The Crystal of Elaiobus

Hi Ashley!
Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

Thank you so much for your support, much appreciated. ^___^

Love the idea - great pitch. The writing is excellent - will read on !!

I look forward to reading more of your manuscript, and will do so before commenting further. please read some of my book when you have time and let me knows what you think.


cheers
blue boy

Good new angle on the fantasy apple.

The first line did feel very close to heing a hanging participle at first read :-) I was wondering - is Johari a person or a place? :-) And a few other places where people and things seemed interchangeable. Read the last para out loud to yourself. Punctuation is the problem - so maybe another edit to tighten things up a little?

Backed with pleasure, hope you will return the backing and comment on Royal Blood Chronicles book one, thanks E.Loraine. This is very good work.

A fantastical tale. My pleasure to put this on my shelf.

Amy
Love Match

Hello Ashley. This is a very interesting read and concept. I liked the transformation sequence. If you do any editing, check paragraph two, only a little thing: (pushed his (way?) through. I wish you the best of luck with this. mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Kayla makes for a wonderful girl, she's a very real child, perfectly captured in this opening segment. You have a great concept, and you work with it beautifully. Great work!
Backed.

Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

I love the idea of the story. The first couple paragraphs didn't really grab me, but as I read on it grabbed my attention. Hope that helps. Maybe if you start with more action instead of narrative.

Jenny

I love the idea of the story. The first couple paragraphs didn't really grab me, but as I read on it grabbed my attention. Hope that helps. Maybe if you start with more action instead of narrative.

Jenny

Great childrens book. I love the characters.
Shawna Stewart
Lessons from an Evil Mind

A narrative that is polished both in charcter and craftmanship. Shelved.

This is certainly an imaginative and charming children's story, with creatures that keep morphing from animals to humans. My eight year old daughter loved it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway

I love the story and imagination here! I noticed that you suggest that this might be for both YA and children...I think it feels more like a Children's read...just my opinion. I also think that the writing could be tightened up a bit, but the content is wonderful.

Lockjaw

The Crystal of Elaiobus

What an immense imagination!!!!
This is such a strong at times humour book. You create characters through your dialogue and balance the narrative well, just be aware that descriptive sound can enhance narrative description. This is a very good, very imaginative book!

This is unique in it's plot and characters. It's wonderfully imagined and portrayed. This is a fantasy that many will love to escape to. Backed with pleasure.
Rakhi -Sir William, An Urbane Knight

The Crystal of Elaiobus
Ashley Elizabeth Robertson

Ashley,
I think you have a brilliant imagination - this should stimulate and excite a children and YA audience, but I think it has much broader appeal because after reading you pitches, I was tempted to go further, and did. The idea of hidden worlds of children that Man lost is absolutely fascinating. Many minds wonder one thing - including mine! Was it real? I have often thought that babies knew so much, much of a possible world they might have inhabited before they came into this world - and as a child, my dream was to invent a machine to read their minds!! You have brought back to me much of mu childhood ideas here. Thank you. Anyway, I am extremely pleased to place you on my shelf. have read your pitches and your opening and believe this has good potential. I have been a member of this site for over eight months and have read and commented on about 350 books so far. I am not able to read any greater portion of yours because constant electronic reading has begun to affect my otherwise 20/20 vision, which I fear will deteriorate further, and the responsibilities of daily life do not allow me to read more or leave a longer, more specific comment.
I wish you success in finding a publisher.
Best wishes,
Zan

The story bounces as energetically as the lions. There's a vibrancy to your narrative YA will love, and characters endowed with power they no doubt covet for themselves. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Some bits need tidying up, but it's a great story in itself. With some good editing this could sell well :)

You've created an interesting world here. And then populated it with a mix of very different people including Kayla. She's a likable character. It's a good read following her adventures. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I like how you get right into the story, and it´s a good story. One detail...first the girl is unconcious and then suddenly she is running around. I think you need a line having her wake up. And the morphing back and forth was a little confusing. Otherwise, a very readable and engaging story. Good luck,
Susan
Flirting in Spanish

Some polishing is in order for this book, but there is some great potential here. You have painted a great world here, but some background before jumping into the story directly would be best here since I stumbled and was sort of lost all through the first chapter. The characters you have presented are mystical and fantastic and will provide a great story. Keep this up and it will be a great story/book!!!

All the best.

-Alexander (A King Created)

With some refinement (and attention to typos), this could be a fun read for young'ns. I'll give it time on my shelf. Good luck with it.

M J
Requiem

Ashley, I've looked at your first two chapters. A smooth, enjoyable read. Nothing really to nitpick in these sections. I can see my little niece totally getting into your book.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I let my boys read this genre of books usually as you can't get a better backing that the audience it is intended for. Both loved chapters 1,2,3, but they have not yet mastered the Bashire Clap Dance!! Very amusing watching though.
backed
warm wishes
hatts

THE CRYSTAL OF ELAIOBUS: What a delightful story! Your imagination brings the characters to life. I liked how the animals became human (and that the Zebras were gossips :)). You weave the dialogue, prose, poetry, and song together nicely.

HJ
Pearl Edda

Once I got into the morphing this became an enchanting story. You have a very natural style to your storytelling that makes it easy for the reader. There is a great underlying humour (thought the two legs was inspired). I enjoyed this so very much – Good luck.

Ashley,

The Crystal of Elaiobus - A child who has the will and power to create a world. This is delightful ... I felt strange walking on two legs ... You've obviously found the book of Folk kin, and the right to tell a story up to that threshold of birth. I think children will love it. Backed with pleasure (I may have backed this before).

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

You have a great writing style and I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters. Great work.
Krystiana
Surviving the Earthquake

I was prepared to back this on concept alone. I love the idea which you are exploring here.
You do an exemplary job telling it and it was nice to read something which the author had spent so much time over. I can't say I have any nickpicks, the chapters I read all seemed polished with a very clear intention in moving the story forwards. More than happy to back.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Hi Ashley
You;ve done a good job in a genre which is tough to be successful in. I like the switching POV idea as it is something I've done in my book which is difficult and many people criticise. Nicely descriptive and beautifully written.
Backed
DP Walker
Five Dares

I would have once said that 85,000 words was probably too long for your chosen genres, such as young adult, but after Twilight and Harry Potter, I have to throw that one out the window and say 'you never can tell can you?' It's one of life's surprises, as is this little gem. It flows, it's descriptive, and I love your pitch, something I can imagine wiling away the summer holidays with. You have a great little saga here in this story, turn those red arrows into green, 'The Crystal of Elaiobus' deserves it. : )
Backed.

Bobby
Dented Sensation

Dear Ashley E Robertson,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The “Sky of Dreamers” caught my eye in your pitch. I skipped to chapter seven to cover less-traveled ground and was rewarded by an ambush of white lions. I believe you meant “in sight”, not “insight”. Sam saves her, and good for him. In my fallible opinion, exclamation points are best left for sentences with expletives, or for screaming. I appreciate how you offset direct addresses in dialog with commas. You have a beautiful description of Sam’s weapon. In the next chapter, they have a delightful summer, though they do practice fighting as well. I’d watch out for word repetition, as I found “gather” twice in one paragraph. I’m sorry to hear his pole was burned. She then encounters some zebra-riding desperados, and I’m engrossed in this scene, fearing for her. This chapter ends with a great hook. Oh, I don’t think you don’t need the first five words of your short pitch.

You have a cute story. I can tell you enjoy writing, and I hope you’ll stick with it. Bravo! Backed, and best wishes.

Ashley, You write so beautifully about this African land where people can shift into animals. I read the first chapter for pleasure and not to critique. I hope to come back and read more of this delightful tale. I'm sure it will be a hit with children (but then I'm thinking the children of my generation). Hopefully the children of this generation are also into beguiling fantasies such as your's.

Patricia
All Saints' Day

Hi Ashley,

I think your book is bursting with imagination and magical adventure. Being a huge Fantasy fan, I can honestly say that I've read a lot of books by different writer's. I think your shifting POV is a good idea, as long as you give the reader enough to know who's doing the talking. I noticed someone comparing you style to George R R Martin's, have you read any of his books? The Game of Thrones is incredible. Being compared to George R R Martin is a good thing, because I feel he's one of the best fantasy authors out there. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Hi your writing is strong but I did struggle with the multi point of view. Some parts were beautifully written others confused me. I don’t read very much fantasy so perhaps my review is not a fair representation. Best of luck with it.
Hope you enjoy, Knowing Liam Riley
Sue Mackender

Hi your writing is strong but I did struggle with the multi point of view. Some parts were beautifully written others confused me. I don’t read very much fantasy so perhaps my review is not a fair representation. Best of luck with it.
Hope you enjoy, Knowing Liam Riley
Sue Mackender

I found the switching of POVs interesting. I do this to a much lesser extent in my own book, so perhaps I’m biased. The way you do it, though, is a neat twist. I do find myself thinking of Gorge R R Martin, though – a man who takes this overboard in the extreme. I think you’ve got a good balance and the little introductions make it work and will cause less confusion. Especially as this is in first person.
Your premise is intriguing and I can’t wait to see what you do with it. Your characters come through strongly and the dialogue is well crafted.
Now, those are some general points, so here are some notes I made along the way as I read…

“I have heard that if you were a bird looking down way below you, the hill lies in the northern part of the savannah region.”

The hill would be in the northern part of the savannah weather you looked at it from above, below or at eye level. Unless it’s some sort of quantum anomaly, the cave’s position in space should not be dependant on the observer’s position in space. *nerd alert*
Sorry about that, couldn’t resist.

“I was late for an important meeting concerning a loss of wild turkeys[.] When I arrived, every one making up the tribe of Johari was gathered in a circle on the ledge.”

A quick cut into two sentences may make this passage easier on the reader. (On a side note, I like the random wild turkeys).

“King Eze’s face relaxed…”

A point I learned a while back is that ‘began’ is often not needed in descriptions. Also, taking it out makes things a lot more immediate.

Isn’t a ‘beautiful queen’ a bit cliché? Perhaps be more specific about her looks and the manner in which she ‘appeared’. Things like beauty should be evident, not explained.

The same is true of silence. Itself a very rare occurrence – there is always some sound, even if it is the protagonists heartbeat in their ears. If there is no sound, then you do not describe sound.

This transformation loses a lot of its impact because it happens so quickly and because we do not know what the characters look like. I get the impression you wanted this to be a bit of a revelation to the reader; at the moment it just feels confusing. Perhaps there should be more clues earlier on? You don’t have to be explicit, just hints here and there that these characters are not humanoid at least…

I like the idea of the shifting between forms; a little more detail, please?

“My name is Kayla[,] what is yours?”

Comma in the wrong place. Don’t know why I spotted that, I usually miss those…

“… and asked her how she came to be here. She had no idea.”

I think this would be better as a conversation. Give the reader more of a sense of the atmosphere as well. The confusion and bewilderment of the characters should come through the speech and body language.

There’s a lot of good stuff here and the scene where Kayla and Basi are playing has some great potential. I just get the feeling it was rushed, though. Perhaps slow down and give us some descriptions through motion. Show the reader the action and let them move with the characters; that way we get a better view of them.

“If she is raised by us, she may become to understand us and her possible destiny.”

I think you mean “…she may come to understand us…”

“It was Anaru, the slyest lion around.”

Rather than telling us this, perhaps show it through his body language and how Baobi reacts to him. Maybe even recount why he thinks he is sly.

“Yeah, sure, places where I have [to?] scrounge for food…”

I think this character has some potential! Run with it!

“Keep away kid for your own safety.”

Not sure what this means… “Keep this kid hidden away for your own safety”, maybe?

I love the description of the sunset. More of this, please!

“I just knew there would be hundreds [in] the future.”

Small typo.

At the start of Chapter Two you explain an awful lot. This tends to happen in fantasy a lot, but it’s not always a good move. To draw the reader into the story it’s often best to bring the information out more naturally. You have the opportunity with a character like Kayla to ask the questions and inform the reader through the explanations given to her through the story.

The way Mali tells the story seems to fit (though I’d still like a tad more detail here and there) because it feels like this really is a child telling it. The way the dialogue is constructed and the occasional ramblings fit nicely.

The description of the festival itself was interesting. The way you break it down makes it easier to read.

It’s getting late for me, so I’m spotting less things. I’d better stop before I say something silly like ‘are you sure that books are supposed to have words in them?’.

Anyway, as I said, great ideas! Great storyline! Great characters! Slow things down a bit, more descriptions and movement! That’s my view in a nutshell. : )

Best wishes,

- Joel Cornah

The Dinosaur Prince

Obviously, your writing is strong. I had a little trouble at the start with who was speaking. I would omit Kayla's intro and let it come through in Baobi's narration. Your narration is playful and causal - I think this will truly appeal to a young audience.
Well done.
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

This is a beautiful story, very well told. i was intrigued by the pitch and your writing abilities didn't disappoint. An exquisite read, very vivid descriptions and wonderful characters. Backed and good luck to you.
Carl.
The Time Hunters

I enjoyed reading this and think young people will too. There is something gentle about it and magical. The dialogue is perfect though sometimes you might consider breaking it up a little on the longer chunks. The descriptions and characters are lovely and bring life into the story. I like the gentle humour and the pace is steady.
Happily backed
Christina

Hi Ashley, The idea is entrancing, the people who have come from the lions and a child being able to save them. I liked their amiable attitude towards her and the romping and celebration. After all, they are trying to influence children! It is gently imagined and has a undulating pace. A few times, I got a little lost in the switches and wished I could see them more visually. The conflict promises to be interesting! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Love the plot and kids will definitely enjoy this book! Backed!

I like the concept behind this story, beautifully imagined.
I did have problems with your sentence structure though; the reading feels a little clunky for my tastes, but nothing that a good review will not iron out.
Backing this for its great promise.
Best Wishes
Dawn ; ARK

This is a beautifully written magical tale. The pitch is spot on and I really liked your style. It's different to what I normally read but I enjoyed it.
Best of luck!
Grace ~ Suitcase of Memories

Classic....what more can I add?
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

This is a captivating story, and your prose glows with quality. Your characters are quite engaging, especially Kayla, her friends and King Eze...backed with pleasure

This reads like a classic fairy-tale. It will definitely appeal to your target audience and has the spirit of a classic. I think with a little tightening, it will be amazing. You definitely have a book with a lot of potential and a great imagination. Backed!

Tawn Anderson

The quality of your writing couple with a great story is evident in the prose and in your rank. Your descriptive writing impressed me, and I liked your story from the very beginning, from the pitch to the cover art—impressive. In the opening, you do a nice job of setting things up. The characters jump right in exposing their insecurities and hopes. Each character has a unique voice and that is a rare treat.

Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks