Book Jacket

 

rank 1275
word count 11702
date submitted 10.02.2010
date updated 19.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Historical Ficti...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Moon Worshippers

Aitor Echevarria.

Charlemagne, the King of the Franks, is returning from an unsuccessful invasion of Spain through the Pyrenees. Waiting in ambush are the Basque tribes.

 

The story unfolds through the deathbed confessions of an Old Basque Warrior. He has been poisoned and left to die outside the gates of a Benedictine monastery in the high pyrenees. At first the monks do not take him seriously. He is delirious and not making sense, but then he suddenly has their full attention when he says,

"What I shall tell you is how a young Nagusi warrior made it possible for us to defeat Charlemagne, safequard our two provinces in France and the part he played against the Sisters of the Moon."

At the mention of the Sisters of the Moon, the monk's faces turn pale. The Old Warrior has revealed that he has secrets that they, as Charlemagne's spies, the Benedictine monks want to know. In a series of flashbacks the Old Warrior reveals the power of the Nagusi. The story of a young warrior who has become a Nagusi and then he reveals the heroism of this young warrior's deeds with his companion, Storm, his trusted Wolf-dog. The book is a historical thriller, based on actual historical events.

 
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adventure, betrayal, fantasy, historical thriller, history, mystical, thriller

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Chapter One

The Fugitives from Navarra

 

In the year of Our Lord 800 AD, Charlemagne, a king who had carved an empire with his sword by bloody slaughter, went to Mass in

St Peter’s Basilica in Rome on Christmas Day. He entered the Basilica by the north door, with his personal bodyguard and accompanied by his nobles.

He was resplendent in his fine clothing. About his shoulders he wore a long blue woollen cloak, trimmed with wolf fur, to keep out the cold day. Under the cloak, he had a black, long sleeved woollen tunic embroidered with silver thread, on top of which he wore a black soft deer skin jerkin. Around his waist he had a black leather and silver belt; which was encrusted with precious stones and hung from that belt a sword, called Joyeus, with the most exquisite silver hilt and a large ruby for its pommel.

The redness of that ruby could only be matched by the crimson of the blood on his hands, from the many Visigoths, Saxons and other peoples that he had defeated in battle. Thousands of them had been put to death for refusing to pay homage or refusing to embrace the Christian faith. For the past thirty years he had been in the saddle, engaged in continuous warfare. In that time he had fought fifty-four great battles, all of which he had won. He ruled most of France, and his many victories had given him vast territories in Germany and in Italy. From an early age, Charlemagne had been taught to become accustomed to war and to killing. On the shield that he carried into battle was painted a black raven with outstretched wings: the ancient symbol of death. Death, it must be said, had a way of sitting easily on Charlemagne’s shoulders.

As he knelt in prayer, after Mass on the steps of the High Altar and much to his surprise, the Pope in a spontaneous gesture, took the Golden Crown from the head of the statue of Saint Peter. He came over to Charlemagne and placed the crown upon his head, adored him and acclaimed him as Charlemagne, “imperator et Augustus” by the people.

For what seemed an age, Charlemagne remained kneeling in silence.

The Pope became increasingly uneasy and his growing discomfort was plain for all to see. After what seemed like an eternity to the Pope, and as cold beads of sweat started appearing on his brow; Charlemagne suddenly looked up into the face of Pope Leo, and to the Pope’s immense relief, he smiled. Charlemagne then rose slowly to his full height of over six feet and turned to face the crowded Basilica.

As he rose, the two rows of monks who stood at each side of the High Altar started chanting. They chanted in Latin,

“Carolus, piisimo Augusto a Deo coronato, magno et pacificio Imperatori, vita et victoria.”

 Time and again, the acclaim rose from them, until it reverberated around the stone walls of the Basilica and very soon the whole congregation joined in.

“To Carolus Augustus crowned by God, mighty and pacific emperor, God grant life and victory.”

The Basilica then erupted into cheering, clapping and stamping of feet. Charlemagne stood for some time at the top of the steps of the High Altar anointed and crowned. Arms folded, with his golden hair flowing over his shoulders, he accepted the accolade of his subjects. At that very same moment, in a remote fortified monastery in the Pyrenees, not far from the Roncesvalles pass, and many, many, days journey from Rome, a Basque warrior died. The two events were not unconnected.

At the isolated monastery in the high Pyrenees, a Benedictine monk covered the Old Warrior’s face, with an old, dirty and tattered woollen blanket. Slowly and carefully, he left the small cell where the Warrior’s body lay dead. He walked down a long cold stone corridor, passed his own small cell and walked towards the Abbot’s private rooms at the other end of the monastery. In his hands, he held tightly a bundle of parchments which he had taken from the scribe’s table. As he made his way, his brow began to crease with worry. His head was bent forward in deepest thought.

He felt a shiver pass through his body. Not against the icy cold, although it was a very cold winter’s day, but because of what he held in his hands. The parchments, in his bony weathered fingers contained the revelations that the Old Warrior had made and they were dumbfounding.  Not only because of what they revealed, but also because they had been so unexpected. His story had been related gradually whilst he was dying and completed just before his death. If true, the story would shake the very foundations of the Christian world and its Emperor.

The revelations the Old Warrior had made, had started simply enough, and at times he had thought they were the imaginings or the ravings of a dying man. But as the story unfolded, he realised that he had been wrong. It was much more. It could be the story of the age. Few would believe it; many would doubt its authenticity. Nonetheless, who would have believed that they would be revealed in this manner? Or that a simple uncivilised, disrespected, pagan and barbaric race could be responsible for so much? It was simply unheard of. The warrior had begun simply with:

“I am a member of the First Race. I am a Basque, a people who have a language and past, which are like no other. I have not much time left, so I must tell of our shame and our glory. For, it is a duty and a tradition amongst the Basques to tell the whole truth before we die, unlike others who only tell that which glorifies them. We don’t do that. We are different. We are Basques.”

The monk had thought it an unusual boast, but it caught his attention. It was a story about a strange and little known ancient people. Later and in truth, he realized it was an epic of a tale. They were a people about whom no one really cared, especially in those turbulent and troubled times. Until now they had remained insignificant. Strangely enough, he knew a little of the Basques. Their mountainous region was not that far from his monastery. In fact it was very close to what could be considered one of the Basque borders. Although, the borders of countries were in a constant flux as baron, earl, count or king fought each other and in so doing, the victor would add to their lands and change borders. Even so, contact with these Basques was rare; even elusive. They kept to their mountains and did not welcome strangers. There were many rumours about them. Some said that they practiced revolting rituals with animals and treated strangers and those they captured in the most disgusting and savage ways.

Travellers told stories that in secret caves the Basques met with demons and performed strange rituals.  But then they were a simple race, mostly sheep herders and fishermen. What more could one expect from such an ignorant and barbaric people? Yet, what if the Old Warrior was right? If his story was true, then these people had a culture and a military knowledge, which had been totally overlooked. Not only overlooked, but completely underestimated. What was more, if it was true; they had men amongst them who were skilled in the Black Arts and with immense and far reaching powers. The parchments he held in his long thin fingers, revolted him, intrigued him and frightened him.

He tried to compose himself. Then he had a thought that comforted him. If they were so few, then they could be compared to fleas. The thought brought him much welcomed relief. Until it struck him that fleas can become extremely irritating as he knew. He scratched himself involuntarily under his armpit.  Still, he liked the thought of them as fleas. They were small and could be crushed between two fingers. The thought soothed his troubled mind, but suddenly his mind sobered and he was struck by thoughts that were like buckets of ice cold water poured over his head.

He rapidly re-evaluated. He inwardly shuddered. Could it be that like fleas, they, the Basques had remained dormant and unnoticed? Could it be true that they had destroyed so much, and penetrated so far with so few? It was unbelievable! Could they have done what the Old Warrior had said? How could they? They were nothing but fleas! Just that. What was more, the victim they had bitten and sucked blood from had been Charlemagne, Charlemagne no less! His Latin name reflected the man. He was Carolus Magnus, Charles the Great. It could not be! They were the Devil’s children. They were pagans and would remain cursed until they received Christ’s Grace. He cursed them all!

“May they all roast in Hell!”  he said in a low voice and then he crossed himself involuntarily. At that point he felt disgust. Christ would not forgive such thoughts and the condemnation of a whole race to Hell. He would ask Brother Francisco to apply ten lashes to his back before matins for impure thoughts. The thought of Brother Francisco’s strong right arm applying the lash, subdued him.

His mind jumped, jolted, and floated as if in a fever, as he wandered slowly along the cold stone passages towards the Abbot’s room. Yet he had to admit, although it irked him, from what he had learnt from the Old Warrior, they were independent, strong and fearless.

Now could they be a danger as well? It could not be true! It must not be true! But, his head and common sense told him that it was. It was a tale that he and his Abbot had started to listen to as disinterested parties, out of curiosity. Towards the end they had listened intently and had begun recording the Old Warrior’s words.

It was a story that had been told over five days by an old dying man and had started by what had seemed at first like a series of pointless recollections. At this remote monastery on the French side of the Roncesvalles pass, in the high Pyrenees, a man had been left at the monastery door, in the cold, on a simple pallet.

Was it unusual for a sick man to be left at a monastery door? No. Was it uncommon to have an infirmed person brought to a monastery and left? No. Why?  Because, it was only the monks that had, at this time, some knowledge of cures, and the only established infirmaries. The poor knew that every monastery had an infirmary. Monks were the providers of care and cure and it was free in the name of God. So the old and infirmed flocked to the monasteries. A warrior had been left at the outer door. He had died. Nothing unusual in that. Recovery rates were poor for the sick. Death often beckoned. What had been unusual was the man and his tale!

The old man had started with an angry tirade against many of his enemies. This then moved on to a series of what seemed unrelated recollections. Then slowly the whole story had come together. At first they thought that he was mad. He was, after all, very ill and dying. He rambled in periods of delirium, but he then had times of perfect lucidity and even eloquence. The first part that made any sense, recalled how a young woman had returned to her small community of clan farms and villages; a woman who had left to marry.

Her husband had been murdered and she had returned to live with her brother. She was still young and very beautiful and much sought after. With her she brought her boy of eighteen months. He had the black hair and the green eyes of his father. He was well formed and even at this tender age, it could be seen that he would have his mother’s good looks.

She had travelled far to come home. The journey had been perilous and hard and taken its toll. She had been pursued by her husband’s killers and if she had been captured, she too would have been killed. To escape she had taken the most dangerous route and had risked capture by the Moors, who would have sold her and the child into slavery. She arrived on a stormy night, her clothing wet and in threads. The boy was strapped to her back, cold, hungry and half-dead. Nevertheless, she was strong and after care and rest, she and her son soon overcame the pain and exhaustion that the journey had inflicted on their bodies.

She had travelled from Navarra, the land of our cousins, who are little liked or trusted. She had crossed rivers and mountains, evaded or run from bears, wolves and men. Such a journey could only have been made by a determined woman, who was resourceful, bloody-minded and fearless. She came alone and like most Basque women was fiercely independent. Her homecoming caused tremendous interest amongst the men. She was beautiful, with black hair and with black eyes. Her eyes were as deep as the darkest and deepest night. Her body was slender. Her skin was fine and soft. She was a most desirable woman in every way with a deep rich voice that seemed to come from the depths of her body. It was a strong voice that made men crumble at the knees.

Why had she come back? Whom would she take as a second husband? Who would she allow to protect her? The answer was none. The women admired her for her self-determination and independence. The men hated her for her aloofness. They had known her since childhood and yet she would not countenance any of them. The men thought her arrogant. They wished her ill and were affronted and angered by her high-handed attitude. His mother’s attitude towards men made them into outsiders and made life difficult for the boy as he grew into manhood. However, he managed to grow strong, like the rest of us, but the only male in his family was his uncle and this could have caused him problems.

It was largely because of his uncle’s position in the tribe that he survived at all and the reason that his mother was able to fend off admirers. His uncle was the Nagusi, the appointed guardian of the clan Gods and their healer. He was feared because of his powers, and his authority was unquestionable.  In his hands he held the power of life or death when you were ill or injured. Furthermore, a Nagusi had strange and powerful skills not known amongst common men. He could travel in the spirit world and this made him feared by his fellow clansmen.

So it was that the boy came and stayed, as one amongst equals. Yet he was not one of them. His uncle’s position protected him from all but the most powerful. But the youths of the village had no fear of him, and at their age they had little respect for authority. This made life at the hands of his contemporaries harsh and cruel. As time passed the boy grew used to the name-calling, the stones, the fights and then the warmth and tenderness of his mother when he came home dirty, bruised and battered, but never in tears. He was constantly bullied and in the silence of the night he would cry on his own. He grew into a lonely and isolated boy, without a father to protect him, but he would not shed a tear in public no matter how hard the stones or the blows. Never, never, never!

So the boy, Inaki, as his mother had named him, grew, adoring his mother and learning the secrets of the art of healing from his uncle. Of worship and religion he showed no interest. This was much to the anger of his uncle who would often stop a lesson in a fit of rage when Inaki showed no interest in the God or Goddess from whom the particular herb owed its healing properties. In time Inaki learnt from the blows to his head and body, to hide his feelings and he became a perfect pupil. His uncle knew that the boy was pretending to show interest in that which held no interest for him. But, he continued to teach him, for he had no sons and as he grew older, Inaki could be sent high into the mountains to the secret places where the herbs and plants that he needed grew.

It was on one of these trips that the boy, now twelve years of age, was to encounter the event that would change his life and his destiny. He had been given three days food, a blanket and a two-bladed iron axe for protection. He had been carefully instructed to go high into the mountains to a place where a particularly rare blue orchid grew. Its root contained a very powerful poison that not only killed extremely quickly, but if carefully diluted had great healing powers for fevers. It was needed urgently to cure a very sick child.

On the second day he reached the place where the blue orchid was to be found. The climb into the mountains had been hard. Tired and almost exhausted, he started to collect a few roots. The ground was hard and powdered with snow and he had not eaten for a day to conserve his food for the return journey. As he dug, he did not at first become aware of the low sound that floated through the cold air. Then he became slightly aware of a low whimper. So low, that at first he hardly noticed it. It came again. He stopped and listened. Nothing, so he dismissed it. Then just as he began to dig, it came again. He scanned the ground around him. He could see nothing. He went back to work until he had all the roots he needed. He turned towards the way he had come. He started to walk then suddenly stopped.

The sound seemed to come from directly in front of him some twenty paces ahead and to the right. He moved forward ten paces and stopped. He stood there like a rock for a few moments and was about to move when the whimper came again. He gripped the axe in both hands. He looked around for a position that could be defended with protection for his back. He knew that the animal he had heard could only be the young of a wolf or bear, neither of which he had any intention of meeting on the side of a mountain on open and exposed ground. There was a large rocky overhang above him. He moved slowly and silently upwards until he was safely upon it. He sat down carefully and pondered his position. The place he was on was defensible. Still, he could not stay here very long, since he had little food and it would soon be night. He certainly did not want to spend a long and very cold night here.

For a long time he sat, in deep thought. Should he creep away? Was it a large or small animal? Would there be others coming back? If there were, he would meet them on open ground. The Gods forbid! He must think, like he had never thought before. At this point, as with all boys in difficult situations, his stomach rumbled and made a protest for food. Since he was going to die, he decided he might as well eat some of his precious remaining food. He took the pouch from his belt, removed the linen cloth and opened it. Inside was cheese and bread. As he ate he thought. He looked down at the cloth and reached for more food. He cursed slowly and deliberately, “bloody fool!”  There before him lay his iron and flint… fire. It was the one element all animals feared. It would protect him.

He looked around for wood. Oh, what a fool he was! On a mountain this high up there wasn’t any wood. Had the cold air frozen his mind? Think you idiot. Think! No wood, but plenty of long high grass. Make a torch. Make it big. As he worked, his thinking became clearer. No animal makes a sound whilst his or her mother is there. They must be alone, surely. Should he look? He gathered up his courage. He would see. He worked his way down and found the entrance to the den under a rock. He lit the torch and pushed it inside. His heart fell. Inside, in the semi darkness, lay the body of a she-wolf. Beside her four cubs, all of them dead. On top of the dead mother was another of the wolf cubs. He was almost dead, but still alive. The cub was making a low, whimpering sound. He reached in and grabbed it by the scruff of the neck and gently brought it out. He took some bread, soaked it with water and fed it. Afterwards he placed it inside his woollen tunic and made his way home.

He arrived a day late, hungry and exhausted. The reception he encountered on his return was twofold. From his uncle he received only anger, because of his lateness; his mother showed only pure relief at his return. The cub was the cause of more trouble, when they learnt that it was the reason for his delay and that the puppy had been given most of his food on his return journey. Nobody spoke for days, but the child, for whom he had collected the orchid roots, recovered. This gained him grudging respect within the clan.

His uncle, when he spoke to him, had nothing but harsh words.

“No animal is worth the life of a man. Not even your worthless life or the life of a child.” And then it was: “Don’t you realise, idiot, that a wild animal can’t be kept or tamed. What good or use is it?”

The boy stood there in silence. He had no answers. He knew that his uncle was right, but his heart told him that he felt for this animal. Something, but what was it? Was it that the cub had been helpless and he had felt pity for him or was it a gift to him from the Gods? And he reflected: was not the wolf cub just like him? An outsider. Disliked by all and feared because it was different. For that reason alone he would keep him and look after him. Yet he had so many questions. Could a wolf be tamed? Could he be trained? Would the wolf accept him as his master or would it someday turn and kill him? Would it run away when it was fully grown? He must find answers, but who would have them?

Over time, he learnt from the travellers and traders that passed through the village of a strange man in the mountains, who they said, lived alone. Rumours circulated that he knew more about animals than anyone, and that he could, it was said, enter the minds of wild beasts. They also said that he preferred animals to people and did not take kindly to strangers. They warned him that he was, apparently, extremely bad tempered. After much thought, Inaki decided that he would seek him out after the snows had cleared.

The cub grew. It was now six moons since he had found him. It was completely black. So black, that in strong sunlight, his fur looked as if it had a depth of blue colour in it. The eyes were yellow, the head large. It was almost up to the middle of a man’s thigh at the shoulder in height and with a mouth of interlocking white teeth. His most disconcerting trait was to stare at anyone who approached, his head lowered and body erect, as if he was about to pounce.  He was feared by everyone except the boy, whose side he never left. No one dared go near the animal. No more the curses or stones from the other boys; no words of anger were spoken in the wolf-dog’s presence. He was his master’s protector. He slept at his side at night and walked at his side by day.

If voices were raised the wolf-dogs lips would curl back over those fearsome teeth and a deep long growl would rise from his throat, full of menace and warning, silencing them all. All at once life was sweet and all gave way to them, be it man or beast. For the first time in his life, he had power and he liked the feel of it. It felt natural to him as if it was in his blood.

At springtime Inaki spoke to his mother. “There is a man that I have to see, Mother.”

“Who might that be, my son?” his mother asked.

“I do not know his name, but he knows about animals.” His mother thought and then spoke softly to him.

“There are many here that are wise and know animals. Arturo the hunter for one, and then there is your uncle who not only heals people but animals too.”

“Yes, mother,” said the boy, “but they don’t understand my animal. It is to him that I must go and learn about wolves and dogs.”

“I see,” said his mother with a smile on her face, “and where is this unique man?”

“About fourteen days south from here, up in the mountains,” said the boy.

“For a journey like that you will need boots, food for two and a warm cloak, none of which I can provide you with. How will you get them? You have nothing to trade for them.”

Inaki thought desperately hard.

“I will work for what I need. We can get work guarding sheep,” Inaki said, looking down at the wolf-dog.

“Very well,” said the mother, “when you have your boots and cloak, I for my part will provide the food, and then we will talk again.”

As the boy walked away his mother looked at him. How quickly time had passed. Soon he would be a man and she would lose him. She shuddered a little at the thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters

1

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Jack Hughes wrote 530 days ago

Always interested to read a book about Charlemagne. This is a fascinating and very intriguing story, superb attention to detail and a very compelling plot. Excellent work.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack

name falied moderation wrote 681 days ago

Dear Aitor
This is a well crafted book, and obviously you have done much research. Your book cover and pitches are superb CONGRATS, and the characters you have painted are vivid in their color. I do love a good read that is based on fact and I believe this is a good example.. I remember years ago coming across my first historical fiction author and I could not let her go, she was a prolific writer and I am hoping you are the same .
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Kidd1 wrote 736 days ago

A enthralling read. You have done one hell of a lot of research, and it shows in your authoritative voice. One of the more interesting reads I have read on this thread. I can't fault the writing. Easily backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it .
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Margaret Anthony wrote 762 days ago

What a satisfying read this is.The joy of historical fiction is not only the chance of a strong story but also the opportunity to learn about periods in history. This one is quite unknown to me but it is hugely entertaining and exremely well researched and written.
It smacks of power and craves humility, it 'paints' its words and it leaves the reader with a glimpse of another world.It really should be read in paper form, in a quiet place in order to absorb and savour the creativity of the author.
Backed with pleasure. Margaret.

zan wrote 776 days ago

The Moon Worshippers
Aitor Echevarria.

Aitor,
I think this is strong, stimulating, well-researched writing, just the kind a lover of good books like me love to become deeply involved in - and I thought I connected with your story very easily as your writing flows easily and naturally. I don't mind largely descriptive writing, especially when it is as good as this. You have a good plot here and I found the story entertaining as well, largely because of your skillful use of language which is excellent. "If they were so few then they could be compared to fleas. The thought brought him much welcome relief. Until it struck him that fleas can become extremely irritating as he well knew." The conversational tone does much to make the writing accessible. This quote, and so much of this chapter amount simply to language one can enjoy and savour. Magnificent writing and a delight to me really - brilliant, evocative, atmospheric, with more than a touch of class. (I'm no good with editing issues although I would point out one tiny nit - in your long pitch, "flash backs" should be one word, that is, "flashbacks".) Happy to give this a spin on my shelf Aitor and I hope you find a publisher for it.
Zan

Emma.L.H. wrote 83 days ago

Brilliantly detailed and excellent dialogue. No complaints with this whatsoever. A very enjoyable read. Well done.

djmantle wrote 175 days ago

[comment based on chapters 1-3]

Aitor, your story has a compelling plot and an original setting. Tthe vivid details of the story quickly drew me into the world of "The Moon Worshippers" and kept me there. You have obviously done an enormous amount of reading and research.

On the editing side, I would support the comments others have made that trimming redundant and repetitious information and description would ease the flow and enhance the tension of the story. I'd also suggest clarifying point of view, particularly in chapter 1, to help the reader and checking punctuation (there seem to be many unnecessary commas). Chapters 2 & 3 flowed well for me as there was a balance of narrative summary and dialogue. Using the same approach in chapter 1, I think, would make the opening even more compelling.

Overall, a fascinating period in history crafted into an intriguing story.

Best of luck with your book.

audreyauden wrote 186 days ago

I think your short pitch is great. I'm really into historical fiction, and this sounds like an exciting setup. I think your long pitch is interesting, too, although it seems more like the beginning of a scene than a synopsis. However, people have different tastes in such things, and I thought the setup of your narrative framework was interesting as a long pitch.

I like the visual impact of your opening scene. It's very dramatic. My main concerns about this scene are with pacing. Here are some suggestions that may help:

1.) Consider weaving the descriptions of Charlemagne's clothes and gear into more action-oriented description--how he's walking, who he's looking out, what he's seeing. This just keeps the pace moving a bit more. If your narrative voice doesn't give us an interior perspective (e.g. "Charlemagne thought that the Pope was ..."), you can still give us clues about what the Charlemagne's perspective on this whole coronation event might be.

2.) The exposition recounting Charlemagne's past stands in the way of your reader getting drawn into the present scene. You might want too wait until you've hooked the reader just a little bit more (perhaps once the monks are cheering?) and then give us the exposition in the context of explaining/suggesting what this moment feels like for Charlemagne, what the importance of these past events is for the monks ... Anything to make the history feel personally important to someone in the present scene. Obviously this is important history--but for the novel, we want to understand how the big picture relates to someone's individual life, or a few individuals lives.

Some copyediting notes:

"long sleeved" is a compound adjective, so it should be "long-sleeved"

"deer skin" is actually "deerskin"

I'm assuming the "crimson blood" on Charlemagne's hands is a metaphor. Be careful--when you insert this in the midst of so much actual physical description, it could make the reader do a double-take and wonder if he's actually walking into the church with blood on his hands. That would be dramatic, but I don't think that's what you meant to convey. Ditto with the description of the shield. When you're reading carefully, it's clear you're describing gear that's not actually in the scene, but consider whether it's important to describe this shield at this moment, if it's not in the scene.

I would also consider reviewing some of your longer sentences for clarity. I see some comma splices, some verbs that are being slightly misused (the verb acclaim is being used incorrectly in two places--you may want to read some examples of that verb being used in context), and issues with the clarity of your modifying clauses.

Here's one sentence that needs to be rewritten for clarity:

"As he knelt in prayer, after Mass on the steps of the High Altar and much to his surprise, the Pope in a spontaneous gesture, took the Golden Crown from the head of the statue of Saint Peter."

I hope that helps! I think you have an exciting story to tell, and I wish you luck as you refine your manuscript.

stoatsnest wrote 192 days ago

I like this very much. The human/animal relationship is simply told and a lot of fun to read. Big C will be the baddie no doubt. A winner.

olefish wrote 224 days ago

Interesting. I read the first three chapters. Strong hooks on each. I like the history lessons about Charlemagne. A book on Basque culture is unique to me. It seems your book plows ahead with strong plot. My only reservations are the characters. They seem a little wooden to me. I suppose the books is so strongly plot-driven, it doesn't matter much.

Almost_Lady_Onogoro wrote 229 days ago

You write so wonderfully. I have always been curious about Charlemagne - it's about time someone wrote about him :)

Your book would make a good film. Nearly everyone's heard of Charlemagne but few know about him. He is an important historical character.

Anyway.....

Please put some more of your book up so we can enjoy the rest of it. Thank you

briantodd wrote 234 days ago

The pitch hooked me. Your imagined version of the events surrounding the ‘Song of Roland’ might come into this tale. I have always been fascinated by that and am keen to see how you have dealt with the truth of these darker ages. Framing the tale as coming from a dying Basque warrior is fair enough and the emergence of Inaki and his wolf-dog toward the end of chapter one is super storytelling. This is a time and place which has not been ‘written to death’ and the first chapter kept me hooked throughout.

My suggestions /advice are simply to underline some of the comments already made. Point of View is an issue in the first chapter and occasionally it wasn’t clear whether an omniscient narrator, the Benedictine monk or the old basque warrior was telling the tale.
You use too many adjectives and sometimes repeat information or give us potentially irrelevant information. I wrote out a 140 word passage from your first chapter and set myself the exercise of cutting it back. I came up with -
‘At the same moment in a remote Monastery in the High Pyrenees a Basque warrior died. A Benedictine monk covered the old warrior’s face with a tattered woollen blanket before leaving the cell and walking down a stone corridor, heading for the Abbot’s private rooms. He was carrying a bundle of parchments and his brow was creased with worry.’

I think such trimming would help the pace of your tale. I understand that the warrior’s tale contained some amazing revelation but you only tell us of the monks realisation of how the Basque people and their culture have been ignored/poorly understood/ done great deeds without being specific about the revelation. Perhaps you are hiding it from us for the moment. I was surprised that after this long digression the monk was still pacing that corridor though. The authenticity of your story could be improved by naming the monastery – there weren’t many in the Pyrenees in the eighth century, the monk, the basque warrior. Us HF enthusiasts delight in specifics as you know. One to watch for me and I’ll take another look shortly.



Floodo wrote 249 days ago

I love that era, having an image of Charlemagne that is almost superhuman. Fantasy and fiction based on historical fact are excellent blends. I wish you luck with it and will continue to watch its progress.

Nici wrote 267 days ago

How can I resist a historical novel with the wolf-dog ancestor of a Pyrenean mountain dog in the story, and incidental information on crude dog training methods (the food refusal work) and on wolf pack behaviour? Discovery is part of the fun in reading a historical novel and there is plenty here to bring alive a place, a time and a people, and make me react with 'I never knew that'.

I want to like this book because there is so much in it that is of interest to me but I have a very very big problem with the narrative viewpoint and structure. Throughout the 8 chapters you seem to drop into a point of view for two sentences and then randomly move to an omniscient narrator or someone else e.g. Olatz in Ch7 or the mother at the end of Ch1. In theory all of this is supposed to be from the viewpoint of the Old warrior but after some 'we' and 'us' about the Basque people, he vanishes completely as a personality colouring the tale.

I know it is a convention to enter the tale itself from a starting point of 'the story told by X' but there are just too many stories being told to us that were told to someone else, who was told it by someone else, and too many random changes.

Look at the 1st chapter; first Charlemagne is crowned. Omniscient narrator gives account. Instead of the heavy 'At that very same moment' two sentences, you could use the convention ****8 and cut to the next section. readers know that the the two scenes are going to be connected at some point. Next we see the viewpoint of the Benedictine monk. He tells us the story of the Old warrior but we actually lose sight of the monk straight away. The Old warrior tells us the story of Inaki but we lose sight of the Old warrior straight away. Complicated!

This is how I would structure it and choose viewpoint. Don't ever be tempted to jump into more than one viewpoint per section so choose the one that suits your purpose best. If you're showing someon'es thoughts or something only he/she knows like Olatz being prgenant, then you're in his/her head and giving his/her viewpoint. I'd cut all that opening scene of Charlemagne's coronation. It's not a dynamic start to the novel and it doesn't create a hook to read on. I'd start with the Old Warrior arriving at the monastery, giving the monk's viewpoint and end the section with 'the story he told would shake the world. Then I'd make a ***** cut and tell the story of Inaki without any suggestion of it being narrated by the Old warrior (or the monk). I'd tell it as chronological narrative, probably taking Inaki's viewpoint but I'd look at that as part of the overall structure. If it's important that we know about Olatz, she needs a section in her point of view.

The switches to the Sisters of the Moon add narrative interest but again, watch that you don't jump around from one person to the other. i skimmed the latter chapters so I can't comment in detail.

Another smaller suggestion is that the flea image doesn't work for me and is so extended that it becomes quite important. Flesa might be small but there are usually LOTS of them. 'If they were so few, they could be compared to fleas' doesn't work for me and the image gets a bit confused if you read it all through.

I hope this is helpful because I love the historical content and would thoroughly enjoy reading this book if there were some changes to point of view and structure.

Nitpick
In your pitch 'secrets as they...' needs 'they' cut for the sentence to be grammatically correct, and then there's a bit of a muddle in the next two sentences. 'The story of...Wolf-Dog ' is not a sentence (fine) but it doesn't make sense either.

strachan gordon wrote 276 days ago

Hello Aitor , I think this is a beautiful well-crafted book about an area of Spain that is very little known in the UK , I loved your well-informed comments on the Navarrese character - a part of Spain that has always interested me , is that where you are originally from? For a Spanish speaker to write so well in English is extremely impressive. Backed . Would you have the time to look at my book 'A Buccaneer' set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

Renaud wrote 445 days ago

A compelling adventure tale well told. The writing is vivid and there is a good balance between dialogue and narrative text. ---

Fascinating in that it gives an insight into a time and a people that are rarely the subject of stories. ---

I look forward to reading the next chapters. ---

My only quibble is the bit in the first chapter that states: "... shake the very foundations of the Christian World..." this phrase is on the back cover of every book that copies Dan Brown, there must be other ways to convey this concept without this cliche.

hockgtjoa wrote 465 days ago

Fascinating. I have backed it even though I usually require that a book give a hint of where it is headed....

Margaret Woodward wrote 472 days ago

The Moon Worshippers is a gripping read, demanding attention from the start in spite of a high proportion of narrative full of background facts. You have a strong 'story telling' voice and the characters and incidents are vividly portrayed and the history is very much part of the story, which may explain why it does not feel to a reader that he is being fed information. This must surely be a book for publishers to take seriously and I agree with the commenter below who likens it to, I guess, Rosemary Sutcliffe, who was a wonderful writer of historical novels for the young.

To nit pick, I came across many commas in odd places, and almost all the semi-colons you used were used incorrectly and commas would have been correct. May I suggest checking up on these?

Also, - this may be as a result of the format in which Authonomy has put your uploaded bookand not your doing - speeches are sometimes confusingly split, breaking the convention that everything a speaker says at one time follows on, even if 'he said' or the like intervenes. A reader will assume that where there is a new line it will mean a new speaker has taken over. Quite often it wasn't. Where the speeches stand alone a reader needs to know that the speakers are alternating correctly - or he becomes muddled, stops to reread, and you have lost him.

In the first chapter there is an example of sentence reversion which appears elsewhere. 'His mother's attitude... ...made life difficult for the boy.' In its context, again the reader has to turn back to the beginning to get the full meaning - and slows down the reading.

In Ch 1 you talk of 'infirmed' persons instead of 'infim'. In Ch 7 shoal instead of shawl and broach instead of brooch warn not to rely too much on the spell-checker. Just glitches for when you are editing.

Starred and will shelve soon. I wish you well with this lovely book and would love to read the rest. Margaret Woodward: The Devil's Bairn

lamiel wrote 524 days ago

Hi, Aitor

This is a mesmerizing read. I am a lover of Historical fiction... and you certainly grabbed my attention. I love the narrative voice. The use of relatively short sentences with a beautiful cadence pushes us along. Where I am not as convinced is the dialogue. It sounds a bit stilted/formal and would benefit from more contractions, and incomplete sentences. (as one normally talks, especially when coming out of the mouths of simple village people). Other than that this is a recommended book...about early medieval history. Love it! Will back it as soon as I have space.

Good luck !!!
Miguel (Absentee Bidder)

hikey wrote 530 days ago

' The Moon Worshippers '

It is evident how much research and effort has gone into this well written work. You have a clear focus on the time frame into which the characters and dialogue are well integrated.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark '

Jack Hughes wrote 530 days ago

Always interested to read a book about Charlemagne. This is a fascinating and very intriguing story, superb attention to detail and a very compelling plot. Excellent work.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack

child wrote 535 days ago

The Moon Worshippers - In the opening chapter the author has drawn a sharp contract between the opulence of Charlemagne's crowning and the austere surroundings, in which the Basque warrior's tale is related before he dies. Add to this, a monk confused by what he has heard over a number of days, who does not want to believe what has been said but knowing in his heart the warrior has spoken the truth, hastening to take documents to his abbot and this has so many hooks to draw a reader in deep.
The writing smoothly melds fictional and actual characters together and weaves them into the great deal of research the author must have carried, whilst flitting between two stories, which are travelling together to converge past with the present ie: the period the tale is set in. Throughout the four chapters read, the backstory of fiercely independent Basques, fascinating in itself, is told together with their culture and customs. Settings are described well, characters are robust, dialogue realistic and the authors writing is very fluid and evocative.
This is an intelligent work and a thoroughly enjoyable read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Fred Le Grand wrote 544 days ago

This absolutely superb story deserves to be read and re-read.
Imaginative and well-crafted it focusses on an unusual period of European history about which little is written. I really enjoyed it but felt it needs an edit.
You use the word 'had' too much and you should take 'that' out of most sentences. There is an occasional passive sentence which detracts. Scratch most if not all of the words ending in -ly. It would strengthen the writing.
Try these tips and see what you think.
I thought this is one of the best historical novel on this site. I can't believe you won't get it published!
Superb!

Pretzki wrote 545 days ago

Your study and thereby knowledge of Charlemagne is commendable, and if I were in need of research information on the matter I would know where to turn. As a work of fiction I find that instead of taking me to the place you are bringing it to me. Your descriptive work is on par with that of Tolstoy, in that some 700 pages into War & Peace Tolstoy takes near on three pages to describe the forest. Fine in a time when readership travelled less and there were no visual stimuli such as the TV or the silver screen. Now epic films have placed the visual in our head way before we pick up a book.
I thank you for placing my early work on your bookshelf and except that it is likely to be now removed, but I do like to say as I see, and what I see is a writer knitted closer to Non-fiction than fiction

Elizabeth.NYC wrote 558 days ago

This is a fascinating story that opens with two seemingly unconnected scenes--one filled with grandeur with Charlemagne in St. Peter's with the Pope. This scene is epic and elegantly described. The second (not connected, but as we learn later it is deeply connected) is a humble scene as an old warrior dies in a monastery. The contrast in the two scenes is striking - a dirty rag over the warriors face, the feel of the stark environment, the cold. This leads into a narrative of what first seems to be ramblings, but as the monks learn, turn out to be secrets. The text flows well. I love the imagery, and the story of the old warror - which becomes the premise of this book is a great hook. The work is not only gripping, it is intelligent.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

brinskie1 wrote 592 days ago

Shelved The Moon Worshippers - Good pitch. [My dictionary has no listing for Worshipers spelled with double p. Am I missing something?] The writing is good, but tends to be a little wordy, which is generally the case in an early draft, and maybe not worth mentioning. Now that I have mentioned it, let me point out a couple of things meant only as constructive criticisms. - - 'In that time he had fought fifty four great battles.' Delete 'In that time', it is understood from the previous sentence. 'went to Mass in St Peter's Basilica in Rome on Christmas Day.' Do what ever is necessary to get rid of at least one of the uses of in. 'went to Rome's St. Peter's Basilica for Mass on Christmas Day.' would be one of several options. Good work, and happy editing.
G.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like to see your take on Einstein, an offbeat lit. fiction/urban fantasy, if your time allows. Thanks.]

Eunice Attwood wrote 597 days ago

WOW! This is fantastic. The pitch alone had me hooked. Your research must have taken days, months, even years. Congratulaions on a masterpiece. This is the work of a master craftsman. Congratulations.Backed for sure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Colin Normanshaw wrote 606 days ago

Tremendous. There are few books I have seen on here that grip the reader so well. This is not achieved by some dramatic action sequence, but by telling the story of a story having been told. Quite remarkable. I am more than happy to back this - it deserves to go right to the top. Colin

philip john wrote 607 days ago

This is a superbly crafted book, well worthy of the support it has been receiving. Congratulations!

Philip John

fh wrote 608 days ago

THE MOON WORSHIPPERS
An interesting part of history - of which I know very little. The part I read was very detailed and simply packed with historical facts. You have woven all this into the narrative quite effortlessly. The book is well presented and the story moves along at a cracking pace. Backed with pleasure.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

richard thurston wrote 609 days ago

Latin and stuff just how I pictured it. A clever write and clearly well researched. Mostly an enjoyable read and of the genre very accomplished.

Richard

JD Revene wrote 614 days ago

Aitor

This is a fascinating story and I got caught up reading it. The history is interesting, but it's the story of the boy and the wolf-dog that really grabs the attention.

There are places the writing seems slighty clumsy (for example when you 'the dogs' in dialogue bracketed) but the story was good enough that I didn't pause to note these spots--something I would usually do. There's nothing an editor couldn't easily fix.

Backed.

Roger Thurling wrote 621 days ago

This is very much to my taste: good clear prose, appropriate vocabulary, steady pace, and everything well-researched and well thought through. Convincing.
Backed with pleasure.
RT

Sandra Davidson wrote 628 days ago

I've been reading your book with great interest. Your story is compelling, your skill at writing very good Your knowledge of the time of Charlrmagne awesome. I'm sure a lot of research went into it.

My only criticism is that sometimes your chapters are way too long.This makes reading them a chore. Easy enough to fix.

Also, there is, perhaps, a little too much history lesson in those long chapters. Not so easily fixed since the reader needs to know the history to understand your story.

I wish you luck in getting your book published.
Sandra Davidson - COLD MOON RISING

David Bradley wrote 629 days ago

Only had a quick look - little time at present and lots to do. This seems very intriguing and my sort of book. Like the writing.
Backed.

Sly80 wrote 629 days ago

'Death, it must be said, had a way of sitting easily on Charlemagne's shoulders', we are in no doubt that this man is not the hero of the story. The first words of the old warrior leave me wondering how much of their tradition is fact and how much fiction. They are striking either way, 'Basques ... tell the whole truth before they die'. So we start the story of Inaki, the outsider, the boy who finds a wolf cub. '...like the rest of us', at this point we have moved from the priest's recollections to the warrior's own words. We have been swallowed by the Basque's story without even noticing...

It's when Inaki meets Aguirre that the story really comes alive - the dialogue and action, the manoeuvring and learning, and even the humour, 'I hope you're worth it'. The detail throughout is as skilfully wrought as that on Charlemagne's finery. This is an intriguing mix of accurate history with mythic overtones, plus a wealth of other knowledge such as wolf-dogs. It's the kind of work that will find me Googling between chapters. Most important of all, it has a great protagonist in the brave and proud Inaki ... backed.

Possible nits: 'the thought soothed ... struck by [other] thoughts'. 'only the monks that [who] had'. 'His mother's attitude', whose mother? Ah, The baby's - needs to say so. 'both boy and dog [wolf?] remained very still' (to distinguish it from the other dogs).

nsllee wrote 632 days ago

Hi Aitor

A few nitpicks:

I don't know if you want to say "year of our Lord 800AD" since AD actually means "year of our Lord"? Either "year of our Lord" or "AD", not both
"statue", not "statute"
don't need "in Latin"
"its Emperor", not "it's Emperor"
"as disinterested parties", not "as a disinterested parties"
no need to repeat again that the monastery is in the Pyrenees near the Roncesvalles pass
"infirm person", not "infirmed person"

This is a great story. I love the period and the savage life, with hints of the spiritual world, that the people live. And learning something about the Basques is very welcome too. You conjure up time, place and character very effectively, although the section with the monk was a bit repetitive. But Charlemagne's crowning and the story of Inaki and the wolfcub are beautifully realised. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Cariad wrote 633 days ago

Do you know what? I wish in a way that you'd started the book with chapter two. It dives right into character and story - whereas chapter one is a bit more 'tell' - more like reading an informative history book. I realise the job its doing, but I just felt the second chapter was more appealing as a read, if its a historical thriller.

That's an observation only, one that is maybe only me. I have no problem with the subject, the quality of your writing or any thing, and am backing on that.
Polly
STONES.

name falied moderation wrote 634 days ago

Lovely to see that you have cherried my comment....just following your climb. so glad to see you doing so well.

if you have backed my book thank you.
Best of luck

Denise
The Letter

tisseurdecontes wrote 634 days ago

This is a very interesting story. I've just finished the first chapter. You seem to repeat a few times the idea that the dying warrior's story was interesting. You might want to consider removing some of the repetition.

You have a style that is engaging, easy to read and grabs the interest of the reader.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

CamilleS wrote 635 days ago

I enjoy historical fictional and enjoyed reading this. Well done! Backng.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Vall wrote 635 days ago

Hi Aitor
I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of this and am happy to back it. Best wishes
Vall
Midwyf

CarolinaAl wrote 637 days ago

Consider reducing the number of exclamtion marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an intelligent, fascinating historical. You skillfully captured my attention, and then my mind. Relatable characters. Authentic dialogue that evokes the era. Accomplished storytelling. Artful writing. Backed.

livid wrote 665 days ago

Hi, I am sorry that this comment does not help you in any way just yet, other than to let you know that I think your work is worth backing, but I am getting used to the site slowly. Also, work commitments and writing are being squeezed to try to keep up. After the first days I thought that the reading returns and support would slow but as yet they have not even begun to. So, in order to be fair I am backing everyone who I think deserves it, thanking everyone who has backed me and keeping an increasingly long list to get back to and give my hand written comments over. I hope this is ok with you? Cheers.

Amy R wrote 673 days ago

Very interesting. Kept my attention. The lore and history of the tale is to be commended. Your writing isn't too heavy but be careful. Your momentum is built in a steady even stroke, subtly tightening of the drama.

Your craft suits you.

Well done.

AmyR
Trust Me

celticwriter wrote 679 days ago

Hi Aitor. Firstly, thank you for backing LONDON. I enjoyed your synopsis, which led me easily to your book. Nice painting of words, nice visual you bring.

blessings,
jim

name falied moderation wrote 681 days ago

Dear Aitor
This is a well crafted book, and obviously you have done much research. Your book cover and pitches are superb CONGRATS, and the characters you have painted are vivid in their color. I do love a good read that is based on fact and I believe this is a good example.. I remember years ago coming across my first historical fiction author and I could not let her go, she was a prolific writer and I am hoping you are the same .
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

klouholmes wrote 682 days ago

Hi Aitor, The crafting held my attention, going from Charlemagne to the Warrior and then to the boy Inaki. The Basques are a fascinating people and the storytelling here focuses and re-focuses until it’s irresistible with the boy and wolf cub. The connection between the political French and the Basques isn’t often explored. It’s probably a dumb question but was Charlemagne Celtic or what? Enjoyed this! Shelved with pleasure – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

SusieGulick wrote 682 days ago

Dear Aitor, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Despinas1 wrote 682 days ago

Brilliant. Backed
Helen
The Last Dream

EltopiaAuthor wrote 685 days ago

Interesting story which has me now interestedf in Charlemange, a king no one has ever gotten me interested in before. The story makes history accessible and interesting; it reads much better than a textbook, although there is still too much passive tense. Passive tense is what authors use when they don't know who did what. They only know something happened.

As we use more active tense, less passive tense, we not only have more interesting reading, we come off as knowing what we are talking about. (Most historians really don't know what they are talking about. The may know what was done but not who did it, that kind of stuff.)

In response to your request for comments/critique:

I allow only three nits per comment, so here are yours:

To "keep out the cold day" I would have eliminated the word "day." Just to keep out the cold would suffice.

I liked the description (para 2) of the king's clothing, though I thought more interesting verbs would have improved it. "He had," used twice, is OK but a little weak. Don't misunderstand me, as I do think it is well written.

"Could only be matched," I would eliminate the "could only be" part of that sentence. Just leave "matched." As in, "The red ruby matched the blood ..."

Let me know when you have read this and I will delete it, if you like, OK?

Craig Ellis wrote 685 days ago

Rich setting and great historical background. This book promises adventure, courage, and bloody mayhem, and delivers. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

kwestion wrote 690 days ago

I loved this descriptive beginning with the crowning where the story then seamlessly moves from the glory of Rome to a remote Monastery. This is a story you can sink into. Well done with good characters.

I noticed a few things, in the latin there is vicotria that should be victoria unless I'm mistaken and also in the part starting with *So it was that the boy came and stayed, as one amongst equals. Yet he was not one of us.* That *US* suggests that there is an invisible first person narrator, at least in my mind. Maybe it would be better with *Yet he was not one of them*?

You've woven a new colorful weave out of old history mixed with other things and I find it very intriguing. Backed with pleasure.

K
Nick Keen's Guide to Ghost Cleaning

Battle Knyght wrote 692 days ago

Original, great concept.
Descriptive narrative too literal, listing, not figurative.
Worth taking the time to sort out, then I and others would back it.
BK

Wilma1 wrote 696 days ago

I don’t know anything about this period of history and I found it quite fascinating. I was sucked in to the story and became immersed immediately. You have obviously put a lot of hours into research and it’s a joy to read. I can’t find anything to fault with it and I am sure it will do well.

Sue Mackender

Knowing Liam Riley-
I hope you enjoy it.