DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

I have not read many books in this tense before and it takes a bit of getting used to. Your opening grabs the attention, so that works. The college background is not what I'm used to either, though I suspect the High School Musical generation will be OK with it. You need a good edit, watch for typos and spelling mistakes, week for weak springs to mind. Good luck with this, Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood

I read the high tension prologue which gives an insight into the roles of doctors, nurses and technicians with regards to caring for patients. I moved on to chapter one and although I am yet to identify the connection it has with your prologue I enjoyed reading. I once had a girl like Alexandria and I once behaved like Kenneth. I thought at first though that it wasn't gentleman-like of Kenneth to abandon Alexandria but his action exposed Alexandria's insecure and angry sides that most of us share. However, I salute her for not doing anything stupid in spite of ill-thoughts that dominated her mind. She thought Kenneth was cheating on her. But is she right? I'll read chapter 2 onwards to see if her suspicion is right. I'll leave further comment when I do

In general I agree with the comments of others. I think you have a great idea for a story, and your long pitch tells us your intentions of bringing your main character to a place of life-changing decisions. This is a wonderful concept, which should provide the opportunity for readers to re-evaluate their own lives.
However, your actual writing skills need some development (just my opinion). What I have read so far seems as though a casual observer is standing on the sidelines, describing what is going on. That just doesn't grab my interest, I'm sorry. The dialogue is better, and where you record Alexandria's thoughts, it all sounds very believable. Overall I think this is a good story and would benefit from a solid rewrite with help from a more experienced writer.

Kerrie Price
THE GOD PLEASERS 40 day Study Guide

In general I agree with the comments of others. I think you have a great idea for a story, and your long pitch tells us your intentions of bringing your main character to a place of life-changing decisions. This is a wonderful concept, which should provide the opportunity for readers to re-evaluate their own lives.
However, your actual writing skills need some development (just my opinion). What I have read so far seems as though a casual observer is standing on the sidelines, describing what is going on. That just doesn't grab my interest, I'm sorry. The dialogue is better, and where you record Alexandria's thoughts, it all sounds very believable. Overall I think this is a good story, which would benefit from a solid rewrite with help from a more experienced writer.

Kerrie Price
THE GOD PLEASERS 40 day Study Guide

Because of the present tense this reads like an outline... an easy fix would be to make it first person and have either a narrator or let the characters tell the story. It could use a thorough edit for the sp. and grammar.
I'm interested to see where the characters go because you have done a good job setting them up;
the dialogue is good in some spots and stilted in some spots...college students generally are informal speakers.
The southern accent is difficult to read around...I'd suggest using y'all instead of "ya" for the girl.
The scene set up for the characters is good, I'm right there with them, easily able to imagine their setting. You do have a good way of moving them around.
You obviously did some research on the medical and musical aspects...all you need is just enough information to give the reader an idea of what is going on. You used a lot of terminology for both the doctor and the professor that 1) some people won't get and 2) made the hospital feel like a blow by blow recanting instead of a fast paced emergency.
Let me know when you get this edited...I'd like to look it over again.
Overall, interesting storyline. Good luck!

Oh, terrible, attitude of Alex, sad for him, Alex left him and went with another guy while he was expecting her back. Shame, after all this time together. Disloyalty to relationship. poor him heart broken, though didn't give up his love away.
A great story, hopeful imagination with her back after his suffering. a loyal charrecter, stable attitude and careful mannerism, true love is forever.
A great story and Well though. Good book get it published!
Read ache in my heart and comment pleasee.

Hi Dwain,

I’ve read your prologue and the first couple of chapters. You create the sense of drama well in the prologue. The description of sights and sounds draws the reader in and allows them to feel the action. There are times, however, where repetition begins to take from the intensity of the scene. For example you mention the word ambulance three times within the first two sentences. Once would have been enough to set the scene. Sometimes less is more. The reader will fill in the gaps without you needing to repeat yourself in order to move the story along (hope that makes sense).
For example the sentence ‘ A shrill wailing of the ambulance’s electronic siren comes to an abrupt stop as the ambulance pulls into the emergency entrance of Taos General Hospital’
It’s much easier as a reader to be grip by a less wordy sentence ‘The shrill siren comes to an abrupt stop as the ambulance pulls into the…’

Janny

A very fast start with the hospital entrance. slows down a bit as it continues but overall an interesting read. I have placed you on my wishlist and will read further in the future when a little more time avails. Highly rated.
Christian

Hi

You have put together a fast paced opening and it pulls the reader into the story. I like the switch in narrative as we enter chapter one and we have returned to a form of normality. I like the way you have contrasted two different scenarios. The story as a whole is a very interesting topic and one that will attract readers. The medical speak is a little complicated, but for me, this shows that you have researched your subject area thoroughly, and makes me feel like I am in the hands of a well studied author.

The only negative is a series of typos/grammatical errors but I'm sure you could easily fix this with a thorough edit.

Watchlisted and highly rated.

All the best,

Marc

Here are my impressions from having read the first 2 paragraphs. I like the idea of opening with something as dramatic as someone being rushed into an emergency room. It's always a brave and interesting choice to throw the reader into something like this right away. The first few lines work well, but for me the problems begin with the first line of dialogue. It just feels inauthentic. people in hospitals dont talk like that, only in tv dramas. The medical terminology used fels like a mix of tv dialogue and a glossary of terms that have been googled. It slows the story down far too much. From what i've read (i skipped ahead a few chapters too) your stengths are in the plotline and characters, these are fine, well drawn and believable. The weaknesses are in the dialogue, and also the prose feels clumsy at times. It all had the feel of a first draft, and if this is the case (or just an early draft) then you can be confident that these are issues which can be dealt with in the re-drafting process. Sorry i couldnt be more enthusiastic, especially as you have backed my book, but i thought i would give honest feedback rather than just reciprocal backing.

A good idea and you've put your heart into but you need to spend roughly the same amount of time editing it as you did writing it and make it a polished version. Also, I'm not sure about the present tense use all the way through. You're telling us too much instead of allowing things to become apparent through dialogue, for example. Tell the same story but tell it as a conversation between all the characters and they reveal a bit here and there, interspersed with narrative to explain certain things, that's my suggestion

which is normally is bustling -doesn't need two is's

1st paragraph-nurses rush to the door and meet, not meets

Dear Dwain

I read the first two chapters of your book, "Different Directions" this morning. i think your plot is great, and your characters are realistically drawn. I feel that your dialogue sections show some of your strongest writing.

You can use opportunities in your plot to add more drama, by taking out writing that feels repetitive. For example, in your prologue, while describing an exciting opening scene, if you take out the second sentence you will see how much easier the narrative flows.

Here I notice that you use a lot of sentences starting with "The". If you would vary the sentence structure and add dialogue, you can add drama, which, in a story of this sort, is the name of the game!

I am taken with your story, though I feel that you veer into self consciousness when you could be using the chance to describe something powerfully. You are a consistent, determined writer.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Hi Dwain, I returned for a few more chapters today. Good plot. Great message. Good dialogue. Well-written and I sensed the passion for your theme and character. The line that hit me bull's eye was "after his bout with death, he's not so eager to pursue life's empty promises." Wow. Wonderful overall.

T. Donna (No Kiss Good-bye)

Hi Dwain, I started reading your book this afternoon and you hooked with the intensity of the medical emergency. I didn't mind the present tense. It can be powerful. After reading the first two chapters in present tense, I picked up on too many "then" words. Cut those and take me alongside you, to feel the emotional pressure, the fear of the outcome, to hear the labored breathing and the urgency, the unknown, as well as feel the frustration from broken promises of a much-anticipated adventure for spring break. I will definitely return for more, though :)

T. Donna Robison (No Kiss Good-bye)

Dwain,

I agree with some of the other comments that telling your story in the present tense is very different and results in a different feel for the reader. It feels like each movement of the character is described and it doesn't leave the reader room to use his or her own imagination to get hooked into the story. It also could benefit from some editing to clean up some grammar and punctuation errors that unfortunately distract from your story.

I wish you all the best as you continue editing and writing!

Patti

A long overdue return backing and rating. Thank you - Ian

This will make a very good book with a little editing. I like the storyline and looking forward to reading more. The first thing I noticed was you did a lot of "telling" instead of the reader seeing the action. I would work on that, just one paragraph at a time. The editing is the "not so fun" part of writing, but it is sooo worth it. When/if you rewrite let me know, I'd love to look at it again!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
This is a story based on an interesting premise: how one bad moment can change a person’s life. The descriptions in the first chapter of the medical treatment are thorough. Makes the chapter a good contrast to the next one where people are just doing every day, college things. Overall, writing in the present tense gives this a sense of urgency which I liked. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Dwain -

I just checked out your book. I read the first two chapters and then jumped ahead to get a little feel for the middle of your book. I choose to read chapters 14 and 15 where Jeffery and Bo get in the accident.

I read a lot of the comments from other people so I’ll try to be a little original.

My first impressions - I love drama and lots of it, so this opening definitely hooked me. You obviously have some medical knowledge or at least had me fooled! You wisely end the prologue leaving the reader wanting to know the outcome of the accident victim.

Reading in present tense took little time to get used to. It works, but in my mind the story sounded almost too simple and factual.

You do a great job utilizing all the senses - seeing, hearing, smelling, touch, but in order for me to really get into a story I need to care about the characters. I want to know more about their inner workings - what they think, what they feel.

I wondered about the way you bring out Alexandria’s accent. I think it would be enough to say that she has a Texas drawl and then use some West Texan slang in her conversation to let the reader hear her voice. Trying to write how she talks made her sound almost red-neck and not too bright.

You do a wonderful job incorporating humor, music (I love the oldies), and drama into your story. And you obviously have an appreciation for and know a lot about cars and how to drive them in snow (chapter 15)

Chapter 14 The dialogue in chapter 14 was really good and humorous. You surprised me, those guys were gentlemen. Must be a reflection of yourself….

I was also surprised by the original poem that starts out chapter 15! Your talent abounds! And then back to more drama - “The accident” Loved it! All the chapters I’ve read, have been easy to read and pretty fast-paced and this chapter was no exception. It’s pace fit the scene well.

I’m curious as to what kind of books you like to read. Do you read books that are mostly in first person or third person? I guess I just wondered what made you write your book in present tense. It is really different. I’ve heard of people writing in second person for effect, which definitely makes a statement.

Dwain, I really appreciate the message of your book and the open door you are extending to people who would otherwise have no sense of belonging or direction. Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

An interesting read that will enjoy a spot on my bookshelf.

A few thoughts however. There is a good writing style here but at some points there is some repetition and characters saying what they are going to do, doing it and then think about what they did, the bath robe being an example in the prologue. The few negatives I find from this book are in fact from the prologue and the later writing style engaged me a lot more.

There is a lot of material in this book and it is a long read, however I did enjoy the story and the path taken. Whether aspects can be cut from it to make the story shorter and therefore more approachable is down to the writer, but I can see benefits from leaving it as it is and also adapting it.

Altogether thoroughly enjoyable and I wish you the best of luck!

Hi, Dwain I thought your story was full of great ideas and can clearly see that you have put in so much effort. I really think you can improve it much further by seeing where you can trim down some chapters, to make it more compelling to the reader. I honestly feel if you re-edit your story, the story will be stronger for it. Maybe let the reader think for his or her self sometimes. It's obvious that you have some great ideas.
Well done
Dwain and good luck with it.

Please come back to me when you have re-edited and I will have another look.

RATED 5 STARS
Darran. White Mask of Suberbia

Hi Dwain-Thomas,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Small thing, but in the long pitch, the hyphen kind of looks like an emdash. It should be a hyphen (one dash, not two).

If it’s important enough to mention that the young man is Catholic, it seems a bit redundant to say he has a strong set of Christian values.

That first line is a long, long run-on sentence. Maybe break it up.

The premise is excellent, but I think the pitch could use a scrub. Maybe whittle it down by shedding the back story and focusing on the hooks to lure the reader in.

Some redundancies in sentences to look for:
--First line, ambulance is in there twice.
--In the second paragraph, there’s a sentence where “hospital” is used twice.
--In the second paragraph, “emergency room” is used in back-to-back sentences.

“head to toe examination” head to toe should be hyphenated in this case

You’ve got a great opening, with a gripping scene to lure the reader in. My biggest grip is that, while the scene is captivating, I think the verbs are pretty weak, which lessens the impact of what’s going on. Predicates like “is being” are weak. Try strengthening it with a more active voice.

Also, sometimes the specifics of what’s happening get to be a bit overkill. Rather than over telling the nuances of what’s happening, maybe share some of the sensations and the significance.

A great start. The dialogue was strong, and I think this can do well with a bit of scrubbing.

Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Dear Dwain,

Here’s what I think of ‘Different Directions’.

The short pitch is fine, but the long one sounds like a synopsis and does little to incite the readers’ interest. Telling us upfront how the story ends can rob it of its very essence.

There’re a few instances of repetition, e.g. Ambulance’s electronic siren – ambulance, driver – drives, difficult laboured breathing, emergency room entrance doors – emergency room, hospital’s gurney – hospital’s oxygen supply, on-duty nurse – on-duty doctor, etc.
Changing a few words can help, e.g. Emergency entrance – emergency ward (in front of), motor – engine, wheeled cot – stretcher / gurney (as used later)
Because of the use of present tense, things got a little too tense. ;-)

The attending doctor orders for X-rays. But did he speak with the ambulance guys first? What about administering emergency drugs apart from oxygen? And then, we get to know of another person who’s also involved in the accident. What did he / she tell the doctor?
At this point, the narrative suddenly becomes overtly explanatory, as if the narrator has an aerial view of the world and he’s making a running commentary of the proceedings to the reader over phone or something. Sorry, if this sounds funny, but that’s exactly how I read it.
There are a few typos and the grammar needs to be looked at too.

On the whole, the dialogue sounds too detailed and rehearsed to sound real, e.g. the part where Dr Noblee speaks to the victim’s parents sounds unreal. In my experience, doctors do not divulge such painful details over phone as the listener may not be able to withstand the shock.

THE PROLOGUE CAME TO AN END AND AS I READ INTO THE NEXT CHAPTER, I GOT A MASSIVE SHOCK (A VERY PLEASANT ONE, NONETHELESS!).

The entire tone of the narrative changed. In a very good way. I don’t know how else to explain this, but this portion almost read like a different story written by a different person. Whatever went wrong with the prologue, consider it my advice and humble request that you should rewrite it in order to give the right opening to this remarkable story. Very few readers will be inclined to read beyond the prologue in its present state.

My rating: 5 STARS (for an original and genuinely interesting story)

Best regards,
AGC

i think you have a really good idea for a novel. i really like your short pitch though because you can tell theres going to be one amazing story behind that sentence. one thing id like to suggest is changing your long pitch. it sounds like a summary and doesnt feel like a good hook to me. it just doesnt do your short pitch justice. i wish you the very best of luck with this.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

I have now completed reading Different Directions and it certainly lived up to expectations. It is now enjoying a spell on my bookshelf.
Bea

Bea,
Thank you very much! Your words have elated me. Happy writing and good luck.

Writingbear

The beginning of this novel is intriguing and I have put Different Directions on my watch list with a view to promotion when i have found the time to read more. I have awarded the book six stars on the basis of chapter one. Well done and the very best of luck with your work.
Yours Bea

The beginning of this novel is intriguing and I have put Different Directions on my watch list with a view to promotion when i have found the time to read more. I have awarded the book six stars on the basis of chapter one. Well done and the very best of luck with your work.
Yours Bea

Hi Dwain,

I'm afraid I found your story rather hard going as it's written in present tense, which is not easy to follow, especially in a full length book. If I were you I would consider re-writing it in a more conventional style as the story does seem to have potential.

Other than this there are a few writing errors I spotted in the section I did manage to read but these can easily be sorted with a good proof read.

One thing that did stand out was that you used the phrase 'the lifeless limp body'. Lifeless means dead, so as the victim isn't actually dead you can't say this. You can say 'apparently lifeless' but not lifeless alone.

You also obviously have some medical knowledge or have done some extensive research. While this is impressive, you need to remember your readers will probably not have the same degeree of knowledge, so be careful when using medical terms and jargon.

Ron

Hello Dwain:

What a prolific writer you are! Your book has the length of a Russian novel. Sometimes less is more and if you want to communicate a redemptive message it may be worth considering to shorten the account, lest people should tend to read your book and then get discouraged before they reach the end; but that's just a thought for what it's worth.

I agree with many of the previous comments, so I will not be redundant. I would only add that the pitch is preachy and would tend to discourage people from even giving your book a read because of immediate barriers that tend to go up in their mind. Keep the pitch brief and enticing and let the book do the work of communicating the message.

Blessings to you as you offer your writing ability to His glory!

James Revoir

denise juanita,

Okay, I hope you are feeling better.

I have WL u until I can read it. Have not been well and will read as soon as am able to sit at comp longer. Thank you so much for your support and I hope to do the same for you in just a few.

- Different Directions -

(Based on the opening prologue and chapters 1-2)

The opening scene here is quite gripping, with a sence of immediacy and tension throughout. I would suggest thought hat it could be improved by editing out some of the repitition and overwriting. Foe example, we are told 'the ambulance driver drives in.' Here we don't need to be told it is an ambulance driver because we already know what kind of vehicle we are dealing with and having 'driver' and 'drives' in quick succession doesn't make for a smooth read.

In terms of 'overwriting', what I mean is that there is a fair bit of superfluous description. For example there is no need to tell us the siren is 'electronic', or that the breathing is both 'difficult' and 'laboured' (one adjective will suffice) or that someone eyes someone else 'desirously' (this is already clear from the context). This will lead to the narrative slowing down for the reader.

Another issue was that things felt quite A,B,C at times, meaning we are told 'this person did this, then this person did this, then this person did this.....' This was an issue that carried on throughout the chapters I have read and is again one that will affect the pace for the reader. It's not necessary for us to know every act at its inception, a more global view of things would help move the narrative along in a more readable and entertaining manner.

The rendering of the dialogue in the st of what I read was very good, and I particularly liked the protrayal of accents and vernacular. I did find it a little difficult to engage with the characters though as the story was told almost entirely in dialogue, without much of an authorial voice to lend a guiding hand.

All of the above are only the opinion of one person, and a person who is a novice as a writer and who makes no claim to beinf right about anything. They are merely my gut feelings and impressions and may be taken on or discarded as you like.

All the best with it,

Ross

I have WL u until I can read it. Have not been well and will read as soon as am able to sit at comp longer. Thank you so much for your support and I hope to do the same for you in just a few.

I read the hospital scene in the prologue.

1) Hyphenate 'head to toe.'
2) "Why do you suspect that?" The technician questions. 'The' should be lowercase. 'The technician questions' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There are more cases of a dialogue tag following dialogue where the first word of the dialogue tag is capitalized when it should be lowercase.
3) "Do you want me to take him down to the operating room." Put a question mark after 'room.'
4) I had to look up the meaning of 'sedulous.' Doing this took me out of your story.
5) ' ... to get the phone number of the comatose young man's parents of so he can call them.' Remove 'of' from this sentence.
6) "Hello." The patient's father mumbles ... Comma after 'Hello.' 'The patient's father mumbles' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). Also, as mentioned above, 'The' should be lowercase.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a beautiful day.

Al

Margaret,

Thank you for your input! I'll take what you have said into consideration.

Dwain-Thomas

There are some original thoughts in this story and I see it is based on actual facts. Sometimes it is difficult to write a fusion of fact and fiction, but you certainly make a good stab at it here. I guess this is a first draft and like all of us there are things to correct or improve, but a story is in the making and one I feel sure will be well worth the read.
Using this tense is unusual and quite intriguing in a novel, but it is possible to get used to all things so bravo for writing this way. I'm a fan of prologues and this one worked for me although as a nurse, I found a tedium which could be tightened considerably. However, a good draw to open your story with.
Keep working on this, Dwain. At the moment is has a glisten, polished it could sparkle. On my shelf tomorrow for potential. Margaret.

There are some original thoughts in this story and I see it is based on actual facts. Sometimes it is difficult to write a fusion of fact and fiction, but you certainly make a good stab at it here. I guess this is a first draft and like all of us there are things to correct or improve, but a story is in the making and one I feel sure will be well worth the read.
Using this tense is unusual and quite intriguing in a novel, but it is possible to get used to all things so bravo for writing this way. I'm a fan of prologues and this one worked for me although as a nurse, I found a tedium which could be tightened considerably. However, a good draw to open your story with.
Keep working on this, Dwain. At the moment is has a glisten, polished it could sparkle. On my shelf tomorrow for potential. Margaret.

Thank you for your input. I'll take it into consideration and see what I can come up with to make it better. As for now, good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Dwain,

I remember reading a little of 'Different Directions' (some time ago now), and, once again, I was really impressed by the opening scene - the acccident, the hosptial - there's a real immediacy to your writing that defiinitely does the job of grabbing the reader's attention, and more importantly, that of any potential agent or publisher. The next scene - the Kenneth and Alexandria scene didn't work so well for me, and I think you might want to look at the way you've structured these opening chapters.. If the meeting between Jeff and Alex is going to be the meat of your story, presumably told from alternating POV's, do we really need this scene, and could you not start at chapter 2, following the accident, and work in Alex's backstory - boyfriend left her to go off with friends - when she meets Jeffrey in chapter 4? As for me, that seems to be the more natural starting point for the story.

Just a thought.

But on the strength of the dynamite opening, and intriguing storyline, I'm more than happy to give you my backing.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Dwain,

I remember reading a little of 'Different Directions' (some time ago now), and, once again, I was really impressed by the opening scene - the acccident, the hosptial - there's a real immediacy to your writing that defiinitely does the job of grabbing the reader's attention, and more importantly, that of any potential agent or publisher. The next scene - the Kenneth and Alexandria scene didn't work so well for me, and I think you might want to look at the way you've structured these opening chapters.. If the meeting between Jeff and Alex is going to be the meat of your story, presumably told from alternating POV's, do we really need this scene, and could you not start at chapter 2, following the accident, and work in Alex's backstory - boyfriend left her to go off with friends - when she meets Jeffrey in chapter 4? As for me, that seems to be the more natural starting point for the story.

Just a thought.

But on the strength of the dynamite opening, and intriguing storyline, I'm more than happy to give you my backing.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

The opening to this book grabbed me right away, and the present tense makes the opening feel much more immediate. The dialogue between Kenneth and Alexandria feels natural, as well. Though I haven't read many books in present tense, this feels like a good choice for your novel.
I do think there are some areas that could use some tightening. For instance, the doctor seems to talk quite a bit; I imagine that in an emergency, his speech would be clipped and to the point.
I also wonder if simply telling us Alexandria speaks with a Texas accent is enough...but that could just be because I have a hard time reading when accents are written as they sound.
Misspelling I noticed: sapphire has 2 p's.
I really think this book has a lot of promise, and you certainly know how to write an action scene...my stomach was in knots as I read the scene in the emergency room!
Best of luck!
Emily

I really like the theory behind this book. The idea that coming so close to death has the power to change someone is very thought provoking.
You have a very unique style of writing. It is slightly wordy in places, but the flow remains continuous, so perhaps, this is your intention?
Your opening is very griping. You set the scene of the immediate aftermath of the accident excellently. Being thrown straight into the action is a great hook, and it certainly made me want to continue reading.
Your short pitch is the only thing here that didn’t quite work for me. I thought the choice of wording was a little stagnant (sorry) and it may have put me off continuing. I’m glad it didn’t as I would have missed this little gem.
I think with some trimming this could be very exciting.
All the best,
Janny

Hi Dwain

I like the inspirational idea behind yout book, the ides of coming so close to losing your life, and working out what's important is a very valid one.

Your pitch, I think, gives too much away by telling us what happens at the end, but that's just my thinking.

The only thing I would suggest is maybe cutting your words down a bit, as it felt a bit wordy to me. For example your first line you could probably remove the second 'ambulance' to make it a bit slicker, it was a bit repetitive. I liked that you opened straight with the accident though, it's like something out of a film or TV drama - straight in with the action :)

Otherwise I thought it was good. The first chapter felt a little report like, though, in that it felt like it was you telling me what was going on rather than me seeing it myself. The dialogue was OK, although I did find myself questioning whether the xray technician would really second guess the Doctor.

Starred and with a little editing, I think this could do well :)

Silva

H.W.,

Thank you for your inspirational words. I love writing in first person, present tense. It just feels natural to me. I have thought about script writing; however, it seems like it is out of reach. Is it hard to break into? And is it very lucrative? Again thanks for you kind words. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

I have made a start on your epic novel, I have noticed also the tense in which you write. Have you ever thought of writing a screen play as this is more like the kind of tense in which a script is written. Personally it is how i love to read, hence my choice of degree (screenwriting). I will watch this book for now as my shelf is full, but will eventually get my backing.

I have made a start on your epic novel, I have noticed also the tense in which you write. Have you ever thought of writing a screen play as this is more like the kind of tense in which a script is written. Personally it is how i love to read, hence my choice of degree (screenwriting). I will watch this book for now as my shelf is full, but will eventually get my backing.

Red,
Thank you! If you enjoy it half as much as I enjoyed writing it, I know you'll love it.

Dwain-Thomas
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

Caught me off guard at first but still managed to enjoy the first chapter. will get back to it shortly for a further read. Good luck with your book.
Red

Caught me off guard at first but still managed to enjoy the first chapter. will get back to it shortly for a further read. Good luck with your book.
Red

Dwain,

Great opening scene - something which hooks the reader, and, more importantly, is sure to keep any potential agent or publisher reading. Effective writing. Like the comment below, I think you need to look at the tense you're writing in - past, present etc - 'it was' instead of 'it is' - something that is easily rectifiable with a few tweaks. If this is intentional, then watch out for lapses.

Happy to back on strength and impact of opening chapter

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

I like the story. I have to agree with Kenneth's review below mine. Story is good and needs a tad of cleaning up. Usually a few reads with some "beta readers" helps a lot.
Backed
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Dwain-Thomas,
Your use of the present tense in "Different Directions" plunked me right in the middle of the action, my sense taking in everything you described. It was a refreshing change from the norm, and I certainly found your prose energetic, your dialogue realistic. I noticed some rough edges in terms of typos and phrasing that could be arranged better but over all, it's a diamond in the rough. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

What a challenging style you've taken on! For the most part, you carry it through, although there are some areas where you slip into past tense narrative - something I'm sure you'll catch while doing edits. I had some difficulty adjusting to reading prose in the present tense, since my brain has been trained to read in past tense. I also found some of the descriptions a bit cumbersome, but again - nothing that can't easily be cleaned up. I wish you all the best with your very unique writing style. The action from the start is excellent, the dialogue in the second chapter is more realistic than in the first. As with any book, the writing in the middle is more smooth and easy-flowing.

Jenny

Dwain,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

I love the shot gun start for, it pulls the reader from the first line

The next thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The dialogue has an urgent quality that matches the content.

Nothing extra or missing, just action oriented dialogue that.....

..... instead of slowing down the plot, accelerates it.....

...... to point of creating a vertigo

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

Can we name the doctor?

I would liked a bit more of a sense of placer at the start. You are introducing the reader to a world he/she has never seen before...

....so paint.

I also think you could add a bit more connective tissue.

It reads too much like theater; that is dialogue without visual pointers

Take the time to describe the scene and characters, so that you can complement the vertigo of the start with atmosphere.

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david