Show Low - A Vince Roberts Novel

Hi G.,
I'm really enjoying your story so far.The opening 'conversation' (with your sister) is brilliant and sets the story going.
I liked the part with the rat. ( the smell of '...wet fur, and crap)
You repeat 'black, beady eyes'.
Great description of the storm and Vince's uncomfortable predicament.
In chapter two we find out about your sister and you playing together, lonely because your folks are in politics and haven't time for you. You make up your own realities and are very close.
Grandmother(')s (missing apostrophe)
Then, on that fateful June afternoon, you ditch your cc's and stick out your thumb.
We are left wanting to join you (despite knowledge of the rat!)
A really excellent piece of work. I shall read more. I hope my notes are helpful.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi G. Allen, I felt very acquainted with Vince and it's very interesting how he still uses his survival skills when he's back in the U.S. Good scene with the rat. His concentration was a fine method for introducing his childhood, the environs there, and his engagement. The style is agile and it kept me reading with the details. Sounds like a compelling plot! Easily shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Not just a classical addition to the genre of romance but one that is written to a much higher, much more literary fiction level, than I would normally expect. Excellent fare.

Cheers. BACKED

You have written a very interesting storyline and created a most memorable character in Vince. The Prologue set the tone for your story nicely and the dialogue is well written. The pace of your book flows well and your use of imagery is excellent. The dream sequence is well done and all of this coupled with your descriptive writing makes your romantic mystery a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

the dialogue is rich and full, taking us into the story with great force- good work, on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

This is a wonderful yarn. Read ch.1 and 2. Loved them both. You are a true story teller. V. slight glitch: 'fool's' last thought. Best wishes, Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Backed on strength of first two chapters, a delicate and lovely balance of lyrical description, dialogue, and pacing of the story. A pleasure to the senses.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

30 July 2010
One of the earlier reviewers of my work on the site said that agents/publishers would pan it because I had opened with dialogue. Didn't explain why or offer any substantiation. . However, based on the opening of this book alone I'm backing it. With the obvious and deliberate intent of stimulating the reader's inquisitiveness and motivation to read further the dialogue is touching, sensitive, provides the optimum patina of mystique and achieves this aim brilliantly. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Sorry - I read and backed this almost a week ago, but I forgot to leave any comment - and it does deserve one, however brief.
This is very good, very smooth and transparent prose - a pleasure to read. There are (as in every new book) lots of little niggly editorial errors, but nothing sufficient to get in the way of a good read.
The descriptions are exactly what is needed, always vivid and realistic, (or at any rate convincing - I have not personally been to these places), but they are never over the top. The author tells us what we want to know, no less and no more.
The characters come alive, especially (but not only) Vince. He has a complex 'interior', and is very self-aware. Someone worth talking to. It becomes apparent quite late (Chapter?) that this is partly in reaction against his father and grandfather ... he refers to them as being shallow and narrow-minded.
And the dialogue is excellent.
I backed this with confidence.
RT

Show me
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

gw 'show low#
i love the intro into this book ,
then well written and crafted prologue
i can feel the dampness as he sits out the storm in the culvert
like at times when ilt moves into the italics and the mindset
however would a war veteran really be all the scared of a rat?
one little you have 'does not entered twice in the intro
tom ' from hugs to kisses'

An interesting prologue. I'd have liked to know who was talking and where they were though.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

This has all the solid plot of the old rancher verus sheep farmer battles of the old west with Vince as the hired gun. The different style used here will allow this to work on a different level. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

This is a good story. I was confused in the beginning because I thought from your pitch this took place in 1870, so all the references to modern things seemed out of place. As soon as I got that straight, tho, I really enjoyed this. You've done a good job making Vince a special character; he's likable and sympathic yet tough inside. The kind of character a reader wants to follow to see how all of this plays out. It's a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Show Low

I very much like how you developed Vince; you could almost sense the need for reason. You have a gift for narrative which pushes the story along very, very nicely and to me the dialogue enhances it so well. Like how values and beliefs are laid bare to the reader. – Good luck

GA, I read the first two sections. They say either you have it or you don't. You definitely have writing talent, my friend. Good narrative and true-to-life dialogue.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Show Low
G. Allen Clark

Chapter 1:

“I’ve got to leave you know?” – I felt that this was more of a statement than a question, as if he or she was pointing out something that was an obvious necessity from past experience. The question mark demands the sentence takes a tone that does not suit the context.

“I know. Where will you now?” – You’ve left out the verb in this sentence, the most common choice of which is ‘go’.

This first chapter struck me as sublime writing. It has just the right mix of mystery added with a carefree desire to go with the flow of the story. It has an emotive connection between the two engaging characters, and all of this only through dialogue.

Ordinarily I would suggest adding description to a straightforward go-between encounter such as this, but this is a rare exception where I must specifically advise a writer not to. The scene is perfect. You have detailed everything you need to through speech, and anything added would be superfluous.

Chapter 2:

“He partially stood, hunched over at the end of the culvert”

I would say that if he’s hunched over it is implied that he is partially standing. I would leave out “partially stood,”.

“He looked towards the back of the culvert... that emanated from the culvert.”

As the whole scene revolves around the rat’s placement in the culvert, you need not mention it so many times in such a short paragraph. A suitable preposition could easily replace one of the “culvert”s.

“Lightening cracked twice in succession”
Unless Vince is struck by the sensation of losing weight, this should be ‘lightning’

“day, its’ dried” – There shouldn’t be an apostrophe.

This was an enlightening historical background to the protagonist, which should allow him great depth of character in later chapters. Let’s see...

Chapter 3:

“time to examine closer his clothing”
You need to put the object next to the verb in this sentence.

While having such a detailed background to your character certainly provides him with a sheer force of reason behind his current actions, don’t forget that that is what this book is about – his CURRENT actions. You may want to halt the delivery of information a tad. You can heighten the mystery of this lonesome hitchhiker by only revealing pieces of his past every few chapters. As he has gone to such lengths to separate himself from his past life, the recall of it should be done warily rather than freely.

Chapter 4:

“The underside of the overpass offered some relief from the sun.”
Taken in context this sentence is just stating the obvious concerning his reason for seeking out shade. The paragraph does perfectly well without it.

“were sitting idle some half finished”
Think carefully about the function of ‘some’ in this sentence. Does it have one? I would say you need to elaborate on what the other projects look like if the moiety is half finished.

“for some shade” he said”
“Vince Roberts” he answered.”
– You need a comma before the quotation mark.

“I see the smile... about my name? she asked.”
As this is a new paragraph of direct speech it must start with a quotation mark, and of course end the spoken text with one too.

“about, he said.”
“staring, he said, but frankly”
– you need quotation marks after the commas.

“was curtsying, Thank you” – Gaaah! Quotation marks!!!

“me lady,” He asked” – lower case ‘h’.

“dusty friend” she replied.”
“to love this” Grabbing”
– comma before quotation mark.

You either need to fix your punctuation or go completely e e cummings style, because right now it just looks like a score of sloppy errors.

Other than that, the progress is fine if not a little hasty. I’m strongly reminded of Nicholas Sparks, but your ominous chapter ending suggests something very different...

Chapter 5:

“’cides, she said smiling, ‘we be sophisticated.’” – Quotation marks please.
“in the bunkhouse.”” – As the next paragraph is still part of her speech, you don’t need to end this sentence with a quotation mark.

“best western drawl.”” – The quotation mark at the end of this sentence can be removed.
“God she was beautiful he thought.” – write his thoughts in italics so that the reader can separate them from your own. Try to treat them like spoken pieces of text, and follow all the rules relating to them.

At this point I’m going to have to stop noting the places you’ve left out quotation marks and commas in direct speech. FIX THEM. It is sloppy and makes your work indecipherable. If it is an intended ‘style’ them be fully aware that it is reducing the potency of your writing without adding any personality to your work.
I would so far term this work not as ‘romance’ but rather as ‘erotica’, or simply ‘written sexual frustration’. Consider that these are two strangers who have just met and there is no emotional value attached to their relationship.
It does not suit my idea of Vince’s character that he is treating Alex as a glorified piece of meat. This is a man who went to great lengths to destroy his identity so that he could wander America and live out childhood fantasies. He only ever had one girlfriend, who was described as shy and quiet. The devotion his actions require implies a degree of spiritual sophistication, whatever way you look at it. If all he can think of is getting laid, why would he leave the golden life his ancestry gave him for a life as a wanderer, incapable of attaching value to money and property?

Chapter 6:

“the dogs’ long” – The apostrophe is misplaced.

Vince settles into life on the farm well. The transition was achieved without any difficulty.

Chapter 7:

This chapter was much better than the two preceding it. The characters interacted with one another, shared their histories through dialogue and bonded over their similarities. *This* is a scene I’d expect from a romance novel.

Chapter 8:

A classic bonding moment. I enjoyed the cauldron description, especially that you carried through with it across the whole change of emotions Alex went through. I’d like to see more of this original experimentation with writing devices through the rest of your work.

Chapter 9:

“kicking dirt. She stopped” – These words are all part of the same action and need to be in the same sentence.
Your method of revealing Vince’s war-time history is done much better here than when you related his childhood. While before it was an unprovoked splurge of information, this feels more like a recollection brought about by circumstance.

There was a decent bit of conflict in this chapter and you’ve elaborated on where the story may go from here, which is a great way to keep the reader interested.

Chapter 10:

“The dust and dirt... dirty spider webs.”
This was a truly original and awe inspiring sentence. Your word use was perfect, and the simile at the end was intense and visual. If this is the kind of writing you are capable of, you are bound to go far in this career path.

“the waters edge until” – ‘waters’ needs an apostrophe.

Chapter 11:

“I told you about how I feel about cities” – The first ‘about’ is a bit redundant.
“to answer you next question” – ‘you’ should be ‘your’.
“was very erotic..” – You either need one less or one more period here.

Chapter 12:

There’s a sign of actual talking about their relationship in this chapter, which is a relief to see. There were numerable punctuation errors in the dialogue, possibly more so than in the other chapters.

Overall commentary:

While I thought that your first chapter was perfect, it spiralled downwards from there. Some of your imagery is incredibly vivid and sensational, but other parts – mainly the dialogue – need to be reworked. I would recommend treating your dialogues less as a back and forth of information and more like an emotional connection.
The many sex scenes surrounded by even more innuendo was NOT my idea of romance. I admit that I’m weird in that way. Consider that true romance is supposed to be a measure of emotional connection, not orgasm length. At the moment this is a Mills & Boons story, and while you may achieve a wide readership from this it is essentially vapid sexual slurring. True romance demands time, effort and careful attention to detail.
I would look forward to the mystery in this novel, if you posted it. Alex coming back to the farm with a hot temper and a hotter gun leaves room for much inquiry.

You didn't indicate if this was a chapter or a prologue. It's hanging more or less as we don't know who are speaking (I believe)

You write with touch of class or more than a touch and this is your strength in making this a huge winner.

Backed

Dear G. Allan, I love your dialogue. :) It is the fastest read, ever, making me want to know what is going to happen next? I like that it is based on fact & that it's romance which always draws me in. Since I already backed your book, maybe it will advance a bit by my putting on my watchlist. Good luck with it. Hope you'll back my 2 books. Thanks, Susie :)

Thanks for your story, G. Allen. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Please back my TWO books.Thanks, Susie :)

Excellent pace and style. Very well written and enjoyed. Backed with pleasure.
warm wishes
Hatts

I love this - reads like a movie - so polished and well written threaded with humor aand romance I think this is one I'd buy based on the pitch and it would not dissappoint after I read the first three chapters - I will come back to thius later but meanwhile BACKED 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thanks for contacting me. I have returned your read, which I found interesting. I am not sure about the opening dialogue as it doesn't connect with the man in the foxhole in the following chapter. He then thinks back to his childhood & it still hasn't connected. Maybe you could tie it in a bit sooner? Backed. Kop - The Lucky Bean Tree.

Chapter 11 was well executed. You had a couple phrases in particular I liked (she'd kill him, but he couldn't think of a nicer way to die; she was like fine brandy).

There are a couple of places where you have some punctuarion off . A line of dialougue that starts with Sorry (needs an end quote) and at the end of the chapter you have two periods at the end of the final sentence. But overall this chapter is fairly clean of typos. Good luck.

This is an exciting, fast moving story, and Vince is an unusual character who attracts us straightaway. His meeting with the truck driver, Alex, is fascinating, and promises a lot more excitement. You give us Vince's background easily through his thoughts, and by showing us some of the things which have happened to him. The scene where he is crouching in the hole, hiding from the weather, staring at the angry rat, is excellent, vividly brought to life with lots of detail. I was hooked by your opening, and am still eager to know what was going on in that conversation, so I'll need to read more. The hook at the end of Chapter Four is another sure draw. Your writing is clear and fluent. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I don't have a problem with all dialogue in the first chapter, it makes a change and is original.

I like the writing but the font is a little tough on the eyes on screen, try changing it to Times New Roman.

Great work, can't wait to read more.

Happily shelved

Melxx
Would love to hear your thoughts on Impeding Justice, currently no.48 in the charts, it's a crime/thriller with a gutsy female MC, Thanks MElxx

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I read the first four chapters and I liked chapter four the most. That's when it feels like the story really starts to get going and grab me.

I don't like that chapter 1 is all dialog. There should be some exposition or something else. Chapters 2 and 3 have good background and you tell it well. I would like for the plot to start moving through. When things get rolling in chapter 4, I enjoyed it. Try getting to that part faster.

I'll back this.

Brian
Mute

Back for a second read.

Chapter Two is an info dump. Three is much stronger. I would move from 1 to 3 and disperse the info in 2.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Well written, good dialogue; should do well!
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

A very striking cover, good title and intriguing pitches, that has to be a good start. Certainly gets you enough credit to deal with the polarising effect of that short passage of dialogue with which the book opens. Despite dire warnings against it from many sources, I see no problem at all with opening with dialogue. It's relevant and effective.
I love the premise contained in your pitches, the background established in the reader's mind - a former marine from a wealthy family setting out on his own, travelling the country. Great idea, rich in dramatic potential - Vince is no mere drifter, but a character the reader can relate to.
You have excellent judgement of pace, missing nothing essential but keeping the story flowing along and toy are clearly an accomplished writer. Romance needs strong, viable characters that readers can relate to and you've certainly done that here. A well constructed novel, I'm pleased to back this.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Nice novel. backed.
Its a perfect idea, the contrast of seeing hs society from the outside,
i get the feeling it still needs some revising to get it perfect,
a few typos still, in the pitch.. opts, and comes, both with an s.
A tip.. if you skip a line Authonomy skips 2 or 3.
All the best with your cool book!.................Mikell The Free

Have a home in Show Low... so the pitch alone caught me. SHELVED!! Will definitely be back for more soon. Pam

I loved the opening when Vince was talking to his grandfather {Correct me if i'm wrong} I have read only four chapters thus far and may be assuming incorrectly.

I enjoyed the opening sequence-- dialogue to open works well for me...hell anything that lures me beyond the first three paragraphs works. i am one of those terrible people that will read a few pages of a book and decide yes...or...no. I need to be hooked early with that recognition we have of uh-huh this style works for me...this writers voice wants me to read more.

You have all the atributes already mentioned...the pacing is great --yet not so fast that any relevance is lost..yet fast enough to propell the reader forward. I have already formed a warm liking for Vincent..which is totally necessary...I either have to love or hate the MC feelings of that gray area in between can be reserved for less important characters...yet I have the distinct feeling that if you do introduce anyone at all, they will be relevant.. and not be mentioned just to window dress
i have backed this book with great pleasure.
Suzannah Burke

G Allen....

I am confused......

I attended the WInchester Writers Conference....A Literary Agent gave a speech on 'How Not To Present A Manuscript' .......top of her list of .......Do Not Dos.......was to open with dialogue......She likened it to sitting in the theatre, the play begins but the curtain does not rise........Or watching television and the picture goes out, no matter how riverting the conversation, without visual, you lose interest.....She said she almost always immediately dismisses any manuscript starting with dialogue on the basis the reader has to craft and imagine the opening scene themselves.........And,,,,,,I paid £130 to hear that.......

But writing is your trade, and here it is, dialogue in the opening.......But its true that I dont know who is speaking to who, where I am or why I should care.......? mmmmmm Tell me I didnt waste £130...

Shelved. your writing is brilliant....

Don't be confused. The ahaaaaa moment comes later in the book, where the answer to the question of who he is talking to is shown. I have read - heard - opposite opinions about opening with dialog. Similar to the same opinion of using “first person” dialog for fiction. I say if you can pull it off – go for it. For me, in this particular instance, it helps draw the reader in to the book, by leaving the question of “who?” unanswered but promising that the answers inside.
Thank you for the comments and for the good question. I don’t think you wasted your £130. From what I have read of your book, The Duchess of Tooting, it was an investment well spent. I have it on my bookshelf – anxiously hoping I can get back to it in the next hour or so.

G, this is really an interesting read. Who doesn't like a story about a guy who wants no part of convention and just wants to knock around a little. A modern day Kerouac type. C1 is very intriguing and pulls the reader right in. I was just as happily engaged in C2. Like the part where Vince falls asleep with a rat in a culvert then dreams of his chilhood. Very imaginative way to dole out background information, clever. This is one of the not too many I would like to keep reading, and I probably will if time allows. Nice work. Backed.
Thomas J Winton
"Beyond Nostalgia"

A smooth read. Good dialogue.

My backing and brief comment are an opening gambit. I value honest opinions of my work and want you to feel safe in giving me one. If you want more, just ask.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

G Allen....

I am confused......

I attended the WInchester Writers Conference....A Literary Agent gave a speech on 'How Not To Present A Manuscript' .......top of her list of .......Do Not Dos.......was to open with dialogue......She likened it to sitting in the theatre, the play begins but the curtain does not rise........Or watching television and the picture goes out, no matter how riverting the conversation, without visual, you lose interest.....She said she almost always immediately dismisses any manuscript starting with dialogue on the basis the reader has to craft and imagine the opening scene themselves.........And,,,,,,I paid £130 to hear that.......

But writing is your trade, and here it is, dialogue in the opening.......But its true that I dont know who is speaking to who, where I am or why I should care.......? mmmmmm Tell me I didnt waste £130...

Shelved. your writing is brilliant....

G. Allen,

Show Low - A man in need of a cause hits a town that was won in a poker game. I warmed to the telling but felt Vince revealed his background to Alex rather soon, which flattened the tension. I liked the scene with the rattle snake. Your may want to work on showing through action during your next edit, and minimise the telling at the start.. The writing flows well. And the premise promises heat to come.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)