Freckles the fawn - the story of a friendship

In these difficult days with abounding bad news, I find myself coming back to your book from time to time. It's like a glimpse into paradise. Quite therapeutic. We'd love to buy a copy and have it on our shelves. I hope that is possible some day. Thank you for uploading it here.
Best,
JBC

Valerie,
This episode in your life more than half a century ago must have left an indelible mark in your mind as you recall it clearly and succinctly with all the flavour and mystery that come along with being so close to nature. Certainly in our current world of woe and cynicism, your story is a breath of fresh air, conveyed in simple, casual prose which is a joy to read. At the very beginning you start off in the present tense as a detached observer - you might want to consider switching to past tense right after, with the fawn coming into play. Overall brilliant. Thank you.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Helle Valerie This is a charming story, simply written - which is difficult! Your writing flows beautifully and tells the story unobtrusively -if that makes sense. One of my neighbours here in the depths of the French countryside adopted a fawn in similar circumstances, two years later it is tame and comes into the house a lot. So this tale resonates with me. The only comment I would make is to agree with those below re the age of children this is aimed at, I think this is important, if only because some of the words might be a little complicated for a younger age group. Good luck with this, Val

After reading the first chapter, I can say that this is well-written and flows beautifully from one sentence to the next. I didn’t even mind there not being much dialogue (I usually become a bit bored with a lot of long paragraphs but was, instead, rather enchanted by the tale).
I found it very sweet and touching, and hope Freckles’ life picks up now that he’s been found by this girl.
However, I think the story is far more suitable for young children than young adults (from what I’ve read) and I see others have commented on this as well.
Overall, I enjoyed this and I expect kids will too, especially girls! I wish you the best of luck with it :)

Hi Valerie,

I finally found time to come and look at your book. :)

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. They'll only be my thoughts, after all. + you can ignore me if you think I'm a moron. :)

Chapter 1: From the start, this reads like a polished, preofessional piece. You plainly understand how to write clearly, selecting the best verbs and nouns for the job. And this comes across as a beautiful, bittersweet story.

1 tiny suggestion. I don't think you need both beats and speech tags at the same time. eg in "Hush, little one, they won't hurt you," she whispered, stroking him gently..." we can figure out who's speaking from the beat. So "Hush, little one, they won't hurt you." She stroked him gently..." would do the job better and in fewer words.

1 other small point on the same section. I'd suggest only using adverbs where verbs are insufficient. 90% of the time, a strong verb does the job better than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg look at "stroking him gently". Stroking already implies gentleness, so I don't think you need the adverb at all. After all, I don't think it's even possible to stroke violently. ;)

Chapter 2: The way you write Freckles is co cute. I can see girls loving this. I suspect we're seeing the 1st stage of a real-life battle to keep Freckles alive, though. i hope she succeeds. :)

Chapter 3: Very sweet again, especially when Freckles meets the pets. And I love the "sawn-off Alsation" description. ;)

In Freckle's and the girl's interactions, i'm starting to get a real "born free" vibe. It's all v sweet, but I'm worrying this unnatural situation won't end well. I hope I'm wrong...

Chapter 4: I'd loved to have seen the socks on the Fawn. That would make a beautiful picture. :)

I feel I should ask something here, though. Are you sure this book best fits the YA age range? I've been reading a lot of YA lately, and it tends to be edgy stuff. This reads much more like MG to me.

+ the wordcount is low, even for MG. Speaking for fiction, MG wordcounts tend to be about 30,000. YA is often about 60-80,000. Of course, I don't write non-fiction, so if different standards apply, pls ignore this comment.

OK I'll stop nitpicking now. I think I've got the measure of the book by this stage. It's a v sweet and well-written story that I can see girls loving. I don't really have any major complaints, so I'm happy to rate this highly and back it.

I do hope you have success getting this published, and wish you the best of luck with it,

Pete x

This is a fun and educational read. A unique writing style coupled with a fascinating story are my two reasons for backing this true story.

I enjoyed reading this from start to finish. Some bits reminded me of growing up with goats, so it touched a spot of nostalgia in me – but the exotic setting and descriptions were a wonderful taste of another life.

I think this book would do very well for children of around age 6 to early teens. I’ve read a book in a similar style to my five year old, and I think he would enjoy this too. You writing is interesting and easy to understand, but there’s just enough in there to stretch a reader too, with the added bonus of the exotic surroundings. Your chapters are nice and short, which again I think will be great for a younger age group. I could see this being published with well-drawn illustrations every few pages.

I like the way the girl remains nameless – it helps keep the focus on the fawn at the centre of the story, and in a strange way makes your epilogue stronger. Your presence in the story is a modest one, and the fawn and the surroundings tell the tale.

Structurally, I think this was very nicely written, but it needs some editing. There are places that need an extra comma, or need the speech separating from a paragraph of prose. Sometimes I think you need a ‘he said’ or ‘she said’ after a piece of dialogue that otherwise is inserted directly into a sentence.

There something wrong with this sentence in chapter 7 - ‘… three skinny Asian girls, their eyes outlined with black kohl children followed the girl…’
In chapter 12 - ‘…the fawn – obviously unhurt he smiled…’ sounds like the father is unhurt – you need another dash between ‘unhurt’ and ‘he’
Also in chapter 12 – ‘then helped out of the deep hole’ – is this missing a noun or pronoun?

I will have no hesitation in backing this as soon as I get a space on my shelf,

Anna
Angelwings

Balepy - I've come back after a long break, to enjoy meeting more of the fawn's adoptive family. I appreciate the gentle way you teach theconsequences of too rough a lesson (when he butted her hand), or a sudden introduction, which causes fear. And the lesson of the puff-adder in Ch.5. Then Freckles becoming more boisterous as he grows older, and the amusing trip to town in Ch.6.

A light-hearted children's tale from Africa, with several messages.
Backed again. Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi Valerie, I'm sure I read and commented on your beautiful story some months ago. It is a lovely tale and so well written and constructed. Superb! best wishes and good luck, Gordon (The Harpist of Madrid)

Hi Valerie, I love this. I really enjoy well-written stories about animals. As a child, my favourite book was 'Shadow the Sheep Dog' by Enid Blyton.
I like that the protagonist is known only as 'the girl.' Is the little girl you?
I'll give this a backing when I've got some space on my shelf. Thanks for the lovely read,
Becky x

A lovely, old fashioned, well written story. Maybe it could do with a bit of extra local detail, but that is a minor thing. 5 stars. well done.

Hi Valerie. You have the makings of a very sweet story. May I make a suggestion?

I suggest you re-title Chapter 1 "PROLOGUE". It does what a prologue is supposed to do; provide all the necessary back story to take you to the beginning of the story. It's mostly narrative, as prologues are, and very good narrative, too. I searched for passive voice and you have skillfully avoided it. Your story is well defined and you seem to know where your going. Your prose flow smoothly. Very good beginning.

My book is A PLACE IN LIFE and is not written for Young Adults. It may not be the type of thing you read. If not, please don't feel any obligation to read beyond the first page or so. I would, however, appreciate you taking at a chapter or two and letting me know what your first impression is.

Many thanks.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Hi Valerie,
Started reading your book and got so engrossed that I read the entire lot! How heartbreaking to have to let go something so beautiful but what a wonderful ending! Living here in Spain one tends to adopt animals as they come along and in the eightenn years thats I've been here I have been mum to cats, dogs, a goat, a horse and a runaway piglet! Great fun but murder on the rugs!
Have backed, shelved and starred your delightful book!

Dee x

Valerie, I've read the first four chapters and am enchanted. What a cute little freckles and so much affection between the girl (you?) and the fawn. It seems to be very well written but much more important, to me, it is a wonderful story. I hope lots and lots of other people read this. David

Valerie,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The jewel of the narrative is the methodic, blow by blow description of behavior.

.......she finds freckles, she feeds him ......she takes him home

.......that kind of methodic description is what allows the reader to create an endearing picture in his mind.....

......and is what makes your story worth reading.


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would have liked a bit more of sense of place.
If you don't paint a place for your character, is just behavior and dialogue

"whispering quietly" "soft white fur" "deep happiness"
I would cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

for ex: "whispering quietly"
is there any other kind?

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

A beautifully written story, which i know my seven-year-old son would really enjoy.
A job well done. Five stars.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains.

Hi valerie
I have now read some more of this lovely story. I don't know when the story was actually written, but as I read, I can hear the story being told by a young girl, full of wonder. A lovely lovely story.
Best wishes
John

Hi Valerie,

This is such a lovely, gently told tale. The fact that it is a true story makes it doubly delightful.
My son, who is nine, would love this story though I think he might be a little sad at the end as Freckles returns to the wild.

My only little criticism (and it is tiny) is that on a couple of occasions the paragraphs are over long and could be split into two. But this is just a personal viewpoint and fairly insignificant.

Overall, I found your writing, and the story itself, a joy to read.

x

Valerie - a gentle tale, full of information, which is an ideal education for those unfamiliar with fawns.
You spoil the suspense in the first chapter, by saying his mother never returned. Try deleting those four words. What is the girl's name? And how old is she, I wonder.
I can imagine this book scattered with illustrations, showing the fawn sleeping, straining at the teat, being introduced to the other animals, especially Monty on his "pinched feet". And Miranda shaking the puffadder to death.
There are so many dramatic tales to tell of the African bush. You have a wonderful way with words, and your writing is impeccable. You combine education and story line well. Good luck with this.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hi
I've cheated a little and read the last chapter and footnote, as you suggested to Nigel. Not my normal read, but this is a beautiful story, beautifully written. I have given it 5 stars and placed it on to my W/L for the time being. I wish you well with this story.
Best wishes
John

Valerie,
Thank you for the encouragement to read the last chapter and footnote (I would have gotten there eventually--as I need many a therapeutic session while here--I'm in the red today, alas). All of your fans on Authonomy are grateful, I'm sure, that you were down in that plaster cast, allowing you to write this. A lovely book.
Best,
John B Campbell

I LOVE THIS BOOK! It reminds me of The Yearling, by Marjorie Rawlings - one of my favourite books.
Freckles the Fawn is a story any child would love, Valerie. Backed with pleasure and some stars, and on w/l.

Kate Grimes - LIZZIE- CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN

Dear Valerie,
I love your book. In a world so out of control, a world where too many feed on debased entertainment, how wonderful to find a literary haven like this. I'm sure I'll be reading this again and again.
Thank you,
Bea

Valerie,

a charming story. You paint an excellet picture of the girl and her pets and create a really strong bond between them. You focus in on just the right details to take the story on and at the same time keep up the pace of the book.

I've starred it highly and added you to my watchlist so that when there's a space I will add it to my shelf.

Tim
The Water Works of Clear Wash City

Valerie,
This is the kind of book that all parents should have, bonding with their young as they nurture appreciation for reading. Gentle and charming. If only society today valued this kind of thing more so. The writing is lovely. Thank you for uploading it here. Best wishes. 6 stars.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi Valerie
I have read your first three chapters and really enjoyed your story. It is a lovely children's book and has great potential. I can imagine it illustrated and it will be beautiful. I envisage the reader of this book will be about 7-9 and It will need illustrations to break up the text for these young readers.

I only have a couple of quibbles. Firstly, why do you not give 'the girl' a name? Younger readers will certainly expect that and it personalises her. The other point I would make is that I have never met a hedgehog yet (and we've known a few) who is happy to be up an about during the day (they are nocturnal.) You could easily lose that paragraph.

I think it is a lovely story and wish you all the best with it. I will give it a good star rating and some time on my shelf. Best of luck

Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

Freckles the Fawn - The Story of a Friendship.
Chapter 1: Immediately engaging a reader with the recent birth of a fawn. The author lets young readers know life is dangerous for both mother and fawn from the outset. When mother Antelope hears hunters and smells dogs she leads them away from her baby in full knowledge the risks she takes by this action, may means she will not return. Realistic without being graphic.
"He has no scent of his own.' This is something I was completely unaware of and watching documentaries had often wondered why hunters had missed their prey whilst being so close to it. Very informative.
Chapter 2: Good description of the fawn's fright when the girl tries to bottle feed it.
Chapter 3: Love the way the girl interpreted Cherub's 'unfriendly growl coming from her throat' as swearing. Charming descriptions of the girl introducing Freckles to the other animals her family has.
Chapter 4: The girl making socks for Freckles - a lovely idea which is not at all helpful but shows her caring nature.
Chapter 5: Once again the author, to her credit, disregards the soft option so prevalent today, which incorrectly gives children completely the wrong idea about the natural world and animals inhabiting it. Miranda, one of the family's dogs, kills a snake and is in turn poisoned by its bite. No punches pulled about the results and the girl's desperation is almost palpable.
This has so much going for it. From the portrayal of the girl to a world red in tooth and claw, the author's gentle voice leads the reader through a realistic and absorbing story that anyone with a love of animals, will enjoy.

Nanty - Chrys!

I love this story Valerie. Gentle and well-written. I can see this as a TV programme/film. It reminded me of Born Free. Terrific job.

Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

Wonderful story! I enjoyed your vivid descriptions of the imagery, the dialogue, and the direction the story is going. I can feel the gentle, loving care of the girl, and the softness of the fawn. This is an excellent story, and should definitely make it to the ed desk soon! Best Wishes!

A delightful work, thanks for sharing. A suggestion is to insert a Prologue to offer a brief scope of the work to readers. Good luck, Chuck On my WL.

Really beautifully written. I was in tears half way through chapter 1. Deftly observed. You obviously have a very close affinity to animals.

One niggle - I'd prefer it if the little girl didn't refer to the fawn as "freckled fawn" before hitting upon the name two paragraphs later as it weakens the punch.

I'm going to get my friend's daughter to read this. I think she'd love it.

The book cover is so beautiful, fragile and inviting. Similarly, there was a lovely innocence in your writing.
It was interesting that you began the story by talking about the fawn. Although I have only got as far as the third chapter, the book seems almost to be written from the point of view of the fawn, or even a deer telling the story..! I wonder what the book would feel like if the story was more centred around the little girl; if it began with her finding what looked like a pile of brown clothes and then discovering it to be a fawn. She seems to know exactly what to do (feeding it with a bottle, not panicking when being bitten), has she rescued a fawn before? What is going through her mind? It intrigued me that it is non-fiction. I really wanted to feel a deeper connection with the girl who found the fawn. What was her name? Was she YOU? There is a beauty to the story, but for me this could be even deeper if I could be drawn into the emotions of the girl.

Ch 4
Ach, the notion of such polished floors is quite novel these days. But things were different then. The scene of the girl and the fawn curled up on the matress is timelessly lovely.

Ch 3
Marvellous stuff. Quite a managerie. One might have thought L wld have been the one to watch, but it was Cherub. Mondy's reaction is brilliantly described. Also it is just like nature to produce beauty which immediately starts to butt. The box of chicks reminded me of my grandfather's smallholding in north Lancashire and shed full of yellow fluff balls.

Ch 2
'...entranced by his delicate beauty...' a poetic touch that ... also the fawn is something of a poem, created by nature.

It is sad to think that of all the millions of children in England right now, removed as most of them are from nature, so few will ever have experienced such an intimacy with a wild creature, or have had the chance to appreciate its '...delicate beauty...'

An even sadder thought is this. The educationalists wld be looking to see if a story such as yours ticks all kinds of oter boxes in terms of other messages of one kind or another. The notion of children enjoying a story because of it '...delicate beauty...' wld seem alien to them, alas. Where is the relevance? the philistines wld ask. The fact the ask such questions may well be one reason many of us are losing our feel for nature.

Ch 1
Charming, delightful, enlightening and joyous. Your story is a beautiful one beautifully written. I found myself thinking at the top 'this does not sound like nature, creating something so vulnerable.' But when I learnt the fawn had no scent of its own and that nature's plan was for the mother to play the decoy I smiled. Though having said that it is a high risk game for nature to play. But then only the fawns of the fittest mothers deserve to survive in nature's hard eyes, one supposes. I am sure this story wld be a winner with chilldren, especially. I will read more.

FRECKLES THE FAWN
This is a lovely story and so different from so many novels on here. Quite refreshing! This is beautifully written tale, engaging for younger readers and the descriptions cannot fail to enchant them.
Children are always fascinated by animals and especially African ones. I adore Africa and I was easily able to imagine myself back in the wild.
I have rated this high and I was delighted to read this. Well done and good luck with your writing.
I also have to thank you for your kind comments on my novel.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Dear Valerie, your choice of literature, is such a refreshing change. You write with an innocent passion, that immediately draws the reader to your charming story. My eldest Son, [ Who is ten ], despite the main character being a girl, he was so moved by the moral of your story. It just shows how we can share our differences, regardless of who we are, or what we are. Behind every great book, there's a resolve to reach out to the reader, and if you dig deep enough, beyond the words. You will see that Valerie has achieved this with such aplomb. Good luck and best wishes Valerie. There is a vacuum of virtue, that needs fulfilling and I think we've found that Author, who can achieve that. I am forever grateful for all your kindness, and endlessly enveloped by your words. Take care, until we meet again. Carl. [ Cicuta, Arcane ].

Valerie,

I love non-fiction and children's books. Rarely do I find the two combined. You did a wonderful job. Great story and great writing.

Backed and stared.

Mike Ward -- The Mystical Odyssey of a Redneck from Texas

I was drawn into your opening. I also thought I'd mention that antelope, second to the cheetah, are the fastest land animal on the planet. Not just in a sprint, they can sustain high speeds.

Mom can easily tease anybody and lead them away.

A very compelling beginning.

I do think you need to choose between young adult and children's lit. The younger the audience, the simpler the language.

Which are you leaning towards?

A very touching story, and beautifully written. Happy to back. Eunice/

Beautiful tale that is sort of Bambi revisited and Jungle Book in reverse (ie the animal is looked after by humans until...) Very enjoyable for a girlie audience. Just a nitpick, but I'd expand the epilogue a little, removing the biographical refs. Just have the very moving scene and let that do all the speaking.
Kevin
Arkiotechs

This is a delightful story which deserves many stars. I have no room on my shelf at the moment but will come back for another look. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A delightful story sure to please anyone interested in nature and the world of animals. Backed!
Linda

Hi Valerie

I was absolutely enamoured by this as I knew I would be.
Freckles is such a sweet name for a fawn I loved it.
Your descriptions of things from the fawn's point of view are excellent.
I would love to have a little girl to read this too and I wish you every success in getting this published as it is a pure delight to read.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Very sweet. I enjoyed the descriptions of the young fawn and its behavior. I also liked the way you told part of the story through his perspective, instead of leaving it all to the girl's conjecture.

I love the use of the nature in the opening of the story, which seems to have a metaphorical feel to it. you'll want to work on some technical things, but they are easy fixes. One would be dialogue tagging. Here is a link on that http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14. Hope that helps. I enjoyed the read :)

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Enchanting, tender, and spice and many things nice, well, not the hyenas or starving dogs or leopards, but the warm patches of sunshine and the girl who so loves Freckles the Fawn, Frecksie, and learns a big lesson in life, the letting go.

Best wishes, Valerie Helps.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

This is a lovely children's book, everything flowed nicely and it was well-written. I liked the introduction of the other animals, and their descriptions and reactions to Freckles. Cherub's reaction was amusing as well as the girl telling it not to swear. This read will suit young girls nicely. All the best, Marita.