Project Zero: BulletProof

Hi there...

I don't want to put any kind of downer on you with my comment about this chapter, but I got halfway through and gave up. Not because it wasn't good or bad as I would never say to anybody that kind of thing as I am a writer and fully understand that all work needs to be looked at and re-written with the help of readers comments. You are writing a story about a well used premise... superhero stories are hard to make new. With that said, personally for me, I would like to read a prologue of something to do with the history of his powers may be, to get a small taste that would help me to get through this first chapter.

That is my first thought, but I will re-read and read the whole chapter and then work through more. Please don't take offense as none is intended. I am by no means a professional with twenty or thirty books under my belt, just another writer who understands how hard it all is.

I have read on forum posts that I should, as a newbie, plug my own book were possible. So, please read and comment on The Storm Chronicles.


Stephen

Hi Kellen

I've read the first two chapters. So far there's not really anything that stands the book apart from a lot of other YA books about teenagers, but that's not an entirely bad thing. The premise is interesting, but there's none of the living his life in mediocrity you mention in the pitch, or his wanting to help a rotting city. Anyway, my notes:

Describing what Lance is wearing seems very out of place, just shoved in the middle of a conversation.

'no chance to take a shot' - doesn't read right. 'no change of taking a shot'? Then you repeat 'shot' in the next sentence.

You might consider rephrasing 'had it off' - non-Americans are unlikely to know what it means. I'm guessing kissing, but to me it sounds more like sex.

'even after they had gone to the Homecoming dance together months ago' - two pieces of information you've already given us moments ago. This part of the sentence is completely redundant.

Claiming ADHD is just an excuse not to work is not only immensely stupid and obnoxious, but may result in lost readers.

"Besides, it's her first day." - no fullstop after besides, and this is still Ryan talking, so why is it a new paragraph with new speech marks?

How can her arms be folded as well as having an outstretched hand?

'young, blonde teen' - teen rather suggests she's young

It is pretty well written, but there isn't a lot I can say about it after only two chapters. I like it, and if I had time, I'd read more. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Any book with 'Zero' in the title should be read. Period. Seriously, I like it so far and will read on. Watchlisted and highly rated for now! Good luck ... JKinkade

Kellen,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that for the YA audience is about right.

The use of italics to highlight the mind's eye works for, it creates an inner filter through which the emotional map of Lance shows.

The dialogue also works; is naturalistic, with sprinkles of punchy one liners thrown here and there

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would emphasize a bit more the creating of a sense of place. There is very little of "the mind that opens up the picture" in your narrative, so as to create a scene in the reader's mind, before your characters engage in dialogue.

I would also emphasize a bit more the connective tissue within scenes: through body language descriptions of your characters as a mean to create their emotional map, one that is shown rather than told.

like you do here: "Wearing a denim miniskirt....."

Finally, I would add more poetic descriptions, like you do here :"beams of light shinning through..." as a mean of giving the reader 'flights of fancy'

Hope it helps,

Overall, very entertaining

david

Kellen!

I’m currently enjoying “ProjectZero: BulletProof”. Below are some points I liked most in the first five chapters.
Chapter One is really nice – the dialogue between Lance and Ryan is superb. You are great at it.
The end of Chapter Two – here’s a real catch, with Rain making a phone call. Great!!!
In Chapter Three Ryan and Eva’s concurring thoughts make a great impact. Lance and Keri’s brawl is nicely put. Keri gives me the willies. I laughed to my heart’s content at ‘guys trying to get in Keri’s pants / under Keri’s shirt’ – Way to go!!!
I loved the phrase: “That was a sore spot for Lance, both literally and figuratively” – literally and figuratively - it hits the mark, the effect based on its being mentioned in the first chapter. Very inventive.
The ending of Chapter 4 is sublime!!! Makes me crave for more!
Chapter 5: BulletProof, is he?!

On the whole, I love the way your story develops, it’s not too fast, nor too slow. Each chapter has a catch, and the endings compel me to move on and read more. Great!!!

Kellen,

I really don't know much about how YA lit is supposed to read. What I think you effectively did was capture the essence of how young people think and how they speak to each other, which I would expect to be half the battle. I see that people have complained a bit about how slowly things start off, which I felt too whilst reading it, but then again I suspect that as far as your target audience is concerned, it makes perfect sense. I'm of the impression that what resonates with a 16 year old most likely won't with somebody in their 30's, so I think you need to take those crits with this in mind.

There are the technical things that you're clearly still working through that previous readers have already pointed out, and I think you should indeed continue to work through the entire MS with these comments in mind to tighten things up: I jumped to chapter 14, and very much enjoyed the scene but found the constant reiterations of the characters' names (instead of simple pronouns) a bit tough. Having been through this very process myself, what I can recommend is reading every chapter aloud to yourself...or even have somebody else read it aloud to you. I found this to be extremely effective in weeding out awkward, unnecessary, or poorly stated passages. And after going through that process a few times, you'll be amazed at how much better things will be.

All that said, I think you have something well worth the effort and I expect this to keep climbing the charts here. Rated. -cc

Going to give some overall impressions and pointers:
1) See if you can get more of a hook with your opening. Sitting in a cafeteria isn't much to go on.
2) Don't' overwrite. You say things like "At the sound of his name, he glanced up." right after his name has been said. IF you had him glance up, we will know he's doing it at the sound of his name.
3) A sigh is not a dialogue tag, it's an action. Try sighing the words "I would have". for this reason, it's best to stick said tags, or to make the action separate from the speech (no comma). More info on punctuating dialogue here: http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14
http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/10/marks-of-amateur-starting-list.html

you may want to also try incorporating more of the senses. Other than that, character, pacing, and storyline are off to a good start. These little things just take some rewriting. Feel free to disregard my advice if it doesn't resonate with you. I found the read enjoyable and only hope to help you improve, but in the end, these things are only my opinion and understandings,

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

(Chapter 1)

What the story does well is create a believable school setting with a couple of distinguishable characters. The relationship between Ryan and Eva is funny, and their short interaction tells a lot about the two while painting them effectively.
I wanted the story to open with more of a conflict. There wasn’t much of a problem to be solved, rather it was a few kids living out their day. The dialog is solid and real for these characters, and it was fun anticipating what they would say next.

That said, here are some possible things to consider for revision:

(Lance Maxwell sat at a table in the school cafeteria.)
Start with a problem. Sat isn’t the strongest action to open with.

(The lunch room had gotten much more crowded since he had arrived and it was getting)
Had gotten isn’t the action you want, and you don’t want to repeat with ‘getting.’

(At the sound of his name, he glanced up from his work.)
Remove the prepositional ‘at the sound of his name.’ It’s understood from the context.

(Lance spotted his friend Ryan from across the cafeteria through the herd of high school students and watched him squeeze through the crowd.)
The word ‘from’ obscures the perspective. It makes it seem as though Lance is across the cafeteria from something else, which takes slight recalibration.

(Ryan had barely broken through before he blurted out)
Passive. This is your current action, stay active here. Following Ryan’s actions with his dialog will imply that he is delivering the lines, therefore it’s redundant to say ‘before he blurted out.’ It only informs the reader that a line is soon to be delivered. The telegraph is unnecessary.

(Lance wore a black, hooded sweatshirt, blue jeans, and a pair of white Adidas classics with black stripes.)
This is an interjection to your story. You’re stopping the forward moving plot to tell the reader how your character looks. Create some relevancy and let the story progress as the character is visualized. I know easier said than done.

(as he continued to scribble down)
He doesn’t have to ‘continue’ as this is the first mention of it.

( He continued to write feverishly in his notebook)
Red action. Cut these ‘continuing’ actions.

( thing,” Lance started, “and I’m kind )
Only two characters are talking. The abundance of these tags can be reduced for flow. To have Lance start, does nothing for the dialog.

( my man,” Ryan jibed. )
Red tag.

( Lance’s face matched the same bright red that was one of the school’s colors.)
Lance’s face matched the bright red of the school’s colors.

(“Besides,” Ryan said, “that new girl)
Cut the inner-sentence dialog tag.


(had been almost seven months before.)
Good characterization.

( by the phone,” Lance replied)
Red tag. Cut these tags.

(As if in response, Eva)
Restate.

(The queen bee has to have her drones.)
This sounds like the omniscient is pausing the story to let the reader in on something.

(Both good at sports, he and Eva could not be any more different socially.)
He and his sister both excelled at sports, yet were social opposites.

( Though he didn’t think his sister demanded the spotlight)
Unnecessary perspective. Thought it didn’t seem… Remove Lance’s perspective where it is not required.

(“She hides her pain well.”)
Funny line.

(Lance put a hand to his forehead.)
Hopefully, it was his own.

(He noticed that the buzzing from the previous day had returned.)
Cut ‘he noticed that.’ The additional perspective isn’t helping the narrative.

(The humming of his brain had stopped once he had gotten away from the school, attributing his recovery to just getting some fresh air.)
This sentence is passive and incorrect. Restate the action so that the reader sees the character run out of the school, it’s a strong visual.

(At least, some fresh air that wasn’t being pumped ferociously into his lungs during his workout.)
This is unclear. Not sure what you’re going for here.

(“Headaches again, man?” Ryan asked.)
Where are they? Did Ryan leave school as well?

(Lance returned to his school work)
If they never left school, you need to restate the ‘once he had gotten away from the school.’ It sounds like a retrospective of- he got out of there.

( Lance hoped for the former, but dreaded that it was the latter.)
This is a missed opportunity.

(She really is a sweet girl, Lance thought, she’s just been so screwed up in her life, she just doesn’t know how to react sometimes.)
This is a vague characterization. If you’re going to introduce the character through the filter of Lance’s perspective, then it must be specific.

(Keri’s parents had divorced when she was very young and that led to some problems for her.)
This is also vague.

( and looked over to find that Ryan had sat down next to him staring off into space.)
Confused object. Who is staring off into space? When you have characters always finding, or noticing things, it’s probably an indication that there is heavy perspective.

(Lance knew Ryan was daydreaming about Eva, wishing that he was the only guy that she had been talking to)
Confused object.

(The crowd of students was now non-existent)
Restate for active.

Hi, came across this while browsing. I have to be honest and say the pitch is not doing it's job of making me want to check out the novel it's describing. Phrases like 'winds to a close', slowly rot', 'mediocrity' all imply a slow and boring start to the story, ie, the reader is introduced to the mc and his depressing and 'mediocre' life before the main plot kicks off. Similarly, 'fate decides to step in' and 'shake things up' are cliched phrases that don't provide anything specific about the main plot, and the main conflict or choice facing the mc, and so the sentence doesn't work as a hook line.
There are many novels, both published and unpublished, out there featuring a student with superpowers, so try to get across in the pitch what it is about your one that makes it different from the rest.
All the best,
NaomiM

Hello Kellen.

For the YA market obviously and the dialogue and humor are perfect for it. Teenspeak isn't all that easy to do, and you have accomplished it well. Fast pacing, and intriguing flashes of whats to come. The inclusion of the video on Genetic's was a clever addition, given where this appears to be going.

the characterizations could use a little work, we need to visualize Lance, Ryan and Rain a bit more clearly IMO. Clothing is good, but build and hair color, eye color...a few of these small inclusions help round out a the visuals in the eye of the reader.
All in all a good read.
backed with pleasure.
Ursula Rose
Twisted.

Kellen,
Project Zero: BulletProof has realistic dialogue and situations with great appeal to the young adult market. Backed with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

A slow start, but it flows well and seems well positioned for the YA market.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

A very entertaining read which flows well and is quite captivating. This has been on my shelf for a while as I enjoyed the premise and think you have great creativity and imagination.

Backed and rated,

Lisa

Pretty good! I only got through the 1st chapter, but will read more as time permits. I like the dialogue, it keeps the story moving well and get you interested in the characters first thing off. The imagery is well written, and overall, it seems to be an easy read.

Backed, and if you get a chance take a look at mine. Always looking for other people's opinions!
Kayla Williams
-Under the Moon

Impressive work. And I enjoyed reading it. All the best.
Backed,
S.vinay kumar,
The ark and the aroma of peril

Great dialogue. I think your writing is just spot of for the YA readers. This starts off and continues with great pacing. I really enjoyed reading.
Sue

Kellen,
I am a long, long way from high school, but you swept me back to all that high school angst. I really liked this. Best of luck. You write very well. Lots of stars.
Caroline
Summer Rose

Aww... high school drama! Can't say I miss it, but you capture it well in this first chapter. I can almost see my own days in my mind. I will definitly return and read more of this story.

YOU ARE TOTALLY FANTASTIC, KELLON!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & I had :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 11 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 5 smaller ones since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Enjoyed this and heavily starred. Very best wishes, M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Interesting book and well written. Am shelving it.
Teresa
Mary Magdalene; My Story

Just read the first chapter. I enjoyed your language and the setting of the scene. Do you think "it's not a tumor?" is okay to throw in there? I would be worried about some sort of copyright law...but otherwise it was enjoyable and a great introductory chapter. I will read more as soon as I am able.

Always interested in superhero origin stories. I'm curious to see where this one goes. Shelved!

Hey Kellen,

Interesting premise you've got here, with some likable characters, but one of the things I noticed off the bat was a sort of choppy style you've got going. I think varying the lengths of paragraphs and sentences some more might go a long way toward making this more readable. Unfortunately, this format makes it hard to really make specific suggestions but think about revising like this:

Lance Maxwell looked up at the sound of his name. He had been all alone at the cafeteria table, free to finish the homework he had neglected the night before. Now the room was growing more crowded and Ryan, his friend, was working his way through the crowd. "Did you see the new girl? She is so smokin'," he called to Lance. He was in his standard uniform: jeans, a black hoodie, and Adidas Classics.

"Literally or figuratively?" Lance asked.

---- I think by combining some paragraphs, deleting some unnecessary sentences, and really fine-tuning you would do a lot to help the flow and move things along.

Hope I've been helpful!

Kellen, I enjoyed reading the first two chapters. Your characters seem very real, and I'm sure your target audience will relate to them. A few of your transitions were a little awkward. For example, when Lance and Rain meet in the principal's office, she blushes when she notices him checking her out. I assumed she was embarrassed or shy, but you characterized her a couple of paragraphs later as angry. Nothing major, but just small speedbumps that broke the flow when I was reading. Nothing a good editor can't fix. Best of luck with your projects.

You backed my book under the old system, but if you have time, a star rating would be appreciated. Also, you might check out Pulling the Goalie by Christian Piatt. Very entertaining read.

Linda Brendle
A Long and Winding Road, RVing with Mom and Dad

My comments are based on the first two chapters. I haven't read the previous version but I thought your chapter 1 was a good start, with the boys chatting about girls. I found Lance a likeable MC. His mate, Ryan, was highly amusing, and I found the last line hilarious, as well as the beginning of chapter 2 when he's disturbing Lance. I thought the sound that Lance was hearing was intriguing, and it seems to be in relation to the new girl. I thought the ending of chapter 2 was excellent, definitely a thumbs up for making a reader want to continue.

Below are some suggestions for editing:

Chapter 1:
"She is very...attractive, yes, he reasoned, but there are a lot of attractive girls here. What's so different about her?
"I'm positive. The boy has powers."
These words turned over and over in his head. What were they talking about?
-It jumps from Lance thinking about how attractive Rain is to the next line. Did he overhear her talk to another student, or was it on her phone like at the end of chapter 2?
I have a suggestion, but ignore it if I've got it completely wrong:
"She is very...attractive, yes, he reasoned, but there are a lot of attractive girls here. What's so different about her?
"I'm positive. The boy has powers."
Her words turned over and over in his head. Who and what was she talking about?

Your line: She's really a sweet girl, Lance thought, she's just so screwed up in her life, she just doesn't know how to react sometimes.
Keri's parents had divorced when she was very young and that had led to some problems for her.
I'd suggest taking this thought and info out. It's not necessary at this stage and the story would flow better without it. Also, it's more like the author giving us info rather than a thought.

-There is a point of view break away from Lance in the following lines, giving us Ryan's thoughts.
"Really?" Ryan asked eagerly. He liked Eva, and not just from the feeling he got in his...heart, but he had been afraid to call her, even after they had gone to the Homecoming Dance together months before.
Suggestion:
"Really?" Ryan asked.
Ryan liked Eva a lot, and not just from the feeling in his...heart. Yeah, Lance didn't like thinking about his friend's fixation on his sister. But, he still felt sorry for him. He knew Ryan had been afraid to call her back after the Homecoming Dance. (You don't have to put the months in as it says something similar in a previous paragraph. If my suggestion isn't right, just twiddle around with the words).

-There are some usages of commas where there should be fullstops in the dialogue. Eg. "Hey man, we've got to get going," Lance stood up and... Use commas for speech references and fullstops when action follows.

Chapter 2.
-Ryan had been right about one thing, she was an attractive girl. Suggestion: Ryan said "hot." I'd change it to:
Ryan had been right about one thing, she was definitely hot. (It also fits with what a teenage boy would say-although it's A LOT nicer than the things I had to put up with at that age from teenage boys :-) But this is YA.)

-His hand still on the door, he flashed back to the day before. He couldn't shake the look on Rain's face when she opened the door. The one like a deer in head lights. (Put "With" in front of: his hand still on the door...)

In regards to the lines above, that Rain was at the school the day before, Ryan says previously:
"Besides. It's her first day."
Lance was about to suggest more evidence...

I know what you're getting at, that Ryan is incorrect, and it isn't her first day, but I didn't get this straight away and I went back to check it after reading Lance's thoughts above. Maybe you could change the lines to:
"Besides. It's her first day."
Lance was about to correct him...

That's it for now. My comments are only minor editing suggestions. As a whole the two chapters in regards to the structure, flow and content were very good, and would suit the YA market. All the best, Marita.
P.S. Message me if you need any of my comments clarified or if you want to ask me something else.

The only thing I would suggest is to put more of a hook in the beginning paragraph. Most readers will read that paragraph and, if it doesn't 'grab' them, move on to another book. Just my humble opinion, of course. All my best and I've put your work on my shelf. Dave

I love the way I'm thrown straight in, in the opening chapter, there's no preamble, and this works really well for me. The characters all seem very credible and while I have absolutely no idea, where it is leading, I'm enjoying the reading and happy to continue. You paint a clear picture of the friendship between Lance and Ryan, and it's written in a way that drags me straight back to high school lol. I'm watch listing this one, so that I can read on.

Thanks,

Natalie.

Hi Kellen

I read the first chapter of this a while ago and thought I'd swing round for another bite. A few nitpicks - that thing the teacher says about "gross desires for his younger sibling" - it just doesn't sound like anything any teacher would ever say. "incur the wrath", not "incur the wraith". I like the dialogue between Rain and Lance - it was kind of nice and awkward, the way conversations are between teenagers. And it's a cool hook finishes chapter 2. You're keeping the suspense going and turning up the tension a notch.

Nicole

I enjoyed the first chapter, you have captured that dreadful teenage angst so well in their conversations.

Backed

Clare
A Policeman' Lot

I thought this was an interesting read, but I feel that the dialogue needs to be revisited. At times, it sounds like teenagers dialoguing with each other and others it sounds like adults. I think if you keep the conversation a bit more casual (observe teens in action talking to each other!), it will give it some consistency and there won't be any confusion as to who said what etc. Put yourself in the scene as a teen. Would you have responded the same way? A good exercise.

JR Stone

I think this will appeal well to your target audience. You have pitched it about right. The dialogue is good in places but not wholly consistently. Backed
Lara
Good for Him

I pulled your book onto my W/l because from the cover I thought it was a thriller. I am not really into all of the fantasy Sci-Fi stuff but I thought I would give it a go. I did get confused as to who's thoughts were whose but other than that it was an interesting enough read and I am glad I decided to open my mind and give it a try. You have got some original ideas ( well they are to me) and I think this will do well in your genre.
Amelia Gail
A Date in The Diary

Great title, good writing. I'd agree with Marsi's comments below. All the best for this one, backed.

Hi Kellen - a good read here. I have a weakness for super hero books. For the young it's a comfort zone, I think. I enjoyed the failed rape scene - good old Lance. I actually had a look at Smashwords - I think one crit there was that the character hadn't changed at the end - I don't think this is valid. Superman stays exxentially the same tho he may chabge is externals. All the best with the books. I've backed this with pleasure.

Really intriguing Synopsis, I'd be happy to exchange reads/backing if you are game?

This will appeal to its target audience..the relationship between Lance and Ryan, the girl troubles..and the mystery girl.. all intriguing to young adults!

The support I have had during my illness has meant so much to me and has kept my book afloat whilst I was unable to attend to reviewing and backing. I would very much appreciate you taking a look at it to see if it is worthy of your backing, thank you. I am now feeling a lot better and will be visiting the site and playing my part once more, though for a while I cannot fully participate by writing out my comments for each one, so, I am backing without comment, other than this note, which I have cut and pasted to all. However, if you require a comment, let me know and I will try to oblige as soon as I can. Otherwise, you can take it that, by backing your book, I enjoyed your work. Love, Mary – Oh, by the way. I am making it my mission to help prevent breast cancer in the older lady by asking everyone to ensure you remind every woman in your family over the age of fifty to not miss her mammogram appointments. I had no outward sign of the malignant cancer inside my breast. My mammogram showed it up before it had time to migrate to my lymph nodes and so, saved my life. A little reminder could save the lives of the women you love. Thank you.

Sorry, I've only had time to read the first Chapter but so far I'm intrigued. You have a strong relationship with Lance and Ryan that many can associate with. Lance sounds like the typical boy, who leaves his homework to the last minute trying to cram it all in before the class starts and along with his easy going personality makes me as a reader like him immediately.

You also leave enough questions to make me want to read on to find out more. A great beginning and I look forward to finding out what happens next :-)

Kindest Regards
Alan Dartnall
~The Demon's Vengeance~

Project Zero: BulletProof is not your typical superhero tale. Author Kellen Lynch has given us the character of Lance, and gotten us to like him almost immediately. Almost everyone in high school has wished they had superpowers, but Lance isn’t really looking for something like that. One of the strongest aspects of the book is the dialog, which is perfect for high school students, complete with just the right amount of slang. One of the hardest things to do with a book like this is to weave in backstory and make it interesting, but Lynch does this well, with the right mix of story and action.

This story is interesting. The interaction between Lance and Ryan is realistic. I admit that the first chapter didn't really catch me, BUT, the end of the second chapter did. I think you should put in another paragraph space to signal the switch to Rain's POV, but otherwise, it feels like high school.
-Wendy
January Black

You have created a very sympathetic and likeable main character in Lance ... got me on his side right from the start. I think your premise is strong and although I didn't have time to read more than 2 or 3 chapters at random, this could be quite successful. The only thing I'd say is that it still needs a bit of editing... there are a few unnecessary explanations. Nothing that reading it through on paper with a pen and a callous heart won't cure! For example, half way down chapt 16, went something like ... ' there was a moment of silence. Lance couldn't help himself. "What are you wearing?" he broke the silence....'
We already know he has broken the silence, so you could take out the second instance. That's the kind of thing I mean.
But overall, I liked this.

J A Humm
(The Retreat)

Just finished the first chapter. I like the your main character he sounds interesting. Usually with superpowers (and I'm going on my limited comic-book related experience) the main guy is something of a sob story but here you've created a character who is strong but without being arrogant.

You're style is fairly even mixing back story, present action and dialogue making it an easy read to get into.

I look forward to reading more and have backed your book as it sounds like just my type of read!

First off, props to the Arnie reference, if that was what it consciously was.
"It's not a tumor!" is one of those lines I can't hear without an Austrian accent now, however, so it might just be me.
The banter between Lance and Ryan is very amusing and seems pretty darn realistic. I especially like the ending of the chapter with Ryan's
"Well," Ryan started, as the two walked to class, "there is a bit of family resemblance..."
I think this is a great story that will definitely appeal to it's target audience :) Backed

You're a good writer and this begins well. Just enough of mystery to hook the reader, and good word pictures of the characters and surroundings. Backed.

You've written about what's real. I also noticed you have another book. I'll take a quick peek at that one too. Good luck!

This is masterly, the writing concise and clear. The reader's attention is grabbed immediately and held.
The dialogue is superb driving the plot forward. Impressed with how easily you introduced lthe characters with a little bit of history such as Lance and Keri, Ryan and Eva. The flashbacks drip fed into the dialouge - i.e. Lance's headaches again an excellent touch.

Backed with pleasure.

Katy.x
Phobic Dawn.

Kellen.
Strong start. Enjoyed ch.2 esp [we all have been through class scenes like that!] .
Over the first 5 chapters, you started to develop for the reader very good descriptive characterisations of Lance and Ryan, and there interactions. At the same time opening up the story line. I enjoyed your style of writing [fast and too the point]. Did not look at syntax etc as I always miss these sort of things anyway!
BACKED for the enjoyable start.
Appreciate any feedback on my childrens' book ''Adventures of the Paperbats''.
Jerry [paperbat]

Kellen.
Strong start. Enjoyed ch.2 esp [we all have been through class scenes like that!] .
Over the first 5 chapters, you started to develop for the reader very good descriptive characterisations of Lance and Ryan, and there interactions. At the same time opening up the story line. I enjoyed your style of writing [fast and too the point]. Did not look at syntax etc as I always miss these sort of things anyway!
BACKED for the enjoyable start.
Appreciate any feedback on my childrens' book ''Adventures of the Paperbats''.
Jerry [paperbat]

Only had time to read one chapter but liked your style of writing. Easy to read with great dialogue. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.