Solomon's Angel

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

More comments tomorrow, just didn't like the thought of this having a red arrow :o)

solomon's angel

Rob
Great opening chapter. Fast introductions, fast pace, crucial event, bang. Uh? – digital form?
Anyway, so it proceeds. Bang – bang – bang, chapter after chapter, each and every one is great! I’m now up to 6, but I’m reluctantly coming up for air to write this for you.
This is superb! I really like your style and please don’t listen to anyone who suggests you change it, except the long pitch perhaps. Otherwise, keep going, the energy, the ideas and the execution are all wonderful.
I would definitely buy this.
No criticisms.
See you in print.
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

CHAPTER 1
Unusual start. Reads like the programme for a West End play cast with all-new actors. You take more liberty with the descriptive metaphors, though, and they play well on the ear (I read them aloud just to see. Yes, I’m that sad.). Solomon’s introduction’s last paragraph is especially nice. As is the last paragraph of the chapter: “In digital form?” You have my attention.

CHAPTER 2
At this point, I skipped ahead to chapter three and then four to see if you intended to keep up with the introduction style, which it seems you do. I can’t decide yet whether I like this quirky way of doing things or if it’s going to wear a little thin. I’ll let you know once I’ve finished reading a few chapters properly. On with the show!

Nice paragraph of opposite and seemingly-conflicting virtues that the master (or mistress in this case) or the Mystic Lodge should have. You’ve used the phrase “unfortunately, on the downside…” again here. Or maybe it was only something similar in chapter one. Anyway, the point is that it sounds too repetitive to use again, at least this soon. Needs a replacement. The “Unknowable” shtick is starting to get a little old too. It’ll need to be made know at some point in the not-too-distant future. Lovely ending to the chapter, however.

CHAPTER 3
Ewwwww. I don’t like spiders. Depending on how often you talk about it, I may have to jump ship. Seriously: embarrassingly bad arachnophobia!

“Expressionful?” That’s not a word!

Otherwise, this a fearsomely good chapter and I have nothing else to say about it.

CHAPTER 4
“His chins are unshaven” – that made me grin! How the hell did Pavel come to implant anything in Solomon (a) at all and (b) without such a powerfully magical person being protected or somehow noticing. No doubt I’ll find out soon, but that the question instantly pops up is maybe something to consider: perhaps the explanation could come before the fact?

Yup now explained. Sort of. Think it needs to come earlier. Or else use one of your ‘be patient, reader’ phrases to let us know you will get to the explanation shortly. It was a little distracting for me.

CHAPTER 5
I loooooooooove Sir Connor Lord! And the so un-dramatic, almost cavalier way in which you introduce him.

OVERALL
I’ve decided I like the “Introducing” method, but I think to make it even more of a show bill style thing, I’d include another few elements like this: “exit stage right,” “cue audience gasps of disbelief,” “cut scene” – that sort of thing. Not only makes it more obvious what you’re doing but strengthens the meta metaphor. So to speak.

Have to agree with another comment I’ve seen (either on a forum post or else you comments) that you need to rework the pitch. It doesn’t currently do you credit.

The writing in this, however, is tight, and there’s some wonderful humour shining through all over the place. The story is original and interesting. I know you said you didn’t care an only wanted the critique, but it’s on my shelf, just so you know!

I have never read a book in the present tense before and wasn't sure I was comfortable with it at first. but your writing is so seductive, the story so intriguing, I was captivated by the end of the first page. This is an entrancing, thrilling roller coaster ride of a book, one that I am delighted to shelve.
The vivid images and extraordinarily well crafted characters captivated me. I loved it!

I have to say up front that I don't like present tense in novels. Don't know why, I just don't. I think I'm going to have to file this one under "books so far outside my personal taste, style-wise, I can't really offer any useful feedback". It looks like you are striking a chord with many other readers, though, and I wish you all the best with the book!

Turns out i like funny things. Go figure.
It takes patience to summon an angel, maybe thats why Ive never done it.

Hi Rob!

I promised to read this a while back and have just reached it on my WL! Really different and unique writing style -- i like it a lot. The characters are well drawn and easy to visualise, understand etc. The narrative is so origional that it makes this a really refreshing read. I think the genre is also very appealing, with angels and demons etc.

I think this will do really well and i'm happy to back it!

Good luck!
Valentina

Good Grief, Rob, why are you hiding this? It's brilliant: get out there and plug the brains out of it! Your writing reminds me of Robert Rankin, but better. I have to say the title and your pitch did not inspire me to read this: I think you need to look at them again because they give no sense of the madcappery that is your book. Now, get on my shelf and stay there!

Hi there,
I liked this and have put it on my revolving shelf.
First up, I like your style, it's different, refreshing and original. You write well, IMO. I like the comedy here, it adds to the flow of the story if that makes sense?
Your descriptions are good and your characters plentiful and interesting. I like the way there are lots of smaller stories going on within the whole, lots of characters with things going on.
Ebony (great name) is a well drawn character, I like her immediately.
Nothing to nit-pick ;-)
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

I like this. It's different and the structure is completely original in my mind. I sort of sense from the opening 3 chapters that the beginning is as you have written an Introduction into the main characters of your story. Your writing is humorous and very descriptive. I am impressed kind sir. Very impressed! Shelved.

Rachel May

Thank you Rachel. That makes it a good start to the day. :-)

I like this. It's different and the structure is completely original in my mind. I sort of sense from the opening 3 chapters that the beginning is as you have written an Introduction into the main characters of your story. Your writing is humorous and very descriptive. I am impressed kind sir. Very impressed! Shelved.

Rachel May

What an interesting style, Rob. I don't think that I've come across it before. It works well so far (I'm at chapter 8) though I'm wondering if a short break into a more conventional style might improve things in the long term. The story itself is fun, and you certainly have plenty of characters, all different, to drive it along. I'm enjoying this and will putit on my shelf.
Things to consider
page 3 -

read him at all. Don't need 'at all'.

I have no time at all...same as above


but give the man a break.... to.... but remember. Give the man a break is somehow too familiar.

diamond bit on the tip of a drill - not a great simile. A diamond bit doesn't shine.

4. 'serge' of unexplained data surge


6 moonlight helps ...a bit...don't need 'a bit'.

regards, Scott.

Brilliant start Rob. Just caught you at the end of a tired thread Was going to bed but thought I'd take a look at your book. Read chapter one. Love it. Will be back tomorrow for the rest then review. Scott.

Fab-u-lous. Read to the end of Chapter 4 and will be back when time permits. Meanwhile this is going onto my shelf for a well-deserved spin.

Really, I can't fault this. I simply love the narrative, the introductions, the characters ... well, just about everything, really. Get off that bus and upload some more. PLEASE!

Best wishes
Amery

Cool thanks for your comments I’ll have a look. Glad you liked it ;-}

Hi Rob: I have thoroughly enjoyed this and I don't care in the least for thrillers or horror. I would say about Ebony Wild: She is sometimes joyful as the wind, occasionally playful as a cat, but more often stern as a judge passing sentence. Or whichever is true of her.

You might occasionally just say The Lodge---I'm not sure of the effect of all the repetition. I guess it was intentional the way the full names have also been repeated. I guess a read through to see what rings best.

I like the sound of Old in year, old in wisdom, old in magic. (I would leave out the 'and').

You might leave off the word 'when' in this sentence: She, like all the members of The Mystic Lodge...feels the moment (when) Solomon Browns speaks his word....

...instantly knows (that) she has become (the) Mistress of The Mystic Lodge.

A fate worse than fate?

Solomon Brown just will not be found kinda made me chuckle cause it rhymes.

I think you need more impact with that last paragraph in chapter two. Maybe take the extra 'that's out of the second sentence?

In chapter three, you might want to hyphenate 'oddly-smelling bed'.

Wait a minute. How big is Kainda? A spider hunting mice. I'm frightened. It is nice (in this format especially) that the chapters aren't long.

Do you think you might not need the 'when' in the following sentence? Aysha Nandi, in her sleep, feels the moment when Solomon Brown speaks his word and completes his rune and dies, ....

This is so BRILLIANT!!!! Brilliant! Oh. This is on my shelf.

The narrative is intriguing, but I can see why several people find it hard to get into. I think it might flow better if there were longer periods where the scenes played themselves out, rather than relied on the invisible and omniscient narrator's commentary. It's an interesting device, but as you continually introduce characters it wears thin.

Ch6 in my opinion, felt a little contrived. Just it seems hard to believe that neither Dillon or Mia wouldn't be a little annoyed or suspicious of someone just popping in, child or not. For an atheist and disbeliever, Dillon doesn't really come off as skeptical as you've described his character. Maybe it's the shock, maybe it's the kid's magical influence, but the narrative keeps me too distant to tell.

At some points, the prose feels a bit purple.

The plot itself is fairly engrossing and the characters are interesting, but I guess I'm just hung up on the narrative.

This is a style that is, at the same time, intriguing but potentially hard for the reader to maintain contact with over several chapters because you are, in effect, telling us the story as a story-teller might tell one to an audience. It seems to work although I am unsure whether it can be sustained for an entire novel and, at the same time, keep the reader. It's drawback is that the reader is kept at arm's length. You need to allow the reader to come in closer from time to time. It is partly because of the form of the present tense that you use; it is not direct. Nevertheless, the narrative keeps moving forward. I'll shelve it for a while.

Excellent Rob O, Great characters and great pace. I just know it will be worth the wait for all he threads to come together. On the shelf, good luck. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Rob this looks great. If you ever want to try peer review where you can get detailed feedback in private, and a bit of networking, try www.bookshed.eu.

Because the shed is always on the lookout for the talent.

Any questions: james.whyle@gmail.com

Lost my real comment a second ago, so the bulleted version!

LOVE the concept of the novel because I love ensemble cast books (suggest you read Dave Barry's first novel; his second was kind of crap.

Hated to say it but thought some more fine-tuning of Aysha could be done because she feels a little stilted, and not a lot is clear about her. Sometimes seemed you were implying she was a child, sometimes a teen or young woman.

Stupid lost thoughtful comment. Hoped this little stunted one was beneficial somehow.

Take care,
Amethyst

Ron, I'm glad I stopped by. This is a great read, by the way. I am taking notes as I go, so I may repeat what others have said or I may not...

Chap 1:

Overall, this reads like a screenplay. I'm just looking for 'fade in' and 'fade out' markups. This is the first time I've seen character intros as part of the body of a book. That's a forced backstory on main characters that make it easier for you to write but not so essential for readers.

Other than that, the descriptions and set up of Solomon and Robertson are very well done, a vignette to a whole story without writing any meat to it yet. Now the reader knows a lot about each character and can visualize them, but I wonder if that couldn't have been provided in pieces, along with the story.

I like the tongue in cheek prose with the fast action, but too much and it becomes cheesy.

The final sentence makes me, personally, cringe. We are all, in some part, in digital form via the internet and security footage and the like. What kind of digital form are you meaning? Something more than I am?

Chap 2:
We continue with intros. While the descriptions and writing are superb, it just doesn't feel like a novel. Feels more like a screenplay, or one of those books only meant to be read out loud to a group.

If they're Unknowable Daemons, how do Solomon and Ebony know about them?

Your transitions from section to section continue to be good. Keeps me going.


Overall, this is superbly written. Your command of the English language and ability to tell a story is much better than mine. I just question the commercial aspect in terms of current layout, but I'm sure you've got a plan.

Terrible typo of mine, really must edit more. Not getting on with it. Sorry.

Wow, this is a different style isn't it? I like it when people don't conform. You do break the rules here. To be honest, I'm getting on with it, because I feel like I'm waiting for the action to happen, or the plot to kick in, some dialogue etc, and the 'introducing...' titles put me off. The subject matter seems great.
Good luck with it.
Hannah

Going my shelf tomorrow for "Fantsy Week", Rob. Just an FYI.

:)
Amethyst

I like your style of writing, it reminds me a little of A.M Holmes! You manage to convey a sense of wonderment...quite mystical! And I love the dry humour, just slipped in ever now and then. You have a style of writing I could never have. Keep it up.

I have never read anything that introduces the characters like this. it works and sets the scenes nicely

I read your advice and went straight to your first chapter.
I'm new here and not yet sure what I'm meant to say so I'll just say what i think.
I love the imagery and description of characters. I particularly 'enjoyed' the death of Solomon.
I'm going back now to read some and once I get into this I'll twig what I'm supposed to be doing here.
Ju x

Hello Rob,
Here I am, back as promised. Very unusual introduction, loved the 'rapier' metaphor. You write with a very flowing style, easy to latch onto and follow, and you have mastered the (I find) extremely difficult art of writing in the present tense. I liked 'caressed only by rain'.
I liked the introduction to Ebony Wild. Two good hooks in Chapter 2, 'on the downside...' and 'E W has decided to summon an Angel'.
It struck me during Chapter 3 that there is something very old fashioned and attractive about your story telling. It's rather like listening to an old man telling stories round the fire. Very engaging.
Chapter 4. Very much liked 'between is and will be'. Also, 'built largely of plastic'.
Good depiction of Salome Brown in the restaurant.
I haven't read comments from other people yet. I expect they mention the lack of dialogue, but actually, this works for me.
That's all I have time for at the moment, but it's hopping up to my Shelf. Enjoyed it, thank you.
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

Hello Rob,
Just a quick note to say I haven't forgotten Solomon's Angel. It is next but one in my queue, and judging by the synopsis and other people's comments, it's going to be a treat. If you get a chance to look at C & C some time I would be really grateful. Nit picking welcome!
Nicky (Chickens and Churchbells)

Intriguing. I'll have a read and come back with comments later.

Okay Rob, I know what you mean by 'drive for change' but it stays while I have nothing better to put there. Will put you in watched.

Maybe you could upload this in a bigger text so I can seriously read through? Could someone get Rik to up the text size already? This is Size 10. No way good for reading.

How long is this book exactly? I fast clicked all the way to Chapter 14, and realised that you must have introduced at least 10 new characters. To be honest, I'm really interested to see how it all links up. I mean, this has got to be something big. You're either a genious for following your own way of writing or a stubborn git for not conforming.

Anyways, I feel this book has potential. And I can only imagine how complex this plot must be. This can be like a Broadway musical or play. It's got that feel. If i wasn't r eading this on the blindng computer screen, I'm certain I would read through all the way to Chapter 14 for sure. I read through to Chapter 6 but found myself mostly interested in Ebony and Pavlor's characters. Perhaps those not so important characters, you could introduce with less flourish so we can go straight to the plot?

Hi Rob,
Thanks for replying to my thread. I have watchlisted you and will get back to you. Great synopsis!
Nicky (Chickens and Churchbells)

Ok Chapter 2 did it for me. You weave words easily and expertly. I like the way you introduce each character with that flourishing author's command.

Hi Rob O, I saw your pitch at some shameless plug and the dark /humorous theme drew me right here. The first chapter was kinda intriguing, kinda darky humor, but most importantly well written. I'm gonna click chapt 2 and see-see.

Hey,
I think it is ironic how I hesitated to replace your book on my shelf. I personally didn't care for how it was writen but I thought perhaps it was just me and that your book should be given a chance. And look at you now, going up in standing! Must be all the rich descriptions and plot you weave. I "backed the book" for a reason; just not the reason of me really enjoying it :P

Gina

Rob, I really like your use of snark (VERY entertaining) and the premise is drool-worthy, but the mechanics and some of the structures are killing me, mostly the run-ons and the foggy pronoun references (sometimes when I read "he" I have to go back to the start of the sentence to see which "he" is most likely the one you mean because it's not entirely clear).

Considering how much I already like the idea of this novel I'd be really disappointed if it didn't get its chance just because of some simple rehashing. Re-hash, man, re-hash away. This story is worth it!

If you have questions or--uh, arguments the email is amethyst DOT greye AT gmail DOT com

Thanks for giving me a chance to read!
Amethyst

Rob your book is such fun. I'm up to Ch. 4 ... you've got that elusive gift of profluence, that ineffable thing that makes you want to turn the page. So many of the books here that are really really good from pov of craft and character development yet lack this one thing that to me, is the most important element of a good read.

I think you could expand the description of Solomon Brown quite a bit, right at the beginning, at least a few paragraphs, for two reasons (1) Hitchcock-style suspense, as in, he knows he's in danger and why, and if he could communicate that to us I think it would serve you; and (2) color him in a little bit more deeply, because he figures prominently in the next three chapters, and it seems to me that if you started with a bit deeper of a portrait it would drive the reader into the story, deeper and faster.

Also, I do agree with other commenters that the word 'introducing' jars a bit and breaks the flow; you could achieve the same effect just by putting the character's name in bold or larger type, or on its own line.

More anon, and thanks so much, Maria.

I like the mixture of the modern world and ancient magic, and the whole thing gives an impression of bright, deep colours, gold and flashing steel. I like the authorial intrusion – a rare treat these days.

I live in Islington, and I couldn’t help wondering where Ebony obtained the goat. Coram’s Fields was the only possibility I could think of…

‘Trap a heart with one sad smile’ ‘Searching for safety by walking, begging and slipping through the gaps’ ‘Aysha, friend of small creatures’ – you have some pleasing turns of phrase.

Not at all sure about the ‘introducing’ ploy; it seems a bit of a cop out, when it’s notoriously difficult to introduce one’s characters while attempting to grab the reader by the throat. I think you should learn to love the apostrophe; it would serve better than some of your commas.

I read the first three chapters, and by then I was wanting something more to happen, and I’m not sure what; maybe I felt the scene was being set, but the play had yet to begin. Or it could just be reading on the computer at the end of the day…I will try to return.

Rob,
I am sorry to have to be brutally honest but I DID read most of what you wrote. I, however, am not sure that this is MY type of book. I felt like I was reading SOOO much information and I was waiting for the dialogue and character interaction. It didn't happen. It was THIS happens then THIS happens and THIS happens. I got worn out. I'm sorry.

I was interested though in what people had to say about your writing and it gave me some perspective. jmac said something about your use of language. What he said that right. You describe things very well and I could follow what you were saying.(even though it was almost overwhelming with the amount of info) .... The fact that this was compared to a Peter James book tells me that maybe I have just never read a book like this one. I am used to a different style, I suppose.

This is a very good concept but I am not sure that I would personally finish the book if I picked it off the shelf at the library.

Sincerely,
Gina

Rob,
Off the top of my head, my fist critique is "why the introductions as your introduction?" You synopsis got my attention BUT the beginning of your book should be something to GRAB ME, pull me in and hook me to read more. INstead , it insited a deep need to rant at you for introducing me to the characters in a very clinical outline fashion. Could you think of a better way to start off?

Anyway... I will read more and comment again in a few hours :P

Gina

Very interesting.... I will 'watch it' and read as fast as time allows...

Hi - just read the initial few sections of this - it seems interesting and needs bookshelfing (new verb?) for when I am not so tired. But the Introductions seem to have caused a bit of debate on your comments, so though I'd add my 2p worth now: a thumbs up. I thought it was quite an original idea - a lot of novels start like that anyway, so why not foreground it?

So far it seems genuinely well written which is to be applauded. As I say, will take a deeper look another time. Good luck with this one until then...

You've gotten my last watchlist spot, Rob.

Ha! This is great. Don't recall ever reading anything that introduces its characters with that mini-biog style, but it works. Very novel for something that, in some way, reads like a screenplay. Witty entertaining stuff, with a wonderful consistent tone and this is something that definitely stands out as fresh and original.

Rob, I just finished reviewing the draft of this that you've posted YWO and came straight over to see if it's up here. Solomon is one of the funniest, best-written piece I've read in a long time (and I normally hit Delete when Fantasy comes my way). I love the introductions of the characters - yes, I know it's all tell - and the way that you puncture the conventions of the genre. This has to be published. It's going straight on my Bookshelf.

Re your comment on my web page. It is hard getting about the website and trying to see what's new, especially when you don't have the time. Anyway, Rob, thanks once again for having a read. I've been changing my Bookshelf around and there are some other really funny stories, check mine out. Have a look at Elmer, Brendan Roberts should be a stand up comedian. Jim