Shine On

Hi Phil, A great opening and first chapter. Brilliant voices and matter of fact humour. The lads.
Backed for a very good start.
Best wishes and good luck, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

You sure did capture a mood. You set us right there in paragraph one and anchored us.

Fair crits.

Tried to get into it but couldn't, just not my sort of book. Wouldn't pass any comments, wouldn't be right, sorry.

mike.

Fair Critics Review
I have a hard time with first person POV. I wouldn't even mention that, except it has been my experience that a fair amount of people have difficulty with it (reading it, I mean. Not writing it). My personal opinion is that this POV/tense is less forgiving than third person, and for that reason, the writing has to be exceptional. I say this before I've even read your second line, so I'm just making a general statement here.

There's a lot of slang that I'm unfamiliar with. But the writing is strong enough that I am happy to stick with it. And I can tell even from the first chapter that your story needs it. It's part of its charm. Also, I'm sure readers from your neck of the woods will have a lot less difficulty understanding all of it.

Some lines seem overdescriptive or over telling. "numbed more by the demoralising banality of life than the blow to my prize winning testicles" seemed a bit too much telling to me.

You have some great bits scattered throughout your chapters that work to keep the reader in the story. At the end of chapter one, for example. When your MC sees the odds of 3 to 1 and says that his heart just isn't in it. I thought that was a great line and helped me see him as not just anohter brawler. The unusual and well written descriptions like this have the beneficial effect of giving your characters originality.

I felt that there was some transitional scenes missing between chapters 1, 2 and 3. I had some trouble following the story and could have used a few language "hints" to help me remember who is who and how they got from chapter one to chapter two to chapter three.

The writing is solid but I agree with plod that there are some clarity issues here that could benefit from either less dialiect or more description of what is going on in the story.

****Fair Critters Review****

Short pitch: Graphic. Works well, except for the tail end. A little tweaking might sharpen the impact.

Long pitch: Nicely done: clear and to the point.

Good strong voice in chapter 1. Might make for an easier read if you keep the dialect to the dialogue.
Good wry humour.
Two ‘Barnets’ with different meanings in one paragraph is confusing, especially for those who don’t speak Cockney.
Effective characterisation but they are all a little unlikeable. I want to sympathise a little with these guys. Give us a little chink of light, a little hint of softness.
Chapter 2. I’m beginning to get a better understanding of Neil here. I enjoyed the estate-agent’s smooze. I’m sure that’s very Potters Bar.
‘subatomic detail’ brilliant
Might be an idea to put the name of the character whose POV we are looking through with the chapter title?
Chapter 3: icky subject matter. Very effective though, I will need to scrub the visual images from my mind.
Overall, I see this as a competitor to ‘Lock Stock’ or ‘Layer cake’. Might benefit from a reduction in dialect in the prose to aid clarity.

**FC Review**

I got through reviewing chapters 1, 4 and 5 -- and rather than hitting update on the last edit, I hit delete. *headslam* -- I'll do my best to recreate.....

Chapter 1: The first paragraph and opening lines of dialogue didn't really hook me. I felt the writing was a bit over the top -- to flowery, to 'in character' -- I had a tough time carring about the character. In truth we have some anti-hero themes which will appeal, but overall I wanted something a bit more approachable to sink my teath into.

I jumped on to chapter 4: Again, the first line was rather purple in phrasing. And yet I could see where you were going - I got the appropriate sense of shock and awe. When you get to the paragraph "My eyes had been open. Now my eyes were open" and then the next paragraph you mention eyes again -- I felt a bit like you'd already made the point. This felt a little redundant. Overall my impression of this scene was that you use vision and hearing well, but I wanted more sensory overload. The bubblegum on the jeans - what did it smell like? The alcohol on the floor - is it cold and dampening the shirt? Give me all five senses.

You do well holding the tense and voice of fragments. There were a couple of swings to past tense that could be easily recrafted for clarity. The one I remember was "reintroduced me". And that word 'introduced' used here mid chapter and in the final paragraph actually felt a bit formal. I thought the last paragraph in particular was well crafted with that one word exception. I did like the concluding sentences.

Chapter 5: Here I liked the opening. Very strong sense of place and well introduced backstory. Again - liked the ending. Overall this chapter gave me the empathy I longed for earlier. As such, I liked this one the best of the three. Only nit was "Me heartburn" -- since it's a internal thought/voice I would keep it "My".

Good luck with this

Backed with pleasure
warm wishes
Hatts

Fair Critters review, Cheesy.
Dang, this is well written, in part. Will get back to that later.
Skid mark. Loved how he got his name, which equals imagination. Not a big fan of swearing but comes with the genre.
Am impressed with some sentences I read. “Tries repeatedly to locate his lips around an unlit fag, like he’s playing darts in reverse.” Hilarious.

What happened in chapter 2? Is it the same person? The first person account has changed in his language, which I think is not supposed to happen. Hum. Get kind of lost as I read. The more I read, the more I get confused. Is this written strictly for the UK?

Chapter 3. Back to English. Good. I can read this. Yet... I sense brilliance between a serious need for editing. You have amazing talent, and too much written down.

“Even the fridge magnets have more pizzaz than I do.” Where do you come up with this? Leaves me depressed cus its so freakin good. But...I just can’t get into this. Not sure but I think it just comes down to not moving enough. “Fiona jets back into the room like a splash of tonic.” Every sentence is...overdone, like I’m walking into a wildly painted room filled with curios in every single spot...

All I could suggest is tighten it up and slow down a bit. You have an amazing ability to convey thoughts, just take your time and let the story work its way out without every sentence being overwritten.
Paul
We’ve Seen the Enemy

Fair Critter Review – Shine On

Have to admit, I was kinda lost in this. Couldn’t figure out whose pov I was in, then where the plot was. To be honest, the dialect made it hard to read. Mind you, I’m not against dialect but I think a little can go a long way. Like the line in ch2: “I’ve bin chrina broader the scope of me acquaintances recently, to dilute the violent bias he imparts in social proceedings.” I read that slowly four times and I still don’t get it. But I’m also American so maybe that’s part of the problem!

On the other hand: “Given the choice, I’d rather go into battle with the Salvation Army” is brilliant! And that’s not the only really good line.

Ch1: “ suede length hair”, didn’t quite work for me. What was it, like peachfuzz? The backstory on Skid Mark is very good.

Ch3—This was a lot more coherent and the visuals better. I didn’t feel quite so bounced around. The paragraph started ‘“I’m . . .” surplus to this party’s requirements ... etc.’ is fabulous. Another example of when you get it right, you get it VERY right.

There’s a great imagination at work here and very true-to-life inner monologue. Anyone who was of age in the nineties can see that you’re not only a good writer, but a great observer. I think your only problem here is translating what’s in your mind to a form that readers can both identify with and understand enough to hold them within the story. –Barb (Silent Hoofbeats)

What a great voice and style, everything about this felt gritty and real, right down to skid mark. This is the first time I’ve read anything like this on this forum, it’s good

Famlavan – Museum of Old Beliefs

An interesting pitch for a plot with lots going on. You have an individual writing voice, and Neil's first person narration is very realistically done, making us feel that we can hear him speaking, but not overdone or hard to follow. Then you do the same for Grant , telling us, again in the first person, about his night out with Hitman, which is full of black humour. Finally Wayne lets us into his feelings when Fiona dumped him, and his need for a girl. You bring all these characters to life marvellously, moving your story forward at a good fast pace. You write well, holding our interest from the beginning. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

So Skid Mark didn't like to sell to the guys that bullied him in school. Can't say as I blame him.
Good hook at the end of the chapter.

The narrator sounds like a real punk.
Backing
Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Convincing, clever and very readable!
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

Fair Crit

I was convinced I'd hate this, but I was wrong. Once I got into the speech I found the story and once I found that, I found the humour.
Reading some of the stuff on the forum it seems you've made some big changes, I've no idea what, but this all seems good to me.
The opeing chapter told me more about Neil than a yard of narrative ever could.
Chapter two.
I had to read it twice to get the feel, but i'm not your target audience who will have no problems, once I got my head around it, I could appreicate what a good wordsmith you are. In a very few words I knew just what a moron The Hitman is and how Mark, despite everything life has dished out to him, has a brain and some aspirations.
I've been in pubs like that as well, you captured them perfectly, the only thing missing was the lifestyle magazines...makes you want to heave.
Chapter three
Excellent bit of writing. Every party guest cliche, the bore, the net worker, the horrible hostess, but served up fresh and ridiculded with a new eye. Liked the way Neil stole Derek's cab.

The whole thing is violent and I don't like the "c" word, but I'm female and we tend not too, but its also funny and there's a great deal of social observation which was intelligent and insightful.

The dialogue is so spot on that all the grammatical & structural problems barely matter. (Of course they matter; you'll tweak them all out.)

It's raw; it's rough. But it's just so damn real that you'll leave a mark with it.

Good for you.

Mark R. Trost
"Post Marked."

Mark,

Your book seems interesting but I only glanced at it. You bio too.

Could you mention one or two grammatical & structural problems as I don't see any myself. This isn't a rough draft from that perspective. I want to get better. Throw this rough old mutt a bone will ya?

The dialogue is so spot on that all the grammatical & structural problems barely matter. (Of course they matter; you'll tweak them all out.)

It's raw; it's rough. But it's just so damn real that you'll leave a mark with it.

Good for you.

Mark R. Trost
"Post Marked."

Loads of guts and hysterical. The narration is so evocative, it's beautiful. Backed. Lynn

This is great! Similar to th eroughteens from my story The Cheech Room - just another country - love the way this story reads - very smooth and polished! Backed it!

Having lived in London most of my life and running 5 pubs, I knew some of these guys, I swear it. My uncle was labelled King of Cockney Saga. Personally, I found some of his dialogue a little tough on the eyes. I had no trouble with this. Personal preference I guess. More modern.
Loved it, backed it.
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George (hope you'll take a look)

..........CRITERING CRONE CLUB HERE.......OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT........

I attended a Writers Conference......A Literary Agent gave a speech on ‘How Not to Present A Manuscript’.....Top of the list was opening with dialogue......She said.....’It’s like sitting in the theatre, the play begins but the curtain does not rise’ The only person able to visualise the characters and see the setting is the writer....

I know Mark & Neil are outside Mark's flat, but I didn't have a picture in my my minds eye of the opening scene when they were talking...infact not until Mark slammed the porthole.....Even then I dont know if it was a council block or a penthouse in Belgravia.

******I am going to stop making my son chocolate nutella sandwiches***** he can have cheese or nothing.

Tries repeatedly to locate his lips around an unlit fag.........hillarious, that made me howl.....

I hate the word 'cunt' most women do.....Its not that I dont spit, swear, drink and go with men....I do all those things, I just never say 'cunt'.....I'd save that for a couple of chapters until you've established a chord of familiarity with the reader...(and the literary agent has already asked for your full ms)

As mates they’re sadly lacking, but as scapegoats for me unavoidable flatulence they’ll certainly suffice........(hillarious and such a manly thing to do, my husband blames our dog, dont know what he'll do when the mutt snuffs it, have an arse transplant likely).......

cunt habitually violates........(that word again, mmmmmm)

quadriplegic doing the Okie Kokie......(bad taste, I didn't like it, not at all......I think you could just about pull this off if this was dialogue and you were using this level of insensitivity and vulgerness to profile a character.....but this is your narrator speaking, so I couldn't swallow this)....

I'm a Jock living in London, I had no problem with the regional accent, but I think ...me this, and me that, might grate on the nerves of some readers....

I've only read the first two chapters, I just wanted you to know I'm on the case.....I laughed out loud, I really enjoyed this.....Great camaradie between characters...

Shelved of course...

I was laughing out loud before the end of the first page. The characterization is brilliant In fact I think I know a few of them. You have the time the feel the ridiculousness of the era spot on. A cleaver book that deserves to do, well and amusing read.
Hope you have a moment to look at my book
Sue Mackender - Knowing Liam Riley

I haven't found this easy. It certainly isn't a book to be read with half an eye on other things. That's not intended as criticism, far from it. I'm loving the challenge of the language, the relentless action, the intertwined characters - this is exactly the sort of writing that could take this site, and elsewhere, by storm. Ostensibly, a series of episodes from the 'rave' generation of the nineties when E was the basis for having a good time, these are not role models. Nor would they want to be.
It's a tough world your characters find themselves, violence is a way of life and they wouldn't want it any other way. I love the richly inventive language, the banter - 'Skid Mark' just has to come from your own experience - and the subtle touches that bring a scene to life.
I've read all your chapters. I'll remember this book. It could just be the next big thing. I'd like to read more now.
Backed with great approval.
Jared
Mummy's Boy.

Fair Critters Critique

Hi Phil,

I read your 6 chapters in one go, just to get the flow, and then I read again and took notes. I have to say that this is the kind of thing that must just be read first, before attempting any kind of critique.

I wasn’t sure about it at first. It seemed kind of experimental and I stumbled a little trying to work out who was who and what was what. I don’t mind that, especially if the effort is worthwhile. And it was. The characters began to take shape. The vernacular began to make sense. Then we were really up and running.

I like to be challenged as a reader. The world you have to work to enter is often a better one to visit. Having cracked the code, I found myself in a world where Alex Delarge (Clockwork Orange), Raoul Duke (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) and Mark Renton (Trainspotting) meet up and speak a common patois while fuelling themselves with drugs. I like an antihero. These guys are not going to hold your hand as you tiptoe through the tulips along a perfect plotline, all the while carefully explaining everything so you don’t trip up, (even if it is Show disguised as Tell). Christ, even vampires are cool college kids these days.

The world you show us through the minds and mouths of these reprobates is one that resonates for me, even though my experiences hark back to a different time. I lived in London in the late sixties and early seventies, the only real difference being that the drugs have become more sophisticated.

Overall impression? Well worth the journey. The rave scene is just brilliant, and the crisp packet punch line had me in stitches. The patois is fearless – ‘chrina’ – respect. The problem here is that people on this site who start out with notebook and pen in hand are not going to get it, never mind get to the main course of this excerpt. More fool them because one thing’s for certain, you can really write, and without a safety harness.

Forget my chapter notes. They are only a log of my initial struggle to get my head round the characters and then my delight when I got there. You know what you’re doing. The bottom line is, anything you do to make the reader’s life easier will amount to compromise.

This is different, and it gets my vote. You are one crazy diamond.

Best Regards
Mike

Shine On – “Fair Critter” critique

Ah, fresh meat. Just kidding. Here we go.

Pitch:
Short pitch is a great attention-grabber and gives an immediate snapshot of the kind of story and characters inside. Long sums things up nicely as well. (Typo: “women” should be “woman”) You might consider breaking the final paragraph into two sentences rather than the semicolon. What would then be final sentence, though, is a bit difficult to wrap my head around. I like the concept of it, but it needs a bit of tweaking to deliver the punch without the “huh?”

Ch1:
First person? Didn’t expect that. The pitch seems to imply more of an ensemble set-up. The “Neil, it’s you,” line threw me, because I read it in the sense of “Neil, it’s you that’s the problem,” not “Oh, Neil, here you are at the door.” This is probably because you’ve just said what contempt Mark holds for them.

Once I reread that and figured it out, I was able to sink into the story. You’ve got a strong voice. Just be careful about going too far with it – it sometimes got so thick with creative prose that I have to reread to unravel it. Part of this was probably the odd popping in of “us” and “we” that I haven’t figured out yet. (Okay, I’ve figured this is a dialect thing, but until that’s clear, it’s confusing.)

Ch2:
Ah, okay, I get it now. First person, but the POV character shifts. Tricky and potentially disorienting, but it can be done. Really, I couldn’t figure out what was going on (or what had happened between chapters) for the first half of the chapter. Once the Schrodinger’s cat conversation started, I had something to hold onto, and I was able to follow what was happening from there. You may need to find a way to provide the reader a few more signposts so they can follow – a tricky thing to do without being heavy-handed.

Typos(?): “bare (bear)” “lung (long)”

Ch3:
I cheated and skimmed ahead to find out whose POV this is, then started reading the chapter. This one, I’m just not sure what to make of it. So, Neil has gotten the job at Albany Life? We get a little insight to Neil, but I don’t get it. He wants friends, but not the likes of Hitman, nor Fiona and her crowd.

Protagonists don’t have to be likeable, necessarily, but there does have to be some kind of interest. Grant had hints of being interesting in the last chapter. Neil had a few, too, when he wasn’t the POV character. This chapter painted Neil as boring and obnoxious – not a good sign – mostly because nothing really happens in this chapter. He’s at a party where he knows no one and it sucks. Sounds harsh, but my reaction is, “So what?”

Ch4:
Wayne now – got it. No charmer, but he’s a character.

I went through chapters 5 and 6 as well, since some of the chapters are fairly short. Again, it’s when we’re in Grant’s head that I feel like there’s something going on.

This has enormous potential, and you’ve got imagination and voice to spare. My main suggestion is to find ways to make sure you don’t lose the reader – either to lack of interest or confusion. Jumping around to the different POVs makes it easy to spend a lot of time establishing characters and setting things up without much moving the story forward. Like I said, though, it can be done.

Hope some of this is helpful. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)