The Confession

This looks as though it will grip the reader. I rather like the Lord Denning sentences (no verbs). I shall certainly come back to read more.

Charles

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Loved the premise, Kirk. Know your frustration.Lovely writing. Glad to back it.

Daniel Koehler
Splitting Washington
Flyover Country

Very promising first chapter, Kirk. I like your writing style. I'll add it to my bookshelf and read more as soon as I can. Only one criticism; you have introduced us to a lot of characters very early. It probably works because you have an easy style to read, though. Very short sentances, every one of which adds value. Good Luck.

Andy

Great start!
I'm not usually one for crime fiction, or indeed American Crime (!) but I can see that this would make a great film which I would definitely watch.....I liked the beginning paragraphs despite what others have said......I wanted to know who was going to hang and the story behind it all.
Alison

I think there are two things to look at here. The first is sentence structure. You use rather monotonous, long, complex sentences. Try to vary it more. I do the same thing, and I find it a good discipline to search for semi-colons, and try to eliminate those I can. 90% turn into full stops, and the result is an improvement. That might work for you, or it might not, but it does need attention.

Then you need to get into your characters' heads more. Dialogue is fine, but the narration is very impersonal, and the POV isn't clear. Pick a POV character, and try and get inside their head, show what they're thinking. I bet the result will be really good.

I couldn’t get through to the end of chapter two of “The Confession.” I’ll try to tell you why.

In fiction, there are three entities—author, narrator and characters. Think of a factory with CEO, foreman and the workers.

Author decides the premise, theme, setting, conflicts, points of view, story arc—stuff like that. Having decided what product the factory makes, the CEO shouldn’t be telling the workers what to do. The foreman TELLS the workers to keep moving, and the workers SHOW what they can do.

You, the author, are in this story big time. I see you there preaching about the death penalty. When a character makes a speech about pro bono and billable hours, I hear you the author talking, not the character. You’re not fooling me. You are writing an essay on the merits of the death penalty instead of letting your characters live through the issue, which is what you have to do. Get into your character’s heads and let us hear their emotions. It’s that easy to fix.

Do the same for landscape. You open the story with a description of the prison. You are not writing a piece for Architectural Review or a primer on sociopaths. Where’s the emotion and feeling. Let your characters see the landscape and draw emotion from it. For example, “lidless toilets” is a vivid gem in a mundane opening. The lidless crapper is the quintessential symbol of a depressing place. The “thin mattresses” is just description, but fast forward to “Bobby Lee Krebs lay on the thin mattress…” If you open your story there, SHOW that lidless toilet and the inside of the prison from inside Krebs head rather than let the narrator TELL about it, then I think you will hook some readers.

Similarly, you don’t need the gathering outside the prison as an opener. For all the conflicting groups you bring to the scene, there will be no TENSION until someone feels the implications of the mob. Better to let Joe Rieger feel this significance as he watches TV.

Go back to Krebs on the thin mattress. You have him listening, and he lets us know he hasn’t heard outside noises in years. You are inside Krebs head; you have given him point of view. That’s a good place to be. He is the focal point of the story. So the line “The Judge thought about that one for a minute” shattered me. I screamed, “Kirk, what are you doing.” Do you understand you tossed POV to the Judge? That is “head hopping.” It is a felony. I sentence you to 90 days with the lidless crapper.

Hope this helps.

Greg

This is a great, graeet start (Chapter 1). I have a bit of an issue with the narrative on the riot scene. If its the omniscient thrid person, the voice should sound more detached. While I read it, I thought you would introduce the first-person character that was viewing the scene, filling in his own biases.

overall, its a great setup and I'll definitely keep reading.

Wasn't sure I'd like this, but I do. Have read 3 chapters so far and am putting on my watchlist. Thanks for pointing me in this direction. R

Would be a fantastic Movie Script. It grips the interest right from the first sentence and then hangs on. Great writing. I lived in Northern Virginia for many years and ouy have also done a great job of defining the areas of Baltimore to a T. Just don't go back to Dun Dalk. LOL

Great job

LG

Kirk in fairness this is not really my kind of book - but it somehow and unexpectedly draws me in - will keep an eye on this. One immediate thought. Is it long enough for a publishable novel? dont expect mine will be your cup of tea either but please look at it! Regards Eleanor

You've got me hooked, great first chapter. Will be back for more.

You've got me hooked, great first chapter Will be back for more.

I love legal thrillers, so I can't wait to delve fully into the book.

Notes on opening 2 paragraphs: a little unnecessary repetition. You mentioned the crowd at least 2 different ways. I got it the first time. Then 'and with rare exception, generally...' . There's no need for both, because they both imply the same thing. Also, a little stereotyping going on. Not all gentrified whites are rational and calm, and not all Aryans and homeboys are full of hatred. Better to describe individuals and let the reader decide.

I like the book overall, and have never been published myself, so take these comments with a grain of salt.

Got through Chap 1 - I'll be back for more.

I think the dialogue is better than the narrative. The latter reads a little awkwardly somehow. You're like me; I tend to use all long, complex sentences. One discipline I find useful is to search for semi-colons, which I use far too many of, and eliminate all I can. 90% of them turn into full stops, and I think it reads better. I think you need to look at varying your sentence structure.

You don't get inside your characters' heads at all, which is something I'm having to look at myself. At the moment it's rather deadpan narrative, and it's not clear who's POV we're in. Pick a character, stick to their POV, and get inside their head. It could make all the difference.

I think the dialogue is better than the narrative. The latter reads a little awkwardly somehow. You're like me; I tend to use all long, complex sentences. One discipline I find useful is to search for semi-colons, which I use far too many of, and eliminate all I can. 90% of them turn into full stops, and I think it reads better. I think you need to look at varying your sentence structure. Give it a bit of editing, and it could be very good indeed.do th

PS: you should lose the book cover. It looks pretty dull.

The first scene wasn't very tight. I think you repeated three times that the crowd was small by the 2nd paragraph of your story. Nearly lost me. But from what I read of the rest, it's tight. Lose the first scene if those two cops aren't important. For me, I liked the scene of those two bad guys counting the stash of cash.Well-written, good flow, basically reads like a John Grisham novel to me. Only read the first chapt though. Caught a few typos. Like typing you're as your...

Think your book does deserve its climb. Good stuff.

Hi Kirk, sorry it's taken me so long to read this. I like it a lot, very tight writing, descriptive and well-plotted. One thing I did think (which sort of echoes comments from others) is that you could focus the POVs more tightly to bring the reader closer to the more important characters. Just a thought. It's very good stuff, best of luck with it. Cheers, Danny

The tight no-nonsense writing appeals to me and your 'voice' seems to come through well. Even though this is not normally the subject matter I would go for, I want to know where events are heading.

I agree that the characters are a bit flat, but isn't that often the case in this kind of book where the action is more important perhaps than character development? It seems to me to do exactly what it sets out to do, unpretentiously and concisely.

Thanks for your comment on Sunday's Child, it's greatly appreciated.

You've set this up brilliantly! The exploding bottle, the urban prison, the desperately manaic prisoners THEN... the bus load of KKK. If this was a movie, this would be a fantastic opening scene.

Cut to... Attorney G's office.

I didn't find any typos. Maybe they were there, but I'm sorry I've read right through them. (That's not much help to you, is it?)

I think that this is a very exciting story. You're doing something right because I want to read on.

The first chapter is a bit too long. I've had to split a lot of my chapters in two for this forum (hence chapter 1.5 etc). Perhaps if you did that, your book would garner more reads.

Have you thought of writing this as a movie script instead of a book?

At the end of the month, I will be tinkering with my bookshelf and watch list to remove the ones which will have made the editors' desk. At that time, remind me and I'd like to place this one there.

best
anne

i'm grabbed - only had time for one chapter so far, but your premise intrigues me, as my story (The family Life of Brenda Greene) also revolves around the death of a priest. i will definitely be back to read more. my initial reaction is that the short choppy sentences in this first section contribute to the 'urgency' of the situation. i do not agree with the 'reportage' comment above. .. will have more to say when i have a chance to read on. great beginning IMO!!

I read the opening chapter on your invitation ( to reciprocate) By now that is probably overwhelmed. I confess the legal thriller is a genre I am more likely to seek on film than in a book, but for what its worth I agree with Tosca about the sense of reportage, and 'telling' rather than showing. The details you give about general aspects 'the siting of prisons', the areas from which different groups of protesters come etc interrupt any flow or quick identification in a reader. Its rather dull hard work, and at the beginning of a book one has not yet decided about continuing it could be a turn off. If you took a character's view ( and make that character's view quirky or interesting) then the protest would become dynammic. Hope this helps

Hi Kirk - this is on my watch list and I want to carry on reading. It begins well and since it concerns the death penalty, I wait to see how it develops. Your work is 'American' through and through - direct and fast paced. I like the way you keep up momentum. Thanks for the comments about The Legacy of Alice Waters. I have moved that letter around and finally placed it there to act as a brief Prologue. Because of the narrative method - changing the point of view I needed something to form a clear pointer to the link between Madeleine and Emily Bryant. I hope your book does well. I shall read more and probably put it on my shelf.

I liked this a lot, but I think you're starting the story in the wrong place. A riot of people outside a prison is difficult to identify or care about. People are social animals and want to "socialize" with somebody, even if it is only in a book. Personally, I didn't start to "care" about this story until I met the man on death row. Mind you, this is just one person's opinion, but I feel the book would hook a reader faster if it started with Lee Krebs in his cell, thinking about his impending execution. Also, up to this point, as is the story hasn't let me into any one's head or emotions. To know what Kreb's is thinking, to feel his fear, despondency, whatever--would go a long way in making me want to read on--especially if I find something redeemable in his character (through his thoughts, fears, etc.). Don't take my comments too seriously, but in my mind, the most compelling order of events would be to open with Krebs, pan out to the riots, then the drug dealer scene. Basically, your writing is wonderful, I just don't feel pulled into the story fast enough for my liking.

There's a price for giving honest reviews. So now I cringe, waiting to see what criticisms you'll have for my story. Take care.

It's only my opinion, but I would lose the first three paragraphs. In my mind, they do nothing but relay information that comes across move vividly when we reach the cops POV (I think he should have a name too, rather than being an impersonal 'cop'). The reader should be credited with understanding the story without it being spelt out in detail in the first few paragraphs. The following section sums it up enough I felt: The blacks and the whites stared at each other across the police enforced divide with an undisguised hatred that had nothing to do with an execution date having been set. The racial epitaths from both directions easily drowned out the chants of the death penalty opponents.

Later on, I found it difficult to work out whose POV we were in. To my mind, we should be in the one in the best position to relay what's happening, or the one who the action will follow.

Only my thoughts of course, for what they're worth.

i would like to thank everyone for beginning to read my book and for the helpful comments that have been made. sorry not to have responded to each comment individually but having received several today have not been able to keep up. i will, however, consider each of the comments in editing my book. in addition, by monday i expect o have read a part of the submission of everyone who has commented and to have returned the faovr with my thoughts on your work. thank you again; this is all very helpful and very much appreciated!-- kirk

Got to the end of 3, Kirk, where the mystery starts coming together, and where I really begin speculating. The opening sets the scene well, then we meet your array of very different and interesting characters. Your writing is skilful and transparent (a good thing). Above all else, the premise is so intriguing and baffling that I would have to read on. This is going on my Watch List.

Some favourite moments: 'A regular melting pot of hatred and prejudice'. 'most of these idiots don't even know why they're here'. 'How excited Krebs looked'. 'not every pause needed to be filled in'. 'The cynical contingent had a firmer grasp on the truth'. 'razor-bladed important cases out of library books'. 'Hoping someone with a matching kidney and a Universal Donor Card would die'. 'Denied; denied; denied'. 'I tell him he can't talk to her'.

Suggestions/picky typos (the latter mainly in the first chapter where they gather in all our works): I'd personally omit the last two 'had's in the first paragraph as the time is made clear. Paragraph starting 'The cop was right' - last sentence seems present tense while rest is past. 'His partner(')s outstretched hand'. 'with that speech your (you're)'.

I agree there are a couple of sections of information that might be trimmed down a little. Had to do this with mine too - all that lovely research clipped to the bone *weeps*.

Kirk, I've read the opening chapter and have book shelfed you as I want to read more.

I love legal thrillers and your style is evocative of John Grisham. It's punchy and well paced, and you have a good opening hook that pulls the reader into the story. The first chapter is a lot of narration, but somehow it works for me to develop the story. Good dialogue, strong characters and what sounds like an interesting plot.

This is good, really good. I'll be back for more. Well done.

Cracking read felt like it could have been a Grisham novel.
especially like Reynolds speech on billable hours and pro bono.
Mark.

Your style is easy to read The grammar is correct. I am not an assessor however one told me to not leave space between paragraphs. Reading yours with a space between each para has convinced me that she is correct. The space is read by me as a pause and find it difficult read, it is almost staccato. This is not the flow of the verbage just the set out.

Hope this helps when you submit.

I have read the first three chapters of this, and think it is very promising. I disagree with Tocksa's point about lack of character development e.g. I noticed in Chapter 2 the friction between Reynolds and Sloan, with her thinking one thing and saying another. Although your basic plot is probably a fairly well-worn one, you rise above the average with a very effective style and structure.

Just a few picky points...

I know the power of short sentences, but found your opening sentences too brief - I kept being distracted by their shortness.

Ironically, some of your direct speech passages seem a bit too long and information-packed.....need to be broken up a bit?

Should it be antennae in Chap 2 ?

You have introduced a large number of characters and different scenes in the first three chaps. so I trust the threads will all cohere in due course.


I always find that I have trouble understanding US cops and lawyers talking in the far too many books on this theme I have read - does it matter that yours are to "British" in their dialogue?

It would be a pity if commercial pressure force you to "dumb this down" since it's refreshing to come across a novel of this type that is also highly literate.

I have a space on my bookshelf, so will store there as I read further.

Good Luck

Clare - A Fall in the Paradise Gardens - tame by comparison

Kirk. I like it. Well written which is most important. Will come back for more....
James

i appreciate the comments and will consider them as i reread some of my narrative. i hope you will keep reading and let me know whether you can start to identify more with the characters as you get further into the book so that perhaps a bit of editing is necessary in the early going, as opposed to the need for a complete rewrite.

Well, I just read the first chapter. I shall have to think about this some more. It's well written, no superfluous adjectives, nice clean prose, but something was missing for me. My first impression is that it reads too much like reportage. I wondered whether this was a narrator telling the opening section. We never approached any of the characters, never feel what they are feeling. It's difficult to pin point examples, but for me there was too much surface in this piece, as in I never got within the characters' heads.

You tell me what happens, what people say, what the characters are doing etc (he lay back on the bed etc), but not what they are thinking. And that makes it distant and not as engaging as it might be.

If you approach each scene with this question in mind: which character's point of view is this scene going to be told from? then it will be easier to identify with the emotional content of the scene.

I'm not being very clear I know. And the way you have written it does make for a unique style, but for me at least it was too cold to be fiction. It read like documentary journalism. But as i say, I will think about this more and read more when I have the time. Best of luck

Kirk, many thanks for your positive comments on Scratch, they are much appreciated. I agree it is very difficult for newr members to get their books the attention they deserve. I was lucky enough to join a little before the recent major influx of members and so Scratch benefited from higher visibility than newer members now receive. your pitch for The Confession looks intriguing and I will have a read as soon as possible. I'll watchlist it until then. Thanks again, Danny

This looks as though it will grip the reader. I rather like the Lord Denning sentences (no verbs). I shall certainly come back to read more.

Charles