Spoiled

First off, I am thrilled to see another woman on here writing some nasty, dirty erotica! I liked the plot of your story. But because of some grammatical issues, such as connecting too many statemts with commas when they should be separate sentences, it doesn't flow as well as it should. With erotica, it has to flow nicely because u don't want people getting hung up on the grammar and getting distracted from the heat of the scene. My other big critique would be the overuse of the word pussy. Yes it is a great word and I commend u for using it lots, but u need to throw in something fresh (no pun intended, haha) more often. One reason I don't read romances is because of the cheesy and repetitive wording--e.g. "fleshy sword," "pink rose." So using pussy is a start but how about some other juicy words?

You've been missing 3 years, even longer than I. I love this slutty story and I've read about half. I've been wondering if the secretive man is her husband? Hmm… will I ever find out? Backed.

hi Sara--spoiled--

As a learning process i try to read all types of genres on the site, and admit that this cover of yours
brought me in for a glance.#
i am not here to pick nits, so will not comment on factors like that.
after reading some chapters, and yes, from the first page and on, had to see what was going to happen to satisfy the woman's desires. what can one say, only sex sells and your book will do well in that genre.
especially for the young adults.
interesting that it's written by a women, you have an open mind indeed.
and how true it all seems, knew a hotel manager who used the same tactics, he had a large van, it was called the passion wagon, and got girls it on a regular basis.

tom bye'
from hugs to kisses'
oblilge and glance at mine , although of a completely different genre. thanks

Hi Sara,

Not my usual reading, but why not. You caught me off guard in the first chapter. Wow. Some careful edting is needed but I look forward to coming back and see how things end.

JC

Love this! So hot. I am loving it. I also agree With some of the other reviewers though. I would like to see a little more character motivation here. Why is she seeking these experiences? Overall, I loved it. Can't wait to read more!

Hi Sara. Very interesting read you have there. I like the simple way you have told the story but girl you have to really check the spellings or rather typing errors. They are spoiling the show.

Hi. I'm checking out your book. Care to do the same with mine, 'Heaven don't look' Will really appreciate.

Definitely an interesting read.

Well written and hot as molten lead

Wow, this storyline hits close to home. I really must read more.

Seems we may have similar tastes in reads, love if you would take a skip over to my page. -Alyssa

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Sara

Just read all six chapters in one sitting. The story is engrossing and enjoyable. I want to know more about your character's husband, and their relationship, as well as more about what's driving her to seek our these experiences - hot as they are (I'm fanning myself!). I think this could move up from very good to excellent if you showed us a bit more of her life outside her carnal experiences.

Jasmine

Hi, Sara. Though I enjoyed the reading and I think you write well, I have two problems with this novel:

1. It could do with another round of editing.
2. This seems more like pornography than erotica. As far as I know erotica is a story with loads of sex. This is just loads of sex with no story.

Maybe I just haven't read enough erotica?

Nadia.

Nadia.

The story so far is interesting and has the potential to be developed in a number of ways. "Grooming" via the internet is one possible avenue of development: the role of the husband who conveniently went out to faciltate her tryst at the hotel: her own motivation for her involvement etc.

I agree with Mr Dee, when you develope the story I would also continue.

I've read your first chapter. Typos withstanding it was excellent. I am inclined to read more, maybe even bookshelf your book, but you seem to be inactive. Let me know you are still around and I'll continue.

You've been watchlisted. I'll be back.

Sara. I read all six chapters straight through and really enjoyed it. I think that you've received some pretty harsh comments. Clearly, there are typos and there is some editing to be done, and then, of course, there's the question of 'where does it go from here'? So, yes, work to be done, but I suggest you ignore the personal and, frankly, offensive comments (although I would also suggest avoiding upsetting people wherever possible) and concentrate on pushing this on. Learn from experiences. Good luck. James.

To answer a couple of your points there "2004carlt" ... the photo for my book cover is from a very good friend's avatar, on the site you notice I've linked to. It's a picture of her, with her legs up against a wall, while blindfolded and her head is towards the photographer. I chose the picture, with her permission, because it seemed very apt. Nice to see people are actually looking at the cover art. (though I do think it would be clearer in a bigger format)

Yeah, I know I need to polish it somewhat. After reading a fair bit on here, I have come to realise my "writing for myself" thing, isn't going to cut it, but that even in its unpolished state, people are liking it, is very gratifying.

The clothes thing... yeah, that needs a total re-write, I thought I could slip that past people who were caught up in the story, but it just goes to show that the graphic nature of writing, of leading someone through that, doesn't work unless everything is in place.. and discrepancies like that are going to stand out. It'll be edited soon. Though I'm really, quite strangely, pleased... that people have noticed!!!! It shows the story works, mostly, and when it doesn't, they've cottoned on to the intricacies that don't work... I like that.

Thanks for your feedback : )

Like others have said, needs editing - just make sure your spellchecker is on, and the obvious stuff like "embarressment" will be flagged up. You can get in-line spellcheckers for your browser too.

Otherwise, enjoyable, and yes - there is a market for this stuff, although America is the bigger one. My friend writes erotica of many hues for the USA market.

Your sentences are very staccato which is great for frantic sex scenes, but try to vary your pace a little. I mean you tend to have small, breathless phrases that are split up by commas. Perhaps some more flowing paragraphs to add variety?

How nice to have a woman's steamy sex story told by a woman! Good job so far of pulling me in and wanting to find out just how crazy-perverted this chick is going to get! Definitely, one for the bookshelf...;)

Interesting. Echoes of Emmanuelle. Needs an edit. Is there still a market for erotica ? R

Thanks for the lovely comments. Sorry I didn't reply to these sooner but have been offline for a couple of days.

jmac ...you type really well for a 5 year old ... and you're way past your bedtime ;)

xowie, thanks, I've had a quick look at your first chapter and loved it and I'll certainly be going back to read more (just need to get some more time online!!)

Ben ... will be popping over to see what you've put up soon, thanks for saying it is fantastic. I just write what there is and if it doesn't make me excited, then it doesn't work... and gets scratched. If someone else finds it erotic too, then that's a total bonus for me, thank you.

I still have a lot of editing to do, and to sort out some horrendous spelling mistakes, well, typos, you know. And while I know where I'm going with this story, at the moment I've kind of fell into a trap of being too graphic to early on, without explaining why she is doing this. That'll get sorted out in a little bit, but probably not this weekend as I'm off to a swinger's club tonight for a bit more fun :)

This is fantastic...very brave and very honest. Forces all of us to address the fundamentals of the human condition...also scarily reminiscent of my own life....!

Hi,

Read chapter one and enjoyed it.

The bit that got me was when she says she lost count. That was great!

x

This is ..mm, er, ...mm, naughty, Naughty Sara and you know it, ha ha - I'll have to call you Naughty from now on --what more can I say? Some typos and words together on 1st page. Haven't checked the rest yet. I'm not sure how this will get on - should I be reading this? I'm only 5?
If you want a laugh, sex, pregnancy and birth then you should check mine out.
JR