Nightfall

NIGHTFALL:

Emy,

I love your pitch, and you pose vital questions that compel you to read on. Lots of conflict and likeable, real life characters young adults will readily identify with. I know that Sunday night feeling, when the week full of its problems looms ahead of you, and you must say goodbye to the luxury of the weekend.

You seemingly effortlessly convey a feeling of anticipation and suspense. It's all to do with the order of events and you have a natural knack of getting this in the right order. The prose flowly smoothly and the dialogue is punchy, and I love the first person narration - not always to pull off, but you do it very well.

Backed with pleasure.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Wow! Now this is good stuff! I always read a prologue and then the first chapter to see if there is a great difference. Here there is a difference and I feel the device works well. Your chapter two is my favorite for you continue to stimulate interest. There is conflict setup there between Munchkin and Amber. So naturally, I had to read on to enjoy the encounter between them. After that, I just had to keep going through Chapter 7. You end chapters with part of the line that dangles from your first hook. It's great and kept me going. Now I find myself wanting more. I want to know what Amber and Alex were arguing about in his truck. Very well done in my opinion.

It seems lately that most of the books I have been reading in here are in the YA genre. The success of those we are familiar with, the likes of H. Potter & Twilight, etc. appears to have fostered the creation of more of that kind of story. I was just getting to the point of burnout on the category because so much of it is predictible. The dialogue literally grates on my nerves at times and is so trite that I could not face reading about yet another teen witch, vampire or whining female/testosterone inflated male.

Then, Nightfall comes along and blows that all to hell. Your characters are more interesting and don't drive me up the wall with their self-important attitudes. Never mind that many teens act that way. Yours are more mature and truly are young adults. Dialogue reflects the more sophisticated tone of this work. I salute you for taking your young characters out of the annoying persona and making them more likeable.

The injection of mysticism and magic is intriguing. I love the storyline and will continue reading it if you post more.

By the way :) Thanks so much for supporting my book, A King in Time.
Mary Enck

Great prologue setting the tension, urging me to find out what lead to this point.

I like the relationship between your MC and Blake, believable and endearing it helps immediately for the reader to care about your characters.

Although you have a bit of backstory in your first chapter I think you weave it in well. The way you start is unique too, how many people dread Sunday night knowing they have to face the world again on Monday.

This is mature YA and although it isn't my choice for genre I could easily become lost in this story.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Stunning. From the gripping prologue into a warm and loving relationship. The dark and the light stark in comparison...very clever and very fast-paced writing. keeping me hooked and in spite of time restraints you lured me further into the story. The fact that my daughters nickname is Munchkin even at age 28 kind off endeared me to our MC from the get go.

You have the gift of inviting the reader...come see, come see....they will...its too damned good not to do well.

Backed with great pleasure.
Suzannah Burke

Rolicking good fun. Shelia is an excellent judge of books. If she likes it, it has to be good.

Nightfall
Backed with pleasure
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Have added Nightfall to my watchlist. Good luck with it!

I'm really enjoying this! First person isn't always easy to pull off, but it engages a reader so effectively when done well. Holly is easy to like and believable, which means your readers will be happy to accompany her on her journey.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

great pitch I've added you to my watch list.. i'll be back again soon :)

Hi,
This is an excellent fantasy story, you have definitely caught the right atmosphere for the genre. Your writing creates intrigue and held my interest all the way through. I'm backing this with pleasure.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Sounds very enlightening and intriguing, on my watchlist! With Love, John

E, what a wonderful story-- I loved your writing style and your intelligent descriptions. The pitch is perfect for this awesome story. It is obvious a lot of work went into the book, with the carefully chosen words, and awesome dialogue.
I loved it. Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

A great pitch and evocative start. i love ordinary problems mixed with supernatural, something Buffy did so well and the characters are very engaging, you want to stay with them for the duration and if the writer can make you see what they see, then you are doing something right. Could be easily translated to the screen. backed

I should have added to my last comment (you get 2 for the price of 1). It is customary at the end of good entertainment to cry, 'More', and 'Author', I do so with conviction.
Raven

Thank you for a riveting read...although i do have other things to do...but you made me push tem to one side. Powerful book and spellbinding. I may not be your target reader but good writing reaches beyond targets...backed with pleasure.
Raven Scott (Love is a colour too)

Hi, Just thought you needed to know that Night Fall is a best seller by Nelson Demille. Enjoyed it anyway so backed. Kop - The Lucky Bean Tree.

Backing much appreciated. Title is a work in progress, and thanks for pointing that out. I was aware that there are other books with this title, but there have been other books with the same titles also.... such as Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight by Peter James, etc etc Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

Hi, Just thought you needed to know that Night Fall is a best seller by Nelson Demille. Enjoyed it anyway so backed. Kop - The Lucky Bean Tree.

More please!!! Never mind about the young adults, I really enjoyed what you've done so far, and I'm definitely full grown! You've taken the concept of owls as protectors and made it into something totally believable, I can't wait to find out what's going to happen next.

This is very well written with interesting characters. Backed.

Carol

Your MC Holly is nicely placed for the role you have set her in. I like the relationship with big brother Blake I think I can see the relationship between Holly and Alex leading to more. I had just got to the spook y bit when the phone rang so have cut it short at that point I got as far as the window being left open and Alex checking it out. I do like some of your phrasings ‘Pretty on the outside Ugly on the inside.’ I think this will do well in its genre it’s fresh and believable.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley

I loved the book. Wish there were more chapters. I did back your book.

I loved the book. I wish there were more chapters. I did back your book.

Here are comments, per request :D (nice to see people who actually want them!)

1) I immediately loved you for knowing how to use a semicolon lol.
Your opening line gave a sense of immediacy. When I read that I felt I had to read on. You thrust us write into the story. A lot of prologues out there read like backstory, but not yours. Your descriptive details are subtly done and still powerful. You manage to do a lot in very few words. From first sentence to last, your prologue was spot on. There was nothing I would change.

Ahh! the suspense is killing me!
Please let me know when you write more.

MaidenJapan
Avengers Pathe

There is more to come, it's already written, it just needs editing :)

Ahh! the suspense is killing me!
Please let me know when you write more.

MaidenJapan
Avengers Pathe

NIGHTFALL:

Emy,

I love your pitch, and you pose vital questions that compel you to read on. Lots of conflict and likeable, real life characters young adults will readily identify with. I know that Sunday night feeling, when the week full of its problems looms ahead of you, and you must say goodbye to the luxury of the weekend.

You seemingly effortlessly convey a feeling of anticipation and suspense. It's all to do with the order of events and you have a natural knack of getting this in the right order. The prose flowly smoothly and the dialogue is punchy, and I love the first person narration - not always to pull off, but you do it very well.

Backed with pleasure.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Author with high talent spotting rank spots high talent here.

Dear E, I love the fantasy in your story because anything can happen - & does. Your book is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Nightfall
E Saunders

Wonderful book for your YA audience. Clever, engaging plot and the writing did not disappoint. Holly would be well-liked by your target readership. Happy to give this a spin on my shelf and best wishes in finding a publisher.
Zan

A captivating read, the prologue is wonderful and the continuation with Chapter One does not let it down. The atmosphere is caught beautifully by clever descriptions, and the plot is engaging. This is a novel full of creativity and imagination by building such rich fantasy. The characters are well defined and the relationship between Holly and Blake her brother is nice. This is an enjoyable book that should be well backed.

Backed,

Lisa

I like your writing. I found myself interested in the characters and compelled to keep reading. You do a good job of cluing the reader in that something big is about to happen, even though it takes a while for you to get there. A few observations:

It’s not a go idea to direct the reader directly by placing “you” in the narrative. Unless this is a letter or a diary, you shouldn’t do that.

Remove “were”: “…the invitations for Blake’s surprise party still sat unwritten on my desk.”

The kiss between Holly and Alex is really well written.

Excellent cliffhanger at the end of chapter three.

This is a good book. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

The prologue to me is gripping and flawless.
In ch1 there is room for some trimming, but overall you have done an excellent job.
I few suggestions for you to consider:

That was me this weekend; [I] sat there feeling sorry for myself…

…and the invitations for Blake’s surprise party [‘were’ – isn’t needed] still sat unwritten…

I haven’t seen them since [the day they left] on Blake’s 24th. The day they left could be left out.


MickR - The Nightcrawler

This is amazing!
After the first few paragraphs I totally forgot that I wasn't reading a fully published book. In fact, this is the kind of thing I would buy and read over and over again. Holly's an awesome character, I love her. It's perfect for teenage audiences - and I should know - and I can't believe I only read a few chapters. Where's the rest of it? I'm hooked so badly that I'll be trying to figure out what happens next for AGES!

You are an excellent writer! I have read to the end of chapter 1 and definitely plan on reading more. Your story is easy to read and engrossing- nice work!

I feel like i've just crammed loads of smarties in my mouth (it is a very good thing, got to love smarties). Absolutely love it, I feel like a kid in a candy store, GIVE ME MOREEE xxx

Emy, this is really good!!!!!!! This is perfect for YA market seriously. I turned 18 recently, so im the same age as your main character :) and this is like the books I read!!!
you made me smile with the first paragraph about sunday evening, any youngters who reads this would smilee!!! how time flies from saturday to monday morning and you realise you still havent done the homework the teachers sent out!!!! Great way to start off seriously!!!!!!!!
seriously, this is just like a typical good YA book, it would do great in this market!!! so whatever they tell you, close your ears because this is GOOD!

"Somewhere in the night, a bird called."

This is excellent, Emy. I usually find it slightly difficult to get into first person narratives - some of my favourite books are written this way, but it often takes a while for me to get used to the tone - but Holly immediately captivated me. To be honest, I was already taken by the short but sharp opening. Somebody else has wisely noted the distinction between the prologue and chapter one, and I agree - this works very well. The brevity and darkness of the former contrasts very well with the everyday beginning of chapter one.

I've put Nightfall on my bookshelf, and will be reading on. Not only do I want to know all about the Protectors and the stuff in the - excellent - pitch, I want to know whether Holly and Alex get any further than a cheeky kiss goodbye!

Best of luck with this,

David

The Burning Clock

THere is a simplicity in the telling of this tale that I find appealing. Our naive narrator speaks with a conscience and heart, sharing her fears of her brother's girlfriend moving in and her own misunderstandings of some intuitions.
I think you are on the right path tightening up the voice. The last line in ch 1 is lovely.
I suggest you not have her tell us her brother is gorgeous. Sisters don't usually speak of their brothers that way. But she could show us in the way he washes the dishes, or how she imagines Amber looks at him.
In any case, this is worth the backing!
Good luck,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

After reading your manuscript, I remembered what I loved about reading
This is a very interesting book. It is well written and speaks to a variety of readers
You have a flair for connecting your readers with your characters. This is no small feat.
It feels real and not forced. You should be very proud.
This is undeniably terrific
Once I started reading, I could not put it down
I wish you the best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I read the prologue, and was disappointed. And that was only at the fact that I realized that the story was going to be in first person (I have a vendetta against first p.o.v.).

But the first paragraph ["...as your realise that in a few short hours the whole week is going to start all over again."] got me loving the story. Anyone can relate to that first paragraph.

I'm loving the book so far and will definitely back it.

My niece is going to love this. I enjoyed it even though its not my genre. I am showing it to her this weekend. Well written, congrats.

I really like this - the plot, the characters, the way it is written.

One comment about the prologue: at the moment I am a bit keen at noticing where words are repeated close together, mainly because I have been trying to edit my effort as people picked up on this as a fault of mine!!!

There are a couple - "face the night was to face my destiny". Probably OK here, but maybe 'confront' as an alternative the second time?

Also "'I don't want this!' I wanted to scream" sounds a little awkward to me.

But hey, that's being picky! Great story, great characters. BACKED!

Robin

I love stories of the triumph of good over evil. Backed.

Gabriel (It Goes On Forever!)

The short take on this is that it is just so well written. If you can get me into your story and keep me there, then I'm a happy camper...this one grabbed me and didn't let go. One of the best reads I've had in weeks!

Lockjaw

You contrast beautifully which reflects your talent and scope. How so very different you can deviate which I found was something akin to riding a rollercoaster, never quite knowing where the next page would take me, but wanting to go there all the same - brilliant and the backing paid off for me.
Snave
When Spirits Break Free

Your premise reminds me a little of L.A. Banks...a good thing....she's quite a popular horror writer. Your crescendo doesn't start to come until a slow rise through more than one chapter. It peaked my interest, but I'm not sure everyone in this "gotta have it now" society will give it that long of a chance.
Your writing skill is good, dialogue feels good and natural and it supports rather than dominates the story.
I think you are going to do well with this story.
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

Ok, E, i love the overal premise of this, and i think you have a marketable story here. very nice conceptual elements as well. i think your voice is good, though the tone is a little light for this genre. i was expecting it to be a little darker. lol but that all good. the opening is a little confusing, because we are wondering why the night air has so much oppressive power over the main character. But if that is explained somewhere else then I guesses it will work for now. If it is really something more than just the air drawing the character out the door, you might want to at least hint to it, even if you do not want to reveal it yet. Also in the prologue there were a few sentence that were a little choppy, you may want to consider breaking them into smaller sentences. Overall the prologue was very good for capturing the reader’s interest and attention—and also in making us wonder what is going on, so that we read on.


Ok, in your 1 chapter, I see that you seem to be addressing the reader in the first few paragraphs. I’m not a big fan of first person narratives talking to the reader, sometimes in works in literary writing, but it very hard to do and pull off well—for the most part it (in my opinion) it takes away from the read, especially in genre or prose writing. It’s up to you, for me it takes away from the experience of the read. I would just start out:

I hate that Sunday evening feeling…. And so forth, and not talk to the reader. this way it is as if we are simply hearing the narrator's thoughts. (again, just my opinion).


Ok, further down I still keep getting the feeling that you are speaking directly to the reader. your writing style works best, and is more compelling, when your narrator is just telling the story--not addressing the reader directly.

Phrases like, “so anyway” are awkward, and interrupt your narrative. If you edit this, I would suggest leaving them out. they really do impede the flow of your story telling.


Your character development is good, and I am beginning to really get into your characters. Your details brings this to life but be careful that you do not load your text with too many details that are not intrinsic to the plot, as this can tend to get wordy if you don’t control it.


Your dialogue is compelling, and informative—but make sure that it stays as conversation as possible. Try to stay way from speaking too formally or, in complete sentences. That‘s not the way people generally talk. You connect things up very well, and the added details in dialogue are good too. This adds to the realism and lets the reader visualize the characters.


The first chapter does a good job at keeping the interest of the reader. the character development is good too, although you tend to tell more than you show. Remember to show action, describe what is going on, do not just tell us what is going on. there is a difference. Don’t just tell us what’s happening through narration, show us as much as poosible

All this exposition is good character development, but by the end of the first chapter you should have a bit more plot development. I think you ended the first chapter too soon. Something should have happened by now to hint at future plot structure. If not in the first chapter, in the second chapter at the very least your plot needs to start coming together with some rising action, or some bit of intrigue. All and all I would say your voice and story telling are on the right track, though as I said, I would not address the reader if I were you, and would show more than I tell. All and all interesting read so far that captures the readers’ attention and that is the mark of a good story. I will read the second chapter soon, as I have some other people to get to. I hope this feedback is helpful, cheers, and good luck with your manuscript.

blue boy

Hey E,

Just finished the complete post. Wow. So Owls are not what they seem...
This is a great story so far and am looking forward to more more more.
really enjoyed this
much good luck with it

Diane

Yes, the prologue was good, but the story is better. You didn't give it all away and us readers thank you for that. I have read a few chapters and am looking forward to reading more. I was hooked by the middle of Chap 2

This is nicely written, but could do with an edit to remove unnecessary commas. You migt also consider changing font as Times Roman is not that easy to read off screen. Meanwhile backed with pleasure. Colin

How neat to see brother and sister getting along this well. I'm still trying to get over the whiplash between 1st and second chapters, but it is definitely an attention-getter. Backed.

Catherine

There are a lot of young adult fantasy stories out there so for a book to stand out, it has to have a good mix of a wonderful fantasy world, a cast of good characters and excellent action and dialogue. This story fulfills that bill. The struggle between darkness and light isn't new, but it sounds new here. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I wish you lots of luck with this Emy, you certainly deserve it. This book has huge potential

Wow! Now this is good stuff! I always read a prologue and then the first chapter to see if there is a great difference. Here there is a difference and I feel the device works well. Your chapter two is my favorite for you continue to stimulate interest. There is conflict setup there between Munchkin and Amber. So naturally, I had to read on to enjoy the encounter between them. After that, I just had to keep going through Chapter 7. You end chapters with part of the line that dangles from your first hook. It's great and kept me going. Now I find myself wanting more. I want to know what Amber and Alex were arguing about in his truck. Very well done in my opinion.

It seems lately that most of the books I have been reading in here are in the YA genre. The success of those we are familiar with, the likes of H. Potter & Twilight, etc. appears to have fostered the creation of more of that kind of story. I was just getting to the point of burnout on the category because so much of it is predictible. The dialogue literally grates on my nerves at times and is so trite that I could not face reading about yet another teen witch, vampire or whining female/testosterone inflated male.

Then, Nightfall comes along and blows that all to hell. Your characters are more interesting and don't drive me up the wall with their self-important attitudes. Never mind that many teens act that way. Yours are more mature and truly are young adults. Dialogue reflects the more sophisticated tone of this work. I salute you for taking your young characters out of the annoying persona and making them more likeable.

The injection of mysticism and magic is intriguing. I love the storyline and will continue reading it if you post more.

By the way :) Thanks so much for supporting my book, A King in Time.
Mary Enck