Madison of Edaeria

Good introduction to a novel.
The writing is very clear and the pace is quick with a good flow.
I think this will do very well - which is why it's on my shelf.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I LOVE this! I only read a couple chapters, but I'm already so
intrigued and I can't wait to keep reading. The story flows and
it's an easy read.

The Pitch: Great pitch. It caught my attention right away. It leaves just enough unknown.

I like how you started off in chapter one. It shows Maddie’s normal life and then by the end you’re starting in at the more fantasy part of the story. There’s no waiting for the story to start, and I really liked that.

I suggest getting rid of the italics. They’re okay in moderation, but appear amateurish in large amounts and would be a pain on the eyes in a printed book. The rule of thumb I was giving for them was not more than a sentence.

There’s quite a bit of over description and over explanation in the book that is blogging it down.
For example:. “She felt she could face anything as long as she could feel him behind her…” and then it’s said “…. held her against him, making her feel warm and safe.” Mentioning that she feels warm and safe is redundant because you already started she, basically, felt that way with him around.

Watch out for the adverbs, they’re not friendly creatures. (the “ing” ones too.)

As for over explanation:
When she’s talking to Derik on the phone, “she sensed an odd hesitation.”
You showed super well how odd he was acting on the phone that this added on weakens the writing.
(I could go through and point out more if you want me to.)

The “She ignored the older man across from her who wore a skirt on top of his head.” That made me smile. Perfect description of the bus.

Just curious though, how she knows “he was actually a very nice man” if she was ignoring him.

All that being said, you build atmosphere really well. There was a calm, sad feeling at the prolog that you could almost touch, and in chapter one the lazy, loving feeling.

When Maddie discovers what she discovers at the boardwalk the reaction was well done and well shown. It shows her personality well.

This writing has a ton of potential, and from your pitch and reading some of it, it seems like it has a good premise. :)

I just read the first two chapters and what a beginning! I loved chapter one. You managed to develop a real connection to the main character in a very short amount of time. I was definitely pulled in and enjoyed every moment. You dialogue is smooth and I love the images you paint. I am sure your book will fly through the ranks. Thanks so much for posting it. You have done a fantastic job. High stars and I will back it as soon as I have a bit of room.

Dear Danielle,

Here are my thoughts on MADISON OF EDAERIA.

I thought the pitch gave away too much of your story, and I actually groaned ‘not again’ when my eyes fell on ‘vampires and packs of werewolves’. Surely, you can understand that ‘Twilight’ isn’t one of my favourite movies. So, even before I started reading, I knew exactly what to expect and wasn’t really very keen on it.

But, chapter 1 gave me a surprise, a very pleasant one, of course. I went on to read 5 chapters straight and then hopped over to the last one to see if it’s really a complete manuscript at 30510 words (well, it’s not, and so you need to change the classification accordingly). What caught my attention was not the plot itself, but the seriously professional writing. I wasn’t expecting such mature writing in a story of this genre. The narrative structure is also very good with frequent italicised portions giving us snippets of the back-story while the main flow continued unhindered.

My rating: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

I believe that the pitch does not do justice to the true merit of your story. I’m afraid, I can’t be very specific, but I think that it’s too light and the offhand reference to vampires and werewolves doesn’t help at all. The revised pitch needs to be more serious and ‘hooky’ as well. Maybe, something like this:

‘Madison Edaeria was a self-made young woman, hardened by loneliness and the rigours of having to fend for herself in a cruel and heartless world. She had never seen the faces of her parents and the closest thing she had to family was her boyfriend, Derik. Her world is turned upside down when one evening, her parents turn up at her doorstep, and abduct her to a strange place – Edaeria, a parallel dimension full of wonder, mysteries and unspeakable danger. As she comes to terms with her new reality, she slowly begins to realise her true destiny.

While the fates of Edaeria and Earth hang in the balance…’

Best regards,
AGC

Good introduction to a novel.
The writing is very clear and the pace is quick with a good flow.
I think this will do very well - which is why it's on my shelf.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Good introduction to a novel.
The writing is very clear and the pace is quick with a good flow.
I think this will do very well - which is why it's on my shelf.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I LOVE this! I only read a couple chapters, but I'm already so
intrigued and I can't wait to keep reading. The story flows and
it's an easy read.

The Pitch: Great pitch. It caught my attention right away. It leaves just enough unknown.

I like how you started off in chapter one. It shows Maddie’s normal life and then by the end you’re starting in at the more fantasy part of the story. There’s no waiting for the story to start, and I really liked that.

I suggest getting rid of the italics. They’re okay in moderation, but appear amateurish in large amounts and would be a pain on the eyes in a printed book. The rule of thumb I was giving for them was not more than a sentence.

There’s quite a bit of over description and over explanation in the book that is blogging it down.
For example:. “She felt she could face anything as long as she could feel him behind her…” and then it’s said “…. held her against him, making her feel warm and safe.” Mentioning that she feels warm and safe is redundant because you already started she, basically, felt that way with him around.

Watch out for the adverbs, they’re not friendly creatures. (the “ing” ones too.)

As for over explanation:
When she’s talking to Derik on the phone, “she sensed an odd hesitation.”
You showed super well how odd he was acting on the phone that this added on weakens the writing.
(I could go through and point out more if you want me to.)

The “She ignored the older man across from her who wore a skirt on top of his head.” That made me smile. Perfect description of the bus.

Just curious though, how she knows “he was actually a very nice man” if she was ignoring him.

All that being said, you build atmosphere really well. There was a calm, sad feeling at the prolog that you could almost touch, and in chapter one the lazy, loving feeling.

When Maddie discovers what she discovers at the boardwalk the reaction was well done and well shown. It shows her personality well.

This writing has a ton of potential, and from your pitch and reading some of it, it seems like it has a good premise. :)

I just read the first two chapters and what a beginning! I loved chapter one. You managed to develop a real connection to the main character in a very short amount of time. I was definitely pulled in and enjoyed every moment. You dialogue is smooth and I love the images you paint. I am sure your book will fly through the ranks. Thanks so much for posting it. You have done a fantastic job. High stars and I will back it as soon as I have a bit of room.

You have created a very strong character in Maddie- unassuming, feisty and wounded; a perfect combination for a rich character driven plot. Really exciting pitch, the front cover too is mesmerising. I very much enjoyed what I read.

a few thoughts:
Short pitch- do you mean 'introduced TO her parents'?
After the list of types of foster parents I don't think you need the 'etc'.
'wide berth' not 'birth'

All the best, Karen

Danielle, you are a gifted descriptive writer. I think you do a very good job giving each character distinct voices
The premise is strong; the pace is steady and characterizations compelling
I wish you the very best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

What a great start and the cliffhanger ending was brilliant/ The writing flows well and the imagery is solid and they feel like a real couple. This touches on a universal theme of everyone sometimes feeling they were meant for something and their life wasn't quite right. Backed.

I nearly ran out of breath with this book Danielle, but made it in the end. Not quite my cup of tea, but once again very well written. You will be a star if the right editor gets hold of these three books and publishes them. Good Luck.
Norman.

This is a book with everything: vampires, werewolves - and everything mirrored. Good concept. Easy to like main character. BAcked. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

The title interested me. I put this in WL and read it later. Would you like to check out Bamboo Promise. I know that this is not your genre, but, if you do not mind, I would like to invite you to read and make comment . Thanks

I was just coming to the end of Ch.2, I suddenly had a sinking feeling! No, nothing to do with your book. My chair had decided to lower itself of its own accord!!!! Anyway, from a low position, I finished the chapter, fixed my chair and went on reading. This is a story which has really gripped me, I have a very good feeling about the potential it and you show, Danielle. I have not found anything to criticise, except that I am jealous that you can write so much better than I. I wish you all the very best with, Madison of Edaeria. It deserves a gold star at least.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And, Muddledydo.