Forgetful of Strangers

FORGETFUL OF STRANGERS
The pitch and prologue of this interesting book is quite a draw, although it mentioned four young boys and I only counted three - one dead, one old one who supposedly killed, one who called for a shooting. Where is the fourth or is that part of the plot? In any case, it seems unfinished.

The book holds a lot of promise, in that it is dealing with the future of Bo, but also of our narrator — a reclamation of sorts, or renewal of spirit. So the premise and the plot is definitely worthy. The dialogue as the cops arrive and Dub's incompetence is a nice touch and give a real feel for the homespun attitude of its residents. This was very well done.

I do think that it could use some tightening in order to keep readers glued to what is transforming in the two arenas. At times, in the beginning, I just wanted it to move along and not focus so much on Carl. I think it is difficult with tenses when you are present, but talking about the past and then how he feels "now" in the future. Here are some suggestions, which I feel compelled to mention with my background in journalism.

In the beginning of chapter 1, the tenses are mixed and there are some grammar and punctuation problems. Also, in the initial description of the editor, it mentions that as a person he's fine, but he has flaws as an editor, but does not mention what they are. I would complete that description because people will wonder what impact that has on the upcoming story. If it doesn't, perhaps readers don't need such an in-depth description of the editor. Instead of just talking about the problems, examples of their disputes might help. I don't know how a reporter can "not talk" to his editor and still be employed.

Actually as I continue to read, I might start this book with the paragraph: "The day Carl brought Bo to me..." then backtrack into the relationship the narrator has with his editor. I would also use that beginning as a postscript, talking about how the experience changed his life. I think in the beginning, not knowing anything, the readers can't fully understand.

If, indeed, the narrator is a journalist, he would be describing to readers what his relationship is in terms of actual facts, not emotional statements that bring no visuals to readers. Journalists are also often cynics, some of which comes through here, but it is a sentiment that is not often understood by "outsiders." So readers may have a hard time identifying with our narrator.
Again, this is an interesting book and I wouldn't be taking the time if I didn't like it. My best to you. I will star and back when I am able to change my shelf.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

The prologue was an incrediable hook. The story is strong and I could find no nitpicks with your writing. My only suggestion is that it needs dialogue to break up and move the storys pace.
Well done,
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

The pitch of Forgetful of Strangers has a a magnetic pull for me as I'm fascinated by all stories set 'down South'. The plot, pace, style and exposition of its characters are optimum for a novel in this genre. The prose is economical and lean without being terse or monsyllabic and the dialogue brings the virtual South to the page. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Forgetful of Strangers

[R11 & 25]

I like this a lot. The prologue is strong and your dialogue is excellent. I can feel myself in the deep south. Chapter one has an unusual opening, with Mark looking back on the events, but this works well and allows a look at him and his relationship with the boss. I immediately like Mark. The file is forced on him and we get a glimpse of the story. There’s plenty to go at and lots of material to develop a rich and satisfying plot. I like the way the focus is not on the content of the file but on the way it is handed to Mark and why he is the only man for the job.

I’m backing this. And I’d be extremely grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return. Thanks.

You establish an intriguing premise in your pitch and the the chapters do not disappoint. The pace is solid and you have a good (and consistent) voice for the genre'. Best of all is your dialogue, which is crisp, natural, and filled with character-revealing attributions. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

I did not read your prologue and did not feel I needed to. Superb writing, etrac. Clearly some of the best on here. Authentic voice, wonderful story telling and characterization. Absolutely held my interest and I wish I had time to read on. I finally had to stop at the point where Bosephus is held responsible for the death of his friend.

bonalibro
Moonbeam Highway

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Hi -- you've had some great comments and some good advice, too. I'm very happy to back this. A most enjoyable read. Backed with best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

This is a book I would buy - well crafted and doesn't need dragons and vampires to move th eplot - riveting from the start! BACKED with shivers!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Dear etrac,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My interest was caught by “as if the devil knows full well it’s best not to let you see it coming”. You then lurch the reader into a murder by someone asking the lord to save him. An intense situation and a good one. Just be careful to not be too fancy. You have “The moment hangs in the air with the Spanish moss”, and it’s subtle, but this is too much. You want to portray a passing moment, and you can do that simply by describing the moss drifting, or hanging even; you don’t need to mention the “moment” itself. I also felt describing the devil “leaving one dinner plate cold” went too far. These are of course, just my fallible opinions. The tension of the standoff and the cop’s dialog sweep me into the narrative. Between Dub’s incompetence and the boy’s possible multiple personalities, this is an engaging and exciting scene. In the next chapter, I love “my biggest hope is that someday he and I might even been able to speak again”. You set that up well. The breach in Carl Protocol makes this assignment ominous. Man, I wouldn’t want that assignment two months before marriage. This is a mysterious set-up. My natural inclination would be to wonder if another of the two boys did the murder and blamed it on Bo. However, his evil smile at the end of the prelude makes me think otherwise.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed, and best wishes.

Like your pitches, not sure about the prologue, it kind of works for me, just wish there was a bigger hook at the end. Your narrative is good (just wish you’d brought in the dialogue earlier, again that is my personal preference) and the dialogue is very sharp. This is very well written.

Etrac, I've looked at your prologue and first chapter. Good mix of narrative and true-to-life dialogue. I choose not to nitpick anything.

Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Etrac,
If you'd like a title on your cover please let me know...I'd be happy to help. Two wings right? Trying to see why you used them in your pitches...not clear...yet.
Pitches: short is good...long is better!
Text: You might consider separating the prologue and your first chapter into 2 different "authonomy chapters". I'm on the fence about prologues really...sometimes I love them but more often when they are short.
You might find this helpful?

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html

In chapter one...I think you do a very fine job of pulling us into Mark's world as a journalist.
Just enough of his life to get us involved with him professionally and personally.
Although there may be a bit much about Carl and Bo....but that could just be me.
Best of luck to you with this!
-=Bradley

This is well-written, clean, with excellent and realistic dialogue.
I know I'm reading prose when I just read and forget the time.
Backed with enthusiasm!
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Hi etrac, A fascinating premise and a character that drew me in at once with his voice. His interior is revealing of his emotional vulnerability while the dialogue shows the exterior of a journalist. The first chapters made me ready for his being ready to either throw himself into his assignment or to feel knocked out of balance by it. It has me much intrigued. The settings are convincingly, made me feel in the scene, and I felt the whole time that I was seeing things through the eyes of a practiced journalist and that he has a difficult time not seeing life that way. Hard to set this story aside. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I love South Carolina and you have definitely captured the feel of a small southern town. I think your dialogue is brilliant and I honestly couldn't find anything wrong. You dive in to the story pretty quickly and introduce us to a bunch of very interesting characters. I liked it very much from the view of just an average reader.

Good luck with this, it's going to do well on here.
Missy

Your opening brought me some vivid imagery, and the dialogue moves well without being pretentious...just the perfect pace! You are a fine story teller and this is a fine idea for a book. Backed.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Ok, this is going to be on my shelf for a while. Usually I'm not into prologues. But this one really adds and is almost essential, or it could be Chapter 1 if agents/pubs push you on it. I love the idea and the story line is exactly something I would pick up to read. Excellent dialog and lines with the "someone is dying" sequence. So true and gave me a laugh. Overall it's a definite page turner from beginning to end. I really couldn't find anything wrong as far as critism. It moves a long at a fast pace with a voice so natural it is easy to just lose yourself in it. You are very talented and this is the most polished I have read yet here.

It is a pleasure to back Forgetful of Strangers,

Samantha L
Requiem Eternal.

A story that grips the reader but does it with subtlety that sets it apart from the crime-thriller genre. Very innovative narrative technique in the prologue, creating suspense out of what seems to be an open-and-shut case for the police.

After this great beginning, I felt a bit bogged down by the long lump of telling about Carl and Bo. Foreshadowing by outright telling (rather than showing) can be used to great effect—what made me want to read more was exactly the hint that there is a lot more depth to Bo than a dim-witted baseball-bat wielding thug. The only problem is that I found it too long. You risk losing right there the reader browsing in the bookstore (or, for that matter, going through the slush pile). You use more than a thousand words to tell something that should be told in less than a hundred. The rest of it is great.


A.P. Constantin
The Crystal Butterfly Club


P.S. I did find out that “to throw under the bus” does not mean to kill them someone push thenm into the trajectory of a large public-transit vehicle.

According to the dictionary of urban slang: “sacrifice some other person, usually one who is undeserving or at least vulnerable, to make personal gain (“He'd throw his mother under the bus if it'd mean he could beat the rap”)”.
A.P.

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

This is a fascinating story. Your pitch is a great hook, but when we start reading, the immediate action in the prologue grabs our attention even more, straightaway. What happened in the wood? We are already beginning to wonder. The shouts of one of the boys, demanding that the large boy with the baseball bat, who we later know is Bo, should be shot, arouse our suspicions. You approach this subtly, making us question the truth of the boys' reports. Then you introduce Mark, an interesting person, and again there is mystery at once in Mark's words about the year he has spent, and what its effect has been on him. You draw us in with this, and when we begin to learn more about what happened in the wood, you have set up the sort of hook which demands that we go on reading. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

this deserves to be much higher. good comments from cait below.

The younger deputy reminds we of Barney Fife. Was that intentional? Wasn't the Andy Griffith Show from South or North Carolina? Anyway, the last sentence of the prologue is a very good hook. The reader immediately wants to know why the boy's eyes suddenly light up and a smile breaks out on his face? He's got the devil in him that boy. The devil's in him.

The first chapter has the reporter ruminating about whether he'd be unemployed or in the wacky ward if it weren't for his editor. That's interesting. Does he have the devil in him as well? Anyway, Carl talks him into going down and cover the trial of the boy who killed his friend. You end the first chapter with another good hook: "I was fairly certain Carl would have known that too, which made the question of why he didn't all the more mysterious." Yeah, why didn't he? The reader wants to know, so he jumps to the next chapter.

Your description and dialogue keep this moving along at a pretty brisk pace. When I get a little more time, I want to come back and read some more to find out why is the reporter so ideal for covering this story and why did boy start smiling and look happy after realizing he was being arrested for murder? Shelved with pleasure.

etrac
Your opening conjures vivid imagery, I was cringing and squirming...

I loved your dialogue, simple yet compelling and plot shifting.....mmm....a busy loaded chapter one.

I made a couple of notes:-

delete the word 'seems'.....it gives a passive voice to these sentences:-

the quicker it seems to strike ......the quicker it strikes...
Seems like the Buckminster boy just snapped.”...........The Buckminster boy just snapped.
a thing he seems to a downplay with five-dollar haircuts .......a thing he downplays with five-dollar haircuts

Carl Odette and I (had had) in nearly six years.......Carl Odette and I had in nearly six years......or I'd had.....but I try not to write....had had

Thriller writers are under pressure to keep to pace even when filling in backdrop, you certainly do that....

Good ending to chapter one making the reader eager to flip the page.

I enjoyed this..

Shelved.

Forgetful of Strangers:

That is some opening, and your vivid descriptions and dialogue bring the reader close to the scene. Too close. Not a pretty sight seeing one of the other boy’s brains seeping out. Shudder, shudder.

This definitely has lots of potential and with a bit of tightening, will be even better. Merely suggestions, below.

Some words to consider removing.

Totally, literally, nearly (use almost, as you have ‘truly’ blessed (and I don’t think truly is needed), and you repeat ‘nearly’ a para or so down? Others to consider – ultimately, and a few others, below.

Yankees ridiculously bloated… Yankees needs apostrophe. Yahkees’? You have three ly-ending words in this sentence.

….and that’s probably got most of… consider –and that’s, no doubt, got most of, etc…? exactly and remotely in this sentence. – “what exactly do you, etc. - I’d remove ‘exactly’, as another ly word not far below, - between us lately… between us of late? And ‘truly’ on the next line.

Check for other ly words as in some paragraphs you have more than one. Others have three or four.

Corey Aycock and me was cutting through....In this paragraph, you use ‘walking, walk, walking, walking, walk, walk. You don’t need the first walking, and I’d end the sentence at, - and we ran to catch up. No need for what follows? You could say,”Why you going with them? Instead of, “Why you walking with them? And …he was welcome to come with us, instead of, he was welcome to walk with us? Of course, as this is from Trey’s statement, then all of the above can be ignored as this is the way he’d talk?

Very interesting read. And it’s on my shelf for a spin.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

I saw this great book on Jared's shelf.

You seriously need to sort out the font though, it's very hard going on the eyes.

I'm backing you for your obvious potential.

Shelved

Melxx
Impeding Justice

A very effective cover and the short pitch is excellent. In the long pitch, I'd suggest you take a look at 'It is a town' which is followed by 'It is a place' in the next sentence. You've already said, 'Chases Corner is a small town in rural South Carolina' that 'is' again. Start with 'a place populated by good, church going folks,' omitting the second 'it is.' In my view it will be more effective. One 'It is' too many in a pitch where every word counts. Also the sentence beginning, 'Mark Daniels is a Yankee reporter working for the New York Times' is a long sentence. Elsewhere it would not matter at all - in your pitch shorter, snappier sentences work better. Only a personal view. I worked on my pitches constantly.
As for the story, it's exceptional. Fine writing, wonderful phrasing and evocative dialogue, I'm hugely impressed. I've read all you've uploaded to date, begging for more now. Always a good sign! Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy)

I'm with the other comments regarding the font ... very dfficult on the eyes. However I loved the pitch and the dialogue is wonderful. A story with promise.
Backed.
Andrea. Breach of Faith.

etrac,

Forgetful of Strangers - A pageturner. The writing is such that I'd follow the story wherever it leads. And the dialogue conveys a place, South Carolina, which I'm sure will ring right true to the folk there, and evokes an endearing sense of the place, almost invites me to visit, where it not for the ocean to cross.
The font you use makes this a strained read on screen. I see you have 13 171 words up. Put up one more chapter, to be on the save side and not drop under 10 000 words, and then simply update one chapter at a time with a better font (Times Roman works well). It only takes a few minutes.
I support Forgetul of Strangers with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This has all the markings of a winner. The pitch lured me in, I guess having Atticus Finch as one of my all time favorite characters may have helped, I found the premise irresistable.

From paragraph one, you had me...the fast-pacing and characterizations held me by the throat.

Superbl crafted work. Unputdownable. Five chapters isn't enough for me, I'm hooked and wanting more....exactly as I should be.

So, in two comments you have two of the highest Talent spotters on the site concurring....this one deserves to go all the way.
Bravo
Suzannah Burke

This is a brilliant read. Terrific voice, riveting story,
superb atmosphere.

Just a note -
* looser font may be better for reading online.
* typo in pitch - decent instead of descent