Book Jacket

 

rank 292
word count 116450
date submitted 13.02.2010
date updated 22.07.2011
genres: Literary Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Age of Rhinestone

blue boy

I love reluctant heroes—this work of satire woven into a dramatic backdrop gives two such characters center stage.

 

The Age of Rhinestone creates a world of immense suffering. After the worldwide stock market crash of 2020, the world is cast into political, social, and economic ruin, and a global dark age emerges. After 140 years of depression and war some people have found solace in the lyrics of old songs, and an Elvis cult has formed. This novel is a character sketch of the psychology of religion, but was written so that it can be enjoyed by anyone who appreciates a good read with a strong, narrative voice. It would do well if marketed to universities with a strong religious studies department, but should be able to cross over to mainstream readers easily.

RANSOM's fiancée, Lily, has left him at the altar and joined the Elvists. He infiltrates their temple only to discover catholic assassins are coming to kill Ray, the cult’s leader. To get Lily out before the assassins arrive, Ransom grudgingly agrees to get Ray out also. When Lily is abducted Ransom and Ray must work together to rescue her, and a journey unlooked for begins. The interaction between Ransom and Ray, as Ransom becomes Ray’s unenthusiastic pupil, forms the basis of this character-driven plot.

 
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armageddon, capitalism, cult, cultural satire, dark comedy, elvis, elvis cult, hero, literary, midgard serpent, philosophy, philsophy, psychology, rel...

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The Sermon

The doorway opened above a large chamber hollowed out of the earth.  Below a celebration was taking place.  Ransom inched forward and peered over the railing.  The room was not only large but ornate, with carvings and statues and colorful wall coverings.  He had not expected anything like this; no one, not even army investigators, knew the Elvists were so organized.  More amazing was the fact they had managed to keep this subterranean tabernacle secretRansom assumed like everyone else the Elvists were poor and unsophisticated, holding their meetings in member’s homes or out in the desert.  This was a windfall of information the army would not ignore.

He watched as the uninhibited congregation danced joyously around and on the pews, moving freely from one partner to the next.  Old men stood near the walls stomping their feet and clapping their hands as the drums pounded.  Even the very small children were wiggling and waving their hands in the air.

A broad stair led from where Ransom stood down to the main floor, the whole of which was covered with a deep burgundy carpet into which the children dug their toes as they spun around on bare feet. The high walls were dressed with large wooden panels trimmed in silver and equally large brass plates.  In the middle of each panel a detailed scene had been carved, and these had either been colorfully painted or done up in silver with rhinestones set over the heads of what must have been the equivalent of their saints: maestros they called them, if he remembered correctly.  The plates were etched with similar scenes, without the coloration or rhinestones, and were highly polished so that the light from the torches shone on themBoth the plates and the panels were hung head high in an alternating pattern from the front of the chamber to the rear, giving the impression of a solemnity wholly ignored by the dancers.  Ransom did not know much about the cult, but he knew enough about religious symbolism to know the pictures depicted important events in the short history of their religion.  He had seen many such gaudy illustrations in textbooks.

There were two columns of heavily constructed pews, no doubt built where they were as they were too large and cumbersome to have been carried down through the tunnel, all dark stained with intricate gold and silver embellishments.  The craftsman had been partial to exaggerated features far too eccentric for Ransom's plain taste.  He had given the backs and arm rests the most outlandish gothic lines an contours which made them look uncomfortable to sit in. 

The pews were arranged to allow plenty of room for dancing, and the young people were putting the space to good use.  Everyone shook and twirled madly in the main aisle as the brass section cut loose.  Ransom had never seen dancing of this kind before, though the music seemed vaguely familiar.  Every now and again one of the many young women would sail into the air and do her best to hold her skirt down as she plummeted back into her partner’s arms.  It was a very strenuous dance, tiring even to watch, but the practiced moves of the young people made it look effortless. 

Down the middle of the main aisle three enormous oaken beams rose up out of the floor.  On them were fastened many heavy joists and girders which spread up and out in every direction, like sprouting branches, to support a cathedral ceiling. The main pillars and the elaborate system of rafters that extended from it had been chiseled and shaped meticulously so that many dark open-mouthed figures of various shapes and sizes inhabited the trunks and the boughs and the branches.  Ghostly imps forever looked down on this place of worship, their faces frozen in a state of perpetual surprise.  They were curious to look at; Ransom could not tell if the creatures were singing at the tops of their lungs or shocked at what they saw.  When a group of young women came dancing down the aisle toward the altar, he thought perhaps it was a little of both.  They danced slowly forward, working themselves around the crowd toward the alter.  Their thin white gowns hung in the air, trailing behind them like smoky wisps.  Their faces and hands were dusted with a fine white powder that made their skin seem to glow in the torchlight; their lips were of shining silver.  As they danced they moved their bodies in a manner that would have been considered lewd and suggestive even in a Vegas nightclub.  Ransom could not take his eyes off them. 

The room grew pregnant with silence as everyone seated themselves.  Ransom somehow understood that the sudden stillness and quiet was a yielding of life to the sacred and not the profane.  He thought he counted at least fourteen writhing bodies, but because they were moving freely about the altar he could not be sure; there might have been one or two more.  Neither was he sure if Lily was one of them.  He was too far away to see clearly, and even if he had been closer he doubted he could distinguish Lily from the rest.  The white makeup and gowns made them all look alike.  That all of them were slender and dark-haired like Lily did not help matters any, but kept Ransom hopeful. 

He watched intently as the women danced provocatively around the altar undulating their hips and, from time to time, running their hands along their bellies and their thighs.  There was a kind of innocence in their eyes and the motions of their bodies which spoke, at the very least, of purity, if not chastity.  The dance itself was graceful, erotic, and strange.  At first Ransom could not put his finger on it, it just seemed odd.  He was intrigued by the way they thrust their arms and legs out into the air, gyrating their pale forms around the altar.  As he watched, the reason for his fascination became clear.  None of them were dancing to the rhythm of the music!  Each seemed enveloped by a low, harmonious undercurrent only she could hear.  It was as bizarre as it was beautiful.  As if a private muse was singing softly in her ear, each girl moved to an eroticism out of time with the world around her.  Acknowledging no one, not even each other, they swirled around independently, though from time to time their bodies came gently into contactSoon, one by one, they began laying down and danced frantically on the floor before lying very still.  Ransom caught his breath when it was all over, he had too; he had twitched a little himself as they grinded on the floor in a very realistic display of agony.  Ransom wondered what it all meant.

Other than where he was standing, there were only two other doors leading out of the chamber below, both where on the far wall on either side of the altar.  Ransom wanted to explore beyond those doors but there was no way to get to them without going through the chamber.  He was trying to figure out how to go about it, or even if he should, when the door on the left opened.  A man in a cream-colored suit entered and shut the door behind him.  He was tall, dark-skinned, and with grey hair, perhaps in his early sixties.  His steps were light and his eyes glided back and forth over the faces in the congregation as he moved.  He walked quickly to the podium behind the altar and smiled.  The chanting and music came to halt almost immediately as he looked over the room, and when he raised his hand over his head everyone became very still. 

‘Welcome, everyone,’ he said in a sharp, pleasant voice.  ‘It’s good to see you all here tonight.  I see we have some visitors.  Glad to have you with us.'  His eyes sparkled.  ‘Visitors raise your hands!  Several hands went up.  At this his smile grew larger and there was an undeniable sparkle in his eyes.  'Welcome, welcome!  I’m Reverend Skypilot.  Glad you could join us.  If you are seated near a visitor please introduce yourself and shake their hand.  Let them know they’re among friends tonight.’  Skypilot waited a moment as everyone turned to introduced themselves to each other, then, clasping his hands beneath his chin, he stepped out from behind the podium and said,  ‘I guess by now you have all heard about little Joey Everett Arizona, severely beaten last week.’  A murmur traveled through the congregation.  ‘A classmate heard him singing the glory of Elvis to a friendand three young boys conspired to beat the living tar out of him in front of the teeter-totters at recess.’  Another gasp went though the room from those who had not heard.  ‘Please, keep the Everetts in your thoughts tonight as you praise Elvis—’  Skypilot scooted across the floor on one foot and threw his hands in the air.  ‘as you sing to Elvis!.’  He sprang up and his feet left the ground momentarily.  ‘Yes! As you get down with Elvis tonight!’  He squatted low, rose up with a bit of a spin, then cut loose with a little jig as the congregation cheered him on.

‘Yes, keep them in your hearts,’ he continued, more softly. ‘because this is but a pale reflection of the persecution we face from the Christian community, and which threatens to tear us apart, but which can only bring us closer together if we remain faithful to the sweet Song of Elvis.’  Cheers went up from the crowd.  Put your hands together if you Love Elvis,he said clapping his hands. All hands came togetherPraise Elvis!Praise our King and Holy Sender,’ continued Skypilot.  Almost in refrain, he added.  ‘—for She is worthy of praise.’  Ransom was unable to take his eyes off of the preacher

Skypilot wiped his brow with a handkerchief before asking, ‘Can I have an a-huh-huhThe crowd erupted in cheers and shouted, A-huh-huh, and Praise Elvis at the tops of their lungs.  There was the occasional, Thank you Elvis, thrown in—followed more often than not by, Thank you very much!  With all the sobriety of a catholic priest genuflecting, Skypilot made one fluid motion with his hands, as if he were hanging the strap of an air guitar around his neck, before strumming the imaginary instrument twice, from bottom up and then top down. 

Ransom was at a loss.  He watched from behind the blue curtain as Skypilot raised his hand again and again everyone fell silent.  Only the hushing of children and the occasional cry of a baby could be heard.  ‘Just as a rhinestone cannot be polished without friction,’ he continued.  ‘Neither can a person be perfected without trials and tribulations!’  Skypilot spoke for a while about the hardships of living in troubled world.  He spent a lot of time on the nature of pride and how pride was the true source of suffering in the world.  ‘The time is coming,’ he said, when we will do away with pride and the greed that follows, or the wealth that follows after that, and the suffering that comes when those who are empty and wise take more than they need trying to fill themselves up with the insubstantial trifles.’  Everyone cheered again.  He raised his arms up high above his head.  ‘One fine day—Lyrics one, chorus five, verse sixteenyou’re gonna want MeI am Love. I am Peace.’  A look of utter joy came over Skypilot’s face at he thought those words.  ‘And on that fine day pride will have no power over usOne fine day the guiding principle of political office will be to improve society and the world, not simply to do whatever it takes to stay in office.  One fine day democracy will not be defined as hundreds of millions choosing to lead, but a leader chosen for hundreds of millions!  On that day the shadows of the world will crumble and fall away before the light! A-huh-huh! Humanity and humans, mother and child, so long estranged will embrace again under the stars and we will sigh softly in her bosom.  Skypilot flipped through a book quickly.  ‘Turn now in Lyrics one to chorus seven, verse twenty-four: One never knows does one, when Love will come along—then so suddenly, life turns out to be a Song.’  He stopped and smiled out over the congregation.  We must be ready.’  He paused then said, ‘—but isn’t that jus the way of it?   When the spirit of Elvis comes into your heart—Life is a SongWhen Love, our Holy Sender, are the source of light within, you are moved by the music.  And what a glorious feeling it is, a-huh-huh.’ 

Everyone was attentive.  Only the occasional “Yes Elvis from somewhere in the room, softly punctuated Skypilot’s words.  He paused thoughtfully, then, as if turning a page in his mind, he smiled out over his flock once again and said,  ‘Friends—are you lonesome tonight?’

‘So lonesome I could cry!’ yelled a woman from the back of the room.

 Skypilot came down from the stage.  ‘Is your heart filled with pain?’  He waited a moment for the rising cries to die down.  ‘Well I’m here to tell you, you don’ have to be lonely!  You don’t have to know pain!  No sir, friendslisten to me nowElvis is with you.  That’s right!  Elvis, King, and Holy Sender, loves and cares about each and everyone of you here tonight!  That’s the good news!  And I’m here to tell you, it only gets better!  Because the Spirit of the Holy Sender, the sacred feminine spirit that is the mother of us all, life-giving defender of purity.  Her spirit abounds.  It is in each and every one of us!’  Skypilot scanned eyes scanned through the Book of Lyrics.  The Holy Sender desires our gentle, steadfast, affections.  Follow along,’ he said.  Lyrics two, chorus 12, verse 17, tells us The Holy Sender wants us tolove Her tenderly. 

That’s right—skip down to verse 19, halfway down the page: And The Holy Sender said unto Maestro , “tell the western kings to free their slave, for they are my children too.   Only through a Song of grace and  harmony shall they learn of Me.  Only with knowledge of Me may they love Me tenderly.  Only through tender Love shall they come to be loved by Me.  Only through my Love will they receive the gift of eternal life.”’  Skypilot paced back and forth quickly.  ‘Love Me tenderly.’  He repeated the words many times, eyes beaming.  ‘There is nothing I would rather do, how ‘bout you?.’  The congregation cheered in agreement.  ‘What about you?  And you?  Are you ready to LoveAre you ready to sing the Song?  Are you worthy of the gift?he continued.  He seemed to come alive on stage.  And The Holy One does have a whole lotta Love for you.  Can I get an A-huh-huh.

The room shook with a thunderous a-huh-huh.

Turn now in Lyrics to the firs book.’  He waited a moment for the flipping to subsideLyrics two, chorus three, verse eleven—  The Holy Sender is speaking with Maestro Jude, the prophet and father of our metaphysics.  She appears to him as a purple rain cloud on the horizon and spoke of the people of the world, saying, “When they wish the ceiling was the floor, the empty cup will be as sweet as the punch, and the sad Song will be made better. ”’  Skypilot threw his hands up in the air, reveling in the thought of it.  ‘What a wonderful world—,’ he said as a single tear appeared on his cheek, it will be when that day comes!  What a wonderful day when the empty cup becomes sweet like the punch!  Praise Elvis!  Praise His Holy Name!’  The congregation was visibly moved and many soft, Thank you, Elvis’s came from many quivering lips. 

‘Elvis is alive!’ shouted Skypilot, speeding up the tempo.  ‘That’s right!  He is with us here today in this holy place—infused with Her Holy Spirit.  I feel Him all around.  Elvis is with me, and you, and you—and you,’  he said, pointing to various members of the congregation.  He collected his thoughts a moment, then said, ‘Now, I know what you’re thinking—you’re thinking—But Reverend Skypilot, how do you know Elvis lives?  How do you know He is with me? A smile broke like a sunrise across Skypilot’s face.  ‘Lyrics two, chorus nine, verse thirty-seven, tells us, “I saw you crying in the chapel.  I saw you crying in the chapel!  I saw!’  He looked around the room.  Now I ask you, what does that mean?  Please—please tell me now—what does it mean to see something?  I’ll tell you what it means, it mean two things really: first, it means you’re alive.  You can’t see something if you’re dead, now can you. Am I right or am I right?  No, you can’t.  You must be alive to see.  Can we agree on that?

‘Secondly, it means you are thereYou can’t see something if you’re not there to witness it.  You can not see something and know you are seeing it, unless, at least some part of your awareness is present and attending to it!  Praise Elvis!  Now does that mean Elvis is here, physically, hovering in the room?  Not exactly, that’s not what I’m saying—though, He has been born again and walks the earth with us.  A-huh-huh.’ 

The congregation repeats, A-huh-huh, enthusiastically.  

‘What is does mean, is that The Holy Sender—part of Her loving spirit surrounds us at all times.’  Skypilot opened his arms wide and wrapped them around himselfNow I ask you, Is that not comforting to know?’  The joyful smile on his face grew more luminous.  ‘Is it not good to know She is watching over us through the spirit of Elvis and the living embodiment—His divine Incarnation on earth?  ‘Course it is!  What a wonderful feeling!  Don’t that just make you want to get up in the morning and make biscuits from scratch?  I’m telling you what's the truth.’  Skypilot scanned the room.  ‘I see you smiling,’ he said, looking at a man who’s lips were on the verge of curling.  ‘Don’t be shy.  It feels good to know you’re loved, don’t it?  Praise Elvis!’ 

Skypilot held his arms out and said, ‘I walk with beauty,’ and the congregation answered in unison, Beauty is before me.  Skypilot said, ‘Beauty is beside me,’  and the congregation answered,  Above and below me.

‘Elvis , King and Holy Sender has given us much,’ he continued more solemnly.  ‘and we have done much to keep His Song in our hearts—but as the great Maestro once said, “what have we done for Him lately?”  Skypilot nodded thoughtfully.  You see, it’s not what we’ve done—it’s what we’re going to do.  Praise Elvis.  It’s not what’s in the past that makes us worthy.  It’s what we do today.’

‘Today,’ repeated Skypilot.

To be living for you is all I want to do,  said the congregation.

‘Today!’ said Skypilot more loudly.

I’m so full of love I could burst apart and start to cry.

‘Today!’

With you here with me, I can tell the world what is means to Love.

‘Today,’ Skypilot said more softly. 

And softer still the congregation answered,  Everything you want, I swear, it all will come true.

‘Praise Elvis!’ said Skypilot.  ‘Praise His holy name.’

When Skypilot began speaking again it was with an excited tone, his hands moving in primitive gesticulation.  ‘Yes friends, He walks among us—and He is climbing the charts in our hearts.  He has been born into the world!  The King has returned!  This is an exciting time to be alive, friends, make no mistake.  He is the lead and the base!  She is the melody and the rhythm!  He is the winds and the strings!  She is the high note that came before and the low note that follows.  The Holy Sender, through the living embodiment of Elvis, has returned to guide us, to nurture us, to show us the way to live in harmony with Her perfect Song!  He’s here to share His teachings, set down in Lyrics, as only Elvis reborn can do.’  He beat his chest with his fist.  I could not do it!  The Bellwethers of the church could not do it!  The best among us should not presume to be worthy!  We wouldn’t even know where to begin.’  Skypilot smiles out over his flock with a tenderness that nearly disarmed Ransom.  ‘But that’s alright!’ he proclaimed.  Elvis knows!  We don’t have to know!  What release!  What Joy!  We have simply to follow His sweet Song. 

‘The Holy One is with us.  Only He, with the awesome power of The Holy Sender acting through Him, could ever open our hearts to the true wisdom of Lyrics.  Can I get an a-huh-huh?’

The crowd roared joyously.

‘The King is here, that’s true enough!—but the spirit of The Holy Sender is everywhere.  She permeates our daily lives and comforts us.  There are no worries when She is your peace.  There are no difficulties, no worldly dangers, or uncertainty, when you have The Sender’s loving arms around you.  She remains eternally at the center, and yet, spirals out in every direction.  She is the Chorus and the Melody on this plain and the next.  Can I have an a-huh-huh?’

A din arises dwarfing the one beforeA chill ran up Ransom’s spineThe rafters shook as the congregation continued to jump and stomp their feet, singing and shouting at the top of their lungs.  It was as if they thought they could shake the whole world with the power of voice.  

‘We’ve come a long way!’ continued Skypilot, raising his voice above the cheers.  The noise died down.  ‘But we have more work to do!  We have outreach work in nearly every state in the union and thirty-seven countries.  Our Japanese partners are very excited.  And leaving that unfortunate incident in Montana aside—very unreceptive people up therebut that aside, all has gone quiet well.  Our work is going well because we have true believers singing the sweet Song of Elvis!’  

‘Now friends, listen to me,’ he said, clasping his hands.  ‘Just because your not one of our young carolers, trudging through the muggy, tick-infested rainforests of Koo-koo-ka-choo, struggling to bring the holy Lyrics of The King to those heathen, Christian, aborigines—that don’t mean you’re not important, or needed.  No it doesn’t.  Elvis, King, and Holy Sender has a plan for each and everyone of you here tonight.’  Skypilot pounded a finger into his hand, saying: ‘And that’s the truth!’  To Ransom, Skypilot sounded like a fibbing child, who, by placing emphasis on the one part of the story that seems plausible, hopes to make the whole lie more convincing.  

‘We were all put here for a reason—sent for Her divine purpose,’  he continued. ‘A purpose!  And only when that purpose is fulfilled, only when our mission is complete, only then, on that happy day, may we return to Sender and take our place at Her side!’  Skypilot paced back and forth in front of the altar.  ‘The work of the carolers isn’t for everyone,’ he said pausing in front of a woman.  He looked at her knowingly.  ‘Many of you have expressed an interest in getting out into the field.  You want to try a little hands on work.’  He smiled appreciatively. ‘I understand.’ 

He walked back and forth, waving his hands above his head.  ‘Can’t blame you!  Wouldn’t it be great to be out there singing the Song!  Thank you very much!  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to get down with the Spirit!  Thank you very much!  Wouldn’t it be thrilling to be there, where the Song’s being sung—to be there when the sweet Song of Elvis is heard for the first time—to see the looks on the faces of the wretched and despairing when that glorious melody first enters the heart.  Thank you, sweet Elvis.’ 

He clasped his hands again with a joyous expression on his face.  ‘Kinda makes you feel tingly all over just thinking about it.  Praise Elvis!  We’re all excited about doing what we can to spread the glorious Song that Elvis lives.  Thank you very much!  We each want to help in our own way.  Thank you, thank you, sweet Elvis.  Praise Him!  Praise His holy name!  We want to save some hearts,’ he said, raising his voice higher.  Praise Elvis!  Help us, Elvis, to fulfill our destiny in the Song.  We want to feel Your power—Your everlasting Melody around us.  We want Your Song to shake us up on the inside, and shake us loose on the outside!  Yes, yes, all glory to Elvis!  I got the feeling now!  Thank you, Elvis.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet Elvis—for putting the Song that moves us in our hearts.  Praise His Holy Name.

‘But friends—listen to me now.  As I’ve said before, the work of the carolers is not for everyone.  It’s hard work.  Hard and dangerous.  Those savages don’t always realize we’re there to help them—and that’s the truth!  Just last month, in a remote jungle village, three of our young people were baptized at spear point by traditionalists of the Watusi tribe.  How many of us her tonight could have endured such hardship?  Hmmm? 

‘No, we can’t all be carolers, but we can all help in our own way.  We can all do our part to spread The Song.  You know how this pains me  I don’t care too much for money—Lyrics one, chorus one, verse two—money can’t buy me love.  One day we will be free of the curse, but right now we have to except that we live in a world where no one will do anything unless they can turn a profit doing it—and right now our young people in the field need us.  They need us here working jobs, providing the financial support they so desperately need.  The Christians have spread the word, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—it’s time to sing The Song!  And what a sweet Song it is.  Isn’t it!  Isn’t it wonderful?  Praise Elvis!  Sing for Him and Him only!  Praise His holy name! 

A somber expression came suddenly over Skypilot’s face.  ‘Right now, me and Elvis, the King and I, want you to dig deep into your pockets and give.  A-huh-huh.’  Skypilot looked out over the congregation while the bellwethers passed the collection plates.  He looked at a man who had not put any money in the plate.  ‘Brother Albert,’ he said. ‘You’ve lost your job, you’re behind on your car insurance, your rent is due!  You don’t think you can afford to give, but I’m here to tell you—you can’t afford not to.  For though your wallet is empty, the bounty of Elvis’ runneth over—and He will be with you.’

Brother Albert dug around in his pockets for some cash.

‘Brother Tom!, you have a teenage son with a sexually transmitted disease.’ The young man next to brother Tom sunk into his seat.  ‘Doctor bills are piling up!  The medication is expensive!  You think you can’t afford to give, but I’m here to tell you—you can’t afford not to.  ‘Cause if you do, Elvis will protect your son—from the waist down.’  Skypilot froze in an Elvis-like karate stance as Brother Tom emptied his wallet into the offering plate.

Skypilot scanned the room.  ‘Sister Meredith, you have three kids, a baby in your lap, and one on the way!  You don’t know how you’re going to feed them!  You think you can’t afford to give, but I’m here to tell you—you can’t afford not to.  ‘Cause if you do, your baby will suckle—at the nipple of Elvis.  I have foreseen it.’  Skypilot wiggled his fingers in front of his eyes as Sister Meredith swooned and rummaged through her purse for money.

When the offering plates were on the alter, Skypilot motioned for the music to start again.  Everyone began to dance and sing.  Ransom looked on with a disgust tainted with fascination and thought again about trying to make his way to one of the doors behind the alter.  He now knew there were many new comers present and thought it might be possible to dance his way to one of the doors without anyone becoming suspicious.  But he thought of stepping out from behind the blue curtain and revealing himself was nerve racking.  He had not forgot everything he had heard about the cult on the evening news over the years, or about the bodies of the Elvis impersonators piling up in the Vegas morgue.  There was no question he had to do something, but he could not make himself go down the stairs. 

In the end, he knew what he had to do.  It was what he should have done in the first place, but the thought of leaving Lily behind while he went for help tormented him.  He could not bear to think of her somewhere, perhaps a dark room, scared, wondering why he had not come for her.  He was certain she was here, but there was nothing he could do alone.  He had to get to the police and bring them back. 

He had just made up his mind to go, when a joyous crowd of worshipers, arriving late, came dancing their way down the hall behind him.  The music from the worship chamber was so loud that the revelers were nearly on top of him before he noticed they were there.  A woman took Ransom’s hands and began to sway her hips against his as the others danced around, forming a circle into which he was drawn.  A man took the painting from his hands and thanked him for the offering.  The girl’s hands glided through his hair and down his back.  As they moved together, Ransom’s arms went up in the air and his fingers snapped instinctively.  He had to act the part

He was swept along as the dancers pulled him with them down the stairs into the main chamber.  Ransom played along, not quite losing himself in the now frenzied rhythm­, dancing and gyrating with innocuous delight, daring at the height of his abandon only to dance on a pew for a moment or two with a persistent woman.  He had only just jumped down when an elderly lady dancing close by sashayed over and took his hands in hers.  She held them up above their heads as she spun around beneath.  Ransom danced with her a moment, then pulled away politely, only to be embraced by a woman who had danced up behind him.  He worked his way through the crowd in this manner, dancing here and there with anyone who smiled at him.  When he had built up the nerve, he danced his way close to the door to the left of the altar.  He watched the faces of everyone dancing near him.  When he was sure no one was paying attention, he opened the door and slipped through, closing it quickly behind him.

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Joshua Jacobs wrote 302 days ago

My first observation was how impressive your writing is. You definitely have a gift for putting together sentences. Your word choice is top notch, painting a picture with each sentence. In terms of writing, I'd change very little about this. In fact, this was what initially hooked me.

The is a fascinating, satirical look at religion. I love the idea of "Elvists" and laughed out loud when they shouted, "A-huh-huh." Hilarious. The parallels between it and modern religion, particularly the concept of "giving" were powerful, yet humorous at the same time.

I like the premise you've established. The fact he's there looking for his fiancée drops us right into the middle of conflict. You successfully establish the theme, the world, your main character, and the conflict by the end of the chapter, making me curious as to what happens next.

Suggestions: There are a few instances of telling in this opening chapter that would be stronger if shown. For example, "The room was not only large..." and "This was a windfall of..." You tend to focus heavily on description. You write your descriptions beautifully, but I wonder if it's all necessary (i.e. four paragraphs about the room at the beginning). The opening feels a little overwritten at times. The narrative itself is tight, but there's more here than I feel is necessary. I think you could accomplish more with less in this instance, maybe cutting this opening chapter by 25%. I know it's a satire, but I wonder if it's consistent having the Elvists hate Christians since Elvis himself sang a lot of gospel music. Can we get into Ransom's head a bit more in the opening chapter? I think it would be effective to build his character a bit more as he observes what is happening. I know a lot about the Elvists, but not so much about Ransom.

Typos: "Just because your not..." should be "you're not." Instead of "Brother Tom!, you have..." I'd make it, "Brother Tom! You have..." Should be "altar" not "alter." Alter means to change something. Other than that, this was well-edited.

This is a very strong opening to a fascinating novel that contains a convicting look at religion and an interesting premise. Good job!

Mavrick wrote 310 days ago

It’s taken me almost a year to get around to reading this, for which I apologise. Having done so, I’m afraid this is not one for me.
I can’t fault your imagination, but I have to confess I grew tired of the sermon in chapter one, once it eventually started, and gave up a little over half way through. And that’s part if the problem.
There’s an awful lot of descriptive text in this first chapter, before we get to The Sermon of the title. I appreciate that some sense of ‘where we are’ is useful, but does the amount of detail really add to the story? If it doesn’t, leave it out.
I also believe you need to be careful with the detail or you can lose direction. For example,
[ The plates were etched. . . and were highly polished so that the light from the torches shone on them]
This doesn’t really ring true. It wouldn’t matter whether the plates were highly polished or not, the torches would still shine on them. Perhaps,
[ The plates were etched. . . and were highly polished so that the light from the torches reflected brightly]
or something similar?
Further down,
[The room grew pregnant with silence as everyone seated themselves]
When did the dancing cease? But, hang on, they’ve all seated themselves and yet, in the next paragraph,
[He watched intently as the women danced provocatively around the altar . . .]
Ransome was unable to distinguish Lily (who, one assumes, he knows very well) from all the other women, and yet he can notice ‘a kind of innocence in their eyes’?
There are some possible typos in Chapter One.
Para 4.
[ . . . outlandish gothic lines an contours . . . ]
which should, I think, read [ and contours ] ?
Later on,
[“Turn now in lyrics to the firs book .“ ]
Should this be [first book]?
And chapter two is overlong, too.
I enjoyed the third chapter more, and for the first time was tempted to read on, but you are writing from a mixed point of view. The paragraph starting,
['You're here to find your proper place in the world . . .]
where we hear what Skypilot is thinking. Up to this point, it’s all been from Ransom’s POV..
As I said earlier, this chapter is better and I really was tempted to read on.
Things are actually happening, it's not all descriptive narrative, but it's such a pity it's all so late.
Others may not agree, and I have to admit I'm not a fan of overwritten descriptive text no matter how well it is done, and I believe The Age of Rhinestone could be much better if you could trim it down considerably.
Nevertheless I wish you well with this.

PCreturned wrote 380 days ago

Ironic, funny and fun. Highly polished and professional. I remember reading this in the past, and can see why I backed it. Now we have this newfangled star rating system, I'm giving you 6 stars too. :)

Best of luck getting published. I'd love to see this on the shelves and selling. :)

Pete

kenny hill wrote 410 days ago

Hi,
Thankyou for your comment re Into the Dark.
I've read the first chapter, and would wish to indulge in a few comments, if I may.
The writing is fairly fluid, if perhaps a tad clunky. The first section is relentless in its detail of the chamber, and possibly could be condensed to a well described paragraph. Certain sentences are a little off beat, requiring a modicum of editing eg ' the whole of which was covered.....into which the children'. This could be better constructed, I think. Superfluous use of adjectives - ' uninhibited ', ' enormous' ' outlandish' - there is a question here of perspective -who regards this as outlandish ?
Certain phrases juddered - ' a sharp,pleasant voice'. Can a voice be sharp and pleasant. ?' The room grew pregnant with silence'. My advice would be to remove that completely
Try to avoid the dreaded ' seem to ' - ' seem to glow'. This confuses a reader, because again the perspective shifts, from the perceptions of the protagonist, to an unidentifiable source.
Some of the dialogue is clever, and deft - Sky pilot is portrayed as a menacingly mercurial character, though occasionally his sermon flirts into the territory of diatribe, almost documentorial, rendering it a little ponderous perhaps.
On the whole, a witty, clever piece. A little shaving round the edges required, a bit of toning and removal of excess flab. But a good piece, which was enjoyable to read.

Kind regards,

Kenny Hill

maddog 1 wrote 416 days ago

A work of monumental self indulgence. Tried to read it, but gave up. Sorry.

coCinstrumental wrote 417 days ago

I'm glad Lily showed up. It was brave and honorable of him to look for her.

coCinstrumental wrote 417 days ago

I have read the first chapter so far and was laughing. You did a great satire of holy rollers, altar calls and the whole "Elvis is alive" movement. I knew those poe4ple claiming Elvis is alive were in a cult somewhere! LOL I like it so far.

Roger Keen wrote 431 days ago

Only read a couple of chapters so far and writing is fine, taking you into a believable fantasy world with a nice undercurrent of irony. Glad you liked my book, happy to back this.

grouserock wrote 434 days ago

I've only read a few chapters of your book but I've got it on my watchlist now and I hope to get time to finish it later. I don't quite know what to make of your story so far. I'm impressed and staggered by your unique vision, and the concepts and I'm swept up in the wording at times, totally 'there' in your action scenes. Then in places I'm bogged down with a lengthy narration or description when I want to get on with the story - rather like your dark open-mouthed figures on the beams with their faces frozen - not sure if they're "singing at the top of their lungs or frozen in a state of perpetual surprise." (I love that description) As an ex teacher the flow is spoiled for me a bit when there are a lot of typos and the like, for instance, in Chapter 12 "some new some symbol grew", "running could only described the psychology of what Ray was doing", "this is all you're (should be your) fault" "He lie on the dry earth and waited" etc. All inconsequential in a rough draft and such little things but it does spoil the read for me a bit by making me stutter through too many read-again sentences.
I think your beginning descriptions are excellent. Skypilot's 'sermonizing' rings hilariously true and you've captured something original and creative here. I did feel as if I wanted to know a bit more about Lily sooner, or Ransom's feelings about her. I wouldn't want you to leave out any of your exceptional descriptions or the 'message' Skypilot gave, but perhaps you could arrange some of it differently so that we know more about your main characters and their plight first and care about them, and are not just moving into the story because we are intrigued.. But hey - that's only one little rather unqualifiedt opinion and perhaps I should read on before spouting any more.

Claire_E wrote 434 days ago

Very dry wit. I like the tongue in cheek religious parodies.

Jrestabrook wrote 435 days ago

I don't know if I should say anything, can you delete unwanted comments. The imagery of Ransom rescuing his stolen love and her seeing him rescue her after removing the blind fold and gag, is a good male emotional feeling. In the next chapter we find out that she has been there for two years. You, at that moment turned your main character into a woman. An over emotional hysterical drama queen with a hero complex and the brains of a balloon, which she, I mean he, has been imagining for two fraking years! The thought that she might still be alive, a bound, blind folded, gagged prisoner is ridiculous. Sorry if that sounds harsh or if I am wrong; only read the two chapters.

k.l.williams wrote 435 days ago

i like the pace of the book, it gives it a slightly tense feel! Good work!

Jrestabrook wrote 437 days ago

Lots of typos. Great writing. To me, it's very slow. Maybe that is suspense, but I had to scan through a lot of it.

M. A. McRae. wrote 438 days ago

A marvellously original plot with an edge of irony. Very well written, professional and polished.
Well done, Marj.

Cristian B. Hotnoga wrote 442 days ago

Outstanding! I will definitely return to "savor" the rest.

Lucia13 wrote 444 days ago

Enough background is provided to make this a plausible story. Will there be an Elvis cult after a financial meltdown? Quite possibly! I read a book once to study it's writing style- Impersonating Elvis by Leslie Rubinkowski. I thought I'd mention it, as you might find the book's content interesting. I felt that some of your writing could be tightened up to increase the pace. In this genre, I think it is something most of us struggle with. I feel that your content and story arch are well developed. I liked the characterizations, and this helped me fall into the story. Good luck with this! I'll be back to read more!

Lucia
Vein Fire

J Jackson wrote 452 days ago

Sensual descriptions, wonderful deadpan edge to the narration, and of course...Elvis! This is a book that makes you think one moment and laugh out loud the next, such as when Ransom keeps saying, "Christ!" to annoy Skypilot. "Sweet Priscilla, mother of Lisa!"

The only thing that really comes to mind is something suggested by some other people here, that it might be good to add a few more details about Lily in the early chapters. The odd mannerism, habit...I don't know, just something a bit more, to make her as indelible in our minds as in Ransom's. Other than that I couldn't really think of anything, this is very well-written with an original voice and realistic, engaging characters. I'm on chapter 4 at present and gonna keep reading... Backed and starred highly.

Niomi Jackson
Kissing the Reindeer Skull

wouldbejane wrote 453 days ago

This is fascinating and chilling. Very well written. I agree with Neeky78m, the first chapter could do with some dialogue. That's a lot of narration without much interaction for Ransom (fantastic name btw). I also think you could benefit by adding some sort of flashback in this chapter that allows us to get to know Lily a bit. It would help us understand why Ransom is going to such great lengths to find her. And maybe get the reader more invested in finding her as well.

Meredith

Bea Ware wrote 461 days ago

Dear Blueboy,
You are a special human being as is evident in your writing. Your first paragraph is one of the most wonderful openings I've read in a long time. Your book and charm came highly recommended to me via my brother, John Campbell. So, I stopped by and quickly became filled with awe. This is not John's genre, though he's a wonderful writer and I'm proud of his accomplishments with Paradise Garden. But this--The Age of Rhinestone--I like this very much. WLd and highly starred as it deserves.
Sincerely yours,
Bea

Nigel Fields wrote 463 days ago

Blueboy,
Though not my genre, I can see, even feel, the brilliance behind The Age of Rhinestone, and can sincerely offer this 6 stars. Now, your profile should earn 10 stars.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Neeky78 wrote 464 days ago

When I read that the story was about an Elvia cult I had to read it! Bahahaha! Brilliant. Almost as good as the (real) cult/religion for Prince Philip in Vanuatu.
:-)
I think the first chapter would benefit from some dialogue, perhaps by way of a flashback to (as cottonorclouds suggests) when he loses Lily or even better, when they were together and the reason he wants to find her.

I look forward to reading a bit more about Ransom later this week.

Good luck!

Neeky78 wrote 464 days ago

When I read that the story was about an Elvia cult I had to read it! Bahahaha! Brilliant. Almost as good as the (real) cult/religion for Prince Philip in Vanuatu.
:-)
I think the first chapter would benefit from some dialogue, perhaps by way of a flashback to (as cottonorclouds suggests) when he loses Lily or even better, when they were together and the reason he wants to find her.

I look forward to reading a bit more about Ransom later this week.

Good luck!

cottonorclouds wrote 464 days ago

I only read the first two chapters of your work, but I found it very interesting. I love that the cult is centered around Elvis and that Ransom finds the cult by paying attention to the billboard about practical jokes. Those are some great details. One thing that really struck me is that you present a lot of information through narrative summary. In particular, I would have been interested to see the full scene of when Ransom finds out that Lily is gone. I think that would really strengthen the reader's understanding of Ransom and give the reader more understanding for his character. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your work.

Bandof1 wrote 467 days ago

At times it feels as though Ransom is being pulled by some invisible string. Your entire premise so unusual but it strangely makes sense. I have rated and placed your book on my shelf. I hope to get some feed back from you on "Just Out of Sight".
thanks for the read,
Craig (Bandof1)

Heather Louise Banks wrote 469 days ago

Your writing is powerful giving the promise of rich themes, intrigue and adventure. It draws the reader in, made me feel for Ransom, especially his disappointment when the woman wasn't recognized. Also sparks curiousity, who is she? Wonderful work. HL

EastTexasAuthor wrote 470 days ago

William,

I received your message a few days ago and decided to drop by. I should tell you up front I'm limiting myself to reviewing first chapters only so I can expose myself to as many members' work as possible. I'll keep reading those pieces that I found especially captivating at a later date.

This chapter has numerous examples of sensuous, evocative language. I had no trouble whatsoever visualizing what was happening. And you admirably begin the narrative right in the middle of the action. I felt sufficiently enticed to read on to the chapter's end.

I did, however, feel the lead character of Ransom was a bit lacking, especially when viewed in contrast with the richly described setting and action of the story. True, we are privy to his feelings and thoughts occasionally, but I felt you could delve even further into his psyche. Yes, it's still quite early in the story and you may wish to dazzle the reader with your terrific opening conflict, but just a few more early hints into the protagonist's mindset will help the reader feel a connection to the narrative that runs deeper than simple awe.

Hope this was helpful. I look forward to reading more and to hearing your commentary on my work.

Best,

Thomas

Karen Carr wrote 471 days ago

The Age of Rhinestone—great title, I'm like 'what is that?” and then I find out by reading your prologue it's caused by stock market crash, coming up in the year 2020. And then ELVIS enters the building? This is some great imagination you have. (One thing I should mention, is that I was a bit put-off by your telling us it is 'a good read with a strong narrative voice, ...” this sounds a bit uh, well – the reader should be able to judge this himself. And I know by reading lots of agent blogs, they don't like this kind of stuff either.

Anyway, I love the name Ransom, great choice. I love the opening sentence in your prelude, your writing is very poetic. My one thought is that it might be a tad long, one sentence paragraphs aren't my favs – consider breaking it up into several different ideas. (IE: fingers of light slipping into darkness. Sun falling from the edge of the earth. Dragged down to sea – three ideas) The beginning of the prelude was great, I love the story about the people waiting for the boat. But I felt it dragged on to long, and I stopped reading it to get to chapter one. I think it's because you have too much narration and back story. Lots of it could be weeded out.

Reading the next part (the obligatory quest) There's again too much information. Let me stress, I really like your story, and you are a good writer. You know how to write great sentences and portray ideas, I just feel like you tell them too fast. You need to slow down and give us more action and dialogue and less narration. I do like the inner monologue, but use it as a device to show us how Ransom feels, and not as a narration.

I hope I've helped you out a bit, that was my intention. Like I said, I do like this, I just see it needs an edit to comb out the unnecessary detail, and give us some more vivid descriptions like you did in the first sentence.

Best
Karen

Bandof1 wrote 473 days ago

I'm hooked. I've top rated and will put your book on my bookshelf to back it. Please look at "Just Out of Sight".
You have created an intriguing start to you book. I like that you go right into the story and we will get to know your characters later.
Good luck to you,
Craig (Bandof1)

A.Robertson wrote 475 days ago

ive read a couple of chapters and I must say its very, very intriguing. I'm very impressed. :)

Michelle4Laughs wrote 476 days ago

You've got six or seven paragraphs of back story in this first chapter basically telling the history of the country's fall into chaos. I''m not sure if the first chapter is the place to give us so much tell. It might work better in a later chapter so the space can be filled with character development.

I like how there is a bit of a hook at the end of the chapter leading us on to want to know more about the woman's identity.

The writing flows very well. I didn't notice any typos. This is my first feedback so I'm not sure what is required or usual on this site. Hope this helps.

Michelle

cdwright wrote 476 days ago

I've only read the first 2 chapters so far, but wanted to leave a quick comment of my initial impressions. I think you have a very easy flow to your prose, it never feels forced, and you've done some really nice world building in the first couple of chapters. I'm digging the church of Elvis plot so far. I'll definitely be reading more when I've got some time.

A.Robertson wrote 480 days ago

This is fantastic! My word, I'm sorry it took so long to get back to ya though! :) You have very intricate use of words and way of describing, very moving! Keep it up! :)

Higherpurpose wrote 480 days ago

Blue Boy,

Of all the writing I have seen on this website, I think your style is among the best! I say that as a very tough critic. You have a lot of talent and I can see your words are carefully weighed and chosen. In fact, I am reminded of a poem in how they flow. My only critism about this story is that I would have liked to be hooked sooner, but I suppose I am an impatient reader.

Thanks and God bless,

D.S. Gibson
"Ascendance"

Bandof1 wrote 482 days ago

You have me intrigued. I will read your book and get back in touch. If you get a chance to read "Just Out of Sight", I think you would find it interesting as well. Let me know your impressions.
To an amazing future,
Craig (Bandof1)

Harper6 wrote 482 days ago

I read the first two chapters of this and found it interesting: the idea of people gunning for Elvis impersonators is unique (and something everyone who has ever been to Vegas thinks about doing). Your writing style has a lyric quality about it that is almost poetry. It’s a “heavy” read, however; not the sort of book to read if there distractions nearby. I think the heavy tone happens because the world in this story has changed so much from the present day there’s a lot of back story which needs described. The question is: how much of this do you need to describe down front? How much could you save and reveal bit by bit? Chapter one, for example: your reader is told so much about the world, there’s little time to learn about Ransom. And that’s who your reader is most interested in.
Chapter two when the war against the Elvis Impersonators is revealed is really when the story begins. Notice how the pace picks up at that point, although I’m not sure you need to describe the tunnel leading to the sanctuary in such detail. Overall, I liked this a lot. Just wish you had gotten to the meat of the story sooner.

Jonny Sambuca wrote 485 days ago

I'm just another wantabe writer, but this reads fine to me. The writing flows well and reads as good as other stuff I've read that's been published. I can't read the whole thing as reading off a screen is not my preferred medium, but it's certainly something I think would hook me in were it inked onta paper. I don't know if I'm that fussed on the pitch though - a minor quibble. All the best with this.

Jonny Sambuca - No Exit ta Bleak City

JP Behrens wrote 487 days ago

I like this a great deal. The story is compelling, the beginning doesn't pull me in like I would like, but there is enough there for me to press on and stay interested. Also, your style and voice are wonderful and keeps me held into your story as it unfolds.

I would suggest getting rid of the subtitle of the book. It's a small thing, but I don't think it is necessary.

Muadib wrote 490 days ago

Ideas to make it better:
- I find this phrase confusing "He brought a picture of her to show him, to see if he would remember". Who is he showing the picture to? himself? [Edit: I figured out this meant show it to the captain. Maybe reword it so it's a little less confusing to a new reader]
- "Coming to the Republic to improved their life quality" - change 'Improved' from past tense to present tense
- You do a good job explaining WHAT happened but WHY would an archbishop of the Catholic church try and take over California? This feeling of "It doesn't seem right" keeps me from getting drawn in.

Overall it is a good writing style and I like the plot. I'll put it on my bookshelf.
Peace,
~Kris

Lauren Zimmerman wrote 495 days ago

I'm new here .. as of this morning .. and so am still finding my way around. I don't see a comment section for profiles, though I think it's a wonderful idea.

Your profile, your words, your "voice," are truly compelling. Makes me want to read more, most definitely. You cause a smile and a thought-provocation at the same time, in the same sentence. I love that style.

I also loved your poem of the day. It probably sounds not-so-nice to say that most poetry causes me to breeze on by with barely a glance .. though I love poetry and write it as well. To have a poem stop me and almost-literally demand that I "listen" is quite something.

Thank you for sharing and for dropping by~!~
Lauren (CALLED)

jlbwye wrote 497 days ago

You tell a very good story - and you write well.
I love your vivid turns of phrase: "the sound of wails... pushed hard against Ransom's mind."
I also enjoyed the intimate insight into Rowan's mind when he interacts (or not) with Lily.

It is just my kind of book, and I'm putting it on my bookshelf, to read to the end.

I hope you will take the following in the spirit with which it is offered...

Your paragraphs, though beautifully descriptive, are long. I've often been encourage to "show, not tell". I wonder, if you occasionally adopted this technique, whether readers would feel less as if they were plodding onwards.

For example, your story of Ransom and the vagrants, or his venture into the depths of the barn, might engage readers' attention better if things happened in front of their eyes, instead of suffering continuous authorial narrative.

Some little things...
Put all speech on a new line. It breaks up the page, making for easier reading
Be sure not to stray unnecessarily from the POV: "The old fella could tell Ransom was heartsick".
Do you mean absence not "absents", altar not "alter", and haunches not "hunches"?

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Pia wrote 504 days ago

blue boy -

The Age of Rhinestone - I liked the beauty of the writing and the subtle humour and depth of this story before. It seems more work has been done to made the scenes chime even more. Caught up with well deserved rating.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

jonsdawn wrote 510 days ago

I liked the first chapter, nice hook in... Added to my watch list as bookshelf fullat mo, but have 6 star rated.. nice one I like and will return to read more

MelissaD.Peagler wrote 512 days ago

Blueboy,
Very Poetic writing. Your words paint a picture of the scene. I got a little lost in the descriptions of all the wars, but the background setting was made very clear with the line about dieting. I would like to see something about the picture a little earlier in the chapter. - I'll keep reading!! It is interesting so far!

emreim wrote 514 days ago

Blueboy,

An evocative opening and a pleasing style. The Age of Rhinestone opens (in the second paragraph--I skipped the first para as static description) as the kind of story I like to read: Its narrative drive and thoughtful tone are established with that first sentence: "Ransom had been watching.."

The drive falters at "When it started..." but resumes at "When it was closer...". I was recently blown away by Gary Shteyngart's True But Sad Love Story, at the way he slips all the cultural dislocation and stage-setting information into his narrative so artfully and painlessly .

Perhaps I'll read more later, but right now I'm looking for more writing like yours. I'm going to rummage through your bookshelf.

ereim

mscynthia wrote 520 days ago

Hi Blue Boy,

This is certainly gripping. You've added a little suspense in the beginning because we don't know if the captain will recognize the woman in the picture. Ransom spent many days and nights on the beach and had such high hopes that the woman in the photograph would be recognized.

I also loved the detailed accounting of 2020 and what might become of the world by them. Is your message by any chance to 'head East' for greener pastures and a brighter future? Much of the west coast had already been separated and reprocessed with so many different groups vying for power.

You ended chapter 1 by saying "...(the wind) leaving a chill in its wake before speeding away east." Therefore I wondered if your message might be that the resources of the west and California in particular have been overused and exhausted by 2020.

This is very well-written. I backed it sometime ago, and it's back on my shelf now.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

John Adamson wrote 524 days ago

You write very well, but your story, it's only the run of the mill. There has been far, far better books gone before you onto the E'ds desk and I'm sorry to say none have been published. H.C do advertise for self publish, with this book it will be your only way. I'm not one for giving out flatery, but happy if I'm wrong.

Old Bob wrote 525 days ago

Okay this is just a comment, I give running comments as I go along and I'm still in Chapter 2. You have a lot to say and you say it. You write like Thomas Wolfe. You describe every thought to the last detail, sometimes not leaving anything to the imagination. Is that good? I dunno. Depends on the reader, I guess. What is good, though, is that you write well. That makes a big difference, especially when you're reading a long chapter. Your interest builds slowly, but there's enough there now for me to want to go further. Will comment again soon.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Old Bob wrote 527 days ago

Blue Boy, what a great premise! I can't imagine that you haven't been able to interest an agency in your work. Your writing is what we all strive for. Your voice is smooth and confident. Your descriptive phrases ,edit-perfect. You build great suspense and set the hook perfectly at the end of the chapter. This is one book I will back as soon as I have room on my shelf. I'll even read the whole thing, I think it's that good.

I'm almost embarrassed to ask, when you have a moment, to take a look at my book, A PLACE IN LIFE. I'd appreciate your impression of my first novel and, I assure you, I can handle any criticism you may offer.

Good luck with your book. Best I've read on this site so far.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

B A Morton wrote 528 days ago

Blue, far too clever I think for the likes of me, but that said, you skim it along at one hell of a pace, and I was curiously drawn to the whole strange idea. Brilliant descriptions of characters and locations which helps with orientation in the first two chapters where there is minimal dialogue. I do hope that you do well this. On my W/L
Babs

Fontaine wrote 529 days ago

I will say right out that this is an unusual book. The pace is terrific. It just relentlessly carried me along. I don't know whether I like that but it is a mighty intriguing and intelligent read. The description is very good. The first chapter is excellent. But it becomes exhausting to keep going. You describe everything and there is little dialogue. I honestly think you need to edit it somehow in order not to exhaust the reader. I cannot imagine how you have managed to write so much! I will put this on my WL and keep an eye on it. I have a sneaky feeling it is on its way up. Good luck. Fontaine.