A pizza guy delivers to a strip club only to be seduced and devoured by a transient dancer.
Holden Caulfield as raised by Tyler Durden. And then he gets eaten.
to rate this book please Register or Login
akron, cleveland, cold, comedy, funny, horror, midwest, ohio, pizza, satire, strippers, winter
on 0 bookshelves
on 1 watchlists
32 comments
To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login
So I backed this on the strength of one of your forum posts, then your pitch sucked me in to read. I didn't hate the prologue, in fact I liked it enough to start on chapter one.I know you say this is draft, so I'm not going to comment on nit picky things, but, I do like the style of writing a lot, and the voice is great.I'm happy I backed it.Lorri
Wow, what a blend of humor, horror and literary...ness. I like it a lot. Aside from a few grammar mistakes ("it's" instead of "its"), this has the makings of a truly suspenseful and entertaining read.
...And your tune on match of the day, recommended to all when reading Succubus, is:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QehUrT864Hg Keep it up :)
This is one of those great books that would turn into a cult classic. Your concept is awesome, such a unique idea, love it! I like the main character, he's very observant of the people he comes across, and being a pizza delivery guy he seems some interesting people! You also interlace this with a great sense of humor! Mixing that lightness with the horror is always a favorite of mine!My only nits would be to work on labeling your dialogue. The dialogue itself was great, felt natural, like how people actually talk. But I got confused at who was talking sometimes. For now that's the only thing that didn't work for me. I liked your style, it's different and pretty refreshing to be honest. It doesn't have to be grammatically perfect, it just has to flow and fit the story. But that's just my opinon, probably not a popular one!Best of luck with this, you're off to a promising start!!Missy
Great voice, great style. Dark and witty. Backed with pleasure. like a ghost yelling its name--superb line.
Blackly humorous, appropriately icky, lightly written. An entertainingly sick book.J.S.WattsA DARKER MOON
Chapter three -The line: I feign disappointment on my face (drop on my face…not needed overwriting)-And after and I say, put in some quotes until you get to. It’s a statement… I feign disappointment and say, “So, heaven is a gated community and I don’t even get a peek inside.” It’s a statement, but there is a question in there somewhere. -line I wonder if she heard me over the music… (the that that needs to go) rewrite it is clunky: I wonder if she heard me over the music, or did she know I was speaking because she saw my lips moving. -the part about how ‘horrible’ women are is a turn off for me…it seems out of place. Where is all this animosity coming from—has he had something gone awry before, you might want to explore this. It is a bit harsh…and goes on too long.Tits to kill for and an ass that demands… adjust…Tits to kill for and an ass demanding my attention…Like this chapter, I’ve noted the religious flare you’ve added. It doesn’t bother me, but there are two mentions in this chapter and it isn’t a long chapter. Is this part of your MC or is it part of the author coming through. We don’t know much about the narrator…he lives at home with his mom and he is a pizza delivery guy. You should have him reflect on himself… he is shocked the stripper asks him to stay, but why? Is he ugly? Is he fat? Is he…you get my drift…give the reader more hints. And tell us if he has a religious background somewhere there…any background would be good. Chapter fourInteresting start to the chapter…not too sure why we got heady when we haven’t been yet. You slip to past tense…second line…I would put the first line as this: What we call living is a joke and the game we call survival is totally irrelevant. We came up with new games. (huh? I don’t understand this)It’s a great game… (change this line to I and not you) It’s a great game, I can’t lose, and I can’t win, but damn it’s fun. TV was invented before microwave, second paragraph makes it seem the other way. Change sentence to: When television was invented thinking started to decline…Our poor live like kings? – interesting though, but I think the poor would disagree. I get what you are saying…The part about the mother and him living poor is good…it glimpses into a character. I would like more of that. I think you should remove our poor live like kings…and change it to say something about how skewed people view things...or how the poor people sacrifice the wrong things. Sunday is a day I like not to work. –awkward. I like not to work on Sundays. -that that that that that that that-Para starting Football…this really makes your MC seem like a dick. Up until this point you haven’t given us a reason to like or dislike him. I like him, he has a good voice, but you drop a few lines that make him seem like an asshole…here’s the thing. He’s going to be EATEN, we should probably sympathize with that right? And I am unsure how much this has to contribute to the story, in the sense that I wonder how this is furthering the plot…lots of narrative in this chapter…dialogue would be nice…Why does he watch sports with his grandfather? Add something personal here that allows a snippet of this kid…Before I know it…(oh wow, this sentence is awkward)…Hmmmm fix it by reworking…suggestion: Two hours ago I woke up and have been lying in bed, daydreaming the morning and most of the afternoon away. On one hand you know it smells. ----adjust this…On one hand, I know I smell, but on the other it’s my smell, so who cares??? Sorta thing…I can stay here and be comforted by my stink and the blankets—my blankets that have my personal…I liked this chapter, but there didn’t seem to be a point to it. No dialogue. No moving the story forward. Opening up the character a bit, but not really. Pointless is the only word which comes to my mind. I wanted to know more about this stripper, what happened…ya know.Chapter 5And still not picking it up with the stripper??? What the fuck! Aw, girl problems? (This is casey speaking, but yet, no tag, no facial expression-you have to let us know who is talking…Fifth chapter in and I find out he has a sister…does she have a name…probably information reader should know sooner. What’s with this chapter…like the one before it, I understand we are getting to know the character, but that’s it…what does this have to do with the plot, how is this driving the story forward, and more importantly did he fuck the stripper…I want to know what happened with the stripper…Chapter 6How olds this neighbor he ‘could’ be friends with…actually, how old is this MC – he could be anywhere from 18-30 at this point. Peace of parchment – piece of parchment.Code of Labowski—awesome“I like to see that smile, man” hmmm is eric gay, this line makes him sound like a homosexual. I would go more for “Shit is that a smile?” Or something along those lines…And infant by many thought processes…and she is a decade older…hmmmm….so he’s what nineteen? I don’t like guessing this shit. Establish his age sooner…You touch on some of his regret, and explanation for a girl here…in the previous TWO chapters you should have him thinking about her at least, to further the story…or else the last two chapters could be cut completely and still the reader wouldn’t miss anything ‘important’…the writing is great and it is nice to dip into the mind of this character, BUT…big fucking but…you’ve been motoring along with the story, dialogue and shit and then schreech to a halt and cease delivering the story…and dip into narrative about his life, his football watching, his dazed walking about…his friend casey, a pregnant woman…see what I am saying. The reader wants to know what happened with the stripper…he hasn’t even been thinking about it, it seems…Dialogue “you ready?” who says this…it is unclear, insert tags or facial expressions…Eric asks? He asks…What’s his name? Are you doing that on purpose?We make our way to the front of the cabaret, a new dancer is making her way… (make and making-change one to heading or one to move over to or something.—repetitive otherwise)Crystal gave them both their first lap dances (he seems eager to have one and yet you made it seem like he didn’t see crystal like this…go back and read where you introduce her… continuity. Both upper torso appendages –uh her arms???? Why upper torso appendages???Abby? Why do you use her real name but not her stripper name…don’t see a point in skipping it now.. I thought it was for her anonymity but now I am stumped…You as well, Uh-Abby,” she laughs, and looks at me. You do this a lot, dialogue and then narrative attached. Break it off…this part seems like she said the dialogue and I KNOW it was Eric. I would go through, ad fullstops after the dialogue and begin a new para. You as well, Uh Abby” She laughs and looks at me. Less confusing that way. Dialogue between Abby, Eric, and MC-you need tags buddy, you need facial expressions. It’s confusing without it. I have a hard time following who is talking. To deflect the having to explain---drop ‘the’ to deflect having to explain myself. You write about his hair being a spectacle of itself, but you failed to mention this earlier…and why is it a spectacle, you don’t explain that… is it a Mohawk, is it afro curly, is it spikes. You need to create a clear image of you MC and you haven’t. It is driving me bonkers. Chapter SevenHow does he feel about this attention? Is it odd for him? Why is she interested in him? Does he wonder this? Oh, no, now you’ve done it…(Eric says this, but it sounds like it could be the MC, tags please)He is closing insider tonight – huh? This makes no sense to me. No tags, no feelings during the dialogue between Eric and mc talking about blow job…should be SOMETHING…Never had a blow job and is criticizing what the girl is saying, and says it is a turn off when she says she could use some comforting…huh??? No guy I know rolls like this. Especially one without ever having a BJDoes he know a lot about blow jobs since he hasn’t had one? Maybe she has a cool technique he doesn’t know about. This seems like odd behavior for someone who is BJ free. Just saying. This whole scene is so awkward(the bj part)…but I don’t know if it is awkwardly good or bad. The way he is acting is really weird…Wait wait wait…never had a blow job but knows about the clit…this doesn’t seem feasible…First blow job, over half an hour, yeah ok…this girl must have sucked at giving headSpeech tags are really needed, just a few, to let us know who is first speaking and stuff. Who knows there is a God? This dialogue is confusing without tags. Chapter 8A pair of arms dropps ---misspelled dropsI could feel one crawling down my torso – one what? Hand? See the claws digging in – into what, his flesh, his penis? More description here. Does the sister have a name? Give her one here…perhaps?I can feel her pick up the pillow and I feel the the weighty --- double the, and lose a feel or change it to something else. The dream is good, but I think you can do more, horror wise, why is the darkness scary, what is in it that scares him. More description maybe of tearing flesh as she claws at his junk…just a bit more, though you set his feelings up well. Okay, so…I really like the story…I think you have a knack for writing dialogue, BUT –big fucking but- you NEED more tags/more emotion from speakers and more facial expressions. A lot of the dialogue is confusing because I didn’t know who was speaking at first and had to piece it together. Reading is an escape, not work, and your dialogue made me work. Character – I like Eric, I don’t know what exactly is attractive about the stripper asides from her banging bod. Tell us how old he thinks she is, and then tell us up front how she is ten years older like…she looks twenty five but is probably closer to thirty, ten years my senior…something like that. I need more about the MC, is he white, black, asian, what’s with his hair, why is it a spectacle? I get that he is tall cause he didn’t fit on the couch, but what else. You need to flesh him out and paint picture for the reader. Are you keeping his name a secret for a reason? It sort of annoys me, but I get it if you are…either way it does work, but I am curious for the name. Narrative…there are two chapters that seem out of place, they could tie in later, but it really feels like unnecessary padding. They are the chapters after he delivers the pizza to the hooker and he is thinking about metaphysics/football/pregnant pizza chick. What does this all have to do with the story? Is it showing passing time? If so, then just add in more about the stripper, you leave us hanging…I would like to see him beating himself up over fleeing and running away. And since you don’t tell us WHY he ran away, not even later….then you can banter about it so the reader isn’t in the dark reading two chapters and thinking, WTF- why? What happened? Yadda yadda. I like this. I really do. You have a great voice, and if you clean up the writing...(the dialogue tip I gave you about splitting it and full stops with narrative. And weeding out your ‘that’s—oh yeah, by the way, I did a count on them and you have 257 of them in 9 chapters—curiosity kills the cat. The idea is there, it is interesting and I would buy this if it were in a books tore. I hope you finish this up, I am enjoying it and I hope you don’t find my comment harsh. They are just things that popped into my head as I read. And I know…I am a little long winded, but hey…you asked right???X T
Alright, you seem like a decent enough bloke and so I have come out of retirement. I looked further on in your chapters and your ‘that’ problem is rampant all the way through. I remember when I noticed mine I was horrified by how many I could cut…regardless your writing will be better for it. And you certainly can write…Now onto the meat and bones and shit…Dude, you need a pitch, just a little something something. Please and thank you. Epilogue: The paragraph that starts “Sometimes I think about being saved…” This confused me, it gave me the impression the person telling the story was a girl…probably because, Do these nubs make me look fat? Really is a question a female would ask…and then later you say eat my dick, so it clarifies that it is a guy, just commenting on how is a bit confusing. Great first chapter. Sort of gave me a feel for Christopher Moore, the macabre and such. Good stuff. Onto chapter one…Chapter one: First line, something is missing: Maybe should be---When you deliver pizzas, a single night’s value is directly related to a forty-five second interaction in which you and the sloth that ordered the pizza exchange food for money. (missing the in front of pizza for sure)Love the second line, but since the epilogue is all about his loss of arm, I would suggest changing the appendage…Cunt...in first para, felt too abrasive…and against the tone you’d set…weird I know… Though if you are overseas cunt isn’t as taboo a word as it is where I am. Twat would work, but cunt felt jarring…to the flow. Back out of the twenty dollars he gave you ---back from the twenty dollars (out of sounds awkward)Sentence starting, and all I’m really thinking…good line but you lose the point in the question…I would rephrase…to: And all I’m thinking about as I pull into the parking lot at nine thirty is, who the fuck is ordering food to a storage facility? I’m also wondering if they’ll tip me nicely. The line that starts the curtains…(confusing!) It sounds like you are calling the short nerdy dude with glasses lights, and I know that’s not his name…Maybe: The curtains pull back on a window in the front, officey portion of the building; lights flick on revealing a short dude with glasses who looks on the nerdy end of normal.Everyone thinks they are so quirky and interesting, like anyone gives a fuck (awesome line, Fuller)Line: he looked like he was a fan of the Harbinger _ you are in present tense all the way through…why looked? Should be looks…right?Good job at the strip joint. Not sure why you ____ the name of the girl and not Crystal. Also don’t know the name of the narrator, could be intentionally done, but you know, I noticed. Also we don’t really have a description of the dude.Chapter two:Alright, I love the opening, but I will tell you this, and you did it in chapter one. You slip into YOU, and that’s awkward. You are addressing the reader, and I know it might be a style thing, but it is a bit…something…can’t think of the word. You could write it as I…like:Fresh out of high school I was confronted with a choice: go back to school, and hope to find a niche real quick, or go to work dong the same…blah blah blah. Up to you, but the you – addressing the reader- isn’t necessary (in my humblest opinion) and actually brought me out of the story. Another example: (rewritten as I)And when my night is over, around midnight, and I’m not tired, and there is nothing to do, I look around to the caricatures I like the best and hang out and get stoned and absorb media together. (I get that you might be adding a flare here, but it can read fine with I and keeps the reader attached the MC)Like the code names-USD and SAN. Great description of the pot smoking…good imagery. Who says, Dude I’m hungry?You need a tag on opening dialogue like that...or you need to mention the MCs stomach growling so we know it’s him, right? This scene is a big confusing. I don’t know who is talking at all…tag it up…please. Hardwood is one word, you have it as two…Living with mom…an age to this beast of an MC would be good…ya know? I know he is talking about his generation, but his generation sounds like my generation and I haven’t lived at home in ten years. I think you need more details on this character to help the reader out…mini description, an age…would help us connect with him…ok?I'm at work now, so can only do these three, will be back for more, if you want...
The conversational tone lulls the reader into a false sense of the ordinary then the suspense suddenly racks up and you realise that this is anything but ordinary!Backed on behalf of Jim Darcy who is on holiday. Please take a look at The Firelord's Crown. Thank you! :)
NickSaw a thread in the forum and thought I'd check it out.Pitch might need work if you actually want to submit, but here I like it.Great opening chapter. Atmospheric and taut.My only observation is that, in a few places, some sensing verbs distance the reader from the viewpoint character for a moment. For example:I got to check but [I see] nothing there; or[I feel] like I should be freaked out that I don't have an arm;orNo more waking up screaming into some unfamiliar blackness, and [feeling your] echoes go nowhereMight need the odd tweak to remove those, but for me the experience would then be more immediate.Chapter two, I'd have a new paragraph after 'I bet this is the strangest delivery you've had tonight' to separate the geek's words from the narrator's thoughts.THe blank name ____ didn't work for me, but I'm sure it will for others.Otherwise, great voice, strong tension. Backed.
Nick: both pitches really need to be written. I do apologize for the lack of a proper comment but I am leaving for the weekend and it's late here. Let me know if you want a proper comment upon my return and I will read more as soon as I have a chance. For now, enjoy the BACKING. I can use your comment on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!JCThe Obergemau Key
I love your voice, and your humour. This is quirky, offbeat - and on my shelf.Joanna CarterFossil Farm
This is brilliant - humourous and haunting! Easy to back as this is my crazy kind of book! LizThe Cheech Room
OK jury's out on this so far – for me at least. Feels like you start to hit your stride towards the end of the first chapter, but chapter two opens with a monologue that gets boring quickly. You do have some really good stuff, not least like the excited fatty waiting for the pizza. I think you can pull this off, but at present the prologue and most of chapter one it's like you threw up on the page, everything out there all at once. You need to pick it out a bit, give each thought or idea time to do its work. You like Chuck P, yeah!! He deals in gross but it's like controlled. His weird MCs get under your skin. You may not know quite what he's going for straight off, but it builds and it's not confusing. At the moment this is just too all over the place and that makes it hard to follow. Pick the gems out of the mess. Don't overwork the metaphors and watch out for clichés eg you tell us he sees the stripper as a person but it doesn't really come across that way. The prologue is a total mess, lack of context does not help, maybe it's meant to be because of the state he's in but it's hard to read, is that what you really want up front. The idea behind the prologue seems good. Use it but make it work for you not against you. Pick you best ideas work with them, be weird but make it possible to follow where you are going. All that said, I'm backing it for potential.
Interesting, but I think that to classify it as 'Literary Fiction' is a little misleading.RT
Great stuff! :) You make words go places other words would only go wearing rubber gloves and armed with disinfectant... :)No nit-picks whatsoever. Keep at it. If there had been a pizza-guy in my book, it'd be just the way I'd want him to sound. Brilliant.Best of luck, Lisa (Death And The City)
I do like what I have read so far and especially like your use of the first person narrative voice. You have crafted an unique, a pizza guy delivering to a strip club and the troubles that follow, and most interesting storyline. Your descriptive writing sprinkled with delicious humour makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.Andrew BuransThe Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning
A dark prologue with black humour provides the ideal intro to your book. Your main character is interesting, your dialogue excellent, and your descriptive passages well done. Backed with pleasure!Craig EllisThe Sun and the Saber
Keepit going Nick, it could be a great book.David (Flawless Murder)
backed your book
I read up to 4 and enjoyed the bulk of it. The MC is a character of confusion, misbelief and disbelief and I find that a positive advantage because your writing is clarity itself; the character's ambivalence to truth and natural life makes the whole an interesting piece. Your descriptions of his observations and reflections are sincere and dedicated and I enjoy your style.BACKED
SUCCUBUSThis book is an inside look at what it’s like to be a pizza delivery guy. He’s a likable character; a little nerdy (like the way he refers to pizza as cholesterol pie). I don’t understand why you didn’t give the dancer a name, just used a straight line. I assume you meant to fill that in later, then forgot to do it. Either way, this is an interesting read. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio
I like the duality of the main character. Far too often a writer will oin a character down and leave nothing for the reader to infer which I often find is stifling in a narrative. You have the style and understanding of the reading process to know how to manipulate through subtlty and significance.backed
Nick;This is clever and well polished. Your main character is jaded and hopeful at the same time, an interesting and believable combination. I read everything you have posted, even though it's a long weekend in my part of Canada, and I should be out at the beach :-) I enjoyed the well written dialog, both internal and external. Again, it was believable and well polished.I kept waiting for something weird to happen. I mean, weird beyond normal weird pizza delivery stuff, which I have to admit is weird enough to carry a novel. The prologue promised some interesting elements. Please post some more when you are ready.This book is a rarity, both disturbing and light. The shifting balance between the two, makes for a very good read.Thanks for sharing this with us Nick.
Nick;This is clever and well polished. Your main character is jaded and hopeful at the same time, an interesting and believable combination. I read everything you have posted, even though it's a long weekend in my part of Canada. I enjoyed the sell written dialog, both internal and external. Again, it was believable and well polished.I kept waiting for something weird to happen. I mean, weird beyond normal weird pizza delivery stuff, which I have to admit is weird enough to carry a novel. The prologue promised some interesting elements. Please post some more when you are ready.This book is a rarity, both disturbing and light. The shifting balance between the two, makes for a very good read.Thanks for sharing this with us Nick.
Dear NIckI dont usually read other peoples comments but your comments are just as interesting as a novel....maybe we can write a group thriller , that do you think?you know i will back this , i started reading it, but i am really enjoying the comments also.DeniseThe Letterplease comment on my book and BACK it if not that is OK alsoDeniseThe Letter
That's an intriguing idea. What do you have in mind? I'm glad you like my comments, my only talent is personality, haha.I'll check out your book when I get the chance, of course.
I hope I don't get anything weird in the mail.
I do think he meant "sorry."
sorry
What do you mean?