Coming Undone

Initialy I thought your writing style tense would be somewhat off-putting, but the more I read, the more I got sucked into the story and your writing. I'm enjoying the fact that so much of the story is carried by dialogue, and like others have written, I really like the asides. I also like the way the story jumps from Jac to other characters; it makes me look forward to finding out how all the characters are interrelated.

You've chosen a very difficult voice and tense to write it--in my opinion, at least--and for the most part you've handled it very well. Every once in a while though there is something jarring about it, and it forces me to focus on the actual writing, not the rhythm and flow of the language. They tend to be little things that others may disagree with, but one example is when Mike shows up to take Jac to lunch and she looks in the mirror and decides "this'll do." For some reason, the use of this really grates on my ears and feels forced. Maybe a simple change like "it'll do." Really quite minor stuff though. So far, I'm very much enjoying it!

Good luck!

Very interesting with a good bunch of characters, only read a few chapters but certainly will be reading the rest.

I really like your writing style. It feels like an on-the-scene reporter with the clipped phrases in the narrative. Very unique and interesting.

Anne
Closeted Courage

Dear Deryn, I love your love story - ah, youth & choices. :) I am still making them & sometimes the wrong ones. Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Catchy and spunky writing that will go down well with followers of the genre.

Very entertaiing and you write well.

backed

I did not have time to read all 6 uploaded chapters...but the character of Jac reminded me of a white ball in 3-band billiards, seen from the point of view of the bands...I don't know if it makes any sense, but I liked the way Jac is seen from the point of view of her effect on others...very interesting approach, plus of course the way this is mixed with elections and events in South Africa from a point of view that we never ever hear...sometimes a little hard to read, but still backed with pleasure :)

Engaging dialogue makes this piece, taking it from good to great. A fantastic cast of characters enables us to engage easily with not just the protagonist, but the situation in which she finds herself.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

I like it, especially the dialogue and asides. Well done. Backed. Gordon (The Harpist of Madrid)

Great play on words in the title!!
Like how you structure the book in time.
Fantastic dialogue moves the story very, very well.
I think you have balanced the humour to make this a very entertaining book. – Good luck.

Great dialogue, numerous strong characters, overall enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

Good luck with it!
Amy
Love Match

This is an enjoyable read. You have a mix of good characters. Your dialogue is a real strength. You might spend a little more time describing scenes; sometimes it took me a minute to figure out where I was, but okay. Either way, it's a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Well written with exceptionally good dialouge. I like the way you have written feelings and emotions, you layer one on the other very skillfully. Both pitches were well written and I understand why others think this would make a good move. Good Luck with it.

Sue
knowing Liam Riley ( I hope you enjoy it)

Hi Deryn, Even with this merry-go-round of characters, I could keep track because of the way the characters were immediately associated with their actions and connection to Jac. After Gavin’s announcement, it’s hard to tell where she’s going except that she goes on. I think that’s what’s interesting here – that we can’t glimpse much of her POV and wonder during her activity. Good momentum! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

The only complaint I have about this book is the cover - boring. Thank God the book more than makes up for it. It's a wonderfully -written love story, very commercial and deserves to be published. Give it a decent cover, say I. Backed. Lynn

Thank you. I promise to re-think the cover completely.

This is written in an interesting style...almost like in script form, with action indications and dialogue..it is fun to read and intriguing, Jac is a vivid and different character. I truly enjoyed it, and am happy to back it! Love the fact that it takes place in Johannesburg as well...everyday life in SA :)

One word, “Captivating!”. I agree with Mark R. Trost who said, “This is a film. You’ve fleshed a film”. Well done! Look forward to reading more of your work. A pleasure to back your book!

Both of the pitches worked for me. You have mastered the pitch. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

The only complaint I have about this book is the cover - boring. Thank God the book more than makes up for it. It's a wonderfully -written love story, very commercial and deserves to be published. Give it a decent cover, say I. Backed. Lynn

More please
LBC

Have added some more - glad you're enjoying it

A great novel- bitty, gritty, relentless. The style and subject matter fit perfectly. And a fab leading lady! Will shelve it-naturally.

More please
LBC

Love your style, your insights and your characters.
I didnt find any errors. Shelved.
mikegilli The Free

This is a fascinating book, funny and fast moving, and Jac is a very unusual and individual person. The story of the stag party, and Jac's revenge on Gavin, is excellent. You make it clear that something is going on, but keep us in suspense as to exactly what. You start the book with Jac a dozen years later, and unhappy; and when you take us back in time to her meeting with the newly engaged Gavin, you let us get to know Jac well and quickly. Your writing is crisp and engrossing, and your style is professional. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Deryn,

Coming Undone - great premise, crisp telling. Backed with pleasure.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is a film. You've fleshed a film.

Now gut it to the skeleton because your dialogue and characters are beautiful and evolve it into a screenplay.

I see the film.

Mark R. Trost
"Post Marked."

I've only read the first chapter so far, but it's a nice easy read. Must be hard to find out your best friend (bed mate) has a girl-friend and is getting married - ouch! I love a good romance and I'm looking forward to finding out whether Jac finds someone she can trust enough to fall in love. I hope so.
Shelved with pleasure
Sue
A Boy Called George (please take a look if you have time)

I hope this helps rather than offends. Good luck! :)

Thank you, that was very helpful.

Your long pitch is actually pretty good, and some of your word choices and phrasing are quite good, but there are also some areas for improvement. I say that not to be mean but rather b/c I've been reading tips and querying agents for a year now. Don't start the short pitch with "if" if there's not going to be a "then." It's a fragment. Love stories shouldn't be hyphenated. In the second question, perhaps replace the last "we" with "then." It sort of sounds like you're apologizing for the novel being chick lit and trying to compensate for it with the merlot comment. Don't put your own novel or genre down ... leave that to the critics and agents. ;) I would also avoid parentheses in pitches. Missing "is" before "skimming." The pitch has definite potential if you tidy up these items. I hope this helps rather than offends. Good luck! :)