Bounty

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Harper,
While Bounty is a work in the fantasy genre, your narrative style creates a believable account. A very mysterious beginning lures the reader into this captivating story filled with suspense. The dialogue is easily imagined being spoken and your descriptions are richly detailed and create a fine work of fiction.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

The opening paragraphs are gripping. I had opened this up to debate whether or not I wanted to start reading another book this morning, and sure enough, your first few sentences made me want to read on. This is exactly what you want to do as many people will put a book down if the first page isn't interesting.

After the brief first person, we switch to third person where you once again grab your readers' attention. Godren is a fascinating character. I'm instantly curious about him writing in his own blood, and the entrance of the masked figure who grabs the fluttering paper adds a nice touch. Nice visual. By the end of the first chapter, you give us just what we need to know about him to become attached. I like that everyone is after him, and he just wants to be left alone. He's easy to sympathize with.

I like the line, "Godren awaited the transfer of custody, immune to the procedure by now." It opens the door to a lot of possibilities and gets your reader asking questions.

I'm impressed with how well edited this is. It was nice not having to jot down a bunch of notes. Not only that, but this is well-written. You're definitely a talented writer.

Suggestions: There are a few instances of telling that would be stronger if you showed us instead. For example, "Godrin's view of the advancing figure was jostled..." There were also quite a few adverbs that I didn't feel strengthened your writing. For example, triumphantly, dully, utterly, very. Your writing is strong enough without most of them. If you cut some of these, it will smooth out your narrative and quicken the pace a bit. Other than that, nothing stood out to me. Good work!

This is an outstanding start. Great writing, fascinating story, and gripping opening pages. Highly rated!

Harper –

Bounty – … The raven feather run dry of Godren’s blood just as he finished the brief entry, and he slid the quill back up his sleeve as he let the scrap of parchment be snatched out of his fingers by the wind …
An intriguing system of Bounty Hunters who protect those who escape the law, like Godren whose reputation as bounty is well established, although he’s innocent. Once again, his captors have changed faces, only this time he is summoned to Mastadon, the dark queen/sorceress living beneath the city who commissions him to hunt the hunters … And by the end of the first chapter I’m totally captured by the mysterious and haunting ambience of this story.
… The man did not move … a fluttering at his hand, where the wind channelled down the alley and pushed through his dead, open fingers, snatching the scrap of parchment … Godren watched it continue tumbling down the alley, as he had meant it to from the beginning …
I read quite a few chapters. Most remarkably, the sparseness of physical character description heightens the atmosphere. Some polishing still to be done, but the voice is unique, surprising with brilliant poetry, humour and wonderful characters. I loved ... Stupid petal brain  or … the cat dashed off like a streak of black lightening.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. It's a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I'll back this. I like the action, the premise, and the dialogue. No complaints.
Best of luck with this.

Shelved.
Dan
Demons and Other Inconveniences

Bounty:

Harper,

The bargaining for one captor against another proved a compelling opening to Bounty and the crimimal fraternity portrayed in such a way that I felt a participant within the unfolding storyline and so shared the sense of jeopardy.
The gathering cats gave me a distinct shiver and indeed reminded of some local Siamese which, when they get territorial, make the most God forsaken whining noises that get right under the skin.
You create a frisson of foreboding of engulfing tension. Yes, a thriller all right and one surely to engage young adults with an appetite for good fantasy.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This story is loaded with action. Terrific.

Would be happy to give this my backing if you'll have a look at mine.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

What a grim world you have created. Just one thing, it is strangely silent, there is no descriptive sound in the narrative to create even more atmosphere (don’t know if this is deliberate). Your storyline is very gripping, just needed Ossen to be wiped out and who knows what would have happened. This is one gritty story - good luck.

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Well-written. Backed with pleasure!
A look at Bamboo Promise would be greatly appreciated. thanks

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Great long pitch but the short pitch is too succinct I think. It doesn't tell us what the story is about at all, and I'm afraid it wouldn't grab the attention of an agent for instance. Work on that and you're well on your way! Putting on my WL to bump to backing. Kudos and best of luck!
-Jenn
Reunion

This puts me in mind of Leon Garfield for some reason.... I like it a lot, very atmospheric, deliciously dark. Just a little bit of overwriting from time to time which slows down the read a little and might snaggle your young readers but on the whole, fabuloso.
Backed.

I can't wait to get to the end of this to see how it all turns out! Totally addicting, and the plot is just fabulous. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Normally not my genre because it sounds like a masculine read BUT my fifteen year old son and his friends just read it and they say YOU RULE! They loved it - what I can say is your writing is sharp and polished and this is extremely well written! You have a gift for descriptive prose! The boys are still reading since the entire thing is here and I'm loving their interest in reading on a Friday night! Thanks.
BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Greetings, Harper!

I had the opportunity to peruse Bounty, and I enjoyed the read! If I understood correctly, Godren is a scribe who dips his plumed feather into his blood, scrawls his entry on loose parchment, then allows it to sail where the wind may take it. A marvelously compelling thought! Wonder what would happen if you or I did that in our world? Interesting!

I should think that fans of Tolkien, Rowling, C.S. Lewis, and Ted Dekker's CIRCLE/LOST series of books would especially enjoy Bounty. Kudos on a novel well scripted! Glad I backed this!

Shalom!

Teric Darken

(K - I - L - L FM 100 / U-Turn Killur / Doopie Piper & Sissy Pants)

Good start! I liked all the trading one captor for another at the beginning. And I think one thing that really works for you are the names. Mastodon in particular seems like the perfect name for the leader of the criminal underground. And the setting is good too, with all the cats eyes glinting in the dark. Very creepy. I used to live in a place that had a lot of feral cat colonies and every time you'd go out at night, there they would be, just lounging around watching you. This reminded me of that.

There were a few things I had problems with though. You had so much good lead-up to the meeting with Mastodon that it might have felt a little anti-climactic when it finally happened. Also, Godren seems awfully resilient to be able to go from shackles to sauntering in to talk to Mastodon. I had the impression he'd been held by various bounty hunters for days, but I'm not sure where I got it from and I could just be wrong.

And there was one sentence that bothered me. "Godren's view of the advancing figure was jostled and misconstrued from the back of the wagon..." I don't think you can use misconstrue that way. It means to misinterpret, and he's not misinterpreting. He just can't see. He'd also have to be the one doing the misconstruing, whereas it's the wagon doing the jostling. So the sentence doesn't work grammatically either.

Otherwise I really liked it though.

Wonderfully dark, Harper. Your writing allows the story to flow in a filmic way and I could easily add
heavy black clouds and electric blue lights to the atmosphere provided. I also have to commend you for cutting to the chase, going straight to the story. That's the way to do it. Best wishes, Scott.

Yes, it's dark, but that's what makes BOUNTY so delicious. It's both gripping and well-written. Congratulations. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

This is a well written and compelling story, what I had time to read. I wish you all the best with it. BACKED
By the way, I was drawn to your book by the pitch, good job!

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
The Autobiography
Scorned

You are the type of reader that I just enjoy reading when it's done well. It's as much a poem as a story. Yet there is not the sense that you are overreaching yourself as often happens. You obviously have a vivid imagination and the ability to put that onto the page. Nicely Done.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Brilliant and intriguing read. Once you've read the fird page your feel compelled to keep reading. Charcters and dilouge created a voice that is unique and hold the ones attention. C W Shelved.

Can see that YA would appreciate it, but the prose and characters are so mature (in the best way) that it should appeal to a wide market. Beautifully written, atmospheric. Backed. lynn

I really like this, both your writing and the story. My only tiny nit pick is with your first paragraph. As some other author once told me, that paragraph is valued real estate and it should be the best it can be. That said, the word "change" is used four times right away and in quick succesion. Try using a different word, maybe "altered" or "morphed." I don't know, but its not good to use the same word so many times. :)

Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Wow, i found something...I'm surprised. "He followed the crumbling... "
Could be mistaken for a time line. Suggested change.... "His destination already determined; he followed the progressive decay and increasingly deteriorating condition and foul smell of the city's bowery leading him to The Ruins.

"...gone from inbetween." awkward.....suggest..."lay in heaps of debris in the cellar where he stood."
The paragraph after "Commission?" ....goes on too long and ends weakly and unconvincingly.

lathered on (it).
Correct.....Your a Most Wanted; in danger everyday of being...
This is an intersting game of chess and the POV stays with him but it does assume there is honor amongst thieves. He reveals himself and the end of chapter two as a victim. This may have been revealed effectively when presented with the oportunity to escape in chapter one. he did not wish to be a victim again and had learned that to deal with criminals, one had to be a more ruthless one.

I have to put it down for a bit but hope to be back. it is nice easy reading.

Well there are no flaws in the writing but I am no expert. I want to read the rest of this but i see you faced the same challenges i did but with better success. The question is striking a balance of action, interst and foreshadowing.
It is purely subjective. I would prefer finding out more about mastadon later. Especally the fact she was a woman. I think you could have kept the character gender nutral and given the reader a surprise when it turns out the most feared person in the city is a woman. Just me.

As i am learning. The more you with hold the smarter an audience you are writing to. This currently feels like a teen book. Is that your audience? I do not know the age range of YA. But i see this with Dumas - The Three Musketeers range. Just a little darker -- everybody is bad. Like a Martin Scorsese film.

I am going to ask a favour. Can you pick a unique font and make it your own. I really don't like reading Times Roman. Again, subjective. To bad your in Britain. I think I'd enjoy hanging out with you. if we have another virtual party i will get you aon the guest list.

Such a dark and dreary world Godren lives in. I love it! I looked for something to suggest for you to edit, but I found nothing. This is very well-written and grabbing. Let me know when you get this published. I would love this book for my shelves here at school. I can imagine it jumping off the shelf quickly.

JLux
Finding Letta

A good original plot with interesting characters. Nice and dark, with supernatural elements - my kind of book.
I think this will appeal to adults and YA alike.

You might need to curb your adjectives a little - things like 'eyes narrowed dryly' - maybe just lose the 'dryly.' Other than that, your writing is strong with a good pace. Your dialogue is great, too.

Happy to put you up on my shelf and wish you luck!

Berni
Fledgling and Renegades

Wonderful! I amso happy to see this sort o fbook in young adult. Mature but current. Writing is superb and polished. Great read. I think you would love The Cheech Room - right up your alley, similar to your on the edge style. BACKED!

Nice concept! A little dark, definitely compelling. I got a little tangled in the middle of the pitch – couldn’t quite follow and had to start over. Nothing some small thoughtful edits couldn’t clear up, though.

You start the first chapter strong, right in the middle of things. I like the story, and you’ve got a strong voice along with some very polished writing. I admit, I like adjectives and adverbs (you might be told by others here to get rid of all of them) and contend that there’s more room for them in YA. But even I did a double-take at “staggered eyes” and “threatening stride” so perhaps give a critical eye to which are needed and which are not. Sometimes one simple word gets the job done more effectively than an elaborate phrase.

I jumped along through a few chapters and found the story continues to develop nicely. One other thing that caught my notice was in ch10 when Godren falls in love with the princess. Before, I was thinking of this more in terms of a thriller/fantasy cross, one that teen boys could enjoy as much as girls, particularly since the protagonist is a boy. The love-at-first-sight nature of this, though, might lose the boys. A little too “mushy” for most of them, I expect. If you intend your audience to be primarily female, then no problem, but it’s something to think about.

Regardless of these little nuances, I think you have a good, strong piece of work here, so I’m happy to put it on my shelf. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

Throw both pitches into the forums and have people help you out with it. I am SHELVING in advance. I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Strong first chapter. Excellent hook at the end of the chapter.
Good pitch.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

Thank you very much for the read and the critique! I don't know about research, but I read a lot of YA myself and most of it is longer than my work... I've also been told many times to stop worrying about the length and just let the story take its own course. But, notably, there is a market out there that will likely make demands, and it could prove to be a problem. In any case, I appreciate the feedback and will take what you've noted into consideration! Cheers!

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

I can see why I Remember Every Word appealed to you. I think I would thoroughly enjoy your company. We appear to have like minds but I was a dancer not a gymnast.
I am going to send you a friend request if that's alraight. Not something i do often.

If you want a laugh, look at Uthonomy, my less serious book.

I think i will greatly enjoy yours. Funny how your MC is a man and mine a woman.

I hope you can give me some comments on I remember. I am certain they would be insightful.

This is very well done. Your writing is really good and the story is fantastic. The pitch throws the reader right into the story and the story definitely does its job in keeping the readers attention. Backed for sure.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

After reading your full pitch and looking at your chapters, I'm happy to back you.

You might want to EDIT your full pitch and break it up into 3 or 4 paragraphs with a single line of white space between each paragraph. Doing so will allow readers to follow your key plot plot points more easily.

Rodney B.