for your prologue yet it won't load up for me!

Putting that aside I decided to press on and read chapters 1 through 3 and, as has been said many a time, they are well written, the characterisation is strong, and the story is compelling. This is particularly the case when trying to come up with ideas, all of which will no doubt be way off the mark, of how the brutal murders tie in with the tumours found on the local wildlife, it all makes the reader more inclined to read on. Not just to find out what is going on, but also to see if they can unravel the mystery before the writer unveils it.

Having said that I did feel that something was missing. Perhaps the story does need that prologue to really get its hooks into the reader. Or perhaps I'm only missing it, and feel that I'm missing out, because I know it should be there and that it has been so well received.

With that in mind I think the best thing to do will be to return at some point and read the prologue so as to better understand the story as you intend it to be presented. That isn't to take anything away from the skill you have displayed in the chapters I have read, it's just that I think it best to read things as the author has intended them to be read.

Well done on getting published, and highly starred.

James

Hi Brian--
I'm here to return the read. First, congratulations on finding a publisher.
I read through the prologue and first chapter and part of chapter 2, and this is as I mentioned earlier exactly my kind of story. I like your quirky, ole-boy character Kane in the first chapter--nicely developed--and the start of the story through his curmudgeonly eyes. I also appreciated how the little girl seemed to intuit the abuse Moni had suffered when she herself was a child. That was well-done.
As a journalist myself, I've had to learn to dispense with AP style at times for the rules of fiction. This is more of a question, but don't we normally see numbers spelled out in fiction: sixteen years, man in his fifties, etc.?
Also, several times you referred to a female officer as Skillings and a couple times as Skilling.
Where Moni thinks "I should have protected mom," I would initial-cap Mom in this context.
Where you say "She didn't say a word or even whine" I think "even cry" works better.
Six stars, and a STRONG candidate for my shelf as soon as my prior commitments are achieved and a space is available. Good show, bro.
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Well written book with very good story. Strong charrecters, moni, mariella and Aron. Good way of communication you made, very suitable for the children and under the sitaution. Your imagination is very sharp and drametical. A long story with alots of entertaining events. Well written. 5 stars.

Have read first four chapters and find Mute to be well-written as I expected with someone of your background. i also feel you have done some detailed research. Will read on. jack hudson

This is a very good book, you have a clear knack for characterization and also a writing style that I find very appealing. This is one of the books I'd probably buy if I saw it in a bookstore somewhere. All in all I think this one is very good and I'm glad I got to read it. I've given you 6 stars.

Good Luck,
Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Brian,
Just finished the eighteen posted here. Very excellent. I'm sure with the right exposure it'll be published sooner or later. I'd be interested in reading more of your material. I'm sure we'll be hearing about you. You're writing is professional and thorough. I especially like the relationship between Moni and Mariella. The parallels spot on. Best of luck. If you get a moment I was hoping on some feed back on SERVED COLD.. I was pushing this and lost touch with website. It is very edgy and graphic thriller about a serial killer in Boston area. I'd appreciate any feedback
M

Brian-
This is right up my alley on more than one level. I read your short pitch and then the book and was reminded of Koontz, so when I read your long pitch I felt vindicated. The writing is very professional and all of the story lines sucked me in. I'm actually a Brevard County veteran, myself (graduated from Titusville High, worked at the Space Center (visitor complex at least)) so I am well familiar with the area and you did a good job of bringing it to life.
There were a few metaphors that seemed a little out of place to me (tray of glasses breaking on a club floor for instance), but that is solely personal opinion.
All in all this is one of the best reads I've had in my short time on the site. It is next to be added to my bookshelf.
Much success-
Red

{Mute} – Brian Bandell
*A complete summary*

There is something for everyone in Brian’s writing. Such a well-written book, I think it will appeal to a huge audience range.

Gristly murders are contrasted with childhood innocence. Painful memories of abuse are balanced perfectly by the relationship we see developing between Moni and Mariella, making us smile despite the terrors they have witnessed. The scientific touches are well researched, and when the curious sci-fi twist blends into the story, it feels natural and believable.

Fresh and original, some of my favourite unique touches include “Had someone shifted the Bemuda Triangle a little north?” ; the description of Randy Cooper’s yellow-brown eyes “that seemed as hyped up as a cheetah’s before it springs in for the kill.”; ‘dots were laid out on the page for her in little purple bacteria mushrooms.’

Another of Brian’s skills is his characterisation. Each character, however minor, brings something new to the story. They are all rounded human beings, and though we may not like a personality (such as the unpleasant Sneed!), we can understand his way of thinking!

I loved Mrs Mint’s observations of Mariella – and how she reflects on how the girl used to be. The contrast created is excellent. I also like the slightly dark undercurrents that develop as the story unravels… for example how Moni perhaps handles the separation from the girl worse – slightly suggestive that she also has more selfish motivations for caring for her.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about the scientists in the lagoon – this thread provided some respite from the brutal murder scenes, and heavy emotional chapters. At first, the significance wasn’t obvious and the reader just relaxed a little – after that grisly opening! But as the story progressed, the mystery developed… Making these chapters just as tense and exciting. This was excellent, and a very fresh twist to the story. It is also good how Brian gradually brings in the sci-fi elements. Because the reader has grown to love the characters and the thrilling plot, I am confident that even non-sci-fi readers will continue to enjoy the story!

Each chapter finishes with a hook, but at no point did this feel forced. Brian knows exactly how to leave readers hanging, hungry for more. I can’t wait until I can buy this in store and find out how it all ends!

----

Brian, I don’t know if you have the chance to make any more changes before publication, but I spotted a few tiny points! They are so minor that either way it shouldn’t matter :)

Chapter 3
I think father needs capitalization to be ‘Hi Father’ → Moni is addressing him, so in this case it is a proper noun

Chapter 6
Perhaps ‘It happened during recess.’ → ‘in recess’ read for me a little odd

Saw the comment about the raven on the windshield; but chapter 9 you say ‘back windshield’ so it is clear. It is also clear from you saying the ‘rear window’ so I don’t think there is confusion…

Chapter 9
Should be ‘blonde’ woman not ‘blond woman’ (in freckle-faced blond woman), because of the feminine gender, need to accord the adjective
;)
Cara

Wonderful writing. Congrats on publication. I've read the first five chapters you have here and like it so far. I am interested to see where these characters go. One small item in ch 5. She sees the raven in her rearview, but you have her plucking it off the windshield. To me that connotes the front window. Other than that spot on writing. Best of luck.
M Cirillo
SERVED COLD

Wow, I've read the prologue and just started reading the first chapter and it's very, very good. I will be back after reading your entire story. You write as though you've been writing for centuries, absolutely wonderful! I love how your words place the images in my mind and how I already feel like I know Matt Kane, how he thinks and what makes him tick. EXCELLENT work!

This is very good. In all honesty that pretty much sums it up. Very good. This is one of the few books I have read here that I would genuinely pay to buy in bookshop. In fact I am debating how much more to read because you say there is only 2/5 up here and I don't want to get so drawn in and not know the ending.

I like your style, your dry sense of humour appeals to me. Without the use of heavy descriptive prose you bring the scenes very vividly to life and your characterisation is spot on, from mysognist and racist detectives to wet eared scientists they are all interesting people who I can believe have a life outside that which I am reading.

Definitely backed and good luck. This deserves to go far.

I read the first chapter before reading your pitch, so I assumed the story was a straight crime novel. I was thinking; if this isn’t published, what chance do the rest of us have? (Then I read the pitch etc.) I'm not qualified to judge work other than to just about recognise the difference between good and bad. However, I know when that green eyed monster stirs (in the nicest possible sense), I know that I’m reading something very good… I’m giving yours six stars on the assumption that the plot pans out. I’m also sending you a friend request so that you can let me know when it is published and in what format. If you maintain this quality I’m sure you have a rosy future ahead of you. James

A well written, intense story. I had to pull myself away after four chapters and get some work done. Having been in law enforcement and done investigations I strongly relate to this story. It doesn't have some of the failings that most do, suggesting that the writer has either done a lot of research or been in LE himself. This story has put me back in "cop" mode and I have some suspicions as to the perp, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone else. A great read, backed and starred. - Gao Zuojia
Though it's somewhat lighter than Mute, would you read my work, Kailai and the Dragon Prince and provide any constructive criticism you might have.

Ive just read the first page of 'Mute' and i must read on, its well written, and i cant wait to read more of this book.
Ellen Michelle :)

Great chapter Brian. You provided just enough science, DNA transcriptase and etc., not to put people off or asleep. You weaved the internal thoughts of Aaron Hughes and Dr. Swartzman with their dialogue well. I know your story focuses on environmental pollution and radiation's effects on the 35,000 base pairs in the genome of the turtle. Maybe a little more explanation of the mechanism DNA uses to further solidify the story. Tension, hooks, and fore shadowing were good too.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

"Mute" is very well written. The prose and dialogue read smoothly and keep a steady pace without bogging the reader down with excessive information. The story is fascinating and fresh, and packed tight with no obvious holes. There is an even amount of mystery and science, and the characters are well defined the moment they are introduced. What I've read I've enjoyed immensely and will be coming back to finish. Definitely BACKED and starred high.

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

The Prologue sets the lure like Kane's shrimp, Hooking us in with one swift tug of the line. Very good descriptions: the surroundings and local habitat, the finding of the bodies their state and the chase of the child all extremely well written.
Chapter 1: Good descriptives, flows well and leads us forward nicely. Good story telling well written.
Christian. Highly rated and shall return to see where this story is going.

Hi Brian. I’ve only been to Florida once, but your descriptions of riding on the skiff in the prologue and zipping around the mangroves really stood out to me in a great way. I feel like I’m back in Ft. Lauderdale and Key Largo looking at “environments where carbonate deposits form” (aka snorkeling and looking at the coral). :-D (Really Random, I know—but I love your setting descriptions! Really accurate, beautifully vivid. The little mangrove islands are perfect!).

I love this image: “Kane swerved his skiff around the floating fruit cup of a boat…”

Kane is super obnoxious—I dislike him much and hope he gets eaten. Well done showing his character! I also like how you move between POVs from chapter to chapter. It gives a nice, broad perspective on the situation. It kind of reminds me of Michael Crichton’s technique for his stories.

This also has a great plot-driven feel to it.

What a great setup in the prologue for a murder/horror mystery—two beheaded bodies and a little girl who can’t talk because of the trauma. Fascinating.

Great job. Highly starred.

Congrats on getting published with Silver Leaf. That’s great news! Keep up the good work. :-)

-Sarah E.S.
(Destiny of Species)

Hi Brian,

I've just read the first chapter and really like it so far. You get straight to the story and draw out the character of Kane. I'm also intrigued by the young girl he encounters and it makes me want to read more, her relationship with the snake more so than the dead bodies.
I hit the library once a week and don't read half of what I pick up. You kept me interested and I'll keep reading.

best wishes

Chris

Hi Brian,

I read four chapters plus the prologue, and I took notes on each one.

Prologue

I liked Kane's voice, the snarky sort of hillbilly humor he'd got going on. But, I knew from the start that he wouldn't be a main character, just some poor bastard who'd stumble upon the bodies. I don't know if it's common for many murder-mystery stories to start that way, but it sure is the norm for shows like Law and Order. It's not really a big cause for concern for me, but it seemed a little predictable. In any case, it was a good prologue, just a little bit lengthy.

Chapter 1

'snatched' their heads off sounds strange when describing a beheading. The heads aren't snatched off so much as lopped off, but again, that may just be me. One part I loved was when you described the officers surrounding Sneed as a 'blue wall'. Brilliant. You do a good job making Moni a likeable and sympathetic MC, what with Sneed's obvious racism (I did think some of his racist comments were sort of funny, though, haha) and the abuse you tell us her father subjected her to- but I think you could have held off on telling us about that for a little while. It seemed a bit too early, and it sort of pulled me out of the story. I was interested in her getting Mariella to respond to her, but when Moni remembered her father's abuse it sort of distracted me. Again, maybe that's just me, but I think it would have been better if told later, perhaps in the second chapter.
Another thing that sort of threw me is the way Moni calls Mariella 'baby'. I have never heard anyone call a child 'baby' if it wasn't their own. I'd think 'sweetie' or something like that would work better....who knows.

Chapter 2

Immediately I thought it was strange that turtle tumors would have anything to do with a murder mystery novel, but I'm sure if I kept at reading it, it would make sense in the end. It did get me wondering if perhaps there would be a sort of paranormal vibe to the story, and I did like how I got to see a different view of the "Watcher".

Chapter 3

You did an excellent yet disgusting job of detailing the vivisection of the bodies. It grossed me the hell out, but it was intriguing, the way this killer is decapitating his victims and drawing organs out through the gaping hole. I can also see the growing attachment Mariella has to Moni, and it did make me want to keep reading.


Overall, I think your characterizations are the strongest part of this work, even characters I only briefly saw, like Kane and the Professor in the second chapter. It seems to me to be a more character-driven, less literary novel. It is an intriguing plot so far, and I can tell it's been written by someone who is not new to the writing game. That being said, I'm not sure there are a whole lot of pointers I can give someone who is clearly a more seasoned writer than yours truly, but I hope my feedback was at least worth something to you. I'll back it because the plot is so interesting, and I know from what I read it's shaping up to be a great novel.

Melissa

This is a fascinating read with a fusion weave of thriller Sci-Fi and action and I see a touch of adventure. Well done and expertly written. I enjoyed Kane he had to be someone you related to in the past I assume, well done Brain.

Pavin

Hi Brian,

This is an intriguing and original plot which is definitely worth publishing. I love the descriptive language though I think potentially there are some issues with the POV narration in the beginning (tone of voice), however maybe this is just because I favour the omniscient narrator. I also like the deer scattered before a shotgun metaphor but am not sure that everyone will find this work.

On my shelf,

Best, Rob

I have always been a fan of X files since long and Mute is a book with a gripping story with talking charachters and gives the readers a sense of direction. It seems that the book is a published version of X Files. The story is believable and i am awarding highest stars to it and adding it to my WL for backing.

Brian,

Your work is a delight to read. Polished and original, you set your scene well and fill it with many fresh descriptions! The opening is gripping, and I had read the prologue and two chapters before I knew it. I especially love the connection that you create between Moni and the girl, and the imagery of them ‘like two alley cats riding out a hurricane under a simple palm frond.’ This part was very moving.


I liked the change of focus in the second chapter. Not only does it make the reader keep reading (intrigued by the events so far), it also adds depth to your work and sets it apart from just being another crime, detective story. You also finish your chapters well, hooking the reader in and dragging them to read more.


I’m so glad that this is getting published. 6 stars and I’ll definitely be reading more soon!


Now to a few little comments, I hope you will find them usefull… : )


When Kane sees the shoe and thinks ‘he should have known by the stretch marks on the dead woman’s lower back’… I was wondering if you think it actually would be possible to see them, given that the bodies have been in the water, and all bloated like dead bodies are. I just wonder?

When you go into the section about ‘Little Moni’, I have a small note on your tense. You begin the paragraph that she ‘had cowered in fear…’ So in the next sentence, I would write that ‘she would spend hours’ instead of just ‘she spent hours’.

I’d also maybe like a bit more description on the way Sneed speaks, for example “Well done, Williams,’ said Sneed, who allowed her that one moment of satisfaction… I think maybe you could capture his personality slightly better. These sort of people generally have a smug, arrogant sneer to their voices - so if you established this, then him ‘allowing her this one moment of satisfaction’ with this comment can be more of a contrast.


That’s it for the moment, all the best!
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

OK, I read the first two chapters, and I gotta say, you have a definite knack of making me want to read more. A very nice 6 stars from me, my good sir :)

Brian,

Great prologue! I read through chapter—

—and you hooked me.

So I’m at chapter 5 right now and thought I’d better leave a comment; as I could keep going for a while yet, and I don’t think I’d be able to give you any meaningful crit - so would probably just ramble on about how good it is (which, I concede, may already be happening). Great suspense, very natural character interaction, incredibly hooky plot. It would make a fantastic film (thriller) me thinks.

In summary; I was going to say that I’m surprised this isn’t published yet; but you’ve got that covered too! So well done Sir. An easy 6 stars. And I’ll be backing soon.

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

cool intro - probably just call it chapter one instead of prologue

nice dramatic tension st up early. characters talking, dialogue revealing who they ar more than descriptions, good. Toen and style kept interest, lots of foreshadowing going on 'nature gets revenge' themes etc, gives the reader a hook and a sense of direction.

MUTE certainly carries and interesting concept. I've always been a fan of the X-files and anything like it.
The prologue here does it's job well. It's attention grabbing and plunges the reader right into the story. You do a great job with character development. But in the case of Moni--she's supposed to be the sympathetic one, having to deal with racism and a past marred by child abuse--I had a hard time connecting to her. She didn't seem as richly drawn as the others, mainly in dialogue.

You have a great knack for descriptive analogies. Some of them were both surprising and extremely creative. But be careful with these. In rapid succession the reader has to take in comparisons of alley cats in a hurricane, a backpack, a Hummer, slick tile and a porcelain vase, cooking (tossing a girl in flames), coat, grapes to raisins, and a hypnotized snake. The effect can be visually dizzying. Sometimes less is more.

A couple of things were kind of confusing when I read. "IF this happened every time she saw a victim, she couldn't function as an officer. The ghoulish memories ALWAYS knocked, but Moni kept them fenced...." Starting the sentence with 'if' made me think that the memories didn't plague her at work. Then right after that, I read that the memories always bothered her.

The other thing was--"She didn't dare ask him for a bandage to stop her bleeding...because he took it as an invitation to inflict more pain on his, "whiny little bitch." The wording of that sentence might work better as something like, "...because he took it as an invitation to inflict more pain on (her), his "whiny little bitch."

All and all, your writing is very sharp and neat. Your style will appeal to a lot of people. It kinda reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk. Actually, thinking about it, your writing reminds me a lot of Chuck Palahniuk. Congrats on getting this published!

Eden

Hi Brian,

I have to be honest and tell you, I actually read the opening of Mute sometime ago and remember it very well. It grabbed me right from the off. I was there with Kane in his boat skimming up the estuary.

One of the reasons I think your opening works so well is because of the quality descriptions. You get it just right. And because you stay so well in his pov- from the tangle with the lagoon watcher we really get to know how his mind works – the graphic scenes of the body discoveries are even more... graphic.

Think you could neaten up the opening of chapter one. The first sentence was over long. Maybe moving the full stop to after “park” and starting a new sentence with... Her Ford Taurus brandished a etc. The final line of that paragraph came over to me as clunky too. But it might just be a regional dialect thing. I wanted to read the “never shattered” as – didn't get shattered.

The same with this. It could be just a dialect you're trying to get over, but I'll mention it anyway.
The para starting with “Moni sucked in a deep breath” appeared to have a mix of tenses which slowed the flow of the reading. Also, it could have done with a full stop after “white” and a new sentence started with “They gave her...”

“Lead detective Sneed” was in the wrong tense. Should have been Sneed'd put his team on this case. “Neither did” should have been “Neither had” The following sentence could have been tighter as well.

No matter what anyone says, racism exists and probably always will do – where-ever you are in the world. Your characters were acting one hundred percent naturally and very in-line with the area you set your story in.

What a line this was – with the gaze of a crippled angel searching for the ladder back to heaven. It didn't need decorating with 'intently' – which in fact detracted from the strength of the sentence. Then I could have slapped you for going into flashback right in the middle of that delicate scene. Understood where you were coming from, but think it could have waited for a more appropriate moment.

Enjoyed the change of tack back to the water and with new characters in three. Very nicely done. Though in some places I smiled, you're about as good at commas as me. If I ask if turtles have jugulars, you'll know which one I mean. There were a few others, but as I mentioned before – commas just ain't my forté. (Guess I was really getting into the story, right about now).

In three... the sentence starting Moni discovered... would have been better ended at – their identification cards on the bodies. The rest didn't sit well. Made them sound like something less than human.

Sometimes you slip in things which are so seriously surprising. This caught me completely off guard- “she'd spent too much time polishing the rims of her man-childs ride.” It reminded me too much of the type of dialogue which would come out of the mouths of some American Negroes I know from Mississipi. With hindsight, I wished Mona had spoken them. You had plenty of opportunity to drop in a question from Tanya on the subject. It could've gone...

“You got kids?”

“Hell, no,” Mona laughed. “Spent too long polishing my man-child's ride.”

Forgive me for that, but the dialect seems to be taking over!! That's what you get for creating good characters.

As you can see, I've read and dissected as far as chapter four. If I didn't have other commitments, I'd still be with you. It's the type of story I really enjoy reading and would be proud to have on my bookshelf.

Any chance of a signed copy when you've gone to print?

Hi Brian,

I don't see your book on the Crime/Thriller reading group, but since it falls in that category, I used that template.

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Mute
Author: Brian Bandell

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[8] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[8] Enjoyment
[8] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[8] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[8] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[7] Coherent / Order
[8] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[6] Cover Design (The girl in the picture looks older than your main character, I would love to see an artist's rendition of a little girl standing in the swamp, where they found her.)
[6] Pitch (It seemed to tell too much of the story. Just the main idea about the girl being traumatized by her parent's murders and the sympathetic officer would have drawn me in.)

Rating: 5 stars

Comments: I enjoyed the first three chapters. It definitely is a book that I would be interested in reading.

There were a few impressions that confused me as I read:

The mention of Melbourne made me think that the story was set in Australia, not the US. Maybe you could add a mention of Florida for readers who are not that familiar with that area of the country.

The first chapter spent quite a bit of effort setting up Kane as a redneck who didn't care about the environment, not sure whether he comes back later in the story, if not, it would probably increase the suspense in the first chapter if he weren't such a focus. And, just reading chapters one through three, it felt funny that one and two concentrate on the murders and introducing the child and Moni, but then three goes to completely new characters and a sub-theme of environmental issues with the turtle. (You can totally ignore this comment if Kane re-appears in later chapters and the Professor and his student do as well.)

A few sentences/paragraphs were structured such that I had to re-read them to be sure of the meaning:

"They had wrapped their nearest arms around their waists." clearer as, "Their arms were wrapped around each other's waists." or something to that effect.

The description of the grandmother at the funeral ends with the sentence "The sight had hammered home her abscence." Which sight, the sight of the grandmother at the funeral home, or the two bodies floating?

Also, would someone finding bodies floating and obviously dead touch them like he does to turn them over? Wouldn't they realize that they could be disturbing forensic evidence? Then when he drops the body back, he apparently realizes it is a serial killer, but the transition to how he knows (from playing cards with the Sheriff) could flow better.

Overall, an enjoyable read! As you see by my ratings, I definitely think it is publishable, based on these first three chapters. Hopefully my comments are of some use, ignore them if you think others won't have the same impressions.

J. T. Carroll

I really like this. I think it has a very good beginning and after reading the prologue and the first chapter,
I'm intrigued enough that I would keep reading. It's usually not my kind of read, but it makes me think of those CSI or Law and Order shows, and I think, from what I read, that the story is believable, and I actually quite like it. I will try to read a bit more soon :)

You have a nice, clean style that is most of the time easy to read. I would suggest narrowing the POV to Moni, Mariella, and the detective (Aaron). The teacher's view (Mrs. Mint) on things could be shared with Moni in the classroom via dialogue without putting us inside Mint's head for five minutes. No need to invest that much psychology in the teacher. She's pure stock, not dynamic, so stay out of her head.

This needs a good slice-and-dice edit by someone who is ruthless and loves the work at the same time, someone with a scalpel who can carve it up and leave the treasure alone. I read several chapters including the later ones and found myself wishing I could gaze comfortably from someone's vantage point in a single section or chapter without shifting POV in mid-paragraph. Staying inside someone's head (as you often do, and that's when it gets interesting) would give us a deeper shaft of consciousness to mine in the midst of the action. For example, it's more intriguing to see what Moni thinks of Mrs. Mint's classroom, her appearance, her apparent trepidation at having her long-lost student return as opposed to having us mill around in Mint's shallow head (no disrespect -- I'm a teacher) to glean less important observations. What characters think about what is happening is relevant, even sacrosanct, and your writing would take on a power unparalleled if you made fidelity to character-psyche/POV your goal in writing for a while.

Having said all of that, I have read much of Mute and would recommend it to anyone to read. I also think it would make a much more interesting television drama than most of the stuff on the tube these days. You've successfully combined eco-crime, a bit of paranormal, and CSI-style murder investigation in an interesting part of Florida rarely served up for the public consumption. It's a beautiful part of the state that would be welcome relief from the constant use of Miami as the location of choice for crime dramas.

Much luck and congrats on your publication.

Memphis Girl (Lisa)

Hope this helps.

Firstly, I am fascinated by the premise of Mute. I appreciate that you keep the action well placed (and paced) within vivid settings without bogging down in detail.

The relationship between Moni and Mariella is a breath of sanity within a sea of neurotics and psychopaths. Given these two’s life experiences, you would think they are the ones who would grate your moral nerve endings, but it’s the other way around. I love it when they first meet, and Mariella reaches out to Moni, as though she has a sixth sense for her suffering. It’s a much needed, well timed, touching moment.

Your third person past tense narrative voice for the most part makes observations in a matter-of-fact (uncolored) third person manner, “The child immediately leaned her head against her shoulder.” which keeps it distinct from the characters (who are all quite colorful in their expression)… no confusion there, but at times it slips into a more earthy, back-woods tone, “The grumbling detective crossed his arms and glared at Moni something fierce.” or “The agent got right in the detective’s face like nobody’s business.” I think “…something fierce.” and “…like nobody’s business.” feel more ‘first person’ than third. I start looking for a first person POV (who is this?) when there shouldn’t be one. It feels as though the narrator has been overly influenced by the characters.


And occasionally you offer analogies that feel a bit cumbersome. “Moni felt as if she were walking across slick tile carrying a porcelain vase atop her head.”

“…a look that reminded her of how her mother had eyeballed her when she pined over a puppy she couldn’t have in the pet store window.”

“Moni caught Sneed eyeing Mariella in her glass box like a gator with its snout poking out of the water sizing up a limping lamb.”

These analogies, I believe, succeed in getting the point across, but they’re big and detailed, and nearly dwarf the idea you’re drawing the analogy to.

I enjoy this story the deeper I go into it, as it progressively introduces humanity, and the narrative voice sticks more to a third person tone.

Mute ranks among the better stories I’ve read on authonomy. Good luck with it and all future projects.

Brian, this is an awesome beginning for your novel! I am glad it has been picked up by a publisher! It is crisp, well written, and very visual. Good luck with your writing career! I am giving you 6 stars and putting you on my watchlist.

sincerly,
d. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Brian, After reading more, I’ve put together a Quantitative Critique Score Sheet to respond to your story from a contest perspective. I hope you find this informative and helpful. (Max 10x10 pts)

Title: [Mute]
Author: [Brian Bandell]

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[10] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[09] Enjoyment (pulled me in – kept thinking how great this would be as a movie)
[10] Interest (loved the CSI detail

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[10] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[10] Character/Subject Development (excellent dialogue / dialect

Marketing
[10] Cover Design (it says it all)
[09] Pitch (at first, I thought it long, but just as the story kept me reading, so did the pitch)

TOTAL
[97/100]

Comments: This is a story I very much enjoyed and appreciated. I would buy the book for my thriller loving family.

E L Russell

Jackpot! I simply love it when I'm surfing around here and come up with a real gem. This is a real gem. I breezed through the first three chapters with delight. Your writing is smoothly excellent. I love that you can handle dialect so competently and that you have POVs from such different characters.

The only thing which bothered me even a little was the way you introduced the mute girl in the first chapter. I thought your foreshadowing of her difference from the rest of humanity was a little heavy handed. It is possible this is necessary, but given your long pitch I was expecting a little more build-up to the idea that she is in some paranormal way associated with nature and with the gruesome events in the lagoon.

Other than that...loved what I've read so far. There are very few books here which I have returned to read more of but I believe yours is one of them. Thanks so much for the pleasurable read.

Heather McLoud
Sage Courage

Brian,

I immediately fell into the story, I was thinking CSI Miami and laughed when I saw that in one of your comments. I guess I’m not the only one.

I knew that something unpleasant was going to happen in that first chapter and yet when it did I was surprised by it. Good job.

The second chapter flows right into the first with the introduction of Moni. She is a strong capable woman, but still kind and compassionate, always good to find one of these characters in a book.

I really enjoyed the story and will certainly give it a spin on my shelf when I shuffle next time.

Best,

Sharon

Moni's a cop and, presumably, a good one. Would she take the kind of stuff she takes from her father and Darren?

One of the issues I have isn't likely to be an issue with most people so take it with a grain of salt. I like books where you can like the characters. None of the characters in the book is really likable, with the possible exceptions of Moni and Mariella. By chapter 5, I still didn't know enough about Mariella to know if she was likable. I had sympathy for her, but is that enough? Same thing with Moni. Less sympathy, though, since she was an adult, a cop and still letting people stomp on her.

Since it has already been accepted at Silver Leaf Books, I'm not sure my opinion counts. Good luck with your sales!

Matt

CSI feel with a nostalgic touch of the X-Files. Pace was good and you developed the characters in layers. You are balancing humor to horror ratio pretty good too. I'll read through it again Brian plus the other story you had written between further re-edits on "The Devil Of Black Bayou" and the evolving story lines on "Wings Of The Seraph".

This has a very good start which pulls the reader into the story. Very promising and well written. I'm happy to support you. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.