Barely a Trace

Hi Vickie,

I’ve read the first three chapter of Barely a Trace and although it’s probably not the kind of book I would initially go for I found I really enjoyed it. I like the way you have written Gerry into the story early so it’s less about finding what has happened to him and more about how Mary Beth handles his disappearance. I think you have set the scenes really well and built Gerry up to be a useless husband.

Now I’m going to read some more chapters to find out what happens next.

All the best

Sue

The story and characters are entertaining. My only recommendation so far is that you need hooks at the end of the chapters to lead into the next. Something that makes the reader do a quick page turner. Also, I think it would have been better to build suspense that Gerry may be murdered instead of showing so soon that he just skipped town. Good interactive writing.

Hi Vickie,

I've read the first three chapters and enjoyed getting to know your two main characters.

A few suggestions, meant to be constructive.

Page1. 'beyond reasonable expectations' seems rather stiff. I would change to 'to the limit'.
'because they were tired/hungry/bored/poopy'. These forward slashes are, I think, frowned upon by editors. I would delete the sentence, end the para at 'crying'.
A strange man ... I think should be the start of a new paragraph.
Ch1. reads well. Mary Beth's problems well described. Good conflict between husband and wife which readers will relate to. However, I feel the chapter ends in the wrong place. I would end it where the cop says, 'We need to talk to you about your husband.' Right there - it's a cliffhanger. The reader thinks, 'Oh, yeah...what about?' and quickly turns the page to find out.
Ch2. The dialogue is a little too formal. All those Ma'ams give the impression of a very polite detective. They do a tough job, meet the dregs of society. Are they really so nice? And we get a lot of Detective Kelly. Why not just Kelly sometimes?
You tend to have dialogue and the characters thoughts and actions all in the same paragraph. I think agents and editors prefer that dialogue goes on a separate line. Again I feel that the chapter ending could be improved. I would put in a short extra para at the very end. Something like... She couldn't sleep. Over and over she kept asking herself, Where the hell is Gerry? It's the perfect lead in to ch3 where we discover what has happened to her husband.

Hopefully, something here has been of help. I don't think you need make major changes. I've taken a liking to MB and will be back to read more. High stars!

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

Well , even though I m a male I admire your passion in your hatred of this 'Gerry' , even though also he may be being demonised . It also contributes to a a sense of force in the first chapter , which is definitely a virtue . Fast moving and energetic , it represents a memorable start. Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century,with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

Barely a trace
Vickie
I have read to chapter 12.
This is a nice read, more love story and getting-over-the-jerk-that-is-my-husband than murder mystery, but shrouded in enough of the latter genre to make it more exciting than the run of the mill offering in the under-appreciated-wife genre. However, you sacrifice plot for character development in the early chapters, weakening your hook.

Hook and plot- what makes this successful for me is the fact that it comes across like a murder mystery until we realize that it's really not. I think this is great, and I think you should build on it. One way of doing this is by keeping us in the dark about the husband's indiscretions until later on. I think if we have time to get very upset about Marybeth as a victim before we realize that her husband is really a jerk who just left her up the creek, we will be more inclined to get involved in the story. As it is, I feel that we know that she's been given a favor by her husband's leaving. Once we realize what an absolute rat's bum he is, it is really charitable of him to leave. If you shift the presentation of the chapters, so that the chapters dealing with the bus, and then the fishing boat, come later on, then it would give you an opportunity to build the murder-mystery hook. This is just my opinion. As the hook in the first couple chapters works well enough to bring me in, it is not fatal to stay as you are, but I just think it would make it more engaging.
As far as plot is concerned, again, you seem to sacrifice it a bit for character development. This is a hard call, because you may want more of a character-driven book for this genre. Again, if that is the case, I would recommend you focus on Marybeth a bit more before moving to her husband.

Character development. I thought MB was very well developed, even though I feel that we could see more different parts of her life. It is cleaver to bring her into work and show her with the children, showing her to be a fantastic mother. The husband is even better developed in a sense, because he is so much of a simpler character I don't feel that I need to know to much more about him. He's a self involved character, he does not care about his wife or his children's well-being. Punto.
Some of the supporting characters are very well described and brought out. I particularly like what you did with his mother, who although being a bit of a caricature, comes across as very well. You're very clever to use small, concise, descriptions in order to give us a good feeling for the character. I also feel I have a very strong feeling of the detective. Even though I know very little but his background, the fact that you described him as so soft-spoken and unassuming makes him a very endearing character.

Other than this, I don't think I can offer much advice.
So what keeps this from being a great book?
I think that I am not particularly drawn to the genre, so it would be difficult to really grab me. However, it is well written and there are components that I find funny and entertaining. It is a good specimen of its genre.
Some comments as I read.
4
Good character development. However, your hook is limited, as there is no mystery, just misery.
5
Desc of Dianne detracts from story a bit.
I like your main character very much, developing well. However, you're sacrificing plot for character development. The fact that we know that her husband is such a jerk does not make us wish that he would be found. I recommend that you consider not showing just how much of an ass is, that he is out on the bus heading down south just so quickly. That way, we could perhaps worry a little more about the fate of her husband before we get happy that she's lost him. Otherwise, there is really very little pushing me forward. Unless of course you're planning to bring him back as a gangster. That might be exciting, the problem right now is that I am finding very little hook
6
Jerry Is a pathetic character, that you describe very well. It is fun to meet him, and it is very clear that you really don't like him. Again, I think you might be better served by bringing this on later, after we get to be worried about what has happened to her husband, then we can talk about the way he is getting on.
7
Good character development. At the same time I'm so longing for plot.
8
He's a jerk, I know.
9
Good set up for a love interest.
10 Good description of the bad guys.
12 Very cute family scene

Best of luck with this,
All the best,
Maeve

Dear Vickie, I read four chapters of this and enjoyed the fast pace and the voice of Mary-Beth. What I was really surprised about was Gerry's POV in chapter 3. I have to confess finding out what had happened to him so early on, ruined the tension somewhat. The pull of the opening two chapters was not knowing what had happened to him, even wondering of Mary-Beth had a hired a hitman. I really would suggest you drop Gerry's POV, certainly early on and keep the reader guessing. I would also look again at Mary-Beth's reaction, sure she doesn't love him, but it will still be shocking knowing his car had been found full of blood and he is the father of her children (so she would worry for their reaction). The writing is tight and the plot a good one. Five stars. Juliet

Hi Vicky,

WAT has been on my WL forever - why? OMG, I love a thriller/mystery like this. Lovely stuff. You set her domestic woes fabulously and it's a great hook.

I read CHs 1-2 and loved them. If you want, here are a few suggestions - but you take what you want and pretend the rest never existed...

SP: I'd get rid of the first line 'Be Careful of What You Wish For' as it's duplicating the second line.

LP: I'd drop the second paragraph - it adds nothing. If you've summed up the plot, leave it there. Oooh, you could add the 'Be careful what you wish for' line at the end of the LP.

CH1 - nice bit of divorce drudgery. Great that it skips into the policeman on her doorstep at the end of CH1. I did think you could squash the timeframe here. Instead of her getting the call, going to get the kids, you could start with 'Mrs Trace the late fee...' and she can have the previous thoughts on the way home. Currently, it feels a bit - rushed. As if a lot of time events are squashed into a couple of paragraphs. Anyway, just an idea. Otherwise, lovely, easy writing.

CH2 - Is he strange because she doesn't know him, or strange because he's odd - like a bit weird? If it's the latter, then okay. If it's the former, I'd drop this line. Just have him introduce himself. Why does Gerry have a bathroom - all to himself? This may be a US/UK thing. And CH and I'm thoroughly intrigued as to what's happened to that waste of space husband of hers.

Good stuff! Can't wait to read some more tomorrow.

Cx

Hi Vickie,

I only stumbled across this because you said something nice about my 1st chapter on my Hopeless Plugs thread, but I'm so glad I did!

I love a thriller that starts from a domestic setting, and this has reality and wit, and looks to be developing into a very involving story. You have a great main character in a relatable setting, and I'm looking forward to following where she leads. It reminds me quite a lot of the Harlan Coben books I've read -- the sort of thing that makes time disappear. And all this from someone who, interent rumours suggest, is barely of legal drinking age...

Backed, and looking forward to reading more.

Neal.

Hello Vickie-
I was checking back on how your book was doing and I realized I never left you a comment after I read your book. I know I wrote it out, but I don't see it here, I must not have hit the submit button. I don't think you need much critique on editing, it looks like "Wordworker" has covered that pretty well for you. I did see the duplicated sentence in Ch. 37 - "Why was this lady here when she could have turned a few bucks....."
Ch. 38 - "don't you want to know where (his) is?" - should be "he?
I really enjoyed the read and finished your book. I loved your timing going from story line to the next story line and back again. Your charcters were believable and it was easy to get caught up in their stories.
I hope your book makes it to the publisher. Six stars!
Lynn

Vickie,
So far this is a very engaging and fun murder mystery. I love your character descriptions and settings. I will write more as I read further, which I am looking forward to doing.
Best,
Maeve

I have been reading your book and I am on the 25th chapter. Great story. I love the way you move between the story scenes with perfect timing. Well, I have to get back to it as I can't wait to see what is happening. Will comment more after I finish it.
Blessings,
Lynn

This story reads like the writing of a seasoned professional: realistic, straightforward premise - I loved your opening paragraphs - well developed plot and characterisations, and not a single typo in the first two chapters I read.

This has been uploaded here for a while. Is there any reason why it is moving so slowly? It deserves to do very well. It is excellent.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

returning the favor of backing my book, i sit down to read a bit, even though this is definitely not my genre. the less blood the better, for me.
But your style and language - that I can review. Both give me a feeling of reading a professional writer - someone who feel in ful control of her book, while at the same time being so mature that she follows the story as it comes through her.
I got a feeling of YOU as writer very quick - and if i had not had this resistance to crime books i would have read more. Much more.
Rated
Leelah Saachi
"When fear comes back to love"

I have enjoyed every sentence of this book. Your use of humor to lighten the more dramatic moments is well-timed and effective. I am glad to recommend this book to anyone who likes a light read (chick crime?) and hope to see it in print soon!

Joyce Fox ~ Slave to Grace

Para: "They have. I think they grow everytime they sleep" you say, "She sat her down" .... set would be the proper word unless she is literally placing the child on the ground on her fanny.

Para starting: "While the cookies baked, she and Amy ..." your line is, "Scott fell asleep already watching a movie..." needs past perfect verb: "Scott had fallen asleep already..."
Para: "Most of the conversation centered around the kids" your line is, "Beth walked in the kitchen and saw him..." INTO the kitchen. And the next para begins, "Clarisse walked in the kitchen ..." (again with the in/into thing, but the repitition needs to be eliminated somehow. Perhaps: "Hearing the laughter, Clarisse joined the kitchen gang and ..."

Para starting "from the minute he walked in the door" .... YAY! He didn't walk inTO the door ... (you thought I was gonna say inTO, didn't ya?) 8-D

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 54: "Brandon ran in the room" ... can you guess? He ran inTO the room. Whenenver someone enters something they are going inTO it. I've noticed that a lot of folks have dropped the word INTO lately and are using IN as a replacement but there really is a difference. In fact, it can be a lot of difference ... such as: you can pour water INTO a glass (from a pitcher?) or you can pour water IN the glass (from the glass into something else.)
Para starting: "He went back to the stove ..." It's marinara sauce ... not marina sauce. Don't think I'd like sauce from a marina. heheh
Para starting: "Tom suspected this wasn't the first item ..." You've changed Mary Beth's last name to Chase.

Sorry for the pedantry but again, I LOOOOVE to pick those nits! 8-D

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 53 ... last line is a treasure!

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Para starting: "Tom was waiting for them when they walked in ..." Again, I'm thinking Tom looked inTO her eyes. Looking in your eyes is something your ophthalmologist does when he's checking for damage. Looking inTO your eyes is what your lover does. 8-D

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 41 "She was frantic when, demanding to know where he'd been and what he was doing" Couple of problems here. Maybe: "She was frantic AND demanding to know where HE'D been and WHAT HE'D been doing." Need to keep the verbs in agreement. If he HAD been somewhere, then he HAD been doing something. If he WAS somewhere, then he WAS doing something.

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Para. repetition paras two and three ch. 37

First para Ch. 37 "laptops where one of the most frequently ..." typo

Describing the neighborhood, "Many of the old Cubans families moved out ..." simple typo.

Little inconsistency here. You say Gerry was "treading water all day, trying to stay out of the sun" and then you're back to a night scene in the next para ... "could see nothing in the darkness" without any transitional phrase. Is Gerry now in his second night in the ocean?

Para. "Raul closed his eyes as the wind and spray..." You've got sentence fragments, again. "Remembering how the tourist ...." and "Visualizing his expression ..." You need a noun and a verb for a complete sentence. Starting with a verb ending in ING refers back to the previous sentence but isn't a full sentence in itself.
Try: "He remembered how the tourist ..." and "In his memory, his vision returned to the expression on the man's face ..." Or you could make it one long sentence: "He savored the experience: replaying it ..., watching the ... , remembering how... and visualizing his..."

1st Para. spelling error: "desparate" should be "desperate".

In the para. that starts, "They had a birthday to celebrate..." there is a great deal of narrative. It might be better when talking about her wondering where she would be on her birthday, if you could turn it into her own thought. Ie: "Clarisse's thirtieth birthday certainly qualified. [I wonder where I'll be next month when my birthday rolls around,] Mary Beth thought. [What if I'm in jail?].
Clarisse tucks Sara "in" her high chair and again, INTO would be the better word.

Another personal note: I take exception to the lawyer's comment that nearly everyone who draws a paycheck has an option for life insurance. That is far from true. Many blue-collar workers (especially what is called the "working poor" -- minimum wage workers in non-union, hourly, physically strenuous jobs such as restaurant workers and certified nursing aides -- have no chance at insurance. Again ... just a personal observation.

Personal note: I don't really think you can classify Cracker Barrel as a "fast food" place... You sit down, give your order to a waitress and are served. Fast food is all about ordering at a counter, waiting for your food and paying before you sit down. No waitresses.

Mary Beth's description is, again, sentence fragments. Try: "dishwater blonde hair, wavy with strands of gray, sorely NEEDED a trim; pale skin WAS MADE TO SEEM EVEN PALER BY THE DARK CIRCLES THAT UNDERLINED greyish green eyes." Feel free to use this example as is if you wish.

Again, just a little nit ... "she went in the kitchen"... should be "went inTO the kitchen", otherwise it sounds like she's pulling a Crappy, herself, in her own kitchen. (lol)

"if she thought of anything ..." should be in the past perfect "if she HAD thought ..."

I know it sounds as if I'm nit picking, but books with nits never get picked. (lol)

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

I like the way you alternate events in Mary Beth's and Gerry's "adventures". Never too much to retain in my memory and enough to keep me reading.

Mary Beth calls Gerry's mom and after she slams the phone down, she thinks, "When did that old bitty ..." the word should be "biddy" ... a biddy is an old brood hen that can no long lay eggs and has become mean ... and the phrase "old biddy" applies that meaning to an elderly, mean-tempered woman.

Love the way you've placed the scuzball squarely in the middle of a mode of self-righteousness! This guy has embezzled funds, abandoned a wife and children, faked his death creating more trouble for his long-suffering spouse and is now walking around Miami with an erection dreaming about thong-bikini-clad buttocks! Yet he thinks about "decent people" despising and fearing "homeless, hopeless" people firmly placing himself in the "decent people" category!

When Mary Beth is getting ready to leave work, you say she "dropped in" Diane's office. That would mean she was in Diane's office and dropped ... like, to the floor. The right word could be "into" ... she "dropped into" Diane's office.
Holidays are slowing down my reading but I most certainly am enjoying this book!

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

You describe the Detective in the fourth from last paragraph of chapter 4. A very clear description but it's a sentence fragment. You need a subject and a verb to complete it. You write: "Dark brown hair in need of a haircut, with just a hint of gray at the temples, pale blue eyes hidden by glasses, with navy slacks and an already wrinkled dress shirt and a striped tie." I suggest something like: "With dark brown hair in need of a haircut, and just a hint of gray at the temples, and pale blue eyes hidden behind glasses, Detective Kelly looked like a high school Guidance Counsellor. His clothing, navy slacks and an already wrinkled dress shirt with a striped tie, reinforced the academic look." You can use that if you like or whatever. I'm really liking this book!

Well, it's clear enough from these first two chapters that you have either "been there/done that" or you're close to someone who has! From shiny snail trails to guilty memories, you've captured the essence of many working mothers' lives.
Didn't notice is grammatical bugaboos buggin' you (but then, you've been climbing the ratings around here for a while!)
Really enjoying it so far!

Chapters 3 and 4:

Ironic that Gerry, whom I will now call Gerry the Jerk, is sitting in a bus full of the exact poopy smell he was trying to run away from.
"Good things happen to good people" Really, Gerry????
"....people who weren't fit to wash his feet." REALLY, Gerry???
"a bundle of legs, arms, bears, blankets. and pillows." (I just liked how you wrote this)
I would comment on your writing, but it's polished and professional, I feel like I'm reading a published novel!

You are a great story teller. Read through chapter 2 and will read on. LOVED the part where the kids got the detectives with their super soakers...laughed out loud! Gerry sounds like a piece of work, but I thnk she loves him. Your writing is seamless, my dear, and we both have doggies as avatars! Starred and watchlisted!

Vickie,

I think your pitch is terrific. Pulled me right in. And your title, Barely a Trace, is very clever.

Although I know from reading the pitch that Mary Beth is angry enough to wish her husband would disappear, my suggestion would be to tone down some of her negativity in the opening pages. And beyond her momentary annoyance, you present Gerry in such an unattractive light, I'm having difficulty understanding why Mary Beth was still with him. She's the one making the money after all. And it certainly doesn't sound like Gerry would challenge her for custody... although he might want alimony!

You write vividly and with assurance and forward momentum. You've set up an interesting story question, but the concern about what happened to this man will be more compelling, in my opinion, if readers can feel sympathy for the wife left behind.

Ann

Ok so you won me with the ‘incontinent dog’. It promised humour so I just had to take a look after that! And you didn’t disappoint I’m happy to say. Very wittily observed :-)
First sentence had me chuckling – I work at a primary school and I MAKE those calls – “er, excuse me but are you planning on picking up your children at all tonight???” The excuses I’ve heard.
Couple of little things – In chapter one it finishes with her in her work suit. Then early chapter two she finds a ‘glob of mushy cracker on her black sweatshirt’. I just wondered when she had found the time to change.
‘drew a bead’ is this supposed to be ‘beard’? I don’t really understand what that bit means
All the little things about Gerry that annoy her are entirely relatable from any wife’s perspective so any (female) will sympathise with that!
Enjoyed and starred :-)
Tammy Robinson

This is one long thrill ride. Even though crime is not my usual choice, I was hooked from the very first paragraph.
Emotionally this is a roller coaster, laughter, sadness, fear, anxiety, you've practically covered them all.
Mary Beth is a tough cookie, just like many a working mother, nowadays.
Women would identify immediately with her plight. Gerry is great as the uncaring husband.
The tone is a masterful creation. Mary Beth's voice is just so believeable, she could be my next door neighbour.
I'm going to six star this. I believe this has great potentional.
I know there's a few edits needed, we all need those, but with polish this could be a winner.
I just love Mary Beth!!
Well done and good luck.
PS. Havn't read it all yet, but will be back for more soon.

A real page turner, love it. Bea
PS backed and starred

I think your first chapter is great. Punchy pace and can really empathize with Mary Beth throughout as she tries to keep up with her life on one of those days. The last line is perfect for a reader so I just had to go on to the next chapter.
The second chapter slowed a bit with the history of their marriage and that could maybe be sped up a bit through talking to someone or the dog for that unbiased sympathetic ear.
I like your writing style enjoyed the chapters I've read. Good luck with this.
Imelda

Barely a Trace.

The writing is well done, with barely a flaw. I think I mentioned one. The rest is all suggestions, which I hope will give you a new lease of life to jump into more revision.

Chapter 1 is charming, with a witty main character. The reader will sympathize with Mary Beth.

Chapter 2 suddenly jumps into the detective's head. 'Detective Kelly noticed the color drain from Mary Beth's face. This head hopping stops the flow. It would be best to remain in Mary Beth's thoughts.

I love her irritation about the oatmeal bowl half full of water. Just the sort of thing a woman thinks.
Nit: "No nothing yet." comma after no.
The description of Gerry's bathroom made me sick. How come they had separate ones? Wouldn't the detective ask? Was he supposed to clean it himself?

Nit: Mary Beth felt tears... How about: Tears sprang to Mary Beth's ... (Felt is a filter, and not needed because everything is experienced through her senses.
The three paragraphs about Gerry's lack of achievement, is really an information dump. You could avoid this by having her discuss it with someone. The rule is: Only give information when it is needed, and more importantly, when the reader needs to know. She could drizzle a few facts the the detective, he could drag a bit more out of her, and the rest could be saved for later. Then the reader would be curious. The dump continues for nearly the complete chapter. Try to work out only what you need at that time. She could answer the questions that she'd been asked to note. What if she talked to the youngest about it. Rather than thinking, she'd be chatting, which would be more acceptable and could end up quite funny.
At the end of the chapter, when she marvels at how beautiful the children are, she comes down to earth.

Francene. Still Rock Water. (I finally got to your book.)

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: An engaging start. A dynamic, likable main character. Clever wit. Vivid imagery. Good tension. Excellent pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Driving like a bat out of Hell' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresher way.
2) Capitalize 'internet.'
3) 'Why doesn't he do us all a favor and have one himself!' Punctuate this question with a question mark.
4) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'The strange man at the door introduced himself.' This sentence is redundant to the dialogue that follows. Consider deleting this narrative.
2) " ... was found in a Kroger parking lot this afternoon at around three PM." 'Three PM' should be 'three p.m.' There is another case of this problem in this chapter (eight AM).
3) 'Mary Beth felt a coldness settle over her, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her coldness so vividly the reader will experience it along with Mary Beth. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into you story. There are more cases of 'felt.'
4) Hyphenate 'half filled.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Barely a Trace
Hi Vickie. This is so well done. Polished writing that flows smoothly but also sizzles with energy and humour. I laughed at Mary Beth wondering if Det Kelly had had a tetanus booster before searching Gerry’s bathroom. Mary Beth will have everyone rooting for her while Gerry exerts a horrible fascination. He’s so low! I’m upto where Gerry is heading for Cuba, with that cash burning a hole, and I can’t stop reading now. High stars and will back as soon as room allows.
Kat x Hens from Hell

This would be the perfect companion for a beach-day-read kind of thing. It holds attention and entertains. Very well done. Five chapters and no nits that I need mention. Highly starred.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)