The Moon Worshippers

Always interested to read a book about Charlemagne. This is a fascinating and very intriguing story, superb attention to detail and a very compelling plot. Excellent work.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack

Dear Aitor
This is a well crafted book, and obviously you have done much research. Your book cover and pitches are superb CONGRATS, and the characters you have painted are vivid in their color. I do love a good read that is based on fact and I believe this is a good example.. I remember years ago coming across my first historical fiction author and I could not let her go, she was a prolific writer and I am hoping you are the same .
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

A enthralling read. You have done one hell of a lot of research, and it shows in your authoritative voice. One of the more interesting reads I have read on this thread. I can't fault the writing. Easily backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it .
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

What a satisfying read this is.The joy of historical fiction is not only the chance of a strong story but also the opportunity to learn about periods in history. This one is quite unknown to me but it is hugely entertaining and exremely well researched and written.
It smacks of power and craves humility, it 'paints' its words and it leaves the reader with a glimpse of another world.It really should be read in paper form, in a quiet place in order to absorb and savour the creativity of the author.
Backed with pleasure. Margaret.

The Moon Worshippers
Aitor Echevarria.

Aitor,
I think this is strong, stimulating, well-researched writing, just the kind a lover of good books like me love to become deeply involved in - and I thought I connected with your story very easily as your writing flows easily and naturally. I don't mind largely descriptive writing, especially when it is as good as this. You have a good plot here and I found the story entertaining as well, largely because of your skillful use of language which is excellent. "If they were so few then they could be compared to fleas. The thought brought him much welcome relief. Until it struck him that fleas can become extremely irritating as he well knew." The conversational tone does much to make the writing accessible. This quote, and so much of this chapter amount simply to language one can enjoy and savour. Magnificent writing and a delight to me really - brilliant, evocative, atmospheric, with more than a touch of class. (I'm no good with editing issues although I would point out one tiny nit - in your long pitch, "flash backs" should be one word, that is, "flashbacks".) Happy to give this a spin on my shelf Aitor and I hope you find a publisher for it.
Zan

[comment based on chapters 1-3]

Aitor, your story has a compelling plot and an original setting. Tthe vivid details of the story quickly drew me into the world of "The Moon Worshippers" and kept me there. You have obviously done an enormous amount of reading and research.

On the editing side, I would support the comments others have made that trimming redundant and repetitious information and description would ease the flow and enhance the tension of the story. I'd also suggest clarifying point of view, particularly in chapter 1, to help the reader and checking punctuation (there seem to be many unnecessary commas). Chapters 2 & 3 flowed well for me as there was a balance of narrative summary and dialogue. Using the same approach in chapter 1, I think, would make the opening even more compelling.

Overall, a fascinating period in history crafted into an intriguing story.

Best of luck with your book.

I think your short pitch is great. I'm really into historical fiction, and this sounds like an exciting setup. I think your long pitch is interesting, too, although it seems more like the beginning of a scene than a synopsis. However, people have different tastes in such things, and I thought the setup of your narrative framework was interesting as a long pitch.

I like the visual impact of your opening scene. It's very dramatic. My main concerns about this scene are with pacing. Here are some suggestions that may help:

1.) Consider weaving the descriptions of Charlemagne's clothes and gear into more action-oriented description--how he's walking, who he's looking out, what he's seeing. This just keeps the pace moving a bit more. If your narrative voice doesn't give us an interior perspective (e.g. "Charlemagne thought that the Pope was ..."), you can still give us clues about what the Charlemagne's perspective on this whole coronation event might be.

2.) The exposition recounting Charlemagne's past stands in the way of your reader getting drawn into the present scene. You might want too wait until you've hooked the reader just a little bit more (perhaps once the monks are cheering?) and then give us the exposition in the context of explaining/suggesting what this moment feels like for Charlemagne, what the importance of these past events is for the monks ... Anything to make the history feel personally important to someone in the present scene. Obviously this is important history--but for the novel, we want to understand how the big picture relates to someone's individual life, or a few individuals lives.

Some copyediting notes:

"long sleeved" is a compound adjective, so it should be "long-sleeved"

"deer skin" is actually "deerskin"

I'm assuming the "crimson blood" on Charlemagne's hands is a metaphor. Be careful--when you insert this in the midst of so much actual physical description, it could make the reader do a double-take and wonder if he's actually walking into the church with blood on his hands. That would be dramatic, but I don't think that's what you meant to convey. Ditto with the description of the shield. When you're reading carefully, it's clear you're describing gear that's not actually in the scene, but consider whether it's important to describe this shield at this moment, if it's not in the scene.

I would also consider reviewing some of your longer sentences for clarity. I see some comma splices, some verbs that are being slightly misused (the verb acclaim is being used incorrectly in two places--you may want to read some examples of that verb being used in context), and issues with the clarity of your modifying clauses.

Here's one sentence that needs to be rewritten for clarity:

"As he knelt in prayer, after Mass on the steps of the High Altar and much to his surprise, the Pope in a spontaneous gesture, took the Golden Crown from the head of the statue of Saint Peter."

I hope that helps! I think you have an exciting story to tell, and I wish you luck as you refine your manuscript.

I like this very much. The human/animal relationship is simply told and a lot of fun to read. Big C will be the baddie no doubt. A winner.

Interesting. I read the first three chapters. Strong hooks on each. I like the history lessons about Charlemagne. A book on Basque culture is unique to me. It seems your book plows ahead with strong plot. My only reservations are the characters. They seem a little wooden to me. I suppose the books is so strongly plot-driven, it doesn't matter much.

You write so wonderfully. I have always been curious about Charlemagne - it's about time someone wrote about him :)

Your book would make a good film. Nearly everyone's heard of Charlemagne but few know about him. He is an important historical character.

Anyway.....

Please put some more of your book up so we can enjoy the rest of it. Thank you

The pitch hooked me. Your imagined version of the events surrounding the ‘Song of Roland’ might come into this tale. I have always been fascinated by that and am keen to see how you have dealt with the truth of these darker ages. Framing the tale as coming from a dying Basque warrior is fair enough and the emergence of Inaki and his wolf-dog toward the end of chapter one is super storytelling. This is a time and place which has not been ‘written to death’ and the first chapter kept me hooked throughout.

My suggestions /advice are simply to underline some of the comments already made. Point of View is an issue in the first chapter and occasionally it wasn’t clear whether an omniscient narrator, the Benedictine monk or the old basque warrior was telling the tale.
You use too many adjectives and sometimes repeat information or give us potentially irrelevant information. I wrote out a 140 word passage from your first chapter and set myself the exercise of cutting it back. I came up with -
‘At the same moment in a remote Monastery in the High Pyrenees a Basque warrior died. A Benedictine monk covered the old warrior’s face with a tattered woollen blanket before leaving the cell and walking down a stone corridor, heading for the Abbot’s private rooms. He was carrying a bundle of parchments and his brow was creased with worry.’

I think such trimming would help the pace of your tale. I understand that the warrior’s tale contained some amazing revelation but you only tell us of the monks realisation of how the Basque people and their culture have been ignored/poorly understood/ done great deeds without being specific about the revelation. Perhaps you are hiding it from us for the moment. I was surprised that after this long digression the monk was still pacing that corridor though. The authenticity of your story could be improved by naming the monastery – there weren’t many in the Pyrenees in the eighth century, the monk, the basque warrior. Us HF enthusiasts delight in specifics as you know. One to watch for me and I’ll take another look shortly.

I love that era, having an image of Charlemagne that is almost superhuman. Fantasy and fiction based on historical fact are excellent blends. I wish you luck with it and will continue to watch its progress.

How can I resist a historical novel with the wolf-dog ancestor of a Pyrenean mountain dog in the story, and incidental information on crude dog training methods (the food refusal work) and on wolf pack behaviour? Discovery is part of the fun in reading a historical novel and there is plenty here to bring alive a place, a time and a people, and make me react with 'I never knew that'.

I want to like this book because there is so much in it that is of interest to me but I have a very very big problem with the narrative viewpoint and structure. Throughout the 8 chapters you seem to drop into a point of view for two sentences and then randomly move to an omniscient narrator or someone else e.g. Olatz in Ch7 or the mother at the end of Ch1. In theory all of this is supposed to be from the viewpoint of the Old warrior but after some 'we' and 'us' about the Basque people, he vanishes completely as a personality colouring the tale.

I know it is a convention to enter the tale itself from a starting point of 'the story told by X' but there are just too many stories being told to us that were told to someone else, who was told it by someone else, and too many random changes.

Look at the 1st chapter; first Charlemagne is crowned. Omniscient narrator gives account. Instead of the heavy 'At that very same moment' two sentences, you could use the convention ****8 and cut to the next section. readers know that the the two scenes are going to be connected at some point. Next we see the viewpoint of the Benedictine monk. He tells us the story of the Old warrior but we actually lose sight of the monk straight away. The Old warrior tells us the story of Inaki but we lose sight of the Old warrior straight away. Complicated!

This is how I would structure it and choose viewpoint. Don't ever be tempted to jump into more than one viewpoint per section so choose the one that suits your purpose best. If you're showing someon'es thoughts or something only he/she knows like Olatz being prgenant, then you're in his/her head and giving his/her viewpoint. I'd cut all that opening scene of Charlemagne's coronation. It's not a dynamic start to the novel and it doesn't create a hook to read on. I'd start with the Old Warrior arriving at the monastery, giving the monk's viewpoint and end the section with 'the story he told would shake the world. Then I'd make a ***** cut and tell the story of Inaki without any suggestion of it being narrated by the Old warrior (or the monk). I'd tell it as chronological narrative, probably taking Inaki's viewpoint but I'd look at that as part of the overall structure. If it's important that we know about Olatz, she needs a section in her point of view.

The switches to the Sisters of the Moon add narrative interest but again, watch that you don't jump around from one person to the other. i skimmed the latter chapters so I can't comment in detail.

Another smaller suggestion is that the flea image doesn't work for me and is so extended that it becomes quite important. Flesa might be small but there are usually LOTS of them. 'If they were so few, they could be compared to fleas' doesn't work for me and the image gets a bit confused if you read it all through.

I hope this is helpful because I love the historical content and would thoroughly enjoy reading this book if there were some changes to point of view and structure.

Nitpick
In your pitch 'secrets as they...' needs 'they' cut for the sentence to be grammatically correct, and then there's a bit of a muddle in the next two sentences. 'The story of...Wolf-Dog ' is not a sentence (fine) but it doesn't make sense either.

Hello Aitor , I think this is a beautiful well-crafted book about an area of Spain that is very little known in the UK , I loved your well-informed comments on the Navarrese character - a part of Spain that has always interested me , is that where you are originally from? For a Spanish speaker to write so well in English is extremely impressive. Backed . Would you have the time to look at my book 'A Buccaneer' set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

A compelling adventure tale well told. The writing is vivid and there is a good balance between dialogue and narrative text. ---

Fascinating in that it gives an insight into a time and a people that are rarely the subject of stories. ---

I look forward to reading the next chapters. ---

My only quibble is the bit in the first chapter that states: "... shake the very foundations of the Christian World..." this phrase is on the back cover of every book that copies Dan Brown, there must be other ways to convey this concept without this cliche.

Fascinating. I have backed it even though I usually require that a book give a hint of where it is headed....

The Moon Worshippers is a gripping read, demanding attention from the start in spite of a high proportion of narrative full of background facts. You have a strong 'story telling' voice and the characters and incidents are vividly portrayed and the history is very much part of the story, which may explain why it does not feel to a reader that he is being fed information. This must surely be a book for publishers to take seriously and I agree with the commenter below who likens it to, I guess, Rosemary Sutcliffe, who was a wonderful writer of historical novels for the young.

To nit pick, I came across many commas in odd places, and almost all the semi-colons you used were used incorrectly and commas would have been correct. May I suggest checking up on these?

Also, - this may be as a result of the format in which Authonomy has put your uploaded bookand not your doing - speeches are sometimes confusingly split, breaking the convention that everything a speaker says at one time follows on, even if 'he said' or the like intervenes. A reader will assume that where there is a new line it will mean a new speaker has taken over. Quite often it wasn't. Where the speeches stand alone a reader needs to know that the speakers are alternating correctly - or he becomes muddled, stops to reread, and you have lost him.

In the first chapter there is an example of sentence reversion which appears elsewhere. 'His mother's attitude... ...made life difficult for the boy.' In its context, again the reader has to turn back to the beginning to get the full meaning - and slows down the reading.

In Ch 1 you talk of 'infirmed' persons instead of 'infim'. In Ch 7 shoal instead of shawl and broach instead of brooch warn not to rely too much on the spell-checker. Just glitches for when you are editing.

Starred and will shelve soon. I wish you well with this lovely book and would love to read the rest. Margaret Woodward: The Devil's Bairn

Hi, Aitor

This is a mesmerizing read. I am a lover of Historical fiction... and you certainly grabbed my attention. I love the narrative voice. The use of relatively short sentences with a beautiful cadence pushes us along. Where I am not as convinced is the dialogue. It sounds a bit stilted/formal and would benefit from more contractions, and incomplete sentences. (as one normally talks, especially when coming out of the mouths of simple village people). Other than that this is a recommended book...about early medieval history. Love it! Will back it as soon as I have space.

Good luck !!!
Miguel (Absentee Bidder)

' The Moon Worshippers '

It is evident how much research and effort has gone into this well written work. You have a clear focus on the time frame into which the characters and dialogue are well integrated.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark '

Always interested to read a book about Charlemagne. This is a fascinating and very intriguing story, superb attention to detail and a very compelling plot. Excellent work.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack

The Moon Worshippers - In the opening chapter the author has drawn a sharp contract between the opulence of Charlemagne's crowning and the austere surroundings, in which the Basque warrior's tale is related before he dies. Add to this, a monk confused by what he has heard over a number of days, who does not want to believe what has been said but knowing in his heart the warrior has spoken the truth, hastening to take documents to his abbot and this has so many hooks to draw a reader in deep.
The writing smoothly melds fictional and actual characters together and weaves them into the great deal of research the author must have carried, whilst flitting between two stories, which are travelling together to converge past with the present ie: the period the tale is set in. Throughout the four chapters read, the backstory of fiercely independent Basques, fascinating in itself, is told together with their culture and customs. Settings are described well, characters are robust, dialogue realistic and the authors writing is very fluid and evocative.
This is an intelligent work and a thoroughly enjoyable read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

This absolutely superb story deserves to be read and re-read.
Imaginative and well-crafted it focusses on an unusual period of European history about which little is written. I really enjoyed it but felt it needs an edit.
You use the word 'had' too much and you should take 'that' out of most sentences. There is an occasional passive sentence which detracts. Scratch most if not all of the words ending in -ly. It would strengthen the writing.
Try these tips and see what you think.
I thought this is one of the best historical novel on this site. I can't believe you won't get it published!
Superb!

Your study and thereby knowledge of Charlemagne is commendable, and if I were in need of research information on the matter I would know where to turn. As a work of fiction I find that instead of taking me to the place you are bringing it to me. Your descriptive work is on par with that of Tolstoy, in that some 700 pages into War & Peace Tolstoy takes near on three pages to describe the forest. Fine in a time when readership travelled less and there were no visual stimuli such as the TV or the silver screen. Now epic films have placed the visual in our head way before we pick up a book.
I thank you for placing my early work on your bookshelf and except that it is likely to be now removed, but I do like to say as I see, and what I see is a writer knitted closer to Non-fiction than fiction

This is a fascinating story that opens with two seemingly unconnected scenes--one filled with grandeur with Charlemagne in St. Peter's with the Pope. This scene is epic and elegantly described. The second (not connected, but as we learn later it is deeply connected) is a humble scene as an old warrior dies in a monastery. The contrast in the two scenes is striking - a dirty rag over the warriors face, the feel of the stark environment, the cold. This leads into a narrative of what first seems to be ramblings, but as the monks learn, turn out to be secrets. The text flows well. I love the imagery, and the story of the old warror - which becomes the premise of this book is a great hook. The work is not only gripping, it is intelligent.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Shelved The Moon Worshippers - Good pitch. [My dictionary has no listing for Worshipers spelled with double p. Am I missing something?] The writing is good, but tends to be a little wordy, which is generally the case in an early draft, and maybe not worth mentioning. Now that I have mentioned it, let me point out a couple of things meant only as constructive criticisms. - - 'In that time he had fought fifty four great battles.' Delete 'In that time', it is understood from the previous sentence. 'went to Mass in St Peter's Basilica in Rome on Christmas Day.' Do what ever is necessary to get rid of at least one of the uses of in. 'went to Rome's St. Peter's Basilica for Mass on Christmas Day.' would be one of several options. Good work, and happy editing.
G.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like to see your take on Einstein, an offbeat lit. fiction/urban fantasy, if your time allows. Thanks.]

WOW! This is fantastic. The pitch alone had me hooked. Your research must have taken days, months, even years. Congratulaions on a masterpiece. This is the work of a master craftsman. Congratulations.Backed for sure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Tremendous. There are few books I have seen on here that grip the reader so well. This is not achieved by some dramatic action sequence, but by telling the story of a story having been told. Quite remarkable. I am more than happy to back this - it deserves to go right to the top. Colin

This is a superbly crafted book, well worthy of the support it has been receiving. Congratulations!

Philip John

THE MOON WORSHIPPERS
An interesting part of history - of which I know very little. The part I read was very detailed and simply packed with historical facts. You have woven all this into the narrative quite effortlessly. The book is well presented and the story moves along at a cracking pace. Backed with pleasure.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Latin and stuff just how I pictured it. A clever write and clearly well researched. Mostly an enjoyable read and of the genre very accomplished.

Richard

Aitor

This is a fascinating story and I got caught up reading it. The history is interesting, but it's the story of the boy and the wolf-dog that really grabs the attention.

There are places the writing seems slighty clumsy (for example when you 'the dogs' in dialogue bracketed) but the story was good enough that I didn't pause to note these spots--something I would usually do. There's nothing an editor couldn't easily fix.

Backed.

This is very much to my taste: good clear prose, appropriate vocabulary, steady pace, and everything well-researched and well thought through. Convincing.
Backed with pleasure.
RT

I've been reading your book with great interest. Your story is compelling, your skill at writing very good Your knowledge of the time of Charlrmagne awesome. I'm sure a lot of research went into it.

My only criticism is that sometimes your chapters are way too long.This makes reading them a chore. Easy enough to fix.

Also, there is, perhaps, a little too much history lesson in those long chapters. Not so easily fixed since the reader needs to know the history to understand your story.

I wish you luck in getting your book published.
Sandra Davidson - COLD MOON RISING

Only had a quick look - little time at present and lots to do. This seems very intriguing and my sort of book. Like the writing.
Backed.

'Death, it must be said, had a way of sitting easily on Charlemagne's shoulders', we are in no doubt that this man is not the hero of the story. The first words of the old warrior leave me wondering how much of their tradition is fact and how much fiction. They are striking either way, 'Basques ... tell the whole truth before they die'. So we start the story of Inaki, the outsider, the boy who finds a wolf cub. '...like the rest of us', at this point we have moved from the priest's recollections to the warrior's own words. We have been swallowed by the Basque's story without even noticing...

It's when Inaki meets Aguirre that the story really comes alive - the dialogue and action, the manoeuvring and learning, and even the humour, 'I hope you're worth it'. The detail throughout is as skilfully wrought as that on Charlemagne's finery. This is an intriguing mix of accurate history with mythic overtones, plus a wealth of other knowledge such as wolf-dogs. It's the kind of work that will find me Googling between chapters. Most important of all, it has a great protagonist in the brave and proud Inaki ... backed.

Possible nits: 'the thought soothed ... struck by [other] thoughts'. 'only the monks that [who] had'. 'His mother's attitude', whose mother? Ah, The baby's - needs to say so. 'both boy and dog [wolf?] remained very still' (to distinguish it from the other dogs).

Hi Aitor

A few nitpicks:

I don't know if you want to say "year of our Lord 800AD" since AD actually means "year of our Lord"? Either "year of our Lord" or "AD", not both
"statue", not "statute"
don't need "in Latin"
"its Emperor", not "it's Emperor"
"as disinterested parties", not "as a disinterested parties"
no need to repeat again that the monastery is in the Pyrenees near the Roncesvalles pass
"infirm person", not "infirmed person"

This is a great story. I love the period and the savage life, with hints of the spiritual world, that the people live. And learning something about the Basques is very welcome too. You conjure up time, place and character very effectively, although the section with the monk was a bit repetitive. But Charlemagne's crowning and the story of Inaki and the wolfcub are beautifully realised. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Do you know what? I wish in a way that you'd started the book with chapter two. It dives right into character and story - whereas chapter one is a bit more 'tell' - more like reading an informative history book. I realise the job its doing, but I just felt the second chapter was more appealing as a read, if its a historical thriller.

That's an observation only, one that is maybe only me. I have no problem with the subject, the quality of your writing or any thing, and am backing on that.
Polly
STONES.

Lovely to see that you have cherried my comment....just following your climb. so glad to see you doing so well.

if you have backed my book thank you.
Best of luck

Denise
The Letter

This is a very interesting story. I've just finished the first chapter. You seem to repeat a few times the idea that the dying warrior's story was interesting. You might want to consider removing some of the repetition.

You have a style that is engaging, easy to read and grabs the interest of the reader.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

I enjoy historical fictional and enjoyed reading this. Well done! Backng.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Hi Aitor
I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of this and am happy to back it. Best wishes
Vall
Midwyf

Consider reducing the number of exclamtion marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an intelligent, fascinating historical. You skillfully captured my attention, and then my mind. Relatable characters. Authentic dialogue that evokes the era. Accomplished storytelling. Artful writing. Backed.

Hi, I am sorry that this comment does not help you in any way just yet, other than to let you know that I think your work is worth backing, but I am getting used to the site slowly. Also, work commitments and writing are being squeezed to try to keep up. After the first days I thought that the reading returns and support would slow but as yet they have not even begun to. So, in order to be fair I am backing everyone who I think deserves it, thanking everyone who has backed me and keeping an increasingly long list to get back to and give my hand written comments over. I hope this is ok with you? Cheers.

Very interesting. Kept my attention. The lore and history of the tale is to be commended. Your writing isn't too heavy but be careful. Your momentum is built in a steady even stroke, subtly tightening of the drama.

Your craft suits you.

Well done.

AmyR
Trust Me

Hi Aitor. Firstly, thank you for backing LONDON. I enjoyed your synopsis, which led me easily to your book. Nice painting of words, nice visual you bring.

blessings,
jim

Dear Aitor
This is a well crafted book, and obviously you have done much research. Your book cover and pitches are superb CONGRATS, and the characters you have painted are vivid in their color. I do love a good read that is based on fact and I believe this is a good example.. I remember years ago coming across my first historical fiction author and I could not let her go, she was a prolific writer and I am hoping you are the same .
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Hi Aitor, The crafting held my attention, going from Charlemagne to the Warrior and then to the boy Inaki. The Basques are a fascinating people and the storytelling here focuses and re-focuses until it’s irresistible with the boy and wolf cub. The connection between the political French and the Basques isn’t often explored. It’s probably a dumb question but was Charlemagne Celtic or what? Enjoyed this! Shelved with pleasure – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Aitor, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Brilliant. Backed
Helen
The Last Dream

Interesting story which has me now interestedf in Charlemange, a king no one has ever gotten me interested in before. The story makes history accessible and interesting; it reads much better than a textbook, although there is still too much passive tense. Passive tense is what authors use when they don't know who did what. They only know something happened.

As we use more active tense, less passive tense, we not only have more interesting reading, we come off as knowing what we are talking about. (Most historians really don't know what they are talking about. The may know what was done but not who did it, that kind of stuff.)

In response to your request for comments/critique:

I allow only three nits per comment, so here are yours:

To "keep out the cold day" I would have eliminated the word "day." Just to keep out the cold would suffice.

I liked the description (para 2) of the king's clothing, though I thought more interesting verbs would have improved it. "He had," used twice, is OK but a little weak. Don't misunderstand me, as I do think it is well written.

"Could only be matched," I would eliminate the "could only be" part of that sentence. Just leave "matched." As in, "The red ruby matched the blood ..."

Let me know when you have read this and I will delete it, if you like, OK?

Rich setting and great historical background. This book promises adventure, courage, and bloody mayhem, and delivers. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

I loved this descriptive beginning with the crowning where the story then seamlessly moves from the glory of Rome to a remote Monastery. This is a story you can sink into. Well done with good characters.

I noticed a few things, in the latin there is vicotria that should be victoria unless I'm mistaken and also in the part starting with *So it was that the boy came and stayed, as one amongst equals. Yet he was not one of us.* That *US* suggests that there is an invisible first person narrator, at least in my mind. Maybe it would be better with *Yet he was not one of them*?

You've woven a new colorful weave out of old history mixed with other things and I find it very intriguing. Backed with pleasure.

K
Nick Keen's Guide to Ghost Cleaning

Original, great concept.
Descriptive narrative too literal, listing, not figurative.
Worth taking the time to sort out, then I and others would back it.
BK

I don’t know anything about this period of history and I found it quite fascinating. I was sucked in to the story and became immersed immediately. You have obviously put a lot of hours into research and it’s a joy to read. I can’t find anything to fault with it and I am sure it will do well.

Sue Mackender

Knowing Liam Riley-
I hope you enjoy it.

This story has been through the hands of a master. It is the perfect book to become immersed in, time will slip away as we merge with the tale. Excellent work. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley)