Book Jacket

 

rank 2607
word count 35207
date submitted 16.02.2010
date updated 21.02.2010
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
incomplete

Forgetful of Strangers

etrac

Follow the descent of reporter Mark Daniels, as he unwinds the mysteries of Chases Corner, South Carolina, while searching for the truth behind a murder.

 

Chases Corner is a small town in rural South Carolina, reflecting all the better aspects of life in that part of the country. It is a town that runs slightly behind the times, but offers the warmth and welcome of a friendly people; traits still found within a close-knit, Southern community. It is a place populated by good, church going folks watching out for one another, protecting the life they share – and the secret that bonds them together.

Mark Daniels is a Yankee reporter working for the New York Times. Staunch and distant, Daniels is well equipped for the lifestyle of New York City, but when he is assigned to cover a hearing on the possible re-trial of a convicted murderer from Chases Corner, Daniels is tossed into a world in which his skills as a city-boy will do him little good.

As his guarded persona is slowly stripped away, Daniels own long buried secret becomes exposed; a secret that will either bring release and redemption or a reservation at the insane asylum. The good people of Chases Corner will either help him see the light, or see to it that his reservation is confirmed.

 
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Prologue—

 

Bad things happen in an instant. The worse a thing is, the quicker it seems to strike – as if the devil knows full-well it’s best to not let you see it coming. Five-minutes earlier, four teenage boys had made their way into the woods thinking of nothing but getting home and getting fed. But the devil was in one of them, and in an instant he pounced; leaving one dinner forever cold on the plate.

Along a small pathway cutting through the front edge of a local South Carolina woodlands, there is a sudden rash of the color red. Spattered, blotted, and absorbed by the Spanish moss; sprayed and lightly dripping from shiny kudzu leaves; the color radiates outward from a distinctive shape pressed into the foliage. Standing alone over the still body of one of the teenage boys, the biggest of the four dangles a baseball bat from his left hand. Gripped by the handle, the bat isn’t long enough to reach to the ground, and the new color drips from the end of it as well.

“Oh, please Lord,” the big boy cries out in a sobbing voice. “Won’t you please just wipe all this away?”

With tears flowing, he reaches down with his free hand and tries desperately to push back the color gray oozing out of a large crack in the head of the limp figure. Blood covers his hand to the wrist, and as he wipes away tears collecting in his eyes, he is unaware of the effect it has on his appearance.

“God, please!” he shouts, raising the bat to the heavens. “I want to wake up now!”

In his delirium, the big boy doesn’t notice the sound of people running up the path behind him.

“There he is!” one of the original four boys shouts. “I told you he was crazy. He kilt him! He’s kilt him, sure enough!”

Two local deputies jog up the path, guns drawn and keys clanging against ammunition. They freeze at the sight of the larger boy standing with the bat raised, and each assumes the shooter’s position.

“Shoot-im!” the boy shouts. “Shoot-im before he kills someone else.”

The larger boy recognizes the voice and spins around with fire in his eyes. One of the deputies pulls back on the trigger of his pistol.

“Shoot-im, before it’s too late!” the boy screams again.

The moment hangs in the air with the Spanish moss.

“Easy there, Dub,” the older of the two deputies says to his locked-and-loaded partner. “We ain’t-a-gonna shoot nobody just yet.”

The younger deputy slowly eases off the trigger, his hands trembling.

“All right, son,” the older officer says, slowly lowering his weapon to his side. “There’s been enough bad happened here today. Why don’t you put that bat down and lie on your stomach there, so we can see about tending to your friend.”

“God can make this all go away,” the big boy says, his voice tapering as he lowers the bat. “If you give Him just a minute, He can make it all go away.”

“Ain’t nobody wanting to get in the way of God here, son. But I think He’d prefer if it you’d lie down on the ground so we can see to your friend.”

The large boy drops the bat from his hand, but he is determined to press his request to give God a little more time. “I tell you, the Lord can do some mighty powerful things,” he says, starting towards the deputies.

In a panic, the younger deputy fumbles with his gun and drops it from his sweating hands. It goes off with a powerful bang.

“Jesus, Dub! What the hell you trying to do over there?” the older deputy shouts.

The gunshot stops the big boy in his tracks, while the younger deputy quickly falls to his knees to fish for his revolver amongst the Kudzu.

“Leave it!” the older deputy commands. “Just get your handcuffs out.”

As Dub fumbles with the handcuffs hanging from the back of his belt, his more experienced partner turns his attention back to the large boy.

“You see there? Unless you want my partner to find some way to kill himself, we gotta put an end to this.”

“Yes, sir,” the large boy says, lowering his chin to his chest.

“That’s real good. Now, how about we start with you turning around and lying down on your belly for me like I asked?”

The large boy nods, then drops to his knees and flops on his stomach. He hits the ground with a thud.

“What ya doing?” the smaller boy shouts. “He’s a killer. You gotta shoot-im!”

“Shut-up, boy!” the older deputy snaps. “Get on back down that path and wait there with your friend.”

After a pause, the boy shuffles backward down the pathway. “My daddy’s not gonna like this,” he says.

“We’ll all have us a chat with your daddy soon enough. Now git!”

The boy takes off running, as the younger deputy struggles to get the handcuffs around the bigger boy’s wrists.

“For Pete’s sake, Dub, can’t you do nothing right?” the older deputy says, holstering his gun and bending down to help his partner. He notices something as he come in closer. “My God … did you wet your britches?”

Dub looks down with shame while his partner finally clicks the handcuffs onto the boy.  “Come here,” he says, pulling Dub back down the path a few steps. “You better rub some dirt on that spot or something. I will not be embarrassed by such a thing, and I’m telling you right now—”

As the older deputy applies a stern lecture to his partner, the larger boy raises his head out of the Kudzu and looks back in the direction of the body. “I’m so sorry, Marcus. There weren’t nothing I could do,” he whispers.

On the brink of full tears, suddenly his eyes light up, and a happy, satisfied smile breaks out across his face.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter One—

 

Of all the people to work for in the newspaper business, Carl Odette is one of the very best. As an editor, he may lack a few of the characteristics assumed essential for the job; but as a human being there is none finer. As it turned out, this was a very good thing for me. If he was even one scintilla less than the man he is, these days I would not only be unemployed, but very likely locked away in a mental ward somewhere. Another flame-out quietly added to the list of synonyms for unfulfilled potential. For being the single most tolerant and understanding person I have ever come across, Carl will forever have my personal loyalty and sincere gratitude. My biggest hope is that someday he and I might even be able to speak again.

When Carl first took over the national news desk at The New York Times, most of us grunts cranking out copy saw it as a chance to finally be out from under the thumb of a tyrant. Carl’s predecessor had been a desk-thumping, vein-popping, shout-at-you kind of a guy; which was the main reason that when Carl became our editor, every single one of us prima donnas in the national newsroom was determined to do whatever it took to make him successful. I think we all wanted desperately to prove that yelling wasn’t the only way to get good copy in on time. And while in the beginning we kept ourselves in line, it could never have lasted if Carl hadn't earned our respect and admiration.

I may have flip-flopped a couple of times over how I felt about Carl, but deep-down I know he’s a good man all the way to the core. And though I’m fairly certain he would not be so kind in his words about me, I’ll never let anything cause me to question the character of my former boss again. We did hundreds of stories together over the years, very few with any measurable degree of conflict between us. But sadly, I let the last one wreck our relationship altogether. I allowed conflict to devolve into outright warfare between us, and in the end I must accept that our friendship was the biggest casualty – and that it was my fault. It wasn’t the only bad-ending I brought down on myself with that story, but in many ways it had the most impact.

It was just about this same time one year ago that Carl first introduced me to the folder on the proposed re-trial of a convicted murderer – some sixteen years after the crime – and from the very start my world was slightly off kilter. Over the past year, I have been convinced that my involvement in what was to become a three-part series entitled “Hate and Racism are Alive and Well in the New South,” was an assignment I would forever curse Carl for laying at my feet. There were a lot of good things that flowed from my work on the “Hate” story, such as sharing a Pulitzer Prize; which by itself should have been the ultimate highpoint in my life as a newspaperman. That it wasn't even close is the best evidence to show how drastically I have changed; how totally upside-down my short list of priorities has become. There is literally not one single value-judgment I could make today that would match the answer I would have given before doing that story – which is something I now believe may just be one of those good things.

It's taken a while for me to come to that conclusion, as the better part of the past year ground by before I was able to allow myself to even think about the whole affair again. And while for me, it was by far the worst year ever, now that it's all behind me I'm glad to have gone through it. I understand now that all the questioning, soul searching, and nearly manic bouts of depression I suffered through as a result of that original story were for a purpose. I have been truly blessed. Not by the members of the Pulitzer committee, but by the simple act of getting to know an even simpler man – a man that will one-day whisper the quiet words of an angel.

During the very intense two weeks we spent together last spring, I became one of the world’s leading authorities on Bosephus Buckminster of Chases Corner, South Carolina. From his highest hopes, his deepest fears, to all the stories behind the enigma that is Bo, I believe I have come to know him as well as anyone can – and that's the real blessing I'm talking about. It’s the one thing that makes all the emotional garbage I've had to wallow through since then worth something.

In the process of coming to that fresh outlook on things, after an absence of nearly a year, the writer in me is back at his craft. The new Mark Daniels has another story to tell about his time in Chases Corner, South Carolina. And while ultimately I have Bo to thank for that, it is to Carl Odette that credit must be given for getting us together in the first place. For some reason, Carl fixed on me to do the story and wouldn’t let go.

The day Carl first brought Bo my way, it was a rainy Sunday afternoon, and I was in the office just killing time while my fiancée spent the day with her parents. Carl came in shortly after I did, and although he waved across the newsroom, he went straight into his office without so much as a hello. Later, as I was sitting at my desk listening to a tape of a disgruntled lobbyist named Hodges throwing his former benefactors under the bus, over my right shoulder came a thick, tattered manila folder. It was wrapped with rubber bands at the top and bottom and there was enough material crammed into it for the file to bounce the other items on my desk when it hit.

Turning in my chair, I asked, “Did you just drop that on my desk, Carl?” There was no one else around, but the question was asked out of a sense of incredulity rather than a need to know.

“I did,” Carl said in a matter-of-fact fashion. “It’s a story I need you to cover, and it’s not something I want to debate.”

That was not the way Carl passed out stories. His normal method was to send an email asking politely if you could stop by his office, followed by a mandatory chit-chat about things at home or the Yankees ridiculously bloated payroll. Eventually, Carl would gently slide a folder across his desk and say something like, “Tell me what you think about this one.”

It may have something to do with his football-player frame or his near movie-star good looks - a thing he seems to downplay with five-dollar haircuts and a Walmart wardrobe - but Carl is one of the few people I’ve met who possesses enough quiet confidence to give anyone speaking the upper hand in a conversation. When he handed you a story, he always gave you plenty of time to peruse the material, and sat patiently while you read. If you asked a question too soon, he’d say something to the effect of, “Go ahead and finish looking over the whole thing, and then we'll talk.” Then he’d lean back in his chair, waiting like an umpire between innings, until he was sure you were done. At that point he’d sit up straight and throw out a handful of open-ended questions, like “Tell me what’s going through your head.” He was brilliant that way.

That’s why the day Carl assigned me to Bo’s story, I was more than just a little taken aback by how he did it. No small talk; no sagacious guidance – just a big fat folder tossed over my shoulder, followed by an un-Carl like pronouncement.

“Mark, I know you’re getting married in two months and that’s probably got most of your attention right now,” he said with an out-of-place determination written across his brow. “But this one has to be you.”

With a closer look, the puffy bags under Carl’s eyes hinted that the decision was harder on him than it should have been. “Can I ask why?”

“No. I can’t get into that right now.” 

I considered a stiffer resistance, but was knocked so far off-track by his demeanor that I couldn’t get the words out. The one thing Carl had gotten right was that I had other things on my mind. Getting married had been keeping me preoccupied for some time, and with the day fast approaching cold feet were getting most of my attention.

“Carl, do you expect me to cover these proceedings in person?” I asked.

“Yes. You’ll have to be there.”

“Boss, there’s no way I can just pack up and head off to chuck-a-luck, South Carolina,” I said, anxiety ratcheting up the frustration in my voice. “Damn it, Carl, when Karen hears that I’m going a thousand miles away ...”

“I know. She’s going to be pissed. But, Mark, I swear to you, if you do this one right, I’ll nominate you for the Pulitzer myself.”

I’d seen a couple of the original story summaries coming over the wire, and there wasn’t a shred of evidence to suggest the file in front of me was good enough to win an award.

“What exactly do you see in this thing that makes you think a Pulitzer is even remotely possible?”

“I can’t put my finger on it. You’ll have to trust my instincts on this one. There’s something there. Something big.”

I rubbed my forehead between two fingers. By the way he was hanging around, it looked like Carl meant to have an answer right away and saying no didn’t seem to be a possibility. “Even if I say yes, it’ll have to be a tentative answer. I have to talk this over with Karen.”

“I understand.”

“No. I don’t think you do. Things have been rocky enough between us lately.”

What followed were the first truly uncomfortable moments Carl Odette and I had had in nearly six years of working together. After a couple of minutes of looking down at his shoes, Carl just turned around and headed back in the direction of his office.

As he settled into his seat behind his desk, I could see him through the glass partition. He was just staring straight ahead. It was like he’d fallen into a trance, and I remember feeling worried for him.

I sat alone with the file for a while, struggling without precedent to know what the next step is after Carl forces a story on you. The first of the clippings inside was a small Times story. The headline read: “Retarded Black Athlete Killed in Scuffle.”

The article reported on the death of one Marcus Brown of Pixley, South Carolina, killed by multiple blows to the head with a baseball bat. The incident had taken place following a practice session for a Dixie Youth Baseball team, when a fight reportedly broke out between teammates. I suppose that’s how the story made it into The Times in the first place. A fight among teammates has a slightly different angle to it, especially when one of them winds up dead. Still, it must have been a slow news day to make it all the way north and into The Times.

The local paper had a few more details. Three boys were being interviewed regarding the incident. One, the son of a local politician, was a pitcher; the second was the team’s catcher; and the third boy a reserve outfielder. Their stories differed widely as to exactly what had happened, and the local police captain confessed to the reporter that “one of the boys is a little slow in the head, and it’s hard to match up what he thinks he saw with the others.” The third boy, I would come to learn, was Bosephus Buckminster; but the paper hadn’t reported the names of any of those involved yet. The sheriff would only say that his officers would get to the bottom of things in a day or two, and that he fully expected charges would be filed against one or more of the boys.

 

Three days later, charges were filed. The local headline read: “Buckminster Boy Charged with Killing Friend.” The story claimed the motive for the killing was simple jealousy. The sheriff spelled it out in a short quote:

“We don’t think the boy meant to kill his friend, Marcus. He was the one who talked Marcus into joining the team in the first place. Seems like the Buckminster boy just snapped.”

The official statements taken from the other two boys told their side of the story.

 

Official Statement of Trey Hunter:

On Thursday, September the thirteenth, Corey Aycock and me was cutting through the woods after practice on our way home. We saw Marcus Brown walking ahead of us, and we ran to catch up to him so we could all walk together. We was walking along like that when all of a sudden Bo Buckminster come running up on us, hollering and cussing at Marcus. He was saying things like, “Why you walking with them? Ain’t I good enough for you no more?” Marcus told him he was welcome to walk with us. That we was teammates and we could all walk together. That’s when Bo called him a cuss word and hit him hard on the back of his head with his baseball bat. Marcus fell to his knees and Bo hit him another lick. That’s when me and Corey took off back out of them woods to get some help. A couple of deputies was hanging out by the ball field when we left, so we went on back to fetch ’em. When we got back, old Bo had killed that black boy dead as nails. He was just standing over him with that bat in his hand, looking crazy enough to do it again.

 

Trey Hunter was the politician’s son. The statement from Corey Aycock matched Trey’s almost to the word, with the exception that Corey did not mention Bo using the cuss-word before hitting Marcus. The odd part of the official record was that no statement was recorded for Bo’s version of the story. The sheriff himself had admitted there were discrepancies between the three boys as to what happened, yet the official record had just the one version, told by two separate witnesses.

I made an entry in my notebook about finding what the other story was, official or otherwise. It was the first of many notes I made that day, and it was just about all that was needed to hook me. Had Carl just let me read the file first, I’m sure I would have jumped at the chance to get off the Hodges story and move on to one that actually required notes. I was fairly certain Carl would have known that too, which made the question of why he didn’t all the more mysterious.

 

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Lenore wrote 497 days ago

FORGETFUL OF STRANGERS
The pitch and prologue of this interesting book is quite a draw, although it mentioned four young boys and I only counted three - one dead, one old one who supposedly killed, one who called for a shooting. Where is the fourth or is that part of the plot? In any case, it seems unfinished.

The book holds a lot of promise, in that it is dealing with the future of Bo, but also of our narrator — a reclamation of sorts, or renewal of spirit. So the premise and the plot is definitely worthy. The dialogue as the cops arrive and Dub's incompetence is a nice touch and give a real feel for the homespun attitude of its residents. This was very well done.

I do think that it could use some tightening in order to keep readers glued to what is transforming in the two arenas. At times, in the beginning, I just wanted it to move along and not focus so much on Carl. I think it is difficult with tenses when you are present, but talking about the past and then how he feels "now" in the future. Here are some suggestions, which I feel compelled to mention with my background in journalism.

In the beginning of chapter 1, the tenses are mixed and there are some grammar and punctuation problems. Also, in the initial description of the editor, it mentions that as a person he's fine, but he has flaws as an editor, but does not mention what they are. I would complete that description because people will wonder what impact that has on the upcoming story. If it doesn't, perhaps readers don't need such an in-depth description of the editor. Instead of just talking about the problems, examples of their disputes might help. I don't know how a reporter can "not talk" to his editor and still be employed.

Actually as I continue to read, I might start this book with the paragraph: "The day Carl brought Bo to me..." then backtrack into the relationship the narrator has with his editor. I would also use that beginning as a postscript, talking about how the experience changed his life. I think in the beginning, not knowing anything, the readers can't fully understand.

If, indeed, the narrator is a journalist, he would be describing to readers what his relationship is in terms of actual facts, not emotional statements that bring no visuals to readers. Journalists are also often cynics, some of which comes through here, but it is a sentiment that is not often understood by "outsiders." So readers may have a hard time identifying with our narrator.
Again, this is an interesting book and I wouldn't be taking the time if I didn't like it. My best to you. I will star and back when I am able to change my shelf.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

beegirl wrote 749 days ago

The prologue was an incrediable hook. The story is strong and I could find no nitpicks with your writing. My only suggestion is that it needs dialogue to break up and move the storys pace.
Well done,
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Bocri wrote 751 days ago

The pitch of Forgetful of Strangers has a a magnetic pull for me as I'm fascinated by all stories set 'down South'. The plot, pace, style and exposition of its characters are optimum for a novel in this genre. The prose is economical and lean without being terse or monsyllabic and the dialogue brings the virtual South to the page. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

toussaint wrote 758 days ago

Forgetful of Strangers

[R11 & 25]

I like this a lot. The prologue is strong and your dialogue is excellent. I can feel myself in the deep south. Chapter one has an unusual opening, with Mark looking back on the events, but this works well and allows a look at him and his relationship with the boss. I immediately like Mark. The file is forced on him and we get a glimpse of the story. There’s plenty to go at and lots of material to develop a rich and satisfying plot. I like the way the focus is not on the content of the file but on the way it is handed to Mark and why he is the only man for the job.

I’m backing this. And I’d be extremely grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return. Thanks.

RichardBard wrote 762 days ago

You establish an intriguing premise in your pitch and the the chapters do not disappoint. The pace is solid and you have a good (and consistent) voice for the genre'. Best of all is your dialogue, which is crisp, natural, and filled with character-revealing attributions. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

bonalibro wrote 764 days ago

I did not read your prologue and did not feel I needed to. Superb writing, etrac. Clearly some of the best on here. Authentic voice, wonderful story telling and characterization. Absolutely held my interest and I wish I had time to read on. I finally had to stop at the point where Bosephus is held responsible for the death of his friend.

bonalibro
Moonbeam Highway

Francesco wrote 791 days ago

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Barry Wenlock wrote 792 days ago

Hi -- you've had some great comments and some good advice, too. I'm very happy to back this. A most enjoyable read. Backed with best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

lizjrnm wrote 797 days ago

This is a book I would buy - well crafted and doesn't need dragons and vampires to move th eplot - riveting from the start! BACKED with shivers!

Liz
The Cheech Room

AlanMarling wrote 805 days ago

Dear etrac,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My interest was caught by “as if the devil knows full well it’s best not to let you see it coming”. You then lurch the reader into a murder by someone asking the lord to save him. An intense situation and a good one. Just be careful to not be too fancy. You have “The moment hangs in the air with the Spanish moss”, and it’s subtle, but this is too much. You want to portray a passing moment, and you can do that simply by describing the moss drifting, or hanging even; you don’t need to mention the “moment” itself. I also felt describing the devil “leaving one dinner plate cold” went too far. These are of course, just my fallible opinions. The tension of the standoff and the cop’s dialog sweep me into the narrative. Between Dub’s incompetence and the boy’s possible multiple personalities, this is an engaging and exciting scene. In the next chapter, I love “my biggest hope is that someday he and I might even been able to speak again”. You set that up well. The breach in Carl Protocol makes this assignment ominous. Man, I wouldn’t want that assignment two months before marriage. This is a mysterious set-up. My natural inclination would be to wonder if another of the two boys did the murder and blamed it on Bo. However, his evil smile at the end of the prelude makes me think otherwise.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed, and best wishes.

Famlavan wrote 805 days ago

Like your pitches, not sure about the prologue, it kind of works for me, just wish there was a bigger hook at the end. Your narrative is good (just wish you’d brought in the dialogue earlier, again that is my personal preference) and the dialogue is very sharp. This is very well written.

lionel25 wrote 810 days ago

Etrac, I've looked at your prologue and first chapter. Good mix of narrative and true-to-life dialogue. I choose not to nitpick anything.

Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Bradley Wind wrote 814 days ago

Etrac,
If you'd like a title on your cover please let me know...I'd be happy to help. Two wings right? Trying to see why you used them in your pitches...not clear...yet.
Pitches: short is good...long is better!
Text: You might consider separating the prologue and your first chapter into 2 different "authonomy chapters". I'm on the fence about prologues really...sometimes I love them but more often when they are short.
You might find this helpful?

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html

In chapter one...I think you do a very fine job of pulling us into Mark's world as a journalist.
Just enough of his life to get us involved with him professionally and personally.
Although there may be a bit much about Carl and Bo....but that could just be me.
Best of luck to you with this!
-=Bradley

ellen911 wrote 815 days ago

This is well-written, clean, with excellent and realistic dialogue.
I know I'm reading prose when I just read and forget the time.
Backed with enthusiasm!
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

klouholmes wrote 817 days ago

Hi etrac, A fascinating premise and a character that drew me in at once with his voice. His interior is revealing of his emotional vulnerability while the dialogue shows the exterior of a journalist. The first chapters made me ready for his being ready to either throw himself into his assignment or to feel knocked out of balance by it. It has me much intrigued. The settings are convincingly, made me feel in the scene, and I felt the whole time that I was seeing things through the eyes of a practiced journalist and that he has a difficult time not seeing life that way. Hard to set this story aside. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

missyfleming_22 wrote 819 days ago

I love South Carolina and you have definitely captured the feel of a small southern town. I think your dialogue is brilliant and I honestly couldn't find anything wrong. You dive in to the story pretty quickly and introduce us to a bunch of very interesting characters. I liked it very much from the view of just an average reader.

Good luck with this, it's going to do well on here.
Missy

TheLoriC wrote 821 days ago

Your opening brought me some vivid imagery, and the dialogue moves well without being pretentious...just the perfect pace! You are a fine story teller and this is a fine idea for a book. Backed.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Samantha LeBrun wrote 821 days ago

Ok, this is going to be on my shelf for a while. Usually I'm not into prologues. But this one really adds and is almost essential, or it could be Chapter 1 if agents/pubs push you on it. I love the idea and the story line is exactly something I would pick up to read. Excellent dialog and lines with the "someone is dying" sequence. So true and gave me a laugh. Overall it's a definite page turner from beginning to end. I really couldn't find anything wrong as far as critism. It moves a long at a fast pace with a voice so natural it is easy to just lose yourself in it. You are very talented and this is the most polished I have read yet here.

It is a pleasure to back Forgetful of Strangers,

Samantha L
Requiem Eternal.

A.P. Constantin wrote 821 days ago

A story that grips the reader but does it with subtlety that sets it apart from the crime-thriller genre. Very innovative narrative technique in the prologue, creating suspense out of what seems to be an open-and-shut case for the police.

After this great beginning, I felt a bit bogged down by the long lump of telling about Carl and Bo. Foreshadowing by outright telling (rather than showing) can be used to great effect—what made me want to read more was exactly the hint that there is a lot more depth to Bo than a dim-witted baseball-bat wielding thug. The only problem is that I found it too long. You risk losing right there the reader browsing in the bookstore (or, for that matter, going through the slush pile). You use more than a thousand words to tell something that should be told in less than a hundred. The rest of it is great.


A.P. Constantin
The Crystal Butterfly Club


P.S. I did find out that “to throw under the bus” does not mean to kill them someone push thenm into the trajectory of a large public-transit vehicle.

According to the dictionary of urban slang: “sacrifice some other person, usually one who is undeserving or at least vulnerable, to make personal gain (“He'd throw his mother under the bus if it'd mean he could beat the rap”)”.
A.P.

Jesse Hargreave wrote 822 days ago

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

gillyflower wrote 823 days ago

This is a fascinating story. Your pitch is a great hook, but when we start reading, the immediate action in the prologue grabs our attention even more, straightaway. What happened in the wood? We are already beginning to wonder. The shouts of one of the boys, demanding that the large boy with the baseball bat, who we later know is Bo, should be shot, arouse our suspicions. You approach this subtly, making us question the truth of the boys' reports. Then you introduce Mark, an interesting person, and again there is mystery at once in Mark's words about the year he has spent, and what its effect has been on him. You draw us in with this, and when we begin to learn more about what happened in the wood, you have set up the sort of hook which demands that we go on reading. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Jon Doe wrote 823 days ago

this deserves to be much higher. good comments from cait below.

KW wrote 823 days ago

The younger deputy reminds we of Barney Fife. Was that intentional? Wasn't the Andy Griffith Show from South or North Carolina? Anyway, the last sentence of the prologue is a very good hook. The reader immediately wants to know why the boy's eyes suddenly light up and a smile breaks out on his face? He's got the devil in him that boy. The devil's in him.

The first chapter has the reporter ruminating about whether he'd be unemployed or in the wacky ward if it weren't for his editor. That's interesting. Does he have the devil in him as well? Anyway, Carl talks him into going down and cover the trial of the boy who killed his friend. You end the first chapter with another good hook: "I was fairly certain Carl would have known that too, which made the question of why he didn't all the more mysterious." Yeah, why didn't he? The reader wants to know, so he jumps to the next chapter.

Your description and dialogue keep this moving along at a pretty brisk pace. When I get a little more time, I want to come back and read some more to find out why is the reporter so ideal for covering this story and why did boy start smiling and look happy after realizing he was being arrested for murder? Shelved with pleasure.

paxie wrote 824 days ago

etrac
Your opening conjures vivid imagery, I was cringing and squirming...

I loved your dialogue, simple yet compelling and plot shifting.....mmm....a busy loaded chapter one.

I made a couple of notes:-

delete the word 'seems'.....it gives a passive voice to these sentences:-

the quicker it seems to strike ......the quicker it strikes...
Seems like the Buckminster boy just snapped.”...........The Buckminster boy just snapped.
a thing he seems to a downplay with five-dollar haircuts .......a thing he downplays with five-dollar haircuts

Carl Odette and I (had had) in nearly six years.......Carl Odette and I had in nearly six years......or I'd had.....but I try not to write....had had

Thriller writers are under pressure to keep to pace even when filling in backdrop, you certainly do that....

Good ending to chapter one making the reader eager to flip the page.

I enjoyed this..

Shelved.

Cait wrote 825 days ago

Forgetful of Strangers:

That is some opening, and your vivid descriptions and dialogue bring the reader close to the scene. Too close. Not a pretty sight seeing one of the other boy’s brains seeping out. Shudder, shudder.

This definitely has lots of potential and with a bit of tightening, will be even better. Merely suggestions, below.

Some words to consider removing.

Totally, literally, nearly (use almost, as you have ‘truly’ blessed (and I don’t think truly is needed), and you repeat ‘nearly’ a para or so down? Others to consider – ultimately, and a few others, below.

Yankees ridiculously bloated… Yankees needs apostrophe. Yahkees’? You have three ly-ending words in this sentence.

….and that’s probably got most of… consider –and that’s, no doubt, got most of, etc…? exactly and remotely in this sentence. – “what exactly do you, etc. - I’d remove ‘exactly’, as another ly word not far below, - between us lately… between us of late? And ‘truly’ on the next line.

Check for other ly words as in some paragraphs you have more than one. Others have three or four.

Corey Aycock and me was cutting through....In this paragraph, you use ‘walking, walk, walking, walking, walk, walk. You don’t need the first walking, and I’d end the sentence at, - and we ran to catch up. No need for what follows? You could say,”Why you going with them? Instead of, “Why you walking with them? And …he was welcome to come with us, instead of, he was welcome to walk with us? Of course, as this is from Trey’s statement, then all of the above can be ignored as this is the way he’d talk?

Very interesting read. And it’s on my shelf for a spin.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Melcom wrote 826 days ago

I saw this great book on Jared's shelf.

You seriously need to sort out the font though, it's very hard going on the eyes.

I'm backing you for your obvious potential.

Shelved

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Jared wrote 826 days ago

A very effective cover and the short pitch is excellent. In the long pitch, I'd suggest you take a look at 'It is a town' which is followed by 'It is a place' in the next sentence. You've already said, 'Chases Corner is a small town in rural South Carolina' that 'is' again. Start with 'a place populated by good, church going folks,' omitting the second 'it is.' In my view it will be more effective. One 'It is' too many in a pitch where every word counts. Also the sentence beginning, 'Mark Daniels is a Yankee reporter working for the New York Times' is a long sentence. Elsewhere it would not matter at all - in your pitch shorter, snappier sentences work better. Only a personal view. I worked on my pitches constantly.
As for the story, it's exceptional. Fine writing, wonderful phrasing and evocative dialogue, I'm hugely impressed. I've read all you've uploaded to date, begging for more now. Always a good sign! Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy)

Andee Hughes wrote 826 days ago

I'm with the other comments regarding the font ... very dfficult on the eyes. However I loved the pitch and the dialogue is wonderful. A story with promise.
Backed.
Andrea. Breach of Faith.

Pia wrote 826 days ago

etrac,

Forgetful of Strangers - A pageturner. The writing is such that I'd follow the story wherever it leads. And the dialogue conveys a place, South Carolina, which I'm sure will ring right true to the folk there, and evokes an endearing sense of the place, almost invites me to visit, where it not for the ocean to cross.
The font you use makes this a strained read on screen. I see you have 13 171 words up. Put up one more chapter, to be on the save side and not drop under 10 000 words, and then simply update one chapter at a time with a better font (Times Roman works well). It only takes a few minutes.
I support Forgetul of Strangers with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Suzannah Burke wrote 826 days ago

This has all the markings of a winner. The pitch lured me in, I guess having Atticus Finch as one of my all time favorite characters may have helped, I found the premise irresistable.

From paragraph one, you had me...the fast-pacing and characterizations held me by the throat.

Superbl crafted work. Unputdownable. Five chapters isn't enough for me, I'm hooked and wanting more....exactly as I should be.

So, in two comments you have two of the highest Talent spotters on the site concurring....this one deserves to go all the way.
Bravo
Suzannah Burke

AlleJo wrote 826 days ago

This is a brilliant read. Terrific voice, riveting story,
superb atmosphere.

Just a note -
* looser font may be better for reading online.
* typo in pitch - decent instead of descent

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